When Both of You Work: Insight for Dual-Worker Couples

They can be two of the most fulfilling aspects of life: work and family. And many women--especially in the last three decades--have chosen to pursue both.

Dual-worker couples are becoming the prominent lifestyle.1 Women are assuming significant roles in the workplace and, in many cases, are entering domains previously dominated by men. This has created a new set of challenges that husbands and wives must face together.

Experts use the term dual-worker to describe relationships in which both husband and wife are engaged in paid work which they view as important and to which they feel a strong sense of commitment. It is not restricted to individuals in professional positions, but includes couples who consider their work to be important to their sense of well-being regardless of their occupational status.

The Facts: What We Already Know

The movement of women back into the labour market has been called the most significant social phenomenon of the 20th century.2 Up until the 1960's, most women did not expect their careers to play a primary role in their lives.3 Employment was generally viewed as a secondary life role. After that time, however, women began to explore the possibility of combining family and career roles. History shows that the ‘70's marked a significant turning point in terms of the number of women interested in pursuing careers in the marketplace.

Women currently represent half the work force and 39 percent of the professional labour force.4 From 1975 to 1990, the number of self-employed women in Canada grew by 172 percent.5 The United States Public Census Bureau found that the number of women in executive, administrative and managerial occupations increased by 95 percent from 1980 to 1990.6 More women today are pursuing master's level training than men and it is predicted that by the year 2001, more women than men will be pursuing doctoral degrees.7 It would appear that women are looking for opportunities to express themselves in the workplace and want to use their education and experience to explore roles beyond the traditional scope of wife and mother.

How many dual-worker couples are there? Researchers tell us that they represent the largest segment of workers at all major corporations. Estimates show that these couples represent 60 to 70 percent of current employees and it is expected that this percentage will rise to 80 percent within the next decade.8

The dual-worker couple is here to stay. But there's a great deal we have to learn about what it means for couples who choose this lifestyle.

The Issues: What We Need To Understand

In a recent book entitled He Works She Works: Successful Strategies for Working Couples,9 Jaine and James Carter report the results of a survey which asked dual-worker couples to identify the advantages and disadvantages of their chosen lifestyle:

Advantages

Sharing a goal.
Couples having more in common.
Both professionally challenged.
Men having more choices.
Both men and women enjoying higher self-esteem.
Opportunity for women to be all they can be.
Children involved with real role models.
Children more self-reliant.
Greater opportunities (from a financial standpoint) for children.
Potential for more disposable income.
Opportunity to upgrade lifestyle.
Potential for retirement funds, children's education, and security.
More opportunity for cultural enrichment (through travel or other work experiences).
Greater depth and breadth of life experience.

Disadvantages

Risk of getting caught up in financial wants versus needs.
Too much to do.
Always rushed.
Constant child care worries.
Always feeling guilty.
Dealing with fatigue.
Coping with stress.
Running out of "cope" and being short with loved ones.
Never having time to sit down and read a book or relax or be alone.
Risk of getting caught up in careers at expense of partnership.
No time for just us.
Partnership losing spontaneity.
Less sex.
Society doesn't understand.
Working mothers still treated as if they are the "bad guys."
Children feeling they are an inconvenience.
Children obliged to do more to help the family.
Women feeling resentful because of unequal distribution of personal responsibilities.
More financial stress.
Fear of everything: losing job, not being available for children, divorce, bankruptcy.
The majority of concerns expressed by couples fall into one of three broad areas: work issues, family issues and personal issues.

Work-Related Challenges

It is rarely the case that careers develop in tandem. More often than not, one partner's career is taking off while the other's is in a temporary holding pattern. Just as quickly, market conditions can reverse the pattern. These imbalances can create tension since one partner is being required to put in extra time and energy to take advantage of significant career opportunities while the other is left to pick up the slack at home. Questions regarding whose needs are more important are raised and if not properly addressed, the perceived inequities can quickly turn into feelings of resentment. Couples who do not actively plan how they will work through the stresses of unparallel career paths are likely to experience significant relationship problems.

Family-Related Challenges

The division of household duties is major issue for most dual-worker couples. In approximately 80 percent of couples, women perform 70 to 80 percent of household chores.10 However, attempts to protect a traditional division of duties eventually creates an overload situation for women. At the same time, men who have been raised in traditional homes may struggle with a more equal distribution of household duties which could be seen as evidence of a lack of leadership in the home.

Given the time and energy devoted to working outside the home, a serious question facing dual-worker couples is whether or not to have children. It is enough of a challenge to spend quality time with each other. If a couple does decide to raise a family, timing may be critical. Starting a family at an early stage in one's career can have a negative impact and if the couple waits for too long, age can be an problem. Dual-worker couples who do not discuss their expectations of each other with regard to family and parenting issues run the risk of putting their relationship in jeopardy.

Personal Challenges

The personal and career challenges facing men and women are distinctly different. Women do not make decisions about work without considering the implications for their families. By contrast, men view work and family roles as independent. What this means is that women feel that choosing in favour of one role means choosing against the other while men do not experience a similar dilemma.11

Working women often struggle with feelings of guilt at having made the choice to work outside the home. They may receive little or no support from their families or from a society which labels them selfish. At the same time, the pressures to demonstrate their competence in a competitive workplace can challenge their sense of femininity. As the demands and expectations of' work, home and family pile up, working women may feel they are losing control of their lives.

At the same time, men are adjusting to the fact that they are no longer the sole provider in the family. Their financial contributions to the family as well as their career accomplishments may be equalled or possibly surpassed by their wives. In a society that still defines masculinity in terms of achievement outside the home, husbands may feel a sense of loss in their new role.

Time for leisure and social activities is rare for dual-worker couples. When they are not managing the demands of their working lives, they are struggling to create quality time for children or each other. This leaves little time for relationships outside the immediate family. Setting time aside for friendships and simple recreation may seem impossible. When couples are finally able to arrange time out for themselves or with friends, the occasion is often overshadowed by feelings of guilt.

Benefits

Despite all of these challenges, dual-worker couples enjoy their chosen lifestyle. Couples report not only experiencing financial benefits, but personal benefits. They enjoy the collegiality of having a partner with whom they can share the challenges and frustrations of work. And, unlike what many once believed to be the case, both husbands and wives in dual-worker homes report experiencing higher levels of self-esteem because of their chosen lifestyle. Work outside the home appears to provide both men and women with a sense of accomplishment and competence.

Possible Solutions: What We Know So Far

The dual-worker lifestyle is complicated but not impossible. What we have learned however, is that couples who presume that it involves little more than a redistribution of household chores will be in for a big surprise. It is interesting to note that the majority of college students expect to adopt this lifestyle but typically underestimate the stresses they will face.12 Couples who are seriously considering this kind of relationship need to spend time educating themselves on the critical skills and processes required for dual-worker living.

Clarify Roles and Expectations

Communication is the foundation of any relationship. In the fast-paced lifestyle of dual-worker couples, stresses will develop quickly if partners do not clarify roles and expectations at the outset.

A good starting point for couples who want to enhance their relationships is to spend time sharing their career aspirations with each other. Both partners express what work means to them and what they hope to achieve. This kind of communication highlights potential conflicting goals and can open the door to a continuing process of compromise and negotiation that marks effective dual-worker relationships.

As mentioned earlier, the dual-worker lifestyle is a complex system of work, family and personal roles. It is important that couples explore how these roles are intertwined and the personal meanings attached to each of them. Equally important is understanding each partner's expectation of how the other should function in these roles. Often times, gender-based stereotypes are revealed that couples must work through. A common technique to facilitate this exploration is to have both partners draw a circle, dividing it into sections that represent how much time they would like to devote to each role they play. As partners begin to share what different life roles mean to them, the communication pathway is strengthened.

Set Priorities

The outcome of clarifying roles and expectations is finding common ground with respect to what is most important. Dual-worker couples who have learned to manage the challenges of their lifestyle successfully have learned how to prioritize what means the most to each partner and to the relationship. What brings the greatest joy to the relationship is held sacred and what is considered a luxury rather than a necessity is let go. These couples understand that core values are critical common ground, and that irrelevancies can take up too much time and energy in a relationship where quality must take precedence over quantity.

Develop Process Skills

The challenge of maintaining a strong relationship lies in understanding that life is lived on a day to day basis. It is the daily-ness of life that presents the greatest obstacles. We may confront extraordinary crises in our lives such as bankruptcy or the death of a loved one, but it is our ability to meet life in the ordinary moments that sustains us.

Many couples put more energy and thought into their wedding day than into any other part of their relationship. And yet, the test of their relationship will come in their ability to work through the realities of who takes out the garbage, who makes the lunches, who picks up the kids after soccer practice, and who gets the car. These decisions and divisions are all a matter of process. Couples who value good process tend to experience good outcomes when confronted with the challenges of daily living.

What are process skills and what does good process mean? Process skills include the ability to plan realistically, the ability to manage time efficiently, the ability to communicate honestly, the ability to resolve conflicts positively, the ability to manage stress effectively, and the ability to negotiate equitably. Process skills are basic life skills which most of us learned by observing our parents practice them, for better or worse. Couples who value good process choose to exercise process skills during the ordinary moments of their relationship rather than being forced to exercise crisis intervention skills later.

Be Creative

Solutions to the challenges of dual-worker living are as unique as the individuals who choose this lifestyle. There is no master blueprint to overcoming the obstacles that face these couples. What works for one couple may not necessarily work for another, although other people's experiences may offer some insightful suggestions. Those couples who have managed this lifestyle successfully recognize the importance of keeping an open mind when it comes to generating needed solutions.

