Tuesday 14 April 2009

Investing for Children

We have 4 grand children that we have been purchasing stock for at Christmas for the last 10 years. The stocks are valued from $500 to $3,000. The brokerage house fees were running too high even though we had them under our account. We have just liquidated the accounts and our goal is to look for the best place to invest this money and continuing our yearly $150 contribution for each.
Rich

Rich is right. Investment expenses matter. The Securities and Exchange Commission calculates that a 1% difference in expenses on a $10,000 investment earning 10% annually would mean a difference of $11,133 in 20 years. Rich isn't investing that much, but clearly the difference is dramatic.

And Rich is also right that beginning a savings program for children is a great idea. For instance, a public college that costs $12,841 per year today would cost $36,652 in 18 years if costs rise 6% per year.

There are two things for Rich to consider. First, how will he invest. And, second, how will the investment be legally owned.

Best Investment Options

Owning individual stocks is very hard unless you're going to be investing more than $150 at a time. Even a minimal $8 commission reduces your $150 investment by more than 5%. So it takes 6 months or so to earn enough to make up for the commission paid.

Generally, mutual funds offer more flexibility for the small investor.

The average expense for a mutual fund that invests in domestic stocks is 1.4% per year. That's a whole lot better than the cost of buying individual stocks.

Owning a mutual fund allows you to reinvest dividends. Something that's almost impossible with an individual stock unless a DRIP (dividend reinvestment plan) is available. If a DRIP is available for your stocks in this situation it would be wise to use it.


Funds

Rich will want to consider something called an 'index' fund. Those are funds where management does not try to pick stocks that will beat the market. The fund is managed so that it reflects the make up of an index.

For instance an S&P 500 fund would have shares in the same proportion that they were in the S&P 500 index. Shares would be bought and sold to maintain that proportion.

There are two main attractions to index funds. One is that their expenses can be lower. For instance, the Vanguard S&P 500 fund has an expense ratio of about 0.18%. But check the expenses on any fund. Some index funds have ratios as high as 1.5%.

The index funds also generally perform better than the average managed mutual fund. As it turns out, most managers don't earn more than they charge the fund. And that means that the average fund does not perform as well as the market.

If you are going to consider a managed fund, look for one that has a good 10 year track record. A great one or five year track record could have been caused by some unique factors that had nothing to do with the fund's managers. And, that could actually work against the fund once you've bought it.

How should the investment be owned?
Ideally, Rich would set up a UGMA (uniform gifts to minors account) for each child. He (or any legal adult) could act as custodian until the child became an adult.

Because legally the child owns the money, Rich would not be liable for any taxes on dividends or capital gains. The one disadvantage is that the child can use the money however they choose when they reach the age of adulthood.

Using a UGMA account has another advantage. As they become old enough to understand, you can review the quarterly statements with them. It's a perfect opportunity to teach them the basic facts about money.


Talk to Your Kids

There's another, non-financial benefit of talking to your kids about their investment account. Often children strive to achieve our expectations for them. Knowing that you're saving for their college could encourage them to strive for the grades that they'll need.

Rich might also encourage his grandchildren to add to the fund themselves.

Kids often receive cash gifts. If they take just a small portion of each gift and add it to their investment account they'll take a keener interest in the account. And, they'll learn how to be investors.

Finally, one of the most valuable gifts that you can give a child is an understanding of how compound interest works. There's a huge gulf between people who are paying interest on credit cards and those who are collecting interest on investment accounts. Getting on the right side of that gulf is important.
Gary Foreman is a former financial planner who currently edits The Dollar Stretcher website . The site have hundreds of ways to help you stretch your day and your dollar. Visit today!

How Much is Enough?
Living with an Open Hand

Why Me


"Boy, God must really be gunning for you!"

As the tears began to stream down my face, I was grateful we were working in the relative darkness of an ultrasound room. The comment made by a nurse was simply an off-handed remark. The words themselves were harmless, but they gained power and cut deep because they echoed the feelings that were surfacing in my heart.

Why was God allowing illness to destroy my life and career?

For one more day, I had struggled to get to the hospital in time for noon-hour scans of patients suffering infertility. On the way to the hospital, I was rear-ended by a man who, "thought the red light was green." As a result, I now had a whopper of a headache--which compounded the suffering I was already experiencing from chronic illness.

That day, it was all I could do to sit and make notes in charts, to smile at the patients--to try to pretend I was alive inside--when every part of my body felt like death and wanted death. Sometimes things happen in our lives that change us--and nothing is ever the same again. I often refer to those times as a "day of days," even though my own "day of days" lasted for three long, dark years.

It began the morning after I defended my master's thesis, when I woke up with a pounding migraine, the stomach flu and a cold. Initially, doctors and friends dismissed it as "the stress exorcism." They were sure that I only needed to relax and get rid of the stress that had built up throughout the past weeks.

But it never went away. And for the next eight months, frustration grew as I battled chronic illness and fatigue. I had some good days, but mostly I was exhausted. I always seemed to have the flu and my weight plunged from 125 to 92 pounds. Not long after, I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), namely permanent fatigue and a depressed immune system.

The irony is that in spite of my sickness, my PhD research was extremely successful. As the first researchers in the world to observe and record the process of human ovulation, our studies gained national and international attention. Opportunities from all over the world were waiting for me. It seemed as though the success I had always sought was there, but I was too tired and too sick to take hold of it. And so, it was with mounting frustration that I realized I could not grasp the very thing I wanted most.

Being the typical "Type A" personality, I needed the challenge of my work to maintain my identity. When I couldn't work effectively, my self-esteem plummeted and depression soared. My relationships deteriorated because I was too tired to do anything and too angry to be near anyone--especially people who had the energy to lead a productive life. I could not function at the level I was accustomed to and, in my mind, if I couldn't do it all, I didn't want to live.

As a result, my heart became very dark. And my spirit screamed out to God--WHY? Why was I in such torment? If God had abandoned me to death, then let me die. But if I was meant to live, then heal me and let me function like a normal person.

For the first time in my life, I was unable to control my circumstances. And as I reached the end of my own strength, my only hope was to look outside myself for help--for something or someone who was much bigger than me.

Author and scholar C.S. Lewis says that pain is God's "megaphone to rouse a deaf world." It's true. I never looked to God much when I was healthy, successful, busy . . . able. I knew He was there, but it was only as I was stripped of all my resources that I really began to seek God and to cry out to Him from the depths of my heart.

Turning to God was the first step on my journey towards healing. Healing came as I gave up my frustration and anger about being sick and unable to do things that I wanted to do. Healing came when I realized that my self-worth was not dependant on my academic success or on my ability to do things. And as I acknowledged my inability to love myself when I was sick, I experienced God's love for me during my weakest moments. Healing came when I stopped fighting my circumstances that had been given to me.

Since then, I have had to choose daily to trust that God is still in control and that He will use this illness to accomplish His purposes in my life. For most days, I am able to trust that God's love and strength will be enough for me that day.

But there are also days when it is a struggle to trust. And those are the times when I am grateful for friends who remind me of the truth that God isn't any less powerful because of pain and suffering. He is able to heal miraculously and instantaneously. But we live in an imperfect world and it is only in acknowledging our suffering and our need that we are able to see God's tremendous power to restore.

Each step that I have taken on my journey of reconciliation with God has brought some degree of physical healing. However, I now consider God's healing to be a much deeper and more complete process than a restoration of the physical body. Ultimately, emotional and spiritual healing play the most significant role in enabling me to find contentment and peace in my life whether I am sick or well.

My battle with CFS is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. And, although I didn't recognize it at the time, it was the beginning of a life-changing journey with God. That journey has changed my priorities and taught me to place my hope in God's power to accomplish things, rather than in my own talents and skills.

Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.

If you have a question first, click here.

More on Chronic Illness:

Living With A.L.S.

10 Things to Consider Before Signing on the Dotted Line


Making the decision to build a new home is a thrilling prospect. For many, it is the realization of a dream. But many potential new home owners don’t realize that some of the decisions made after signing a contract would be less expensive and better negotiated if they researched their needs before inking the deal.

Her Home spoke to one woman who, in the process of considering her building project, took extra steps to research what she wanted. She ultimately saved thousands of dollars in “up charges” – changes or additions made by the builder once a contract is signed. Here are the ten items she considered before signing, and what she learned in the process.

1. Pre-qualify for a mortgage.

* Get credit information in order.
* Check out several lenders.
* Review needs for a construction loan or a bridge loan.
* Understand mortgage products; energy efficient, woman-centric aspects, etc.

