Using the Differences as Opportunities to Grow

Traditionally, when couples fight, have misunderstandings, discover a lack of things in common, or confront the challenge of incompatibility, their first instinct is to flee while rationalizing to themselves "this will never work, we're just too different." In The New Intimacy, Judith and Jim present a stark contrast to that perspective, illuminating that it's within the depths of those very differences where the most profound potential for real love lies, waiting to be awakened.

With commitment, courage, and the willingness to exchange stale, unconscious behavior patterns for fresh, healthy choices, you can learn how to transform the differences into catalysts for growth, instead of fodder for heartache. Based on the principles of The New Intimacy differences between partners can make lovers out of adversaries.

"Conscious Creativity" -- a nine step process to working through conflict rather than running away from it – is one of the techniques Judith and Jim advise practicing. Your goal is to co-create and discover a new way of being together, a resolution that satisfies both of you. Therefore, each of you need to speak your half of the problem and listen respectfully and with genuine curiosity to your partner's point of view.

1. Define the issue – truthfully express what is disturbing you in as much detail as possible.
2. Feel your feelings – experience and communicate your feelings as honestly and openly as you can in the moment you are feeling them.
3. Remember that you care – keep in mind that ongoing relationships are a mosaic made up of many facets, and there is more to your partner and your relationship than any one issue.
4. Beware of self-sabotage – stay aware of what's going on inside you during a rough spot in the relationship, don't allow old negative behavior patterns to swamp the present moment.
5. Change your mind – open yourself to the fact that any issue can be understood and interpreted in a variety of ways, otherwise you'll continue to stay in a rut and progressively dig the hole deeper with every conflict.
6. Take personal responsibility – ask yourself in what way or ways do you contribute to the situation that upsets you. Rarely if ever in an ongoing relationship does a difficulty arise that has not been contributed to by both partners.
7. Remember that your partner is not you – learn to internalize and understand that your partner is not you. Your resolutions will be respectful of your differences only when you both find ways to empathize with the other's point of view.
8. Be consciously creative – hold the other in your consciousness as you want to be held. Appreciate and value the other's experience in the ways that it is different from yours.
9. Seek both/ and solutions – as you seek a resolution, remember that you are two different people, and the resolution needs to reveal not an either/ or but a both/ and quality. Resolutions aren't about winning, they're about a process of respect and intimacy, growth and emergence.

Guard against the very dangerous belief that if you're having difficulty with your partner, that means your relationship is in trouble. More than likely it means your relationship needs a tune-up and an oil change. Only in romantic fantasy does everything go smoothly without attention, care and change.

~ Husband and wife psychology team, Judith & Jim, live in Windham, NY and can be heard M-F 4-5 PM and Saturdays 9-Noon on www.wisdomradio.com. They are the bestselling authors of The New Intimacy and Opening to Love 365 Days a Year. Visit their website at www.thenewintimacy.com. For their free weekly email newsletter, send email to thenewintimacy-on@mail-list.com.

Helping Your Husband Battle Pornography

If you've discovered that your husband is into pornography, well, you’re not alone. This battle with the pornographic monster is a growing problem across the entire societal grid. With the proliferation of sex sites on the Internet resulting in growing accessibility with total anonymity, the problem is only going to grow. Statistics tell us that 35% of all Internet usage is pornographic, and that as many as 50% of men have serious struggles in this area.

Of course, none of that makes it any easier for you to accept. You will naturally be devastated by the news of your husband’s involvement with pornography. There is a huge sense of betrayal and a breaking down of trust. Whether your spouse has been involved physically with another person, or emotionally and mentally through pornography, the violation feels the same. Your reaction could range from disbelief, to disgust, to anger. You wonder, “How could he do this to me?” You likely have no desire to be with him sexually, and you may want to leave him altogether.

First Steps

The first thing you need to work through is your immediate response. Your strong feelings are both understandable and justified. At the same time, you need to be very careful that your reaction to your husband does not create more problems than you are already facing. You have both a right and a need to express whatever you are feeling, but you need to do it in a way that will not complicate your recovery. Be honest about your hurts, share openly about your disappointment, but realize that lashing out with damning accusations and attacking, harsh words only makes things worse.

Your initial reaction will likely be impacted by the way in which you found out about the issue. It makes a difference whether your husband openly disclosed his struggle to you, or if you had to discover it and thus he got caught. Obviously there is more credibility indicated in a person who is willing to admit it before he is found out. On the other hand, sometimes God forces the discovery to push a person to deal with their porn problem. Regardless of how you found out, the problem has to be dealt with. As long as your spouse is willing to be totally honest about their battle now, you can work together to overcome it.

Sometimes wives say they’d rather not know if their husband has pornography issues. Yet the bottom line is you cannot be close as husband and wife if there is a cloak of secrecy around these personal struggles. True intimacy requires complete honesty. Although there is some real hurt that you are going to have to work through, you need to accept that resolving the issue is still the path to closeness. Many couples have successfully worked through pornographic addictions. It is possible to recover something precious between the two of you!

How Much Do You Need to Know?

You need to have complete freedom to ask your spouse the questions you need answered to be settled in your heart. If you are doing it to get more data to become vindictive and bitter, then don’t ask the questions. But if you desire to understand what he has faced, and you intend to forgive him and find peace in your own heart, feel free to ask the questions. Try to do this in a non-judgmental, non-punishing way. Your husband is likely already feeling plenty of guilt; what he needs now is to know that you are still on his side.

Your Needs, His Needs

As you face this battle together, you and your husband need to be aware of one another’s needs. You can help your husband by sharing openly with him what your needs are at this time.

Your biggest need is likely to rebuild the trust in your relationship. There are no shortcuts to this: it just takes time. Complete transparency is critical on his part, whether it’s about past indiscretions or subsequent failures. Likewise, you need to be totally open about your feelings. Since the emotional aspect is a woman’s highest priority, a reconnection towards friendship and intimacy is paramount. Rebuilding the relationship must happen before you can freely re-engage in the sexual dimension.

Furthermore, with the knowledge of your spouse, it would be wise to have an outside advocate to share your struggles with. This is a private issue that shouldn’t be shared with others, but to have a chosen friend, counselor or someone who has faced this with their husband is critical. They can help you work through your feelings and frustrations, validate your emotions, and coach you through the right course of action.