Flexibility is the hallmark of a creative couple. The willingness to look at situations from different perspectives and to experiment with new ways of doing things is an essential quality among partners who want to balance work and family roles equitably. They are not afraid of change and adopt an attitude of continuous learning.

Create A Personal Care Plan

Managing the complex challenges of a demanding lifestyle also requires that both partners have a clear understanding of how to address their personal needs. Neglecting these basic physical, spiritual and emotional areas can leave individuals more vulnerable to the stresses of 21st century living. Designing and managing a personal care plan reflects the understanding that building a healthy relationship requires two healthy people.

Exercise Forgiveness Freely

Dual-worker couples recognize that mistakes happen. They also understand that forgiveness needs to be exercised frequently if their relationship is to survive. It is not enough to tolerate differences; couples who are able to manage this lifestyle learn to forgive and forget.

Concluding Comments

Dual-worker couples will be the preferred lifestyle of the next century. What we are likely to see is husbands and wives whose careers are developing at different rates than those of traditional couples. Women will take time out to have families and men will adjust their career priorities to make time for sharing the parenting responsibilities. The workplace will continue, however, to challenge traditional stereotypes of masculinity and femininity and couples will have to work hard to redefine their roles both in the home and in the workplace.

Security and identity will be recurring themes among these couples as the pressures to meet societal expectations and address economic realities wilt continue. Dual-worker living will challenge husbands and wives to constantly review their priorities and protect themselves from becoming slaves to a lifestyle.

In many ways, the dual-worker couple is walking through uncharted territory. Those who are successful in these relationships will have committed themselves to developing critical process skills. They will also have come to understand the importance of thinking creatively, implementing personal care plans, and exercising forgiveness continuously.

~ Lory Block spent 11 years studying clinical psychology at the University of British Columbia. Genuinely fascinated by people, she began to reflect on where they spend a great deal of time -- at work. Her curiosity eventually led to a change in her own career plans. In 1996, Lory founded Careers by Design, a company specializing in career development and planning services.

Notes

1. Masnick, G., & Bane, M.J. (1980). The nation‘s families: 1960-1980. Cambridge, MA: Joint Center for Urban Studies of MIT and Harvard University.

2. Weitzman, L.M., & Fitzgerald, L.F. (1993). Employed mothers: Labor force profiles and diverse lifestyles. In J. Frankel (Ed.), Employed mothers and the family context. New York: Springer.

3. Regan, M.C. & Roland, H.E.(1982). University Students: A change in expectations and aspirations over the decade. Sociology of Education, 55, 223-228.

4. Gilbert, L., Dancer, L.S., Rossman, K.M., & Thorn, B.L. (1991). Assessing perceptions of occupational-family integration. Sex Roles, 24, 107-119.

5. Federal Business Development Bank.

6. Career Opportunities News, September, 1993, p.ll.

7. Padula, M. (1994). Reentry women: A literature review with recommendations for counseling and research. Journal of Counseling & Development,73, p.10-16.

8. Johnson, A.A. (1990). Relocating two-earner couples: What companies are doing. The Conference Board, Research Bulletin Number 247.

9. Carter, J. & Carter, J.D. (1995). He Works She Works: Successful Strategies for Working Couples. New York: American Management Association.

10. Hoschschild, A. with Machung, A. (1989). The second shift: Working parents and the revolution at home. New York: Viking.

11. Spiker-Miller, S. & Kees, N. (1995). Making career development a reality for dual-career couples, Journal of Employment Counseling, March, 32, 32-45.

12. Gunnings, S.R. (1989). An examination of dual-career marriage, family, and career stress expectations of undergraduate students at Michigan State University. (Doctoral Dissertation, Michigan State University, 1989). Dissertation Abstracts International, 51, 1508A.

Top Ten Ways to Support Someone in Being Their Best

One of the greatest responsibilities we have is to support ourselves and others in living at our highest and best. Whether we're parents, partners, friends or leaders, it's incumbent upon us to help others to live as close to their unique potential as we can.

With everything we say and do, we're influencing -- positively or negatively -- the people we care about. The ideal is to do this with consideration and intention. Here are ten ways you can help others see and realize the best that's within them:

Believe in Them
We all have self-doubts from time to time. Our confidence is shaken. We lack the faith in our talents and skills to go for an important promotion or launch a new initiative. Having someone believe in you at these times is priceless. The stories of great men and women are saturated with examples of someone who believed in them even when they didn't fully believe in themselves.

Encourage Them
"You can do it." "I know you can." These are words that are all-too-infrequently voiced. Sincere encouragement can go a long way in helping someone stay the course. The more specific you are, the better the results. "I remember when you got through your slump last year and ended up winning the sales contest. I'm willing to bet that you'll do even better this time."

Expect a Lot
We're often told not to get our hopes up. We're encouraged to have REALISTIC expectations. But when it comes to helping others operate at their best, we sometimes have to up-level our expectations. This can be taken to extremes, but there are many times when a teacher, a parent or even a boss has required more of us than we thought we were capable. And we've risen to the challenge which enabled us to see further than before.

Tell the Truth
And tell it with compassion. We often avoid telling the hard truth because we don't want to upset anyone. We want to be NICE. But telling the truth is a loving act. You may be the only person who can or will say to another what needs to be said. And you can confront someone without being combative.

Be a Role Model
One of the best ways we influence is by our own actions. Who we are speaks much more loudly than what we say. Don't think that people aren't watching you. They are. And they're registering everything about you consciously and unconsciously. We automatically emulate our role models. And we're ALL role models to someone so let's be good ones.

Share Yourself
Too often, we miss the value of sharing our failings. We don't want to be vulnerable so we hold back. In doing so, we deprive others of our experience, our learning and our humanity. When you share from your own experience -- especially your failures -- you increase empathy, you're more approachable and you increase your relatability to others.

Challenge Them
The word "challenge" has some negative connotations. The meaning we're using here is, "a test of one's abilities or resources in a demanding but stimulating undertaking." We all need to be challenged from time to time. Doing it for another is an art form. Go too far and it will backfire. Go too easy and you will appear patronizing. Remind people of their commitment to being their best and state your challenge. "I challenge you to overcome these unimportant opinions and get on with the real task at hand, get the job done, make the commitment, etc."

Ask Good Questions
A good therapist or coach doesn't tell their clients what to do. They ask good questions in order for the client to understand themselves better, to get clear on what the issue is and from there to make good choices. You can do the same. By asking elegant questions, you cause people to think and come up with solutions. They'll appreciate it. Gary Lockwood has a good article about this called Asking Intelligent Questions with Impact.

Acknowledge Them
You find what you're looking for. If you're looking for the best in someone, you'll see it. If you're looking for their failings, you'll see those. Catch people doing things right and tell them. When we acknowledge the good deeds of others, they tend to do more of them. Write a note. Send a card. Give them a call. Praise them in front of others.

Spend Time with Them
We love what we give our time to. By devoting your most precious resource (time) to another individual, you're showing them that you truly value them and your relationship with them. Invest time in your relationships; it's what life is made of.

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- Michael Angier is the founder and president of Success Networks International, publishers of SUCCESS STRATEGIES, INSIGHT and SUCCESS DIGEST. Success Net is an association committed to helping people to be more knowledgeable, productive and effective. Their mission is to inform, inspire and empower people to be their best -- personally and professionally. Free subscriptions, memberships, books and SuccessMark™™ Cards are available here or you can write to Win-Win Way, PO Box 2048 South Burlington, Vermont 05407-2048 USA 802.862.0812 voice 425.933.7300 fax
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Tell Him Why You Love Him

How can you spur your mate toward love and good deeds? By accentuating The positive and minimizing the negative! Then you can do a better job of affirming each other.

Before marriage, it's easy to look for the positive. But once we say "I do" the stars in our eyes begin to fade and we see each other's idiosyncrasies. The reality of living together does create tension and before we know what is happening, we can easily focus on the negative instead of the positive.

When you criticize you tear down and when you encourage you build up. So it's time to do an "about face." Stop being a critic and become your mate's number one fan. What do you appreciate about your mate? Here are some questions to get you talking:

1. How has your spouse affirmed you in the past? (Dave like Claudia's hugs, kisses, and she likes his practical help like volunteering to be the kitchen elf.)
2. How would you like to be affirmed in the future? (Claudia likes it when Dave calls when he is going to be delayed, brings her corn candy, or takes the garbage out the night before trash pick-up without being reminded.)
3. In what areas is your mate most competent? Affirm your mate's positive attributes like his happy disposition which enables him to laugh and handle pressure, or her verbal skills that help her be so expressive and articulate.
4. Is there an area that you would like to explore together? Perhaps learning a new sport or craft or taking gourmet cooking lessons, or a community course.

As you begin a concerted effort to spur each other on, here are some Tips to help you accentuate the positive:

* Actively look for the positive. It takes five positive statements to offset one negative statement, so for the next twenty-four hours track your positives to negatives and see how you're doing. Concentrate on each other's strengths. We already know our weak areas so look for strengths!
* Give honest compliments. Describe what you appreciate about your mate. We would all like to get more compliments.
* Develop a sense of humor. Humor is a first cousin of affirmation. So relax, look for the lighter side of life and affirm each other through laughing together.

You may find that as your spur your partner toward love and good deeds, You will also be the benefactor! For sure, things will become much more positive around your house!

Related Articles:

Love's Golden Rules

What Men Want

Making time for each other

Visit Marriage Alive

~ David and Claudia Arp, MSW, founders of Marriage Alive Seminars, are marriage educators, columnists and authors of numerous books and small group video curriculum including The Second Half of Marriage and 10 Great Dates (Zondervan) Website: www.marriagealive.com

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How to Write a Love Letter

What could be more romantic than receiving a love letter?A good old fashioned, hand-written love letter is still one of the best Valentines around, but don't just save it for February. A love letter is a powerful expression any day of the year.

