It’s been said that the only constant in our world today is change. As we look back over our marriage to this point, we would have to agree.
We have faced our fair share of uncertainty, surprises and transitions. In a period of just eight years, we experienced:
* A move into our dream home, which Denise had designed
* The loss of this home, along with a business
* Three forced changes of careers
* A move away from our family and friends in Northern Ontario to Toronto then to Vancouver
* The loss of Denise’s father to leukemia in 6 weeks
The words “imposed change” were part of the fabric of our life, and on the stress scale, we should not have made it as a couple.
Coping with change is never easy. Most of us resist it, because we are comfortable and secure in our world as we know it. And yet, if change is an inevitable reality of life (and it is), then we’d better be prepared to respond when the unexpected comes knocking on our door.
We’d like to share with you some principles for dealing with change, which we developed as we moved through these experiences. Because change comes in countless different forms, every situation is unique. Nevertheless, these lessons will be helpful for you to keep in mind and adapt to whatever circumstances you may face.
1. Recognize That You are in Change
As we have said, most of us have a natural aversion to change. We have a tendency to want to stick our heads in the sand and hope that it will go away by the time we come up for air.
This strategy may provide short-term relief, but it never helps in the long-run. Denial does not make our problems disappear; instead it usually makes things worse by giving us less time to think through a reasoned response. Instead, when unexpected circumstances arise, it is best to face them head on.
2. Honestly Face Your Fears
Not every person has the same tolerance to risk. Some adventurous souls actually relish the adventure of new situations. Others like their life exactly as it is: nice and predictable. For these people, the idea of change produces fear. We recommend developing an accountability relationship with another person. An accountability partner can give you the encouragement you need to press on.
3. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
John Kotter, Management Consultant and Author, writes that one error leaders make during times of change is that they underestimate the issue of communication by a factor of 10. Certainly the same is true of couples. In order to successfully navigate change as a couple, it is vital that you be on the same page with one another. You need to know how your spouse feels about the impending transition. You also need one another’s wisdom and ideas as you explore all of your options.
If you are approaching a major change in your life, set aside a special date night to talk through the issues with your spouse. Coping with change is difficult enough when we are united; it is much harder when we are pulling in different directions.
4. Take Stock of Your Resources
Anytime unforeseen circumstances arise, a key step is to evaluate the resources you have at your disposal as you deal with the issue. Depending on the specific situation you are facing, your relevant resources could include finances, time, skills, or even other people in your life that can help you through the adjustment.
At times, change might require you to make some tough decisions, like perhaps re-working your budget. For us, it meant the sale of our dream home, to pay off debt. You may need to seek some outside counsel from someone on this.
5. Anticipate Stress
Change is rarely easy; it is often a source of great stress. To make matters worse, you and your spouse may deal with it completely differently. We would suggest that both of you obtain an assessment on your individual styles and how you each handle stress. This will help you to understand one another’s stress reactions and will enable you to work together more effectively.
Times of intense pressure can either pull you together or push you apart. Stress will come, and you need to ensure that it does not divide and conquer.
Related Reading:
Enthusiastically Embrace Change
A Different Road
~Bruce Gordon has been involved in a number of organizations in ownership and senior administrative positions. He is an advisor on the Birkman Method for Leadership Development to the President of Campus Crusade for Christ International and a senior advisor to Dr. Roger Birkman, Birkman International Inc. He is also a senior resource on leadership transition to Power To Change Ministries. Bruce and his wife Denise speak at Family Life Marriage Conferences.
Monday 13 April 2009
Advice: Help, the passion is gone
Question: Sometimes it feels like my husband and I are more like roommates than lovers. We still get along fine, but the sizzle has disappeared from our relationship. How do we get out of this rut?
Donalyn: Well first of all, we've been there a number of times. The worst of these periods of disconnection was dissimilar to what you have described, because we weren't even getting along anymore. At our lowest point, we weren't even friends anymore. So, Dave and I have a number of vantage points to draw from when it comes to “just sharing space” together.
Dave: Not fun memories to be sure. The heart of the issue has to do with the lack of priority that has been given to the relationship. You wouldn't ever admit this at first, nor do you intentionally take the relationship casually. But you get busy, work demands steal hours, kids come along and make you busier still, other good but time-consuming activities take precedence and bingo, there's no real time left to connect with your mate. You can't romance in a vacuum.
Donalyn: Actual time together, with each other and for each other is what gets lost.
Dave: That's right. As well, there are many other variables in our lives that make it too easy to slide into this rut. You get a lot of ego strokes for doing well at work. Success is so easy to justify because you are really doing it “for the family”. Meanwhile, there is less time at home. An unbalanced preoccupation with the children's agenda at the expense of couple time is also very common. It is important to spend time with kids and to support them in their sports, their music, and their other pursuits. But, as noble as it sounds to be super-committed to your children, the best long-term gift you can give them is a strong and vibrant marriage. They blossom in the security and stability provided by a mom and dad who are close and connected. All kinds of activities vie for your time with your mate, and they often win out.
Donalyn: You really just take each other for granted, assuming that the relationship can handle the neglect. After all, you are married and committed to each other. Well, the relationship erodes slowly at first, but soon the distance between you increases, and you wake up one morning with the sense that there's not much happening between you. You are in a rut that you don't like, and you feel more like roommates than a married couple. When you get to this point, you've actually taken a big step toward recovery if you can just admit it to yourself and make a decision to turn it around.
Dave: The place to start is to agree to have a discussion with your spouse about your relationship. At that time, you should openly acknowledge the emotional void you are feeling and your desire to try to improve things. Be sure to hear them out to find out where they are. Agree that both of you are responsible to take steps to re-ignite the flame.