Lastly, you need a commitment from your husband to work through his battle with pornography and do all that it takes to get the help that he needs. He must get help beyond you; he must break the silence and be accountable, whether to a counselor or another Christian friend. They must ask him the tough questions as he faces his lust battle. It is unwise to have the wife be the accountability person. You have a relationship to build. Let someone else be the one that holds his feet to the fire.

Though you may not feel like meeting your husband’s needs at a time like this, the fact is he does need your help to conquer this addiction. Above all, he needs your unconditional love, as well as your forgiveness. He needs to know that the slate can be wiped clean, and that you won’t hold this against him for years to come. Nothing will strengthen him more to move to freedom than you believing in him and standing with him to fight the battle.

It would be very helpful to understand the complexity of pornography to the male’s psyche. Although some women struggle with sexual addictions (even in seemingly milder forms like romance novels and soap operas), it is predominantly a male issue. Listen to your husband and try hard to understand. Read at least one of these excellent resources: Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn, Pure Desire by Ted Roberts, and Men’s Secret Wars by Patrick A. Means.

Finally, while you are working with him to overcome his problem with pornography, realize that your husband will still have sexual needs. After an appropriate but limited period of time, you do need to be willing to re-engage in some sexual activity, as a sign of your love and commitment to him. This will help ensure that your husband isn’t further tempted to go back to pornography as a substitute for healthy marital sexual relationship.

Why the Void?

In some cases a man’s problem with pornography is born out of his own issues. Many men started when they were younger and just never tell their wives about it. Yet, in some cases, pornographic involvement is his response to other problems in the marriage. Honestly assess your relationship and determine whether it is healthy and whole. Are his sexual needs being met? Are your sexual encounters as a couple satisfying and frequent? A husband’s pornographic addiction cannot be blamed on the wife, because he still has to make choices himself. However, a husband is also made very vulnerable to temptations when there isn’t regular sexual intimacy in a healthy, secure relationship. So it may be that there is a void that he is looking to fill with pornography because of the struggles of your relationship. You may need to make some adjustments as a couple so that you have a healthy relational balance and good marital sex.

I would urge you to go for help as a couple to make sure that you’re headed in the right direction. This might be the best time for you and your husband to recommit your lives and marriage to the Lord. Conquering the lure of pornography is very difficult, and you will both need to have a surrendered life, asking God to help you through this. Being assured of forgiveness from both God and spouse is a wonderful source of stability for your relationship. I would suggest that you pray together about it and work out your relationship with a God-centred focus.

Many couples have succeeded in overcoming pornography and have found a healthy balance in their marriage again: a marriage that they love being part of. Instead of being the end of your relationship, let this be a doorway to a new level of intimacy that you never thought possible.



Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC, and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored, a television program airing on NOW TV. The Curries have counseled hundreds of couples through issues of sexual temptation.



Related Reading:
There is Hope for Your Marriage
Marriage tips and help
Sex - what it could be, and what should be

Communication - Let Marriage Regain the Spark

Misunderstanding leads to breakups

About one in two marriages ends in a divorce these days. We are all too familiar with the various problems that can lead to a breakup. Arguments can begin at sunrise and not stop until after sunset. This kind of fragile relationship is like a time bomb ready to explode at any time. Some couples may keep it all inside to avoid the confrontation, but that doesn't make the relationship any healthier. Either way, it is a no-win situation. The romance and dreams these couples once built together vanish into obscurity.

Arguments are part of every marriage

Couples often fail to compromise simply due to selfishness. Each side asks the other to change. Differences in opinion frequently lead to quarrels. These "minor issues" are just part of your marriage. More serious problems arise from heated discussions that turned into intense arguments. The fact is that no two people are alike. You may have different backgrounds, perspectives, personalities, and professions. You have to realize it is not easy to mix well together for a lifetime. You'll need plenty of love, faith and patience to start.
Yes, you'll still have your share of disagreements and arguments, but you need to handle them with wisdom.

This way, your marriage won't dry up and become routine. Communication is critical for a healthy marriage. Some people describe the ideal marriage as a two-way street. If you don't have any arguments, or one side is always directing the traffic, you are riding on a one-way street without any communication. That's not something to cheer about.

Establish a Healthy Communication Technique

Maybe people have different views about the true meaning of the word "argument". The husband and wife are two distinct bodies. Arguments are just part of life. What is important is how you handle those arguments. You'll need to communicate with some skill.
Men and women are different, so oftentimes they "talk" but fail to "communicate". That will just make matters worse. Couples need to find an effective method of communication. Communication is often the major player in holding a marriage together. Unfortunately, many couples lack this skill and desperately need to work on it.

Couples must learn to understand each other better and recognize and accept each others' point of view. When you love but don't fully appreciate each other you'll be destined to have a rocky journey ahead. When couples are willing to talk about everything and step into each other's shoes to look at problems, then that will be the starting point of an ideal marriage.

Communication is an Art

Experts believe communication can be divided into five levels:

1. Level of Acquaintance,
2. Sharing of Information
3. Sharing of Ideas
4. Sharing of Emotions
5. Gut Level Sharing

Wives often want a husband who can just sit down and listen, someone who can completely appreciate her emotions and views (Level 5). Husbands typically want to reason, maybe even give a lecture (Level 3). In this kind of situation, the wives may sometimes feel that they are talking to a wall. Eventually, the wives may stop sharing many of their feelings and thoughts. Thus, it becomes necessary for couples to learn how to communicate effectively.

In addition, couples need to love and accept each other, learn to listen, and listen with undivided attention. Be proactive, objective, and pay attention for any signs your lover may give. Learn how to talk and praise your lover frequently. Don't forget to use some humor at times. And most importantly, say everything to your lover with the love that comes straight from your heart.

Find out the cause of the confrontation and work it out
If you notice that confrontations are becoming more frequent, don't underestimate the severity of it. Try to focus and find out the root of the problem. Resolve the differences in a timely manner and apologize to each other. Don't delay. Whenever couples have confrontations, it is best to solve it as soon as possible.

