What to do when your teenager will not accept your advice.

have recently been working with a lot of parent clients who appear to have a theme going on with their teenagers and that theme is letting go, so I thought I would write a bit about that.

These clients are successful women who absolutely want the best for their children, as long as it fits in with their idea of what is best. When it comes to their child making a decision which is not what they expected, they find it very difficult to let their child be with this decision. In some instances they use very underhand strategies to have their child not make this decision. A lot of the time they e-mail me, telling me what they are about to do, asking if it is the right thing to do. I always say that it depends upon the intention behind it. If the intention is to have them change their minds, then no; if the intention is to just give them information, then yes. Needleless to say, they realise very quickly that their intentions are not of the highest.

You see, parenting or being a leader to your child is all about your view, your intentions, your speech and your actions. When all of these are in line, authentic and for the higher good of yourself and your child, then you have hit gold. However to do this, the biggest thing you have do first is let go of your way being the right way. There are many ways to achieve the same result and just because you did it this way does not mean they have to.

So how do you let go? What do you do if your child will not listen to your advice?

Here are some tips for you out of my book

1. They are not you!

Check in with yourself, makes sure that you are not trying to live the life you did not have through your teenager. Your teenager is not you, they are their own person and that is how you need to treat them. You are not raising a teenager to lead the life you want them to or do the job/profession that you think is acceptable. You are raising a unique individual. Let them be that. Make a list now of all the things you want for your teenager, the job you would want them to have, the life you would want them to lead and then throw it away. Ask yourself a better question. "How do I want my child to feel while they are living their life?" You will realise that really, you just want them to be happy and who knows how to make them happier than themselves!

2. Get over the story!

Get over the story you are telling yourselves because they do not listen to your advice. Yes, you will be telling yourself one. Every tiny mistake your teenager makes, you will be assuming the worst. Confront this story head on, that way it has no power over you and you begin to make decisions based on the truth as it is now, rather than a number of made up situations in your head. When you feel yourself panicking and thinking of the worse possible outcomes, get a pen and paper and write down the story you are telling yourself. Read it again and again until you realise how ridiculous it is, then throw it away.

3. Manage yourself first

Bringing up a child, remember, is all about managing yourself first. Note to self -- all the worrying is all about you really, not your child. Look at your own feelings and worries about your child and ask what you can do to ease them. What support do you need, what systems do you need to put in place? Be honest with yourself; teenagers have a great habit of bringing up their parents "stuff", so look at yourself first and get down and dirty with what is up for you.

4. You are the same, but different.

Just because your teenager may be making what you think is the wrong decision, it does not mean that things will end up how you think they will. Make a list of all the ways that you and your teenager are the same and all the ways that you and your teenager are different. How might your teenager deal with the situation in a different way to you? What skills do they have that will help them in this situation? Have they dealt with similar situations before that have had a positive ending? What comfort can you gain by examining how they have dealt with situations in the past?

5. Open up to possibilities

Get storming. Brainstorm all the possible outcomes of the decisions they are making. We mostly panic when we think that there is only one choice or one way for something to end up. Open your mind to the other possibilities. Get a piece of paper and a pen now and think of at least 20 possible outcomes to the situation, now think of another 10. For extra brownies points, ask your teen how they think this situation will turn out.

6. Support

Now you can see this situation more clearly. Step yourself out of rescue mode -- yes, things may go wrong and that is OK - and into support mode. Start asking your teen what support they need, rather than trying to butt in and influence their decisions. Look at the five areas of support and ask yourself how you fare. Be brave and ask your teen how they think you fare. When your teen is making decisions, think of support questions that you can ask around the 5 areas.

Financial Emotional Physical Intellectual Spiritual

7. Allow your teen to talk

Spend time just listening and I mean really listening to your teenager; their hopes, their fears. Keep your lips shut and just listen. Make every day a learning opportunity where you will learn how great your teen is just by listening to them. Start with 5 minutes a day and keep upping, it heading for an ultimate of 30-60 minutes. And if there is no way they will speak with you for that long, don't worry, just listen intently in the time you have.

8. Let the greatness shine through.

Look at your teen with different eyes and see how great they are, believe that they can and will make the right decisions. Step back, get off their case and stop trying to influence them. Give them A+ in decision-making and know that they will shine if only you allow them. This is, after all, why they listen to their friends so much, because they believe in them.

Eternity Commitment: The 21st Century Alternative to Marriage: Never be Divorced!

The time is here for a new paradigm in lifelong relationships. During the 20th Century, it was clear that what has been the model and structure for lifetime monogamous relationships was NOT WORKING! I am referring to the dysfunctional relationship called “Marriage” as defined and shaped by state lawmakers. Relationships are not the problem; it is the financial structure of the institution of marriage as designed by lawmakers which is diminishing the desire for people to marry.

There has been an 1150% increase in cohabitation in the last 40 years. At the same time the divorce rate in America continues to climb and is one of the highest per capita in the world. Since the advent of marriage laws in the early 1900's, divorces have increased 500% on a per capita basis. All relationships have their challenges. Usually we view these challenges as personality and lifestyle differences. During marriage there is a continual need to work through personality and lifestyle differences while maintaining a healthy loving relationship. There is also a second challenge which most of us do not consider when entertaining the prospect of marriage. State and federal family law legislation has added another variable to the marriage dynamic -- that of joint money, joint liability for debts and joint ownership of assets. Why did lawmakers include joint ownership of accumulated assets, liability, debt and judgments into the institution of marriage? Does this enhance the relationship or increase the potential longevity? Does this criterion change the motivations for marriage? What about the effect on the motivations for divorce? Is current family law what our faith-based forefathers intended?

More than 15 million people in America are cohabiting and this number is increasing exponentially. For the first time in history, there are more unmarried households than married households. America is in the midst of a major societal revolution as it pertains to traditional relationships and lifelong intimate commitments. The blame rests in part with State family laws (marriage/divorce laws), State/Federal marriage tax penalties and Social Security entitlement penalties for the married. Other reasons for the high divorce rates are directly attributed to a major social shift in the commitment of marriage coupled with societal acceptance of multiple intimate relationships in a person’s lifetime.

Psychologists have claimed money and finances are the number one reason for dysfunctional marriages. What if money issues were not part of your loving lifelong relationship? The Eternity Commitment or “EC” is an alternative to marriage where you have a committed lifelong relationship; however do not have the issues of joint money and possessions.

Thousands of years ago, marriage was created and defined by the different religions as the lifelong bonding of loving heterosexual couples, thus creating a family unit recognized by God. Marriage was blessed by the clergy and vows shared and expressed publicly under the eyes of God at the appropriate ceremony. Marriage was a spiritual commitment where the man and woman became one “spiritually”, not financially. There was no government intervention or marriage law mandating that marriage was a financial partnership. It would have been superfluous because religion strongly discouraged divorce.

The traditional structure of marriage created thousands of years ago is more functional and self-sustaining than marriage as it is structured today. Modern society has imposed a myriad of challenges to any formal relationship including marriage itself. The inclusion of the state-mandated financial partnership with the institution of marriage has resulted in dysfunctional motives for all aspects and phases of the marriage relationship.

Most couples believe marriage is a single lifelong commitment. However, there are actually three commitments within the realm of marriage. The first is the personal commitment of love and companionship for life. This is the most important commitment for without this commitment no other commitment will survive. The second commitment is the spiritual or faith-based commitment. This is optional based on a person's faith. The third commitment is the marital law commitment. This is the commitment of a financial structure for your marital relationship. The structure of the marital law financial structure is synonymous with forming a 50/50 business partnership. Yes, you could just as easily duplicate the financial structure of marriage with the formation of a 50/50 business. With marriage, incomes are considered to be joint income, debt acquired by either person is joint or community debt, the couple forms one legal entity and the couple is one "taxed" entity according to the IRS. Just like a business partnership. I know of no couples who marry for the purpose of forming a business partnership. This is the basis of the dysfunctional relationship of present-day marriage.