You don't have to be Shakespeare to write the perfect love letter. All you need to know is how you feel. What makes a love letter so romantic is that it is deeply personal. It shows your beloved how well you know them, and that knowledge is the very stuff of love.

All you need to get started is a pen and some decent stationary. Use thick card stock with some texture to it rather than stationary with roses and cupids around the edges. The recipient is probably going to keep this letter for a long time. Writing on heavy card stock will help it last.

As you are writing be specific. Tell him exactly how he makes you feel and what he does that makes you feel that way. Write in the second person ( use "you" ) so that your letter speaks directly to him. Before you start writing, take a few moments to think about your beloved. The following questions can help to get your thoughts going:

* What is his greatest strength?
* What do you see in him that he doesn't see in himself?
* What is the most romantic thing he has ever done for you?
* What does he do on a regular basis that shows you he cares about you?
* When did you fall in love with him?
* What about him pleasantly surprised you?
* What is your favorite memory of the two of you?
* How has your world changed since you got together?

You can start your letter anyway you like as long as you include his name. You don't have to be super-mushy right from the start, a simple "Dear _____" works well. Begin your letter with a very specific quality that you appreciate about him. Make the sentence exclusive – for example "I've never met anyone as _______ as you" or "No one has ever made me feel as____ as you do when you ____" Starting out this way shows him that he ranks higher than anyone else in your books – a great way to start a love letter.

As you write, tell him exactly how you feel. Use specific examples that show that you've been paying attention. Remind him of the things he has done that really meant something to you. Share a favorite memory and a hope for the future. Don't forget to say "I love you." It doesn't matter how long or short your letter is, as long as it's sincere.

There's no rule that says you have to use poetry in a love letter, but if you're stumped finding just the right words, one or two carefully chosen lines can work really well. If you don't have a poem in mind, there's a lot to choose from online. If you want to use something other than the usual classics, I highly recommend "Dance Me to the End of Love" by Leonard Cohen.

Once your letter is complete, read it over carefully and check for errors. This letter will be read over and over. You don't want a mistake spoiling the mood.

If you want to add an extra special touch, seal the envelope with wax. Sealing kits are available at most fine stationary stores, but a regular taper candle in a dark colour works just as well. Simply light the candle and carefully drip a small puddle of wax about the size of a quarter over the flap.

Once the letter is complete, drop it in the mail and wait for a great response. If you're lucky, you just might get a love letter yourself.

Claire Colvin~ Claire Colvin is the editor of Women Today Magazine. She has a B.A. in English from Trinity Western University. She kept the first love letter she ever received and although they haven't been together for years now it's still her favorite. Read Claire's story

Related Reading:

10 Ways to Make Love Last
Looking for Love
Date Ideas for Parents

A Healing Journey

There are different kinds of secrets. Some are things hidden from our understanding, sometimes called the mysteries of life: how they built the pyramids, miracles, unexplained events. There are military secrets - confidential military matters, the CIA and spies. There are the secrets that are methods or formulas based on successes: if you send in your hundred dollars, you can receive a secret blend of tea/cream/pills guaranteed to make your cellulite disappear. Don't we wish. There are the secrets where others share confidences with you.

Then you have the secrets that are of the personal nature - things that we have done ourselves, or had done to us, or been involved in that we don't want anybody to know about. Usually it is something that is not socially or morally acceptable.

There are different kinds of personal secrets:

Cheating - Perhaps on an exam, just looking over onto the next person's paper.
Lying - Even distorting the numbers on our income tax.
Stealing - We eat those grapes, walking down the aisle in the market, and we haven't paid for them. That may be a stretch, but then maybe there's a history of stealing- stealing as a teenager. Maybe its embezzlement.
Sexual secrets - Things like affairs, crisis pregnancies that may have ended in adoption or abortion that you haven't told anybody about. Maybe it was prostitution. Molestation. Homosexuality. Addiction to pornography. Incest.
Drug addictions - This could be anything from sleeping pills to cocaine to heroin.

The list goes on.

We keep secrets for many reasons. We conceal out of fear and shame. We fear rejection. What if - if we expose ourselves and lay ourselves bare - we are abandoned by our friends, our family, or perhaps even ridiculed by our enemies. We fear that our projected persona would become tarnished if we showed who we really are. We may feel that to be acceptable to others we must look good at all costs. Perhaps we keep secrets in a futile attempt to erase our past.

Abortion is a secret that many people keep. We can transpose the same dynamics from this onto any personal secret. Abortion is an issue that is highly charged and can be very political, but my intent is to discuss this subject with sensitivity and compassion.

A Woman's Secret-Abortion

In the general population, about one in four women has had an abortion. Tracy, Lynn, Kate, Donna and Muriel all shared this secret. The first four are not their real names, but their circumstances are all true. Muriel, the fifth woman, openly writes and speaks about her abortion experience and her healing journey. As one of our volunteers at Post Abortion Community Services, she has given permission to use her real name.

When I first met these women, and learned something about themselves and their lives, they each presented with an array of symptoms specific to what is called Post Abortion Stress - also called Post Abortion Trauma or Post Abortion Syndrome. For whatever reasons the woman has had an abortion, she can enter a kind of relief phase from two to five years. That phase is starting to shorten simply because many women now have access to
information and pictures that they wouldn't have in the past - fetal
development, ultrasounds, and other literature. Following that relief period, some symptoms that women describe are:

1. Guilt/survival guilt - "I took the life of my baby. I feel badly about it now. I wish I weren't here."

2. Anxiety and panic attacks.

3. Psychological numbing - "I don't feel happy; I don't feel sad. I feel nothing. I feel devoid of emotion." One woman in a group, after she told her story, was asked: "What was it like to tell your abortion story?" She said: "I felt like I was up in the room . . . and I watched myself, looking down, telling my story." It was as if she couldn't bring her emotions together with the actual details of what had happened in her life.

4. Depression - Many women have, at some point after their abortion, felt suicidal.

5. Anniversary syndrome - On the date that the baby would have been born, or on the date of the abortion, sometimes women feel different, kind of crazy. Some women re-experience the abortion in flashbacks.

6. Child-bearing/fertility anxiety - Women may become preoccupied with becoming pregnant again. There may also be an interruption of the bonding process when they do feel that they are ready to have a baby.

7. Eating disorders.

8. Alcohol/drug abuse - Behaviours that only mask the pain.

9. Brief, reactive psychosis - One woman described walking down a city street on garbage day. As she passed the alley, she "could hear babies crying from the garbage cans." She had a break with reality. Another woman woke up one night after her abortion, and she looked at her hands and said: "I've got blood on my hands." She said: "I went and I tried to wash this off my hands and it wasn't coming off."

These symptoms are primarily the result of three things:

A. The inability to process the fear, the guilt and the anger surrounding the pregnancy and the abortion.

B. The inability to grieve the loss of the baby - because it is a pregnancy loss, there is a child-bearing loss.

C. An inability to come to peace with herself and others involved in the abortion decision.

Many other factors may affect the situation, such as the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy. Was it an affair? Was it incest? Was it rape? Was the person unmarried? Were the rules about having sex broken? Each of these circumstances will bring a set of dynamics that will affect the woman's situation.

Another factor is support - what sort of support did she have? Was she in a situation where either the boyfriend or the husband was pressuring her to have the abortion? Did she pressure him to agree to the abortion? What about family and friends? Did she tell anyone? Did she cross her own moral and ethical boundaries?

The type and the legality of the abortion are also important to the woman's experience. We see many women from both sides. There are nine or ten different types of abortion, depending on the stage of pregnancy. So the woman who was awake, for example, would experience something very different from the woman who was under general anaesthetic. Her memories would be
very different if she were at a clinic because she sees, she hears, she experiences and she remembers what people say to her. The woman under general anaesthetic - as is usual in a hospital - will remember the before and the after. If it were a medical abortion - where she is going to abort in her own home - this will make a difference as well. She will be reminded of that everywhere she goes in her own home. If it's a second or third trimester abortion, she's going to be fully awake to go through labour and delivery.

Tracy came for counselling after keeping her abortion a secret for twenty years. She had a later term abortion, and it was illegal. Lynn arrived for her first appointment through the back door from the alley. She was frightened that she would be seen coming into our office. Lynn took part as a subject in an experimental project to test medical abortions. She aborted in her own home.

Kate was adamant that she could not be in a post-abortion group with anyone who worked in her field. She was quite well-known and she was terrified that anybody in her profession would find out her story. She came for counselling five years after her abortion. Her abortion was an early term abortion and it was legal. Donna came for counselling more than twenty years after her illegal abortion. She was a teenager at the time of her abortion - her mother had arranged it and was present in the room at the
time of the abortion, where her daughter gave birth to twins. Muriel came twenty-two years after her two abortions. Both were first trimester, both were approved by a hospital board, so they were both legal.

At the time of their abortions, each of the women was single. Donna and Tracy are now married and they've told their husbands. Muriel, Kate, and Lynn are currently single. Generally, for those who were involved in the decision-making, the abortion was a part of their lives that they chose tokeep secret.

The Deep, Dark Place

Secrets imprison, they breed suspicion, and at times they can paralyse us with a fear of being found out. They are parts of us that we hide, that we keep undercover. It's kind of musty, dank, and dark in that place; nothing flourishes there except fear. It's often shrouded in shame, guilt, confusion, and - in the case of abortion - there may be mixed maternal messages for the woman. If you're not talking to anybody in the isolation of this dark place, that fear will mount.