Handling confrontations is an art like dance. Here are some steps you can take to master the dance of communication:
1. Never use the silent treatment.
2. Never use lies to cover up short comings.
3. Don't get in-laws or friends involved right away.
4. Don't be subjective in making any conclusions.
5. Never jump into conclusions, communicate and talk it over.
6. Discuss what actually happened, don't judge.
7. Find out all the facts rather than start guessing at the motives.
8. Learn to understand each other, not to defeat each other.
9. Use future and present tense talking, not past tense.
10. Concentrate on the major problem, don't divide attention by mixing in other minor problems.
11. First take care of the problems that hurt feelings in the relationship, then take care the problems arising from just differences in opinions.
12. Use "I feel" statements, don't use "you are" statements.

Marriage is a lifelong journey. I wish the best to all the married couples out there. Be willing to make sacrifices for each other and keep an intimate relationship going. Let marriage regain the spark that once lit up your romantic world.

Related Readings:

Follow the Golden Rules

There is Hope for Your Marriage

Protect Your Marriage

Editor's Pick: I didn't want to be a divorce statistic


~Serena Wang with MBA and MBS degree is the Director of China Internet Ministry, Chinese Women Today, Campus Crusade for Christ, Canada . She is a mother of three lovely children and had been serving as principal of Greater Phoenix Chinese Christian School for more than ten years . Please visitwww.fhl.net to read more of her articles about family issues.

The Gift of a Moment

"Lord, help her" I prayed as I walked into the dark bedroom. She sat with her feeble body slumped in the rocking chair. Her pale face tilted to one side. Mother's slightly parted, chalky lips dribbled saliva. Her body, once lithe and agile, was now frail and thin, even against the delicate detail of the chair. I wiped her face and she smiled. Slipping into the chair beside her, I snuggled close, inhaling the familiar scent of the skin I knew from infancy.

Coping with Alzheimer's

This physical closeness is all that remained of the mother and daughter relationship we once had. Soon after Mother's diagnosis with Alzheimer's disease, her ability to communicate ceased. Within two years, Dementia, a cruel thief, robbed her of the ability to learn, to imagine, and to reason. Sadly, it advanced rapidly and held her hostage-though without ransom. Our roles reversed and I became her caregiver. My breath caught in my throat as I watched her, and I held back the urge to cry. How I longed to tell her how I loved her and have her understand. It was just too late.

Like the metamorphosis of a butterfly in reverse, she lost her wings; her ability to fly, and the personal freedoms she fiercely guarded. Laughter use to resonate throughout the house, echoing her passion and delight in even the smallest things. Now, only weak cries interrupted the heartbreaking silence.

Her milk-white hands clasped a yellowed handkerchief once belonging to my father. She stared at her fingertips without blinking as they lightly traced the outline of a cursive E embroidered on its corner. Her tears seeped into the kerchief. She kissed it and drew it close. I laid my head on her chest and closed my eyes for a moment, trying to remember her as she once was.

Remembering my Mom

I am four years old and scrape a knee falling off my tricycle. I run into the house crying and call for my mother. She kneels beside me and looks at the tiny wound. She kisses the damaged spot then holds me close. I smell the familiar scent of lily of the valley on her skin.

Again, I remembered:

It's my wedding day. We are sitting on the bed in my room as she hands me something wrapped with a freshly starched handkerchief. Inside - a string of pearls she wore on her own wedding day. I place them at my throat and lift my hair as she fastens the complicated clasp. She cups my face with her hands and gently whispers, "Guard your memories and hold them close to your heart, never let them go". We are crying.

Saying goodbye

A stream of sunshine filled the room, bringing me back to the present, or was it? I felt the warmth of her palms under my chin. Startled, I realized that her eyes, just masked with a veil of tears, were alert and sparkling, brimming with mischief. This was real! We were together in our memories, and now sharing the moment. Our eyes met and we laughed, delighting in each other's company.

"I love you, Mum", I said. She squeezed my hand and smiled, and then her grip loosened. Her snowy head lifted slightly as her lips formed words without sound. Cradling her in my arms, I hummed her favorite hymn, and as I did, I thought I heard an infant cry. A tear slipped and I brushed it away as I prayed, "Lord, thank You for giving us one last chance to share our love." God's gift of a final moment would last a lifetime.

Spend eternity with your loved ones. Have you ever wondered where you will be when your life and the lives of the ones you love are complete? You can know that you will spend eternity in heaven.

You matter to God. He loves you so much that He gave His only Son for you. You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.

If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, pray it right now and Christ will come into your life as He promised.

There is Hope for Your Marriage: Using the Differences as Opportunities to Grow

Traditionally, when couples fight, have misunderstandings, discover a lack of things in common, or confront the challenge of incompatibility, their first instinct is to flee while rationalizing to themselves "this will never work, we're just too different." In The New Intimacy, Judith and Jim present a stark contrast to that perspective, illuminating that it's within the depths of those very differences where the most profound potential for real love lies, waiting to be awakened.

With commitment, courage, and the willingness to exchange stale, unconscious behavior patterns for fresh, healthy choices, you can learn how to transform the differences into catalysts for growth, instead of fodder for heartache. Based on the principles of The New Intimacy differences between partners can make lovers out of adversaries.

"Conscious Creativity" -- a nine step process to working through conflict rather than running away from it – is one of the techniques Judith and Jim advise practicing. Your goal is to co-create and discover a new way of being together, a resolution that satisfies both of you. Therefore, each of you need to speak your half of the problem and listen respectfully and with genuine curiosity to your partner's point of view.

1. Define the issue – truthfully express what is disturbing you in as much detail as possible.
2. Feel your feelings – experience and communicate your feelings as honestly and openly as you can in the moment you are feeling them.
3. Remember that you care – keep in mind that ongoing relationships are a mosaic made up of many facets, and there is more to your partner and your relationship than any one issue.
4. Beware of self-sabotage – stay aware of what's going on inside you during a rough spot in the relationship, don't allow old negative behavior patterns to swamp the present moment.
5. Change your mind – open yourself to the fact that any issue can be understood and interpreted in a variety of ways, otherwise you'll continue to stay in a rut and progressively dig the hole deeper with every conflict.
6. Take personal responsibility – ask yourself in what way or ways do you contribute to the situation that upsets you. Rarely if ever in an ongoing relationship does a difficulty arise that has not been contributed to by both partners.
7. Remember that your partner is not you – learn to internalize and understand that your partner is not you. Your resolutions will be respectful of your differences only when you both find ways to empathize with the other's point of view.
8. Be consciously creative – hold the other in your consciousness as you want to be held. Appreciate and value the other's experience in the ways that it is different from yours.
9. Seek both/ and solutions – as you seek a resolution, remember that you are two different people, and the resolution needs to reveal not an either/ or but a both/ and quality. Resolutions aren't about winning, they're about a process of respect and intimacy, growth and emergence.

