In the beginning of dating, when the love, infatuation and romance is out in full force, there is a strong desire to move closer and deeper as quickly as possible. The danger in this is that you really barely know the true person you are dating. "Dating defensivel" is a good idea, especially in the first few months. It is essential that you determine how emotionally and physically safe you are with this person that you barely know.
The following is a list of the most common issues to be mindful of in your new dating partner. While none of these issues means you should immediately stop seeing someone, realize that the greater the number of issues your new dating partner has that are on this list, the greater your potential to be hurt. And remember that in the beginning of dating, this is as good as it gets! So if you're seeing red flags during a time in which everything is set up to be easy and fun, it is not a good sign and you should proceed very cautiously.
The purpose of dating is to learn as much about the person as possible, and have fun at the same time. The following list will help you get a good sense about how safe this person is for you. Read this list over after you start dating someone. Refer to it frequently, so you don't let denial set you up to get hurt.
Red flags should go up when the person you are dating...
* avoids discussing their past or present life, or does so only vaguely
* appears overly dependent on family members
* seems to have few or no personal boundaries
* exhibits excessive alcohol or drug use/abuse
* exhibits frequent flirting or staring at others; seems to need constant attention
* is not emotionally finished with ex-spouses/ex-lovers
* is recently divorced or broken up from relationship
* has credit problems, debts, shaky finances, undergoing a "temporary bad time"
* seems to need to be in control at all times
* never shows any fear or vulnerability
* is unreliable; doesn't follow through on prearranged plans; is constantly late
* expresses an overfocus on sexual themes
* has few or no long-term friendships or previous relationships
* interrupts without listening; talks only about self and never asks you about you
* is unavailable through overwork or excessive interests, family, children
* has a negative, pessimistic outlook on life; constantly critical of others; sarcastic sense of humor
* does not take care of self in diet, exercise, appearance
* cannot tolerate feedback from others without getting defensive
* exhibits excessive computer use
* has inappropriate ways of handling conflicts, or avoids conflict entirely whenever possible
* exhibits an inappropriate expression of anger
Thursday 28 May 2009
Dating More than One Person
One question we often hear from singles is about dating one person versus dating more than one person at a time. It is a good question and gets right to the heart of healthy dating practices.
For many single adults, there has been a history of dating one person, seeing if it will lead to a close significant relationship, and taking the relationship as far as possible. After it ends, the cycle then repeats: find and date just one new person. While there is certainly nothing wrong with trying to create a close relationship with one person, in our view this approach falls short in several respects.
First of all, the purpose of dating is to have fun; explore how emotionally and physically safe it is to be with your dating partner; learn as much as you can about this person; and ultimately discover if you are compatible for a long-term relationship (if that is what you desire). In keeping with the purpose of dating, we advocate a conservative, defensive posture since it is our experience that there are many more people that don't know how to date in a healthy manner than those that do. It is dangerous and risky to place yourself in a vulnerable situation until you really know who you are with.
Secondly, if you are coming out of a lonely period, it is more difficult to be objective about your new dating partner. It is difficult enough to keep your wits about you if you experience some degree of falling in love or infatuation with this person. When that is coupled with not having been with someone for a while, it is an extremely potent combination that can quickly escalate into a full-blown intense relationship, often before you really know who you are dating.
We often talk in our workshops about the importance of de-intensifying the beginning of a relationship, if you want to date in a healthy manner. Going for the maximum adrenaline rush might help you temporarily feel very alive, but is often a set-up to get badly hurt, since you just won't see the red flags that are staring you in the face.
The two best ways to de-intensify a new relationship are not seeing the person (or even having phone or voice mail or email contact) every day, and dating other people. When you date only one person, you have nothing to compare that person with. You will tend to project all of your romantic fantasies (and other unfinished business) onto this person that you barely know. By dating other people at the same time, you give yourself a built-in reality check to insure that you see things a bit more clearly.
"Fine", people say, "but how do you tell someone that you're dating other people?" That's easy: be honest. Remember, you want to learn as much as possible about this person. Their reaction to your telling them you're dating others will reveal some valuable things about their personality and maturity.
There are three rules of thumb for dating more than one person:
*
tell people honestly if you're dating more than one person, and why;
*
if you initiate a physical relationship with someone, let the other people you're dating know about that;
*
if you become very romantically close to one person, decide if it's time to date exclusively.
Dating more than one person is a great way to de-intensify the beginning of a relationship, to learn more about each person you are dating, and to truly assess the health of each dating experience by having a clear basis for comparison. Remember, it's your heart which is ultimately at stake. Choose wisely!
For many single adults, there has been a history of dating one person, seeing if it will lead to a close significant relationship, and taking the relationship as far as possible. After it ends, the cycle then repeats: find and date just one new person. While there is certainly nothing wrong with trying to create a close relationship with one person, in our view this approach falls short in several respects.
First of all, the purpose of dating is to have fun; explore how emotionally and physically safe it is to be with your dating partner; learn as much as you can about this person; and ultimately discover if you are compatible for a long-term relationship (if that is what you desire). In keeping with the purpose of dating, we advocate a conservative, defensive posture since it is our experience that there are many more people that don't know how to date in a healthy manner than those that do. It is dangerous and risky to place yourself in a vulnerable situation until you really know who you are with.
Secondly, if you are coming out of a lonely period, it is more difficult to be objective about your new dating partner. It is difficult enough to keep your wits about you if you experience some degree of falling in love or infatuation with this person. When that is coupled with not having been with someone for a while, it is an extremely potent combination that can quickly escalate into a full-blown intense relationship, often before you really know who you are dating.
We often talk in our workshops about the importance of de-intensifying the beginning of a relationship, if you want to date in a healthy manner. Going for the maximum adrenaline rush might help you temporarily feel very alive, but is often a set-up to get badly hurt, since you just won't see the red flags that are staring you in the face.
The two best ways to de-intensify a new relationship are not seeing the person (or even having phone or voice mail or email contact) every day, and dating other people. When you date only one person, you have nothing to compare that person with. You will tend to project all of your romantic fantasies (and other unfinished business) onto this person that you barely know. By dating other people at the same time, you give yourself a built-in reality check to insure that you see things a bit more clearly.
"Fine", people say, "but how do you tell someone that you're dating other people?" That's easy: be honest. Remember, you want to learn as much as possible about this person. Their reaction to your telling them you're dating others will reveal some valuable things about their personality and maturity.
There are three rules of thumb for dating more than one person:
*
tell people honestly if you're dating more than one person, and why;
*
if you initiate a physical relationship with someone, let the other people you're dating know about that;
*
if you become very romantically close to one person, decide if it's time to date exclusively.
Dating more than one person is a great way to de-intensify the beginning of a relationship, to learn more about each person you are dating, and to truly assess the health of each dating experience by having a clear basis for comparison. Remember, it's your heart which is ultimately at stake. Choose wisely!
Wednesday 20 May 2009
Combat Stress by Creating Your Own Oasis
Stress and anxiety can prematurely age our mind and body. If not dealt with effectively, chronic stress and worrying can place undue strain upon our cardiovascular and immune systems. It can also make us prone to mood disorders and negatively affect our cognitive functions. Having a safe and comfortable place where we can relax and unwind can help improve our well-being and produce feelings of peace and tranquility.
Ideally, creating an atmosphere that induces calmness throughout your home is best. However, if space is limited, you still can create your own oasis, even if it is in only a corner of a room or in a cubical at work. Here are eight easy ways to make your personal space a true comfort zone.
1. Recharge - plug into mentoringTranquil Sounds. Your favorite music, sound machines and water falls can help you relax and unwind. Sounds have the ability to alter our perceptions and instantly change your mood.
2. Living Plants. Live plants create a peaceful atmosphere. They improve the ambiance and air quality of indoor environments, and induce a positive energy around them.
3. Soft Lighting. Soft and adjustable lighting can create a soothing atmosphere. Look for light bulbs that are bright, but not harsh. Being able to adjust the brightness of your lighting will give you more control of the mood of your space.
4. Pleasant Smells. A fresh and pleasant odor can transport you to a peaceful place and time. Open a window to get an exchange of air, use air purifiers or deodorizers to create the scent you find most pleasing.
5. Furniture Arrangement. Place your furniture and other items to best fit your daily needs and actions. Personalize your space with things that bestow happy memories.
6. Comfortable Textures. Use pillows, throws and soft materials to create a comfort zone. Our sense of touch has a powerful impact upon our feelings.
7. Symbols of Nature. Bring the outdoors inside with shells, rocks, feathers, wood, leaves, etc.
8. Answering Machine. When you need to unwind and revitalize, turn your answering machine on and the volume down. You can always return calls when you are recharged and ready to talk.
Take control of your surroundings, whether they are just a corner of a room or a desk at work. You can even use these steps when traveling to help you unwind. By creating your own personal oasis, you will be better able to relax and rejuvenate. A few changes may be all that you need to make yourself calm, peaceful, energized and inspired.
Ten Easy Ways to Minimize Your Stress
Stress is our reaction to any stimulus (physical, mental, or emotional -- internal or external), that tends to upset us. When the reactions are inappropriate, they can lead to health problems. The diseases most often connected to a stressful environment are heart disease, high blood pressure and cancer.
Additionally, doctors are seeing increasing incidents of stress as being connected to other conditions such as asthma, allergies, migraines, ulcers, bowel and skin problems. In fact, 75-90% of all visits to the doctor are related to stress.
To deal with stress effectively, identify your sources of stress, either within yourself or your environment, and then plan strategies for coping.
Ideas to help you relieve stress:
1. Rise early - reserve an hour before the family wakes to get organized for the day.
2. Share your workload with family and co-workers.
3. Take breaks in the day - even just 10 minutes - to clear your head and catch your breath.
4. Set aside time to exercise.
5. Don't take on too much at once.
6. Give yourself permission to be imperfect.
7. Learn to say "no".
8. Eliminate clutter from your life.
9. Relax with some music occasionally.
10. Develop a forgiving attitude.
Additionally, doctors are seeing increasing incidents of stress as being connected to other conditions such as asthma, allergies, migraines, ulcers, bowel and skin problems. In fact, 75-90% of all visits to the doctor are related to stress.
To deal with stress effectively, identify your sources of stress, either within yourself or your environment, and then plan strategies for coping.
Ideas to help you relieve stress:
1. Rise early - reserve an hour before the family wakes to get organized for the day.
2. Share your workload with family and co-workers.
3. Take breaks in the day - even just 10 minutes - to clear your head and catch your breath.
4. Set aside time to exercise.
5. Don't take on too much at once.
6. Give yourself permission to be imperfect.
7. Learn to say "no".
8. Eliminate clutter from your life.
9. Relax with some music occasionally.
10. Develop a forgiving attitude.
Space in a Relationship
How much emotional space do you occupy in your relationship? Could the amount of emotional space you and your partner each take up have anything to do with whether your relationship makes it or not? Indeed it does.
Just what do I mean by "emotional space?" It's the time, energy, and space your partner spends dealing with or listening to your emotions, words, thoughts, wants, needs, etc. When it comes to the emotional space dynamic, there are three types of couples:
Type 1: One person in the relationship takes up most of the emotional space.
In this type of relationship, one partner seems to be super involved, expressing most of everything in the relationship. This person may seem extreme, emotional, needy, intense, and possessive, while the other person may appear to be uninvolved in the relationship, seeming to have hardly any needs at all.
The partner that seems super involved is typically filling up the most emotional space in the relationship, often out of fear that there will not be a relationship if the emotional space is not occupied.
Unfortunately this is a mistake. The emotional life of the relationship needs to be generated by two people as equally as possible. Otherwise, you end up with a lopsided relationship and with both people unhappy. One will be unhappy because he or she is always working on the relationship and the other one will be unhappy because he or she seemingly can't get a break from the drama.
What's more, the person who is generating the relationship will eventually get burned out and will need to stop. If the lopsided relationship has been going on for too long, it may simply fall apart.
Help for the "Type 1" Relationship
If you are the person taking up most of the emotional space, stop. By taking up most of the space, you prevent your partner from participating in the relationship. Stop taking up the space by shifting your needs outside the relationship (not infidelity). Instead of talking to your partner, talk to your friends or family or to your journal. Instead of asking for many needs to be met, ask for only some to be met, or for none to be met for a period of time.
Create a vacuum so that your partner has something to step into. It will feel strange and uncomfortable, but it is necessary discomfort. If your partner does not participate in the relationship, he or she may look for more connection elsewhere.
Get help in learning how to stop taking up so much emotional space. Hire a good therapist or a relationship coach to work on this. You may also need help as a couple in learning how to share the emotional space and in teaching your partner how to take up more space.
Type 2: Both partners alternate in how much emotional space they occupy, with one person always taking up too much.
This type of relationship is a version of Type 1 above except the couple is more intertwined and involved with each other. This is a positive for the couple.
Yet often when the amount of emotional space partners take up alternates, the amount of drama alternates as well, never subsiding. A couple who frequently deals with drama gets exhausted and burned out and never achieves the closeness and connection they crave.
Help for the "Type 2" Relationship
Stop the drama. The key for both of you is to tone down all of your emotions, needs, wants, upsets, etc. The second key is to make sure your partner stays involved at all times. These steps may sound simple, but in fact are difficult to do. Get help from a coach or a therapist on how to stop the drama and balance your relationship.
Type 3: Neither person in the relationship takes up much or any emotional space.
This is a relationship where people reach a particular level and stay there. They may enjoy each other's company, perhaps see each other on a regular basis, and they may even be intimate.They might have been together for a long time or may even be living together or married. Yet they do not move deeper into each other's emotional lives.