The post-abortive woman will sometimes revisit her decision, asking herself: "Did I do the right thing? Have I done something wrong?" Or even: "What have I done?" Even a glimpse of the answer can be too painful or terrifying to face, let alone allow anyone else to see.

Somewhere in the pain and fear, consciously or unconsciously, the decision is made to conceal and to compartmentalise: "I'm not going to touch it. And no one else is going to touch it either." This might seem very strange in a society that is quite open about abortion. Yet women who've had abortions usually do not talk about it again - it usually doesn't come up in conversations. So although there is great permission for abortion, there is not great permission to talk about it. There continues to be tremendous stigma around abortion.

Building the Walls

No matter what the secret we have, we employ defence mechanisms to keep the pain at bay - to keep ourselves from going to that dark place. We can avoid people, situations and anything that gets us too close to that secret. We can deny it exists, or that it even holds any power over us. We will forget, either consciously or unconsciously. We may even try
harder to make up for the shame we feel: "I'll do better, I'll work harder, I'm going to be more successful."

It may seem that our secrets, even small secrets, are benign. Yet secrecy runs deep, and it can take hold of us in ways that, perhaps, we had not even anticipated. Protection is of utmost importance to us: protection from pain, protection from being found out.

The secret, then, prevents us from intimacy, from the ability to self-disclose, and from the ability to be vulnerable with another person. It isolates , it restricts and it chokes.

This poem was written by a young woman eleven years ago. She came to a post-abortion group as a university student. She felt that she could not explain herself clearly, that she could not open up. This is a woman who had begun to look at her secret, but remnants of the isolation remained.

Babies everywhere,
Not mine.
I feel foolish,
But I want to get pregnant again.
I'd never have an abortion again.
But getting pregnant now would be stupid.
Mixed feelings:
Want a baby,
Glad I don't have a baby,
Want to get pregnant,
Scared of it.
Alone.
Leave me alone.
Don't deserve love,
I killed my own child.
Don't get too close,
Don't touch me.
I'll only hurt you,
Push you away.
Curl up in a ball,
Just me.
No one else,
No one can touch me.
Shut you out,
Shut the world out.
Alone,
Not lonely.
Yes it is lonely.

Lonelier when I'm with lots of people.
Feel detached,
At odds with myself, the world, everything.
I stood among them, but not of them,
In a shroud of thoughts which were not their thoughts.
Escape.
Go away to a cabin in the woods.
Just me and the birds, animal, and small children.
The only ones who truly accept you as you are,
No questions,
Unconditional love.
No questions.
Alone.
Me and my dog take off.
Candles, flames, fire, warm,
All-consuming.
Just sit and stare into the flame,
Imagine myself curled up inside the flame,
Fire all around me.
Surrounding, protesting, isolating.
No one can touch me.
Cocoon, protection,
Womb-like.
No worries, no fears, no thoughts.
Change, metamorphosis, become better,
Emerge whole, complete.
At peace.
Light, warmth, acceptance.
Love.

Love is patient, love is kind.
Faith, hope and love, these three.
But the greatest of these is love.
Love my baby.
Imagine myself pregnant.
See myself with the child,
Teaching, loving, molding.
Never let myself think of it as a baby before.
Tired.
Want to sleep forever.
Want to dream of paradise,
My child and I together.
No one else.
Don't want to share her with anyone.

Don't touch me.
Don't be nice to me.
I'll cry
Salty tears down my face,
Wet my pillow
Before I even realize I'm crying.
Something inside of me is empty.
It's broken, it's missing.
Irreplaceable.
Punishment, jail, bars.
No public sentence,
Only an eternity locked up inside myself,
Alone, tired, exhausted.

When a post-abortion group meets, we ask each woman to describe pictorially what her abortion pain looks like. How would she describe it? We call that the abortion wound. One woman described it as being in a body bag. You're dead. She said: "I feel dead. I want out. Wrapped up in barbed wire . . . I can't touch out without getting hurt, and nobody can touch me without getting hurt." Caged. A shattered teacup. In a dark hole, can't get out.

Muriel described her abortion wound as being up against a brick wall that she could not see over. Some years after her description of that wall, I came across a diagram that expressed the secrecy and isolation of abortion. The woman behind the brick wall.

On the outside of the wall, there are flowers and ivy growing - life flourishes. On the inside of the wall are feelings: hopelessness, shame, numb, sad, lonely, hurt. She lives within the wall: "Often this isolation is not apparent to the person living behind the wall or to the significant others in her life." This way of living has become her normal lifestyle; she got used to it. In fact, if a woman has lived long enough behind her wall, she may not even remember her life outside the wall. She feels that people let her down when she needed them, and probably not only when she aborted. So she builds the protective wall even higher.

It takes a lot of emotional energy to hold up that wall. A person has to work very hard to keep it looking good, so that nobody will find out what the secret is.

The Journey of Healing

The wall we hide behind with our secret really protects us from being free. It protects us from letting others in, from getting close and from being real. Herein lies the dilemma: we'd like to be vulnerable, we'd like to be transparent, we'd like to be intimate. But what is the cost?

The cost is being exposed - the unravelling of the secret, the consequences that might bear out, seeing ourselves as we really are.

Tracy, Lynn, Donna, Kate and Muriel, despite their fears, did not want to live as they lived. They took the first step of telling their secret. With quiet courage, they placed that first phone call. They spoke with a post-abortion counsellor, and in subsequent weeks, the unravelling began. Each woman started on her journey of healing, where she was able to sort through her fears, her questions and her emotions to grieve the loss of her baby and move into forgiveness and resolution.

Think of a person's healing journey as peeling an onion. If you think about peeling an onion, there are usually a lot of tears. The "onion" comes away in layers, and each layer represents something different. It could be some healing for anger, healing for humiliation, for depression, for unforgiveness, hatred, sadness, hopelessness, despair, shame, grief.

Grief over losing the baby.

There is freedom at each stage, as you are exposing what's been in the dark, and it comes into the light. But even good intentions to deal with a secret may not relieve the core issue. And that is the one of lingering guilt.

It is in the healing journey, I find, that we are often led to our spiritual journey. As more layers are removed, and more of those outside issues are dealt with, we get closer to the core of who we are. We are exposed for who we are. Sometimes if we rest quietly, and allow ourselves to see who we really are, it can be terrifying. Because we see people who are capable of evil. We are sinful people.

We don't like to use that word very much. When I wrote that down, I thought: "Oh, I don't know if I want to write that." But it's true, we really are. We hate to admit it. It can be a frightening realization that shatters our impression of who we thought we were. Yet if we don't run away from this place, we begin to see a yearning that arises - a yearning for forgiveness, that can't be assuaged by or from within ourselves.

We can't deal with the forgiveness. We try many things. We try doing good work. Sometimes we try punishing ourselves. It doesn't work. When we come to the end of that, we're left with our core again. The prison walls of guilt are still there, they still loom large. It's here that we're faced with our need for God.

Four of the five women - Tracy, Donna, Kate and Muriel - all experienced the relief that comes in sharing their secret within the safe company of a selected and trusted few. One of the women decided she wasn't ready to do that yet. Three of them, as they got closer to the core, moved into the next depth of the spiritual.

They received forgiveness, rest and peace in the safety of Jesus Christ. He is the very Son of God. He has the power and authority to forgive - the power and authority to reconcile us to God and the power and authority to bring restoration in our lives. We can be free women, authentic women, vulnerable women, transparent, truthful, capable of intimacy, and healed women.

Where we can't break through that prison wall, Jesus will do it on our behalf. He tells us He loves us while we're still deep in the muck of the darkness of the secret, even if we say: "Forget it God, I don't want anything to do with you." He still loves us. Jesus has already provided for our forgiveness, and He's already provided a way to turn our lives back to God. A 360-degree turnaround. A new beginning, a fresh start. All we need to do is put our hand in His, trust Him and follow Him out.

Secrets are a prison. In the Bible, Jesus says: "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

If you would like to know more about how you can experience forgiveness, click here to begin your Journey of Joy.

ANGIE CÔTÉ, RN, RPN is the Program Director of Post Abortion Community Services in Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada.

Mutually Devoted to You

Are you mutually devoted to each other? Then you're honouring and complimenting each other. There's nothing quite as wonderful as being in a mutual admiration society with your spouse! Just knowing that you chose each other above all others will help you weather the storms of life.

Honouring each above the other is a volitional choice. In our marriage of 35 years, many have been the occasions when in the middle of a storm our mutual devotion was more an act of the will than a feeling of the heart. And even today we still work at fostering mutual devotion.

At times when we still desperately want "our own way", we need to honour the other above our own selves. How does that work out? We honour the other when we do for our mate what we would like our mate to do for us -- whether it's doing the dishes, getting up with the baby, or just listening when we would rather go to sleep or read a book.

Mutual devotion says to the other person, "I desire to put you first. I'm totally committed to your well-being." Think about how good it feels when your spouse lets you know he or she wants to be with you. Maybe through a twinkle in the eye, a gentle caress, or a loving compliment your mate let's you know he or she is mutually devoted to you.

It feels so good to be affirmed, but don't assume your mate knows you love him or her -- declare it! Here are some ways to demonstrate your devotion and honour your partner:

* Present your mate with a long stem rose.
* Frame a picture of the two of you.
* Write a love note on the steamed bathroom mirror.
* Take over your partner's chores when he or she has had a hard day.
* Send your mate a fax declaring your devotion.
* Let your spouse pick the movie you are going to watch.
* Invite your mate out on a date that you totally plan. Keep the location a surprise.

