Does Living In A Loveless Marriage Necessarily Mean That You Should Get A Divorce

Being in a loveless marriage is a frustrating predicament, but it may not necessarily mean that a divorce is eminent. Solving the quandary of a loveless marriage requires self-reflection to assess the situation, courage to try to create a team effort for the best decision with your spouse, and gumption to face the reality that a divorce may be the best solution for the loveless marriage.

But, before you jump right to the easy way out and decide on divorce, you should got through the process of making sure that you have logically thought through long-term implications of ending the loveless marriage.

Being in a loveless marriage and deciding whether to get a divorce based on this one fact alone is a misuse of an opportunity. Its not like deciding whether to stay married due to an extramarital affair or other marriage problems like abuse or living in a sexless marriage, choosing the right divorce decision when it comes to a loveless marriage is a totally different situation.

The opportunity is great to grow personally that is present when you're deciding about divorce because of being in a loveless marriage. Let's take a look at some of the items that are relevant to this situation regarding a loveless marriage and how you can approach this
time in your life from a mature standpoint and come to the right choice while growing at the same time.

Loveless marriage item 1: Define love as you see it and assess whether or not your spouse agrees somewhat with you, at least in a complementary fashion.

For a loveless marriage to be assessed properly, making sure your idea or definition of love is "clear" is a solid way to make sure that you know what you've lost. And, if your spouses idea of what love is differs from yours so much that you both can't somewhat reap the
benefits of love, you may need counseling to get to the root issue of your loveless marriage.

Loveless marriage item 2: Make sure that you are in fact out of love before you go further with steps to divorce or try to work it out.

Ask yourself, "Am I really out of love or am I giving up?". Keeping love alive can take work and strong communication with yourself and spouse. List the reasons why you think you're out of love and decide if those reasons prohibit a rekindling of love, assuming you were actually in love at some point. Being in a loveless marriage doesn't necessarily mean that it has to stay that way!

Loveless marriage item 3: Decide if you were ever really in love as you define love.

Your loveless marriage could have always been loveless, you may have just been to distracted to notice. You may have received other benefits from being with your spouse in the past that you aren’t getting now and that could be why you're frustrated and living in a loveless marriage.

Of course, if you were in fact in love with your spouse at one time in the past, you both might not have done what needs to be done to keep love alive. Before you do anything about your loveless marriage, make sure you understand how your idea of love may have changed over time, and really contemplate if you were really ever in love.

Loveless marriage item 4: Assessing whether or not you need to be in love to stay married and if so, can your love be re-kindled?

This item regarding a loveless marriage is a crucial point in your decision making process. Some people stay married even when they are in a loveless marriage because the benefits they get from being married psychologically outweigh the need for love. These benefits could many things and could stem from lack of self confidence, money, fear of loneliness, etc.

If you're a person who needs love to stay married, make sure that you really think about how rejuvenate the love in your loveless marriage before you decide on divorce. If you're struggling regarding a decision about your loveless marriage, it means that it is worth fighting for.

If you really do soul searching and talk with your spouse openly about the lack of zest in your marriage in the hopes of making it better, you may find that your spouse feels the same way that you do!

Being a loveless marriage can be a drain on your day to day energy if you need love to stay happily married. If your marriage is worth it to you, be mature about the situation and do all you can to rekindle the love before you do anything else. If you do, you'll grow personally as
will your spouse regardless whether or not you get a divorce.

Karl Augustine

10 Things Women Should Know About Sex After Having a Baby By Laurel Barnet Platinum Quality Author

Your whole life changes after having a baby. You may be starting to wonder about how your marriage and sexual relationship will change once your are parents. Read on to discover ten things that you should know about sex after having a baby.

1. Waiting for Sex

How long do you have to wait to have sex after having a baby? Usually you can resume sex four to six weeks after delivery before having sex. Talk to your health-care provider about when it is safe for you to have sex again.

2. “I Haven’t Got Time for The Pain”

If you had an episiotomy, then you may have some discomfort when you first have sex. There are two things that can help: water-soluble lubricant and position yourself on top and your partner on the bottom. If you are on top it is easier to move into a more comfortable position if your partner touches a sensitive area.

3. Another Pregnancy?

You can get pregnancy fairly soon after delivery, even if you are breastfeeding. I have had patients get pregnant in less than six weeks. If you do not want to get pregnant immediately, then use birth control.

4. Your Post-Baby Body

Your body is no longer the same after having a baby. Some of the changes you can work on through exercise and diet. Other changes are permanent.

