Getting to Know Your Spouse Better

Some time ago I taught a lesson on marriage. At the end I asked, “Wouldn’t it be interesting if we all went home and did two things:

(1) ask our wives how we could be better husbands, and (2) listen to what they have to say.” [Questions should also be asked in reverse by wife]

After the meeting I returned home and began eating a late breakfast. My wife, Susan, asked about my lesson, and between bites of cereal I indicated that as far as I could tell it went pretty well.

“What did you say?” she asked. I took another spoonful of cereal and replied, “I told them to go home and ask their wives how they could be better husbands, and then listen to their comments.” I chuckled. “I’ll bet some of them are having some pretty interesting discussions right now.” I took another sip of orange juice.

Susan walked over to the kitchen counter and was rather quiet as I continued to enjoy my breakfast. After a few minutes she said, “Do you really want to know?”

“Know what?” I asked.

“How you could be a better husband,” she replied. “You do follow your own advice, don’t you?”

Suddenly I lost my appetite. I put down my toast, and she began.

It was not so much what I was doing that concerned her, she said, but what I could be doing that would greatly improve our marriage. I listened.

Our discussion had lasted about an hour when the phone rang. Susan answered it and talked for a minute or two and hung up.

“Who was it?” I asked.

“It was Brother Larson,” she replied. “He said he would be a little late picking you up to go home teaching.”

Susan walked out of the kitchen and called back, “He said he and his wife were having some sort of discussion. Something to do with what you said in priesthood meeting this morning.”

As husbands and wives, how well do we know each other? Most of us knew enough about our spouse at one time to agree to marriage. But what have we learned about each other since then? People—and consequently marriages—change as the years go by.

Some husbands and wives are surprised to find that there are still things to learn about each other, even after several years of marriage. Some mistakenly believe that because they live together in the same house, they’ll automatically know each other. Others assume that they each share the same perspective of their marriage—that since they are “one,” they think exactly alike, enjoy exactly the same things, and derive exactly the same satisfaction from their relationship. And some even erroneously assume that because they love each other, each will always know what the other is thinking or feeling, so there’s no need to express thoughts and sentiments.

Whatever the reasons, dialogue is infrequent or missing in too many marriages.

Elder Hugh B. Brown has written: “Where there is deep and mature love, which is being nurtured and jealously guarded, the couple will confide in each other and discuss all matters of joint interest—and in marriage everything should be of interest to both—they will stand together in adversity, will lean on, support, and give strength to each other. They will find that their combined strength is more than double the strength of either one of them alone.” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, p. 30.)

To assist in marital communication, try the following exercise together. Allow yourselves sufficient time when there will be no interruptions. You might wish to divide the exercise into several sessions, considering two or three statements at each session.

First, respond individually in writing to the statements. Then exchange papers and talk about what you’ve written. Don’t try to review your responses simultaneously. While one of you is reading or speaking, the other should listen or ask clarifying questions. Then switch roles.

Complete the following statements:

1. In our marriage, I feel loved when you …
2. In our marriage, I feel appreciated when you …
3. In our marriage, I am happiest when …
4. In our marriage, I am saddest when …
5. In our marriage, I am angriest when …
6. In our marriage, I would like more …
7. In our marriage, I would like less …
8. In our marriage, I feel awkward when …
9. In our marriage, I feel uneasy when …
10. In our marriage, I feel excited when …
11. In our marriage, I feel close to you when …
12. In our marriage, I feel distant from you when …
13. In our marriage, I feel most afraid when …
14. My greatest concern/fear about our marriage is …
15. What I like most about myself is …
16. What I dislike most about myself is …
17. The feelings that I have the most difficulty sharing with you are …
18. The feelings that I can share most easily with you are …
19. Our marriage could be greatly improved with just a little effort if we …
20. The one thing in our marriage that needs the most immediate attention is …
21. The best thing about our marriage is …

- Coping With the Loss of a Child

When the tragedy of losing a child impacts your marriage negatively, try to live each day fully and focus on the present.

