Here is a great exercise for couples to try, which can greatly help enhance the intimacy in your relationship. Begin by reflecting on your current relationship. As you think about your relationship notice what thoughts, feelings and sensations arise within. Allow them to be there, without judging their nature in any way. Then put some attention on your current perceptions of your partner: good, bad or indifferent. Notice any blaming or limiting thoughts you may have about your partner, or what you perceive to be their shortcomings or character defects.
Now let us give you a splendid gift for your relationship. The gift starts with a recognition that unless we have chosen an abusive or chemically dependent partner, our perception of our partner is but a reflection of our own efforts at creating love. Our partner is the perfect mirror who gives us back what we give. When we find ourselves taking an inventory of our partner's defects, it is a sure sign that we are avoiding responsibility for what we have created and brought out in our partner. "But you don't understand! He really IS..." Alas, we cannot change our partner's character. But we can change the present and future quality of our relationship.
A powerful question to ask yourself is this: how would YOU act toward your partner if you thought they were the best partner for you in the whole world? That is, imagine that right now (whether you believe it or not!) the person you are dating or living together or married to the complete and total embodiment of what you perceive of as the perfect mate for you: the perfect personality, the perfect body, the perfect spiritual practice, whatever would be absolutely perfect for you. Next, think about how you would act toward this perfect partner. Would you be attentive? Aloof? Thoughtful? Distant? Affectionate? Sarcastic? Romantic? Crabby? Seductive? Would you rush home and turn on the TV or the computer? What events would you plan? What cards would you write? Make a list of all the things you would do, and how often you would do them.
In this little exercise lies one of the secrets to an everlasting love. The qualities that sustain an alive, loving, healthy intimate relationship over time are not the big gifts or splashy anniversary or holiday presents. Rather, love is enlivened and sustained by the small, repeated kindnesses that cost little in money or time but a great deal in terms of effort and thoughtfulness. So you want to unleash the highest loving potential of your partner? It's simple: for thirty days, do everything that you would do for your imaginary perfect partner with your current partner. Do everything on your list, and do it as often as you would with your perfect partner. Don't tell your partner what you are doing until a month has passed. By doing this exercise, you will give your partner, as well as your relationship, the best gift they could receive. In most cases, your partner will spontaneously begin to be more loving and thoughtful in return.
Why does this work? On a metaphysical level, it works because love begets love, and the energy of your unselfish acts resonates in the loving space of your partner. Service is a great spiritual practice, and serving the world begins at home. It also works on a more mundane level: because many of us practice ego-centered love, we withhold and will not give any more until we feel we have received enough to compensate us for our efforts in advance. Consciously or not, we keep score. But when we visualize that we are with the perfect partner who treats us in as ideal a manner as we could imagine, who intuitively understands our every need, we spontaneously feel like giving, like being loving and thoughtful, simply because we feel grateful and even lucky to be with this person. This exactly mirrors how we feel when we first fall in love: our heart opens wide, and being loving and thoughtful happens effortlessly. This gives us a wonderful vision of what is possible with this person we barely know.
The good news is that we can recover and revisit that vision by making a mindful, conscious effort to be loving and thoughtful. And that is why the visualization is actually a manifestation of the truth: the person who has chosen to be with us today, out of everyone else they could be with, is the best partner for us right now. We can honor and respect the fact that we have been brought together for a profound reason: this is the best partner for us to learn what we have to learn, as we are for them. Too often in intimate relationships we wait passively for our partner to act lovingly towards us, to give us a reason to act in a loving manner; or we wait for the presence of romantic feelings to give us a reason or permission to act in a loving manner. We remember in the beginning how we acted so lovingly when we felt such strong, intense feelings, and we wait for them to return. And if they don't, we assume we're incompatible, or that this is just not the right person for us. The truth, however, is that when the infatuation ends, the real relationship beings. And in the real relationship, true loving feelings are created by effortful loving acts, not the other way around. And when both people experience true loving feelings on a consistent basis, by consistently acting in a loving manner, there is no end to the spiral of love that can be created. So choose now to give your relationship a gift that truly keeps on giving every day of the year.
If you or your partner need help in learning how to give your relationship these type of loving gifts, we can help. Call (248) 546-0407 and ask how we can help you create a loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
Saturday 25 April 2009
How to Communicate in a Healthy, Constructive Manner
Research has shown that there is a structured communication format that can be very helpful for couples to communicate in a more healthy and constructive than they often do. This format is called by a variety of names, such as Active Listening or Mirroring. The basic elements of this communication format are shown below.
If you find that you are unable or unwilling to practice this format with your partner, you may need help from a professional who can help you understand what is causing the problems in your communication. Couples Therapy is very helpful in this case.
There are typically four major blocks to healthy communication which couples experience in their interactions:
1. Arguing or Withdrawing
2. Blaming and Accusing
3. Not Listening
4. Changing the Subject
By using these blocks to good communication, a couple virtually insures that they will not be able to resolve conflicts. Over time, these styles of communication will create resentment, distance and an unhappy relationship.
Fortunately, there are skills which can be learned by most couples, to substitute for each of these communication blocks. In this format, only one person speaks at a time, and the other person's job is purely to listen. Only when the first person is completely done talking does the other one begin expressing what they have to say.
Instead of arguing or withdrawing, couples can learn to:
1. SET THE STAGE FOR HEALTHY COMMUNICATION
For good communication to occur, it must be the right time and place. If either of you is too upset or distracted, the interaction will most likely end up with one of the above four communication blocks predominating the discussion. So if you know you or your partner is too upset to have a constructive conversation, do the following:
-Stop and cool down; leave the situation if necessary for a while
-Set a specific time and place to talk again
-Don't interrupt your partner; let them express
-Acknowledge your partner's concerns
Instead of Blaming and Accusing, couples can learn to:
2. USE "I" MESSAGES
When couples do a lot of blaming and accusing, they start many sentences to each other with words such as "you always..." or "you never...". Their partner is immediately put on the defensive when they hear a sentence beginning with the word "you".
A better method is to take responsibility for what you are feeling and communicate that to your partner. Begin your sentences with phrases like "I feel..." or "I think..."
-Discuss your feelings in a responsible way
-If you discuss your partner's behavior, again do so in terms of your feelings
-Let your partner know your feelings when they engage in the behavior
-Tell your partner the consequences of their behavior to you
As an example of this, if you are upset your partner doesn't call when they're coming home late, you could use blaming and accusing and say, "You're irresponsible" or "You don't care about me" or "You're selfish". Using "I" messages, the same statement might come out like this: "When you stay out late past when you told me you'd be home, I feel hurt, frustrated and angry. When you finally do come home, I really don't want to be close with you. In fact, it usually takes me all day long the next day before I feel like being close with you again."