For some people this type of relationship is more than satisfying, more than enough. For others, this kind of relationship is only a satisfactory prelude to the real depth any couple is capable of reaching together. If you are in this type of relationship and it works for you, great. But, if you are in this type of relationship and you want more, here's a solution.
Help for the "Type 3" Relationship
If you are in a relationship where neither one of you takes up too much emotional space, the two of you will eventually simply drift away. If you want to keep the relationship, it's time to both invest more and invite your partner to invest more as well.
But be careful not to cross over into a Type 1 relationship and take up all of the emotional space. Do go slowly, perhaps begin by sharing some small part of yourself that you have been holding back. Be a bit more open, and bit more authentic in your responses. Take small emotional risks and see if your partner will follow.
Do be aware that your partner may not want to follow you into deeper emotional waters -- some people are highly uncomfortable being close. If this is the case, you will need to choose whether you want to continue the relationship or not. You will need to decide how emotionally close a relationship you ultimately want to have with your life mate.
Type 4: Both people in the relationship take up enough emotional space to feel connected and loved.
Obviously this is what a healthy relationship looks like. One aspect of a healthy relationship is that both people can stay involved emotionally and flow in the amount of space each one takes at any given time. Some periods of time may be predominantly about one person, while most of the time the couple will stay fairly balanced. Neither partner will shut out the other or be too far removed emotionally from the relationship at any given time.As in all other things, when it comes to relationships, balance seems to be the key. Work on balancing the amount of emotional space you take up in your relationship so that both of you get the room you need to be yourself.
Tuesday 19 May 2009
Parenting is Teamwork
Today, about two-thirds of women with children work outside the home, at least part time. Shifting from the responsibilities of the workplace to the equally responsible job of parenting is a tall order. Every parent knows how chaotic the hours after work and before bedtime can be. To manage the home, young couples are challenged to share the load of parenting.
The gender roles of the 1950s do not fit today's dual bread-winning parents. Parenting demands pulling together, dividing the load, and affirming one another often. Whether you are a working dad or a working mom, here are some after-hours tips for you and your spouse:
* SWITCH GEARS. While you commute homeward, mentally file away the workday and bring your family into focus. Think about your spouse and each child, remembering a special need of each person. By the time you reach for your doorknob, you'll be thinking about the important things happening in the lives of your family.
* Decide to be POSITIVE. Attitude can make or break almost any family situation. Guard against resentment when a business phone call takes your spouse away from a critical task. If you need to, establish weeknight telephone (and TV) limits.
* Agree ahead of time on an EGALITARIAN evening schedule. Select a way that works for you, whether simple division of tasks, rotation, or blocks of "on duty" time. The important thing is clear expectations, being flexible and showing appreciation when your spouse "covers" for you.
* Resist hinting or hoping your spouse will see the things that need to be done. Instead, CLEARLY DESCRIBE what you need and by what time. A wife might ask her husband, "Could you please help Marcel complete three more pages in his Scout manual before he leaves for his den meeting at 7 p.m.?" A husband might suggest to his wife, "If I pick up the dry cleaning tomorrow afternoon, could you drop off the film before work tomorrow morning?" When you nail down the specifics of each task, there's less room for disappointment. Once jobs are agreed on, let each person do the task in their own way -- without checking.
*SHOW APPRECIATION several times an evening for your spouse's help. Genuine gratitude keeps positive energy flowing and that spirit is reflected in the children's attitudes, too.
* Don't forget to INCLUDE THE KIDS as an integral part of your family team. Give them specific directions for daily tasks, asking them to "report in" when they've completed the job. Then, don't miss telling them how much you appreciate their part in creating a family you're proud of.
The gender roles of the 1950s do not fit today's dual bread-winning parents. Parenting demands pulling together, dividing the load, and affirming one another often. Whether you are a working dad or a working mom, here are some after-hours tips for you and your spouse:
* SWITCH GEARS. While you commute homeward, mentally file away the workday and bring your family into focus. Think about your spouse and each child, remembering a special need of each person. By the time you reach for your doorknob, you'll be thinking about the important things happening in the lives of your family.
* Decide to be POSITIVE. Attitude can make or break almost any family situation. Guard against resentment when a business phone call takes your spouse away from a critical task. If you need to, establish weeknight telephone (and TV) limits.
* Agree ahead of time on an EGALITARIAN evening schedule. Select a way that works for you, whether simple division of tasks, rotation, or blocks of "on duty" time. The important thing is clear expectations, being flexible and showing appreciation when your spouse "covers" for you.
* Resist hinting or hoping your spouse will see the things that need to be done. Instead, CLEARLY DESCRIBE what you need and by what time. A wife might ask her husband, "Could you please help Marcel complete three more pages in his Scout manual before he leaves for his den meeting at 7 p.m.?" A husband might suggest to his wife, "If I pick up the dry cleaning tomorrow afternoon, could you drop off the film before work tomorrow morning?" When you nail down the specifics of each task, there's less room for disappointment. Once jobs are agreed on, let each person do the task in their own way -- without checking.
*SHOW APPRECIATION several times an evening for your spouse's help. Genuine gratitude keeps positive energy flowing and that spirit is reflected in the children's attitudes, too.
* Don't forget to INCLUDE THE KIDS as an integral part of your family team. Give them specific directions for daily tasks, asking them to "report in" when they've completed the job. Then, don't miss telling them how much you appreciate their part in creating a family you're proud of.
Helping Elementary School Children Cope with Separation and Divorce
As difficult as separation or divorce may be for a couple, it can be very troubling for children.
Virtually all children whose parents are separating experience painful feelings such as fear, loss, anger, and confusion. However, children can and do recover. In fact, most children of separated parents grow up relatively healthy and well-adjusted. Parents can play a crucial role in helping their children cope with the crisis of their parents' separation. With understanding and guidance, children can learn to deal with the emotional trauma of separation and the healing process can begin.
Feelings of Sadness and Loss
During the elementary school years, children typically experience feelings of sadness and a profound sense of loss in reaction to their parents' separation. Strong feelings of grief and sorrow are common, and children often long for the non-resident parent and the security of their old family. Some children even feel embarrassed or ashamed about their family's situation. Though it is less common in older children, feelings of responsibility and self-blame for the separation may occur. While some children express their anguish outwardly (i.e. crying), others struggle to hold their emotions inside.
What Can Parents do?
* help children express their feelings verbally and non-verbally (i.e. art, music, writing)
* acknowledge children's emotions and help them understand what they are feeling
* reassure children that their feelings are normal and okay
* provide age-appropriate explanations for the separation so children know it isn't their fault
* help children meet other kids whose parents have separated so they know they're not alone
* consider enrolling children in a separation/ divorce support group
Anxiety and Fear
Fear and worry are also common reactions among elementary school children with separating parents. The safety and security of family routines are often disrupted when parents separate, which may leave children feeling scared and insecure. Some children experience an overwhelming sense of helplessness in the face of the many changes in their lives. Younger children may even be afraid that their parents will abandon them or stop loving them. The conflict that children often witness between parents during this transition is also extremely stressful and can result in anxiety. Sometimes children at this age will talk quite openly about their concerns. However, nervous habits such as fidgeting or nail biting and physical symptoms such as stomach aches or headaches are also common. Among older children, withdrawal from friends and social activities is another sign of worry or fear.
What Can Parents Do?
* avoid conflict in the presence of children
* minimize disruptions in family routines
* tell children what changes to expect in their lives: where they will live, who will care for them and so on
* reassure children that you love them and will continue to take care of them
* allow older children some input into custody/ visitation plans but maintain ultimate responsibility for making decisions
* provide steady and predictable parenting
* set aside special time with each child
* encourage children to express their worries, acknowledge and validate their feelings
* teach children relaxation and coping skills
Anger and Aggression
Angry feelings are also common among elementary school children whose parents are separating. Sometimes children are outraged at parents for separating and may berate or scold parents for their actions. They may express their anger by blaming parents for causing the separation. Older children may try to initially hurt parents through verbal attacks expressing their anger. Children's anger at parents may take more subtle forms too, such as uncooperative behaviour, arguing about rules, or complaining about chores. Sometimes children's anger shows itself in aggressive behaviour and fights with other children or siblings as well.
What Can Parents Do?
* let children know it's okay to be mad
* teach children healthy ways to express anger (e.g. talking, artwork, sports)
* be firm when children's angry behaviour is inappropriate and encourage better ways to cope with their feelings
* remind children how to deal with frustration and conflicts with other children
* let school teachers and other caregivers know about the separation so they can help the child cope.
Virtually all children experience some difficulty adjusting to the changes brought on by parental separation. In most cases, the emotional wounds heal over time and children recover from the crisis. If a child's distress is extreme or persists for an extended period, professional counseling or intervention can help. By being aware of the ways that separation can affect children, parents can take steps to ease the difficulties children often face, and help them cope more successfully.
Virtually all children whose parents are separating experience painful feelings such as fear, loss, anger, and confusion. However, children can and do recover. In fact, most children of separated parents grow up relatively healthy and well-adjusted. Parents can play a crucial role in helping their children cope with the crisis of their parents' separation. With understanding and guidance, children can learn to deal with the emotional trauma of separation and the healing process can begin.
Feelings of Sadness and Loss
During the elementary school years, children typically experience feelings of sadness and a profound sense of loss in reaction to their parents' separation. Strong feelings of grief and sorrow are common, and children often long for the non-resident parent and the security of their old family. Some children even feel embarrassed or ashamed about their family's situation. Though it is less common in older children, feelings of responsibility and self-blame for the separation may occur. While some children express their anguish outwardly (i.e. crying), others struggle to hold their emotions inside.
What Can Parents do?
* help children express their feelings verbally and non-verbally (i.e. art, music, writing)
* acknowledge children's emotions and help them understand what they are feeling
* reassure children that their feelings are normal and okay
* provide age-appropriate explanations for the separation so children know it isn't their fault
* help children meet other kids whose parents have separated so they know they're not alone
* consider enrolling children in a separation/ divorce support group
Anxiety and Fear
Fear and worry are also common reactions among elementary school children with separating parents. The safety and security of family routines are often disrupted when parents separate, which may leave children feeling scared and insecure. Some children experience an overwhelming sense of helplessness in the face of the many changes in their lives. Younger children may even be afraid that their parents will abandon them or stop loving them. The conflict that children often witness between parents during this transition is also extremely stressful and can result in anxiety. Sometimes children at this age will talk quite openly about their concerns. However, nervous habits such as fidgeting or nail biting and physical symptoms such as stomach aches or headaches are also common. Among older children, withdrawal from friends and social activities is another sign of worry or fear.
What Can Parents Do?
* avoid conflict in the presence of children
* minimize disruptions in family routines
* tell children what changes to expect in their lives: where they will live, who will care for them and so on
* reassure children that you love them and will continue to take care of them
* allow older children some input into custody/ visitation plans but maintain ultimate responsibility for making decisions
* provide steady and predictable parenting
* set aside special time with each child
* encourage children to express their worries, acknowledge and validate their feelings
* teach children relaxation and coping skills
Anger and Aggression
Angry feelings are also common among elementary school children whose parents are separating. Sometimes children are outraged at parents for separating and may berate or scold parents for their actions. They may express their anger by blaming parents for causing the separation. Older children may try to initially hurt parents through verbal attacks expressing their anger. Children's anger at parents may take more subtle forms too, such as uncooperative behaviour, arguing about rules, or complaining about chores. Sometimes children's anger shows itself in aggressive behaviour and fights with other children or siblings as well.
What Can Parents Do?
* let children know it's okay to be mad
* teach children healthy ways to express anger (e.g. talking, artwork, sports)
* be firm when children's angry behaviour is inappropriate and encourage better ways to cope with their feelings
* remind children how to deal with frustration and conflicts with other children
* let school teachers and other caregivers know about the separation so they can help the child cope.
Virtually all children experience some difficulty adjusting to the changes brought on by parental separation. In most cases, the emotional wounds heal over time and children recover from the crisis. If a child's distress is extreme or persists for an extended period, professional counseling or intervention can help. By being aware of the ways that separation can affect children, parents can take steps to ease the difficulties children often face, and help them cope more successfully.
The Mailbox
As a child I spent hours in a small playhouse in the back yard. I decked it out with curtains strung on twine, a window box planted with marigolds, and a mailbox made from a coffee can.
The can was nailed to the outside wall of the playhouse, next to the window. It was painted with green housepaint and fitted with a small board inside to create a flat horizontal surface.
One languid summer day I ran into the house and found my mother mopping the kitchen floor. "Mama," I asked, "could you bring me some mail?"
She straightened up and held the mop in one hand, massaging the small of her back with the other. She looked down at me and smiled. Her bright blue eyes softened as she looked at me, her suntanned, pigtailed daughter.
"Well, yes, I think I can, after I finished the floor," she said. "You go back to the playhouse and wait awhile. I'll be there."
So I ran outside, letting the screen door slam behind me. I skipped down the narrow brick path to the clothesline and under it to the playhouse beside the dwarf apple tree. I busied myself with little-girl housekeeping: washing my doll dishes, tidying the bed, sweeping the floor with the toy corn straw broom.
Then I heard steps on the brick path. "Mail time," Mama called in a high voice. Then I heard the thunk of envelopes firmly striking the inside of the coffee can.
I waited to give her time to walk back to the house, then rushed out of the playhouse and reached into the can to grab my treasure. Shuffling through it, I found three envelopes, a catalog, and a small package. What a haul!