Take a few minutes and evaluate how you're doing at honouring your spouse. How have you demonstrated your devotion in the past week? Now make a list of ways you can honour your spouse this next week.

Form your own mutual admiration society today! It'll help you stay "mutually devoted!"

~ David and Claudia Arp, MSW, founders of Marriage Alive Seminars, are marriage educators, columnists and authors of numerous books and small group video curriculum including The Second Half of Marriage and 10 Great Dates (Zondervan) Website: www.marriagealive.com

Building Your Mate’s Self-Esteem

I remember when I was 12 years old, playing in a peewee hockey game where we were getting destroyed. My father (and coach) stormed into the dressing room between periods and yelled at my teammates, “Listen up, you guys! Just give the puck to Paul and get out of his way!”

I was mortified at the time, but later on it hit me. My Dad thinks I’m pretty good! I’m not sure how the other players felt, but in his own way, my dad was telling me that he believed in me. Times like that gave me the confidence that I needed to fulfill my dream of playing in the NHL.

All of us need cheerleaders in our corner. As a husband, one of my greatest responsibilities – and greatest privileges – is to support and encourage my wife to become the woman that God created her to be. A big part of that is helping her to feel good about herself, to give her the confidence and courage to step out, take risks, and grow.

There is a principle that says “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph. 4:29). How exactly do we do that? My Dad had his own way, but here are a few suggestions that might help your marriage.

1. Go back to school -You need to become a student of your mate. Watch their life, and get a sense of their potential, their goals and their dreams. Determine where they could use some encouragement or empowerment to overcome a fear.

I always believed that my wife Eleanor would make a fabulous public speaker. But for many years, she just couldn’t see it and was even terrified of trying. She didn’t have self-confidence. But that was okay – I had enough confidence for the both of us! I spent our early years encouraging her and helping her sharpen her speaking skills, and now we speak together regularly at FamilyLife marriage conferences across Canada. What once was a huge area of fear for her has become one of our greatest joys as a couple.

2. Affirm their strengths -As I said, we all need a cheerleader in our corner, and no one should be a bigger fan of your spouse than you. When you see an area of competence and excellence in their life, tell them! Be specific in giving them examples of where you have seen them be wise and discerning. Praise them for whatever they do well, whether it’s cooking, decorating your home, caring for the children, helping people, excelling at work, or being a person of character. Your enthusiasm will put a smile on their face and will give them a confidence that they can achieve their goals.

3. Critique carefully -If we are serious about helping our spouse become a better person, there will be times when some constructive criticism is necessary. This is dangerous territory - tread carefully!

There is a fine line between exhorting and destroying. Our job is to build one another up, not tear one another down. Communicate your intentions to help in the best possible light so your spouse does not become defensive or feel put down. Paint the picture of a diamond in the rough; it just has to be mined – polished, cleaned up, refined. Focus on the diamond not the rough – remember that it takes seven positive comments to outweigh one negative.

4. Public praise -One of the most damaging things we can do to our spouse is to criticize them in front of others. On the other hand, there is nothing as empowering and uplifting as public affirmation. A lot of people today seem to enjoy cutting down their spouse in the presence of others, whether friends, acquaintances or children. Instead, always speak well of your mate, whether or not your spouse is present.

I tell everyone I meet that my wife is the most wonderful woman I have ever laid eyes on. (And she is, too – you should see her!) You will never catch me complaining or even making negative jokes about her. She is God’s precious gift, and I want everybody to know it!

5. Work as a team -Although I may tell my wife how wonderful she is, if I never listen to her or value and acknowledge her suggestions, my words will ring hollow. Individualism creates a feeling of worthlessness in the other person. Seek your mate’s input in your decision-making. God brought you together because you complement one another. Work as a team, and you will not only make better decisions, you will communicate, “I value you.” You will also discover how often God will speak to you through your spouse.

6. Provide security -Dave Currie, a frequent speaker at marriage conferences, makes the excellent point that you should be a safe place for your mate to land. Create an environment where your mate knows that they can share anything openly and freely without the slightest hesitation.

Be sure to remind your spouse often how much you love and cherish them. I tell my wife Eleanor all the time how much I admire her and want her. Assure your mate that you will always be there for them and you will never leave them. The security of knowing that there is someone who is always behind you, no matter what, creates an environment that encourages a person to take the necessary risks to chase their dreams.

Above all, point them to the other Person who is totally enamored with them. As people created in the image of God, each of us is exceptionally valuable in His eyes. He has plans for each of us that are far beyond our comprehension. Our great honour as a husband or a wife is to help our spouse fulfill God’s vision for their life. Nothing is more rewarding!

How does God really feel about you? It says in the Bible that he has loved you "with an everlasting love". Find out what it means to be loved like that.

Paul Henderson~ Paul Henderson played professional hockey for 18 years but is best remembered for scoring the "Goal of the Century" in the first Canada/Russia series in 1972. He and his wife Eleanor are regular speakers with FamilyLife Canada. The Hendersons live in Mississauga, Ontario and have three daughters and six grandchildren.

More ways to show you care:
How to write a love letter
Learning to love each other
Be good to your marriage

Tools for Building a Great Marriage

Sharon and her husband built the garage and decided to live there until the house was constructed. Five years later they were still in the garage. The house plans still took a prominent place on the wall… but life was busy. They hadn't planned to let construction slip it had just happened as the busyness of day to day took front and center stage. They were fairly comfortable for the moment but building had stopped.

Building a marriage is much like building a home. You put deliberate plans in place and then you actively pursue the construction. Day to day busyness must be guarded against and the building must be conscious. When building stops, status quo settles in. Having a deliberate eye on construction can keep building fun and productive.

The marriage relationship is the highest of all human relationships. It can be a complete sharing of heart and soul, mind and body or, it can be simply a living arrangement of co-existence. Most marriages are somewhere in between. Any marriage can benefit from implementing some new or re-sharpened tools to move deliberately in building into a growing relationship.

Here are 5 practical and positive tools to use in building your marriage.

1. The Team Tool

Remember you are a team. When two team members forget they are on the same team and begin to compete with each other, no one wins. Marriage is not about winning, it is about pulling together in the same direction. Stop for a moment and look honestly at yourself. Do you need to win every argument or be right about some insignificant disagreement?

Maybe he is the one with that need to be right. Remember you are on the same team. In things that don't matter, drop it. In things that do, plan for a time out and set a date to re-visit the issue. Verbalize the fact that you are a team. Bring in a third party if you repeatedly stalemate on one issue. Think in terms of "I choose us".
2. The Response Tool

Don't react, respond! Your reactions actually tell more about you than your actions do! Take time to think before you just react! Evaluate why you react in certain ways and plan ahead of time what you are going to do next time it happens. Know what your buttons are…do you react negatively if he is late getting home and didn't call? What situations do you find yourself reacting in? Choose to be conscious of the "I choose us" frame of mind and think about your reactions. Many couples get on a merry-go-round of reactions and find themselves in a hostile environment neither of them wants. Choose to respond instead!
3. The Blessing Tool

Give a blessing today! In the book The Blessing, Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent describe the deliberate practice of expressing honor and devotion to other people. Many marriage partners have come to this special relationship without ever having received honor or devotion. Sometimes they come with trust issues because these things were not a part of their heritage.

Begin today to put words of honor and devotion into your partner's heart. Speak truth from your heart. Let him know what you appreciate about him. Affirm his positive traits. "You give such attention to detail." or "Your boss knows he can depend on you." If you have to stretch a long way to find something, start where you can. It may be something like, "I appreciate how you provide for our family. Thank you." Or "Maggie really needed you to see that test she did so well in. Thanks for taking time to listen to her."

For some, this tool will be easy to use. For others it will feel awkward and hard to put to use. If you draw a blank in finding words of affirmation begin to watch carefully for the little things you can affirm.
4. The Sharing Tool

Share as much of life as possible! Share your time, share your thoughts, share your interests, and share his interests. This is a tool that must be deliberately engaged or life will push it aside. Time spent together doing things affords a connection opportunity. History together is built one event at a time. Make sure you are inputting positive events that build a positive archive. Plan dates… a movie night, dinner out, or even a coffee are good ideas to keep sharing alive!

If life has crowed the sharing out of your relationship, be deliberate in building it back in. Start small, share a certain TV program and sit beside him. Share a cup of coffee or a glass of lemonade for a couple of minutes in the middle of a task he is doing. Even cleaning the garage or basement together can connect you. Reminisce briefly now and then. "This old bike brings back memories of those good times we had biking that summer before we moved". Share your time. Go with him to look at a car or take a trip to Home Depot. Begin to share your thoughts.
5. The Contact Tool

Make daily contact! It is entirely possible to live with someone and not make any or very little contact. Contact is an excellent building tool and you can use it in a variety of ways. Each day try to connect in one way, either emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually. Think about it and try to be deliberate. Some construction tools look overwhelming yet when you know how to use them they are extremely valuable in the building project.

Emotionally - Share a thought that goes beyond picking up milk or confirming the time of an appointment. Use "I feel…" comments. Offer support emotionally. "You've had a lot of pressure lately. Why don't you sleep in a bit Saturday?"
"I know we are in a financial crunch right now, but we'll do what we have to do and together we'll get through it." Encourage in any way you can. Remember that communication is only 7% words we speak and the rest is our tone and body language. Tone and body language are the emotional language we speak.

Mentally - Connect by sharing a newspaper article you read, a news commentator you listened to or from a book you are reading. Ask him his opinions and listen to them. Share a story from your day or ask a question about something that interests him.