Instead of not listening, couples can learn to:
3. USE ACTIVE LISTENING
With Active Listening, the listener's job is purely to listen, without interruption, without adding anything to what the speaker has said. The key elements of Active Listening are to:
-Listen to understand: even if you don't agree with what you're partner is saying, pay attention and listen to it.
-Summarize: after you've heard them, paraphrase and repeat back what you heard. "So what I heard you say was..."
-Verify: when you are done summarizing what you heard your partner say, ask them, "Did I hear you correctly?" Let them give you feedback. Maybe you missed an important element of what they said. This is not a test and not about being right or wrong; it's about listening and your partner being heard.
-Be open and receptive for more input: when your partner has agreed that you have heard them on that one comment, ask them, "Is there anything else you want to say?" Let them know that they have the floor until they are finished getting everything out that they need to.
Instead of changing the subject, couples can learn to:
4. STAY ON ONE SUBJECT AT A TIME
By agreeing ahead of time to talk only about one topic and nothing else, couples can make significant progress on an issue. It may take several sessions to hear what each other has to say about a topic, just as it took some time for the feelings about it to develop. Be patient and keep talking.
By using this structured communication format, couples are forced to listen without interruption, and to take responsibility for what they are experiencing. While getting skillful at this format takes some practice, it is more than worth the effort when couples see that they have the power to transform repetitive hostile arguments into healing, solutions-focused discussions. And when this communication exercise is used in tandem with the method for resolving conflicts, couples have some very powerful and effective tools at their disposal.
If you find that you are unable or unwilling to practice this format with your partner, you may need help from a professional who can help you understand what is causing the problems in your communication. Couples Therapy is very helpful in this case.
There are typically four major blocks to healthy communication which couples experience in their interactions:
1. Arguing or Withdrawing
2. Blaming and Accusing
3. Not Listening
4. Changing the Subject
By using these blocks to good communication, a couple virtually insures that they will not be able to resolve conflicts. Over time, these styles of communication will create resentment, distance and an unhappy relationship.
Fortunately, there are skills which can be learned by most couples, to substitute for each of these communication blocks. In this format, only one person speaks at a time, and the other person's job is purely to listen. Only when the first person is completely done talking does the other one begin expressing what they have to say.
Instead of arguing or withdrawing, couples can learn to:
1. SET THE STAGE FOR HEALTHY COMMUNICATION
For good communication to occur, it must be the right time and place. If either of you is too upset or distracted, the interaction will most likely end up with one of the above four communication blocks predominating the discussion. So if you know you or your partner is too upset to have a constructive conversation, do the following:
-Stop and cool down; leave the situation if necessary for a while
-Set a specific time and place to talk again
-Don't interrupt your partner; let them express
-Acknowledge your partner's concerns
Instead of Blaming and Accusing, couples can learn to:
2. USE "I" MESSAGES
When couples do a lot of blaming and accusing, they start many sentences to each other with words such as "you always..." or "you never...". Their partner is immediately put on the defensive when they hear a sentence beginning with the word "you".
A better method is to take responsibility for what you are feeling and communicate that to your partner. Begin your sentences with phrases like "I feel..." or "I think..."
-Discuss your feelings in a responsible way
-If you discuss your partner's behavior, again do so in terms of your feelings
-Let your partner know your feelings when they engage in the behavior
-Tell your partner the consequences of their behavior to you
As an example of this, if you are upset your partner doesn't call when they're coming home late, you could use blaming and accusing and say, "You're irresponsible" or "You don't care about me" or "You're selfish". Using "I" messages, the same statement might come out like this: "When you stay out late past when you told me you'd be home, I feel hurt, frustrated and angry. When you finally do come home, I really don't want to be close with you. In fact, it usually takes me all day long the next day before I feel like being close with you again."
Instead of not listening, couples can learn to:
3. USE ACTIVE LISTENING
With Active Listening, the listener's job is purely to listen, without interruption, without adding anything to what the speaker has said. The key elements of Active Listening are to:
-Listen to understand: even if you don't agree with what you're partner is saying, pay attention and listen to it.
-Summarize: after you've heard them, paraphrase and repeat back what you heard. "So what I heard you say was..."
-Verify: when you are done summarizing what you heard your partner say, ask them, "Did I hear you correctly?" Let them give you feedback. Maybe you missed an important element of what they said. This is not a test and not about being right or wrong; it's about listening and your partner being heard.
-Be open and receptive for more input: when your partner has agreed that you have heard them on that one comment, ask them, "Is there anything else you want to say?" Let them know that they have the floor until they are finished getting everything out that they need to.
Instead of changing the subject, couples can learn to:
4. STAY ON ONE SUBJECT AT A TIME
By agreeing ahead of time to talk only about one topic and nothing else, couples can make significant progress on an issue. It may take several sessions to hear what each other has to say about a topic, just as it took some time for the feelings about it to develop. Be patient and keep talking.
By using this structured communication format, couples are forced to listen without interruption, and to take responsibility for what they are experiencing. While getting skillful at this format takes some practice, it is more than worth the effort when couples see that they have the power to transform repetitive hostile arguments into healing, solutions-focused discussions. And when this communication exercise is used in tandem with the method for resolving conflicts, couples have some very powerful and effective tools at their disposal.
Good Signs in a Dating Partner
There are plenty of single people who are conscious and healthy and have some insight into themselves. The following is a list of the traits and behaviors that an ideal healthy dating partner will exhibit. While no one may fit all of these, use this as a general guide to assess the health of your partner.
Healthy dating partners:
* are comfortable in discussing their feelings about their past and present life
* have good relationships with their family members but are also living a physically and psychologically independent life
* respect your physical and emotional boundaries and reveal vulnerable information about themselves gradually over time
* use intoxicants occasionally or not at all, and when they do use them, they do so without losing control or significantly changing their personality
* are comfortable and secure enough within themselves to be satisfied with attention from you; do not need to constantly seek out attention and admiration from others
* are psychologically finished with previous significant relationships
* have had enough time to get over the breakup of their last significant relationship (at least three to six months from a breakup with a dating partner and at least one year from the legal date of a divorce or breakup from a cohabiting or marriage relationship)
* are financially stable and seem to be able to handle financial issues without losing control
* can balance the need for control with the ability to be flexible when appropriate
* are able to express fears or vulnerability in emotionally safe situations
* are reliable; follow through on pre-arranged plans; show up on time for most meetings
* have an appropriate emphasis on physical or sexual themes as an integrated part of an overall blossoming romantic relationship; do not always need external "props" to become aroused or perform sexually
* have one or more personal friendships that they have sustained for at least several years
* show an interest in you and your feelings and activities as well as in their own
* have a lifestyle which is conducive and allows for the addition of an intimate relationship; are able to balance work and personal life and create enough time for both
* have a positive, optimistic outlook on life
* have a good sense of humor
* take responsibility for their life, their feelings and the consequences of their decisions without blaming others
* take care of self physically and emotionally; dresses in a clean, attractive manner and eats right and exercises regularly
* are able to receive constructive feedback from others without getting defensive
* if they use computers, they use a computer as a tool, not as a constant companion
* have more friends and acquaintances in their real life than in cyberspace
* know how to resolve conflict in a constructive manner, or is willing to learn how to do so
* allow themselves to feel their anger and resentment and expresses anger in an appropriate manner
Remember, this list is only a guide. If you are dating someone you really like and find them don't have all of these qualities, don't be overly concerned. In that case this list may be a guide for how to improve your relationship even more. On the other hand, if you find that your current dating partner has less than half of the qualities on this list, you may want to re-evaluate whether or not the relationship is truly healthy for you.