Don't lose the richness of each day by worrying about the future or fretting about the past. Yes, your past history is with you always, but not to dwell on. Planning is important, and preparing for the future, but don't sacrifice today in the process.

If you focus too much on the past and on the future, losing today, you can also jeopardize your marriage. This is one of the areas that is critical for couples to talk about.A little over thirty years ago, during the summer, we lost three babies. Little Angel was a miscarriage victim when Sheri was only four months pregnant. Susan Sarah was born at 5 1/2 months, and weighed just over one pound. She lived seven days. Teresa Rose was a full term baby, but was diagnosed as a trisomy 18 victim. She lived eight days. Although these babies entered our lives briefly, they each taught our family much.

As we dealt with our sadness, and talked with one another about our feelings, we also learned to recognize the importance of each day. One day, after experiencing a near automobile accident on our way to the hospital to visit Susan, we realized that she could have outlived us. That moment changed us forever.

Instead of focusing on how we would probably be losing her, we focused instead on the gift she was to us. We decided to rejoice in each day we had with her. This was a major step towards our healing one another.

The past is important. You can never get away from it. You can, however, learn from it, and get on with life.

Plan for the future. Remember, you can always cross a bridge when you get to it.

Don't lose today. Live it to the fullest. Make this decision together. Do it together.

What Men Want in a Relationship

I have discovered a stark contrast between what each sex thinks
the opposite sex wants from them, and what the opposite sex
really does want.

What women think men want from them causes women to have resentment and anger toward men, and feel hopeless about ever developing a wonderful, warm, romantic partnership. What men think women want from them causes them much of the same feelings and frustration.

First aid for bruised heartsThe sad part is that it does not have to be this way, if only we would realize that both men and women are human beings first and pretty much want the same thing. But, you don't have to take my word for this.

I asked a number of men and women who are actively involved in personal growth and development what they want from a partner in order to build a great relationship. You will find their answers unexpected. Discover what men said they want from women as contrasted with what women think men want. You'll also find tips for women to give men what they want, attract a great man, and create a wonderful relationship.

1. Men want honest, timely, loving communication.

Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteers information. They want a woman who confidently asks for her wants and needs to be met. They want a woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with kindness. Men want a woman who can communicate without being too critical, who cares about preserving his and her dignity.

Women think men want them to be superficial, to keep quiet about their needs or wants, and never to ask for anything. Women think men believe them to be too needy and too sensitive, and that men simply want women to get over it. Some women believe they do not have the permission to tell it like it is, that they will be rejected for speaking up.

**A Tip for Women**
Great men want and need straightforward, courageous communication without anger or criticism. One way to attract a great man and build a satisfying relationship is to learn how to communicate your truth and needs effectively.

2. Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women.

Men want a woman to choose them out of want rather than out of desperation -- either materially or emotionally. Men need to be wanted and needed by their partners, but they want their partners to have a separate identity. Men want a woman to be active and independent, to have her own friends and interests.
On the other hand, men treasure time spend with a loving partner.

Women think men don't want women to need them. Women think men do not need or appreciate time spent together as a couple. Women believe that showing a man he is needed will turn him off and
possibly make him run away.

**A Tip for Women**
Men want what women want -- a whole partner. One powerful way to attract a great man and build a vibrant relationship is to create a full, rewarding life for your own fulfillment.

3. Men want a manipulation-free relationship.

Men want no manipulation of any kind. They do not want to read their partner's mind or try to interpret signals. They do not want to be forced to move faster in a relationship than they are ready. They do not want to be manipulated into taking all the blame for things gone wrong. They do not want to be on the receiving end of game playing.

Women think men want little or no communication, and the only way to get needs met is through manipulation. Women think men either need or want to be reminded that the relationship needs to move forward. Women think men don't want or value praise and acknowledgement, and so tend to only verbalize criticism.

**A Tip for Women**
Men will not tolerate manipulation of any kind for any significant length of time. To attract a great man and build a wonderful relationship learn to ask without hesitation for what you want and need in every area of your life. Learn to be aware of his timing and his timeline. Learn how to acknowledge and bestow praise.