Physically - Give lots of non-sexual touching such as a quick hug, a hand on the arm, a pat on the hand or the back. Touching says "I care" and touch is one of our basic human needs. If all touching has become a signal for sex, touch on the way out the door, touch casually, touch in passing.

Do make time for the sexual contact as well. Plan for it. Dwell on the good things about your husband. Have a relaxing bath, get out a candle and surprise him with a sense of pleasure at being together.

Spiritually - Many couples never share on this level even if they share the same faith. Spiritual sharing gives a third dimension to a relationship. Share a thought or a reading that inspired you. Take time to pray for him. Let him know you are praying for him. Pray together if possible.

Endeavor to connect regularly on all levels.

But what about me?

These tools all focus on you as the builder. It is more important to be the right partner than to have the right partner. You can only change you. You cannot change your partner; you can only change how you relate to him. But what if your emotional and spiritual gage is on empty? What if you need someone to build into you?

Plain and simply the answer is God! No, don't stop reading…its true and it is a very practical thing you can experience. God loves you. He has only your best in mind. He waits for you to invite Him to share the journey of life with you. When you open your heart to receive His love and forgiveness for doing life your own way, He comes in and begins to build into you so you, in turn, can build into others. Invite God into your life; invite him into your marriage. He is the well from which you can draw. Ask Him to give you insight into your husband. Ask Him to give you a loving and responsive heart. Ask Him to give you strength and wisdom. Ask Him for words that build up and bless. Ask Him for patience. He created you and He created marriage. He is the master builder and the one that is truly qualified to help you use these tools.

On your own you can find a measure of success in applying these tools. But God holds the manual and, when invited, He can enhance your life and your marriage in ways you never imagined. Why not invite Him now?

~ Gail Rodgers draws from her own life experience in her roles as wife, mother of three, business woman and as a pastor to women.

More relationships:

How to write a love letter

Communication in your marriage

Naturals or learners

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Life After Divorce

Life after divorceDivorce is a great loss and a crisis which has a huge impact the lives of everyone involved. If you have experienced, or are experiencing divorce, my heart goes out to you. I know about divorce. My parents were divorced when I was 12 years old. It was painful. It was destabilizing for my whole family.

In my years of counseling I have heard many divorcees voice the same concerns. Many express their feelings of loss, betrayal and confusion. This isn’t the way the story is supposed to end. For many divorcees the question becomes, “now what?” Divorce is not the end of the road. It isn’t easy, and it often is not what we would have chosen, but there are still choices you can make as you deal with this new situation.

“I am so tired of feeling the way I do”

Divorce is painful. There is nothing that will quickly take the pain away, it is something that has to be worked through. If you are experiencing divorce, you are dealing with grief, with rejection, with having your heart broken. Taking away the pain would make you miss out on the growing process which is so necessary to bring about real healing. And you might risk getting into a rebound relationship.

This is the time to work on yourself and personal growth and stabilizing your life. The grief you feel is real – is normal and is a process that will eventually help – yes, help – your heart to heal. It’s ok to give yourself time to work through this. You don’t have to crumble underneath the weight of this transition. You can learn to grieve and grow.

“I still loved him and prayed his heart would change.”

It is normal to feel that you still love your spouse because you gave your heart away and committed yourself to your husband. You took vows to love him or her until death do you part. Unfortunately, he didn’t keep up his end of the contract. He broke it. You can’t make him change his mind and you wouldn’t want to force him to change his mind.

When you really think about it – you want someone to “freely choose to love you for yourself.” Because “love freely given” is real love. Real love has to come from the person’s heart and volition. Rejection and betrayal are painful. But, would you want him back because he felt pressured to come back to you? No. In fact, what you rejoiced in when you were first married is that this special person “freely chose you and loved you”. As much as you might want to, you can’t make him love you.

“I feel betrayed and rejected.”

The first issue is feeling rejected. Your ex-spouse’s rejection does not change who you are and how valuable you are as a person. The rejection is a choice he made – that choice does not determine your worth. You are still a person uniquely made – someone with purpose, talents, opinions and who can be used to make a difference in the world.

The rejection you feel will cause you to feel angry. You will need to work through the anger and the resentment. Anger will help motivate you to work on improving your life – but, it can cause you to fall into the trap of bitterness.

“Nothing I do seems right anymore...my life feels like a mess.”

80% of your energy is used processing your emotions. That is why you feel confused and why you feel troubled and question yourself. Your self-esteem has been affected greatly. To top everything off – you feel cut off from people because friendships change when a marriage breaks up. You lose some of your “couple” friends. You feel left out and isolated. You feel depressed because of the divorce and the depression makes you want to isolate yourself. There can be employment and financial difficulties.

I encourage you to fight the depression which is at the core and causes you to tell yourself –‘I am not worth anything, my life is meaningless, nobody cares about me – I may as well give up.’

Start making choices which will keep you going and growing in the right direction. You need to make choices which will keep you working through the grief to get on with life after divorce.

What are the choices you can start making?



1. Get counseling and support. Find a counselor in the AACC (www.aacc.net) directory. Find a Divorce Care (www.divorcecare.com) support group.
2. Begin to journal your grief and feelings.
3. Start a job search if employment or finances are an issue. Get some help with your resume from someone you know who has some expertise in this area. Get some career guidance from www.crown.org
4. Begin to make one goal a week which will help your life improve. Exercise regularly. Eat nutritiously.
5. Accept that life will be a challenge. But, look at the challenges as opportunities to grow in faith and in character and in new skills.
6. Accept the reality that you are divorced. Read how to make the best of your life after divorce with books like Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke.



You are dealing with various issues here: The reality of the death of your marriage, the loss of your spouse, the rejection and betrayal, a broken life and dreams. This is huge! This is hard! But, let me stop to say – that this crisis is one you can get through to the other side. This loss is one in which God can bring hope and in which you can become strong in the brokenness.

There is no way that I know to work through the pain of divorce quickly. You would miss the process of character development, the ways God will answer your prayers each day, the way hope and strength will grow slowly back into your life. This will build a stronger foundation in your life and in your spirit. You can discover new blessings, new treasures, and even a new you – if you determine to make an effort each day. God bless you!

Read my story and how the divorce of my parents affected my life: www.hoyweb.com/faq/testimny.htm

~ Lynette J. Hoy, is a marriage and family counselor, speaker, writer and the Chicagoland Chair of Community and Business Women for Christ.



©2004 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC

Out of My Horrible Pit

He came home from work one evening and, with a cold and indifferent tone, my husband Gene informed me we needed to take a ride. His demeanor was more silent than usual. I got ready quickly and joined him as he silently walked me to the car.

He started the car and we rode silently as the car took us out of our neighborhood without any specific destination. I wanted to know what was on his mind. I asked with curiosity and apprehension. With a tone of sad indifference he gave me the details of his dissatisfaction with our marriage and our relationship.

His reasons didn’t help

He explained that the lack of attention I had demonstrated toward him was painful. He added there was someone at work with whom he’d been sharing his emotions. He had found comfort in her listening ear, and in her much needed understanding.

He continued talking, but the explanation and details just ripped at my heart. I don’t remember everything he said. I wish I could have just gone numb. Instead, everything, every feeling, intensified. This horrible blow came from the one person I relied on and never doubted. The pain of it poured over me like acid; it seared.

This unexpected announcement and his feeble attempt to make me understand why was more than I could bear. I was stunned. I was speechless. I wanted to escape, so I asked him to stop the car. I was becoming physically ill. He pulled in at a fast-food restaurant. It seemed I was emptying everything inside me, everything but the pain that scorched my heart.

Walking through a haze

The following weeks became a blurry haze. I felt empty and hollow, unable to sleep or eat. A wall of silence and tension built between my husband and I driving us farther apart. His coldness and distance turned the knife of rejection within me.

“What about my three little boys?” I thought with anguish. They needed at least one parent who was “together” enough to care for them. I had to pick up the pieces somehow. But where would I begin? Should I try to cater to Gene’s emotional needs? Should I fight and try to stay in a relationship knowing he no longer desired me? Did I need to face the fact that after ten years of marriage, I was soon to be a single mother?

Neither of us made a decision about the marriage. We sought counseling, but the advice was simply to “get out” of relationship that wasn’t working out. We talked, and talked some more, but nothing was resolved.

In an attempt to put our life together again and move forward, I desperately began to pray. In the midst of sobs I called out to God …perhaps ‘complain to Him’ would be more accurate. The thought of looking to God for answers was not foremost in my mind. Although I knew how to recite memorized prayers, God had not been a part of any plans I made, nor did I ever seek His input in this process. I had followed my dreams, my goals, my objectives.

If you had asked me if I believed in God, my answer would have been, “Of course, it’s a personal and private matter, but I have him in my heart.” What an answer! “In my heart?” God was out there somewhere, distant, abstract, put away in my mind. He was just there in case I needed to mutter a prayer to Him. God was like a spiritual insurance policy, mostly forgotten, remembered only when needed.

I lacked a relationship with God. When my dreams were broken, I felt lost, empty, and anxious. I felt rejected and abandoned by Gene and defeated by a force that was bigger than anything.

Turning point

“Jan, would you like to visit our church?” asked a friend. Somewhat uncomfortable I accepted this invitation to her Christian church. My shattered heart ached for someone to make it whole again. For years, I heard Bible verses at my own church. They reached my ears and quickly vanished. But now, broken and desperate, those same verses pierced my heart with the sharpness of truth and revelation.

I stopped my sobbing, wiped my tears and looked to Jesus. I made the decision to say ‘yes’ to Him and invite Him into my life. Like opening my hand to let go a helium balloon, I released the grip of desperation, anguish and confusion. I saw with clarity where I’d been and, more importantly, where he promised to take me. His reassurance caressed my heart.