Donalyn: Romance is a decision. You must take the initiative to begin to make changes. As the wife, when you decide to become more romantic and take the time to plan fun, friendship-building times together, you will find that your own desire to reconnect as both friends and lovers actually returns. I'll bet you'll find he will have a growing interest here too, if you know what I mean.
Dave: Yes, I do know what you mean. There are things that the husband needs to be adjusting too. Start appreciating your wife. Express your gratitude for what she does for you. Encourage her with your words. If needed, and it often is, apologize for things said and done that were insensitive. Men, admit if you haven't been making the relationship a priority and ask her to give you a chance to change things. Take time to talk but spend more time listening.
Donalyn: Let him know that you are NOT roommates and don't want to be. Start daily with little things: encouraging words, lots of hugs, tender touching, gentle backrubs, and some slow, long kissing – all away from the bedroom. Look into his eyes when he's talking to you. Tease him, laugh with him, compliment him, and have fun with him. Decide to be delightful and endearing rather than a negative, critical pain to be avoided. Do everything you can to let him know that you care for him and want to be together.
Dave: Much of what Donalyn said goes both ways. Ask yourself, men, how have you expressed to her that she is a priority? When was the last time you had a night out? Agree to set at least a biweekly date night. Make no excuse not to keep it. Most men are not the romantic type. If you are, count your blessing. For the majority who are as sensitive as crash-test dummies, here are a few more suggestions.
Donalyn: Let me start. Plan your date times, arrange special dinners at home, and leave notes in places that he'll see them. Say “I love you” frequently, send flowers with a note of appreciation to his work, and send a suggestive e-mail to his private e-mail address. Try being naked under the covers when he gets into bed!
Dave: Okay, so I know we're not roommates…and I like it. For the woman's needs, husbands, don't stop at being anything less than her best friend. If she can feel safe with you and know that you cherish her, she will be drawn to you in every way. Frankly, sex is good when the relationship is great.
Donalyn: Oh, I forgot to say one more thing…get something new and sexy to wear to bed.
Dave: We wouldn't want to forget that now, would we men? Remember, for the woman, marital intimacy – real emotional connectedness – comes through being valued, through time spent together, through talking and sharing, and through special acts of thoughtfulness. Write the notes. Buy the flowers. Tell her often that you love her. Do things that let her know that you were thinking about her when you weren't with her. Plan some intrigue into an evening that takes some work to set up. She will appreciate the effort immensely.
Donalyn: Use your imagination. Surprise each other. Do special things for the other that you know they'll notice and enjoy. Make the time to be alone together. Talk about the things you love about each other. The point is, once you get yourself into the planning and scheming mode of romance and truly want to be much more than roommates, you start doing whatever you can to please your mate. When you do this, the desire for a growing romantic intimacy with one another will really grow.
Dave: If you haven't caught our drift yet, it's about unselfishly putting your mate and your relationship first. That is God's plan. That's why you'll find that it works!
More on relationships:
I didn't want to be a divorce statistic
How to write a love letter
Do you have a question for Dave and Donalyn? Please keep your question as general as possible, so that it can be answered in a future Q&A article.
~ Dave and Donalyn Currie have 2 married children and 2 teens at home in British Columbia. Dave is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. With over 25 years of college and pastoral ministry, the Curries bring a wealth of experience in conference speaking, premarital preparation and Marriage and Family Counseling.
Whether your marriage is a sappy romance, a tear-jerking drama or a horror show, the FamilyLife Marriage Conference can give you the tools you need to turn it into an Oscar contender! This could be the year that changes everything. Join us at a Family Life conference!
Donalyn: Well first of all, we've been there a number of times. The worst of these periods of disconnection was dissimilar to what you have described, because we weren't even getting along anymore. At our lowest point, we weren't even friends anymore. So, Dave and I have a number of vantage points to draw from when it comes to “just sharing space” together.
Dave: Not fun memories to be sure. The heart of the issue has to do with the lack of priority that has been given to the relationship. You wouldn't ever admit this at first, nor do you intentionally take the relationship casually. But you get busy, work demands steal hours, kids come along and make you busier still, other good but time-consuming activities take precedence and bingo, there's no real time left to connect with your mate. You can't romance in a vacuum.
Donalyn: Actual time together, with each other and for each other is what gets lost.
Dave: That's right. As well, there are many other variables in our lives that make it too easy to slide into this rut. You get a lot of ego strokes for doing well at work. Success is so easy to justify because you are really doing it “for the family”. Meanwhile, there is less time at home. An unbalanced preoccupation with the children's agenda at the expense of couple time is also very common. It is important to spend time with kids and to support them in their sports, their music, and their other pursuits. But, as noble as it sounds to be super-committed to your children, the best long-term gift you can give them is a strong and vibrant marriage. They blossom in the security and stability provided by a mom and dad who are close and connected. All kinds of activities vie for your time with your mate, and they often win out.
Donalyn: You really just take each other for granted, assuming that the relationship can handle the neglect. After all, you are married and committed to each other. Well, the relationship erodes slowly at first, but soon the distance between you increases, and you wake up one morning with the sense that there's not much happening between you. You are in a rut that you don't like, and you feel more like roommates than a married couple. When you get to this point, you've actually taken a big step toward recovery if you can just admit it to yourself and make a decision to turn it around.
Dave: The place to start is to agree to have a discussion with your spouse about your relationship. At that time, you should openly acknowledge the emotional void you are feeling and your desire to try to improve things. Be sure to hear them out to find out where they are. Agree that both of you are responsible to take steps to re-ignite the flame.