Healthy dating partners:
* are comfortable in discussing their feelings about their past and present life
* have good relationships with their family members but are also living a physically and psychologically independent life
* respect your physical and emotional boundaries and reveal vulnerable information about themselves gradually over time
* use intoxicants occasionally or not at all, and when they do use them, they do so without losing control or significantly changing their personality
* are comfortable and secure enough within themselves to be satisfied with attention from you; do not need to constantly seek out attention and admiration from others
* are psychologically finished with previous significant relationships
* have had enough time to get over the breakup of their last significant relationship (at least three to six months from a breakup with a dating partner and at least one year from the legal date of a divorce or breakup from a cohabiting or marriage relationship)
* are financially stable and seem to be able to handle financial issues without losing control
* can balance the need for control with the ability to be flexible when appropriate
* are able to express fears or vulnerability in emotionally safe situations
* are reliable; follow through on pre-arranged plans; show up on time for most meetings
* have an appropriate emphasis on physical or sexual themes as an integrated part of an overall blossoming romantic relationship; do not always need external "props" to become aroused or perform sexually
* have one or more personal friendships that they have sustained for at least several years
* show an interest in you and your feelings and activities as well as in their own
* have a lifestyle which is conducive and allows for the addition of an intimate relationship; are able to balance work and personal life and create enough time for both
* have a positive, optimistic outlook on life
* have a good sense of humor
* take responsibility for their life, their feelings and the consequences of their decisions without blaming others
* take care of self physically and emotionally; dresses in a clean, attractive manner and eats right and exercises regularly
* are able to receive constructive feedback from others without getting defensive
* if they use computers, they use a computer as a tool, not as a constant companion
* have more friends and acquaintances in their real life than in cyberspace
* know how to resolve conflict in a constructive manner, or is willing to learn how to do so
* allow themselves to feel their anger and resentment and expresses anger in an appropriate manner
Remember, this list is only a guide. If you are dating someone you really like and find them don't have all of these qualities, don't be overly concerned. In that case this list may be a guide for how to improve your relationship even more. On the other hand, if you find that your current dating partner has less than half of the qualities on this list, you may want to re-evaluate whether or not the relationship is truly healthy for you.
Getting Support as a Single Person
It may be of interest to you that according to recent demographic data, there are more single people alive today than ever before in history. There is clearly no shortage of available single people.
Being single can be a wonderfully fun and option-filled lifestyle. It can also be extremely difficult in that our culture tends to be so couples and family oriented. What can singles do to get support with and from other singles, and also put themselves in situations where they are most likely to meet a potential partner?
The social world of the single person should be like the financial world of any adult: diversify your assets and resources. While isolation is the worst coping strategy, jumping into a new intense relationship out of need or loneliness is a close second. Committing to spending time with a variety of single people and singles' organizations is your best bet to feel good about yourself and maximize your chances for companionship and love in the long run.
The good news is that today's singles scene is more organized and rich than ever before. There are a wide variety of singles activities to fit anyone's interests or needs. At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, we maintain a file of Michigan singles organizations that we distribute freely to anyone who would like one. If you know of a good organization that you'd like others to know about, or if you'd like a copy of our Singles Resource List, call (248) 546-0407 or email us at info@relationship-institute.com and we'll get one right out to you.
Many people enter singles organizations after the breakup of the serious relationship. While the temptation may be great to jump right in and get seriously involved with a new person, that is the single riskiest thing a recently single person can do. Recovering and healing from a divorce or breakup of a serious committed relationship takes time (at least a year or two) and the support of others. Research backs up the risk of "rebound relationships". People who marry again within one year of the legal date of their divorce have a 79% subsequent divorce rate. While this number seems high, from the perspective of a conscious approach to relationships that we take, it is not surprising. You cannot possibly know who you are marrying in only one year, under any circumstances, but especially while experiencing the hurt, confusion and trauma of a breakup or divorce.
Do yourself a favor. Get involved in several singles' groups. Attend functions on a regular basis. Take time to heal. Develop a good support system around you that will be with you when you are ready to begin dating again. At the worst, you will develop some great friends and companions. At the best, you're laying the foundation for a balanced, healthy social network out of which a serious relationship can grow. And when that seemingly special person does come along, you have a great resource in your support system of singles to help you see if they really are compatible with you for the long haul.
Creating a diversified social life is one great way to insure that you will not only survive but thrive in today's single world. And it's also a great way to refine your interpersonal skills while getting ready for your next foray into the world of dating.
Being single can be a wonderfully fun and option-filled lifestyle. It can also be extremely difficult in that our culture tends to be so couples and family oriented. What can singles do to get support with and from other singles, and also put themselves in situations where they are most likely to meet a potential partner?
The social world of the single person should be like the financial world of any adult: diversify your assets and resources. While isolation is the worst coping strategy, jumping into a new intense relationship out of need or loneliness is a close second. Committing to spending time with a variety of single people and singles' organizations is your best bet to feel good about yourself and maximize your chances for companionship and love in the long run.
The good news is that today's singles scene is more organized and rich than ever before. There are a wide variety of singles activities to fit anyone's interests or needs. At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, we maintain a file of Michigan singles organizations that we distribute freely to anyone who would like one. If you know of a good organization that you'd like others to know about, or if you'd like a copy of our Singles Resource List, call (248) 546-0407 or email us at info@relationship-institute.com and we'll get one right out to you.
Many people enter singles organizations after the breakup of the serious relationship. While the temptation may be great to jump right in and get seriously involved with a new person, that is the single riskiest thing a recently single person can do. Recovering and healing from a divorce or breakup of a serious committed relationship takes time (at least a year or two) and the support of others. Research backs up the risk of "rebound relationships". People who marry again within one year of the legal date of their divorce have a 79% subsequent divorce rate. While this number seems high, from the perspective of a conscious approach to relationships that we take, it is not surprising. You cannot possibly know who you are marrying in only one year, under any circumstances, but especially while experiencing the hurt, confusion and trauma of a breakup or divorce.
Do yourself a favor. Get involved in several singles' groups. Attend functions on a regular basis. Take time to heal. Develop a good support system around you that will be with you when you are ready to begin dating again. At the worst, you will develop some great friends and companions. At the best, you're laying the foundation for a balanced, healthy social network out of which a serious relationship can grow. And when that seemingly special person does come along, you have a great resource in your support system of singles to help you see if they really are compatible with you for the long haul.