Guard against the very dangerous belief that if you're having difficulty with your partner, that means your relationship is in trouble. More than likely it means your relationship needs a tune-up and an oil change. Only in romantic fantasy does everything go smoothly without attention, care and change.

~ Husband and wife psychology team, Judith & Jim, live in Windham, NY and can be heard M-F 4-5 PM and Saturdays 9-Noon on www.wisdomradio.com. They are the bestselling authors of The New Intimacy and Opening to Love 365 Days a Year. Visit their website at www.thenewintimacy.com. For their free weekly email newsletter, send email to thenewintimacy-on@mail-list.com.


Further Reading:

Why Can't We Communicate?

Mutually Devoted

Surviving Your Roommate (And Surviving Yourself in the Process)

Learning to live with a stranger teaches you how to live with yourself and prepares you to live with your spouse.

It's September again, and for some of you college or university is waiting. It beckons to you with new experiences! new classes! new friends! – new roommate?! Of all the adjustments going away to school brings, learning to live with another person is easily the most challenging. As is often the case, the hardest lesson to learn is the one most worth learning. Living with a roommate whether they are a complete stranger or your best friend from back home is an incredible opportunity to learn. Approach the situation as such and you will be amazed how much easier it becomes. To get the most out of your living situation go into it prepared to:

Learn About Yourself

No one will hold a mirror up to your character quite like a roommate. Because they live with you 24/7 a roommate will see you at your best and at your worst. You may be stronger than you know, you may have a tendency toward selfishness. A roommate will point these things out to you – and this is a good thing. There are things you do that you have never noticed, unconscious acts that have become part of who you are. Take this opportunity to really look at yourself. Celebrate the strengths, take action against the weaknesses. Socrates urged his students to know themselves. It is still good advice. The way you treat your roommate says a lot about the way you treat people in general. Now is a great time to pay attention to that.

Learn How To Share Your Space With Another Person

Chances are most students are planning to get married some day. Enter marriage stubborn and unwilling to compromise and it's going to be a rocky road. Living with a roommate is a great step toward a successful marriage because it teaches you how to live with another person. As I quickly learned my freshman year, you can't just walk into your room at one in the morning, turn on the light and start getting ready for bed. Your sleeping roommate with the 8 o'clock biology lab is not going to appreciate it. It's a mental shift to start thinking about someone else before you act. Modifying our own behavior for the benefit of someone else is not our tendency, but it is a valuable exercise. Going away to school is all about expanding your world. It starts by learning to think beyond yourself.

Learn How To Run A House

If you and your new roommate have an apartment (or even just your own bathroom) you are also going to need to learn what it takes to run a house. Sit down with your roommate and decide who will do what. Do this at the beginning of the semester – do it by the end of the first week, sooner if you can. If neither of you really feels like scrubbing out the bathtub it's going to be really disgusting by April. There is a life lesson here: if one of you doesn't do it, it simply does not get done. Like the signs that hang in cafeterias everywhere "Your Mother doesn't work here. Clean up after yourself." Work out a schedule and force yourselves to stick to it. Trust me there are always going to be other things that need to be done -- books to be read, papers to write. If you don't want to live like pigs you have to make time for it eventually (and it is much easier if the time is sooner rather than later). Welcome to responsibility, you're going to be here for a while. Do we need to talk about the phone bill?

Learn How To Ask For Help and How to Give It

There are going to be times when you really cannot do everything by yourself. Before you burn out or drop out, learn to ask for help. All campuses have some sort of support system in place. Learn where it is and how to use it at the beginning of the semester, before you need it. We live in an age when self-sufficiency is at a premium, and asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness – it's not. Don't be afraid to seek help and refuse to feel guilty for asking.

Learn to ask your roommate for help when you really need it. Letting someone help you is a way to let them get to know you. This is another skill your future spouse will appreciate. He or she is going to feel shut out and even unwanted if you refuse to let them help you. A friend of mine used to despair that "I knew him too well." Being known isn't a bad thing. We tend to shy away from it because it feels like we're giving up control, but you will never be able to fully embrace another person until you learn to let go of yourself a little. The flip-side also applies: when your roommate turns to you for help, be the person that is willing to go out of their way. The paper can wait a few minutes. Never under-estimate the power of tiny gestures and make time for people. It is always a worthy investment, I can promise you that.

Learn How to Be Flexible

In the end it all comes down to flexibility. Figure out what matters and leave the rest alone. If there are things you don't want your roommate to use tell them at the very beginning of the year. It will save both of you a lot heartache and arguments later. If your roommate does something that makes you mad, telling them (please note I did not say "yelling" at them) gives them the opportunity to apologize. Chances are they would never do something intentionally harmful. How will they know what they've done if you don't tell them? There are going to be things that you and your roommate disagree on, sometimes you just have to learn to live with it. Before you decide that your roommate is impossible and go storming off to the housing office to request a transfer (and I should mention, don't waste your time, most housing offices won't even consider roommate transfer in the first month of a school year, especially not for freshmen) ask yourself if you are listening to your roommate. You can't communicate anything to anyone without listening. If you're not listening you're not communicating, you're just talking. Those are two very different things. It does get easier with time.

The way you interact with your roommate will do more to affect your school experience than all the classes, all-nighters and bad coffee combined. Some of my former roommates are among my best friends, and some aren't, but I learned things about life, and about myself from each and every one of them. A good friend of mine dropped out of school for a year because of his roommate, and another is still alive because of one of hers. Think about the effect you will have or are having on the people who share your "itty-bitty living space." People are different. You cannot change your roommate but you can change yourself and you just might learn something interesting in the process.

-Claire Colvin is the Editor of Women Today Magazine. While studying for her BA in English at Trinity Western University she lived with nine roommates in rooms ranging from small to tiny and one beloved apartment slightly larger than a postage stamp. This article is for all those who ate the cookies and shared the couch. I still have that couch.