Many 21st century couples do not want the state-mandated financial design of marriage nor do they want to ever experience the emotional trauma or financial repercussions of divorce. Therefore, they choose NOT to marry. Imagine having the freedom to design your own financial structure for your lifelong relationship rather than being forced into state-imposed rules. The Eternity Commitment gives you that option. You decide what is best for you during your relationship. AND… with an EC you never get divorced.

Most people don’t realize that when a marriage license is obtained you are opting for and agreeing to the state mandated financial structure of your lifelong relationship. A marriage license has nothing to do with your spiritual or personal commitment. In all 50 States, a marriage license is optional for your committed loving relationship. There are many benefits and reasons to opt for an Eternity commitment.

The Eternity Commitment is a relationship of love and companionship for life. It represents the traditional structure for the family which has endured for thousands of years. In the early 1900’s lawmakers enacted thousands of laws which re-characterized marriage to be a relationship of money, debt and possessions. When you analyze marriage laws, they are not about love, honor and cherish until death do you part. They are about joint ownership of property, debt, liabilities, businesses, retirement moneys, etc which in reality resembles a 50/50 business structure. People don’t marry to become business/financial partners; they do so to make a commitment to share love and companionship for life. So why complicate the intimate relationship with spending/saving habits of a partner when there is an alternative to keep the finances separate.

The Eternity Commitment is a lifelong commitment of an intimate relationship not involving marriage. The financial structure of the Eternity Commitment is self-defined between the consenting adults, thus bypassing and avoiding a state mandated financial structure for marriage. The financial structure of an Eternity Commitment is similar to that of a “joint venture” where individuals keep their financial and legal identities when sharing an intimate relationship of love and companionship. With an EC a checking account is established for the depository of funds to pay joint living expenses. In contrast, the financial structure of marriage is where the two parties become one financial, legal and taxed entity. Everything is joint ownership. The structure of marriage has within it inherent strife and conflict associated with spending and savings philosophies and ideologies. The meshing of money and possessions with the marriage is dysfunctional to the intimate relationship. In essence, the financial structure of marriage is contributory to the high divorce statistics.

In recent years, Common Law Marriage has been abolished in all 50 States (with a few caveats), so cohabiting with an intimate relationship will not automatically presume you are legally married. Today, you have a choice to marry or not to marry... or have an Eternity Commitment.

State marriage laws do not enforce the primary commitment of marriage, "until death do us part". Therefore, the institution of marriage in no way protects a marriage from failure. If one person desires a divorce, the courts will grant it. The process of divorce is in reality, the process of splitting the co-mingled assets and debts. In many cases, the person breaking the commitment of marriage will profit financially because they will receive enrichment from their ex-spouse for the investment they made in the marriage. Thus, state lawmakers have created immoral incentives for divorce.

With an Eternity Commitment all property, money, retirement, investments, assets, debts, etc. remain sole and separate unless the two involved agree to include them in the “joint venture” portion of their relationship. Therefore, if there is a separation of people, there is no need to separate money and possessions because these are already separate. This is in contrast to marriage where all assets, debts and liabilities are co-mingled or made apart of the “community” as mandated by marriage law. Therefore, the requirement to split assets is the premise for the divorce.

Because of the high probability and risk of divorce, people are increasingly becoming disenchanted with marriage. Rightfully so -- because if the love in a marriage ceases, all that remains is money and possessions. This is the origin of emotionally charged and expensive divorces. The person who has financially invested the most in the marriage has the most to lose in a divorce.

The pitfalls that lead people to forgo marriage are the beliefs that people:

1. Marry for money,

2. Stay married because of money issues,

3. Manipulate their spouses while married over money and possessions,

4. And last but not least, divorce for money (financial enrichment).

As mentioned earlier, there are numerous marriage tax penalties and Social Security Entitlement reductions for the married.

The Eternity Commitment returns the lifelong loving relationship to that of tradition -- to the structure created for marriage by various religions thousands of years ago, and before the introduction of marriage laws of the early 1900s. With an Eternity Commitment the spiritual and ceremonial aspects of marriage are preserved where the celebration of your commitment may be blessed by a spiritual leader and vows expressed in a ceremony similar to a wedding. There is also an Eternity ring to visually and personally express your commitment.

Many people have questioned the institution of marriage, and rightly so. What you get today with marriage is not what religions historically created for lifelong relationships. However, today most people marry based on the traditional structure and beliefs about marriage. They soon learn tradition is not present-day reality. Marriage laws have superseded the faith-based structure and commitment of marriage.

Financial losses from divorce can be enormous and devastating, especially for the wealthy. Paul McCartney is facing the prospect of paying $400 million dollars to Heather Mills for a failed short term marriage. This is outrageous! Similar divorces occur in America. With most areas of asset protection there are loss insurance and corporate structures to protect individuals. No insurance companies protect individuals from divorce losses. The Eternity Commitment has a financial structure to provide this protection.

The alternative form of a lifelong commitment termed the “Eternity Commitment” defines the structure to eliminate the financial implications and dysfunctional behaviors of marriage/divorce. It focuses on the original premise of a lifetime relationship to be one of love and commitment.

The desire for people to marry will continue to decline and marriage will continue to be in crisis in America as long as state family laws have incentives for divorce and self-serving and immoral spousal behavior. Divorce must stop penalizing the spouse who has invested the most in the marriage. In addition, the marriage penalty tax still remains in many aspects of federal and state tax law and must be eliminated for people to desire marriage. Social Security entitlements should not be reduced for retirees who marry.

In America we enjoy many freedoms. The freedom to design our own financial structure for our lifelong loving relationship is one such freedom. The book Eternity Commitment shows you how to do this and how to avoid the pitfalls inherent with the state-mandated financial structure of marriage. The Eternity Commitment is the relationship structure where you never get divorced! The book contains a FREE Eternity Commitment Companionship Agreement which is a $500 value if you hired an attorney to write this for you. This document outlines the understanding and provides a self-defined financial structure for your lifelong relationship.

True Marriage Healing by Angie Lewis

The source of "true marriage healing" lies within the spiritual aspects of who we are. How do I know this? Because I've been to marriage counseling, and I have read all the self-help marriage books, and because, I did all the things "they say" that are supposed to help you love who you married. But the reality of it is folks, there is no magic pill or potion you can take, and there is no person, besides you, that is going to heal your marriage as it is meant to be healed.

He said, she said scenarios don't work, and neither will finger pointing and blaming one another. We can brow beat our spouse until we are blue in the face, and we can continue to have affairs just because our marriage is on rocky times, and we can listen to strangers tell us how to save our marriage, but I'll tell you what, it will not make us better people inside, so what good is all that for our marriage?

What we want and need for marriage is to be the person God intended for us to be so we can have a better marriage. A man and a woman marriage relationship is the four legs that support the marriage, and what you believe for your marriage is the root of how good or bad the marriage actually will be.

If you want to be a healthier person spiritually, and even mentally, you need to enhance the spiritual side of who you are so you can grow into the loving individual God wants you to become, which is the whole and complete person you truly can be! We all have certain issues in our lives that hold us back from attaining the spiritualism that I am talking about. What is holding you back? That is the question?

In my book, Journey on the Roads Less Traveled, I reveal what held me back. It is my personal testimony of dealing with alcohol addiction and how it stunted my mental and spiritual growth process, and kept me from loving others and myself properly. I was up there on cloud nine most of the early years of my marriage. I eventually came down off that cloud and grew up.

It is MY firm belief that to heal marriage according to how marriage is to be divinely inspired and healed, we need to fix ourselves FIRST! I don't care what some of the self-help books say, I just know this to be true because I've been there! If our marriage isn't good, we need to seek out the resources from the source that is going to actually do something constructive for the marriage, right?

Man himself can set forth a standard for you to follow based on beliefs of society and they may all seem so good and right but if they do not come from God what use are they, really? Most man-made principles come from God but have been twisted to fit into the standards of society, which can sound good and right. This takes great discernment on your part. What is right and wrong? How can you tell? Don't let the world fool you; don't let people fool you into believing what your ears want to hear. Look for the fruit. If there isn't any, then what good is that?

"He who tends a fig tree will eat its fruit" Proverbs 27:18. And in the same concept, "He who tends "himself" will eat its fruits in marriage, and whatever else he embarks on in his life.