You may feel self-conscious about your post-baby body. On the other hand, your husband still thinks you are sexy and enjoys seeing your body.

5. Are You Listening?

You may find it hard to stay focused on sex when you are listening for the baby. This may get easier as the baby gets older and does not wake up as often.

6. The Baby is Wet But You Are Not

Breastfeeding can cause vaginal dryness and pain with sex. Use a water-soluble lubricant or talk to your health-care provider about using vaginal estrogen.

7. You Might Prefer Sleep Over Sex

Fatigue is one of the most common causes of low sex drive in women. New moms are usually sleep deprived and exhausted. It is not uncommon for your sex drive to diminish.

8. Super-Mom and Super-Sex Goddess?

A lot of women have trouble going from being mom to lover within a few minutes. Take some time to unwind before sex to help you change roles.

9. There is a Baby in Your Room

You may feel uncomfortable having sex if your newborn is in a bassinet in your room. A young baby will not be aware of what you are doing. If you are having trouble relaxing try having sex in a different room.

10. The Sex Exercise

The vagina gets stretched out during pregnancy and childbirth. Kegel exercises can help tighten and strengthen the pelvic muscles.

Having a new baby is an exciting time filled with wonder and awe. It is easy to get so caught up with the baby that you neglect your marriage relationship. The most important gift you can give your baby is a stable family and that includes a strong marriage. Sex is just one part of having a strong marriage.

If you are ready for more information about how to keep your marriage strong, the visit our website at [http://www.BuildingYourDreamMarriage.com].

I would like to invite you to discover how you can be "Daytime Parents and Nighttime Lovers" at [http://www.SexTipsForParents.com].

Sex is to marriage what hot is to soup. You can have one without the other, but it is not nearly as palatable. Good luck in building your dream marriage- Laurel Barnet

3 Marriage Relationships Tips To Keep Relationships and Marriage Love-Fille

Marriage relationships can be the most fulfilling life experience you will ever have -- or the worst! You are clearly wise enough to value your relationships and marriage, and to want to make them as special as can be. So what can you do to make your marriage relationships blissful and harmonious, loving, passionate and romantic? Here are 3 tips to keep the sparkle in your relationships and marriage....

1. Relationships as a work of art

What makes a painting valuable? Usually it's the rarity of the painting (there's only one), and the mastery of the artist. Your marriage relationships are just as rare. Nobody can duplicate exactly your marriage or love relationship. It's unique. And that makes it special. If you add to that the attention and care that you choose to give your partnership, you can see how valuable it really is. Start to appreciate your relationships and marriage more. Reframe the way you look at it. Take time to enjoy it. Luxuriate in what is wonderful about it and be sure to express lots of appreciation to your partner for every little thing. And appreciate yourself too -- you created this -- and you will make it even better!

2. Marriage as a pathway to self development

Marriage knocks the sharp edges off you and rounds you out as an individual. In the best marriage relationships, both partners strive hard to keep on improving and growing. That way they remain attractive and interesting to one another. Don't settle into a relationship. Life is an adventure in growth and development. Always strive to improve. Look for ways to be more loving. Exercise your creativity to surprise and delight your partner -- we all want to have fun, especially us gals!

3. Marriage relationships as a focus for love

When you and I eventually leave this mortal coil, it will be the relationships we formed and the love that we gave and received that will be most meaningful for us. Make LOVE your focus in life and your life will be so very rich. Let your marriage relationships be your major life project, your purpose if you will. Learn to give more and to put more love into your relationships and marriage. See just how far you can go and keep pushing back the borders of your love. What a truly wonderful life you will create. As you focus love in on your primary love relationship, and it flourishes under your touch, you will soon find yourself pouring love into all your relationships with family, friends and the world. Such actions make this world a better place.

Thinking About Remarriage (Watch Your S-T-E-P!)

"I don’t see why I should have to change anything! After all, he’s moving into our house." This statement came from the same daughter who had joyfully helped me select the pale pink satin for the wedding dress I’d be wearing in a few weeks. With words and attitude, I felt like she’d thrown down the gauntlet.

When I mentioned her comments to my soon-to-be husband who had never had children of his own, he said, "That’s okay. I’ve been working with youth groups for the last 29 years. I’ve handled small groups, large groups, and one-to-one counseling sessions and studies. Surely one teenager shouldn’t be that big of a problem." Was he in for a surprise!