“Pre-qualifying for a mortgage put my mind at ease. I knew how much home I could buy. I wanted to look for homes only within my price range.”

2. Review your present home and situation.

* Are room sizes adequate?
* What special needs do you have, such as a blended family or the need for a workshop?
* What furniture will you keep?

“My existing townhouse is great for entertaining. And the master bedroom is separate from the other bedrooms, which works well for my blended family. I wanted to keep most of my furniture, so the rooms in my new house will need to be large.”

3. Find a lot.

* Is it close to schools, church, shopping, health care, pizza delivery?
* What direction does the lot face?
Do you want morning sun? A special view?
* Do you want a sloping lot for a walkout basement?
* Study covenant and community restrictions.
* What is the tax levy?
* Look around the neighborhood.
What do you like? What bothers you?

“Trees are very important to me, and also a private backyard – so that I am not looking at my neighbor’s house. My location was also determined by good pizza delivery service!“

4. Find a home plan by asking the following questions:

* How do I want to entertain?
* How much storage will I need? What kind?
* Does the plan have flexibility for special rooms or situations
(exercise room, craft area, etc.)?
* How does the home help me de-stress? A quiet area for me?
Built-in organization like drop zones? Whirpool bath? Sunroom?
Porches?
* Where do I want the master bedroom?
* Is a healthy home important to me?

“Once I identified that I needed an open floor plan with a lot of space in the kitchen and great room, as well as divided bedrooms and storage space, finding a plan was a piece of cake. I walked through a number of model homes to get a sense of room-size proportions and went on www.HerHome.com.”

5. Select a builder

* Is there a builder attached to the lot you want? If so, interview him/her extensively.
* If not, interview several builders. Try to find someone with whom you’ll have good chemistry.
* Check references of the builder’s former homebuyers, subcontractors and vendors.

“My builder was attached to my lot, which was a big consideration, since I had to work with this person. I drove him crazy asking so many questions. But since this is a huge decision, I wanted to do it right.”

6.Consult with an interior designer for a couple of hours.

* Make sure everything flows; coordinate colors,
flooring and countertops; and plan placement
of outlets.

“The time I had with an interior design consultant was the best money I spent. I wanted a contemporary look, and she helped me coordinate flooring, countertops and colors. While I have a sense of my style, I am now more confident with my choices.”

7. Meet with an electrician and electronic specialists to pre-wire the house properly.

* Consider Christmas lights, other outdoor lighting, accent lighting, security, stereo surround sound, telephones, ample outlets and their placements, Internet and media rooms.

“I walked through the entire plan with an electrician to get advice on lighting, security, outlets, etc. This was time well spent, because I made sure the elements were incorporated before I signed the contract and avoided many up charges.”

8. Talk to as many people as you can who have been through the building process. Be sure to ask what they would do differently.

“I learned a great deal from the mistakes of others – which saved me tons of headaches.”

9. Customize your home plan.

* Make sure the working drawings are clear and exactly how you want them. Consult with an interior designer for a couple of hours.

“I did not want any ambiguity on my working drawings. I made sure everything was how I wanted it. I revised my plans many times; it’s worth the hard work to get what I want.“

10. Pack your survival kit.

* A sense of humor
* A 12-pack of patience
* Drawers of chocolate
* Bottles of aspirin
* A jump rope for de-stressing

“I’m ready to sign the contract and get started!”

Are you finding it hard to relax? Please email us your concerns


Lisa Albrecht is an account executive for Color FX (a large printing corporation) who is building a 2-story home. She likes to ride motorcycles and studies fine wines. This article has been reprinted with permission from HerHome.com

The Secrets to Successful Relocating


You can always recognize the long anticipated signs of spring. Spring marks the arrival of new blooms and the return of our friends in nature. Another common sign that spring has officially sprung is the unmistakable new crop of ‘for sale’ signs popping up on front lawns all over town. Embarking upon a new relocation adventure, families will find themselves relocating for careers, to upgrade their current residence, or to move closer to their extended family.

beyond your abilityThe excitement, wonder and nerves associated with moving can feel quite overwhelming for adults. Between wondering what to purge and what to pack, and finding a school district that meets your needs and expectations, helping your ‘new family on the block’ make a smooth transition while relocating isn’t always an easy feat.

For a child, moving across town or across the country can be traumatic. Leaving the only house he has known, or the neighborhood and friends he’s attached to rocks a child’s security and sometimes shakes his self esteem and confidence. Adding to the challenges facing parents on the move are the personal pressures and strain that relocating can put on you as an adult, partner, or spouse.

You may know how many bedrooms your new house must have, or whether you’re looking for public or private schools, but do you know how to help your family make new friends or find a new veterinarian? Knowing a few proven secrets can be the difference between just moving and relocating your family’s roots.

Meeting friends and going places

You can help your children meet new neighbors, schoolmates and friends by hosting a ‘Get to know me’ party for Halloween, President’s Day or July 4th. If there’s not a holiday in the near future -- create one. Hosting a ‘Mad-Monday’ balloon fight or ‘Fabulous Friday’ bar-b-que or picnic gives your child the chance to meet new friends and feel comfortable in his new community. Inviting parents of the children in the neighborhood or your child’s class gives you the chance to be acclimated in the area and meet potential car pool members or play date participants.

Upstate New York Relocation Coordinator, Patti Puma suggests scheduling a ‘kids showing’ for your children to be able to view the local parks, schools, and attractions. “I recommend bringing kids to look at homes and neighborhoods because the move affects them just as much as it affects us as adults,” says Puma. Changing schools and homes, making friends, and adjusting can be very frightening to kids. Including them in the entire process helps to alleviate their anxiety, gives them some empowerment in the move and sends the message that their feelings and concerns are being addressed. “I have set up several appointments with schools for children to tour them, meet teachers or to see the neighborhood and parks,” Puma adds.

Meeting everyone’s needs

“Parents shouldn’t be shy when dealing with realtors or relocation experts,” says Heidi Jessup, a licensed relocation consultant in Crystal Lake, IL. Counting on your realtor to be a partner in this new endeavor, it is important to remain aware of your goals and your child’s goals for the new area. Jessup adds, “Parents need to remember that each of you may have a specific set of expectations or needs.”

It is important for parents to keep sight of their needs and feelings associated with moving. Leaving your security network of friends, dog groomer, hairstylists or optometrists isn’t always easy. Relying on your relocation professional to supply you with a list of local businesses and professionals before arriving in your new community will offer some relief.

Amidst unpacking and ensuring your entire family is settling in, making time to enjoy a date night out with your partner is often relegated to the bottom of your relocation ‘to-do’ list. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author, Dr. Andrew Atwood, CSW, suggests couples be cautious of not letting the stress of moving take a toll on their relationship. “Because this can be a source of great personal and emotional stress and chaos, couples need to make the effort to spend time alone together to preserve their connection and strengthen their bond as a couple and as a parental unit,” he explains.

Testing out new restaurants, taking walks around your new neighborhood, or watching a movie together after the kids are tucked in bed are just a few options that parents can rely on to help ease the stress that relocating puts on a relationship. Dr. Atwood also reminds parents that relocating is not the time to be an emotional super hero. “A relocation diary or journal where you both can share your fears and hopes about moving is also quite insightful. Letting each other know how the move is affecting you personally and emotionally prevents the breakdown of communication and gives you both a source of comfort to rely on while your household is in transition,” he notes.

Get lost

Does your new town have a sister city? Where is the oldest house or business in your new town located? When was your town established or founded? A family field trip to the city hall or library provides the answers to these and other interesting questions as well as a great way to immerse your family in the culture and history of your new area.

Finding your way in a new town doesn’t have to be an auspicious task. Armed with a local map or an onboard guidance system, a few travel friendly snacks and a full tank of gasoline, exploring your new surroundings can be a great way to discover a terrific out of the way restaurant, historical landmark or picnic spot that your family will enjoy. “A few weeks after we moved in, we all piled into the car and just started driving,” explains recently relocated Liz Collins of Algonquin, Illinois “we got lost several times, but quickly learned that we were resourceful and could explore new ways to get home.”

~ Gina Roberts-Grey is an experienced family, parenting, pets and women's issues writer. She is a frequent contributor to numerous parenting publications and has provided feature columns to more than 100 Regional, National and International publications. Her work has been translated into Arabic, Chinese, French and Spanish, as well as reprinted in educational material.
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More help for moving:

Help kids make the transition

Wanting to belong

Mom's Science Experiment


I cooked dinner last night. Too bad my first grader had already turned in his science fair project—the remains of my culinary escapade would have made a great display. My darling hubby was sick, and wasn’t in the room during the ordeal—which makes me eternally grateful. He already has more kitchen stories against me than he can shake a spatula at.