Singleness

Believe me, I know about being single. At first, my friends and I would moan the dilemmas of being single, all the while thinking that it would only be for a while. Then as I've gotten older, single women have approached me and asked in disbelief, "How could you have survived being single all these years?"

It's hard to tell when a person officially becomes single but whatever the age, singles share some common characteristics:

Singles are independent. No one else will take out the garbage or change the light bulbs. In order to get things done, singles must do it themselves.

Singles are free. They can go to the movies when they want, buy the outfit they want, clean house whenever. They have "free" time that married people wish they had. They have dollars they can spend on themselves.

Singles are lonely. They don't have anyone in whose life they are number one. They don't have anyone to buy them flowers, take them to dinner or share their intimate thoughts and dreams.

Singles are often uncommitted. If something doesn't benefit them, they won't do it.

Singles want to belong, to fit in somewhere. They want to know they are making a valuable contribution to society.

Singles also have a lot of challenges:

The most common challenge singles face is the comments: "You're how old?" "Why aren't you married?" "What's a nice girl like you doing single?"

Family members often poke, "Well I guess I'll never get a son-in-law." "Boy, isn't it about time you gave me a brother-in-law?" "All your cousins are married and having children. When is it your turn?"

What do you say? A classic line is "I haven't found the man who could make me as happy as I deserve to be."

Another dilemma singles face is, "Where do I fit into society?" Just about anywhere, these days. John Naisbitt in his best selling book Megatrends states: "The basic building block of society is now the individual, rather than the family."

Being single is challenging. Single women often feel like the lone sock lying in the dryer – left there until its mate is found. They're in a holding pattern, left lying somewhere until they get a mate. They feel there must be something wrong with them – that God has abandoned them or forgotten them.

In all of my reading and studying of the Bible, I have come to the conclusion that singles are whole people in God's eyes. They have each been given unique talents and skills, that can and should be employed. They each have a purpose, whether they remain single or get married.

Being single is just a state of being, not a sentence. Singles are not one sock waiting for another sock before they become useful. Rather than waiting to become the spouse they would like to be, they need to find their fulfilment in becoming the individual God intended them to be.

Live each day to its fullest!

~ Shirley Loewen works for a non-profit organization in project development and is an executive assistant. She loves to dabble in music, reading, jogging, biking, gardening, crafts and fishing. In December of 1992, she married Ken Loewen and acquired two steps-sons, Jason and Ryan, and one step-daughter, Jana.

Be Good to Your Marriage

Do you want to be good to your marriage? Now, not later when the kids grow up, is the best time to be good to your marriage. Your marriage can actually influence your children in a very positive way -- especially when you're good to it!

Children who grow up in happy, intact, functional families with parents who love each other unconsciously learn the roles they will later need in marriage and parenthood. So as you build your marriage, you're mentoring your own children. Here are 10 ways to be good to your marriage:

1. Call your spouse just to say "I love you!"
2. Scratch your partner's back.
3. Get up with the baby, and let your spouse sleep.
4. Let voice mail collect your calls or turn the phone ringer off so you can concentrate on each other.
5. Light a scented candle.
6. Eat a bowl of ice cream together after the kids are in bed.
7. Turn off the TV.
8. Put on your mate's favourite music.
9. Write a letter and tell your mate why you'd marry him or her all over again!
10. Get out your wedding pictures, look at them together, and rejoice that you married each other!

~ David and Claudia Arp, MSW, founders of Marriage Alive Seminars, are marriage educators, columnists and authors of numerous books and small group video curriculum including The Second Half of Marriage and 10 Great Dates (Zondervan) Website: www.marriagealive.com

Family Life website--http://www.familylifecanada.com/

Do You Trust Him

It's easy to fall in love with a man you don't trust, but it's hard to live with him.

Real, lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is foundational because it creates a safe environment for intimacy to grow. If your relationship is going to work you need to be able to trust your partner with your past, your present and your future. Trust takes time and effort, is easily broken and hard to restore but if you're willing to work at it, the reward is the relationship you've always dreamed of.

Revealing Your True Self

Trust allows you to reveal who you really are. In spite of all the tricks we use to try and impress someone during the early stages of dating, intimacy is founded on knowing and being known. Your partner has to get to know the real you – what you're like when you're tired, angry, frustrated, elated or talking to your Mom on the phone. He has to love you as you are, not as he hopes you might be. Anything less won't last.

Have you seen or read Bridget Jones's Diary? There's one scene where Mark Darcy tells Bridget "I like you, just as you are." She is floored. Why such a strong reaction to a simple comment? Because Mark is telling her that he really sees her and he likes what he sees. He didn't say he'd like her ten pounds lighter, or a little more sophisticated, or prettier, or better read. He likes her as she is, unconditionally. She doesn't have to try and impress him, he's already impressed. Knowing that you are loved for who you are lets you relax and let your guard down. It lets you be honest without fear of rejection, and frankly, it feels great.

Honest Communication

Trust opens the door to honest communication. You can't communicate honestly if you're always second-guessing how your partner will react and rephrasing your thoughts to fit in with his agenda. Communication takes concentration. In her article, "Why Can't We Communicate?" Geri Forsberg , Ph.D., outlines the five steps to effective communication:

1. Ask questions. Don't assume you understand what a person means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn't take long to really find out what he really means.
2. Listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to listen so you can understand the other person's perspective.
3. Observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.
4. Let people know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding who you are and how you are understanding them.
5. Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If your motives are wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then communication will be easier. But if you set out to convince them that your way is the right way, then that's not communication. And that's not love. (For more insights on communication, read the rest of Geri's article)

Fair Fights

Once you've cleared up your communication, trusting your partner will help you to fight fair when disagreements occur. Face it, if you're involved with a living, breathing human being you are going to fight. Whether the fights tear you apart or actually resolve conflicts and bring you closer together depends on whether or not you fight fair.