Creating a diversified social life is one great way to insure that you will not only survive but thrive in today's single world. And it's also a great way to refine your interpersonal skills while getting ready for your next foray into the world of dating.
Flying Solo in a Couples' World
Being single in today’s world can be very challenging in a number of ways. On a material level, it’s difficult to be solely responsible for your existence, and to find the time to keep up with everything in your life. But it can be even more challenging socially and emotionally given the frenetic pace and impersonal tone of our technology-dominated culture. In any given day, we may have more electronic contacts than human ones. And while email, voice mail and telephones are wonderful tools, they don’t address the heart’s deeper yearning for authentic human connection. In our workshops with singles, we frequently hear people express frustrations about their single lifestyle. We hear that there are no ‘quality singles’ out there, that ‘all the good ones are taken’ and that everything in our culture is geared for couples. We fervently believe that all of these are false, and if you are single, we would like to offer some positive tips and resources to help you enjoy your single lifestyle to the max, whether or not you are focusing attention on creating an intimate relationship.
To begin with, it’s important to realize that there are more adult singles than ever before! There are over 35 million adult singles over the age of 25 in the U.S., and over ½ million right here in southeastern Michigan. So there are plenty of potential kindred souls to connect with. As for the ‘quality’ issue, we all attract and resonate with whatever energy we create. So if you want more quality people in your life, take responsibility in becoming a more quality person yourself, whatever that means to you, and you will find similar people attracted to your energy.
The good news is that in addition to there being an abundance of singles in the world today, there are also more easy and efficient ways to meet them than ever before, whether you’re interested in friendship or romance. There are numerous excellent social and recreational singles’ groups in our area, with almost every possible interest and lifestyle choice represented. New single friends are literally just a phone call or click away (we have a list of singles’ groups and resources in southeastern Michigan on our web site, as well as nationwide Online Singles' Resource Links).
There are also free or inexpensive Internet-based personal ads and chat rooms to help singles connect. Our bias is that real live human connections are deeper and more meaningful than electronic ones, so we recommend using the Internet to meet friends or dating partners locally, and then as soon as possible try to meet in person. Also, we urge caution in contacting dating partners through the Internet, since the possibility of misrepresenting oneself is higher than in any other medium. To keep things safe, we recommend that women not give out their home phone number or address to someone they have never met in person, and everyone should have an initial face-to-face meeting in a public place during daytime hours.
What about this idea that ‘all the good ones are taken’? This implies that all the good partners end up in committed relationships while they’re young and are never again available. But the reality is that many people experience the most profound growth only after a painful relationship ends, whatever their age. By dealing with the breakup consciously they become far wiser and healthy than they ever were before. ‘Good ones’ aren’t all taken, in fact new ‘good ones’ are being created every day! There are an abundant number of people who have personally and spiritually grown from their life lessons and right now are emotionally and physically available to create the best relationship of their life.
Lastly, regarding the ‘couples culture’ we live in, while it’s true that many activities are geared for couples and families, it’s also true that today there are more activities than ever before exclusively created for singles. However, as a single person you may have to exert more effort to find them than a couple does. But this underscores the larger issue that if you’re single, you need to adopt a positive, proactive, responsible attitude toward your single life. No one will come knocking on your door and ask you to dinner or to play volleyball or go canoeing. But with the proper attitude and effort, a huge range of people and activities are available for you. In this sense, being single affords you a fabulous opportunity to learn a most precious life lesson: without anyone else there to blame for your woes or to pick you up when you’re down, you can literally see how day-by-day you are creating your reality and lifestyle though every choice, every decision, and every fear and self-imposed limitation that you choose to not resolve. And if you prefer a different life experience, you have the power to choose to create that as well.
It’s also essential to develop a positive support system of single friends, who will help you deal with the inevitable ups and downs of life, and be there for you when you need physical, emotional or even financial help. Far too many singles isolate themselves and then have no emotional safety net to fall back on. Or they start dating someone, but have no help in assessing how healthy their new relationship really is, and may not see some obvious areas of incompatibility that a loving friend could easily point out.
Being in a relationship and being single are really just two different sides of the same life coin: both have challenges, both have freedoms, both have lessons, and both are wonderful opportunities to learn to become the best person you can be and fully express the gifts you came to this life with.
To begin with, it’s important to realize that there are more adult singles than ever before! There are over 35 million adult singles over the age of 25 in the U.S., and over ½ million right here in southeastern Michigan. So there are plenty of potential kindred souls to connect with. As for the ‘quality’ issue, we all attract and resonate with whatever energy we create. So if you want more quality people in your life, take responsibility in becoming a more quality person yourself, whatever that means to you, and you will find similar people attracted to your energy.
The good news is that in addition to there being an abundance of singles in the world today, there are also more easy and efficient ways to meet them than ever before, whether you’re interested in friendship or romance. There are numerous excellent social and recreational singles’ groups in our area, with almost every possible interest and lifestyle choice represented. New single friends are literally just a phone call or click away (we have a list of singles’ groups and resources in southeastern Michigan on our web site, as well as nationwide Online Singles' Resource Links).
There are also free or inexpensive Internet-based personal ads and chat rooms to help singles connect. Our bias is that real live human connections are deeper and more meaningful than electronic ones, so we recommend using the Internet to meet friends or dating partners locally, and then as soon as possible try to meet in person. Also, we urge caution in contacting dating partners through the Internet, since the possibility of misrepresenting oneself is higher than in any other medium. To keep things safe, we recommend that women not give out their home phone number or address to someone they have never met in person, and everyone should have an initial face-to-face meeting in a public place during daytime hours.
What about this idea that ‘all the good ones are taken’? This implies that all the good partners end up in committed relationships while they’re young and are never again available. But the reality is that many people experience the most profound growth only after a painful relationship ends, whatever their age. By dealing with the breakup consciously they become far wiser and healthy than they ever were before. ‘Good ones’ aren’t all taken, in fact new ‘good ones’ are being created every day! There are an abundant number of people who have personally and spiritually grown from their life lessons and right now are emotionally and physically available to create the best relationship of their life.
Lastly, regarding the ‘couples culture’ we live in, while it’s true that many activities are geared for couples and families, it’s also true that today there are more activities than ever before exclusively created for singles. However, as a single person you may have to exert more effort to find them than a couple does. But this underscores the larger issue that if you’re single, you need to adopt a positive, proactive, responsible attitude toward your single life. No one will come knocking on your door and ask you to dinner or to play volleyball or go canoeing. But with the proper attitude and effort, a huge range of people and activities are available for you. In this sense, being single affords you a fabulous opportunity to learn a most precious life lesson: without anyone else there to blame for your woes or to pick you up when you’re down, you can literally see how day-by-day you are creating your reality and lifestyle though every choice, every decision, and every fear and self-imposed limitation that you choose to not resolve. And if you prefer a different life experience, you have the power to choose to create that as well.