I sat on the grass that sloped down to the garden to open it.
Naturally, I went for the package first. Tearing away the brown grocery sack paper, I lifted the lid from a tiny box. Wow! Two sticks of Juicy Fruit gum; a square of waxed paper wrapped around a handful of chocolate chips, raisins, and miniature marshmallows; and a new Pink Pear eraser. I munched on the snack mixture while I explored the rest of my mail.
Thumbing through the seed catalog, I enjoyed the brightly-colored flower pictures. Then I spread the envelopes out in my hand. Each was addressed to "Patty, Playhouse, Back Yard, Oregon" and posted with an S & H Green Stamp. I slipped my finger under the flap of one and ripped it open. It held a flyer from a car insurance company. In the next I found an advertisement for magazine subscriptions with a hundred tiny stamps to stick onto the order form. From the last envelope I pulled a page of note paper.
"How are you doing?" I read in my mother's perfect printing. "It's been beautiful weather here, though a little hot for me. I've been canning beans. We have a lovely, large garden, as usual. Do come visit us. You know you are always welcome. Love, Mama."
She signed it in "writing" with swirls at the beginning of the "M" and at the end of the "a."
That was 40 years ago.
I thought Mama and I had become close friends only recently. But remembering the mailbox, I realized I was wrong. The mother who took the time from her mopping and canning to gather up some junk mail and trinkets to put into a package, write a personal note, and deliver it all in true play-acting style was my special companion even back then.
5 Make-up Mistakes to Avoid
You've seen them, make-up looks gone bad. Horribly bad. So in my attempt to rid the beauty world of the overly extreme makeover, here are my all-time make-up 'please don't do this!' tips. As a makeup artist, I've seen every one. Don't let these looks happen to you!
1. WAAAYYYY too much blush - Blush is supposed to look natural, flushed, pretty. Think J.Low. She's got it down. Apply your blush before ANY other color on your face. If you look like you could throw on lip gloss and mascara and run out the door, you're good!
The best blush color? No, it's not fuscia. It's a pinky/peach. Look for something with soft shimmer, a pinky/peach that looks young, fresh on anyone of any age. (J.Low and Lara Flynn Boyle rarely make an appearance without it on.) And it's all about location, location, location. Smile, tap blush on apple cheeks. Done. That's where you blush. Period. Easy.
2. The dreaded blue eyeshadow a la 1960's. Okay, I think whenever someone is in that dreaded "color" shadow mode, it's because someone at some time said "gee! that looks great honey!" When it painfully didn't. We're suckers for a compliment. Someone likes that blazer I'm wearing and I'm wearing that thing 3 days in a row. Beauty is supposed to make you look at the whole image. Not just one thing. You want the whole you to shine.
In photography makeup, a trait of a good makeup artist is when their makeup style blends in with the whole photo. It doesn't stand out like a sore thumb. I feel complimented on my work when someone oohs and aahs over the photo, not my work. Then I know I've done a good job.
3. Navy blue, dark blue, any blue. - Anything with blue, dark blue or grayish blue around your eyes really brings out the dark blue undereye circle under it. Copy a color on your face that you don't like in your makeup, and it'll look worse. Way worse. Case in point: a red dress with sunburn. See? Doesn't work. Go warmer, chestnutty, bronzy in shadows and liner instead. Trust me.
4. "You're looking a little tired. Are you feeling ok?" - We've all been there. If people ask if you're tired when you aren't it's could be your makeup. Incorrect make-up color choices can actually make your skin look tired. How? By unintentionally wearing colors that have gray in them. A grayish pink blush, a grayish mauvey lipstick, a grayish eyeshadow -- even your foundation might be gray. All that gray can make you look tired by bringing out the gray in your skin.
The good news is, you don't need a facial. You need another color. How can you tell? Put your cosmetic color onto white paper. What color do you see? If you see gray, that's the culprit. And gray is the #1 added color to cosmetics. Makes me wonder how many women have run to the skincare counters to get the latest alpha hydroxy, skin brightening wonder creams, only to find out it's really the makeup that makes you look, well, you know, tired.
5. The old school overdrawn lips. Overdrawing the lips does NOT make your lips look bigger. It can make youlook like a clown. So how do you fake the illusion? It's in the color and the shine. Yes - shine! Start our with a lighter color, think about a nude pink. Look for a shade that mimics your lip color, or is 2 shades deeper than your actual lip color. Apply to your lip line and not a millimeter more. Then add shine. Shine bounces light and gives the illusion of a fuller pout. Try Bobbi Brown's lip gloss. She has a different type of shimmer going on in her lipglosses that makes your lips look 3-dimensional. It truly works.
There's a lot of great make-up out there to play with. Stay away from these common pitfalls and you're well on your way to looking fabulous.
Inbox Infidelity
With the advent of email, chat rooms, and other online technology, it is easier than ever for a married person to engage in a private, often intimate, relationship outside of their marriage. In the hothouse of secrecy, seduction can flourish.
When Lynn met Bill in a chat room they hit it off right away. His clever little comebacks and talent for conversation impressed Lynn and kept her coming back for more. Over time they decided to exchange photos. Sexual innuendo crept into their e-mails. A terrible fight with her husband, Anthony, gave Lynn the excuse she needed to finally meet Bill face to face. While Bill wasn’t quite as she had imagined, their relationship continued, resulting in adultery.
It started out as just a friendship. A loving wife and mother of three, Lynn had no intention of getting mired in an adulterous relationship. Do you know how to tell if your email habits are leading you somewhere you don’t want to go?
Inbox infidelity self-test
If your husband were to read all of your e-mails, or instant messages, or text messages, how would he react? Is your communication with the opposite sex completely aboveboard? If you gave your husband access to your private e-mail account would he read anything in there that would cause you to feel embarrassed or defensive?
Is there a platonic friendship that has slowly become something more? Take a minute to ask yourself the four questions below.
1. Do you check your e-mail compulsively, hoping to see his name in the inbox?
2. Do you often laugh out loud at his clever comments? Blush when he throws a little flattery your way? Sigh with contentment when he shares his heart with you?
3. Have you ever gotten up at night to check your e-mail and correspond with this person?
4. Do you glance around to make sure no one is watching while you read e-mails from him?
If you’ve answered yes to some of those questions, it may be time to make some changes.
1. Discontinue the “friendship” and change your e-mail account immediately. In a polite, yet firm email, let this man know that the relationship is over. Although this may seem like a drastic step (especially if the friendship hasn’t resulted in a sexual relationship -- yet) it’s necessary.
Once you’ve written the email, it’s time to change your email account. There is no excuse that for not doing this. It will be worth the time-consuming process of giving out your new e-mail address to those who need it. Creating a new account and discontinuing the old ensures that at least this form of communication is cut off.
2. Bring more accountability into your life. The best way to eradicate dysfunctional and destructive behavior is to bring it out in the open. Remember, it’s only as issues are brought into God’s light that healing can come. Now is the time to share your struggle with others. Find a trusted older friend (of the same sex) in your church whom you can confide in, or ask your pastor and his wife for counsel.
3. Turn your attention back home. Make a concerted effort to turn your heart, mind, and body back toward your husband once more. Do your best to reconnect with your mate emotionally and sexually. At the same time, resist the urge to relive the flattering and exciting conversations that you once engaged in with this other man.
It’s important to note; remembering is a choice. You can choose to deny yourself the pleasure of recalling those electrified or intimate email exchanges. Deliberately put your focus back on your husband, the man you would have followed to the moon before the wedding.
Infidelity begins as a thought long before it becomes an action. Do not let yourself believe the lie that it’s not important or that because nothing has happened yet, nothing will. The time to deal with infidelity is before something happens. Marriage is far too important to play games with.
Sunday 17 May 2009
I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You
If you hear these words, a big warning bell should go off. This is one of the most consistent things a cheating spouse will say. It is often said by a spouse going through midlife crisis also. Your spouse may have a deep, loving bond with you but, intense feelings of passion can override the bond with you and cause your spouse to loose sight of his/her true feelings. The cheating spouse will develop what I call hormone - induced amnesia. The surging hormones and passion they feel in their new relationship can cause some much-skewed thinking.
This is what I feel happens in many relationships that fall victim to infidelity. The spouse who strays has spent years investing time, emotion and energy in the marriage. They may feel that no matter what they do, they cannot or, are not getting what they feel they need from the relationship. They lack the skills to do something different, something that might work in their favor and finally get them what they need from the relationship. They get stuck in a negative place.
People who are stuck can see no way out, they view their problems as permanent and many times think the only way to get unstuck is to turn to someone else. A new relationship is a great way to distract themselves from the problems in a marriage. You are suddenly unstuck and enjoying the lust and passion that comes with a newfound relationship. All of a sudden, they are getting every thing they need from another man or woman. After years of not getting their needs met in the marriage this can be a huge relief.
If you are reading this article and are someone who has found relief in a relationship with someone other than your spouse, I have something I want you to do. Before you destroy your marriage by leaving for another person, I want you to think about what you are really feeling. Don’t use the new relationship as a distraction to keep you from being honest with yourself and your spouse. If you are a cheating spouse make sure that one of the problems below is not causing you to throw your marriage away just to keep from having to deal with them open and honestly. Do you feel your spouse is…
* Controlling
* Dismissive of your feelings.
* Is financially irresponsible
* Not spending enough time with the family.
* Rejecting you sexually.
* Working too much.
* Not working with you as a couple to make the marriage better.
Whatever you feel the problems are in the marriage you owe it to yourself and your spouse to get honest with him/her. It may not be easy, it may be painful for your spouse but it is the only way to solve problems because the “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” statement is a sign that something is wrong in the marriage. You may find that, after you open up to your spouse that you are playing a role in your own unhappiness.
If you are reading this article and your spouse has said, I love you but I’m not in love with you, then view it as an opportunity to open up to your spouse about how you feel in the relationship. When hearing such a statement it is easy to become panicked, to go on the defensive and react in a negative way. You need to not only say what is on your mind but to also listen to what your spouse has to say.
It is important for both spouses to try to see it from the perspective of the other spouse. You may think you’ve been an outstanding wife or husband. Your spouse may have another opinion. If you are willing to listen openly, you may find that you have fallen short. That there are things your spouse needs from you that you have not given.
The only way to know if the “I love you but I’m not in love with you statement,” is coming from someone who is stuck or someone who truly is no longer in love is to be willing to explore the problems in the marriage and take responsibility for your part in the problems. If, after doing this, the marriage still fails you can both move on knowing you tried to work through the problems. You will have both grown and learned from the situation and hopefully won’t take the same issues into a new relationship.
This is what I feel happens in many relationships that fall victim to infidelity. The spouse who strays has spent years investing time, emotion and energy in the marriage. They may feel that no matter what they do, they cannot or, are not getting what they feel they need from the relationship. They lack the skills to do something different, something that might work in their favor and finally get them what they need from the relationship. They get stuck in a negative place.
People who are stuck can see no way out, they view their problems as permanent and many times think the only way to get unstuck is to turn to someone else. A new relationship is a great way to distract themselves from the problems in a marriage. You are suddenly unstuck and enjoying the lust and passion that comes with a newfound relationship. All of a sudden, they are getting every thing they need from another man or woman. After years of not getting their needs met in the marriage this can be a huge relief.
If you are reading this article and are someone who has found relief in a relationship with someone other than your spouse, I have something I want you to do. Before you destroy your marriage by leaving for another person, I want you to think about what you are really feeling. Don’t use the new relationship as a distraction to keep you from being honest with yourself and your spouse. If you are a cheating spouse make sure that one of the problems below is not causing you to throw your marriage away just to keep from having to deal with them open and honestly. Do you feel your spouse is…
* Controlling
* Dismissive of your feelings.
* Is financially irresponsible
* Not spending enough time with the family.
* Rejecting you sexually.
* Working too much.
* Not working with you as a couple to make the marriage better.
Whatever you feel the problems are in the marriage you owe it to yourself and your spouse to get honest with him/her. It may not be easy, it may be painful for your spouse but it is the only way to solve problems because the “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” statement is a sign that something is wrong in the marriage. You may find that, after you open up to your spouse that you are playing a role in your own unhappiness.
If you are reading this article and your spouse has said, I love you but I’m not in love with you, then view it as an opportunity to open up to your spouse about how you feel in the relationship. When hearing such a statement it is easy to become panicked, to go on the defensive and react in a negative way. You need to not only say what is on your mind but to also listen to what your spouse has to say.
It is important for both spouses to try to see it from the perspective of the other spouse. You may think you’ve been an outstanding wife or husband. Your spouse may have another opinion. If you are willing to listen openly, you may find that you have fallen short. That there are things your spouse needs from you that you have not given.
The only way to know if the “I love you but I’m not in love with you statement,” is coming from someone who is stuck or someone who truly is no longer in love is to be willing to explore the problems in the marriage and take responsibility for your part in the problems. If, after doing this, the marriage still fails you can both move on knowing you tried to work through the problems. You will have both grown and learned from the situation and hopefully won’t take the same issues into a new relationship.
What to do When Your Spouse Doesn't Want Change
Does your spouse complain about not feeling well but won't see a doctor? Does your spouse make plans for a romantic evening or getaway with you and then ruin it by being too tired or not feeling well?
Does your spouse talk about spending less money, or eating more healthy foods, or spending more time with the family, or getting more exercise, and then not follow through with those plans?
Does your spouse make promises that aren't kept? Does your spouse acknowledge that there are problems in your relationship but refuses to change behaviors or see a marriage counselor with you?