Although my daughter willingly participated in the wedding and other festivities, that afternoon was the beginning of a difficult transition. I had followed the wisdom that said that once your children were out of the house you are safe to remarry with few complications. Although my daughter still lived with me, she was beginning her senior year of high school. I thought it was close enough.

Her brother, who was two and a half years older, had been away at college and didn’t seem to care one way or the other. Little did I expect that within two months of my wedding, he too would be back home. My husband and I simply underestimated the enormous challenges that would face us for the next several years.

My husband and I often joked about what we had become: a "blended family." But we had been married only a short time when I felt as if we had been thrown, not into a nice little milk shake blender, but into one of those grinder-slicer-dicer-chopper things.

As a school teacher and mental health counselor, I thought I understood how children of single-parent families felt about their lives and the issues that surrounded divorce and remarriage. I knew it would be hard as we tried to adjust to a new family identity. I wish it had been only as simple as knowing it would be hard.

We have now come through most of the trials, but it has been a seven year struggle for my children, my husband, me—and our marriage.

Many single parents assume that the difficulties they face in parenting and their personal lives would be easier if they remarried. This fallacy is accepted by many churches, and the pressure on single parents to remarry increases.

The problem with this philosophy is that it fails to consider the needs of children of divorce. With very few exceptions, the children hold on to the fantasy that Mom and Dad will reunite, and the fantasy doesn’t vanish with the remarriage of either or both parents. The children’s goal remains to get their parents back together and that makes blending tough.

Does that mean that single parents can never remarry happily? It is possible with preparation, patience and prayer. I will use the letters S-T-E-P to help you understand how you might proceed.

SLOOWWW down. Do not rush your children into to trying to like someone. A person you’re dating should not even be introduced to your children unless you are sure he or she is a "keeper." Your children won’t understand the concept of "we’re just friends," so they will see every date as a potential replacement for Mom or Dad.

TALK to someone. Talk to a professional Christian counselor, your clergyman or a wise Christian friend. Although Solomon was not writing about stepfamilies in Proverbs 19:20, his advice is still applicable: "Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise."

EXPECT difficulties. Understand that your children have the fantasy of reuniting their original family. They have to grieve their losses. Surprisingly, older children need even more time to grieve than younger children. Remember that they must grieve the loss of a dream—which is often harder than grieving loss by death.

Just as it takes time to heal, it also takes time to build and rebuild relationships. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, "He [God] has made everything beautiful in its time." Although you’d expect that most readjustments would need to be made by the stepparent, the biological parent has adjustments of his or her own, including issues of authority within the new household as well as communication challenges with the other parent.

PROCEED with caution. Although it is not impossible to have a happy and satisfying stepfamily, know that, should you make that decision, there will be some arduous days ahead. Proceed with caution and prayer. Keep in mind Paul’s admonition in Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God."

Is Remarriage A Step in the Right Direction

"We're in love and we're ready to get married," they said. "Terrific," I responded. "Are your children ready for you to get married?" It was the first session of pre-remarital counseling and already Angie and Mike were caught off guard. "What do you mean?" Angie asked. "I'm sure our kids will have some adjustments to make, but that shouldn't take long. Besides, my kids are really enjoying Mike at this point-what's to be concerned about?" I could tell already that this couple was like most, they grossly underestimated the transition that remarriage has on the single-parent home. We had a lot of work to do.

Shelly's opening question was much different from Angie and Mike's. It had been five years since her divorce and she had made a concerted effort to work toward healing and create a stable home for her kids. As a result her home and children were functioning pretty well, despite some financial pressures. She met John about six months prior to our meeting and according to her it started out well. "I finally met a friend I could trust and confide in, not to mention someone who made me feel cared for. I had been craving that for some time. But now things are starting to progress and I'm afraid to remarry-not because I'm afraid to commit again-but because I know stepfamily life is very difficult and I don't want my children to suffer any more. What should I do?" Shelly was keenly aware that most stepfamilies end in divorce and she didn't want to become another statistic or put her children through more heartache. She needed some answers.

As I conduct stepfamily seminars around the country, the two most consistent questions I hear from single-parents are: 1) "Should I remarry?" and 2) "When we get married, how do we help our kids and family to succeed?" I never tell couples whether they should remarry, but I do admonish them to step away from their remarriage fantasies and consider the realities of stepfamily life. In order to make a step in the right direction for you and your children, you first must understand the challenges of stepfamily living and then make an informed choice about remarriage.

Stepfamily Challenges
Stepfamilies, sometimes called blended families, are unique in many ways. Unfortunately, the "Brady Bunch" disguised most of those differences and gave America an artificial security about stepfamily life. If you watched that show you probably assume stepfamilies are just like biological families. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here are just a few factors for single-parents to consider before stepping into a stepfamily.