What is a fair fight? Most experts agree that fair fighting does the following:

1. Stays on topic. Now is not the time to bring out a list of past wrongs. Deal with the issue at hand.
2. Refuses to resort to name calling and insults. Remember that the point of the argument is solve something, not tear the other person to bits or badger them so they'll quit and you'll win. If you don't respect your partner, or if they feel attacked, they'll stop listening.
3. Avoids generalizations and sticks to the facts. "You always" or " you never" statements do not reflect reality and will only put your partner on the defensive. Stick to what actually happened and how it made you feel.

Building Trust

Trust doesn't just naturally happen between two people, even if they love each other. It takes work and if you've been hurt in the past, it can be especially difficult. Building trust takes time, you need to show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you trust them in return. If your partner has trouble trusting, you can do a lot to create an environment where trust can grow. Listen to your partner, respect him and his opinions, and accept him as he is. Reveal parts of your own history, show him that you trust him and you will help him to do the same. If you are vulnerable it helps your partner to feel that he is safe to be vulnerable as well.

Don't rush it. If you truly love your partner and want what's best for him, you'll wait. If you're in a relationship with someone you feel you can't trust, don't ignore it. If you have trouble trusting anyone, you might want to seek counseling before you run away from what could be a great relationship. Your past does affect your ability to trust. However, if trust hasn't been a problem for you in the past and your gut is telling you to protect yourself from this guy, take it as a warning. Take a close look at who he is, how he treats others and how he treats you. Your gut may be giving you good information.

Claire Colvin is the Editor of Women Today Magazine. She has a B. A. in English from Trinity Western University and thinks people should go barefoot more often. You can reach her by email at editor@womentodaymagazine.com.

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Love's Golden Rules

Romance Novel Love

Marriage will either drive you crazy, or to Christ. Anonymous

Like most women, I'm a sucker for romance.

I love Valentine's Day, flowers, jewelry, and dinners on the town. I like to read novels by Francine Rivers and Jan Karon, and I even sneak a peek at the final episodes of dating shows like "The Bachelor," hoping unrealistically that someone might just find lasting love with a camera stuck in their face.

In fact, when I was eleven years old, I voraciously read every book in a series of teen romances. And as a budding author, I naively thought, "I could write one of these!"

I ended up writing two. The title of my titillating novels? Magical Daydreams and Someday, Somewhere (gag!). I had no luck getting them published--not enough life experience with the subject matter, I suppose.

But I still held out hope that I would have my own romance someday, and I prayed for a Prince Charming. Imagine my surprise when that answered prayer and I had our first fight in the car, driving away from our dream wedding! He wanted to stop and clean the car of its "Just Married" debris--from top to bottom. I was ready to hose it down quickly and get to our destination, which was still an hour's drive away. Our second fight, which took place a week later in our newlywed apartment, was about how to organize the refrigerator. Can you say "obsessive-compulsive?"

Come to think of it, most of our fusses have been about preferences over cleanliness and order—which I'm thankful for. We share similar values, backgrounds, and passions, so we don't fight a lot. And he's, quite simply, a wonderful husband.

But my idea of "wedded bliss" was not being in tears on the way to our Honeymoon Suite.

Maybe you've had a similar wake-up call. Marriage tends to give us those, doesn't it? No matter how much our husband loves us—or we love him--he's never going to be "enough" to satisfy our little-girl longings for a knight in shining armor.

That's why I love two books God placed in my path over the last few years: The Sacred Romance by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis and The Allure of Hope by Jan Meyers. Instead of giving "quick-fix" answers to a woman's heartaches and questions ("Is this all there is?" and "Why do I want more all the time?"), they maintain that our longing for beauty and perfection isn't wrong—just misplaced.

Meyers writes, "Living with childlike faith brings the subtle ache that does not go away. The groaning comes from unlimited vision of what could be . . . [and] hope is something that rises up inside of us with a gentle strength that requires a response. We either respond to it with our hearts or we try to push it down."


In other words, we can shut down our longings (which might be more comfortable in the beginning), or we can go to God with them, and let Him show us what we're truly wanting.

You know what I've found? He is the only perfect Bridegroom, and—amazing as this is—He calls me his "Beloved." "He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love." (Song of Solomon 2:4)

How's that for romantic?

Are you looking for love and acceptance today? There is someone who loves you so much that He gave His most prized possession for you. The Bible tells us that God has loved us “with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3). God doesn’t love us because we love Him, He loved us first. If you would like to know this kind of love today, you can.

Living with hope

No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.

"He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love." Song of Solomon 2:4, NIV


Are truth and love in the stars?
Gorging on chocolate love

~Dena Dyer is a professional author with credits in hundreds of magazines and several anthologies. She is also a speaker and author, and has two precious boys and a wonderful husband. The Dyers live in Texas . Dana's book Grace for the Race: Meditations for Busy Moms is available on her site www.denadyer.com

Experience Pure Love and Forgiveness

We can spend most of our lives on trivial issues. But Jesus Christ reminds us what really matters and what we really need. Our greatest felt needs are to be loved, forgiven, whole and alive. Do you feel compelled to somehow respond to Jesus’ death on the cross? Do you feel compelled to enter deeper into the experience of Christ’s forgiveness?

That feeling is no accident. It is a divine appointment.

Love. It's what we all want. To be loved is the most amazing thing that can happen to you.

But not just love - unconditional love, pure love. Do you wonder if anyone can love you as you truly are? Why is pure love so hard to find? Maybe it's because we keep looking in all the wrong places.

Maybe you have looked for love in your family. You have tried your whole life to please them and make them happy. But it was never enough.

Maybe you have looked for love in a physical relationship. You tell yourself, "If I share my body, I will feel loved." But you never do.

Maybe you have looked for love in popularity. "If everyone knows me, then I will feel loved and accepted." But that's a game you can't always win, and when you do, you are still lonely.

Where can you go to feel completely accepted? Where can you look to find unconditional love?

There is only one place where love never disappoints. The picture of pure love is found in God. God is love. But how can you know God loves you? How can you see it?

Through Jesus Christ, we see love at its purest. Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). The picture of pure, passionate love is caught in the frame of Jesus loving you while hanging on the cross.

God made His love visible in Christ. And Jesus showed that love is measured not merely by feelings, but by sacrifice.

How can you know pure love? Imagine asking Jesus, "How much do you love me?" He would stretch out His arms, with His nail-pierced hands, and say, "This much."

You can experience His pure love.