Growing Frustration
The frustration of your spouse's lack of follow through on good intentions, or saying one thing and then doing another, or breaking promises can slowly erode both the emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage.
This frustration can be heightened if your spouse refuses to seek marriage counseling with you.
What can you do when faced with a spouse who has a serious behavior (gambles, drinks, spends too much money, has a very negative attitude, can't keep a job, is emotionally or physically abusive, doesn't make time for the children or spouse, is unfaithful, etc.) that could potentially destroy your marriage and your spouse won't change, isn't willing to work on improving your marriage, or won't seek marriage counseling? Although it isn't easy to cope with this type of situation in a marriage, here's help on how you can deal with a difficult marriage when only one of you wants change.
No Easy Answers
There are no easy answers when your spouse can see no reason for change or doesn't want your marriage to change. Some situations can be dealt with and other situations are deal breakers.
Only you know what you can tolerate and still be emotionally healthy yourself.
Note: Do not endanger yourself or your children by remaining in an abusive situation.
You Can't Change Your Spouse
* Accept that you can't change your spouse. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes.
* Respond differently to difficult situations. If you've had the same argument over and over, state that you will not rehash the issue and leave the room. If you've not expressed your feelings previously, share how you feel with your spouse.
Know Yourself
* Get to know yourself and look at your own attitudes, behaviors, expectations, hopes, dreams, memories, concerns, behavior triggers, fears, etc. Ask yourself how long you think you can stay in your marriage if things don't improve. Consider individual counseling to prevent feeling depressed or helpless, to understand your role in the conflict in your marriage, and to clarify your plans for your future.
* Decide which of your spouse's negative behaviors you can live with and which ones are deal breakers. Decide if you are able to adjust to the irritating and hurtful situations in your marriage or not.
Face The Issues
* Realize that your spouse may not be as frustrated and unhappy as you are.
* While sharing your love for your spouse, express your concerns and fears about the future of your marriage. If you are having doubts about your love, make a list of what you love about your partner.
* Don't postpone having a conversation with your spouse to identify the behaviors and face the issues that are creating problems in your marriage.
Strategies for Difficult Conversations
# Pick a location for the conversation that is free of distractions.
# Choose a time when neither of you are tired.
# Be warm and not confrontational.
# Don't lecture.
# Stay on topic.
# Identify the problem.
# Clarify how the problem is impacting your marriage.
# Talk about what you want in your relationship, not about what you don't want. Discuss what makes you both happy and fulfilled.
# Brainstorm and discuss solutions to the problem. Bring up the possibility of marriage counseling.
# Agree to set a time frame to re-evaluate how things are going.
Re-Evaluate
* If things are not going well when the two of you are ready to re-evaluate your marriage issues, think about these questions:
* Is this a temporary crisis or the end of your marriage?
* What is the best thing that could happen if you stay together?
* What is the best thing that could happen if you divorce?
* What is the worst thing that could happen if you stay together?
* What is the worst thing that could happen if you divorce?
* Even if you believe your marriage is over, try one more time. Don't leave without telling your spouse you don't think the two of you can save your marriage without professional help.
* Try saying: "We disagree; and we disagree a lot. That's why I would like for us to go to marital therapy." or "I love you, I care about us and I need some help in learning how to communicate to you better. I would like to try counseling."
Does your spouse talk about spending less money, or eating more healthy foods, or spending more time with the family, or getting more exercise, and then not follow through with those plans?
Does your spouse make promises that aren't kept? Does your spouse acknowledge that there are problems in your relationship but refuses to change behaviors or see a marriage counselor with you?
Growing Frustration
The frustration of your spouse's lack of follow through on good intentions, or saying one thing and then doing another, or breaking promises can slowly erode both the emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage.
This frustration can be heightened if your spouse refuses to seek marriage counseling with you.
What can you do when faced with a spouse who has a serious behavior (gambles, drinks, spends too much money, has a very negative attitude, can't keep a job, is emotionally or physically abusive, doesn't make time for the children or spouse, is unfaithful, etc.) that could potentially destroy your marriage and your spouse won't change, isn't willing to work on improving your marriage, or won't seek marriage counseling? Although it isn't easy to cope with this type of situation in a marriage, here's help on how you can deal with a difficult marriage when only one of you wants change.
No Easy Answers
There are no easy answers when your spouse can see no reason for change or doesn't want your marriage to change. Some situations can be dealt with and other situations are deal breakers.
Only you know what you can tolerate and still be emotionally healthy yourself.
Note: Do not endanger yourself or your children by remaining in an abusive situation.
You Can't Change Your Spouse
* Accept that you can't change your spouse. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes.
* Respond differently to difficult situations. If you've had the same argument over and over, state that you will not rehash the issue and leave the room. If you've not expressed your feelings previously, share how you feel with your spouse.
Know Yourself
* Get to know yourself and look at your own attitudes, behaviors, expectations, hopes, dreams, memories, concerns, behavior triggers, fears, etc. Ask yourself how long you think you can stay in your marriage if things don't improve. Consider individual counseling to prevent feeling depressed or helpless, to understand your role in the conflict in your marriage, and to clarify your plans for your future.
* Decide which of your spouse's negative behaviors you can live with and which ones are deal breakers. Decide if you are able to adjust to the irritating and hurtful situations in your marriage or not.
Face The Issues
* Realize that your spouse may not be as frustrated and unhappy as you are.
* While sharing your love for your spouse, express your concerns and fears about the future of your marriage. If you are having doubts about your love, make a list of what you love about your partner.
* Don't postpone having a conversation with your spouse to identify the behaviors and face the issues that are creating problems in your marriage.
Strategies for Difficult Conversations
# Pick a location for the conversation that is free of distractions.
# Choose a time when neither of you are tired.
# Be warm and not confrontational.
# Don't lecture.
# Stay on topic.
# Identify the problem.
# Clarify how the problem is impacting your marriage.
# Talk about what you want in your relationship, not about what you don't want. Discuss what makes you both happy and fulfilled.
# Brainstorm and discuss solutions to the problem. Bring up the possibility of marriage counseling.
# Agree to set a time frame to re-evaluate how things are going.
Re-Evaluate
* If things are not going well when the two of you are ready to re-evaluate your marriage issues, think about these questions:
* Is this a temporary crisis or the end of your marriage?
* What is the best thing that could happen if you stay together?
* What is the best thing that could happen if you divorce?
* What is the worst thing that could happen if you stay together?
* What is the worst thing that could happen if you divorce?
* Even if you believe your marriage is over, try one more time. Don't leave without telling your spouse you don't think the two of you can save your marriage without professional help.
* Try saying: "We disagree; and we disagree a lot. That's why I would like for us to go to marital therapy." or "I love you, I care about us and I need some help in learning how to communicate to you better. I would like to try counseling."
Balancing Marriage and Business 2
Gary and I didn't quarrel much -- we were too busy just trying to keep the babies fed and the business alive. But after a while, we noticed a pattern. The fights we did have were about stupid things, unrelated to the business, and always took place in the car on the way back from my mother's house in New York. Back then, those trips were our only real vacations (unlike us, she had a bathtub and thermostats), and we dreaded returning to our life at the farm. That dread would convert to bickering on the bleak drive home.
The moment of truth came, as I suspect such moments do in most marriages hitched to a business. I had to decide whether it was possible to declare allegiance to my spouse but turn my back on the business with which his identity had become so entangled.
When we married, I asked Gary for just one commitment: that he never touch the $30,000 that was my father's legacy to me. It was to be my nest egg, a down payment on a home in the (likely) event that the business failed and we lost everything else.
In 1987, we moved production off our farm and began co-packing at a factory in Massachusetts. Without warning, our co-packer went bankrupt. We had three days to clean and relight the boilers at Stonyfield, hire new employees, and buy fruit, milk, and culture. And, of course, we had no money for any of that, except my $30,000. Gary came to me and said, "I need the cash." I couldn't straddle anymore. No weeping or wailing or gnashing of teeth would provide relief now.
In or out? Gary never put it that way, and I'm sure he didn't think about it that way. But that's what it came down to. I'm in, I guess, because you're in, and we're married, and my loyalty lies with you. I'm in, because we have employees and shareholders and customers who expect us to climb out of bed every day and do the entire scary and depressing thing all over again. I'm in, because I believe in your vision of a saner planet. I'm in, even though I'm convinced we're going to lose our shirts and take a lot of people's money down with us. I'm in, because your passion, your courage, your willingness to have a dream and run with it are a large part of what attracted me to you in the first place.
Goodbye, fantasy bathtub; goodbye, thermostat mirage. As I wrote the check, the door of my dream home shut with a thud. In my heart, a plea to my father: Dad, wherever you are, I hope you don't think your only daughter is a fool.
The moment of truth came, as I suspect such moments do in most marriages hitched to a business. I had to decide whether it was possible to declare allegiance to my spouse but turn my back on the business with which his identity had become so entangled.
When we married, I asked Gary for just one commitment: that he never touch the $30,000 that was my father's legacy to me. It was to be my nest egg, a down payment on a home in the (likely) event that the business failed and we lost everything else.
In 1987, we moved production off our farm and began co-packing at a factory in Massachusetts. Without warning, our co-packer went bankrupt. We had three days to clean and relight the boilers at Stonyfield, hire new employees, and buy fruit, milk, and culture. And, of course, we had no money for any of that, except my $30,000. Gary came to me and said, "I need the cash." I couldn't straddle anymore. No weeping or wailing or gnashing of teeth would provide relief now.
In or out? Gary never put it that way, and I'm sure he didn't think about it that way. But that's what it came down to. I'm in, I guess, because you're in, and we're married, and my loyalty lies with you. I'm in, because we have employees and shareholders and customers who expect us to climb out of bed every day and do the entire scary and depressing thing all over again. I'm in, because I believe in your vision of a saner planet. I'm in, even though I'm convinced we're going to lose our shirts and take a lot of people's money down with us. I'm in, because your passion, your courage, your willingness to have a dream and run with it are a large part of what attracted me to you in the first place.
Goodbye, fantasy bathtub; goodbye, thermostat mirage. As I wrote the check, the door of my dream home shut with a thud. In my heart, a plea to my father: Dad, wherever you are, I hope you don't think your only daughter is a fool.
Balancing Marriage and Business
Slide into bed with an entrepreneur, and you wind up cuddling with his business. At a certain point, the entrepreneur's spouse has to answer the question: Are you in or are you out? It is a question that surfaces in many forms over time. Are you in? In for as long as it takes this business to succeed? In for what is potentially a lifetime of financial risk? Or are you out? Out of patience, out of tolerance, out of your mind with stress and the bitterness of dreams deferred? The entrepreneur usually doesn't pose the question overtly. Yet the spouse does answer it, by giving or withholding support, encouragement, warmth, and reassurance -- the manifestations of love.
First base, second, or all the way home. How far are you willing to go?
I fell in love with an entrepreneur -- my husband, Gary, co-founded the Stonyfield Farm yogurt company -- before he really was one. The characteristics, though, were already evident. In 1984, Gary was a charismatic, humble-but-cocksure maker and seller of things, though at that time all he had to sell was himself. Two years after meeting him, I agreed to buy all his stock, and we married on a perfect June day. Gary never tried to hide his entrepreneurial nature, and I was too smitten to notice or care. I didn't think through the implications of a business on our life together. After all, the business was only a handful of cows and a few hundred cups of yogurt made per day.
Gary's partner, Samuel Kaymen, had started a rural education school at Stonyfield Farm in Wilton, New Hampshire. Gary was on Samuel's board of directors, and the two decided to convert Samuel's organic yogurt recipe into dollars to fund the school. By the time I moved up to live at the farm, they were selling three flavors -- plain, maple, and vanilla -- to New Hampshire stores. Then a call came in from a large supermarket's dairy buyer, who demanded that Stonyfield supply his stores with yogurt. When Samuel told him that we couldn't produce any more yogurt from the milk of our 19 cows, the buyer responded, "Then get some more goddamned cows!" That was the true beginning of our business.
During the nine painful years it took us to reach profitability, we endured countless disasters, mishaps, and near-death experiences. That meant there were countless times we could have rid ourselves of the misery we called a business. Gary and Samuel were overworked and exhausted but determined to persevere. I never had a voice in the decision to carry on, but there were many moments when I was forced to answer that question: Was I in or was I out?
The truth is, I was out, but I acted in. I believed in the product and in the company's mission to support organic farmers. (When I met Gary, I had been managing an organic farm for a nonprofit.) But I hadn't bargained for the endless stress of an entrepreneurial business. Gary never said or even implied, "Love me, love my dream." And I did love the dream. But there had to be a less harrowing way to save the world.
I was out, but I acted in. More precisely, I gave in. There is a difference between acquiescence and agreement. I was out the night Gary was called into the factory for a machine breakdown at 2 a.m., and the acid in the boot wash ate a hole in the heel of his foot. I was out when he built a new factory with money we didn't have and personally guaranteed the loans for several expensive pieces of equipment. I was out when, as a result of errors in inventory counts, Samuel had to lecture the warehouse and production staffs on the difference between writing 4s and 9s. (Fours are open at the top!)
I was out, but I never told my husband that. I simply couldn't voice my fears to him. He had enough to worry about with creditors nipping at his heels, potential investors laughing in his face, and employees writing 9s where 4s should be. Gary shouldered the great weight of our collective doubt. I refused to openly stand with the doubters, though I shared their skepticism. Instead, I would offer Gary halfhearted congratulations for new accounts secured, batches unspoiled, sales slightly increased. Most of our victories were merely disasters averted. Our bar of success could not have been set lower.