1. Don't begin the journey unless you've done your homework, counted the cost, and are willing to persevere until you reach the 'Promised Land'. When the Israelites realized they were trapped between Pharaoh's army and the Red Sea, they cried out in fear and anger to Moses wishing they had stayed in Egypt. Nearly every stepfamily, shortly after remarriage, experiences a painful pinch between the losses and hurts of their past and the sea of opposition that stands in their future. Children are often heard crying, "Mom, why did you marry this guy? We were so much better off when it was just us." Truly, the journey to the Promised Land for most is not an easy one. But if you trust God and persevere, He will lead you through to better days.

2. Make sure you're not still haunted by the ghost of marriage past. Emotional and spiritual healing from divorce or the death of a spouse takes time; in fact, the average person requires three to five years before they can be discerning about a new relationship. Don't let the rebound-bug bite you where it hurts. After his wife died of cancer Gary found himself lonely and feeling inadequate to care for his daughter. "I guess I needed a partner and I wanted a mother for my child," he said. This emptiness lead him to rush into a new marriage that ended after just one year. Remember, time is your best friend so slow down the dating process.

3. Realize that a parent's relationship with their children will be an intimacy barrier to the new marriage. As I'm writing this article a stepmother came to see me hoping I could help diminish the jealousy she feels toward her stepson. Five years into the marriage and she still plays second fiddle. Yet the solution is not as simple as telling the biological parent "just put your spouse first." Biological parents can't just switch their loyalties; it feels like they're betraying their children. "After all," said one mother, "my kids have suffered enough and I don't want them to lose me, too." Despite this struggle, the couple must learn to nurture their relationship and not get lost in the stepfamily shuffle.

4. Understand that cooking a stepfamily takes time. Every stepfamily has an assumed blending style (whether they know it or not) that drives how they treat one another. For example, a food processor mentality results in parents demanding that stepchildren call their stepparent "dad" or "mom" right away. In effect, the noncustodial biological parent gets chopped up in the process. A pressure cooker mentality is used when new family members are forced into spending time together. Usually the lid blows off the pot. And finally, the blender mentality assumes that everyone will love everyone else to the same degree. Not only does this set people up for conflict it usually results in someone being creamed.

Instead, develop a crock-pot mentality that allows for time (the average stepfamily requires seven years to combine) and low heat to bring the various members of the family into relationship. For example, instead of forcing the family together, Brad and Julie spent Saturday afternoons each with their own children. Only after nearly two years did they begin to combine leisure activities. This low heat approach didn't threaten the children's relationship with their parents and made space for new relationships to develop.

5. Accept the fact that remarriage is a gain for the adults and a loss for the kids. What they really want is for mom and dad to reunite, so for them the remarriage is a loss. When you add that to the list of hundreds of other losses they've already experienced you can see why children have mixed feelings about the new family. Furthermore, loss always brings the fear of more loss. When persons start protecting themselves from more loss, walls are built. "I'm afraid my kids and new husband will turn against each other. It would be just another failure," said one mom. Her teenage son echoed her fear, "I'm afraid of getting close to anyone. With all I've had to live through I keep waiting for it to happen all over again."

6. Dating is important but true stepfamily relationships start with the wedding. Children are sometimes tolerant, even encouraging of their parent's new romance, but they frequently change their tune when real stepfamily life begins. Mike called me the day after he and Carrie married. After dating for two years, they spent three months in pre-remarital counseling with me trying to work through issues from the past and anticipating the needs of her children. Even though much had been accomplished, on the day of the wedding, Carrie's 16 and 19-year-old daughters began badgering their mother. They had appeared supportive of her decision, but now that Mike was really moving in, they berated Carrie over her decision to divorce their father and remarry. Carrie spent her wedding night in tears.

7. Discuss and develop a plan for your parenting roles. For the first couple years after remarriage it's generally best for the biological parent to remain the main source of nurturance, affection, and discipline. The stepparents role may evolve from a "babysitter" role (where they borrow power from the biological parent and enforce "their" rules), to an "uncle or aunt" (where the children consider the stepparent extended family, but not a parent), to a "parental role model" with a considerable measure of authority. This gradual progression gives the stepparent and stepchildren time and space to develop a relationship before power battles come into play.