4. Men want growth, personal responsibility, and ownership.

Men want a partner who can laugh at herself and who has courage and strength. They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics and own it. She has to be emotionally stable. Men want a woman who is developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional experience.

Women think men only want to have a good time. Women think men have no interest in developing and growing a relationship or developing and growing themselves. Women think men want women who are super models, and that they never consider whether a
woman is emotionally mature, kind, supportive, or loving.

**A Tip for Women**
Men want women who are emotionally mature. Maturity does not mean lack of emotions. It does mean the ability to handle emotions responsibly. To attract a great man and build a long-term relationship, learn to take responsibility for your emotional experience and expression.

5. Men want fidelity and a commitment to the relationship.

Fidelity is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a "roaming eye" and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Many may define commitment as fidelity plus the willingness to work on the relationship -- even when the going gets tough.

Women think that all men want is sex, and that men will leave a relationship for the next prettier face. Women think men cannot be trusted to be faithful. Women believe men do not want to work on a relationship; that when the going gets tough, they run.

**A Tip for Women**
Here is great news for those women who are resigned to the myth that all men cheat: infidelity and "a roaming eye" are as distasteful to men as they are to women. Great men know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know fidelity is the main ingredient.

6. Men want women who know how men need to be treated.

Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgement of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.

Women think men do not need them, do not value their opinion, their support, their praise. Women also think men do not care about many things important to women, which is why they criticize. Criticism is a way to verbalize resentment.

**A Tip for Women**
Most men want acknowledgement and appreciation from women. Learning to acknowledge instead of making your partner wrong is one of the most powerful relationship survival tools available to you.

Before You End Your Marriage Over Porn

The issue of spouses watching pornography is one that can tear a marriage apart. For some couples pornography is okay, while for other couples, the use of pornography is a deal breaker.
The Pornography Issue
When a wife discovers that her husband apparently prefers viewing pornography over having sex with her, she often has feelings of rage, repulsion, hurt, and mistrust.

While many wives consider pornography to be insulting, degrading, and a form of cheating, there are husbands who don't understand their wives' anger about the use of pornography and don't see themselves as being unfaithful.

"But the attention paid to the connection between porn and infidelity doesn’t translate into anything like a consensus on what that connection is. Polls show that Americans are almost evenly divided on questions like whether porn is bad for relationships, whether it’s an inevitable feature of male existence, and whether it’s demeaning to women. This divide tends to cut along gender lines, inevitably: women are more likely to look at pornography than in the past, but they remain considerably more hostile to porn than men are, and considerably less likely to make use of it. (Even among the Internet generation, the split between the sexes remains stark. A survey of American college students last year found that 70 percent of the women in the sample never looked at pornography, compared with just 14 percent of their male peers; almost half of the men surveyed looked at porn at least once a week, versus just 3 percent of the women.)"
Source: Ross Douthat. "Is Pornography Adultery?" TheAtlantic.com. 10/2008.

"This is a very common question and concern. Let’s start by dispelling a major porn myth; there is absolutely nothing “unhealthy” or abnormal with watching porn in and of itself. As long as we’re talking about legal adult movies, and as long as everyone who is watching is consenting, there is nothing inherent in pornography that makes it bad. That doesn’t mean that people do use porn in unhealthy ways, watching too much of it or becoming obsessive about it. But people do this with drugs, work, even sports, and we don’t consider those things “evil” (well, some of us do I guess). ... The first thing I want to suggest is that you talk to him about it. Without being judgmental, it would be interesting to know what he likes about porn. Is it the fantasy? Are there things he sees that he wants the two of you to try? Is it boredom or habit?
Source: Cory Silverberg. "Is Watching Porn Okay?"

Additional Reading:
Can Pornography Undermine Your Marriage?
What is Pornography?
Pornography is difficult to define because it is different things to different people and not all porn is illegal.

Pornography is generally defined as material (magazines, pictures, videos, movies, internet web sites, etc.) that depicts individuals in sexually explicit ways. Although porn is also described as adult entertainment and a harmless habit, it is also described as a gateway drug that can lead to betrayal and infidelity.