It was as if Jesus was silently scooping up the broken pieces of my heart, dusting them off and wiping away the hurt and the pain. He was then lovingly and gently placing each piece in its proper place. Once whole again, He filled my heart with His kind of love, the unconditional and everlasting love. I made Him the center of my life.

My renewed heart had no room for self-pity, resentment, vengeance, or anger. I felt able to forgive. This genuine forgiveness brought about freedom, and with it, the wisdom to make decisions logically and calmly. With serenity and confidence I gave Gene the freedom to stay or to leave. Whatever his decision, was I would win. If he chose to stay, Christ would take care of healing our marriage. If he left, Christ would also be the one who would fill the void of his absence.

Gene surprised me one evening when he came home and announced that he had put in his resignation. As a sign of his commitment to the family, he would seek other employment. He was willing to start over with no distractions. I am convinced God honored this decision on his part. He led him to another position in a company closer to our home.

Although delighted with his decision, I was still cautious…would this last the life of our marriage? Rather than doubt or question his renewed commitment, I made my own decision to focus on God and on his promises.

What I had thought was important in our marriage—financial security, material possessions – stopped being important. What I’d disregarded before became the most important aspect of our relationship. Although it was uncomfortable at first, we began to pray together and made it a nightly routine.

Thirty years later and more in love than ever, I can look back at the series of events that took place, I can assure you, that God knew what he was doing. When my world and my marriage were falling apart God was there to pick up the pieces.

There is a verse in the Bible that says, “ I waited and waited and waited for GOD. At last he looked; finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud. He stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn't slip. (Psalm 40:1-2, The Message). That is exactly what God did for me.

Is there an area of your life that needs restoration?

God is waiting to help put the broken pieces back together. In the Bible it says that God loves the world so much that he sent his son to suffer in our place so that the slate can be wiped clean. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross forgiveness is available for everyone. No matter what has happen to us, no matter what we’ve done.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:

Lord, I need you now more than ever. I want your peace of mind. In the midst of my broken heart and my pain, I turn to you. Jesus, I ask you to forgive my sins and to give me your peace and comfort. I open the door of my life and put my trust in you.

If you sincerely expressed that prayer to God, you can know that you have a personal relationship with Him. He will be your comfort. God promises us "peace that passes understanding" in other words peace in a world that doesn't make sense. You can know peace and hope even when your world is in turmoil. You can be restored. God does not change. Ever.

If you have a question first, click here.

Adapted from Trials of Today, treasures for Tomorrow: Overcoming Adversities in Life. By Jan Eckles (Xulon Press, 2004). Visit Jan at www.janeckles.com

Chosen! Part 1 of a Series for Brides

Summer is on its way and for many, it’s wedding season. We at Women Today want to celebrate your special day with you and help you prepare for a lifetime together. Over the next few months we’ll run a series of articles for new brides.

You can read these articles on your own, or take part in our online study course and walk through them with an email mentor. I’m sure you have a lot of questions, we’d love the chance to chat. Congratulations! We hope that this series helps you prepare for a beautiful wedding and a marriage that lasts a lifetime.

Chosen! The joy of knowing you are loved

Chosen! In most marriages today, the bride knows she has been chosen by her beloved. How exciting it is to know that someone has taken time to get to know you, has grown in his love and commitment to you, and has accepted you! You too, are choosing a future with this man.

In a similar way, God has chosen to love you. No matter who you are, or what you’ve done, I can say with certainty that He has chosen to love you deeply, and desires your best. Perhaps you have chosen to make a commitment to Him, or maybe you are just beginning to learn of His love for you, and are not yet certain of any commitment. Either way, we invite you to share in this series and welcome you to join the free online course.

The beginning of love

The acquaintance deepened into respect and a growing friendship, and as you shared, you sensed a growing commitment to the good of one another. Oh, “just friends” you may have said, yet there was a sense that something was taking root in your heart. You found yourself watching for him, wondering what he’d think about something you saw, or wishing you’d run into him once again before you called it a day.

Your conversations together likely became much broader, touching on subjects that you may never have discussed with anyone else. (I remember the day I was asked, “What, ma’am, do you think of bullfrogs?“) They likely became far deeper, too, as you learned to share your heart, your feelings, your dreams. In learning to listen well to one another you found a safe place of acceptance and love. The ring of the telephone or the memory of his smile made your heart skip a beat, and you knew how precious your relationship was becoming.

Will you marry me?

Then one day, he “popped the question”! Whether in a formal restaurant, proclaimed on a billboard, or in the midst of an unsuspecting daily moment, he declared his love. Perhaps he asked your father first, or maybe you’d discussed it in general terms. Maybe you were even the one who finally said, “Will you marry me?” You have each chosen to spend the rest of your lives together.

Chosen--even the word brings a smile to one’s heart. Someone knows so much about you, loves and accepts you, and actually wants to spend the rest of his life with you. How grand!

Such a love, such a decision, is a gift from God, and I do believe it must make Him smile. It reflects His heart for you as well! You may not yet know how much God loves you, but the truth is that He chose to love you before you were even born. There is a verse in the Bible that says “We love God because He loved us first”. God loves you and wants to have a place in your life, and in your marriage.

Marriage is not easy – any look at statistics will tell you that – but a good marriage, a marriage where both partners are unconditionally loved is well worth the effort. Take a look at your life as you prepare to be married. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times.

There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. You are embarking on a whole new life, maybe this is the time to invite God to be a part of it. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.

If you have a question first, click here.

Dynamic Sex: Unlocking the Secret to Love

A fulfilling love life. How can I have one? How can I get the most out of sex?" University students worldwide ask these questions. Why? Because both pleasure and emotional fulfillment are important facets of sex.

Sex is often on our minds. According to two psychologists at the universities of Vermont and South Carolina, 95% of people think about sex at least once each day.{1} You might wonder, "You mean that 5% of the people don't?"

One way not to have a dynamic sex life is to concentrate solely on technique. There is certainly nothing wrong with learning sexual technique--especially the basics--but technique by itself is not the answer.

A good relationship is important for good sex. Psychiatrist and bestselling author Anthony Pietropinto and coauthor Jacqueline Simenauer write, "When emotional issues involving anger or a need to control are encountered on the road to sexual fulfillment, the journey is interrupted until these conflicts are resolved."{2}

Many sex therapists agree that great technique does not guarantee great sex. They emphasize that the qualities that contribute to a successful sex life are the same ones that contribute to a successful interpersonal relationship. Qualities like love, commitment and communication.

Consider love.

As popular speaker and author Josh McDowell points out, those romantic words, "I love you," can be interpreted several different ways. One meaning is "I love you if--if you go out with me...if you are lighthearted...if you stay committed to me...if you sleep with me." This type of love is given on the basis of what the other person does. Another meaning is "I love you because--because you are attractive...strong...intelligent." This type of love is given on the basis of what the other person is. Both types of love must be earned.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved for what you are, but problems can arise with having "if" or "because of" love as the basis of a relationship. Jealousy can set in when someone who is more attractive or more intelligent appears and the partner's attention shifts to the newcomer. People who know they are loved only for their strong points may be afraid to admit any weaknesses to their partners. This dishonesty can affect the relationship.

The best love

The best kind of love is unconditional. This love says, "I love you, period. I love you even if someone better looking comes along, even with your faults and even if you change. I place your needs above my own."

One young couple was engaged to be married. Their popularity, intelligence, good looks and athletic success made their future together seem bright. Then the young woman was in a skiing accident that left her paralyzed for life. Her fiancé deserted her.

Portrayed in the popular film, "The Other Side of the Mountain," this true story was certainly complex. But was his love for her "love, period"? Or was it love "if" or love "because of"? Unconditional love (or "less-conditional," because none of us is perfect) is an essential building block for a lasting relationship.

You can probably see how unconditional love can help a sexual relationship in a marriage. In order for sex to be most fulfilling, it should be experienced in an atmosphere of caring and acceptance. Sex, viewed in this manner, becomes not a self-centered performance but a significant expression of mutual love.

Mutual commitment

Another quality necessary for a strong relationship and dynamic sex is commitment. If two people are completely committed to each other, their relationship is strengthened. Without mutual commitment, neither will be able to have the maximum confidence that the relationship is secure. The fear may exist that, should they encounter a trial, the other may not be there for support. This can erode their bond.

Total, permanent commitment is important in sex, too. It brings security to each partner. It frees them from feeling they have to strive to keep from losing the other and releases them to enjoy one another. It can be an important result of and expression of unconditional love. Commitment helps to breed satisfaction.

Communication

A third quality essential for a strong relationship and dynamic sex is communication. Even if partners have mutual love and commitment, they need to communicate this to each other by what they say and do. If a problem arises, they need to talk it out and forgive rather than give each other the silent treatment and stew in their juices. As one sociology professor expressed it, "Sexual foreplay involves the 'round-the-clock relationship." Communication affects your total life; your total life affects sex. Couples need to communicate about their hopes, dreams, fears and hurts as well as the daily details of life in order for the relationship to flourish.

Sex is a form of communication. You can bet that if partners are harboring resentment or not communicating appropriately, it shows in their sex life. Psychologists, sex researchers and textbook authors Albert Richard Allgeier and Elizabeth Rice Allgeier note that "a substantial number of sexual problems could be resolved if people felt free to communicate with their sexual partners...about their sexual feelings...."{3}

So, how can you have a dynamic sex life? By developing the same qualities that contribute to a strong relationship: unconditional love, total and permanent commitment and clear, meaningful communication. These qualities combine to help produce a maximum oneness and bring the greatest pleasure.