It’s also essential to develop a positive support system of single friends, who will help you deal with the inevitable ups and downs of life, and be there for you when you need physical, emotional or even financial help. Far too many singles isolate themselves and then have no emotional safety net to fall back on. Or they start dating someone, but have no help in assessing how healthy their new relationship really is, and may not see some obvious areas of incompatibility that a loving friend could easily point out.
Being in a relationship and being single are really just two different sides of the same life coin: both have challenges, both have freedoms, both have lessons, and both are wonderful opportunities to learn to become the best person you can be and fully express the gifts you came to this life with.
Fears and Relationships
In our work with singles and couples, we often hear people express great excitement at the prospect of creating a healthy, alive, loving intimate relationship. With tremendous enthusiasm and sincerity they proclaim, ''I am willing to do ANYTHING it takes to have a great relationship!'' They speak fondly of their visions of close, happy, loving moments with that one special partner, sharing all aspects of themselves and their lives with their true soul mate. And then they embark on that most intimate of journeys, the journey of love, which always starts within ourselves.
When we seek genuine intimate connection with another, sooner or later we come face-to-face with who we really are. We can hide from ourselves, our friends, our families and even our therapists and spiritual teachers, but ultimately we cannot hide from the One that we share intimate space with. This is a great blessing (which often feels like a curse!) because it helps us to grow in ways we would never choose to do on our own. All of us have parts that would rather stay in their cocoons and hide. So when the magic of love penetrates the soft underbelly beneath our defenses, we may feel incredibly alive, but also vulnerable and exposed in ways we have not let ourselves feel for a very long time. This can feel exhilarating, yet also terrifying.
These experiences of feeling scared or even terrified are not what our egos had in mind when we set out to experience a great loving relationship. These are the moments when we remember that phrase we read in some book or heard at that workshop: all of life comes down to a choice between fear and love. Yet we may feel lost and confused. When I'm scared like this, what IS the choice for love? Self-protection can seem like a pretty loving choice at these times.
If we have not learned how to create a safe, sacred space to express and work through these feelings, fear wins out, and we automatically don our masks of fear. Instead of dealing directly with our fears, we act them out indirectly. We shut down like a turtle pulling in its head. We put on several layers of new armor. If we're single, suddenly we are too busy to date; if we're in a relationship, we're too busy for our partner. After months of flexible schedules, we now have to work overtime four days a week. Or we find ourselves getting angry, annoyed, frustrated with the slightest inconvenience. Or we erupt in a rage, surprised at the strength of our feelings. Or we find ourselves turning to old ways of numbing, be it food, chemicals, a new lover, computers, work or any other way which keeps us out of touch with what is really going on in our hearts and guts. The masks of fear become so transparent that we can also quickly slip into blame. I did say I would do ANYTHING to make this work but that certainly didn't mean hanging out in fear, insecurity, sadness, anger or despair. That wasn't part of the deal at all. My life is about bliss, love, expansive consciousness and pure light pouring out of my heart. YOU must be bringing this energy into my life!
And when our masks of fear appear when we are in relationship, our partner is often angry or confused. Don't you love me anymore? What about our dreams? What about last week? Why can't I reach you anymore? And then out of self-protection, THEIR masks of fear will emerge, creating a distant relationship where true connection is impossible.
These are the moments that make or break a relationship. If we are unable or unwilling to take off our masks and tell ourselves and our partners what is really going on, our relationship will stagnate or end. We can blame it all on our partners' shortcoming and perhaps even feel sorry for them and all of their problems. We can smugly walk away and remind ourselves that there really aren't many people as together as we are, and perhaps loneliness is the price we must pay for being so exceptional.
If, however, we choose love instead of fear, responsibility over victimhood, and humility and truth over ego and distortion, a wonderful opportunity for healing ourselves as well as our relationship can occur. When we truly feel safe enough to allow our most vulnerable feelings to be shared, miracles can happen. Walls can come tumbling down and years of pain can be released.
What masks of fear are you wearing today, that are keeping you more distant and less connected to those in your life? Are you choosing fear or love with yourself and with your partner? By creating and attracting into your life enough resources to help you feel safe, you can start to take those masks off. Learn to ask for what you need, and how you need it. Trust your own intuition and connection to your Higher Power to decide if a person or situation or group is capable of providing the safety you need.
In consciously choosing love over our personal masks of fear, we truly honor the deepest meaning of our intimate connections and fulfill their highest potential. By willingly traversing the murky, shadowy aspects of our personal unfinished business, we invite our partner to do the same and ultimately allow a greater vision of love, intimacy and harmony to manifest in our lives and in the world.
When we seek genuine intimate connection with another, sooner or later we come face-to-face with who we really are. We can hide from ourselves, our friends, our families and even our therapists and spiritual teachers, but ultimately we cannot hide from the One that we share intimate space with. This is a great blessing (which often feels like a curse!) because it helps us to grow in ways we would never choose to do on our own. All of us have parts that would rather stay in their cocoons and hide. So when the magic of love penetrates the soft underbelly beneath our defenses, we may feel incredibly alive, but also vulnerable and exposed in ways we have not let ourselves feel for a very long time. This can feel exhilarating, yet also terrifying.
These experiences of feeling scared or even terrified are not what our egos had in mind when we set out to experience a great loving relationship. These are the moments when we remember that phrase we read in some book or heard at that workshop: all of life comes down to a choice between fear and love. Yet we may feel lost and confused. When I'm scared like this, what IS the choice for love? Self-protection can seem like a pretty loving choice at these times.
If we have not learned how to create a safe, sacred space to express and work through these feelings, fear wins out, and we automatically don our masks of fear. Instead of dealing directly with our fears, we act them out indirectly. We shut down like a turtle pulling in its head. We put on several layers of new armor. If we're single, suddenly we are too busy to date; if we're in a relationship, we're too busy for our partner. After months of flexible schedules, we now have to work overtime four days a week. Or we find ourselves getting angry, annoyed, frustrated with the slightest inconvenience. Or we erupt in a rage, surprised at the strength of our feelings. Or we find ourselves turning to old ways of numbing, be it food, chemicals, a new lover, computers, work or any other way which keeps us out of touch with what is really going on in our hearts and guts. The masks of fear become so transparent that we can also quickly slip into blame. I did say I would do ANYTHING to make this work but that certainly didn't mean hanging out in fear, insecurity, sadness, anger or despair. That wasn't part of the deal at all. My life is about bliss, love, expansive consciousness and pure light pouring out of my heart. YOU must be bringing this energy into my life!
And when our masks of fear appear when we are in relationship, our partner is often angry or confused. Don't you love me anymore? What about our dreams? What about last week? Why can't I reach you anymore? And then out of self-protection, THEIR masks of fear will emerge, creating a distant relationship where true connection is impossible.