Donalyn: Romance is a decision. You must take the initiative to begin to make changes. As the wife, when you decide to become more romantic and take the time to plan fun, friendship-building times together, you will find that your own desire to reconnect as both friends and lovers actually returns. I'll bet you'll find he will have a growing interest here too, if you know what I mean.
Dave: Yes, I do know what you mean. There are things that the husband needs to be adjusting too. Start appreciating your wife. Express your gratitude for what she does for you. Encourage her with your words. If needed, and it often is, apologize for things said and done that were insensitive. Men, admit if you haven't been making the relationship a priority and ask her to give you a chance to change things. Take time to talk but spend more time listening.
Donalyn: Let him know that you are NOT roommates and don't want to be. Start daily with little things: encouraging words, lots of hugs, tender touching, gentle backrubs, and some slow, long kissing – all away from the bedroom. Look into his eyes when he's talking to you. Tease him, laugh with him, compliment him, and have fun with him. Decide to be delightful and endearing rather than a negative, critical pain to be avoided. Do everything you can to let him know that you care for him and want to be together.
Dave: Much of what Donalyn said goes both ways. Ask yourself, men, how have you expressed to her that she is a priority? When was the last time you had a night out? Agree to set at least a biweekly date night. Make no excuse not to keep it. Most men are not the romantic type. If you are, count your blessing. For the majority who are as sensitive as crash-test dummies, here are a few more suggestions.
Donalyn: Let me start. Plan your date times, arrange special dinners at home, and leave notes in places that he'll see them. Say “I love you” frequently, send flowers with a note of appreciation to his work, and send a suggestive e-mail to his private e-mail address. Try being naked under the covers when he gets into bed!
Dave: Okay, so I know we're not roommates…and I like it. For the woman's needs, husbands, don't stop at being anything less than her best friend. If she can feel safe with you and know that you cherish her, she will be drawn to you in every way. Frankly, sex is good when the relationship is great.
Donalyn: Oh, I forgot to say one more thing…get something new and sexy to wear to bed.
Dave: We wouldn't want to forget that now, would we men? Remember, for the woman, marital intimacy – real emotional connectedness – comes through being valued, through time spent together, through talking and sharing, and through special acts of thoughtfulness. Write the notes. Buy the flowers. Tell her often that you love her. Do things that let her know that you were thinking about her when you weren't with her. Plan some intrigue into an evening that takes some work to set up. She will appreciate the effort immensely.
Donalyn: Use your imagination. Surprise each other. Do special things for the other that you know they'll notice and enjoy. Make the time to be alone together. Talk about the things you love about each other. The point is, once you get yourself into the planning and scheming mode of romance and truly want to be much more than roommates, you start doing whatever you can to please your mate. When you do this, the desire for a growing romantic intimacy with one another will really grow.
Dave: If you haven't caught our drift yet, it's about unselfishly putting your mate and your relationship first. That is God's plan. That's why you'll find that it works!
More on relationships:
I didn't want to be a divorce statistic
How to write a love letter
Do you have a question for Dave and Donalyn? Please keep your question as general as possible, so that it can be answered in a future Q&A article.
~ Dave and Donalyn Currie have 2 married children and 2 teens at home in British Columbia. Dave is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. With over 25 years of college and pastoral ministry, the Curries bring a wealth of experience in conference speaking, premarital preparation and Marriage and Family Counseling.
Whether your marriage is a sappy romance, a tear-jerking drama or a horror show, the FamilyLife Marriage Conference can give you the tools you need to turn it into an Oscar contender! This could be the year that changes everything. Join us at a Family Life conference!
You're Not Listening
Have you ever been accused of not listening? As hard as we try to listen, we're afraid that at times we're both guilty of not listening. Not listening plays a big part in problem marriages. Counselors hear over and over again statements like: "He never listens to me." or "She doesn't understand how I feel."
If poor listening is a sign of a troubled marriage, then good listening is a characteristic of a healthy marriage. When others say, "Hey, tell me more!" and really listen to us, we feel important, understood, and accepted.
Good listening improves relationships. Here's an action point for you. Determine today to improve your listening I.Q. Remember these tips:
1. Empathize; don't criticize. Unsolicited advice may be considered criticism!
2. Give your mate full attention when he or she is talking. Often when our mate is talking, we're either thinking about what we're going to say next or we're paying attention to something else, like preparing
dinner or watching TV.
3. Listen for feelings, but don't judge them. They are simply how your mate feels. That's valuable information for you. Don't say, "You can't feel that way!" Instead, mirror back, "Did I understand, is this how you feel?. . ."
4. Don't interrupt, You'll get your turn. And you can listen best with your mouth closed.
Remember, practice makes perfect. Plan the time in your schedule today to listen to the one you love.
For more information on enriching your relationships, visit Family Life or check out up coming Family Life conferences:
American Schedule
More Relationships:
Are you using guilt as a weapon?
Looking for love in all the wrong places
Ten ways to make love last
~ David and Claudia Arp, MSW, founders of Marriage Alive Seminars, are marriage educators, columnists and authors of numerous books and small group video curriculum including The Second Half of Marriage and 10 Great Dates (Zondervan) Website: www.marriagealive.com
For upcoming Marriage Alive events visit Marriage Alive
If poor listening is a sign of a troubled marriage, then good listening is a characteristic of a healthy marriage. When others say, "Hey, tell me more!" and really listen to us, we feel important, understood, and accepted.