If you originate from God, why are you looking to a mere stranger to heal your marriage troubles? God has told us what he wants for us to do for our marriage, but no one is following these precepts, not even those who call themselves Christian's. If you are sinning against the marriage in any way, how can you really expect the standards of society to save you from yourself? Society isn't going to tell you that being unfaithful is wrong, just as it won't tell you what is good and right for your marriage.

Society created the things that are tempting to us and wrong for our marriage. Immoral behavior and imagery is shoved into our face every single day and everywhere! God desperately wants us to put on His shield of armor and He will protect us from the evils of the outside world. This is precisely why we need to fix our self FIRST before we can fix anything with marriage! We do this by letting God lead us not into temptation of society, but instead deliver us from all the evils of society!

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full body armor (figuratively speaking) of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." [Ephesians 6:10-13]

We ought not to stand proud in our sin, but rather put our head down low, and stand humbly before God ready to give our sin(s) to Him. Now, I certainly don't know everything there is to know about the mysteries of God, and, like many of you, I am learning something new about the world around me every single day. Not a day goes by that God doesn't somehow and in some way reveal to me something new to share with others.

I have dealt with personally many of the issues most marriages go through in a lifetime, and sometimes my marriage was a living nightmare. But I grew out and away from what was holding me back, and I managed to heal my marriage with the help of biblical principles. I didn't learn how to be happy and content with myself by going to a therapist or a marriage counselor. And I knew that I couldn't fix my marriage until I fixed myself first. I had to stop drinking, and start to be aware of who I was as a person and where I was in relation to being that person.

What is my purpose? Who am I? Well, I am a child of God. Well then, if I am a child of God, then my source for comfort, happiness and marriage healing lies then in the seed God planted in my heart, which needs only to sprout and grow. Will the seed planted in my heart grow if I go outside of God's boundaries for the answers to my failings, and marriage troubles? No! I need to water the seed by staying within the boundaries of who I am.

One day I decided I wanted to understand what having spirituality in my life was all about, and eventually, I accepted Jesus Christ into my life. His Spirit, the Holy Spirit is a part of my life now. This is not something anyone can just hand over to you. Spirituality is something that you go after and attain on your own and it takes time and spiritual effort. Your relationship with God (Jesus Christ) is unique and special and unlike anyone else's relationship with Him.

True Marriage Healing is not made in a week, or months, but is a gradual growth process that husband and wife make within himself or herself. No marriage will ever be restored until "each" spouse looks at what he can do to change himself. Once this is attained, then and only then, can the marriage begin to be transformed? The big change comes through when we know who we are and what our purpose is in life. When we feel like our life has purpose and meaning, then we can start applying that purpose into our lives.

Many couples when they feel like there is no value or importance attached to their life, that is when they may go outside the boundaries of Gods precepts and search for substance through the establishments of society. The main objective here is for couples to change the way they value themselves and marriage and to help the marriage to grow in positive ways.