Here’s how my little science experiment went:
Purpose: To cook dinner for the family.

Hypothesis: I will burn, break, or bandage something before the night is over.

Procedure:

1. Defrost the meat, after throwing away some which had been in the freezer since Clinton’s first term.
2. Start the water for pasta, for once remembering to turn the burner on.
3. Open a can of fruit cocktail (or as it’s called in the Dyer house, “nectar of the gods”) and chill it in the fridge.
4. Place the chicken in the oven.
5. While helping Jordan with his homework, forget that the water on the stove has changed from a rolling boil to a roiling bowl. Place the pasta in the pan just before the last few cups evaporate.
6. Let the pasta cook and then drain it, setting pan aside and forgetting to turn off the burner.
7. Take the chicken out of the oven and set it on the still-hot burner on top. After dishing up dinner, hear something sizzling and realize I’ve set the glass dish on the burner—and the last piece of chicken is still cooking. (At least that was the one piece that wasn’t really “done”!)
8. Turn off the burner and put the dish in the sink; after turning on the oven fan (or as it’s called in the Dyer house, “the dinner bell”) to get rid of the smoke, pour cold water into the glass dish.
9. After cutting Jordan’s chicken up, hear something exploding. Turn around to find the glass dish in a million tiny pieces. Then vaguely remember that “extreme cold and extreme heat don’t mix.”
10. Finally, redeem the meal by showing Jordan the remains of the now-famous exploding glass dish, to which he replies, “That’s awesome!”

Result: While cleaning up the mess in the sink after dinner, I cut my hand. I have therefore broken a dish, burned a chicken, and bandaged a finger—all in one night.

I am culinary-challenged, to say the least. And sometimes, to be honest, it makes me feel like a less-than-stellar mommy. After all, what child doesn’t need a home-cooked goodie now and then to really feel their mother’s love, all the way down to their cute little toes?

But you know what I’ve realized—and finally made my peace with? Cooking is not my thing—and that’s okay! I can do a lot of other things well, and my guys like the “tear ‘em off the block” cookies as much as the home-baked varieties .I know this because they’ve had the other kind at friends’ houses, and never once complained about mine. Either that, or they’re too sweet to say anything!

Sometimes we moms put so much pressure on ourselves —pressure that God never intended for us to feel. But each of us does some things pretty well, and other things we need to let go. If we try to do it all, we’ll be done in.

So here’s my “Resigned, yet Joyful in the Gifts I do Have” conclusion to the aforementioned experiment:

For the Dyer family, it is not only wise, but physically safer, to have Pizza Hut, China Garden and Chop n’ Block Barbeque on speed dial. For when it comes to cooking, there is definitely a science to it.

~ Dena Dyer speaks and writes to busy women, encouraging them to make space for solitude, silence, beauty and grace in their daily lives. She also urges women to reawaken their sense of wonder and creatively add gracious touches to their everyday lives. Go to her website for a complete listing of articles and events.



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A Promise to Keep


In 1991, Margarita Campos received a crushing phone call from Honduras: her brother and his wife were dying, and would leave behind two daughters. Margarita made immediate flight arrangements.

"I phoned my brother to let him know I would take the girls," she says, "and that I would do everything in my power to make them happy." Her brother died the day she arrived in Honduras, but before she could visit him.

"As a single mother," she says, "I knew it wouldn't be easy to support two more children. I didn't even have the money to sponsor them." Margarita, who had immigrated to North America in 1988 with her six-year-old son, Jorge, was still struggling to establish herself in a new country. Yet she knew everything would work out.

Margarita had seen how God had always provided work for her, and she trusted that He would help her keep her promise. "I believe God wanted me to take the girls, so I didn't doubt for one minute that He would help me," she says. She began the adoption process; her sister Belinda and friends gave her the sponsor money.

Now, raising three children, Margarita faces new challenges every day. "I'd be lying if I said it's always easy," she says. "The hardest part is when the bills come."

But knowing that God has always seen her through gives Margarita a sense of contentment and confidence for the future. "The kids are my pride and joy. When I see them laughing and enjoying themselves, it makes me very happy."

Margarita was able to keep her promise to her brother, because God kept His promise to her: "I will never, never fail you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5) Margarita can live with peace even in the face of obstacles.

Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.

If you have a question first, click here.

What’s a Kid to Do When Parents Hate Each Other


Sometimes the animosity between separated parents is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. In such cases both parents deflect blame on the other while denying or minimizing their own contribution to conflict.

In some instances the allegations of both parents are Find your purpose in live unfounded. The parents are like oil and fire and simply do not get along. They both may be hurt for the demise of the relationship. They may feel embarrassed for the breakdown and need to vilify the other. Each stakes out the position of being hard done by the other thus gaining the sympathy of friends and family.

In other instances mutual allegations are founded. Both have in fact acted untoward. Both have acted poorly although not abusively. Yet, neither takes responsibility and both use the transgressions of the other to legitimize their own.

Don't let children become your battleground

Pity the children whose parents are so locked in mutual despise. The child becomes the battleground. Each parent begrudges the child’s relationship to the other. Even though a parent may hold their tongue, the attitude still exudes. The child lives with their distain.

The child is between a rock and a hard place. To survive they learn to mask their feelings. To avoid the disapproval of their parents they align with each parent through negative comments about the other. So when with mom the child tells bad stories of dad to gain mother’s approval and minimize tensions with her. Then with dad the child tells bad stories of mom to gain his approval and minimize tensions with him. Sadly though, the strategy only feeds the conflict between the parents as they feel more justified in their position with the new ammunition delivered by the child. Thus the parental conflict escalates and the child is subject to greater hostility.

The stress is too much for a child to bear

Eventually the child breaks down under the strain of conflict between despising parents. The child’s distress may take the form of school related problems, anxiety, depression, bullying, victimization and even physical complaints such as headaches and stomachaches. Because of the pre-existing parental animosity and then stories of the child, both parents blame each other for the child’s distress. Both parents present self-righteously in their position and both parents are remarkably defensive towards any insinuation that their behaviour may be contributory to the child’s distress. Both parents present with a profound sensitivity to feeling blamed. Discussing their dynamic with one parent can trigger a defensive barrage of the issues of the other parent.

In situations like these, favourable outcomes for the child are best achieved by working with both parents.

The service provider must be well experienced in working with such high conflict situations and the dynamics as described. The approach requires expertise with clinical assessment, mediation, education and reconciliation counselling.

Eventually, the parents must be brought along to understand that their antagonistic tug of war is the toxicity hurting their child. In some situations both parents feel they must let go of the rope at the same time. In other situations some parents take the position that the other parent must go first with regard to making amends or changes. The challenge is to achieve a plan for both parents that encourages a relaxation of the animosity and new collaborative behaviour. Finally, the child needs to be brought into a session with both parents where they demonstrate their maturity by cooperating for the child’s sake and grant permission for the child to love both parents equally.

One never knows at the outset, if one or both parents can muster the maturity to take responsibility for their contribution to conflict. However, there is a secret to ending tugs of war… Only one side has to let go. The question is who is going to step up first.

What's a kid to do? Send both parents for help!

Gary Direnfeld~ Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development, parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique on a Section 112 (social work) report.

Search Gary’s name on GOOGLE.COM to view his many articles or visit his website. Call him for your next conference and for expert opinion on family matters. His services include counselling, mediation, assessment and assessment critiques.



Do you feel like your family is out of control? Please email us your conerns

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Not another divorce statistic

Ten Suggestions For The Overscheduled Child

Ever wonder what happened to the family dinner hour? Or for that matter the family dinner half hour? Monday is Soccer Practice, Tuesday is Piano lesson, Wednesday is Church Activities, Thursday is a Soccer Game, Friday a birthday party to attend. A number of events will fill up the weekend. Do you feel like a professional scheduler and taxi driver? Are you finding yourself increasingly irritable as you go from one activity to the next? Maybe you and your children are overscheduled.

As a coach and family therapist I see more and more people wanting to findbalance in their lives. In the past few years I have seen a marked increase in children with anxiety and depression. Children are now saying they are ‘stressed out’. I remember one child in particular who just wanted to play a board game with his parents, the only family assignment was to play the board game. The family did not have ‘time’ to play the game. Children no longer seem to have time to goof off and just be children - goof off time is not on the schedule.