These are the moments that make or break a relationship. If we are unable or unwilling to take off our masks and tell ourselves and our partners what is really going on, our relationship will stagnate or end. We can blame it all on our partners' shortcoming and perhaps even feel sorry for them and all of their problems. We can smugly walk away and remind ourselves that there really aren't many people as together as we are, and perhaps loneliness is the price we must pay for being so exceptional.
If, however, we choose love instead of fear, responsibility over victimhood, and humility and truth over ego and distortion, a wonderful opportunity for healing ourselves as well as our relationship can occur. When we truly feel safe enough to allow our most vulnerable feelings to be shared, miracles can happen. Walls can come tumbling down and years of pain can be released.
What masks of fear are you wearing today, that are keeping you more distant and less connected to those in your life? Are you choosing fear or love with yourself and with your partner? By creating and attracting into your life enough resources to help you feel safe, you can start to take those masks off. Learn to ask for what you need, and how you need it. Trust your own intuition and connection to your Higher Power to decide if a person or situation or group is capable of providing the safety you need.
In consciously choosing love over our personal masks of fear, we truly honor the deepest meaning of our intimate connections and fulfill their highest potential. By willingly traversing the murky, shadowy aspects of our personal unfinished business, we invite our partner to do the same and ultimately allow a greater vision of love, intimacy and harmony to manifest in our lives and in the world.
Essential Qualities of Healthy Relationships
Let's examine some of the universal qualities that are essential for any of these relationships to flourish and remain healthy and alive. The first essential quality is commitment. When we make a commitment to a relationship, we have some degree of unconditional regard for the relationship. The relationship is reciprocal and we are present in the relationship when it is easy and meets our needs, as well as when it is a difficult struggle and we feel like we are doing all the giving. To make such a commitment, we must be capable of selfless service beyond the needs of our ego and the relationship must have a deeper vision or meaning which transcends those unpleasant times.
The second essential quality is conscious attention. All healthy relationships require consistent, ongoing, conscious attention to survive and thrive. It is a simple fact that whenever we put our attention on something, we are choosing to create more of it. Similarly, whatever we ignore, we are choosing to let go of and allow to fade out of our lives. Where we choose to put our attention and how long we do so is one of the most important decisions we have to make in our lives. We live in a world with more distractions to steal our attention than humanity has ever experienced before. As Thom Hartmann says in his brilliant book, The Last Hour of Ancient Sunlight, television is the most pervasive and powerful drug available today. When it is on, conscious attention to our relationships is all but impossible. Yet couples and families frequently have many meals and conversations while the TV is on. TV encourages passivity and mindless inattention. One aspect of conscious attention is the ability to listen without judgment. A foundational skill to all healthy relationships is the ability to really be present to understand what is going on for the other: listening with our ears, feeling with our hearts, seeing with our eyes and sensing with our intuition. What does this other person really need? What do I need right now to feel in harmony? If you have an active spiritual perspective, you can also ask, What is my concept of a Higher Power saying as it flows through me every day of my life?
The third essential quality is respect. We can consciously attend to other people, but if we do so from an attitude of manipulation and control, the outcome will be a one-sided unhealthy relationship. An attitude of respect, on the other hand, nourishes the heart of both participants and assures that each person's needs are attended to. Related to respect is gratitude. When we commit to a relationship, give it conscious attention, and feel respect for the person or entity we are in relationship with, we naturally are grateful for their presence in our lives. We honor the gifts they bring us and communicate our gratitude on a regular basis, in whatever form feels right.
Another essential quality to a healthy relationship is trust. We must be able to trust when things appear to be going nowhere in our lives. We must have faith that there is something going on that we cannot comprehend or see. Similarly, when we are quiet and mindful and listen to our self, we must trust the impulses from that small, still voice within when it suddenly urges us to go off in a new direction.
The sixth essential quality is bonding. In any alive relationship, there must be a mechanism for an ongoing connection, for a reciprocal exchange of energy, which is bonding. Bonding is a basic human need. We are most bonded with other people when we are touching and also maintaining eye contact. Yet how rarely we communicate with others in this manner! And notice how we can also bond with the Earth in this manner, how it feels different to walk barefoot along a lake or ocean than to hurriedly stride in thick shoes atop concrete and asphalt barriers. And how do you bond with your self? What rituals have you developed in your lifetime? What do you do to feel an alive exchange of energy?
An interesting exercise is to examine your relationships and see how many of these qualities are a regular part of each of those relationships. For example, are you committed to your self, to bringing out the full range of your gifts to the world? To your own happiness and fulfillment? Are you able to commit to an intimate partner? Or do you have a commitment to a genuine spiritual path?
Reflect on how much conscious attention you give to your self and others. See if you are relating to them with respect and gratitude. Notice if you have a basic sense of trust with your self and others. And be aware of how much genuine bonding you do with the important people in your life and with your own self. Consciously reflecting on these questions can open the door to richer, deeper, healthier and more alive relationships on all levels of your life.
If you or your partner are having difficulty manifesting these qualities in your relationship, call us at (248) 546-0407 and find out how we can help you create a healthy, loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
The second essential quality is conscious attention. All healthy relationships require consistent, ongoing, conscious attention to survive and thrive. It is a simple fact that whenever we put our attention on something, we are choosing to create more of it. Similarly, whatever we ignore, we are choosing to let go of and allow to fade out of our lives. Where we choose to put our attention and how long we do so is one of the most important decisions we have to make in our lives. We live in a world with more distractions to steal our attention than humanity has ever experienced before. As Thom Hartmann says in his brilliant book, The Last Hour of Ancient Sunlight, television is the most pervasive and powerful drug available today. When it is on, conscious attention to our relationships is all but impossible. Yet couples and families frequently have many meals and conversations while the TV is on. TV encourages passivity and mindless inattention. One aspect of conscious attention is the ability to listen without judgment. A foundational skill to all healthy relationships is the ability to really be present to understand what is going on for the other: listening with our ears, feeling with our hearts, seeing with our eyes and sensing with our intuition. What does this other person really need? What do I need right now to feel in harmony? If you have an active spiritual perspective, you can also ask, What is my concept of a Higher Power saying as it flows through me every day of my life?
The third essential quality is respect. We can consciously attend to other people, but if we do so from an attitude of manipulation and control, the outcome will be a one-sided unhealthy relationship. An attitude of respect, on the other hand, nourishes the heart of both participants and assures that each person's needs are attended to. Related to respect is gratitude. When we commit to a relationship, give it conscious attention, and feel respect for the person or entity we are in relationship with, we naturally are grateful for their presence in our lives. We honor the gifts they bring us and communicate our gratitude on a regular basis, in whatever form feels right.