Who are you? What is your purpose in life? The answers are where you begin your search for the true source of marriage healing.

~~~

Angie Lewis is the author of Journey on the Roads Less Traveled, a book about love, life and marriage. Angie has written a new book, Love The Man Your Married. In her book Angie shares and answers comments and questions from married couples about marriage related issues that affect couples today.

The book involves all areas in marriage that couples need to know and understand and apply for a successful marriage. This book is a most reliable resource for married couples, from infidelity issues to complete forgiveness. It is my hope that all couples find and begin to utilize the biblical truths for their marriage by reading and studying this book.

Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce

Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying to do all you can to make your marriage work. Depending on how your marriage was prior to thinking that you had a marriage problem, you could be in for a hurtful time if you don't take a step back and look at your marriage problem from a "helicopter" viewpoint. To do that, you're going to need to try to limit your emotional stake in the situation which admittedly is a difficult thing to do.

The first step in getting over a marriage problem is to remember that you aren't alone, lots of couples have marriage problems that stem from all kinds of different types of behavior.

Here's a partial list of marriage problems that you may or may not be experiencing:

Marriage problem #1:

Lack of sexual intimacy - a serious issue that you must work through in my opinion if your going to work it out.

Marriage problem #2:

Exploding during an argument, getting too emotional and letting your temper get the best of you - you need to learn to work together and you can't do that if one of you is getting too heated.

Marriage problem #3:

Being selfish - eventually this will catch up to you. You should always think of your partner when you think of yourself.

Marriage problem #4:

Being dishonest - another serious issue. If you cannot be 100% honest and open with your mate, you're marriage is most likely doomed or at the very least unhappy.

Marriage problem #5:

Teasing too much - generally the husband does this but it could go either way. If there's a little bit of truth to the teasing or there's a greater marriage problem that incites the teasing, you could be in for a long road to recovery together. Chances are that you'll have a lot more work to do to correct this marriage problem.

Marriage problem #6:

Not respecting your spouse - this marriage problem can result in all types of other problems. If you are experiencing this you must get to the root of this and figure out why the disrespect is present. If you aren't getting the every day respect that you deserve, make it a priority to not let this go on another day.

Marriage problem #7:

Not being attentive to your spouse or not listening to your spouse - men are usually guilty of this marriage problem but is isn't exclusive to the weaker gender by any means. Really listening doesn't mean obeying, it means understanding what's important to your spouse and acting accordingly.

Obviously there are many other things that could be labeled a "marriage problem", you have to decide what those are as they pertain to your situation.

So, how do you figure out if a marriage problem or problems are severe enough to warrant a divorce?

You should first examine what your marriage problem actually is and decide if it is exclusively a problem for you or if it is something that you both consider to be a marriage problem. If you are the only one who sees the said action as a marriage problem, you have to decide whether or not that specific marriage problem is being caused by you or whether it is truly a problem brought on by your spouse. If the marriage problem is unique to you, seek some help from a counselor and do yourself the courtesy of trying to correct the problem before you believe that you need to run right out and get a divorce. You'll be a better person for it because you will have fixed something within yourself.

However, if you truly believe that the marriage problem is caused and prolonged by your spouse, sit down with yourself first and examine what you believe to be the root cause of the behavior that creates the marriage problem. Make sure that you are being logical when you identify the behavior that you feel is causing the marriage problem and try to recall if the traits or behavior that you've identified in your spouse are 'fixable' in your mind...assuming of course, that your spouse will agree that you are right.

Next, approach your spouse with the information that you've reflected on and try to talk through the cause of the marriage problem. Hopefully your spouse will be open to constructive discussion regarding the marriage problem so you can work through it together. If you cannot do work on the marriage problem together, seek the help of a mediator or marriage counselor so you can actually talk out the marriage problem logically. If you cannot work it out after counseling, other divorce advice, deep self-reflection and discussions, you should be able to decide whether or not the marriage problem warrants a divorce or not.

Of course, no one can decide this but you.

Karl Augustine

"A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce"

An eBook recommended by marriage counselors and relationship coaches to their clients.

Karl Augustine

Save My Marriage Alone - Tips That Will Help You Save Your Marriage

How can I save my marriage alone? This is, unfortunately, a question asked by far too many people today. The first years of marriage are usually happy, and both partners are content. Then problems start, and conflicts begin. Usually, neither person truly wants to end their marriage. They just don't know how to save it.

You know that there are problems in your marriage. You have to really look at them, and find out why they happened. When only one person is trying to save a marriage, it is doing to be difficult. But it CAN be done!

You should try to bring back to 'spark' in your marriage. When couples start to have marital problems, usually the first thing that leaves the marriage is the spark. The romance. The togetherness. You should try to set time aside to spend quality time together, even if it's a small amount of time at first. Think about how wonderful your marriage was before, and this will give you the strength you need to continue to save your marriage.

Show your spouse that you really do still love them. Show them that you appreciate them, and how truly special they are to you.

In a healthy relationship, communication is a key factor. Try to initiate communication with your spouse. At first, it will probably not be easy, but it will get easier with time. When you finally get your spouse to talk, be sure to listen. Listen to their thoughts and feelings, and do your very best to understand.

Keeping a troubled marriage alive is difficult, to say the least. Time changes people, for better or worse. That's just a simple fact of life. But you must learn how to deal with these changes. When you do that, and are willing to put the effort into it, you will succeed in saving your marriage, even when you are doing it alone.

When you find yourself asking 'How can I possibly save my marriage alone?', please know that you CAN do it. Here's a little known secret that has helped thousands of people like yourself learn how to successfully save their marriage. Sabrina Werles

Is Your Marriage in Trouble Due to Husband's Depression? 3 Pieces of Advice For Wives

I think that anybody who's marriage is in trouble would like to see things worked out. There are so many problems, both financial and emotional, that come with divorce that surely isn't a good first choice.

Unfortunately, lots of strength, emotional and physical, is needed to fix things up. This is especially true if your husband suffers from depression. The emotional and physical stress is so great that a lot of women just give up and look to get out of it.

In this article I offer three pieces of advice for women who's marriage is in trouble because of the husband's depression. Read it and implement the ideas so you'll be able to lead a much happier life.

1. Do what you have done before. The best advice that I, or ANYONE else, can give someone who's marriage is in trouble is to remember what you have done in the past. Your husband's depression probably isn't something new. The severity might be new but probably he had bouts of "sadness" even before you concluded that your marriage is in trouble. And if you are still married then the depression did weaken.

Don't waste your time and energy to "reinvent the wheel". Firstly it is not worth the effort. Secondly, if it worked once, it will probably work again. Even if the situation has changed since the last time, you can use what you used in the past as a base and "tweak" it to make it appropriate for the present situation.

2. Take care of yourself. When your husband is depressed it surely takes a heavy toll on you. He might not help with the kids, can't hold a job down (so you have to support the family), offer you NO support, and constantly blame you for his situation and put you down.

You need all the strength that you can muster in order not to fall apart. Go to the gym. Go out to eat or go out to the movies with friends. Lock yourself in a room and read a book.

THIS IS NOT BEING SELFISH. I repeat, "THIS IS NOT BEING SELFISH." If your marriage is in trouble, it will take strength to save it. If you fall apart, then your children will suffer and well as your husband. Therefore take care of yourself.

3. Convince him to get help. This DOES NOT mean to just "drop the bomb" and bluntly tell him, "Dear, I think that you need help." This surely won't help! (as I'm sure you know.)

A simple, and very effective, formula to use is (1) only mention facts (no labels) (2) make clear what you are not hinting to, and (3) then to say what you want to say (as gently as you can say it, but enough to get your point across).

Meaning: You don't call him lazy, inconsiderate, or self centered. You only say what you saw. For instance, "I see that you haven't gotten up before 12:30 for the past month."

After that you say something to the effect of, "I'm not saying that you are lazy or that you don't care about the family."

Only after that can you say, "Therefore what do think can help you here?" If he says, "Nothing, it will work itself out. Just give it time and don't rush me", then you can suggest that you don't agree and that and suggest that he sees someone (or to do something else to overcome his depression).

Dealing with a depressed husband isn't easy. However, it also doesn't mean that you have to run to divorce that might be "jumping from the frying pan into the fire".

Begin with these 3 ideas and stay strong until you once again begin to have a happy marriage.

Shevach Pepper

Marriage Communication

As I fly around the country, the person sitting next to me on an airplane will often ask me what I do. When I tell the person that I direct the Marriage Enrichment Programs at Family Dynamics, he or she often asks me questions about marriage.

Eventually, the conversation turns to the role of communication in marriage. When it does, I’m often asked what I think are the vital aspects of good communication, and by implication, what makes for bad communication. When asked, I include five components of good communication.

Good communication in marriage is respectful.

In our Dynamic Marriage course, we discuss what Dr. Willard Harley calls “disrespectful judgments.” Sarcasm, ridicule, judgmental statements and accusations, and put downs fit into this category. Good communication avoids all such disrespect. This is another way of saying that good communication is qualitative. Just listen to couples talking to each other. Do you hear condescension or sarcastic responses to honest statements and questions? Do you hear one partner make fun of the other’s mispronunciations or poor grammar? Do you hear a spouse berating or criticizing the other’s choices or decisions? Do you hear one spouse trying to intimidate the other into submission? Do you observe eye-rolling in responses to honest thoughts from the other? Now, analyze the way you talk to your spouse? Is your communication respectful, or does it show grave disrespect?