To this point I have been saying that sex is designed to work best within a happy marriage. "But," you ask, "what about premarital sex?" This is, of course, a very controversial topic. While wanting to convey respect for those who differ, I would recommend that couples wait until marriage before having sexual relations. Why? Consider three reasons.

Why wait?

First, there is a practical reason for waiting. Premarital sex can detract from a strong relationship and a dynamic sex life. All too often, premarital sex ends up a self-seeking, self-gratifying experience. After intercourse, one partner might be saying "I love you" while the other is thinking "I love it."

Very often premarital sex occurs in the absence of total and permanent commitment. This can bring insecurity into the relationship. Both short--and long--range problems can result, especially with the breakdown in trust. For instance, while the couple is unmarried, there can always be the nagging thought, "If s/he's done it with me, whom else have they slept with?" After they marry, one might think, "If that person was willing to break a standard with me before we married, how do I know they won't now that we are married?" Doubt and suspicion can chip away at their relationship.

Poor communication, poor sex

Premarital sex can also inhibit communication. Each might wonder, "How do I compare with my lover's other partners? Does s/he tell them how I perform in bed?" Or perhaps they think, "Should I be totally honest and vulnerable and share my heart with this person when I don't know if they'll be around tomorrow? Can I entrust all of me to them if I don't have all of them for me? There will be part of me emotionally that I'll hold back." Each becomes less open; communication dwindles. And poor communication makes for poor sex. Bad feelings result, communication deteriorates and so does the relationship. In short, premarital sex can put people at a disadvantage because it can lessen their chances to experience maximum oneness and pleasure.

One young woman at Arizona State University expressed it like this: "I understand what you're saying about unity or oneness. I've had several premarital sexual experiences with different men. After each one, I've felt like I've left a part of myself with that person emotionally. What you're saying is that it makes sense for a person to save themself so they can give themself completely to their spouse."

There is a second reason for waiting: None of the arguments for premarital sex are strong enough. Of course, it's always easy to rationalize in the heat of passion and say it's right. But that is why it is important to decide beforehand--to think with your brain instead of your glands. Consider several common arguments.{4}

The Statistical Argument: "Everyone else is doing it." Oh, no, they're not! Some studies have shown high statistics, but never one that says 100%. Besides, even if "everyone else" were doing it, that is a lousy reason for doing anything. Suppose 90% of your friends developed ulcers. Would you try to emulate them? Should you? This is not to equate sex with sickness. The point is that just because "everyone else is doing it" doesn't make it advisable or right. You need a better reason.

The Biological Argument: "Sex is a biological need, like the drive for food, air and water. When I have the impulse, it needs to be satisfied." You can't live without food, air or water. Believe it or not, you can live without sex. (It's been documented.)

The Contraceptive Argument: "Modern contraceptives have removed the fear of pregnancy." Don't kid yourself. There's always a chance of pregnancy. No contraceptive is 100% foolproof. Even many marital pregnancies are unintended. A lot of married couples have had "little surprises."

Even with all the modern contraceptives, there are one million teenage pregnancies in the U.S. each year.{5} And if one chooses abortion as a "solution," there can still be emotional scarring and, for many people, a guilt burden. Incidentally an estimated 55 million people in the U.S.--about one in five--have a sexually transmitted disease (STD). Each year there are twelve million new STD infections in the U.S.{6}--an average of over 20 new cases every minute.

About 6,000 people around the globe become infected with HIV daily. {7} In the U.S., AIDS is the leading killer of people ages 25 to 44, according to the Centers for Disease Control.{8} So-called "safe sex" is not really safe at all. Condoms can slip, break and leak.{9} Johns Hopkins University reports research on HIV transmission from infected men to uninfected women in Brazil. The study took pains to exclude women at high risk of contracting HIV from sources other than their own infected sex partners. Of women who said their partners always used condoms during vaginal intercourse, 23% became HIV-positive.{10}

The Hedonistic Argument: "But it feels so good when I do it--and afterward, too!" The question is, "How long after?" What feels good for a few seconds may leave you feeling miserable for years. Self-fulfillment is hard to come by without self-respect. Also, don't forget the other person. Sometimes one partner's pleasure is another partner's misery. How would you like being used as nothing more than someone else's pleasure machine?

Basketball superstar Magic Johnson shocked much of the world when he announced he was HIV-positive. Now married and an advocate for premarital abstinence, Johnson recalls that his former sexploits--a parade of one-night stands--left him empty: "I was the loneliest guy on the face of the earth....I didn't have anybody to share with who loved me for me. For Earvin (his given name, i.e., his real self), not for Magic (the sports legend)."{11}

The Experiential Argument: "Practice makes perfect and I do want to please my partner when I do marry." As previously mentioned, communication and commitment--not just technique--are keys to dynamic sex. Why not learn with your own spouse--together--instead of on someone else's wife or sister or husband or brother? Remember, too, that good sexual adjustment takes time, love and understanding.

The Compatibility Argument: "We need to experiment to see if we're sexually compatible, especially since marriage is such a big step." Some express it like this: "You try on a pair of shoes before you buy them!" The "try-before-you-buy" idea breaks down because the human plumbing system is very flexible and almost always works. Again, premarital sex can erode trust and communication. It's wiser to test your compatibility as persons. Even happily married couples often need several years to adjust sexually to each other.

Besides, sex can cloud the issue. Sex is not the key to love. Love is the key to sex. Couples who approach marriage thinking that "We're in love so it's OK to have sex" or "We'll use sex to determine if we're in love" may be sorely disappointed. They may discover that what they thought was love is only charged-up sex sensations. Waiting until marriage does not guarantee that you'll be emotionally compatible, but it does help create a less confusing environment in which to find out before you take the step of a marriage commitment.

The Marital Argument: "If we're really in love and plan to get married, why all the fuss over the license and date?" Plans don't always end up in reality. (Chances are you know someone--perhaps yourself--who suffered a broken engagement.) The public declaration at a wedding can be an important evidence of commitment. Why? It takes a certain level of conviction to be able to state a commitment publicly. Affirming marriage vows in public helps give each partner greater assurance that each really means it. It can also act as a deterrent to future departure. The desire not to be publicly perceived as a promise-breaker can help dissuade partners from seeking supposed "greener grass." Of course a wedding is no guarantee one won't leave in the future, but it can be a preventive.

Third, there is a moral reason for waiting. According to biblical perspective, God clearly says to wait.{12} You might be thinking, "See, I told you God didn't want me to have any fun." Many people think this initially, then they realize that the reason God, as a loving parent, gives negative commands is for our own good. He wants us to experience something better!

Waiting until marriage can help you both have the confidence, security, trust and self-respect that a solid relationship needs. "I really like what you said about waiting," said a recently married young woman after a lecture at Sydney University in Australia. "My fiancé and I had to make the decision and we decided to wait." (Each had been sexually active in other previous relationships.) "With all the other tensions and stress of engagement, sex would have been just another worry. Waiting till our marriage before we had sex was the best decision we ever made."

The greatest aid

One final concept that is perhaps the greatest aid to fulfilling sex concerns relating as a total person. Human lives have three dimensions: Physical, mental and spiritual. If communication on any of these levels in a marriage is missing, the relationship is incomplete.

Some are surprised to learn that sex and spirituality can mix well. A highly-acclaimed University of Chicago study of sex in America found that among women, conservative Protestants were those most likely to report they always had an orgasm during intercourse. While that finding does not prove causation, the high correlation between spiritual commitment and sexual pleasure prompted the researchers to note that the image of Christians as sexually repressed may be a myth.{13}

Certainly biblical writers support a healthy view of sexuality. For example the Hebrew Song of Solomon, a beautiful and passionate love story, has been called one of the best sex manuals ever written.

Consider this perspective: Relating on a spiritual level centers around the most unique person of history, Jesus of Nazareth. Evidence backs up His claim to be God{14} and as God what He offers can affect everyone in a personal way, including the area of sex.

One first century follower of Jesus described the quality of love He offers: "Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...." {15} What man or woman would not want to love or be loved like that?

The power source

During His time on earth, Christ explained that everyone is born physically alive but spiritually dead. In order to properly relate on a spiritual level, He said, one must be spiritually reborn.{16} He later rose physically from the dead to make this new life possible. Jesus offers a life that has power. Power for living, power to love others less conditionally, power for self-control in one's sex life. Even after having experimented with premarital sex, one can find in God the strength to stop, to resist future temptation and to wait for one's life partner.

Jesus also offers forgiveness from every wrong--no matter what--that we've ever done because He died on the cross in our place, bearing the punishment we deserved. Anyone can be completely forgiven if he or she will come to Christ. God can cleanse a person's mind of all past guilt. He can restore the freedom of mutual love and trust in a relationship.

All you need to do to begin this spiritual journey is simply to believe that Christ died for you, ask for and accept the forgiveness He offers, and invite the living Christ into your life. It's saying in faith, "Jesus Christ, I need You. Thanks for dying for me. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior. Give me the fulfilling life You promised."

Christ's entry into your life will enable you to begin living with an added spiritual dimension and to have eternal life.{17} As you grow in your new relationship with Him, you'll find your attitudes and actions changing and becoming more fulfilling. Life certainly won't become perfect. There will still be struggles and discouragements, but you'll have a new Friend to help you through. The maturing Christian experiences the most challenging and rewarding life possible.

Two marriage partners having growing relationships with God will grow closer to each other: spirit to spirit, mind to mind, body to body. Their love, commitment and communication will become increasingly dynamic, and so will their sex.

If you prayed this prayer, we'd love to hear from you.