Experience Complete Forgiveness

Guilt. Do you live with guilt? Have you done something you feel ashamed of? Do you have a secret that is eating at your soul? Guilt is a horrible thing to live with. How do you stop living with guilt? Why is guilt so hard to get rid of?

Maybe you have tried burying your guilt in denial. You can't live with it, so you deny it. But it keeps coming back - it won't go away.

Maybe you have tried covering your guilt under a pile of good deeds. You can't live with it, so you try to make up for it. But it is never enough.

You can't deny it or make up for it. So how do you get free from your guilt? Can anyone help?

It just may be that you feel guilt because you are guilty. But you can get rid of your guilt by experiencing the complete forgiveness of your guiltiness . God wants to forgive you. No one is too bad that God can't forgive them. And no one is too good that they don't need forgiveness.

Jesus gives complete forgiveness. Even while He was being beaten and crucified, Jesus said, " Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34). Did you ever wonder why Jesus had to be beaten so badly? Why did He have to suffer so much?

Your sin and guiltiness had to be punished and paid for. That's how serious God is about your guilt. Jesus was brutally beaten and killed because that is what it took for us to be forgiven of our sins. It was an enormous cost that He was willing to pay for you.

Ask to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift that Jesus freely extends to you - but you must accept it for it to be yours.

You can experience complete forgiveness.

Broken. Have you experienced a broken promise, a broken dream, a broken relationship, or a broken heart? Does your life seem broken?

Do you feel like Humpty - Dumpty? Why can't you put the pieces of your life back together again?

Maybe you have learned not to trust anyone. You have been let down or betrayed by broken promises, so you're skeptical of everyone. But now you are doing life injured and alone.

Maybe you have stopped dreaming. You think, "I can't believe this is my life." The excitement you had for the future is gone.

Maybe you have promised yourself to never let anyone get close enough to hurt you. You keep people far away from your heart so you won't feel pain. But now you have also lost love.

How can you be put back together? Where can you turn to experience ultimate wholeness?

Jesus came to do more than forgive you of your sin. He also came to make you whole. Jesus' forgiveness shows that He loves you as you are. Jesus' healing shows He loves you too much to leave you as you are. He wants to make you whole.

You might know people who are completely devoted to Jesus. They love Jesus not just because He forgave them. They love and follow Jesus because He took the broken pieces of their lives and gave them the peace of His life. Jesus said, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)

Jesus came to be the forgiver of your soul and the leader of your life. He can put your life back together. He can help you trust, dream, and love again without fear. He will take your hole-hearted life and turn it into wholehearted passion.

You can experience ultimate wholeness.

Experience Everlasing Life

Goodbye. The word can get stuck in your throat. Have you had to say goodbye to someone you love? Have you buried someone who was near to your heart? Was someone missing at Christmas? Goodbye. There is nothing good about it.

When people die, how do you cope with the final goodbyes?

Maybe you cope by crossing your fingers and hoping. But do you really have any confidence that you will see them and know them in the next life?

Maybe you cope by believing in reincarnation. But what hope does it bring, knowing reincarnation may not bring reunion, and they will only die again?

Maybe you cope by giving up hope. You believe that this life is the end, and eventually you will have to say goodbye forever to everyone you love.

Could there be a better way? Is there a more reliable cross than crossed fingers? Is there a resurrected life instead of just a reincarnated one?

Is there reason to hope and not just cope?

The life Jesus doesn’t end with him in the grave. Instead He is resurrected - glorious and flawless - never to die again. Jesus can do that for us too.

Years after Jesus was raised from the dead, His friend John saw Him. John wrote : "When I saw Him, I fell at His feet as though dead. Then He placed His right hand on me and said; 'Do not be afraid. I am the First and Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive forever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades' " (Revelation 1:17-18).

Confident hope for eternal life is only found in the One who died and came back from the dead-Jesus. Now He holds the keys of death and can raise you-and those you love-from the dead too! Because of Jesus, our "goodbyes" can be changed to "See you again!"

You can experience everlasting life.

Jesus is knocking at your heart's door. He is extending an invitation to you to open your heart and let Him come in. You can open your heart and experience Pure Love, Complete Forgiveness, Absolute Wholeness, and Everlasting Life.

Pray. "God, thank you for what You have done for me. I believe You sent Jesus to die for my sins instead of me. I believe Jesus rose again to give me everlasting life. Please forgive me for the wrong things I have done. Please give me a new and clean heart. I invite you into my life. Teach me to do everything You want me to do and to follow You all the days of my life. I pray this believing in what Jesus did for me. Amen."

If you have a question first, click here.

Caring For a Terminally Ill Loved One: My husband’s journey through cancer

Caring for a terminally ill loved one is overwhelming. To constantly bear witness to the ravages of the disease knowing you are powerless to stop it is a huge burden. We want and need to do something to help them but don’t know where to start. We refuse to believe that there is nothing that can save them and search for miracles only to find that there are none.

In time we come to accept that they are dying and begin grieving for the loss of them in our lives. Our grief is compounded by our sense of helplessness. There are so many frightening and unanswered questions. What is going to happen? When will it happen? Will there be much pain? Living in expectation of a loved one’s death is like sitting on a time bomb, knowing it is going to go off and being powerless to stop it.

The two year journey of my husband Brian’s diagnosis with terminal cancer has taught me many things, above all, the true meaning of love, and the strength of the human spirit. As I witnessed his incredible courage, it brought forth in me a fierce determination to ease his journey. Ours is a story of love and devotion, testament to the vows Brian and I pledged to each other on our wedding day, May 17th,1969. “In sickness and in health, until death us do part.” We meant every word.

I could not stop my husband from dying, but I could help him live.

My acceptance of my husband’s impending death came with a fierce determination to help him achieve quality of life for the remainder of his days. I knew that I needed to understand more about his disease in order to help him, so I sought knowledge. I asked questions about his disease, and studied the pain and symptoms he would experience as it progressed and ways by which to manage them. I learned a lot and through this I came to realize, that although I could not stop my husband from dying - I could help him to live.