Good communication in marriage is quantitative.

Most couples engage in meaningful conversation less than 15 minutes per week. Two-income families trying to enable the children to participate in every available recreational activity only makes a viable solution more difficult to discover. The problem is not insurmountable, however, as long as we take advantage of multi-tasking.

Good conversation can occur while participating in other activities. Talk while taking a walk, when working around the house together, while enduring a television commercial, when conducting family meetings, and while driving together to church, the grocery store, or a movie. Couples intent on quantitative as well as qualitative communication seize every possible moment to talk respectfully with one another.

Good communication in marriage is a two-way street.

While effective, respectful talking is essential in good communication, respectful listening is also vital. Bad communication begins with one spouse dominating the conversation, but the listener can also ensure bad communication. A lack of eye contact, negative facial gestures, or disengaged body language also stymies good communication.

Watch a couple at the airport or in the food court at a shopping mall talk to one another. Does one spouse dominate the conversation? Does he interrupt his spouse when she tries to get in a few words of self-defense or alternate viewpoint? Does the dominant voice refuse to really listen? If so, this conversation is not a two-way street and is doomed to be at best, poor communication.

Good communication in marriage probes for more insight.

No matter how well conceived and how well stated, most listeners fail to grasp the full meaning of the speaker, especially the subtle nuances. The only way to overcome the unnecessary miscues in conversation is to ask questions. To maintain good communication, however, the questions must be asked respectfully and courteously.

Responses like, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard; don’t you mean to say . . . ?” probe but are incredibly disrespectful. On the other hand, an introductory statement to a question like “Please forgive my inability to keep up with you, but I need to ask a question about what you just said” is both probing and respectful.

Good communication in marriage is honest.

Any spouse who learns that his spouse lied about something wonders from then on if the truth is on the table when any issue arises. Tragically, lying brings long-term consequences that most spouses fail to consider before twisting the truth. Honesty, however, is not merely avoiding falsehood. Honesty also means that we refuse to avoid sharing information that our spouse has the right to know and would want to know. Why would we avoid sharing such information? Usually, we either fear judgment from our spouse if we admit our failings, or we fear hurting our spouse’s feelings.

Good communication in marriage does not hide, distort, or evade the truth from the other. But honest communication doesn’t necessitate cruelty just for the sake of honesty. Respectful honesty is the key phrase.

By Terry Northcutt

Instant Marriage Councillor

My life had become an open book for most of my friends and I’m not ashamed of entrusting it to them. For me sharing life experiences would mean a lot to me, because it’s my expression of showing to a friend how much I trusted them. Thanks God, they are all very much willing to listen and proven to be fellows that can truly be trusted.

It’s not only me who spontaneously express life battles to a certain friend. Often times, my friends open up their miserable life experiences to me not only about family matters even matters of the heart.

Two years ago, I encountered quiet challenging and complicated situation because I became a mediator of such conflicting state between two of my close friends happen to be a couple. Although I wasn’t able to successfully reconcile them yet fulfilling because God knows I tried my best to reconcile them. Actually it is supposed to be a work done by a marriage councillor but during that time I acted as one, hearing every detail of their stories why they need to end up their marriage life. Sounds funny, because I’m not supposed to council them, I am not entitled to act such but I did for the sake of friendship aiming and hoping that they will soon be reconciled.

I was in Manila when my Seaman friend gives me a ring. He informed me of his immediate arrival and warned me not to tell his wife, for what reason, he did not tell me but instead invite me to meet him at the fast food chain situated along Boni MRT Station. After office hours, I rushed to the place he’d mentioned and meet him there.

He told me everything about what had happen between him and his wife. Third party was the main reason and he wanted to catch them and know the truth, the reason why he never allows me to inform his wife of his immediate arrival.

They are married with two kids both at young age. I become close to both of them because of our active involvement in our church and they are the first person I approached that I wanted to actively join the church choir during my college years.

On that same year, I was given the chance to go back home to our province. It was all souls day during that time when I decided to have a week long vacation. That was the time I heard his wife’s side of the story and in front of me she bravely admitted, for what reason, she never disclosed it to me but instead express her feelings towards his husband and the feelings she felt on his new found love. I’m just sitting in front of her, listening and never misjudge her vague decision. On the other hand, his husband seems to be so violent of what had happened. I felt the agony and revengeful feeling he had gone through. He even told me, if not for his two sons, he neither wanted to kill that someone who invaded their marriage nor ended his life to escape from the reality he was facing.

Despite the fact that both of them had a serious conflict with their relationship, I still manage to let both of them come on a dinner I initiated during my week long vacation. Together with the rest of my church friends we just simply ignore the issue and enjoy the fun.

I went back home to Manila bearing with me their stories and still hoping that sooner or later they will learn to forgive what they have done and patch up everything for the sake of their children. Their stories did not only teach me to realize how cruel life sometimes, it showed me hints of possibilities that such will happen if we or our better half will let it happen. But once done its over and the victim must need to accept and continue life’s unexpected struggle but not for the one who committed the crime, such will reap the consequences of what he had done.

Christian Living Love Marriage Relationship Through Sensuality

What many Christian couples don't understand is the potential they have for a Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality! It irks me to no end when I see a Christian couple simply going through the motions of life! I see them at church, I see them pick their children up from school, and I will see them at various Church gatherings and events. When i ask, "how is everything going?", I will sometimes get a response such as, "oh pretty good, you know me and Chuck are pretty busy and It's hard to create extra time for ourselves, but we do manage to make it to Church, so that's good." Ugh! I generally will find a window of opportunity to pull such couples aside and right off the bat say to them, "You know Chuck and Betty, it really sounds to me like you're missing out on a Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality!" This is enough of a shocker to get their attention, and I then will explain further to them some aspects to a Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality.

First I explain to them that there is no need to "create time" but rather to live the time which is available to them as if these are in fact the magic moments (which indeed they are). And when you take on that mentality you end up opening up windows for the so called "spare time", but in any event when you act sensual about everyday life as a Christian in a loving marriage relationship, then you create so much more meaning, direction and purpose. A Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality is also the ultimate display of appreciation to God. Living day to day and just "managing to make it to Church" certainly doesn't cut the mustard to the true Christianity practice of a fulfilling, sensuous, life, celebrating God, religion, and how one another fit into the wonderful mix.

Secondly I will stress the importance of intimacy towards one another and that in order to truly practice Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality they must be passionate, alive, and intimate towards one another more than the average person. They have a duty, I explain, to live up to the high pillars of Christian living and to do that requires nothing less than celebrating the bond between one another with Christianity serving as their base.

Thirdly, and to make sure they can take home and practice what I've been preaching, I recommend that they read specific Christian based manuals which they can use to ensure they begin their path towards a Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality both easily and effectively. These little techniques and tips can be applied every week so as to ensure the flow of sensual living is indeed a constant stream of a Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality!

3 Foundation Stones To Building A Lasting Love Marriage Relationship

Building a strong love marriage relationship is an art. But there are 3 simple-to-remember relationship tips that can ease you both along the pathway to a lifetime of married love, passion and romance.

1. The commitment to love

In getting married, you agree to love one another through thick and thin. But most of us have been fooled into thinking that love is something that we experience and feel rather than something we do. Start to reframe your understanding of what love is. Love in marriage is a verb. You have to work at it. Your commitment is your promise to work at it, throughout your married life. The couples who both work at creating love throughout their married life, get to experience the rewards of an ongoing, blissful love marriage relationship.

2. Marriage is a self-improvement project

Marriage is the start line not the finish line. You thought you could give up and veg out once you've landed that big fish husband of yours? You think you can slob around now you've got a ring on that gorgeous girl's finger? Perish the thought! Carry with you the intention to do better today than you did yesterday. Improve upon the way you interact with your life partner. Keep things fresh. If you mess up, admit it, apologise and loosen up enough to try something new. Take advice from your partner. Be flexible enough to change, to grow and to become something bigger and better than you were before. Keep yourselves healthy and smart. Self-improvement is incredibly attractive and a sure way to keep the fires of passion blazing in your love marriage relationship.

3. The honest mind

Don't be one of those nitwits who think that valuing 'honesty' in a marriage gives them a license to be blunt and cruel. In love marriage relationships, honesty is a willingness to look at yourself and your actions and see where you might be being pig-headed. It means looking at your relationship with a clear head. Examining your soul to see how you can create a better life experience for both of you. It also means communicating clearly with one another. So many marriages founder because of simple misunderstandings. Develop the ability to look honestly at yourself, develop the responsibility to create positive changes, and be willing to reveal and communicate what you find with your partner. Such acts of intimacy forge powerful lasting bonds.