Good listening improves relationships. Here's an action point for you. Determine today to improve your listening I.Q. Remember these tips:
1. Empathize; don't criticize. Unsolicited advice may be considered criticism!
2. Give your mate full attention when he or she is talking. Often when our mate is talking, we're either thinking about what we're going to say next or we're paying attention to something else, like preparing
dinner or watching TV.
3. Listen for feelings, but don't judge them. They are simply how your mate feels. That's valuable information for you. Don't say, "You can't feel that way!" Instead, mirror back, "Did I understand, is this how you feel?. . ."
4. Don't interrupt, You'll get your turn. And you can listen best with your mouth closed.
Remember, practice makes perfect. Plan the time in your schedule today to listen to the one you love.
For more information on enriching your relationships, visit Family Life or check out up coming Family Life conferences:
American Schedule
More Relationships:
Are you using guilt as a weapon?
Looking for love in all the wrong places
Ten ways to make love last
~ David and Claudia Arp, MSW, founders of Marriage Alive Seminars, are marriage educators, columnists and authors of numerous books and small group video curriculum including The Second Half of Marriage and 10 Great Dates (Zondervan) Website: www.marriagealive.com
For upcoming Marriage Alive events visit Marriage Alive
Love For a Lifetime
The greatest need humans have is to love and be loved. All of my life, I've wrestled with that need.
As a child, I grew up in a stable home environment and for the most part, I was happy. But I never felt I measured up or merited my dad's love and approval. My dad was strict, and had high expectations of his children. I'd drive myself to be as perfect as I could be, to get A's in school, to be obedient, even to the point that my other siblings labeled me the "goody two-shoes" of our family. My dad wanted an orderly home and family life. I don't doubt now that he did love me, but I didn't always feel loved in that relationship.
In high school, I fell in love with a guy named Mike. I convinced my family to attend his church, I worked in student government with him, I missed him the summer he went to Switzerland on a student exchange. We even ended up going to the same university. I so desperately wanted him to feel the same love for me, but while we were friends, he was also interested in dating others. I did a lot of crying over this guy. The good news is that I did eventually marry him.
Finally, I had my dream-come-true in marriage…right?? The first two years, I realized that Mike didn't just want to sit home with me and spend quality time together. He was a very active, people-oriented guy, who either wanted to go out and socialize or else bring lots of people into our home. I, on the other hand, wanted to spend time just with Mike, to know he loved me. I wanted quiet, romantic evenings together—he wanted to party!! I wanted him to put me first, to give me all the love I needed, but he didn't seem able to do that.
After two years, our son was born, followed by three daughters. I poured my love into our children. I had always loved kids. But these children were a handful 24 hours a day! I tried to be a supermom, but I was disillusioned with motherhood.
All I ever wanted was to love my dad, my husband and my children and have them return that love. They gave me what love they had but it just wasn't enough. None of them could meet my need for unconditional love.
Not that I was the greatest source of unconditional love, myself! I had a hard time loving my dad when I didn't agree with him. And when my husband didn't spend as much time with me as I wished he would, did I still love him unconditionally? No, I was too centered on my own needs. I still get angry at the kids when they mess up the house or don't do the dishes.
I would like to encourage you with the fact that my relationship with my dad has improved, I'm thoroughly in love with my husband and I'm excited about being a mom. How is this possible? I believe the answer goes back to when I was 12 years old.
I have always believed in God and when I realized He loved me just as I am, I knew I needed that kind of love. I also knew there was sin in my life. Sin was what wrecked my relationships with others because I was self-centered and I knew it. I wanted to be perfect as a child, but I wasn't able to do it. I needed a way to deal with my self-centeredness, to forgive others for their selfishness and get on with my life.
But what was I to do with this sin I wanted to get rid of? I learned that I need to confess it to God and He'd forgive me and cleanse me inside, based on Jesus' death on the cross. No one else volunteered to give His life so that my sins could be forgiven, except Jesus. This was the freedom I was looking for!
It was my choice. I could accept Jesus as my Savior from sin or I could continue to try doing it on my own. At 12 years old, it was an offer too good to turn down. And 29 years later, I still feel the same way.
I still want love from my dad, husband and kids. But I'm not dependent on them for the unconditional love I need. Only God can give me that kind of love. And knowing God, the source of real love, frees me to love others.
Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.
If you have a question first, click here.
~Karen, her husband Mike and their four children make their home on Canada's west coast. In her spare time, Karen enjoys reading and playing volleyball.
For Richer, For Poorer
You've fallen in love. And now you're planning on spending the rest of your life with that special someone. As you hold each other's hands you'll discuss how many children to have, what you'll do with your careers and even what your perfect house looks like. While it's important to share those thoughts, you don't want to forget a subject that is a major cause of failed marriages.
An important element of any successful marriage is the ability to handle money together. And that can be a challenge. Think about it for a moment. If you put any two people together you can almost bet that their views on money will differ. One may look at money as a way to buy things. To another money equals status. Still others seem to go through life without any real regard for money. And that's not surprising. We relate to money uniquely due to a number of different influences in our lives. Everything from our childhood experiences to our philosophy on life will impact the way we use and view money. Each of us will make financial decisions based on a framework that seems logical to us.
Why is that important for engaged couples? Because during the course of a marriage many choices that are made will be effected by each person's outlook on money. Many disagreements that seem to be about one issue will actually be about the way money is viewed. Unless the underlying problem is realized, it is difficult to resolve the argument.
Let's look at some practical steps that newlyweds can take to help put a firm financial foundation under the marriage to come.
1. Explore how each person feels about money. It doesn't need to be Harvard MBA type questions. Just ask your mate how money affected their childhood. Did they feel particularly rich or poor? Perhaps they felt that their parents were trying to buy affection. Just get an idea of what role money played in their families at that age.