Another essential quality to a healthy relationship is trust. We must be able to trust when things appear to be going nowhere in our lives. We must have faith that there is something going on that we cannot comprehend or see. Similarly, when we are quiet and mindful and listen to our self, we must trust the impulses from that small, still voice within when it suddenly urges us to go off in a new direction.
The sixth essential quality is bonding. In any alive relationship, there must be a mechanism for an ongoing connection, for a reciprocal exchange of energy, which is bonding. Bonding is a basic human need. We are most bonded with other people when we are touching and also maintaining eye contact. Yet how rarely we communicate with others in this manner! And notice how we can also bond with the Earth in this manner, how it feels different to walk barefoot along a lake or ocean than to hurriedly stride in thick shoes atop concrete and asphalt barriers. And how do you bond with your self? What rituals have you developed in your lifetime? What do you do to feel an alive exchange of energy?
An interesting exercise is to examine your relationships and see how many of these qualities are a regular part of each of those relationships. For example, are you committed to your self, to bringing out the full range of your gifts to the world? To your own happiness and fulfillment? Are you able to commit to an intimate partner? Or do you have a commitment to a genuine spiritual path?
Reflect on how much conscious attention you give to your self and others. See if you are relating to them with respect and gratitude. Notice if you have a basic sense of trust with your self and others. And be aware of how much genuine bonding you do with the important people in your life and with your own self. Consciously reflecting on these questions can open the door to richer, deeper, healthier and more alive relationships on all levels of your life.
If you or your partner are having difficulty manifesting these qualities in your relationship, call us at (248) 546-0407 and find out how we can help you create a healthy, loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
Emotional Affairs
The topic of infidelity is a frequent topic with couples experiencing problems. When most people hear the terms 'infidelity' or 'affair', they almost always think of a passionate, romantic, physical relationship. Certainly many people engage in physical affairs borne out of immaturity, acting out of hostility and even sexual addiction.
What is less understood however, and at times can be even more threatening to a long-term relationship than a physical affair, is an emotional affair. An emotional affair occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support in life. It often develops slowly, even innocently, as a friendship with a co-worker or friend. There may or may not be a romantic/sexual attraction initially accompanying this budding friendship. But when the primary relationship is experiencing ongoing hostility, conflict and/or distance, and one member of the relationship pulls away from their partner and consistently turns to their 'friend' for companionship, support and sharing of deep personal material, an emotional affair has begun.
Note: The Relationship Institute runs a weekly support group for people anywhere in the US
dealing with an emotional affair. For more information go to Emotional Affair Support Group.
For many people, the emotional affair is a great source of relief and comfort during relationship difficulties. But the danger is that there is a finite amount of intimate emotional energy to go around, and when one begins to regularly invest significant amounts of their emotional energy in someone outside the primary committed relationship, the primary relationship can be seriously compromised.
Frequently, an emotional affair will deepen through consistent contact through in-person discussion and/or numerous email and voice mail messages. There becomes an excitement and ease in hearing from the person. And when this type of relationship does lead to physical intimacy, it's often a little sex and a lot of talking. The sex may be intense and passionate, but it is the feeling of emotional safety and companionship that really fuels the bond at the deepest level.
This companionship can doom the primary relationship. Once the door of emotional intimacy has been opened and the bond deepens, the person having the emotional affair cannot help but compare. "It's so easy to talk to her, and so hard to talk to my spouse" is the common refrain. "My husband always complains and criticizes, but my friend is always there, always in a good mood, and always understands and listens to me." It is much easier to open up and feel safe in a superficial new friendship compared to a long-term committed relationship.
How do you know if you are developing an emotional affair? Ask yourself these questions:
*
do I feel like it's easier to talk to my friend than my partner?
*
does my friend seem to understand me in a deeper way than my partner?
*
have I stopped confiding my deepest feelings and concerns with my partner and now turn to my friend for these needs?
If you find yourself or your partner developing an emotional affair, you need to put your attention on your primary relationship as soon as possible. Get help to understand why you drifted to this other person in the first place. Begin the work of re-investing emotional energy in your primary relationship. Turning to someone else during a time of conflict or distance often is merely escaping and avoiding other issues which won't go away. And don't kid yourself: these same issues will resurface again should you develop a real relationship with your emotional affair partner. You may as well learn to deal with them now, before putting yourself and your partner through a terrible crisis.
ONLINE AFFAIRS - Emotional and Physical
Some emotional affairs occur online, with someone you've never actually met in person. Here are seven signs that your significant other may be having a cyberaffair:
*
Change in sleep patterns
*
Demand for privacy
*
Household chores ignored
*
Evidence of lying
*
Personality changes
*
Loss of interest in sex
*
Declining relationship investment
Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so the cheating partner tends to stay up later and later to be part of the action. Often, the partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours, may leap out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolt to the computer for a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner may explain things.
The computer may be moved from the visible den to a secluded corner of a locked study, the spouse may change the password, or cloak his or her online activities in secrecy. If disturbed or interrupted when online, the cheating spouse may react with anger or defensiveness.
In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. So when a spouse begins to invest more time and energy online and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself -- because another relationship has come between your marriage.
The cheating spouse may hide credit-card bills for online services, telephone bills to calls made to a cyberlover, and lie about the reason for such extensive net use. They also may tell you they will quit.
A once warm and sensitive wife becomes cold and withdrawn. A formerly jovial husband turns quiet and serious. If questioned about these changes in connection with their Internet habit, the spouse engaging in a cyberaffair responds with heated denials, blaming and rationalization. Often times, the blame is shifted to the spouse.
Some cyberaffairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex can include mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. When a spouse suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet.
Those engaged in a cyberaffair no longer want to participate in the marital relationship - even when their busy Internet schedule allows. They shun those familiar rituals like a shared bath, talking over the dishes after dinner or renting a video on Saturday night. They don't get as excited about taking vacations together and they avoid talk about long-range plans in the family or relationship.
The Relationship Institute runs a weekly support group for people anywhere in the US dealing with an emotional affair. For more information go to Emotional Affair Support Group.
For more information or help dealing with an emotional affair, please call our office at (248) 546-0407 or send an email to:
info@relationship-institute.com
What is less understood however, and at times can be even more threatening to a long-term relationship than a physical affair, is an emotional affair. An emotional affair occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support in life. It often develops slowly, even innocently, as a friendship with a co-worker or friend. There may or may not be a romantic/sexual attraction initially accompanying this budding friendship. But when the primary relationship is experiencing ongoing hostility, conflict and/or distance, and one member of the relationship pulls away from their partner and consistently turns to their 'friend' for companionship, support and sharing of deep personal material, an emotional affair has begun.
Note: The Relationship Institute runs a weekly support group for people anywhere in the US
dealing with an emotional affair. For more information go to Emotional Affair Support Group.