8. Develop a working relationship with your ex-spouse. Susie thought her negative relationship with her ex-husband could never change. She learned, however, that seeking to forgive him and avoiding pushing his hot buttons helped to diminish their negative interaction. Gradually their co-parenting relationship improved and their children became more cooperative in each household. This in turn opened the door for Susie's new husband to interact with her kids and gradually build a relationship.

9. Loyalties, left unattended, will divide and conquer a stepfamily. Allow children to love both biological parents and don't force a relationship with the stepparent(s). Let children set the pace for their new steprelationships and don't worry if they aren't "warming up" as quickly as you'd like. Dave worked very hard to win the heart of his 12 year old stepdaughter. But after only four months he gave up because she didn't seem to be returning any of the effort. With a crock-pot mentality Dave would have understood that relationship building takes years, not months.

10. Consider the potential for sexual pressures within the home. The incidence of stepfamily incest is eight times greater than in biological families. Stepsiblings in particular are often confronted with sexual thoughts that lead to shame or inappropriate behavior. Darrell and his wife of 10 years approached me at a recent seminar after her thirteen-year-old son admitted to sneaking into his fourteen-year-old stepsister's room to fondle her. They had been living in the same house for ten years, yet the lack of blood relations left the door open for abuse. Sexual indiscretions in stepfamilies are real and must be guarded against.


Making the Decision to Step Forward
Because stepfamily life presents these and other challenges, it's important to invest in pre-remarital counseling. Be sure to find a Christian therapist or minister who understands stepfamily peculiarities. Unfortunately, this can be very difficult as clergy are just now beginning to wake-up to the needs of stepfamilies, and most counselors don't have much stepfamily training either. If a qualified counselor is not available in your area, purchase a book or attend a seminar for stepfamilies. Make sure you look in every direction before you leap, otherwise you might spend a lot of time wandering around the wilderness.

Stepfamily life is not impossible. Indeed there is a 'Promised Land' of marital fulfillment, family stability, and shared spirituality. But for most stepfamilies finding these rewards requires intentional effort and a keen understanding of how stepfamilies work best. Making the decision to begin the long journey from Egypt to Canaan needs to be an informed one.

After a lot of exploration, Angie and Mike decided that remarriage was workable for their two families. And they were willing to accept the risks. Four years into the marriage the couple reports managing their initial adjustments fairly well. Recently, however, Mike's 15 year old son unexpectedly decided to come live with them. New challenges are now confronting them, but they are seeking help from a local support group.

Shelly has decided to focus her energies on her children. She explained to her boyfriend that she'd like to continue seeing him on a casual basis and hopes that some day they can take the relationship further. But for now, not complicating her single-parent family with a remarriage seems best. His willingness to wait remains to be seen.

Polygamy and Other African Tribal Customs

Polygamy is a main feature of African tribal customs…

Christianity and Western values are influencing the African society for monogamous relationships. However, Islamic permission for polygamy has strengthened the African tribal customs in this regard. The statistics show that 36% women in rural areas and 24% women in urban areas have to accept polygamous marriages.

Most of the women prefer monogamous marriages to acquire importance with their husbands and to avoid pressures and jealousies of the previous wives. However, it is wrong to say that Islam has caused polygamy in Africa. The ancient African tribal customs prove that polygamy had been prevailing in the African countries for centuries.



Some claim that polygamy in Africa is result of marriage in teenage. Some point out that polygamy is result of age-gaps between husband and first wife. Some others even claim that African women accept polygamous marriages to get protection of the wealthy and influential married people.

In eight out of our eleven countries, the proneness to marriage in early ages is in varying degree. Incidentally the uneducated women not only prefer to marry early but also involve in polygamous relations. On the other hand the girls in schools prefer to delay their marriage for a significant time. The educated women also reject polygamous marriages and prefer to be single wives of their husbands. They don’t like to become junior wives to the less educated or previous wives.

Analysis show that the African women getting education have to face a short marriage market for a compatible husband. Some allege that such situations the women prefer prohibited relationships with older husbands of worth, hoping that their roles as "outside wives" will help them advance into superior social echelons.

Other African Tribal Customs
A traditional African wedding is a complex pack of divergent customs, rituals and events. The influence of Islam, Christianity and Western values is imminent. However, African public prefers to follow their centuries old African tribal customs with a lot of honor and pride.
A marriage in Africa is not union of two persons but of two families. And majority of African marriages are arranged. The role of families of the marriage partners is very important. The general public considers arranged marriages as a symbol of honor and prestige. That’s why every notable family and their children prefer arranged marriages even when their children develop some kind of affair before marriage. The children of a married couple are considered belonging to the families and their parents in equal terms.