2. Talk about your current ideas about money. Do you have a fear of having too little (or too much) money? Is money something that you'd rather not discuss? You might spend a lot of time thinking about money or perhaps never think of it at all. Share your feelings with each other.
3. Define what constitutes a major purchase. For some people and budget situations an unplanned $10 expense is a big deal. Other people think nothing of putting a couple of hundred dollars on their charge card if the timing seems right. At what level is it appropriate to consult the other before making a purchase? All this information will be useful later in your marriage. When your partner comes home with an unexpected purchase or gets excited over a small increase in the phone bill, you'll have a better understanding of what the real issues are. It might not be that long distance call to your mother that's the problem. It could be a fear that you won't have enough money for the rent.
4. Discuss joint checking and savings accounts. Will you share one set of accounts or try to keep your finances separate? This can be an emotional issue for many couples. For some, joint assets are a way of signaling their commitment to the marriage. For others, having a checkbook that they alone control is a sign of self-worth that they won't want to relinquish.
5. Consider how debt will affect your finances. One or both partners might bring debts, alimony or child support payments to the marriage. Decide how you'll handle those costs before the wedding bells ring. It might even be a good idea to have a lawyer review your plans to make sure that one partner is not assuming liabilities from the other needlessly.
6. Decide who will be responsible for paying the bills and balancing the checkbook. If possible, you might want to consider splitting those responsibilities. That way both partners will have a working knowledge of the family finances. It's also advisable for both husband and wife to sit down once a month and review financial affairs. In many cases you'll be able to solve problems before they become big blow-ups later on.
7. Consider whether you want to make any changes in your wills or IRA's. The inheritance plans that were in place as a single person are unlikely to work well after you're married. A new plan is required. This is especially true in the case of blended families. Decisions on inheritance and guardianship need to be considered carefully. If you die without a will the government will decide where your money and children go. There's a good chance that they'll make a different decision that you would. Not updating your will can be costly. A person who has been divorced and remarried faces a unique danger. A will made during the earlier marriage could leave all your assets to your first spouse if you should die without creating a new will. Even if you ended the earlier marriage on friendly terms, that could prove to be quite a surprise to your current spouse.
The months preceding the wedding are a busy time for most couples. Even if you don't plan a big wedding, there are a lot of things that will demand your attention. And many will have urgent deadlines. Don't forget to spend a little time talking about the unromantic subject of money. After all, it's a key element to helping you keep that 'till death do us part' promise you'll be making soon.
More articles for newly-weds:
Love of a lifetime
Learn to Listen
~Gary is a former Certified Financial Planner who currently edits the Dollar Stretcher. You'll find hundreds of free articles to save you time and money. Visit Today!
An important element of any successful marriage is the ability to handle money together. And that can be a challenge. Think about it for a moment. If you put any two people together you can almost bet that their views on money will differ. One may look at money as a way to buy things. To another money equals status. Still others seem to go through life without any real regard for money. And that's not surprising. We relate to money uniquely due to a number of different influences in our lives. Everything from our childhood experiences to our philosophy on life will impact the way we use and view money. Each of us will make financial decisions based on a framework that seems logical to us.
Why is that important for engaged couples? Because during the course of a marriage many choices that are made will be effected by each person's outlook on money. Many disagreements that seem to be about one issue will actually be about the way money is viewed. Unless the underlying problem is realized, it is difficult to resolve the argument.
Let's look at some practical steps that newlyweds can take to help put a firm financial foundation under the marriage to come.
1. Explore how each person feels about money. It doesn't need to be Harvard MBA type questions. Just ask your mate how money affected their childhood. Did they feel particularly rich or poor? Perhaps they felt that their parents were trying to buy affection. Just get an idea of what role money played in their families at that age.
2. Talk about your current ideas about money. Do you have a fear of having too little (or too much) money? Is money something that you'd rather not discuss? You might spend a lot of time thinking about money or perhaps never think of it at all. Share your feelings with each other.
3. Define what constitutes a major purchase. For some people and budget situations an unplanned $10 expense is a big deal. Other people think nothing of putting a couple of hundred dollars on their charge card if the timing seems right. At what level is it appropriate to consult the other before making a purchase? All this information will be useful later in your marriage. When your partner comes home with an unexpected purchase or gets excited over a small increase in the phone bill, you'll have a better understanding of what the real issues are. It might not be that long distance call to your mother that's the problem. It could be a fear that you won't have enough money for the rent.
4. Discuss joint checking and savings accounts. Will you share one set of accounts or try to keep your finances separate? This can be an emotional issue for many couples. For some, joint assets are a way of signaling their commitment to the marriage. For others, having a checkbook that they alone control is a sign of self-worth that they won't want to relinquish.
5. Consider how debt will affect your finances. One or both partners might bring debts, alimony or child support payments to the marriage. Decide how you'll handle those costs before the wedding bells ring. It might even be a good idea to have a lawyer review your plans to make sure that one partner is not assuming liabilities from the other needlessly.
6. Decide who will be responsible for paying the bills and balancing the checkbook. If possible, you might want to consider splitting those responsibilities. That way both partners will have a working knowledge of the family finances. It's also advisable for both husband and wife to sit down once a month and review financial affairs. In many cases you'll be able to solve problems before they become big blow-ups later on.