As parents we need to guard our children and ourselves to protect our children’s unscheduled time to be children. Children need time to create their own games and also to learn to entertain themselves. Children often want us to entertain them or the television instead of figuring out how to play by themselves. I would hazard a guess that some of your fondest memories as a child were playing out in the backyard with some friends and really doing nothing in particular. Just laughing, playing, talking or ‘being’.

Ten Suggestions to keep your family from being overscheduled:

1. Each child in the family has one outside activity (i.e. sports, music lessons) besides church activities. (If you have a big family even this may be difficult.)
2. If your child wants to add an activity they may consider giving up the current activity in exchange for the new one.
3. Set family nights on your calendar. Order a pizza and play board games. No one can schedule anything on family night.
4. Help your child learn to say “No” and help set appropriate limits on their activities away from home.
5. Do not say “Yes” to any new activity for yourself or child till you have weighed the costs (i.e. financial, emotional, loss of family time, etc.).
6. Assess your irritability quotient. Do you find yourself frequently saying, “Hurry up, we are going to be late?” How can you slow down? What can you give up?
7. Resolve to eat dinner together as a family at least 3 - 5 times a week, even if this is sandwiches before you head out to a game or lesson.
8. Schedule “goof-off” time for your family and children. Give your child down time to explore a hobby or play outside.
9. Set priorities for your family. How many hours a week do you want to be together as a family?
10. Take time as a family to enjoy God’s creation away from home. Examples: Go to a park, go for a bike ride, go hiking, etc.

As parents we are modeling for our children how to handle stress and how to balance our time. What lessons are we teaching our children? The Bible tell us in Psalm 46:10, “Be still, and know that I am God...” I’m afraid in our hurried society we are teaching children to “Be harried and know that I am God.” We all need down time and time to answer the many beautiful, challenging questions our children have about God and our world. Make the time to slow down and enjoy the gift of your children.

~ Kimberly M. Chastain , MS, LMFT is the Christian Working Mom Coach and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping Christian women make the most of their lives. She is the author of the on-line course, “I Can’t Say No” and Pearls of Encouragement for Christian Working Moms, a free e-book. If you suffer from “I Can’t Say ‘No” Syndrome, visit Kimberly’s site today for the details on an exciting email course that’s sure to set you free! © 2004 Kimberly Chastain

A Dad-Shaped Hole in My Heart

I'd like to begin this first chapter with June's story. In many ways her story mirrors the cry of countless daughters just like you, who struggle with the effects of a dad who wasn't there for them. Year after year they cry: Daddy, where are you? Who are you?

My son was born five years ago. He's a healthy, energetic child. At least he appeared to be healthy at birth. But a few days later we discovered he had a defect. It wasn't visible. No one could see it. But it was there, and it was serious. He had a hole in his heart. He was born that way. Within a week after we discovered it, the doctors opened his chest and repaired that hole in his little heart. He was able to go on with his life in a normal manner. He's not even aware that he had a hole in his heart.

I wish I could say the same. My son and I are alike. We've both had holes in our heart. He was born that way and it was repaired. I wasn't born with one, but over my childhood years the hole was created and it grew larger as I grew. It hasn't been repaired, even though I've tried. It's a different shape than my son's. The hole in my heart is in the shape of my father. Physical surgery won't repair the hole. It will take something like emotional surgery or healing for it to slowly close. I'm not sure how to go about the process. I'm confused. Is it dependent upon my father reaching into my life and somehow undoing what he did or doing what he failed to do years ago? I just want a whole heart. It's too bad there are no heart transplants for this kind of disorder.

There are many daughters walking around with a hole in their heart in the shape of their father. They are missing something from their father that should have been given. Or he responded to them in ways that were way beyond what any daughter should have to endure. Or he simply vanished one day from their lives and hasn't reappeared. Any of these experiences can create a hole that seemingly cannot be filled by anything else. If you think you are alone, that your pain is unique to you and your family, I hope that this book will show you that this is not true. Listen in as other adult daughters share how their dads influenced them--sometimes positively and sometimes negatively--far beyond their childhood years.

* My relationship with my father was incomplete, guarded, confusing, and sad. He was an intelligent, funny, deep, and personally likable man when sober, and an explosive, unpredictable, abusive, angry, pathetic, destructive shell of a man when drinking, which increased as time went on.

* My father and I have always had a good relationship. He has always held high standards, but they were never unreasonable. I hold those same standards today--expectations that people should always try their best, be polite, behave themselves, and make something of themselves, but also not to allow ambition to get in the way of happiness. I can talk to my father about anything and feel very comfortable asking his advice on things relating to finances, politics, and life in general. We have grown closer as I have gotten older because we share the same love of history and good conversation about important things, plus we both have grown spiritually over the past five to ten years. I have never felt anything but good about our relationship in general, though of course there were times when we may not have seen eye to eye, as there are in any father/daughter relationship.

* My father was not available for me emotionally. I do not recall ever discussing struggles or problems with him or seeking his counsel. I recall asking his advice about a boyfriend once when I was in college. I had consciously decided to offer him the opportunity to give me advice because I had been thinking that maybe he hadn't given any counsel because I had never asked. I remember his responding that he really couldn't answer the question, and that I would need to decide, because it was my life. (It was apparent that he was not comfortable with giving me advice.) He was not available to help with homework or provide advice on anything like choosing classes, extra-curricular activity options, career possibilities, my interests or life goals, moral decisions, college options, car repairs, home purchases. Although I performed well in school (A & B honor rolls) and was/am extremely responsible, I do not recall my dad offering praise or acknowledgment other than on very rare occasions, and only as a result of my mom's prompting. (On a positive note, I know that as an adult, he is proud of me and I do know that he loves me. I observe that he asks questions about things in my life and is trying to get to know me. I am touched by these things.)

* My biological father was in my life from birth till I was approximately six and a half years old. I came five years after the loss of a two-year-old daughter. My dad spoiled me, carried me in his arms or on his shoulders. He was kind, loving, indulgent, and oh so strong. At six-and-a-half my dad had a breakdown, and I didn't see him again until I was fourteen. By then I didn't know him and was afraid.

* The gap between my father and me is actually growing as we get older. I'm beginning to see how disrespectful and hurtful he can be and has been in the past toward my mom. I'm having a hard time reconciling the daddy I loved as a child and the man that I recognize him to be today. I'm embarrassed by some of the things he does, but I still want to defend him to the grave. It's painful.

* My father wasn't there for me. Until I was thirteen, he was gone from early in the morning, after breakfast, till dinner time ... to work mostly. When he was home, he retreated into a book or turned on the radio. We kids were to be seen and not heard. He played music or the news during meals. Then the summer I turned thirteen he left us, at our mom's request. She said later that she couldn't take his criticism and silence. I was relieved. My brother was angry. He said that ended his hope of having a dad like everyone else. I was glad that I didn't have to pretend to sleep in on the weekends to avoid his anger. When I was engaged and brought my intended to meet him, Dad refused to shake hands with him. He stood there with his arms folded over his chest and told my fiancé that some people worked, and those who couldn't work were teachers. My fiancé was a teacher.

* Because my father was an alcoholic, it was almost like having two fathers. When he was sober he was loving and fun. When he was drunk I became the adult, since he became the one who needed to be taken care of.

* It was a wonderful, close relationship. His love and respect for my mother was the greatest gift a man can give his family. Although I grew up during the Depression, I never doubted that he would take care of me. He was well respected in our community, and I felt it a privilege to be his daughter.

Father--a powerful word. A positive word for some and painful for others. What is a father? Who is he supposed to be, and what is he supposed to do? Sometimes in my counseling practice I have heard women describe what they wish their fathers would be or had been, and my only response has been, “He doesn't exist anywhere.” He sounded like Superfather, who could bound from one building to another. Some create fathers in the image of what they want him to be rather than what he could ever be. Often we do this with God, our heavenly Father, too.

As I work with those in grief and trauma, I'm often given a window to look through into a person's theology. What we believe about God really comes to the forefront when we are hurting. And so often what I hear is what people wish God would be rather than who He is according to the Scriptures. But we cannot create God in the image we want Him to be in order to satisfy our needs. He is who He is, whether that meets our approval or not.

In the same way, some women will never have the father they want, not because of a deficiency in their dad but because what they desire is unrealistic and unattainable. For others, what they want is reasonable, and it would be healthier for their dad if he were that way. But some fathers are so emotionally and/or developmentally challenged it would take years of work--maybe even therapy--for his healing to occur. Only then could his daughter hope to see the preferred change in their father-daughter relationship.