Follow in the footsteps of the joyful

Your love marriage relationship is unique. But you will experience similar challenges to every other married couple. Why not shortcut your learning curve and learn from those who are already living successful married lives? Michael Webb took the trouble to interview married couples who fell into the top 1% of those with happy, successful marriages and got them to reveal their strategies for long-lasting married love, romance and passion in The 50 Secrets to Blissful Relationships.

It's always so much easier to learn from experienced mentors who've already charted a course through the choppy waters of life. And if you want to guarantee your love marriage relationship grows from strength to strength, be sure to check out that resource. Meanwhile, use the relationship tips above to steer your marriage towards joy, passion and intimacy which will last a lifetime. I wish you great happiness and love in all your moments together.

Copyright Anne Amore

Is Love Necessary In A Marriage Relationship

Love is usually misunderstood. People think that it is an emotion or something you feel. It does bring on emotions but it's not something you necessarily feel. In marriage relationships sometimes the feelings people normally associate with love have faded for a time.

Love is a decision to act and to treat someone a certain way. It is more about what you do than what you feel. It is about the commitment you made to the one you chose to marry. It is a promise. That is why you promised to love. You didn't promise to feel a certain way. The promise was made for better or for worse.

Yes love is necessary in the marriage relationship because feelings come and go. Sometimes anger may arise, or you may get hurt by the one you love. This is not the time to give up your love. This is the time when you need love the most.

Your decision to love leads you to forgive, repair, encourage, build, cherish and make better your marriage relationship. That is not to say it will be easy. Sometime those good feeling will be there for you and sometimes they wont. But your constant commitment to love as you promised will ensure that those feeling show up more frequently.

Love Must Be A Commitment

Many marriages have ended because a spouse would be drawn to someone outside the relationship. This is brought on by feelings and lust. These feelings can change and often do. It takes wisdom not to follow every feeling or desire that comes our way.

Comparing your spouse or mate to other is wrong. It takes your focus off of you as a couple and focuses on the individual and their problems as you see them. Once this happens it is easy to get caught up into a relationship outside the marriage. You begin to justify your behavior by what you don't have, or can't get at home. It becomes easier to forget your commitment to marriage, love, and your spouse.

Always remember love. Remember the commitment to your spouse in the face of difficult times. It is your decision to love that will get you through. When both people remember their commitment of love and follow through the marriage is safe. Without this agreement the marriage is powerless to survive the difficulties that it will inevitably face.

Remember love is not a feeling but a decision to do and to act a certain way with the person you have committed to in marriage.

The Mechanics of Faith Is a website where I hope to share some insight to growing in faith, and learning to trust God's word. As I learn a will give any tips and instruction that will hopefully be of use to the readers of The Mechanics of Faith Web site.

6 Relationship Mistakes That Can Screw Up Your Sex Life

Do you know how sex starts out exciting and over time it loses its fizzle? Even though sex may change throughout years of married life, you can still have a fulfilling sexual relationship for a lifetime. What many couples do not realize is how they treat each other during the day affects what happens in the bedroom at night.

Here are 6 things relationship mistakes that eventually can screw up your sex life:

1. Stop Making Their Relationship a Priority

Life gets hectic and it is easy to focus on everything besides each other. Eventually, your relationship and sex life suffer from lack of attention.

2. Attack each other

Many couples use their words to attack each other. Those wounds can go deep into the hearts of their mates. Scars form and the heart grows cold. In the long run, their sex life grows cold as well.

3. Quit Trying New Things

If you have been married for a while, you know which sexual buttons to push to get a response. It is tempting to rush through sex and just do the same thing over and over. Ultimately, sex becomes boring and mundane.

4. Stop Doing Romantic Things

Romance is a demonstration of affection for your mate. This positive expression of love can help keep your marriage warm and affectionate inside and outside the bedroom.

5. Quit Touching Outside of Sex

When was the last time you snuggled on the couch together or shared a long kiss outside of sex? If you cannot remember, then it has been too long.

6. Do Not Cherish Each Other

In a long-term relationship, it is easy to start taking each other for granted. You start focusing on the annoying things that your mate does, and you forget to notice the positive things.

These are just a few of the relationship mistakes that couples make that affects their sex life. If you want to know more about improving the intimacy in your marriage, then I invite you to get our special report, "Keeping That Loving Feeling: 7 Secrets Every Couple Should Know"
Sex is to marriage what hot is to soup. You can have one without the other, but it is not nearly as palatable. Good luck in building your dream marriage- Laurel Barnet

10 Things Women Should Know About Sex After Having a Baby

Your whole life changes after having a baby. You may be starting to wonder about how your marriage and sexual relationship will change once your are parents. Read on to discover ten things that you should know about sex after having a baby.

1. Waiting for Sex

How long do you have to wait to have sex after having a baby? Usually you can resume sex four to six weeks after delivery before having sex. Talk to your health-care provider about when it is safe for you to have sex again.

2. “I Haven’t Got Time for The Pain”

If you had an episiotomy, then you may have some discomfort when you first have sex. There are two things that can help: water-soluble lubricant and position yourself on top and your partner on the bottom. If you are on top it is easier to move into a more comfortable position if your partner touches a sensitive area.

3. Another Pregnancy?

You can get pregnancy fairly soon after delivery, even if you are breastfeeding. I have had patients get pregnant in less than six weeks. If you do not want to get pregnant immediately, then use birth control.

4. Your Post-Baby Body

Your body is no longer the same after having a baby. Some of the changes you can work on through exercise and diet. Other changes are permanent.

You may feel self-conscious about your post-baby body. On the other hand, your husband still thinks you are sexy and enjoys seeing your body.

5. Are You Listening?

You may find it hard to stay focused on sex when you are listening for the baby. This may get easier as the baby gets older and does not wake up as often.

6. The Baby is Wet But You Are Not

Breastfeeding can cause vaginal dryness and pain with sex. Use a water-soluble lubricant or talk to your health-care provider about using vaginal estrogen.

7. You Might Prefer Sleep Over Sex

Fatigue is one of the most common causes of low sex drive in women. New moms are usually sleep deprived and exhausted. It is not uncommon for your sex drive to diminish.

8. Super-Mom and Super-Sex Goddess?

A lot of women have trouble going from being mom to lover within a few minutes. Take some time to unwind before sex to help you change roles.

9. There is a Baby in Your Room

You may feel uncomfortable having sex if your newborn is in a bassinet in your room. A young baby will not be aware of what you are doing. If you are having trouble relaxing try having sex in a different room.

10. The Sex Exercise

The vagina gets stretched out during pregnancy and childbirth. Kegel exercises can help tighten and strengthen the pelvic muscles.

Having a new baby is an exciting time filled with wonder and awe. It is easy to get so caught up with the baby that you neglect your marriage relationship. The most important gift you can give your baby is a stable family and that includes a strong marriage. Sex is just one part of having a strong marriage. Laurel Barnet

3 Marriage Relationships Tips To Keep Relationships and Marriage Love-Fille

Marriage relationships can be the most fulfilling life experience you will ever have -- or the worst! You are clearly wise enough to value your relationships and marriage, and to want to make them as special as can be. So what can you do to make your marriage relationships blissful and harmonious, loving, passionate and romantic? Here are 3 tips to keep the sparkle in your relationships and marriage....

1. Relationships as a work of art

What makes a painting valuable? Usually it's the rarity of the painting (there's only one), and the mastery of the artist. Your marriage relationships are just as rare. Nobody can duplicate exactly your marriage or love relationship. It's unique. And that makes it special. If you add to that the attention and care that you choose to give your partnership, you can see how valuable it really is. Start to appreciate your relationships and marriage more. Reframe the way you look at it. Take time to enjoy it. Luxuriate in what is wonderful about it and be sure to express lots of appreciation to your partner for every little thing. And appreciate yourself too -- you created this -- and you will make it even better!

2. Marriage as a pathway to self development

Marriage knocks the sharp edges off you and rounds you out as an individual. In the best marriage relationships, both partners strive hard to keep on improving and growing. That way they remain attractive and interesting to one another. Don't settle into a relationship. Life is an adventure in growth and development. Always strive to improve. Look for ways to be more loving. Exercise your creativity to surprise and delight your partner -- we all want to have fun, especially us gals!

3. Marriage relationships as a focus for love

When you and I eventually leave this mortal coil, it will be the relationships we formed and the love that we gave and received that will be most meaningful for us. Make LOVE your focus in life and your life will be so very rich. Let your marriage relationships be your major life project, your purpose if you will. Learn to give more and to put more love into your relationships and marriage. See just how far you can go and keep pushing back the borders of your love. What a truly wonderful life you will create. As you focus love in on your primary love relationship, and it flourishes under your touch, you will soon find yourself pouring love into all your relationships with family, friends and the world. Such actions make this world a better place.

Anne Amore

Getting to Know Your Spouse Better

Some time ago I taught a lesson on marriage. At the end I asked, “Wouldn’t it be interesting if we all went home and did two things:

(1) ask our wives how we could be better husbands, and (2) listen to what they have to say.” [Questions should also be asked in reverse by wife]

After the meeting I returned home and began eating a late breakfast. My wife, Susan, asked about my lesson, and between bites of cereal I indicated that as far as I could tell it went pretty well.