7. Consider whether you want to make any changes in your wills or IRA's. The inheritance plans that were in place as a single person are unlikely to work well after you're married. A new plan is required. This is especially true in the case of blended families. Decisions on inheritance and guardianship need to be considered carefully. If you die without a will the government will decide where your money and children go. There's a good chance that they'll make a different decision that you would. Not updating your will can be costly. A person who has been divorced and remarried faces a unique danger. A will made during the earlier marriage could leave all your assets to your first spouse if you should die without creating a new will. Even if you ended the earlier marriage on friendly terms, that could prove to be quite a surprise to your current spouse.
The months preceding the wedding are a busy time for most couples. Even if you don't plan a big wedding, there are a lot of things that will demand your attention. And many will have urgent deadlines. Don't forget to spend a little time talking about the unromantic subject of money. After all, it's a key element to helping you keep that 'till death do us part' promise you'll be making soon.
More articles for newly-weds:
Love of a lifetime
Learn to Listen
~Gary is a former Certified Financial Planner who currently edits the Dollar Stretcher. You'll find hundreds of free articles to save you time and money. Visit Today!
That First Kiss
Do you still remember your first kiss? Mine was unforgettable, because it was so public and so cheeky. I still blush when I think of it.
I was in grade one - in those days in South Africa, it was called Sub A. The Middle School in Ugie had organized a school concert. Not just any concert, I tell you. It was the celebration of some high point or other in the school's history. The main attraction for this event, was an hour-long performance by the littlest kids in the school.
The main character, a fairy princess, was played by the daughter of the richest man in town. Yes, Barbara definitely was as pretty as a fairy princess. All the boys in my class were madly in love with her. But her world was very different from the orphanage we grew up in. We could only dream about her, and admire her from afar.
I played the role of the chimney-sweep: a coal-covered, tattered, mischievous scoundrel with a particularly witty tongue. Barbara and I practiced together for months on end. Initially I believed Barbara got the heeby-jeebies every time she had to come in contact with soot-covered me. But as the months passed, we got to know each other better. I discovered that the fairy princess with her porcelain body and beautiful dresses, had a heart too.
The closest I got to her during the performance was to help her get out of her carriage. Every time her hand got black and dirty from touching mine, she shuddered. I was quite relieved when I realized her shivers were simply part of her act, and got the distinct impression that she didn't really mind touching my hand.
After months of practice, we put on a preview in front of the school. It went so well that we received invitations from neighboring towns.
During this time, my relationship with Barbara took shape. We were much more comfortable with each other now, even on stage. The other boys started making fun of us, but it was a small price to pay for Barbara's favor.
The evening of the grand finale arrived: we had to perform in front of everyone we knew. The school hall in Ugie was packed - the show was sold out - and we acted like true professionals.
From the audience's reaction, we knew the beauty of the fairy princess and the humor of the chimney-sweep had stolen every heart. (Speaking about stolen hearts: at the time, I was convinced Barbara was the only woman for me.)
During the final scene, the fairy princess had to hug the chimney-sweep and kiss him on the forehead - the cleanest spot on his sooty face. When the curtains closed, the applause was overwhelming. When they opened again, we curtsied politely. Hand in hand, Barbara and I bowed until our foreheads almost touched the stage. Again, there was loud applause, and the curtains closed for the last time.
Barbara and I were so relieved everything was over that we looked into each others' eyes and smiled. It was then that the rascal in me jumped out. I took ahold of Barbara with both arms, pulled her tightly to my chest, and kissed her rosebud-mouth.
At that intimate moment, the curtains opened up again. There we stood, two grade one students still locked in a passionate embrace. A bewildered Barbara looked at the audience, sporting black lips. The cruel applause for this little scene was much louder than for the show itself.
Barbara, wherever you might be today: I hope you are just as happily married as I am. I couldn't wish you more happiness than this. And thank you for my first kiss.
~Although Solly Ozrovech came from a Jewish heritage, he grew up in a Christian orphanage in South Africa. He's a minister who has written numerous books. For several years, South African women enjoyed his column in the popular Sarie magazine. This article was translated and reprinted with permission from Sarie magazine. Check out their Web site (in Afrikaans).
I was in grade one - in those days in South Africa, it was called Sub A. The Middle School in Ugie had organized a school concert. Not just any concert, I tell you. It was the celebration of some high point or other in the school's history. The main attraction for this event, was an hour-long performance by the littlest kids in the school.
The main character, a fairy princess, was played by the daughter of the richest man in town. Yes, Barbara definitely was as pretty as a fairy princess. All the boys in my class were madly in love with her. But her world was very different from the orphanage we grew up in. We could only dream about her, and admire her from afar.
I played the role of the chimney-sweep: a coal-covered, tattered, mischievous scoundrel with a particularly witty tongue. Barbara and I practiced together for months on end. Initially I believed Barbara got the heeby-jeebies every time she had to come in contact with soot-covered me. But as the months passed, we got to know each other better. I discovered that the fairy princess with her porcelain body and beautiful dresses, had a heart too.
The closest I got to her during the performance was to help her get out of her carriage. Every time her hand got black and dirty from touching mine, she shuddered. I was quite relieved when I realized her shivers were simply part of her act, and got the distinct impression that she didn't really mind touching my hand.
After months of practice, we put on a preview in front of the school. It went so well that we received invitations from neighboring towns.
During this time, my relationship with Barbara took shape. We were much more comfortable with each other now, even on stage. The other boys started making fun of us, but it was a small price to pay for Barbara's favor.
The evening of the grand finale arrived: we had to perform in front of everyone we knew. The school hall in Ugie was packed - the show was sold out - and we acted like true professionals.
From the audience's reaction, we knew the beauty of the fairy princess and the humor of the chimney-sweep had stolen every heart. (Speaking about stolen hearts: at the time, I was convinced Barbara was the only woman for me.)