The book The Wonder of Girls--Understanding the Hidden Nature of Our Daughters by Michael Gurian is one of the best books I've seen on this topic. In a very succinct way the author describes the impact of a father upon his daughter. He said,

A father who is honest with his daughter about his own flaws becomes her confidant. A father who remains stoic becomes her enigma to solve. A father who distances himself too greatly from his daughter becomes a burden she carries into life. If a father always finds time to cuddle, listen to, toss in the air, dance with, run alongside, coach, comfort, and protect his daughter, he will give her the gift of life he is built to give. If a father withholds nothing, teaching his daughter the life skills she needs to know, he shares an active kind of respect for variety in a girl's developing self. If a father competes with his daughter in games, but especially when she is young, lets her win her share of races, he is showing her both his own humility and her potential. And as a father helps a daughter enter the worlds of sexuality, romance and then marriage, a man becomes more than an arm to walk down the aisle with--he becomes-- in his daughter's mind fearless..."



Do you have a Dad-shaped whole in your heart? Want to talk? Please send us your concerns.



A Dad-Shaped Hole in my HeartExcerpted from: A Dad-Shaped Hole in My Heart: How God Wants to Heal the Wounds Left by Your Earthly Father by H. Norman Wright
Copyright © 2005; ISBN 0764200747
Published by Bethany House Publishers Used by permission. Unauthorized duplication prohibited.



H. Norman Wright~ H. Norman Wright is a licensed marriage, family, and child therapist and a Certified Trauma Specialist. He serves on the faculty of Talbot School of Theology at Biola University and is former director of Biola University's Graduate Department of Marriage, Family, and Child Counseling. He is the bestselling author of more than 70 books, including Communication: Key to Your Marriage, Quiet Times for Couples, and Always Daddy's Girl. Norman and his wife, Joyce, have been married for 45 years and live in Bakersfield, California.



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Raising a Confident Decision Maker


Donald Trump was once quoted as saying “I’m most impressed with someone who can make a decision. Even if the decision turns out not to be the right choice, at least a decision was made.” Although, this philosophy seems obvious, the practice of making a decision and the skills required to make a decision are not necessarily understood.

The concept of making a decision tends to carry a lofty connotation. We naturally assume that something warranting the title of ‘decision’ is a life altering or monumental situation and certainly not a trivial or insignificant event. Having the ability to make sound and confident decisions is a part of being a parent, worker and responsible member of society. In an ordinary day, we constantly face countless situations that require a determination of some varying degree. Whether choosing what to wear, what to eat, or how to structure your day, most people make hundreds of decisions effortlessly and without the conscious regard that a decision is being made.

Parenting 101For some, learning how to make a decision and how to trust in one’s decision making ability can be instinctual. For others making even the simplest of decisions can be a laborious, painstaking episode.

The signs of indecisiveness

Children who struggle with making decisions are often mislabeled as being fussy, attention seeking, difficult or high maintenance. Parents become frustrated with a child who can’t decide what to eat for lunch and siblings are intolerant of someone who can’t decide where to sit in the car. Peers mistake indecisiveness for manipulation or moodiness and teachers find that a child who can’t decide between which pencil to use or which book to read often becomes confused or distracted.

Some teens and adults vacillate between two different floor plans for the living room furniture or which suit to purchase for hours -- even days -- while others find on the job decisions or decisions that involve being authoritative extremely tough. Often, it is not until adulthood that many realize their indecisiveness stems from a struggle to make decisions and not from the desire to gain attention.

An environment conducive to decisions

Because the ability to make a decision is not always an inherent trait, most children need to learn how to assess situations, determine their personal needs and the needs of the entire situation, and be able to identify what the options are in order to make a decision.

Most households are stocked with a multitude of food, clothing and toy options for children. Having so many options to choose from can be overwhelming for children, thus causing their decision making process to shut down.

A child who has troubles making a decision choosing what to eat for breakfast may be perceived as being picky because he’s not sure which cereal or yogurt to select. In reality, he’s torn between making a choice between a few favorites and something new he’s been looking forward to sampling.

Providing a blend of guidance, constructive choices and reasonable consequences, you can foster a strong confidence in your child’s ability to make a decision. Beginning with small decisions such as what to eat for breakfast or what shirt to wear to school your child can start to feel comfortable making some of his own decisions. Offering only two to three breakfast foods, t-shirts to wear or books to read allow your child to have some control in making the determination, without feeling overwhelmed at having too many choices.

It can be compelling to make choices for children of all ages who struggle with making their own decisions. Resist automatically laying out his school clothes and encourage your child to use divergent thinking skills to make the final determination. Suggesting he eliminate one option at a time or look at characteristics of his choices helps a child take baby steps toward competent decision making.

Unless your child makes a decision that proves to be destructive or dangerous, allow him the freedom to experience consequences to some of his decisions. If he decides not to eat all of his dinner, he doesn’t enjoy dessert. If he decides to wear his brother’s favorite t-shirt, he has to wash it and apologize.

Boosting their confidence

Having a strong sense of self confidence is essential when making decisions. If a child is not confident in his abilities or instincts, he may not be willing offer up himself and his ideas to the scrutiny that making a decision brings.

Supporting your child’s abilities and praising the fact that he’s made a decision are easily implemented boosts that provide confidence. “Nice job choosing the blue shirt” or “You made a good choice by opting for toast and yogurt” offer subtle reassurance that he’s capable of making good decisions.

Practice makes perfect

Being wholly confident in the ability to make decisions does not occur after a child successfully makes one or two decisions. A young person needs to realize there are decisions to be made in every area of his life. Deciding who to play with on the playground or what to eat for lunch provides the foundation for being able to make decisions of greater impact later in life.

Remind your child that it is normal to question or wonder if you’re making the right decision, but ultimately he should trust and rely in what he believes to be the right decision. Point out that he makes many decision every day and that every decision is practice for when he needs to concentrate on a decision.

Resist criticizing

When a child finally emerges from his room after agonizing over making a decision, having his decision picked apart can work against the constructive message you’re trying to yield. Receiving a critique of what clothes he decided to wear to school piles on more grief associated with making the decision instead of calling attention to areas needing improvement.

Use positive reinforcement to praise the fact that he made a decision before pointing out that he should make another attempt at getting dressed or deciding how to solve a problem. “Let’s try making another choice” or “Do you think you should make another decision?” acknowledge his decision and gently offer the possibility he needs to rethink his choice.

~ Gina Roberts-Grey is an experienced family, parenting, pets and women's issues writer. She is a frequent contributor to numerous parenting publications and has provided feature columns to more than 100 Regional, National and International publications. Her work has been translated into Arabic, Chinese, French and Spanish, as well as reprinted in educational material.

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Is your family ready for a pet


Have you ever had to field questions like ‘Mom can we get a tree frog?’ ‘All my friends have a pet’ or ‘Why can’t I get a hamster?’ How often does your child plead with you to let him acquire another furry, scaly, winged or slimy friend? In the course of eighteen years, a typical child will have an average of at least five different species of pets. From sharing the family dog, to bringing home carnival goldfish or rescuing a lost cat, children relish the chance to bring animals into their homes and hearts.

Interestingly parents do not always share their child’s zeal for adding a new animal to the household. Knowing that pet ownership requires a serious commitment can be costly and demanding, parents instinctively answer their children’s line of questioning with trepidation.

Don't let bathing suit season scare you from the waterWhether your child is clamoring to start his own ant farm or citing one hundred reasons why a quaker parrot would complete his life, his zest to adopt a new pet has far reaching ramifications that he might not expect. While some parents openly embrace the part-time role of zookeeper, others are less willing to welcome a living menagerie into their home. Understanding to what extent a pet will impact everyone’s life is essential to successful pet ownership. Equally important is finding a pet that compliments the lifestyle and responsibility of the pet’s primary care giver.

Who is this new pet for? If your child is petitioning for a gerbil, the answer may seem obvious. Ironically, many adults realize their child’s new pet quickly becomes the parent’s responsibility. How much time does your child have to commit to a pet? Does he vacillate between a few pets that he’d like to acquire? Are you willing to dedicate time and energy to a new family member? Determining if your child is ready both mentally and physically to care for a new or additional pet will help define your role as either parent or zookeeper.

Taking ownership

One of the greatest potentials for failure associated with pet ownership occurs when the ‘honeymoon’ is over. Bringing a cuddly new puppy or kitten home virtually guarantees at least a week of euphoric participation. Once the novelty fades, the realization sets in that the teddy bear hamster your child absolutely couldn’t live without, and vowed to completely care for, requires scheduled care and frequent interaction. Regardless of his baseball schedule practice or scout meetings, a dog still needs to get proper exercise and the cat’s litter box needs to be cleaned.