“What did you say?” she asked. I took another spoonful of cereal and replied, “I told them to go home and ask their wives how they could be better husbands, and then listen to their comments.” I chuckled. “I’ll bet some of them are having some pretty interesting discussions right now.” I took another sip of orange juice.

Susan walked over to the kitchen counter and was rather quiet as I continued to enjoy my breakfast. After a few minutes she said, “Do you really want to know?”

“Know what?” I asked.

“How you could be a better husband,” she replied. “You do follow your own advice, don’t you?”

Suddenly I lost my appetite. I put down my toast, and she began.

It was not so much what I was doing that concerned her, she said, but what I could be doing that would greatly improve our marriage. I listened.

Our discussion had lasted about an hour when the phone rang. Susan answered it and talked for a minute or two and hung up.

“Who was it?” I asked.

“It was Brother Larson,” she replied. “He said he would be a little late picking you up to go home teaching.”

Susan walked out of the kitchen and called back, “He said he and his wife were having some sort of discussion. Something to do with what you said in priesthood meeting this morning.”

As husbands and wives, how well do we know each other? Most of us knew enough about our spouse at one time to agree to marriage. But what have we learned about each other since then? People—and consequently marriages—change as the years go by.

Some husbands and wives are surprised to find that there are still things to learn about each other, even after several years of marriage. Some mistakenly believe that because they live together in the same house, they’ll automatically know each other. Others assume that they each share the same perspective of their marriage—that since they are “one,” they think exactly alike, enjoy exactly the same things, and derive exactly the same satisfaction from their relationship. And some even erroneously assume that because they love each other, each will always know what the other is thinking or feeling, so there’s no need to express thoughts and sentiments.

Whatever the reasons, dialogue is infrequent or missing in too many marriages.

Elder Hugh B. Brown has written: “Where there is deep and mature love, which is being nurtured and jealously guarded, the couple will confide in each other and discuss all matters of joint interest—and in marriage everything should be of interest to both—they will stand together in adversity, will lean on, support, and give strength to each other. They will find that their combined strength is more than double the strength of either one of them alone.” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, p. 30.)

To assist in marital communication, try the following exercise together. Allow yourselves sufficient time when there will be no interruptions. You might wish to divide the exercise into several sessions, considering two or three statements at each session.

First, respond individually in writing to the statements. Then exchange papers and talk about what you’ve written. Don’t try to review your responses simultaneously. While one of you is reading or speaking, the other should listen or ask clarifying questions. Then switch roles.

Complete the following statements:

1. In our marriage, I feel loved when you …
2. In our marriage, I feel appreciated when you …
3. In our marriage, I am happiest when …
4. In our marriage, I am saddest when …
5. In our marriage, I am angriest when …
6. In our marriage, I would like more …
7. In our marriage, I would like less …
8. In our marriage, I feel awkward when …
9. In our marriage, I feel uneasy when …
10. In our marriage, I feel excited when …
11. In our marriage, I feel close to you when …
12. In our marriage, I feel distant from you when …
13. In our marriage, I feel most afraid when …
14. My greatest concern/fear about our marriage is …
15. What I like most about myself is …
16. What I dislike most about myself is …
17. The feelings that I have the most difficulty sharing with you are …
18. The feelings that I can share most easily with you are …
19. Our marriage could be greatly improved with just a little effort if we …
20. The one thing in our marriage that needs the most immediate attention is …
21. The best thing about our marriage is …

- Coping With the Loss of a Child

When the tragedy of losing a child impacts your marriage negatively, try to live each day fully and focus on the present.

Don't lose the richness of each day by worrying about the future or fretting about the past. Yes, your past history is with you always, but not to dwell on. Planning is important, and preparing for the future, but don't sacrifice today in the process.

If you focus too much on the past and on the future, losing today, you can also jeopardize your marriage. This is one of the areas that is critical for couples to talk about.A little over thirty years ago, during the summer, we lost three babies. Little Angel was a miscarriage victim when Sheri was only four months pregnant. Susan Sarah was born at 5 1/2 months, and weighed just over one pound. She lived seven days. Teresa Rose was a full term baby, but was diagnosed as a trisomy 18 victim. She lived eight days. Although these babies entered our lives briefly, they each taught our family much.

As we dealt with our sadness, and talked with one another about our feelings, we also learned to recognize the importance of each day. One day, after experiencing a near automobile accident on our way to the hospital to visit Susan, we realized that she could have outlived us. That moment changed us forever.

Instead of focusing on how we would probably be losing her, we focused instead on the gift she was to us. We decided to rejoice in each day we had with her. This was a major step towards our healing one another.

The past is important. You can never get away from it. You can, however, learn from it, and get on with life.

Plan for the future. Remember, you can always cross a bridge when you get to it.

Don't lose today. Live it to the fullest. Make this decision together. Do it together.

What Men Want in a Relationship

I have discovered a stark contrast between what each sex thinks
the opposite sex wants from them, and what the opposite sex
really does want.

What women think men want from them causes women to have resentment and anger toward men, and feel hopeless about ever developing a wonderful, warm, romantic partnership. What men think women want from them causes them much of the same feelings and frustration.

First aid for bruised heartsThe sad part is that it does not have to be this way, if only we would realize that both men and women are human beings first and pretty much want the same thing. But, you don't have to take my word for this.

I asked a number of men and women who are actively involved in personal growth and development what they want from a partner in order to build a great relationship. You will find their answers unexpected. Discover what men said they want from women as contrasted with what women think men want. You'll also find tips for women to give men what they want, attract a great man, and create a wonderful relationship.

1. Men want honest, timely, loving communication.

Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteers information. They want a woman who confidently asks for her wants and needs to be met. They want a woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with kindness. Men want a woman who can communicate without being too critical, who cares about preserving his and her dignity.

Women think men want them to be superficial, to keep quiet about their needs or wants, and never to ask for anything. Women think men believe them to be too needy and too sensitive, and that men simply want women to get over it. Some women believe they do not have the permission to tell it like it is, that they will be rejected for speaking up.

**A Tip for Women**
Great men want and need straightforward, courageous communication without anger or criticism. One way to attract a great man and build a satisfying relationship is to learn how to communicate your truth and needs effectively.

2. Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women.

Men want a woman to choose them out of want rather than out of desperation -- either materially or emotionally. Men need to be wanted and needed by their partners, but they want their partners to have a separate identity. Men want a woman to be active and independent, to have her own friends and interests.
On the other hand, men treasure time spend with a loving partner.

Women think men don't want women to need them. Women think men do not need or appreciate time spent together as a couple. Women believe that showing a man he is needed will turn him off and
possibly make him run away.

**A Tip for Women**
Men want what women want -- a whole partner. One powerful way to attract a great man and build a vibrant relationship is to create a full, rewarding life for your own fulfillment.

3. Men want a manipulation-free relationship.

Men want no manipulation of any kind. They do not want to read their partner's mind or try to interpret signals. They do not want to be forced to move faster in a relationship than they are ready. They do not want to be manipulated into taking all the blame for things gone wrong. They do not want to be on the receiving end of game playing.

Women think men want little or no communication, and the only way to get needs met is through manipulation. Women think men either need or want to be reminded that the relationship needs to move forward. Women think men don't want or value praise and acknowledgement, and so tend to only verbalize criticism.

**A Tip for Women**
Men will not tolerate manipulation of any kind for any significant length of time. To attract a great man and build a wonderful relationship learn to ask without hesitation for what you want and need in every area of your life. Learn to be aware of his timing and his timeline. Learn how to acknowledge and bestow praise.

4. Men want growth, personal responsibility, and ownership.

Men want a partner who can laugh at herself and who has courage and strength. They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics and own it. She has to be emotionally stable. Men want a woman who is developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional experience.

Women think men only want to have a good time. Women think men have no interest in developing and growing a relationship or developing and growing themselves. Women think men want women who are super models, and that they never consider whether a
woman is emotionally mature, kind, supportive, or loving.

**A Tip for Women**
Men want women who are emotionally mature. Maturity does not mean lack of emotions. It does mean the ability to handle emotions responsibly. To attract a great man and build a long-term relationship, learn to take responsibility for your emotional experience and expression.

5. Men want fidelity and a commitment to the relationship.

Fidelity is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a "roaming eye" and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Many may define commitment as fidelity plus the willingness to work on the relationship -- even when the going gets tough.

Women think that all men want is sex, and that men will leave a relationship for the next prettier face. Women think men cannot be trusted to be faithful. Women believe men do not want to work on a relationship; that when the going gets tough, they run.

**A Tip for Women**
Here is great news for those women who are resigned to the myth that all men cheat: infidelity and "a roaming eye" are as distasteful to men as they are to women. Great men know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know fidelity is the main ingredient.

6. Men want women who know how men need to be treated.

Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgement of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.