For many people, the emotional affair is a great source of relief and comfort during relationship difficulties. But the danger is that there is a finite amount of intimate emotional energy to go around, and when one begins to regularly invest significant amounts of their emotional energy in someone outside the primary committed relationship, the primary relationship can be seriously compromised.
Frequently, an emotional affair will deepen through consistent contact through in-person discussion and/or numerous email and voice mail messages. There becomes an excitement and ease in hearing from the person. And when this type of relationship does lead to physical intimacy, it's often a little sex and a lot of talking. The sex may be intense and passionate, but it is the feeling of emotional safety and companionship that really fuels the bond at the deepest level.
This companionship can doom the primary relationship. Once the door of emotional intimacy has been opened and the bond deepens, the person having the emotional affair cannot help but compare. "It's so easy to talk to her, and so hard to talk to my spouse" is the common refrain. "My husband always complains and criticizes, but my friend is always there, always in a good mood, and always understands and listens to me." It is much easier to open up and feel safe in a superficial new friendship compared to a long-term committed relationship.
How do you know if you are developing an emotional affair? Ask yourself these questions:
*
do I feel like it's easier to talk to my friend than my partner?
*
does my friend seem to understand me in a deeper way than my partner?
*
have I stopped confiding my deepest feelings and concerns with my partner and now turn to my friend for these needs?
If you find yourself or your partner developing an emotional affair, you need to put your attention on your primary relationship as soon as possible. Get help to understand why you drifted to this other person in the first place. Begin the work of re-investing emotional energy in your primary relationship. Turning to someone else during a time of conflict or distance often is merely escaping and avoiding other issues which won't go away. And don't kid yourself: these same issues will resurface again should you develop a real relationship with your emotional affair partner. You may as well learn to deal with them now, before putting yourself and your partner through a terrible crisis.
ONLINE AFFAIRS - Emotional and Physical
Some emotional affairs occur online, with someone you've never actually met in person. Here are seven signs that your significant other may be having a cyberaffair:
*
Change in sleep patterns
*
Demand for privacy
*
Household chores ignored
*
Evidence of lying
*
Personality changes
*
Loss of interest in sex
*
Declining relationship investment
Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so the cheating partner tends to stay up later and later to be part of the action. Often, the partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours, may leap out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolt to the computer for a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner may explain things.
The computer may be moved from the visible den to a secluded corner of a locked study, the spouse may change the password, or cloak his or her online activities in secrecy. If disturbed or interrupted when online, the cheating spouse may react with anger or defensiveness.
In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. So when a spouse begins to invest more time and energy online and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself -- because another relationship has come between your marriage.
The cheating spouse may hide credit-card bills for online services, telephone bills to calls made to a cyberlover, and lie about the reason for such extensive net use. They also may tell you they will quit.
A once warm and sensitive wife becomes cold and withdrawn. A formerly jovial husband turns quiet and serious. If questioned about these changes in connection with their Internet habit, the spouse engaging in a cyberaffair responds with heated denials, blaming and rationalization. Often times, the blame is shifted to the spouse.
Some cyberaffairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex can include mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. When a spouse suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet.
Those engaged in a cyberaffair no longer want to participate in the marital relationship - even when their busy Internet schedule allows. They shun those familiar rituals like a shared bath, talking over the dishes after dinner or renting a video on Saturday night. They don't get as excited about taking vacations together and they avoid talk about long-range plans in the family or relationship.
The Relationship Institute runs a weekly support group for people anywhere in the US dealing with an emotional affair. For more information go to Emotional Affair Support Group.
For more information or help dealing with an emotional affair, please call our office at (248) 546-0407 or send an email to:
info@relationship-institute.com
Marriage Counseling
You’ve probably landed on this page because your relationship with your husband or wife is in trouble, and you’re considering marriage counseling. If this describes what’s going on in your life right now, stay with me for just a few minutes because I believe I can help you.
You’re probably wondering how a total stranger could possibly help you heal your broken relationship -- right? That’s a good question and, fortunately, one that I can answer. Sometimes it takes a helper who’s removed from the heat of battle – someone who’s standing outside the fray – to stir a little objective thinking.
I’d like to share some of the major benefits of marriage counseling. You can use these benefits to promote healing in your own relationship. Or, maybe you can share them with a friend who’s considering marriage counseling.
What are the benefits of marriage counseling?
Let’s look at the first one: Marriage counseling -- a great opportunity.
Marriage counseling provides an opportunity for a couple to demonstrate their willingness to heal their relationship.
Sometimes it takes making an appointment with a marriage counselor for both parties to understand the seriousness of their situation. Often one person is more strongly motivated to seek assistance than the other. And sometimes, only one individual will actually keep the appointment. Whether marriage counseling starts with one or two, the important thing is to get started. While it’s certainly more effective to have both the husband and wife present for marriage counseling, it’s possible for a helper to accomplish a great deal with only one.
Here’s the second benefit: Marriage counseling -- increased understanding
Marriage counseling helps a couple to understand the nature of their problems, often from more than one perspective.
Often, when people are hurting in a relationship, they are so intensely focused on their own pain that they might forget what another may be going through as well. In marriage counseling, couples are encouraged to look at their problems from each other’s perspective. This often brings a better understanding of and appreciation for the feelings of the other person in the relationship.
Also, depending on which counseling approach is used, much marriage counseling time may be spent talking about each partner’s family of origin and how family members have related to each other. This technique can help counselees see possible connections between past and present behavioral trends.
The third benefit is the most important of all: Marriage counseling -- caring and sharing
Marriage counseling helps a couple exchange ineffective communication strategies for more meaning ways of sharing with each other.
Marriage counseling often helps couples to understand how ineffective communication styles have damaged their relationship. When husbands and wives learn more meaningful ways of sharing with each other, their relationships often show marked improvement. It’s often amazing how relationships can be improved when couples learn a few, easily implemented communication techniques.
Marriage Counseling ~ some final words of hope for hurting relationships …
As a minister and pastoral counselor for more than 20 years, I’d like to share with you one very important discovery I’ve made while counseling with hundreds of couples. It’s so important that I’m going to put it in bold letters too -- so you won’t miss it.
Couples who approach marriage counseling with a strong desire to improve their communication often bring about healing in their relationship.
There is no magical quick-fix. Marriage counseling requires motivation, hard work, and a willingness to allow the miracle of forgiveness to heal broken hearts.
I wish you all the best in your endeavor to bring wholeness to your marriage!
~John
About the Author: Dr. John W. Luton
Before joining the mass communication faculty at Elizabeth City State University in North Carolina, Dr. Luton served as pastor of churches in Maryland and North Carolina for more than 20 years. He is a licensed clinical pastoral counselor with the National Christian Counselors Association and he holds the advanced certification.
Dr. Luton is also the primary author of Mastering Pastoral Counseling Utilizing Temperament, a Phase II course that is offered by the NCCA as part of its national licensure program for pastoral counselors. The course is used in many seminaries and counselor training centers throughout the nation.
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