To a child, there is a drastic difference between purchasing a pet and owning one. A purchase is associated with money while ownership requires investing time, energy and affection. Although saving birthday money or earning an allowance and ‘behavior credits’ to purchase a pet are admirable, paying for an animal is a child’s first step toward ownership.

Your child’s active participation in all aspects of the care and nurturing of his pet is the best method to teach ownership and pet responsibility. Basing his level of ownership on his age, maturity and cooperative attitude helps prevent everyone’s frustration and disappointment.

Is my child ready?

Caring for a pet teaches responsibility and increases feelings of competency, however it is important to assign age appropriate tasks. Setting realistic expectations before bringing home a new pet will avoid you becoming disappointed in your child’s level of participation, and your child becoming disappointed in the level of involvement he is able to commit to.

Two and three year olds look forward to the chance to begin participating in basic pet care duties. They are terrific assistants when you’re grooming a puppy with a soft brush and can help you give a pet a bath. Young children can aid in cleaning out the gerbil or hermit crab’s tank by helping you rinse out cage items and replace clean bedding. At this stage, you can also lay the foundation for safe and respectful pet ownership by explaining the importance of kind and gentle interaction with pets.

Four and five year olds are able to join you walking a puppy, ferret or leash friendly bunny. Purchasing a leash that has two hand loops lets your child hold the bottom loop as you offer a subtle layer of protection by holding the top loop. You can also introduce them to safety hazards that threaten pets such as letting a pet off a leash, leaving items lying around that a curious pet may want to taste, or leaving the gate to the yard open.

Six to eight year olds can typically assume some of the responsibility for feeding their pets. They can accompany you to the store to purchase crickets to feed to a leopard gecko or shred vegetables to feed an iguana. Keep food for your child’s pet in small, easy to handle containers that are accessible to your child to promote his participation. Tacking a small calendar on his bedroom door or inside a frequently used cabinet serves as a visual reminder of when it’s time to feed his pet. Children this age appreciate the chance to increase their responsibility and can also add giving a pet fresh water to their repertoire.

Nine to twelve year olds should be encouraged to attend training and obedience classes with you and your family dog or partake in reading about the proper care and handling of a new guinea pig. Kids this age should also share in some of the less appealing tasks of pet ownership. Cleaning the litter box, using the ‘poop scoop’ or replacing the lining of the bird cage is dreaded by everyone. Young pet owners need to realize these chores are realistic aspects of owning a pet. After explaining the health and safety procedures to your child, burgeoning teens and tweens can follow a schedule of advanced care and maintenance procedures associated with their pet. Your child will feel empowered from gaining accurate and effective knowledge in how to care for, understand and communicate with his pet.

The circle of life

The lifespan and lifestyle of a potential pet should be heavily considered during the selection process. Children who are extremely sensitive or struggle with change may not fair well with fragile or unstable pets. High energy kids may not be suited for docile breeds of dogs or certain reptiles that require delicate handling.

Any pet owner knows that the mere mention of the demise of their pet is unthinkable. As painful as it is, children need to be aware that pets are not immortal. A clear understanding of an animal’s expected life span will aid in selecting a companion. Children also need to understand that a new pet can not replace one that has been lost or left this world. Keeping in mind that gerbils live approximately two years and certain turtles have the propensity to outlive their owners, guides your child in the right pet direction.

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The Power of a Lunch Box Letter


For most of us it has gone too fast. Summer; long warm days, the beach, the lack of year round routine, has once again come and gone so very quickly. I love looking outside and seeing the sun shine. I love going to the park and just for a moment in time pretending there is no where else in the world then right here with my kids. Summer is indeed my favourite season and the very thought that it seldom passes slowly is a bit upsetting.

Yet, there is something that I know my children miss in the summer months, something that is just done more with verbal enforcement. It is part of every month, every week at my house yet; somehow it just happens to be more part of my routine during the school year. It is the one thing I try so hard to do, it is the one thing I hope will change a part of my children forever.

It is a lunch box letter. Take a minute to reflect exactly what I mean.

The bell has rang for lunch. It is noon hour once again. She rushes to get her lunch tucked carefully in her backpack. She opens it, knowing that there will be a sandwich made just the way she likes it. She peeks in to pull out today’s treat; mommy’s homemade chocolate chip cookies. Moving her drink and apple aside, she sees at the bottom something she cherishes each day. It is a lunch box letter. It’s just a short note with lots of love wrapped around it. It reminds her again that she is loved. It wishes her the best day and hopes she does will do well on the test her mom knew she would encounter just after the noon break. It the sentiment that is packed with the four food groups by the mom who makes sure her daughter gets everything she needs.

The lunch box letter for our family is a love note written to my children (and hubby) that I carefully tuck inside their lunch. A reminder in the midst of the day, that they are loved and thought of often. As days passed, I realized something important. This special action needed to be filtered into every aspect of their lives. It soon became a reminder love note when we are separated overnight stating that they are still the world to me. It is the card on the table beside their toast, just because. It is not expensive but yet undoubtedly priceless. It is a part of me, for them, where ever they go and in whatever they do.

We all have ways that encourage those around us. It could be a simple hug, a quick kiss on the cheek or your family traditional high five. I will not argue those memories are great and I will be the first to admit that physical affection should take a huge priority. Yet, in this hurried life I think there is something that we could easily lack everyday. It is something that most of us could slip to the back burner without little thought…..it is the power of written or verbal encouragement.

* These letters help produce security. I remember the day; I dropped my daughter to first grade. I am sure this is what started that first note. She screamed as she was terribly stranger shy. She wanted me and nobody else. It reminded me of the things that must go on in a child’s mind throughout the school day. It must be a frightening thought that often, they are alone in a place that they spend most of the year. So, this is just to offer them the chance to hear familiar words or know that some care could change that thought from fear to comfort, from anxiety to security.

* These letters help produce confidence. I firmly believe that the one thing that can change any fear is remembering words of encouragement. Our world can be changed by knowing there are others in the world routing for us.

* These letters make it easier to smile to the midst of your day. What better thing can you ask for? I will be the first to admit, that there was a short moment in time, my son was not sure of this loving affection. Like any young boy, there is time that mommy’s playground hugs are too embarrassing to share. Even the note, a little paper from mom, played a bit awkward for my boy. It was simply solved with telling him they were put there because of my sheer of love for him and soon he learned that they should cause a smile not blushing cheeks. We have all heard the scripture “A merry heart does good like a medicine”. So, this is a simple way to spread the joy in your family.

* These letters give them a lifetime of the encouragement every child needs. You may think that I really am placing a lot of emphasis on one little piece of paper. Yet, in fact, it is about putting attention on the need to make encouragement a habit. These little notes provided us with an opportunity to give our child a lifetime of edification. Words are not magic, I agree. They do, however, provide us with the much need reminder that we are valued and important to others.

* These letters remind them no matter where they are that they are loved. The most important thing that each letter contains is a simple “I love you”. Even at the youngest age, I could provide those words or a small diagram to indicate just how important my love for them is. It is the direct part of the note that indicates exactly how I feel in my hurried day. It is the joint purpose of every letter.

There were times I wondered if my lunch box letters were as valued as I thought they are. I wondered if they were indeed a vital part of my child’s day. Or were they starting to out grow the need for some “mommy love” in the middle of the day. I was not sure until I opened the door to my daughter's room to see what exactly she needed that new bulletin board for. She did not have “rock star” posters or sports banners. I found no magazine clippings from her favourite magazine. There I saw, to my amazement, every letter I have ever given to her. I was astonished to see, even the letters that I wrote on scrap paper with a broken crayon, had found a special place in her heart.



~ Gwen Jewell fulfilled her life long dream by being a mom of three children, one child through the love-filled journey of adoption. She has been blessed to be a foster mother to many special needs teenagers who have given her experiences of great value. When she is not doing a load of laundry, supervising Sunday School, or cheering from the sidelines, she finds a few moments for her passion to write.



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20 Fun Resolutions for a Happier You


Tired of making the same old New Year’s resolutions, knowing full well you won’t stick to them? Even though most of us truly want to be healthier, get more exercise, and improve our daily lives, our resolve to do so just doesn’t seem strong enough for us to follow through.

Rather than repeating your old resolutions this year, try some of these culled from the lists of nine experts in women’s physical and mental health. You’re bound to find a few that not only help you live a better life, but that you’ll actually enjoy keeping!