My knowledge allowed me to be one step ahead of the disease progression and gave me the opportunity to have medication -- and later, physical aids such as oxygen, wheelchair etc – on hand before Brian needed them. This alleviated much fear, pain and discomfort. My knowledge regarding pain management and symptom control, enabled me to take an active role in his care, working hand in hand with his doctors to obtain for him a quality of life few thought possible considering the nature of his disease.
Get the help you need to manage the pain

Whilst the majority of cancer patients do experience chronic pain, only a small percentage of them have adequate pain relief. This is often due to the common belief that large doses of medication, such as morphine and methadone (used for pain control in lung cancer sufferers), will sedate them and prevent them from functioning normally. Sadly many people suffer unnecessarily due to this misconception.

The object of pain management is to always be in front of the pain. Good communication with your loved one is imperative; so too is their honesty in relating to you, the nature and intensity of their pain. Encourage them not to brave it out by letting it reach debilitating levels before asking for relief. This results in a situation where they are chasing the pain instead of being in front of it. Untreated chronic and debilitating pain kills. It kills the will to live.

Despite his illness, there were times when Brian felt well and these were spent in the pursuit of his hobby, his passion, his true enjoyment in life -- fishing. I always had a supply of his medicine on hand so that I could keep him out of pain no matter how long we spent on the water. I constantly marvelled at his ability to keep pulling in fish despite his lack of strength. I believe his love of fishing transcended any pain, weakness or discomfort he experienced. For him, at these times, there was no thought of sickness and death. For me, watching him, loving him, the thought of death was always on my mind.
Deciding about Chemotherapy

In time, Brian’s condition worsened until he could not even drink water. Dilatations were no longer an option and he was offered palliative chemotherapy to shrink the tumour. It was the only hope of prolonging his life.

Like many before him, Brian had vowed that he would not undergo chemotherapy. Having heard stories of chronic fatigue, nausea, and hair loss he was fearful of the treatment. But there is a lot of truth in the adage, “You never know, until it happens to you”. For Brian, where there was life, there was hope, and any means of prolonging that hope he grasped with both hands.

Palliative Care (Symptom Control)

Despite a terminal diagnosis, there is still life, and survival may range from months to several years. Many people believe that Palliative Care is intended only for the end of life, and do not seek their help until the final stages of terminal illness. Due to this unfortunate belief the quality of life that could have been achieved through their services is not realized.

The Palliative Care Team, consisting of pain management specialists, nurses, doctors, chaplains and volunteers, work together, to provide the best possible pain and symptom control for the patient, whilst at the same time offering physical and emotional support to their families. I believe the services of these wonderful people should be embraced from the time of terminal diagnosis. Had Brian been in their care sooner, much of his suffering, and mine, would have been alleviated.

Our Journey's End

We have spoken of death. I asked Brian if he was frightened and he said, “No it will be nice to sleep”. We spoke of his parents and the hope that they would be waiting for him. When he asked me about his funeral, I told him of my plans for a seaside memorial. He was pleased with my decision. I have remained strong and I believe I am helping Brian to die well, just as I have helped him to live for these past two years. It comforts me that he is not afraid of dying. He knows that his long courageous battle is almost over; he has accepted it and is at peace.

Brian and I travelled many miles on our last journey together, miles of emotions, spirits, courage and strength. I thanked God for granting me the courage and the strength to walk beside him to his life’s end and for the peace I found in the knowledge that I definitely made a difference.

For more information about cancer please visit the Canadian Cancer Society or the American Cancer Society for a list of resources in your area.

~ Lorraine Kember is the author of Lean on Me: Cancer through a Carer’s Eyes. Lorraine’s book is written from her experience of caring for her dying husband in the hope of helping others. It includes insight and discussion on: Anticipatory Grief, Understanding and identifying pain, Pain Management and Symptom Control, Chemotherapy, Palliative Care, Quality of Life and Dying at home. It also features excerpts and poems from her personal diary. Highly recommended by the Cancer Council. Lean on Me is not available in bookstores - For detailed information, Doctor’s recommendations, Reviews, Book Excerpts and Ordering Facility - visit her website www.cancerthroughacarerseyes.jkwh.com

10 Ways to help your community in 30 minutes or less

From waking up early to put in a first load of laundry to working all day and driving the mom taxi all afternoon, most women have little time to think about volunteering for community projects. But busy schedules do not mean we have to write off community involvement completely. In thirty minutes or less, anyone can make a difference in the community.

Check out the following ideas for ways to help your community in the midst of your everyday activities.

1. Take a garbage bag while walking through the neighborhood. Pick up any litter along the way. As a by-product, you can get some exercise built into your day.
2. Shop with locally owned businesses, saving time and money. Many locally owned businesses offer services like free gift-wrapping and delivery. And a percentage of your sales taxes go directly to the local community.
3. Find positive aspects of your community share with other people. A positive image encourages residents to shop locally, increases the chance new businesses will open in the area and promotes growth.
4. Attend a local festival or other event. Many have free admission and activities. Most festivals are actually fundraisers for non-profit organizations who make their money through sponsorships. Since sponsors look at attendance numbers to decide how much to give, your family can add to the number and help increase what businesses give next year.
5. Write a letter to local elected officials encouraging them for making good decisions for the community. People work harder when they know they are appreciated. And elected officials seldom hear enough encouraging words.
6. Put a potted plant on your front porch. When your home looks spruced up, it makes the whole neighborhood and the community to look better as well.
7. Take left over dinner to an elderly neighbor. If you have a family of four, cook enough dinner for five one night and deliver a plate to the widow next door. Your delivery helps you to get to know your neighbors better. And police promote knowing your neighbors as the best way to fight neighborhood crime.
8. Look for opportunities to give in your community. Many schools collect items, such as like canned foods, old coats, toys and eyeglasses, for less fortunate families.
9. Vote. While the Presidential election comes around only once every four years, elections happen every year. Check out the candidates for local and state elections.
10. Encourage your employer to sponsor local events, join a civic organization or allow employees to volunteer during work hours. Many businesses have volunteer programs to reward employees for volunteering. Local news media often cover large volunteer events and having employee representation gives businesses extra publicity.

By doing our part to contribute to the community, we add people to our circle of influence and gain opportunities to build relationships with our neighbours. We also demonstrate what it means to be a good citizen to our children.

~ Hilary Hamblin is a freelance writer from Baldwyn, Mississippi where she lives with her husband and works as Executive Director of the Baldwyn Area Chamber of Commerce/Main Street Association.

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