I had my rebellions -- begging my mother not to invest more money in the business was one. Mostly, I surrendered to the tide -- working in the factory and in sales. But my attempts to help only sharpened my doubts. It was plain that our farm factory was grossly inefficient; we lost vast amounts of product to spoilage. Sales calls were depressing; most supermarket buyers treated our low-volume brand as a hassle. Board meetings reminded us that our cost of goods was too high and our cash burn would continue for another quarter (always another quarter). We lost money on each cup sold. So why on earth were we trying to sell more yogurt?
First base, second, or all the way home. How far are you willing to go?
I fell in love with an entrepreneur -- my husband, Gary, co-founded the Stonyfield Farm yogurt company -- before he really was one. The characteristics, though, were already evident. In 1984, Gary was a charismatic, humble-but-cocksure maker and seller of things, though at that time all he had to sell was himself. Two years after meeting him, I agreed to buy all his stock, and we married on a perfect June day. Gary never tried to hide his entrepreneurial nature, and I was too smitten to notice or care. I didn't think through the implications of a business on our life together. After all, the business was only a handful of cows and a few hundred cups of yogurt made per day.
Gary's partner, Samuel Kaymen, had started a rural education school at Stonyfield Farm in Wilton, New Hampshire. Gary was on Samuel's board of directors, and the two decided to convert Samuel's organic yogurt recipe into dollars to fund the school. By the time I moved up to live at the farm, they were selling three flavors -- plain, maple, and vanilla -- to New Hampshire stores. Then a call came in from a large supermarket's dairy buyer, who demanded that Stonyfield supply his stores with yogurt. When Samuel told him that we couldn't produce any more yogurt from the milk of our 19 cows, the buyer responded, "Then get some more goddamned cows!" That was the true beginning of our business.
During the nine painful years it took us to reach profitability, we endured countless disasters, mishaps, and near-death experiences. That meant there were countless times we could have rid ourselves of the misery we called a business. Gary and Samuel were overworked and exhausted but determined to persevere. I never had a voice in the decision to carry on, but there were many moments when I was forced to answer that question: Was I in or was I out?
The truth is, I was out, but I acted in. I believed in the product and in the company's mission to support organic farmers. (When I met Gary, I had been managing an organic farm for a nonprofit.) But I hadn't bargained for the endless stress of an entrepreneurial business. Gary never said or even implied, "Love me, love my dream." And I did love the dream. But there had to be a less harrowing way to save the world.
I was out, but I acted in. More precisely, I gave in. There is a difference between acquiescence and agreement. I was out the night Gary was called into the factory for a machine breakdown at 2 a.m., and the acid in the boot wash ate a hole in the heel of his foot. I was out when he built a new factory with money we didn't have and personally guaranteed the loans for several expensive pieces of equipment. I was out when, as a result of errors in inventory counts, Samuel had to lecture the warehouse and production staffs on the difference between writing 4s and 9s. (Fours are open at the top!)
I was out, but I never told my husband that. I simply couldn't voice my fears to him. He had enough to worry about with creditors nipping at his heels, potential investors laughing in his face, and employees writing 9s where 4s should be. Gary shouldered the great weight of our collective doubt. I refused to openly stand with the doubters, though I shared their skepticism. Instead, I would offer Gary halfhearted congratulations for new accounts secured, batches unspoiled, sales slightly increased. Most of our victories were merely disasters averted. Our bar of success could not have been set lower.
I had my rebellions -- begging my mother not to invest more money in the business was one. Mostly, I surrendered to the tide -- working in the factory and in sales. But my attempts to help only sharpened my doubts. It was plain that our farm factory was grossly inefficient; we lost vast amounts of product to spoilage. Sales calls were depressing; most supermarket buyers treated our low-volume brand as a hassle. Board meetings reminded us that our cost of goods was too high and our cash burn would continue for another quarter (always another quarter). We lost money on each cup sold. So why on earth were we trying to sell more yogurt?
Getting to Know Your Spouse Better
Some time ago I taught a lesson on marriage. At the end I asked, “Wouldn’t it be interesting if we all went home and did two things:
(1) ask our wives how we could be better husbands, and (2) listen to what they have to say.” [Questions should also be asked in reverse by wife]
After the meeting I returned home and began eating a late breakfast. My wife, Susan, asked about my lesson, and between bites of cereal I indicated that as far as I could tell it went pretty well.
“What did you say?” she asked. I took another spoonful of cereal and replied, “I told them to go home and ask their wives how they could be better husbands, and then listen to their comments.” I chuckled. “I’ll bet some of them are having some pretty interesting discussions right now.” I took another sip of orange juice.
Susan walked over to the kitchen counter and was rather quiet as I continued to enjoy my breakfast. After a few minutes she said, “Do you really want to know?”
“Know what?” I asked.
“How you could be a better husband,” she replied. “You do follow your own advice, don’t you?”
Suddenly I lost my appetite. I put down my toast, and she began.
It was not so much what I was doing that concerned her, she said, but what I could be doing that would greatly improve our marriage. I listened.
Our discussion had lasted about an hour when the phone rang. Susan answered it and talked for a minute or two and hung up.
“Who was it?” I asked.
“It was Brother Larson,” she replied. “He said he would be a little late picking you up to go home teaching.”
Susan walked out of the kitchen and called back, “He said he and his wife were having some sort of discussion. Something to do with what you said in priesthood meeting this morning.”
As husbands and wives, how well do we know each other? Most of us knew enough about our spouse at one time to agree to marriage. But what have we learned about each other since then? People—and consequently marriages—change as the years go by.
Some husbands and wives are surprised to find that there are still things to learn about each other, even after several years of marriage. Some mistakenly believe that because they live together in the same house, they’ll automatically know each other. Others assume that they each share the same perspective of their marriage—that since they are “one,” they think exactly alike, enjoy exactly the same things, and derive exactly the same satisfaction from their relationship. And some even erroneously assume that because they love each other, each will always know what the other is thinking or feeling, so there’s no need to express thoughts and sentiments.
Whatever the reasons, dialogue is infrequent or missing in too many marriages.
Elder Hugh B. Brown has written: “Where there is deep and mature love, which is being nurtured and jealously guarded, the couple will confide in each other and discuss all matters of joint interest—and in marriage everything should be of interest to both—they will stand together in adversity, will lean on, support, and give strength to each other. They will find that their combined strength is more than double the strength of either one of them alone.” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, p. 30.)
To assist in marital communication, try the following exercise together. Allow yourselves sufficient time when there will be no interruptions. You might wish to divide the exercise into several sessions, considering two or three statements at each session.
First, respond individually in writing to the statements. Then exchange papers and talk about what you’ve written. Don’t try to review your responses simultaneously. While one of you is reading or speaking, the other should listen or ask clarifying questions. Then switch roles.
Complete the following statements:
1. In our marriage, I feel loved when you …
2. In our marriage, I feel appreciated when you …
3. In our marriage, I am happiest when …
4. In our marriage, I am saddest when …
5. In our marriage, I am angriest when …
6. In our marriage, I would like more …
7. In our marriage, I would like less …
8. In our marriage, I feel awkward when …
9. In our marriage, I feel uneasy when …
10. In our marriage, I feel excited when …
11. In our marriage, I feel close to you when …
12. In our marriage, I feel distant from you when …
13. In our marriage, I feel most afraid when …
14. My greatest concern/fear about our marriage is …
15. What I like most about myself is …
16. What I dislike most about myself is …
17. The feelings that I have the most difficulty sharing with you are …
18. The feelings that I can share most easily with you are …
19. Our marriage could be greatly improved with just a little effort if we …
20. The one thing in our marriage that needs the most immediate attention is …
21. The best thing about our marriage is …
(1) ask our wives how we could be better husbands, and (2) listen to what they have to say.” [Questions should also be asked in reverse by wife]
After the meeting I returned home and began eating a late breakfast. My wife, Susan, asked about my lesson, and between bites of cereal I indicated that as far as I could tell it went pretty well.
“What did you say?” she asked. I took another spoonful of cereal and replied, “I told them to go home and ask their wives how they could be better husbands, and then listen to their comments.” I chuckled. “I’ll bet some of them are having some pretty interesting discussions right now.” I took another sip of orange juice.
Susan walked over to the kitchen counter and was rather quiet as I continued to enjoy my breakfast. After a few minutes she said, “Do you really want to know?”
“Know what?” I asked.
“How you could be a better husband,” she replied. “You do follow your own advice, don’t you?”
Suddenly I lost my appetite. I put down my toast, and she began.
It was not so much what I was doing that concerned her, she said, but what I could be doing that would greatly improve our marriage. I listened.
Our discussion had lasted about an hour when the phone rang. Susan answered it and talked for a minute or two and hung up.
“Who was it?” I asked.
“It was Brother Larson,” she replied. “He said he would be a little late picking you up to go home teaching.”
Susan walked out of the kitchen and called back, “He said he and his wife were having some sort of discussion. Something to do with what you said in priesthood meeting this morning.”
As husbands and wives, how well do we know each other? Most of us knew enough about our spouse at one time to agree to marriage. But what have we learned about each other since then? People—and consequently marriages—change as the years go by.
Some husbands and wives are surprised to find that there are still things to learn about each other, even after several years of marriage. Some mistakenly believe that because they live together in the same house, they’ll automatically know each other. Others assume that they each share the same perspective of their marriage—that since they are “one,” they think exactly alike, enjoy exactly the same things, and derive exactly the same satisfaction from their relationship. And some even erroneously assume that because they love each other, each will always know what the other is thinking or feeling, so there’s no need to express thoughts and sentiments.
Whatever the reasons, dialogue is infrequent or missing in too many marriages.
Elder Hugh B. Brown has written: “Where there is deep and mature love, which is being nurtured and jealously guarded, the couple will confide in each other and discuss all matters of joint interest—and in marriage everything should be of interest to both—they will stand together in adversity, will lean on, support, and give strength to each other. They will find that their combined strength is more than double the strength of either one of them alone.” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, p. 30.)
To assist in marital communication, try the following exercise together. Allow yourselves sufficient time when there will be no interruptions. You might wish to divide the exercise into several sessions, considering two or three statements at each session.
First, respond individually in writing to the statements. Then exchange papers and talk about what you’ve written. Don’t try to review your responses simultaneously. While one of you is reading or speaking, the other should listen or ask clarifying questions. Then switch roles.
Complete the following statements:
1. In our marriage, I feel loved when you …
2. In our marriage, I feel appreciated when you …
3. In our marriage, I am happiest when …
4. In our marriage, I am saddest when …
5. In our marriage, I am angriest when …
6. In our marriage, I would like more …
7. In our marriage, I would like less …
8. In our marriage, I feel awkward when …
9. In our marriage, I feel uneasy when …
10. In our marriage, I feel excited when …
11. In our marriage, I feel close to you when …
12. In our marriage, I feel distant from you when …
13. In our marriage, I feel most afraid when …
14. My greatest concern/fear about our marriage is …
15. What I like most about myself is …
16. What I dislike most about myself is …
17. The feelings that I have the most difficulty sharing with you are …
18. The feelings that I can share most easily with you are …
19. Our marriage could be greatly improved with just a little effort if we …
20. The one thing in our marriage that needs the most immediate attention is …
21. The best thing about our marriage is …
Tuesday 12 May 2009
5 Tips to Fix a Sexless Marriage Or Relationship
If you're in a sexless marriage or relationship and wish to change it to the better, this article is definitely for you, and I urge you to read it through. In order to fix a sexless marriage you need to be able to take a step back from what is happening to you and look at things objectively. I know it's hard as you must be going through an emotional turmoil, but trust me, it's the best sexless marriage advice I can give because it needs to be done. If you let your perspective be clouded by your emotions, it would be difficult for you to fix your sexless marriage.
Here are some tips to fix a sexless marriage or Relationship
1. Don't think it's all about you - Often you tend to blame yourself that your partner is not sleeping with you. Again, it's understandable that you feel rejected, confused, and hurt. But more often than not, this has little to do directly with you and stems from deeper relationship issues.
2. Don't be a victim - Feeling sorry for yourself is the easiest thing to do. You feel that you've been done wrong and you just want someone to offer you compassion. Well, tough luck, feeling sorry for yourself is counterproductive as it will not bring any intimacy back into your marriage or relationship. If you truly wish to fix your sexless marriage, stop playing the victim and realize that this is entirely within your power to change the direction your marriage has taken. It's also entirely up to you to start the process.
3. Don't play the blame game - It's easy to start throwing blame around either at yourself or at your partner. Both of these courses are the wrong path to take. Playing the blame game will not lead anywhere, it will only deepen the rift between you and your partner. Realize that the blame is probably not with either of you solely. You both share the responsibility for everything that happens in your relationship.
4. Look to the past - Sexless marriages don't just spring up out of thin air. They are just symptoms of other, deeper relationship issues between you and your partner. One of the ways to figure out what went wrong and how to correct it is to think back to a time before your relationship difficulties began. What was different then that isn't that way now? More often than not, you will find that something about your relationship or your life together has changed. At other times outside factors like a change in employment conditions may have happened and contributed to the relationship problems you now have. Before you can solve the problem, you need to recognize the causes. Look to the past and the answer will probably stare at you right in the face.