In 2006, I resolve to:

1. Smile more. Laurie Steelsmith, N.D., L. Ac., author of Natural Choices for Women’s Health: How the Secretsof Natural and Chinese Medicine Can Create A Lifetime of Wellness, recommends looking at your reflection every day and giving yourself the gift of a loving smile.

2. Wind-up to unwind. Sometimes nothing helps you unwind better than a few minutes of silliness. I have a collection of wind-up toys and whenever I feel I’m wound just a little too tight, I set them all off at the same time.

3. Make small change. Changing one small thing can change everything. Find a tiny step you’re willing to take now and pledge to do it, no matter how minor it may seem. (Learn more at www.speakingofwomenshealth.com).

4. Get curiouser and curiouser. The more you want to know about the world around you, the more passionate you become about your life. Curiosity also helps you stay open-minded and flexible, according to Syracuse Cultural Workers (www.syracuseculturalworkers.org).

5. Make every step count. A pedometer can be the most motivational piece of exercise equipment you can own. I got one two years ago and every time I strap it on, I tend to walk longer and further, just to watch the miles and calories burned click off.

6. Go au natural. Nature nourishes our bodies and souls, according to Linda Breen Pierce, author of Simplicity Lessons: A 12-Step Guide to Living Simply, but we spend most of our days surrounded with unnatural things: cubicle walls, wall-to-wall-carpet, technology. Keep in touch with nature by touching the earth every day.
7. Make pleasure a priority. Wendy Maltz, a nationally recognized author suggests you write a list of things that bring you joy and make sure to do something from that list every week.

8. Add more color. Choose your fruits and vegetables as you do your friends – the more colorful the better.

9. Water it down. We all know we should drink more water and less coffee, tea and soda, but it can be hard to make the substitution. Dr. Jyotsna Sahni, an internist, recommends making water more interesting by adding a drop of essential oil of peppermint, spearmint, or orange.

10. Wake up happy. It’s simple really – before your feet hit the floor, say to yourself, “Today I choose happiness. I will find the bright side, the good things, and the beauty in this day.”

11. Schedule fewer extracurricular activities. Linda Breen Pierce suggests deciding how many hours a week you have to invest in activities not related to your priorities and then sticking to that number.

12. Buy power tools. Don’t let the guys in your life have all the fun! There’s something empowering about owning your own power tool and knowing how to use it.

13. Get fishy. Not only does eating fish reduce your risk of heart disease, stroke, arthritis, and cancer, it can also improve your mood.

14. Listen. We often think of communication skills as being the ability to say what we mean and mean what we say, but the art of communication is as much about closing our mouth as it is about opening it.

15. Never end the day with the news. Make it a habit never to watch the news or anything of a violent nature immediately before going to bed. Sleep is a time to rest and become rejuvenated. Images of trauma can sear themselves into your brain and keep you awake or interrupt your dreams. Instead, end your day with something that makes you joyful.

16. Become a morning person. Linda Breen Pierce recommends going to sleep thirty minutes earlier and getting up thirty minutes earlier for meditation, journal writing, a quiet walk in nature, or just sitting on the porch listening to the birds sing.

17. Schedule a “Fix It Day” once a month. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, but if it is, put it on your schedule. If you can’t fix it yourself, let a professional take care of it. Cindy Glovinsky notes that much of the clutter in our lives is a result of things that don’t work piling up around the house.

18. Put it on the calendar. Instead of spending your time and energy wondering if and when you should go in for preventive health tests, Dr. Sahni recommends you sit down with your new calendar, choose a date, and schedule your Pap smear, mammogram, and bone density test.

19. Have a fashion show once every six months. Twice a year, drag all your clothes, shoes, and accessories out and model them for yourself. If they don’t fit, don’t suit your sense of style any more, or just never get worn, pack them off to a local charity.

20. Make a new funny friend. Friendship is one of the healthiest things we women do in our lives. Not only does having friends who make you laugh help you feel better in good times and bad, it also creates all kinds of healthy changes in your body . Whenever you meet someone who makes you laugh really hard this year, invite them out to lunch.

Choose a few of these resolutions for your own this year and come December 31, 2006 you’ll probably be patting yourself on the back for keeping them all.



Related reading:

Find your purpose
Learn the art of encouragement



~ Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant is a stress management speaker, author and comic. She won the 2003 Erma Bombeck Humor Writing Competition with her column, “The First Time's Always The Worst”. Read it and other funny stuff on Leigh Anne’s site www.accidentalcomic.com .

Class With a Twist


I have a girlfriend who always looks like a million bucks — even though she prides herself on her frugality. She buys most of her clothes on clearance racks and at used clothing consignment shops, but she has an eye for quality fabrics and great lines. On top of that, she has an innate sense of what types of clothes are personally becoming and a talent for putting things together with panache.

Are you happy with your body? Just as I admire Pam’s ability to create a high-couture-look on a budget, I applaud people who pull off classy remodeling projects with limited finances. I’m particularly noticing these transformations now because the home my family built twelve years ago is showing signs of age and wear. So I’ve started researching ways to match my dreams to my purse. Here are some of the money-saving principles I’ve discovered.

Limit structural changes

If possible, find ways to enlarge a room without altering the roof or foundation (the two most expensive elements in construction). Perhaps you can move an interior wall, add a large bay window or cantilever a room out a couple of feet. Builder Dee Erickson of Billings, Montana, has often enlarged small bedrooms by bumping closets out on exterior walls. “This allowed me to reclaim the original closet space to make the room two feet larger,” she explains.

You’ll also save substantially if you don’t move plumbing, wiring and jacks.

Choose a few focal points

Pick a few special things to give a room pizzazz. “The rest of the budget can be cut considerably if you have something beautiful to focus on,”comments Interior Designer Ann Newcomer, ASID, of DesignWorks in Lincoln, Nebraska. “Often, you can take an element that is expensive and feature it in a very limited way...surrounding it with compatible materials that are much lower in price.

“For instance, I’ve taken expensive metallic tiles and granite listellos (usually used as liner bars over backsplashes) and used small pieces mixed with basic ceramic tile to create backsplashes and range backdrops."

In a similar vein, instead of doing all of a kitchen’s counters in the same material, designers often limit an expensive material, such as granite, to an island.

Rather than covering an entire room with high-end wallpaper, Ginny Pokorny of Ehly’s Decorating in Omaha, Nebraska, has used the paper inside wall panels she created with thin molding. “This provided a dramatic effect, while providing considerable savings,” Ginny explainns.

For a stylish accent on a backsplash or range surround, consider sets of tiles that mimic the look of a hand-painted mural and coordinate with plainer tiles.

You can also find sets of decals that form murals on tiles. Companies that produce laser images on glass, tile, stone and solid surfaces offer limitless possibilities for designing a one-of-a-kind look. Imagine, a picture of family members transferred to a piece of marble used in a fireplace surround...or a wildlife image on black granite adorning the base of a kitchen island...or a favorite piece of artwork on bathroom ceramic wall tiles.

Employ clever techniques

Ann Newcomer shares an approach she’s used in older homes with tall ceilings. “Many of these homes have cove molding at the ceiling line, but they can benefit from a heavier looking treatment. So I have added very simple, smaller moldings a couple of inches in on the ceiling and a couple of inches down on the wall. And then I’ve painted the three strips of molding and the surface in between a single accent color. As a result, it appears to be one large molding.”

Ann also suggests adding special details, such as molding, brackets and carved pieces to a stock line of cabinetry to make it look like higher-end or custom cabinetry.

Shop around

Ask around to locate builder surplus stores, builder discard areas in local home improvement stores and discount stores which sell carpet seconds that often have imperceptible flaws. You may be able to find the perfect flooring remnant or a readymade countertop that someone mismeasured. Chances are, you’ll also come across handles and knobs for cabinets at a fraction of the regular cost. (If replacement handles don’t quite line up with the holes in your existing cabinets, a back plate can often be added under the handle.)

By comparing cabinetry costs, you may discover a local shop may offer a better price than stock cabinets, particularly if you are willing to wait so they can be built during the slow season. Because the mixed look is popular in kitchens, shop at flea markets and garage sales for a used armoire, hutch or bookcase (which can work like a pantry cabinet). An interesting table can also become a charming island.

If you’re doing a large scale project, you may be able to obtain special “roll pricing” if you use the same carpet throughout your home.