During the final scene, the fairy princess had to hug the chimney-sweep and kiss him on the forehead - the cleanest spot on his sooty face. When the curtains closed, the applause was overwhelming. When they opened again, we curtsied politely. Hand in hand, Barbara and I bowed until our foreheads almost touched the stage. Again, there was loud applause, and the curtains closed for the last time.
Barbara and I were so relieved everything was over that we looked into each others' eyes and smiled. It was then that the rascal in me jumped out. I took ahold of Barbara with both arms, pulled her tightly to my chest, and kissed her rosebud-mouth.
At that intimate moment, the curtains opened up again. There we stood, two grade one students still locked in a passionate embrace. A bewildered Barbara looked at the audience, sporting black lips. The cruel applause for this little scene was much louder than for the show itself.
Barbara, wherever you might be today: I hope you are just as happily married as I am. I couldn't wish you more happiness than this. And thank you for my first kiss.
~Although Solly Ozrovech came from a Jewish heritage, he grew up in a Christian orphanage in South Africa. He's a minister who has written numerous books. For several years, South African women enjoyed his column in the popular Sarie magazine. This article was translated and reprinted with permission from Sarie magazine. Check out their Web site (in Afrikaans).
Easter - Celebrating Love Without Limits
"No man is an Island, entire of itself" ~ John Donne
With world population well over six billion, it seems strange to think that anyone could be lonely. The Internet, cell phones, pagers and wireless devices are everywhere, but in this midst of all of this community, many of us still find ourselves alone. Our lives are crowded with people when what we crave is intimacy - the certain knowledge that someone is familiar with us, that someone knows who we are and cares about what happens to us.
Dr. Dean Ornish, a leading author on stress-management, sees loneliness as a legitimate threat to human health. He has been quoted as saying, "the real epidemic isn't physical heart disease. It' s spiritual heart disease - loneliness and isolation."1 On the Internet this sense of isolation is profound. We can talk to people around the world, but we're still sitting in front of a screen alone.
A Need to Belong
Loneliness, at its core, is a feeling of disconnection, a feeling that nobody loves us. All of us want to be loved. In the English language, we have only one word for this complex emotion. It is applied in so many places that we often avoid using the word for fear that we will be misunderstood. The Greeks, though, had a way to express the fact that we love different people in different ways.
Four Definitions of Love
They defined love in four categories, with a different word for each:
Storge is familial love. It is a strong bond of affection between people in a family unit.
Eros is romantic love - sweaty palms and butterflies in the stomach. This is a possessive and physical love.
Phileo is brotherly love, for which the American city of Philadelphia is named. This is the love we feel, or should feel, for our fellow man. It is empathy -- the ability to put ourselves ‘in another man's shoes.' It is appreciation, the acknowledgment of the value of the person or thing we have affection for.
Agape is pure love, selfless love. Love with no thought of personal gain, a conscious decision to give of yourself to another purely because you want them to be happy. We tend to think of love as a give and take. But agape is love without any thought of reward or benefit. Agape love is what Easter is all about.
Agape Love in Action
Two thousand years ago, a thirty-three- year-old Jewish carpenter was nailed to a wooden cross and left to die - crucified. His crime was unclear, yet his enemies were legion. Even his own people demanded his execution. Quietly, without complaint, he walked to the place of his death and accepted the pain and degradation of his punishment.
Why? Agape love - love without limits.
Jesus died to bring forgiveness for the sins of us all. His sacrifice, the truest accomplishment of agape love, paid the price for us and prepared the way for us to know God. This love is what we are celebrating on Easter - March 31st. Good Friday commemorates the day that Jesus was nailed to a cross and died, and Easter Sunday, three days later, commemorates the day he rose again.
Jesus loves us not because of what we are or what we can do for Him, but just because He does. He gave everything for us, so that we can be free from the hurts we carry and the mistakes we've made. His death guarantees forgiveness. His resurrection guarantees eternity. The answer to loneliness is a love that will truly last, an agape love. This Easter season let all of the symbols of new life – the eggs, the bunnies, the budding branches, the lambs - all remind you of the new life Jesus offers. Jesus is the permanent solution to loneliness. You can learn more about him at Journey of Joy.
RuthAnn Raycroft has a Master's Degree in English Literature from Cardiff University in Wales. She is the Publications and Communications Manager for the Society of Christian Schools in BC and continues to work as a freelance writer.
1. From Jeffrey Zaslow, USA WEEKEND, 02-08-1998, p. 030
Further Reading:
Who is Jesus?
Questions About Jesus
Questions About God and Christianity
With world population well over six billion, it seems strange to think that anyone could be lonely. The Internet, cell phones, pagers and wireless devices are everywhere, but in this midst of all of this community, many of us still find ourselves alone. Our lives are crowded with people when what we crave is intimacy - the certain knowledge that someone is familiar with us, that someone knows who we are and cares about what happens to us.
Dr. Dean Ornish, a leading author on stress-management, sees loneliness as a legitimate threat to human health. He has been quoted as saying, "the real epidemic isn't physical heart disease. It' s spiritual heart disease - loneliness and isolation."1 On the Internet this sense of isolation is profound. We can talk to people around the world, but we're still sitting in front of a screen alone.
A Need to Belong
Loneliness, at its core, is a feeling of disconnection, a feeling that nobody loves us. All of us want to be loved. In the English language, we have only one word for this complex emotion. It is applied in so many places that we often avoid using the word for fear that we will be misunderstood. The Greeks, though, had a way to express the fact that we love different people in different ways.