5. Look to the future - Of course, not everything that went well in the past can be duplicated in the present or future; you may kids now, or work different hours, or anything else which may constitute a big part of your life. However, that doesn't mean that you can't change your relationship for the better. And that's really one of the keys to solving most sexless relationships, the idea of change and applying that idea. Once you realize that something or things in your past triggered this condition, you can take action to fix your sexless marriage or relationship by taking steps to reduce the effect of that 'thing'. For instance, if your relationship started to turn sexless after you had children, you should strive to make time for you and your partner away from you kids. Taking a weekend off is a great idea which can really get the fire roaring again between you. You know what happened in the past and so you can get creative in the future.
Take these 5 steps and you will be much closer to fixing your sexless marriage or relationship.
Here are some tips to fix a sexless marriage or Relationship
1. Don't think it's all about you - Often you tend to blame yourself that your partner is not sleeping with you. Again, it's understandable that you feel rejected, confused, and hurt. But more often than not, this has little to do directly with you and stems from deeper relationship issues.
2. Don't be a victim - Feeling sorry for yourself is the easiest thing to do. You feel that you've been done wrong and you just want someone to offer you compassion. Well, tough luck, feeling sorry for yourself is counterproductive as it will not bring any intimacy back into your marriage or relationship. If you truly wish to fix your sexless marriage, stop playing the victim and realize that this is entirely within your power to change the direction your marriage has taken. It's also entirely up to you to start the process.
3. Don't play the blame game - It's easy to start throwing blame around either at yourself or at your partner. Both of these courses are the wrong path to take. Playing the blame game will not lead anywhere, it will only deepen the rift between you and your partner. Realize that the blame is probably not with either of you solely. You both share the responsibility for everything that happens in your relationship.
4. Look to the past - Sexless marriages don't just spring up out of thin air. They are just symptoms of other, deeper relationship issues between you and your partner. One of the ways to figure out what went wrong and how to correct it is to think back to a time before your relationship difficulties began. What was different then that isn't that way now? More often than not, you will find that something about your relationship or your life together has changed. At other times outside factors like a change in employment conditions may have happened and contributed to the relationship problems you now have. Before you can solve the problem, you need to recognize the causes. Look to the past and the answer will probably stare at you right in the face.
5. Look to the future - Of course, not everything that went well in the past can be duplicated in the present or future; you may kids now, or work different hours, or anything else which may constitute a big part of your life. However, that doesn't mean that you can't change your relationship for the better. And that's really one of the keys to solving most sexless relationships, the idea of change and applying that idea. Once you realize that something or things in your past triggered this condition, you can take action to fix your sexless marriage or relationship by taking steps to reduce the effect of that 'thing'. For instance, if your relationship started to turn sexless after you had children, you should strive to make time for you and your partner away from you kids. Taking a weekend off is a great idea which can really get the fire roaring again between you. You know what happened in the past and so you can get creative in the future.
Take these 5 steps and you will be much closer to fixing your sexless marriage or relationship.
Is This a Requirement For the Success of a Marriage Or Relationship
Trust in relationships could be considered one of the essential requirements for the success of a good marriage or relationship. It is essential for a healthy relationship. Trust is absolutely pivotal in order for a relationship to work. Where there is no trust, it effects the relationship in so many ways, and there are relationship questions, like cheating relationship questions.
When there is a lack of trust there is continuous suspicion and doubt about many things, raising a lot of relationship questions to ask. One is left questioning everything, and wondering if certain behavior or activities are other examples of a breach of trust in the relationship. So much so that it can get to the point where a person is so effected they are never able to be at ease, even thinking that cheating in relationships, is part of what happens in relationships.
When the couple are not together, whether this be during the day when each is at work, or if one party is out somewhere else at other times. This lack of trust in the relationship, can be effecting the person so much who feels there has been a violation of trust, that asking relationship questions becomes a constant focus. They can be thinking, "what is he/she up to now," "can I be sure they are where they said they would be, or are going."
The effects can be devastating, and have a major impact on the ongoing level of confidence in the marriage. Trust in relationships can become an issue with some couples if one of the partners has a friendship with a person of the opposite sex. There tends to be a belief with a lot of people, that it is not possible to have platonic relationships with anyone not of the same sex.
This can be a relationship issue threatening trust in relationships no matter how long people have been together or what age they are, and can become a serious relationship problem. This is rather a shame, as it is surely possible to have platonic relationships without suspecting there has to be sexual activity involved, leading to having grounds for a lack of trust in relationships.
Unfortunately, this is very common, as there is such a strong view generally, that men and women can't have platonic relationships. This can be the case, particularly with people who have cynical attitudes who tend to be skeptical and distrustful in their approach to life. Another threat to trust in relationships can be if either partner has experienced a breakdown in trust in a previous relationship.
Sometimes people have not come to terms with this issue from a former relationship, and it can be useful to seek professional help if that is the case. Associated with this, is that there can be self esteem issues that need to be addressed. In simple terms, it can be a matter of,"I wasn't good enough before, how can I be now". There can be ongoing lack of trust in relationships. In a lot of marriages and relationships there is clear evidence for the distrust.
When this happens, it is unlikely the relationship can survive to the satisfaction of both partners, in which case it is going to be preferable for the couple not to stay together and to consider ways to end relationships. It is simply a matter of good relationships are built on trust, and without it, there is no foundation for the survival of the relationship. I have tended to focus on the issues associated with when there is a lack, or breakdown of trust, in relationships.
It is important to emphasize that when there is trust in relationships, it is a wonderful experience for you. It means you can be at ease with each other and have a totally different experience. You have a connection and level of intimacy that is intense and deep-seated, allowing you to enjoy life to the fullest. You have such a level of trust in your relationship that is beyond the wildest dreams of most people, and you feel very special.
Leo has been a counselor for twenty years dealing with a range of issues with clients. During that time he has dealt with relationships primarily. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on relationships to a broad cross section of people in the community, including other counselors, doctors, nurses, police,politicians, church groups, to name a few. He has also been interviewed by all sectors of the media about aspects of his work.
When there is a lack of trust there is continuous suspicion and doubt about many things, raising a lot of relationship questions to ask. One is left questioning everything, and wondering if certain behavior or activities are other examples of a breach of trust in the relationship. So much so that it can get to the point where a person is so effected they are never able to be at ease, even thinking that cheating in relationships, is part of what happens in relationships.
When the couple are not together, whether this be during the day when each is at work, or if one party is out somewhere else at other times. This lack of trust in the relationship, can be effecting the person so much who feels there has been a violation of trust, that asking relationship questions becomes a constant focus. They can be thinking, "what is he/she up to now," "can I be sure they are where they said they would be, or are going."
The effects can be devastating, and have a major impact on the ongoing level of confidence in the marriage. Trust in relationships can become an issue with some couples if one of the partners has a friendship with a person of the opposite sex. There tends to be a belief with a lot of people, that it is not possible to have platonic relationships with anyone not of the same sex.
This can be a relationship issue threatening trust in relationships no matter how long people have been together or what age they are, and can become a serious relationship problem. This is rather a shame, as it is surely possible to have platonic relationships without suspecting there has to be sexual activity involved, leading to having grounds for a lack of trust in relationships.
Unfortunately, this is very common, as there is such a strong view generally, that men and women can't have platonic relationships. This can be the case, particularly with people who have cynical attitudes who tend to be skeptical and distrustful in their approach to life. Another threat to trust in relationships can be if either partner has experienced a breakdown in trust in a previous relationship.
Sometimes people have not come to terms with this issue from a former relationship, and it can be useful to seek professional help if that is the case. Associated with this, is that there can be self esteem issues that need to be addressed. In simple terms, it can be a matter of,"I wasn't good enough before, how can I be now". There can be ongoing lack of trust in relationships. In a lot of marriages and relationships there is clear evidence for the distrust.
When this happens, it is unlikely the relationship can survive to the satisfaction of both partners, in which case it is going to be preferable for the couple not to stay together and to consider ways to end relationships. It is simply a matter of good relationships are built on trust, and without it, there is no foundation for the survival of the relationship. I have tended to focus on the issues associated with when there is a lack, or breakdown of trust, in relationships.
It is important to emphasize that when there is trust in relationships, it is a wonderful experience for you. It means you can be at ease with each other and have a totally different experience. You have a connection and level of intimacy that is intense and deep-seated, allowing you to enjoy life to the fullest. You have such a level of trust in your relationship that is beyond the wildest dreams of most people, and you feel very special.
Leo has been a counselor for twenty years dealing with a range of issues with clients. During that time he has dealt with relationships primarily. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on relationships to a broad cross section of people in the community, including other counselors, doctors, nurses, police,politicians, church groups, to name a few. He has also been interviewed by all sectors of the media about aspects of his work.
The Energetics Of A Healthy Marriage Relationship
Most of what we know about our relationships we've learn from TV, movies or even romance novels. For many women, the idea they will meet their Prince Charming and live happily ever after is something they are brought up believing is true. As a society, we are lead to believe that one day we will meet the man or woman of our dreams, fall in love, get married, have children and live together forever in an idealist world only found in fairy tails. And for a small number of couple this is the case. For the vast majority of us, once the honeymoon is over, what was once thought to be fun, easy and carefree turns into being work, an aspect of a relationship no one really ever considers. Thus instead of addressing the changes that are taking place in our relationship space, where we need to nurture ourselves and our relationship, we instead find ways of diminishing or destroying it.
In a marriage, or any kind of relationship, whether personal or professional, agreements, both spoken and unspoken, are created. For example, at work, we agree to work hard, show up on time and to follow the directives established by the company. In our marriage, we agree to be loving, supportive and faithful. In turn, if someone breaks or violates any of the agreements, we may try to convince ourselves that their bad behavior was ok, but in the end the hurt we experience simply accumulates and over time, we come to the conclusion that enough is enough. Instead of discovering how we can win back our mate's love an approval, we often times go to our own corner, lick our wounded pride and project an attitude of "I can do it without him" or "I don't care".
There is a song sang by Brooks & Dunn called "Husbands & Wives". If you are not familiar with the song, it goes like this:
Two broken hearts lonely looking houses
Where nobody lives
Two people each having so much pride inside
Neither side forgives
The angry words spoken in haste
Such a waste of two lives
It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline
Of the number of husbands and wives.
We are taught that pride is a good thing. We are proud of our country, our football teams, our children and our accomplishments. This is the good aspect of pride. It helps us to identify who we are, what we value and helps us create a balanced sense of self. For many of us, however, pride or should I say ego is also mixed with our need to compare ourselves with others. Am I richer, smarter or even better looking than the people around me? Now granted, there are some that are convinced of their superiority over others, but it isn't the overt sense of pride we are talking about here, but instead the kind that works to protect us from ourselves and our self-doubt.
In a relationship, pride and ego are the enemy of love. Pride, ego and self-esteem are all important aspects of ourselves...yet too much pride can be a bad thing, especially if it means that my needs, my honor, my values come first. This is especially true when we insist that we are right and are unyielding, regardless of the cost to ourselves and others. In the end, no one gets what they want, and neither party is happy.
Let's look at a relationship from another perspective - from an energetic perspective. Relationships are about creating a dynamic of give and take or as how many people have heard it described, it should be 50-50. Both parties have to be willing to commit their time and energy into making a relationship work. At first this is easy. When we meet and fall in love, everything is new. It is easy for us to put a great deal of ourselves into the relationship. In addition to wanting to spend time with our new love, we will find ourselves thinking about him or her throughout the day and look forward to the time we will spend together.
This is a normal part of the process. As we get to know our significant other, we enjoy the process of opening and deepening the feelings of mental and emotional closeness. We can see and feel ourselves getting closer to our partner and this is one of the best parts about falling in love.
This state of drawing closer, over time, begins to shift. It changes from big easily acknowledgeable steps closer to smaller, less noticeable ones. To many, this slowdown feels like the forward movement within the relationship has stopped or even as if they are growing apart from their partner. And while they may still love their spouse, they can find themselves feeling as if they are "falling out of love".
So what has happened. Well first off, the relationship isn't new anymore. We are no longer easily allured by the new learning's, the new feelings we experienced when the relationship first started which allowed us to effortlessly pour our energy into the relationship. What happens for most of us, this drive fades away and instead of devoting our attention to our relationship, other things start to claim our attention, our time and our energy, which in the end takes away from the energy dynamics we have with our partner. What we find is instead of it being easy, we now have to make a conscious choice to contribute to the relationship - and this is often where a relationship will fail.
In a healthy relationship our partners need two things from us - our time and our attention. Of the two, our attention is more important. Without paying attention to their wants, needs and desires, we are inadvertently saying to them that they are low on the totem pole. And so even thought we might be spending time with them, this act does not let them know that they are valued in our eyes.
According to an article I read online. It stated that: "Giving time without attention is sort of like leaving a seventeen cent tip at a restaurant... it lets the other person know that you didn't forget, you just didn't think they were worthy of more. It's insulting, whether done consciously, as with the tip, or subconsciously, as with spending time with your significant other without giving them your full attention."
How do we give our partner attention? We talk to them, we buy them a nice gift, we make them something, we do something with them. Bottom line, we show them through our thoughts and deeds that we are thinking about them, considering them and we have their welfare in mind.
While not fully on point, let me give you an example. Many years ago I had what I considered a very close friend. As customary, we exchanged gifts for Christmas. That year our relationship was very strained. He was spending a lot of his time and energy making hand made crystal rune sets for everyone he knew - well that is except for me. It was my hope I would be given a very very special set of runes for Christmas - especially because of the close relationship we had. Instead, however, he gave me a silver and turquoise bead bracelet with matching earrings. Now don't get me wrong, it was nice....but to anyone, and I mean anyone who knew me, they could readily see that it was something I would never ever wear.