Use alternate materials

If you love the look of real stone, but a granite countertop would crush your budget, consider a counter or backsplash made of granite tile (which is much cheaper than a slab). Or you may want to look into laminated countertops with thin slabs of actual granite bonded to a mesh and then glued to a wood base. Yet another possibility is one of the new inexpensive laminates which look like granite. When mounted to a 45-pound density board with routed edges, installers can produce a beveled edge – without the tell-tale brown seams. Edges can also be trimmed with wood for a decorative look. But that’s not all. Today’s laminates do a great job of replicating a variety of stones, stained concrete, metal and solid surfaces as well.

There is also a wealth of look-alikes to choose from when it comes to flooring. There are laminates that look like oak, cherry, maple, cork and several stones. Also available, are vinyls that look like brick, wood and stone. The look of stone can be found in ceramic tiles, or even tiles made from a composite of vinyl and limestone.

Wallpapering offers still more ways to create a deceivingly expensive look. Jen Jacobson of Ehly’s Decorating in Omaha comments, “Wallpaper murals are much more affordable than actual murals and there are murals that replicate fireplaces, bookshelves, columns, library paneling and windows with views. Wallpapering that resembles a brick or stone wall can be very attractive as a backsplash in the kitchen. We even carry a three-dimensional paper that looks like a cedar log house, which works well in a rustic family room.”

Other products that look expensive include “liquid wallpaper” – a paint with multicolored specks which provides a sponge painting appearance (without the costly labor), rub-on stencils and paintable, textured wallpaper.

Refurbish instead of replace

Rather than replacing cabinets, consider painting them, doing a wash over the existing finish, or replacing the doors and door fronts and having the bases resurfaced with a veneer. Ann Newcomer feels refacing cabinets is particularly viable for homeowners who do not have children, but isn’t sure “it would hold up well under the heavy use common with active families.” A different look can also be achieved by replacing door panels with glass or fabric.

If the color of your appliances is dated, you may want to purchase wood or stainless steel panels to cover them or to have them painted by by an appliance refinishing company or even an automobile paint shop.

For worn tubs and sinks, look under “Bathroom Remodeling” in the Yellow Pages for companies that resurface tubs and sinks. Be sure to ask about warranties.

Do projects in stages when possible

Some things are relatively easy to do later to minimize initial expense, such as upgrading faucets, adding molding or putting roll-out shelves or spice racks in cabinets. Other projects, like installing ceramic flooring or thicker wood flooring, may create problems when lining up woodwork or cabinets.

With careful research, planning and choices, your purse and your dreams can coexist peacefully!


~ This article originally appeared in Her Home magazine. More articles are available at HerHome.com.

~ In addition to writing on home-building topics, Joyce Vollmer Brown is the author of several inspirational books including Courageous Christians: Devotional Stories for Family Reading, published by Moody Press.

*Photo 1: Wilsonart’s Red Label Collection of laminate flooring in Smoked Oak adds distinction to this comfortable room. Photo courtesy of Wilsonart.

*Photo 2: A clever application of paint and molding created the illusion of more substantial, high-end trim. Photo courtesy of Ann Newcomer, ASID, DesignWorks, Lincoln, NE

*Photo 3: Wilsonart's Mesa Desert laminate mimics granite, with a special bullnose edge. Photo courtesy of Wilsonart.

*Photo 4: This room's "bookcase" is actually wallpaper. Photo courtesy of Blonder Home AccentsTM.

Protecting Your Kids in an Online World


Today's kids are living in a whole new world - one that's practically unrecognizable to anyone who grew up in the twentieth century. Blogs, ipods, MSN, nexopia, myspace, peer-to-peer…if this sounds like Greek to you, then you're not part of this new world. But your kids are.

The mainstreaming of the internet has radically altered the way in which kids view and interact with the world around them. On the positive side, it has opened up opportunities and advantages that no other generation has ever enjoyed. Access to information is unprecedented. Walls that have kept diverse cultures apart are falling. Instant communication with someone on the other side of the world is not only possible, but free of charge.

Hope for parents linkOn the downside, there is a dangerous side to this new technology. Internet pornography is rampant. Chat rooms can be breeding grounds for predators. Webcams have led to kids' images being used for all kinds of unsavory purposes. And a lot of kids are walking into the traps unawares.

What's a parent to do? How can we free our kids up to benefit from the opportunities all this technology provides, without falling prey to the snares? Here are some things for you to consider.

Educate yourself

With the rate at which technology changes now, most parents have been left in the dust and don't have a clue about what's available to their kids. How many times have you asked your teen for help with the computer? I know I've done it many times. They're far beyond me in their understanding of the technology, and that makes it a real parenting challenge.

Nevertheless, we cannot hide behind the excuse that “I just don’t understand technology." You’ve got to go there. You've got to be brave enough to say, "I will do whatever it takes to understand what's out there, and I'll engage with it alongside my kids." You cannot guide them and protect them from something you know nothing about. It may be intimidating, but ignorance is not an option.

We've got some resources that will really help you. Set aside 20 minutes to watch our show on this topic online. Take some time to read an outstanding Internet 101 primer for parents, available through www.wiredsafety.org. Browse through the website of the Safe Online Outreach Society, or do a Google search on internet safety. But whatever you do, don't just stick your head in the sand and hope this problem won't touch your kids. They will face it, but there is help for you if you'll seek it out.

Move the computer

Computers in the bedroom are a recipe for trouble. Kids are much more likely to be getting into areas online that they should not be going if they can do so behind the closed door of their own room.

Recent studies have shown that up to 30% of teenagers have internet access in their bedrooms, and 10% of kids as young as 8 also have it. In addition, some parents allow kids to have computers in their rooms that aren't hooked up to the internet, not realizing that if their next-door neighbours have wireless internet access (as many people do), the kids can often access it without even being connected.

I'm not advocating that you turn your home into some kind of police state where your kids have no freedom. You don't need to be peering over their shoulder every time they're on the computer. But the bottom line is you’ve got to protect your kids by giving enough supervision that they’re not going to go places that are problematic. Put the computer in the kitchen, or the family room, or somewhere else that you could be walking by – in a common area where Mom, Dad, and other kids can see what’s going on.

If you're not willing to go that far, at the very least you need to have the rule that, if they want to have it in their bedroom, they have to leave the door open while they are online. They have to leave the door open, or it has to come back out in the family room. Yes, they may protest that you are invading their privacy. But as a parent you do have the responsibility to protect your children. Allowing them unchecked access to the online world behind closed doors is just not wise.

Establish boundaries and safeguards

Along with keeping the computer in a public place, there are some other things you can do to create an environment where your kids can enjoy the benefits of technology while minimizing the risks. One is to install an internet filter on your computer. A filter allows you to set limits on the kinds of material your kids can access online, and prevents inappropriate pop-ups from coming through. Check out this internet filter review to find one that would work for your family.

Beyond the filters, it’s also important for you to put in place some family internet standards. For example, how long can they be online each day? When can they be online? What are they allowed to use the computer for? What things are off limits? Is it a privilege or is it just their expectation? Take the time to think through these questions and establish your family boundaries.

Talk to your kids

You need to take the step of actually engaging with your kids about these issues. At the end of the day, when you ask them about their day at school, ask them as well what happened in their online world today - because it truly is a huge part of their world. You need to acknowledge that and be a part of it.

As you educate yourself and become increasingly aware of the potential pitfalls, talk to your kids about it. Tell them, “I’m concerned about this. Are you aware of this, son? Are you aware of this, daughter?" And then educate them in how to be wise and safe. Remember, even if their ability to use the computer outstrips yours, their critical thinking skills and discernment do not. They need you to guide them in making good decisions.

We've got a couple of posters available through our website, courtesy of kidsmart.org.uk: the Kids' Bill of Rights and How to Keep SMART on the Internet. Print these off and post them near your computer to you remind your kids of some of the things you have talked about.

Maintain relationship

It's very convenient to let technology babysit our kids for us - whether it's the computer, the television or the video games. It's easy, and it gives us time to do our own thing, but ultimately it's not a plan that's going to be beneficial to our kids.

Your kids need you. They need your time, attention, encouragement and guidance. There is no substitute for building a great relationship with your children. And once you have that kind of relationship it provides a great context for talking to them about the issues in their lives, whether internet-related or otherwise. They will also be more likely to consider your input and respect the boundaries you put in place if they know that you really are looking out for their best interests.

The internet does not need to be a scary place, if you will take the time to educate yourself and your kids about the dangers, and take reasonable steps to protect them. Be wise, be safe, and enjoy the benefits that this new world has to offer.

More Family:
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~Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC, and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored, a television program airing weekly across Canada. Check www.marriageuncensored.com for local broadcast information.