Women think men do not need them, do not value their opinion, their support, their praise. Women also think men do not care about many things important to women, which is why they criticize. Criticism is a way to verbalize resentment.

**A Tip for Women**
Most men want acknowledgement and appreciation from women. Learning to acknowledge instead of making your partner wrong is one of the most powerful relationship survival tools available to you.

Before You End Your Marriage Over Porn

The issue of spouses watching pornography is one that can tear a marriage apart. For some couples pornography is okay, while for other couples, the use of pornography is a deal breaker.
The Pornography Issue
When a wife discovers that her husband apparently prefers viewing pornography over having sex with her, she often has feelings of rage, repulsion, hurt, and mistrust.

While many wives consider pornography to be insulting, degrading, and a form of cheating, there are husbands who don't understand their wives' anger about the use of pornography and don't see themselves as being unfaithful.

"But the attention paid to the connection between porn and infidelity doesn’t translate into anything like a consensus on what that connection is. Polls show that Americans are almost evenly divided on questions like whether porn is bad for relationships, whether it’s an inevitable feature of male existence, and whether it’s demeaning to women. This divide tends to cut along gender lines, inevitably: women are more likely to look at pornography than in the past, but they remain considerably more hostile to porn than men are, and considerably less likely to make use of it. (Even among the Internet generation, the split between the sexes remains stark. A survey of American college students last year found that 70 percent of the women in the sample never looked at pornography, compared with just 14 percent of their male peers; almost half of the men surveyed looked at porn at least once a week, versus just 3 percent of the women.)"
Source: Ross Douthat. "Is Pornography Adultery?" TheAtlantic.com. 10/2008.

"This is a very common question and concern. Let’s start by dispelling a major porn myth; there is absolutely nothing “unhealthy” or abnormal with watching porn in and of itself. As long as we’re talking about legal adult movies, and as long as everyone who is watching is consenting, there is nothing inherent in pornography that makes it bad. That doesn’t mean that people do use porn in unhealthy ways, watching too much of it or becoming obsessive about it. But people do this with drugs, work, even sports, and we don’t consider those things “evil” (well, some of us do I guess). ... The first thing I want to suggest is that you talk to him about it. Without being judgmental, it would be interesting to know what he likes about porn. Is it the fantasy? Are there things he sees that he wants the two of you to try? Is it boredom or habit?
Source: Cory Silverberg. "Is Watching Porn Okay?"

Additional Reading:
Can Pornography Undermine Your Marriage?
What is Pornography?
Pornography is difficult to define because it is different things to different people and not all porn is illegal.

Pornography is generally defined as material (magazines, pictures, videos, movies, internet web sites, etc.) that depicts individuals in sexually explicit ways. Although porn is also described as adult entertainment and a harmless habit, it is also described as a gateway drug that can lead to betrayal and infidelity.

About The Deficiency Of Breast Milk

Deficiency of milk may exist even at a very early period after delivery, and yet be removed. This, however, is not to be accomplished by the means too frequently resorted to; for it is the custom with many, two or three weeks after their confinement, if the supply of nourishment for the infant is scanty, to partake largely of malt liquor for its increase.

Sooner or later this will be found injurious to the constitution of the mother: but how, then, is this deficiency to be obviated? Let the nurse keep but in good health, and this point gained, the milk, both as to quantity and quality, will be as ample, nutritious, and good, as can be produced by the individual.

I would recommend a plain, generous, and nutritious diet; not one description of food exclusively, but, as is natural, a wholesome, mixed, animal, and vegetable diet, with or without wine or malt liquor, according to former habit; and, occasionally, where malt liquor has never been previously taken, a pint of good sound ale may be taken daily with advantage, if it agree with the stomach.

Regular exercise in the open air is of the greatest importance, as it has an extraordinary influence in promoting the secretion of healthy milk. Early after leaving the lying-in room, carriage exercise, where it can be obtained, is to be preferred, to be exchanged, in a week or so, for horse exercise, or the daily walk. The tepid, or cold salt-water shower bath, should be used every morning; but if it cannot be borne, sponging the body withsalt-water must be substituted.

By adopting with perseverance the foregoing plan, a breast of milk will be obtained as ample in quantity, and good in quality, as the constitution of the parent can produce, as the following case proves:

I attended a lady twenty-four years of age, a delicate, but healthy woman, in her first confinement. The labour was good. Every thing went on well for the first week, except that, although the breasts became enlarged, and promised a good supply of nourishment for the infant, at its close there was merely a little oozing from the nipple. During the next fortnight a slight, but very gradual increase in quantity took place, so that a dessert spoonful only was obtained about the middle of this period, and perhaps double this quantity at its expiration. In the mean time the child was necessarily fed upon an artificial diet, and as a consequence its bowels became deranged, and a severe diarrhoea followed.

For three or four days it was a question whether the little one would live, for so greatly had it been reduced by the looseness of the bowels that it had not strength to grasp the nipple of its nurse; the milk, therefore, was obliged to be drawn, and the child fed with it from a spoon. After the lapse of a few days, however, it could obtain the breast-milk for itself; and, to make short of the case, during the same month, the mother and child returned home, the former having a very fair proportion of healthy milk in her bosom, and the child perfectly recovered and evidently thriving fast upon it.

Where, however, there has been an early deficiency in the supply of nourishment, it will most frequently happen that, before the sixth or seventh month, the infant's demands will be greater than the mother can meet. The deficiency must be made up by artificial food, which must be of a kind generally employed before the sixth month, and given through the bottle.
About The Deficiency Of Breast Milk
By: Dave Deane

Parenting Tips for Young Parents

Everyone has tips for new parents but nor everyone knows what is best for that families situation. Some parents try to get help from an outside source like some of the agencies that are out there to help out others. The only problem is that some of them that are giving out the advice have no children of their own.

Some people that are asked advice should really not be giving tips because their tips may have not worked in their own family. So why do they think it would work in someone else's? Or it could be the opposite of where it worked in theirs but not in another family. It makes it hard to get or give parenting tips because every situation is different.

The best tips that have been heard so far is that you do not have to explain yourself to your kids. Another one would be do not get into yelling battles with your kids because neither of you will get anywhere with it and do not give in to them about what you say needs done and what they feel that they need to know what will happen if it does get done in a timely matter.

No matter how you would go about it you need to hold your ground in what you believe is the right way. Don't let others control what you say needs to be done and how it needs to be done. Plus you need to stick with what you say will be the consequences if something is not done to you satisfaction.

Just like if you say that they are not allowed to go somewhere or do something you would need to stick to what you say or they will walk all over you. And you may be able to give a little when things are done to your satisfaction and beyond with out asking to be done. One thing you could do is give an allowance if they do the work without being asked and if they do more than asked then give a little extra. Most of all just sit down and let the kids know what you want them to do for you.

6 Vital Points To Choose Baby Names Wisely

Choosing the right name from birth has an important impact on a person's life. It's about choosing an identity for your baby. Ever heard about the association of a person's name with his personality? A name molds a person's character like a cookie-cutter, and this holds true to varying degree in different cultures. So, better get that best baby name for your son or daughter.

Here are some tips on how to confer that best baby name for your little love.

1. Meanings, meanings, meanings

You certainly don't want your baby to be stuck with a name that will forever ridicule him or will allow his playmates to make a big laughing stock out of him. Learn the meaning of the baby name you are eyeing to give to your baby. Don't think Beelzebub is a prospective baby name just because you heard it from a TV show and you find it cute. Just plainly saying yes to your gut feel, trying to follow a fad by naming your baby a certain celebrity's (sometimes notorious) or NOT THINKING AT ALL in giving your precious one his or her baby name are definite no-nos!

2. Don't Get Too Creative

Don't go for the overkill. Being too creative on thinking of a baby name can backfire. Examples are too unique spellings. It will be hard for the kid to keep on spelling his or her name to people who only know the familiar spelling of such name.

3. Two Heads Are Better Than One

Discuss with your partner when choosing the best baby name for your adorable baby. It wouldn't be nice to always get blamed when people ask who chose that terrible baby name. Sharing on this kind of decision-making is a good way of furthering your bond as a pair, not to mention the possibility of coming up with a better baby name.

4. Think On Your Own

Choosing the right baby name does not have to always rely on what your elderly relatives think to be the best baby name. It is your baby's name, not theirs. Once your baby is born he will be stuck with that baby name for life. That means it's not sensible to just settle for any baby name that will match your grandma's or auntie's taste.

5. Be Careful With Initials

Consider reading the initials of the baby name you are planning to give your baby. Be certain they don't stand for something hilarious, disturbing or something totally silly. Christine Sue Irving? What will happen on the next episode of CSI? Alvin Stephen Stuart? He'll surely remember not to get near any hole. Fran Ursula Catherine Klein? Uh-oh! Can you picture the sickening situation you may put your baby into when he or she grows up?

6. How About Your Family Tree

Go verify your family tree once and for all. Some can't still get away from some traditions about baby name decisions, especially when they have a special link with a certain family member that they want that person's name to be a part of their baby's name. If you're planning to follow the tradition of putting a part of your elder relatives' names on your baby's name, you have to know whether anybody else in your family use that name too. Ask around.

The above are some of the vital points that should be considered in your quest for the perfect baby name. You might find them a bit demanding. But in the long run, you'll see that doing your research will make your baby thank you when the right time comes.