This experience left me feeling devalued, that he wasn't thinking about me at all. Through his actions or lack of consideration it really hurt our long standing friendship. And I'm sharing this, because he was just a close friend. Just think about how much more devastating something like this can be when it happens in your relationship with your spouse.
Our mental involvement in our relationships is critical. If we don't show our mate that we were thinking about them specifically, it loses some if not all of its value in their eyes.
Thankfully, we can all fall in love again. A successful relationship requires that we place our partner ahead of our wants and needs, our likes and dislikes. By doing so, we will find that our partner will respond (that is unless the relationship is too damaged) in turn. This happens when we wake up one day and realize that our partner has fallen from our attention for too long, when we recognize that we need our spouse in our lives or that we want to share our lives with them.
As we begin to put our attention back into our relationship, we can again close the gap that has opened between us and our spouse. This will create feelings of falling in love and help to rekindle the feelings of love that were once shared. It opens the flow of energy from one person to the other and helps to create a state of love and joy within the marriage.
This flow of energy supports us as we let go of the ravages and walls that our ego and pride have constructed. As our heart melts, we can again begin to feel the love that was already and always there. When we feel loved, we feel safe and secure enough to open our hearts and minds to another. It gives us the opportunity to express our essence and share feelings of peace, serenity, happiness, compassion and patience with them. It is then that we can begin to celebrate our union and oneness with another and truly go riding into the sunset and live happily ever after.
© Copyright Body, Mind & SoulHealer - www.soulhealer.com 2008. All rights reserved.
In a marriage, or any kind of relationship, whether personal or professional, agreements, both spoken and unspoken, are created. For example, at work, we agree to work hard, show up on time and to follow the directives established by the company. In our marriage, we agree to be loving, supportive and faithful. In turn, if someone breaks or violates any of the agreements, we may try to convince ourselves that their bad behavior was ok, but in the end the hurt we experience simply accumulates and over time, we come to the conclusion that enough is enough. Instead of discovering how we can win back our mate's love an approval, we often times go to our own corner, lick our wounded pride and project an attitude of "I can do it without him" or "I don't care".
There is a song sang by Brooks & Dunn called "Husbands & Wives". If you are not familiar with the song, it goes like this:
Two broken hearts lonely looking houses
Where nobody lives
Two people each having so much pride inside
Neither side forgives
The angry words spoken in haste
Such a waste of two lives
It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline
Of the number of husbands and wives.
We are taught that pride is a good thing. We are proud of our country, our football teams, our children and our accomplishments. This is the good aspect of pride. It helps us to identify who we are, what we value and helps us create a balanced sense of self. For many of us, however, pride or should I say ego is also mixed with our need to compare ourselves with others. Am I richer, smarter or even better looking than the people around me? Now granted, there are some that are convinced of their superiority over others, but it isn't the overt sense of pride we are talking about here, but instead the kind that works to protect us from ourselves and our self-doubt.
In a relationship, pride and ego are the enemy of love. Pride, ego and self-esteem are all important aspects of ourselves...yet too much pride can be a bad thing, especially if it means that my needs, my honor, my values come first. This is especially true when we insist that we are right and are unyielding, regardless of the cost to ourselves and others. In the end, no one gets what they want, and neither party is happy.
Let's look at a relationship from another perspective - from an energetic perspective. Relationships are about creating a dynamic of give and take or as how many people have heard it described, it should be 50-50. Both parties have to be willing to commit their time and energy into making a relationship work. At first this is easy. When we meet and fall in love, everything is new. It is easy for us to put a great deal of ourselves into the relationship. In addition to wanting to spend time with our new love, we will find ourselves thinking about him or her throughout the day and look forward to the time we will spend together.
This is a normal part of the process. As we get to know our significant other, we enjoy the process of opening and deepening the feelings of mental and emotional closeness. We can see and feel ourselves getting closer to our partner and this is one of the best parts about falling in love.
This state of drawing closer, over time, begins to shift. It changes from big easily acknowledgeable steps closer to smaller, less noticeable ones. To many, this slowdown feels like the forward movement within the relationship has stopped or even as if they are growing apart from their partner. And while they may still love their spouse, they can find themselves feeling as if they are "falling out of love".
So what has happened. Well first off, the relationship isn't new anymore. We are no longer easily allured by the new learning's, the new feelings we experienced when the relationship first started which allowed us to effortlessly pour our energy into the relationship. What happens for most of us, this drive fades away and instead of devoting our attention to our relationship, other things start to claim our attention, our time and our energy, which in the end takes away from the energy dynamics we have with our partner. What we find is instead of it being easy, we now have to make a conscious choice to contribute to the relationship - and this is often where a relationship will fail.
In a healthy relationship our partners need two things from us - our time and our attention. Of the two, our attention is more important. Without paying attention to their wants, needs and desires, we are inadvertently saying to them that they are low on the totem pole. And so even thought we might be spending time with them, this act does not let them know that they are valued in our eyes.
According to an article I read online. It stated that: "Giving time without attention is sort of like leaving a seventeen cent tip at a restaurant... it lets the other person know that you didn't forget, you just didn't think they were worthy of more. It's insulting, whether done consciously, as with the tip, or subconsciously, as with spending time with your significant other without giving them your full attention."
How do we give our partner attention? We talk to them, we buy them a nice gift, we make them something, we do something with them. Bottom line, we show them through our thoughts and deeds that we are thinking about them, considering them and we have their welfare in mind.
While not fully on point, let me give you an example. Many years ago I had what I considered a very close friend. As customary, we exchanged gifts for Christmas. That year our relationship was very strained. He was spending a lot of his time and energy making hand made crystal rune sets for everyone he knew - well that is except for me. It was my hope I would be given a very very special set of runes for Christmas - especially because of the close relationship we had. Instead, however, he gave me a silver and turquoise bead bracelet with matching earrings. Now don't get me wrong, it was nice....but to anyone, and I mean anyone who knew me, they could readily see that it was something I would never ever wear.
This experience left me feeling devalued, that he wasn't thinking about me at all. Through his actions or lack of consideration it really hurt our long standing friendship. And I'm sharing this, because he was just a close friend. Just think about how much more devastating something like this can be when it happens in your relationship with your spouse.
Our mental involvement in our relationships is critical. If we don't show our mate that we were thinking about them specifically, it loses some if not all of its value in their eyes.
Thankfully, we can all fall in love again. A successful relationship requires that we place our partner ahead of our wants and needs, our likes and dislikes. By doing so, we will find that our partner will respond (that is unless the relationship is too damaged) in turn. This happens when we wake up one day and realize that our partner has fallen from our attention for too long, when we recognize that we need our spouse in our lives or that we want to share our lives with them.
As we begin to put our attention back into our relationship, we can again close the gap that has opened between us and our spouse. This will create feelings of falling in love and help to rekindle the feelings of love that were once shared. It opens the flow of energy from one person to the other and helps to create a state of love and joy within the marriage.
This flow of energy supports us as we let go of the ravages and walls that our ego and pride have constructed. As our heart melts, we can again begin to feel the love that was already and always there. When we feel loved, we feel safe and secure enough to open our hearts and minds to another. It gives us the opportunity to express our essence and share feelings of peace, serenity, happiness, compassion and patience with them. It is then that we can begin to celebrate our union and oneness with another and truly go riding into the sunset and live happily ever after.
© Copyright Body, Mind & SoulHealer - www.soulhealer.com 2008. All rights reserved.
6 Steps to a Better Relationship Or Marriage
Marriage relationships can be the most fulfilling life experience you will ever have -- or the worst! You are clearly wise enough to value your relationships and marriage, and to want to make them as special as can be. So what can you do to make your marriage relationships blissful and harmonious, loving, passionate and romantic? Here are 3 tips to keep the sparkle in your relationships and marriage....
1. Relationships as a work of art
What makes a painting valuable? Usually it's the rarity of the painting (there's only one), and the mastery of the artist. Your marriage relationships are just as rare. Nobody can duplicate exactly your marriage or love relationship. It's unique. And that makes it special. If you add to that the attention and care that you choose to give your partnership, you can see how valuable it really is. Start to appreciate your relationships and marriage more. Reframe the way you look at it. Take time to enjoy it. Luxuriate in what is wonderful about it and be sure to express lots of appreciation to your partner for every little thing. And appreciate yourself too -- you created this -- and you will make it even better!
2. Marriage as a pathway to self development
Marriage knocks the sharp edges off you and rounds you out as an individual. In the best marriage relationships, both partners strive hard to keep on improving and growing. That way they remain attractive and interesting to one another. Don't settle into a relationship. Life is an adventure in growth and development. Always strive to improve. Look for ways to be more loving. Exercise your creativity to surprise and delight your partner -- we all want to have fun, especially us gals!
3. Marriage relationships as a focus for love
When you and I eventually leave this mortal coil, it will be the relationships we formed and the love that we gave and received that will be most meaningful for us. Make LOVE your focus in life and your life will be so very rich. Let your marriage relationships be your major life project, your purpose if you will. Learn to give more and to put more love into your relationships and marriage. See just how far you can go and keep pushing back the borders of your love. What a truly wonderful life you will create. As you focus love in on your primary love relationship, and it flourishes under your touch, you will soon find yourself pouring love into all your relationships with family, friends and the world. Such actions make this world a better place.
Want a 'fairy tale' relationship? They do exist! Don't miss out! Discover the secrets to a blissful relationship at: http://www.blissfulrelationship.com your top tips resource for ensuring your love and marriage relationships grow more joyful and fulfilling every day!
Copyright 2007 Anne Amore ~ May you be now and forever blessed with love. So it is.
1. Relationships as a work of art
What makes a painting valuable? Usually it's the rarity of the painting (there's only one), and the mastery of the artist. Your marriage relationships are just as rare. Nobody can duplicate exactly your marriage or love relationship. It's unique. And that makes it special. If you add to that the attention and care that you choose to give your partnership, you can see how valuable it really is. Start to appreciate your relationships and marriage more. Reframe the way you look at it. Take time to enjoy it. Luxuriate in what is wonderful about it and be sure to express lots of appreciation to your partner for every little thing. And appreciate yourself too -- you created this -- and you will make it even better!
2. Marriage as a pathway to self development
Marriage knocks the sharp edges off you and rounds you out as an individual. In the best marriage relationships, both partners strive hard to keep on improving and growing. That way they remain attractive and interesting to one another. Don't settle into a relationship. Life is an adventure in growth and development. Always strive to improve. Look for ways to be more loving. Exercise your creativity to surprise and delight your partner -- we all want to have fun, especially us gals!
3. Marriage relationships as a focus for love
When you and I eventually leave this mortal coil, it will be the relationships we formed and the love that we gave and received that will be most meaningful for us. Make LOVE your focus in life and your life will be so very rich. Let your marriage relationships be your major life project, your purpose if you will. Learn to give more and to put more love into your relationships and marriage. See just how far you can go and keep pushing back the borders of your love. What a truly wonderful life you will create. As you focus love in on your primary love relationship, and it flourishes under your touch, you will soon find yourself pouring love into all your relationships with family, friends and the world. Such actions make this world a better place.
Want a 'fairy tale' relationship? They do exist! Don't miss out! Discover the secrets to a blissful relationship at: http://www.blissfulrelationship.com your top tips resource for ensuring your love and marriage relationships grow more joyful and fulfilling every day!
Copyright 2007 Anne Amore ~ May you be now and forever blessed with love. So it is.
3 Marriage Relationships Tips To Keep Relationships and Marriage Love-Fille
Marriage relationships can be the most fulfilling life experience you will ever have -- or the worst! You are clearly wise enough to value your relationships and marriage, and to want to make them as special as can be. So what can you do to make your marriage relationships blissful and harmonious, loving, passionate and romantic? Here are 3 tips to keep the sparkle in your relationships and marriage....
1. Relationships as a work of art
What makes a painting valuable? Usually it's the rarity of the painting (there's only one), and the mastery of the artist. Your marriage relationships are just as rare. Nobody can duplicate exactly your marriage or love relationship. It's unique. And that makes it special. If you add to that the attention and care that you choose to give your partnership, you can see how valuable it really is. Start to appreciate your relationships and marriage more. Reframe the way you look at it. Take time to enjoy it. Luxuriate in what is wonderful about it and be sure to express lots of appreciation to your partner for every little thing. And appreciate yourself too -- you created this -- and you will make it even better!
2. Marriage as a pathway to self development
Marriage knocks the sharp edges off you and rounds you out as an individual. In the best marriage relationships, both partners strive hard to keep on improving and growing. That way they remain attractive and interesting to one another. Don't settle into a relationship. Life is an adventure in growth and development. Always strive to improve. Look for ways to be more loving. Exercise your creativity to surprise and delight your partner -- we all want to have fun, especially us gals!
3. Marriage relationships as a focus for love
When you and I eventually leave this mortal coil, it will be the relationships we formed and the love that we gave and received that will be most meaningful for us. Make LOVE your focus in life and your life will be so very rich. Let your marriage relationships be your major life project, your purpose if you will. Learn to give more and to put more love into your relationships and marriage. See just how far you can go and keep pushing back the borders of your love. What a truly wonderful life you will create. As you focus love in on your primary love relationship, and it flourishes under your touch, you will soon find yourself pouring love into all your relationships with family, friends and the world. Such actions make this world a better place.
Want a 'fairy tale' relationship? They do exist! Don't miss out! Discover the secrets to a blissful relationship at: http://www.blissfulrelationship.com your top tips resource for ensuring your love and marriage relationships grow more joyful and fulfilling every day!