On the other hand the poor families allow love marriages. The young people have to decide their life partners independently. Though they may have consent of their parents but still they are not forced to enter an arranged marriage against their wills.

In African tribal customs, the girls are supposed to avoid sexual interaction before marriages. They protect their virginity as a symbol of their honor and respect. Most of the women in African believe that they should follow a specific order of love, marriage and child birth.

In today’s Lamu communities the brides are mandated to be virgin before wedlock. They recognize it as a chapter of honor and respect. They want their women adjusted to safeguard their families and support a good esteem.

Under Western vehemence some people may accept pre-marital sexual relations as a part of marriage process. Some may argue that it is a way to determine sexual compatibility between the partners and to examine their fertility. However, there are certain scientific and psychological methods to determine the both sides without having sexual relation.

In African tribal customs the age of the marriage partners has never been an issue. However, under the influence of Islam and Western values, the modern states of African have preferred to fix a minimum age level for marriage. The marriage age level is low in uneducated girls while it is increasing fast in the educated girls. In Muslim and Protestant families the women prefer to marry from 19 years to 29 years of their ages.



In African tribal customs, the bride is shows to the whole tribe. It is a symbolic consent of the bride to enter in the world of women. She is going to be no more a girl but a woman who can share her private talks to other married women.

A special ceremony is organized. The public welcomes the bride with clapping and cheerful sounds. She is admitted as a star of night. The brides are expected to wear traditional marriage dresses. However, if families allow the bride may go for western styled marriage dresses.

Ten Tips for having a Smart Marriage

1. Marriage matters. Married people & their kids do better on all measures of health, wealth, happiness, & success. And, married folks report having more & better sex than single or divorced people.

2. It's not the differences but how we handle them that separate successful marriages from the failures. Disagreeing doesn’t predict divorce. Stonewalling, avoidance, contempt, criticism, and the silent treatment predict divorce. Learn how to disagree in ways that help you fall more in love.

3. All happily married couples have approximately ten irreconcilable differences - ten issues they will never resolve. If we switch partners, we just get ten new issues that are likely to be even more annoying and complicated. Sadly, if there are children from an earlier marriage or relationship, disagreements about them go to the top of the list. What's important is to discuss our own set of issues just as we would discuss how to manage living with a chronic bad back or trick knee. We wish they weren't there, but what’s important is to keep talking about how to manage them and still do the marriage “dance”.

4. Love is not an absolute (a yes or no situation) and it’s not limited substance. It's a feeling and feelings ebb and flow depending on how we treat each other. We can learn new ways to interact and the feelings “of being in love” can come flowing back, often stronger than before.

5. Marital satisfaction often dips with the birth of a baby. That's normal. Marital satisfaction is at its lowest when there are kids in the house between 11 and 16. That's normal. We need to know what to expect, appreciate our parenting partner – and hang in. It makes good sense to stay married for the sake of the kids - and for our own sake. Even with the challenges, it’s a lot easier to be a parenting team than to be a single, divorced, or remarried parent. Plus there is a silver lining: satisfaction goes back up with the empty nest. The final stage of marriage – with a job well done – is the real honeymoon period.

6. Sex ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. That's normal. Plan for & make time for more “flows”.

7. Creating good marital sex is not about putting the sizzle BACK INTO your sex life. Early marital sex is sex between strangers – we don't yet know our partner or ourselves. The most passionate sex is intimate sex based on knowing our partner and letting them know us. One of the most important tasks of marriage is to develop a satisfying marital sex style. It's not about going BACK; it's about going FORWARD, together.

8. Repair attempts are crucial and are highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic, but the willingness to make up after an argument, is central to every happy marriage.

9. Learn to welcome, embrace and integrate change – to discuss and update your wishes, hopes & dreams – on a regular basis. We often “interview” each other before marriage and then think "that's it." The marriage vow is a promise to stay married, not to stay the same. (Thank goodness!) Keep up-to-date with changes in your partner. Don’t fear changes, celebrate them!

10. Try several different marriage education courses. Become informed consumers – rate the courses, discuss what you liked best – which ideas were most helpful. Decide which courses to recommend to your kids, friends and family – which to give as wedding, anniversary and new baby gifts. The courses don't tell you what kind of marriage to have. That's up to you. They give you the tools – the hammers, screwdrivers, and levels – so you can build the kind of marriage that suits you, one which can help you to negotiate, and renegotiate, your own values, meaning, and goals.