Four Definitions of Love
They defined love in four categories, with a different word for each:
Storge is familial love. It is a strong bond of affection between people in a family unit.
Eros is romantic love - sweaty palms and butterflies in the stomach. This is a possessive and physical love.
Phileo is brotherly love, for which the American city of Philadelphia is named. This is the love we feel, or should feel, for our fellow man. It is empathy -- the ability to put ourselves ‘in another man's shoes.' It is appreciation, the acknowledgment of the value of the person or thing we have affection for.
Agape is pure love, selfless love. Love with no thought of personal gain, a conscious decision to give of yourself to another purely because you want them to be happy. We tend to think of love as a give and take. But agape is love without any thought of reward or benefit. Agape love is what Easter is all about.
Agape Love in Action
Two thousand years ago, a thirty-three- year-old Jewish carpenter was nailed to a wooden cross and left to die - crucified. His crime was unclear, yet his enemies were legion. Even his own people demanded his execution. Quietly, without complaint, he walked to the place of his death and accepted the pain and degradation of his punishment.
Why? Agape love - love without limits.
Jesus died to bring forgiveness for the sins of us all. His sacrifice, the truest accomplishment of agape love, paid the price for us and prepared the way for us to know God. This love is what we are celebrating on Easter - March 31st. Good Friday commemorates the day that Jesus was nailed to a cross and died, and Easter Sunday, three days later, commemorates the day he rose again.
Jesus loves us not because of what we are or what we can do for Him, but just because He does. He gave everything for us, so that we can be free from the hurts we carry and the mistakes we've made. His death guarantees forgiveness. His resurrection guarantees eternity. The answer to loneliness is a love that will truly last, an agape love. This Easter season let all of the symbols of new life – the eggs, the bunnies, the budding branches, the lambs - all remind you of the new life Jesus offers. Jesus is the permanent solution to loneliness. You can learn more about him at Journey of Joy.
RuthAnn Raycroft has a Master's Degree in English Literature from Cardiff University in Wales. She is the Publications and Communications Manager for the Society of Christian Schools in BC and continues to work as a freelance writer.
1. From Jeffrey Zaslow, USA WEEKEND, 02-08-1998, p. 030
Further Reading:
Who is Jesus?
Questions About Jesus
Questions About God and Christianity
What Makes A Great Date
A prerequisite for a great date is that little four-letter-word, T-I-M-E! Time is our most precious commodity. Really, when you think about it, time is more valuable to a marriage than money.
And we each have twenty-four hours a day, no more, no less. But we know first hand how hard it is to find time for each other. Thank goodness, it's just hard -- not impossible! Consider the following time finders:
1. Tag other activities. Are you going to a couples study this week. Leave an hour earlier or come home an hour late. You've just found sixty minutes to date your mate!
2. Find time even when you're too tired to talk. Who says you have to always talk on a date? You can have an at home date after the children are in bed.
3. Don't talk. Don't do anything but cuddle on the couch. Enjoy the inexpressible joy that comes from feeling loved and safe with each other. The next morning, you'll be amazed at the couple chatter. Try it, it works for us!
4. Plan a middle of the night adventure. For the really adventuresome, set the alarm for the middle of the night!
5. Leave the TV off for 24 hours. If there is a national crisis, you'll hear about it soon enough. Use the time you would have spent watching television to date your mate.
6. Drive past the video store without stopping. While it's fun now and then to have a video date, videos can become habit forming and steal communication time. So the next time you're tempted to stop at the video store on the way home, don't. You've just freed up another evening!
It's up to you. You may never "find" the time to date your mate. But trust us, you can make the time. And time focused on each other will make your date great!
~ David and Claudia Arp, MSW, founders of Marriage Alive Seminars, are marriage educators, columnists and authors of numerous books and small group video curriculum including The Second Half of Marriage and 10 Great Dates (Zondervan) Website: www.marriagealive.com
For more information on enriching your marriage and family life, visit Family Life
Related articles:
Mutually Devoted
Be Good to Your Marriage
Make Time for Your Marriage
And we each have twenty-four hours a day, no more, no less. But we know first hand how hard it is to find time for each other. Thank goodness, it's just hard -- not impossible! Consider the following time finders:
1. Tag other activities. Are you going to a couples study this week. Leave an hour earlier or come home an hour late. You've just found sixty minutes to date your mate!
2. Find time even when you're too tired to talk. Who says you have to always talk on a date? You can have an at home date after the children are in bed.
3. Don't talk. Don't do anything but cuddle on the couch. Enjoy the inexpressible joy that comes from feeling loved and safe with each other. The next morning, you'll be amazed at the couple chatter. Try it, it works for us!
4. Plan a middle of the night adventure. For the really adventuresome, set the alarm for the middle of the night!
5. Leave the TV off for 24 hours. If there is a national crisis, you'll hear about it soon enough. Use the time you would have spent watching television to date your mate.
6. Drive past the video store without stopping. While it's fun now and then to have a video date, videos can become habit forming and steal communication time. So the next time you're tempted to stop at the video store on the way home, don't. You've just freed up another evening!
It's up to you. You may never "find" the time to date your mate. But trust us, you can make the time. And time focused on each other will make your date great!
~ David and Claudia Arp, MSW, founders of Marriage Alive Seminars, are marriage educators, columnists and authors of numerous books and small group video curriculum including The Second Half of Marriage and 10 Great Dates (Zondervan) Website: www.marriagealive.com
For more information on enriching your marriage and family life, visit Family Life
Related articles:
Mutually Devoted
Be Good to Your Marriage
Make Time for Your Marriage
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