Copyright 2007 Anne Amore ~ May you be now and forever blessed with love. So it is.
1. Relationships as a work of art
What makes a painting valuable? Usually it's the rarity of the painting (there's only one), and the mastery of the artist. Your marriage relationships are just as rare. Nobody can duplicate exactly your marriage or love relationship. It's unique. And that makes it special. If you add to that the attention and care that you choose to give your partnership, you can see how valuable it really is. Start to appreciate your relationships and marriage more. Reframe the way you look at it. Take time to enjoy it. Luxuriate in what is wonderful about it and be sure to express lots of appreciation to your partner for every little thing. And appreciate yourself too -- you created this -- and you will make it even better!
2. Marriage as a pathway to self development
Marriage knocks the sharp edges off you and rounds you out as an individual. In the best marriage relationships, both partners strive hard to keep on improving and growing. That way they remain attractive and interesting to one another. Don't settle into a relationship. Life is an adventure in growth and development. Always strive to improve. Look for ways to be more loving. Exercise your creativity to surprise and delight your partner -- we all want to have fun, especially us gals!
3. Marriage relationships as a focus for love
When you and I eventually leave this mortal coil, it will be the relationships we formed and the love that we gave and received that will be most meaningful for us. Make LOVE your focus in life and your life will be so very rich. Let your marriage relationships be your major life project, your purpose if you will. Learn to give more and to put more love into your relationships and marriage. See just how far you can go and keep pushing back the borders of your love. What a truly wonderful life you will create. As you focus love in on your primary love relationship, and it flourishes under your touch, you will soon find yourself pouring love into all your relationships with family, friends and the world. Such actions make this world a better place.
Want a 'fairy tale' relationship? They do exist! Don't miss out! Discover the secrets to a blissful relationship at: http://www.blissfulrelationship.com your top tips resource for ensuring your love and marriage relationships grow more joyful and fulfilling every day!
Copyright 2007 Anne Amore ~ May you be now and forever blessed with love. So it is.
Monday 11 May 2009
A Dad-Shaped Hole in My Heart
I'd like to begin this first chapter with June's story. In many ways her story mirrors the cry of countless daughters just like you, who struggle with the effects of a dad who wasn't there for them. Year after year they cry: Daddy, where are you? Who are you?
My son was born five years ago. He's a healthy, energetic child. At least he appeared to be healthy at birth. But a few days later we discovered he had a defect. It wasn't visible. No one could see it. But it was there, and it was serious. He had a hole in his heart. He was born that way. Within a week after we discovered it, the doctors opened his chest and repaired that hole in his little heart. He was able to go on with his life in a normal manner. He's not even aware that he had a hole in his heart.
I wish I could say the same. My son and I are alike. We've both had holes in our heart. He was born that way and it was repaired. I wasn't born with one, but over my childhood years the hole was created and it grew larger as I grew. It hasn't been repaired, even though I've tried. It's a different shape than my son's. The hole in my heart is in the shape of my father. Physical surgery won't repair the hole. It will take something like emotional surgery or healing for it to slowly close. I'm not sure how to go about the process. I'm confused. Is it dependent upon my father reaching into my life and somehow undoing what he did or doing what he failed to do years ago? I just want a whole heart. It's too bad there are no heart transplants for this kind of disorder.
There are many daughters walking around with a hole in their heart in the shape of their father. They are missing something from their father that should have been given. Or he responded to them in ways that were way beyond what any daughter should have to endure. Or he simply vanished one day from their lives and hasn't reappeared. Any of these experiences can create a hole that seemingly cannot be filled by anything else. If you think you are alone, that your pain is unique to you and your family, I hope that this book will show you that this is not true. Listen in as other adult daughters share how their dads influenced them--sometimes positively and sometimes negatively--far beyond their childhood years.
* My relationship with my father was incomplete, guarded, confusing, and sad. He was an intelligent, funny, deep, and personally likable man when sober, and an explosive, unpredictable, abusive, angry, pathetic, destructive shell of a man when drinking, which increased as time went on.
* My father and I have always had a good relationship. He has always held high standards, but they were never unreasonable. I hold those same standards today--expectations that people should always try their best, be polite, behave themselves, and make something of themselves, but also not to allow ambition to get in the way of happiness. I can talk to my father about anything and feel very comfortable asking his advice on things relating to finances, politics, and life in general. We have grown closer as I have gotten older because we share the same love of history and good conversation about important things, plus we both have grown spiritually over the past five to ten years. I have never felt anything but good about our relationship in general, though of course there were times when we may not have seen eye to eye, as there are in any father/daughter relationship.
* My father was not available for me emotionally. I do not recall ever discussing struggles or problems with him or seeking his counsel. I recall asking his advice about a boyfriend once when I was in college. I had consciously decided to offer him the opportunity to give me advice because I had been thinking that maybe he hadn't given any counsel because I had never asked. I remember his responding that he really couldn't answer the question, and that I would need to decide, because it was my life. (It was apparent that he was not comfortable with giving me advice.) He was not available to help with homework or provide advice on anything like choosing classes, extra-curricular activity options, career possibilities, my interests or life goals, moral decisions, college options, car repairs, home purchases. Although I performed well in school (A & B honor rolls) and was/am extremely responsible, I do not recall my dad offering praise or acknowledgment other than on very rare occasions, and only as a result of my mom's prompting. (On a positive note, I know that as an adult, he is proud of me and I do know that he loves me. I observe that he asks questions about things in my life and is trying to get to know me. I am touched by these things.)
* My biological father was in my life from birth till I was approximately six and a half years old. I came five years after the loss of a two-year-old daughter. My dad spoiled me, carried me in his arms or on his shoulders. He was kind, loving, indulgent, and oh so strong. At six-and-a-half my dad had a breakdown, and I didn't see him again until I was fourteen. By then I didn't know him and was afraid.
* The gap between my father and me is actually growing as we get older. I'm beginning to see how disrespectful and hurtful he can be and has been in the past toward my mom. I'm having a hard time reconciling the daddy I loved as a child and the man that I recognize him to be today. I'm embarrassed by some of the things he does, but I still want to defend him to the grave. It's painful.
* My father wasn't there for me. Until I was thirteen, he was gone from early in the morning, after breakfast, till dinner time ... to work mostly. When he was home, he retreated into a book or turned on the radio. We kids were to be seen and not heard. He played music or the news during meals. Then the summer I turned thirteen he left us, at our mom's request. She said later that she couldn't take his criticism and silence. I was relieved. My brother was angry. He said that ended his hope of having a dad like everyone else. I was glad that I didn't have to pretend to sleep in on the weekends to avoid his anger. When I was engaged and brought my intended to meet him, Dad refused to shake hands with him. He stood there with his arms folded over his chest and told my fiancé that some people worked, and those who couldn't work were teachers. My fiancé was a teacher.
* Because my father was an alcoholic, it was almost like having two fathers. When he was sober he was loving and fun. When he was drunk I became the adult, since he became the one who needed to be taken care of.
* It was a wonderful, close relationship. His love and respect for my mother was the greatest gift a man can give his family. Although I grew up during the Depression, I never doubted that he would take care of me. He was well respected in our community, and I felt it a privilege to be his daughter.
Father--a powerful word. A positive word for some and painful for others. What is a father? Who is he supposed to be, and what is he supposed to do? Sometimes in my counseling practice I have heard women describe what they wish their fathers would be or had been, and my only response has been, “He doesn't exist anywhere.” He sounded like Superfather, who could bound from one building to another. Some create fathers in the image of what they want him to be rather than what he could ever be. Often we do this with God, our heavenly Father, too.
As I work with those in grief and trauma, I'm often given a window to look through into a person's theology. What we believe about God really comes to the forefront when we are hurting. And so often what I hear is what people wish God would be rather than who He is according to the Scriptures. But we cannot create God in the image we want Him to be in order to satisfy our needs. He is who He is, whether that meets our approval or not.
In the same way, some women will never have the father they want, not because of a deficiency in their dad but because what they desire is unrealistic and unattainable. For others, what they want is reasonable, and it would be healthier for their dad if he were that way. But some fathers are so emotionally and/or developmentally challenged it would take years of work--maybe even therapy--for his healing to occur. Only then could his daughter hope to see the preferred change in their father-daughter relationship.
The book The Wonder of Girls--Understanding the Hidden Nature of Our Daughters by Michael Gurian is one of the best books I've seen on this topic. In a very succinct way the author describes the impact of a father upon his daughter. He said,
A father who is honest with his daughter about his own flaws becomes her confidant. A father who remains stoic becomes her enigma to solve. A father who distances himself too greatly from his daughter becomes a burden she carries into life. If a father always finds time to cuddle, listen to, toss in the air, dance with, run alongside, coach, comfort, and protect his daughter, he will give her the gift of life he is built to give. If a father withholds nothing, teaching his daughter the life skills she needs to know, he shares an active kind of respect for variety in a girl's developing self. If a father competes with his daughter in games, but especially when she is young, lets her win her share of races, he is showing her both his own humility and her potential. And as a father helps a daughter enter the worlds of sexuality, romance and then marriage, a man becomes more than an arm to walk down the aisle with--he becomes-- in his daughter's mind fearless..."
20 Fun Resolutions for a Happier You
Tired of making the same old New Year’s resolutions, knowing full well you won’t stick to them? Even though most of us truly want to be healthier, get more exercise, and improve our daily lives, our resolve to do so just doesn’t seem strong enough for us to follow through.
Rather than repeating your old resolutions this year, try some of these culled from the lists of nine experts in women’s physical and mental health. You’re bound to find a few that not only help you live a better life, but that you’ll actually enjoy keeping!
In 2006, I resolve to:
1. Smile more. Laurie Steelsmith, N.D., L. Ac., author of Natural Choices for Women’s Health: How the Secretsof Natural and Chinese Medicine Can Create A Lifetime of Wellness, recommends looking at your reflection every day and giving yourself the gift of a loving smile.
2. Wind-up to unwind. Sometimes nothing helps you unwind better than a few minutes of silliness. I have a collection of wind-up toys and whenever I feel I’m wound just a little too tight, I set them all off at the same time.
3. Make small change. Changing one small thing can change everything. Find a tiny step you’re willing to take now and pledge to do it, no matter how minor it may seem. (Learn more at www.speakingofwomenshealth.com).
4. Get curiouser and curiouser. The more you want to know about the world around you, the more passionate you become about your life. Curiosity also helps you stay open-minded and flexible, according to Syracuse Cultural Workers (www.syracuseculturalworkers.org).
5. Make every step count. A pedometer can be the most motivational piece of exercise equipment you can own. I got one two years ago and every time I strap it on, I tend to walk longer and further, just to watch the miles and calories burned click off.
6. Go au natural. Nature nourishes our bodies and souls, according to Linda Breen Pierce, author of Simplicity Lessons: A 12-Step Guide to Living Simply, but we spend most of our days surrounded with unnatural things: cubicle walls, wall-to-wall-carpet, technology. Keep in touch with nature by touching the earth every day.
7. Make pleasure a priority. Wendy Maltz, a nationally recognized author suggests you write a list of things that bring you joy and make sure to do something from that list every week.
8. Add more color. Choose your fruits and vegetables as you do your friends – the more colorful the better.
9. Water it down. We all know we should drink more water and less coffee, tea and soda, but it can be hard to make the substitution. Dr. Jyotsna Sahni, an internist, recommends making water more interesting by adding a drop of essential oil of peppermint, spearmint, or orange.
10. Wake up happy. It’s simple really – before your feet hit the floor, say to yourself, “Today I choose happiness. I will find the bright side, the good things, and the beauty in this day.”
11. Schedule fewer extracurricular activities. Linda Breen Pierce suggests deciding how many hours a week you have to invest in activities not related to your priorities and then sticking to that number.
12. Buy power tools. Don’t let the guys in your life have all the fun! There’s something empowering about owning your own power tool and knowing how to use it.
13. Get fishy. Not only does eating fish reduce your risk of heart disease, stroke, arthritis, and cancer, it can also improve your mood.
14. Listen. We often think of communication skills as being the ability to say what we mean and mean what we say, but the art of communication is as much about closing our mouth as it is about opening it.
15. Never end the day with the news. Make it a habit never to watch the news or anything of a violent nature immediately before going to bed. Sleep is a time to rest and become rejuvenated. Images of trauma can sear themselves into your brain and keep you awake or interrupt your dreams. Instead, end your day with something that makes you joyful.
16. Become a morning person. Linda Breen Pierce recommends going to sleep thirty minutes earlier and getting up thirty minutes earlier for meditation, journal writing, a quiet walk in nature, or just sitting on the porch listening to the birds sing.
17. Schedule a “Fix It Day” once a month. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, but if it is, put it on your schedule. If you can’t fix it yourself, let a professional take care of it. Cindy Glovinsky notes that much of the clutter in our lives is a result of things that don’t work piling up around the house.
18. Put it on the calendar. Instead of spending your time and energy wondering if and when you should go in for preventive health tests, Dr. Sahni recommends you sit down with your new calendar, choose a date, and schedule your Pap smear, mammogram, and bone density test.
19. Have a fashion show once every six months. Twice a year, drag all your clothes, shoes, and accessories out and model them for yourself. If they don’t fit, don’t suit your sense of style any more, or just never get worn, pack them off to a local charity.
20. Make a new funny friend. Friendship is one of the healthiest things we women do in our lives. Not only does having friends who make you laugh help you feel better in good times and bad, it also creates all kinds of healthy changes in your body . Whenever you meet someone who makes you laugh really hard this year, invite them out to lunch.
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