Here is a great exercise for couples to try, which can greatly help enhance the intimacy in your relationship. Begin by reflecting on your current relationship. As you think about your relationship notice what thoughts, feelings and sensations arise within. Allow them to be there, without judging their nature in any way. Then put some attention on your current perceptions of your partner: good, bad or indifferent. Notice any blaming or limiting thoughts you may have about your partner, or what you perceive to be their shortcomings or character defects.
Now let us give you a splendid gift for your relationship. The gift starts with a recognition that unless we have chosen an abusive or chemically dependent partner, our perception of our partner is but a reflection of our own efforts at creating love. Our partner is the perfect mirror who gives us back what we give. When we find ourselves taking an inventory of our partner's defects, it is a sure sign that we are avoiding responsibility for what we have created and brought out in our partner. "But you don't understand! He really IS..." Alas, we cannot change our partner's character. But we can change the present and future quality of our relationship.
A powerful question to ask yourself is this: how would YOU act toward your partner if you thought they were the best partner for you in the whole world? That is, imagine that right now (whether you believe it or not!) the person you are dating or living together or married to the complete and total embodiment of what you perceive of as the perfect mate for you: the perfect personality, the perfect body, the perfect spiritual practice, whatever would be absolutely perfect for you. Next, think about how you would act toward this perfect partner. Would you be attentive? Aloof? Thoughtful? Distant? Affectionate? Sarcastic? Romantic? Crabby? Seductive? Would you rush home and turn on the TV or the computer? What events would you plan? What cards would you write? Make a list of all the things you would do, and how often you would do them.
In this little exercise lies one of the secrets to an everlasting love. The qualities that sustain an alive, loving, healthy intimate relationship over time are not the big gifts or splashy anniversary or holiday presents. Rather, love is enlivened and sustained by the small, repeated kindnesses that cost little in money or time but a great deal in terms of effort and thoughtfulness. So you want to unleash the highest loving potential of your partner? It's simple: for thirty days, do everything that you would do for your imaginary perfect partner with your current partner. Do everything on your list, and do it as often as you would with your perfect partner. Don't tell your partner what you are doing until a month has passed. By doing this exercise, you will give your partner, as well as your relationship, the best gift they could receive. In most cases, your partner will spontaneously begin to be more loving and thoughtful in return.
Why does this work? On a metaphysical level, it works because love begets love, and the energy of your unselfish acts resonates in the loving space of your partner. Service is a great spiritual practice, and serving the world begins at home. It also works on a more mundane level: because many of us practice ego-centered love, we withhold and will not give any more until we feel we have received enough to compensate us for our efforts in advance. Consciously or not, we keep score. But when we visualize that we are with the perfect partner who treats us in as ideal a manner as we could imagine, who intuitively understands our every need, we spontaneously feel like giving, like being loving and thoughtful, simply because we feel grateful and even lucky to be with this person. This exactly mirrors how we feel when we first fall in love: our heart opens wide, and being loving and thoughtful happens effortlessly. This gives us a wonderful vision of what is possible with this person we barely know.
The good news is that we can recover and revisit that vision by making a mindful, conscious effort to be loving and thoughtful. And that is why the visualization is actually a manifestation of the truth: the person who has chosen to be with us today, out of everyone else they could be with, is the best partner for us right now. We can honor and respect the fact that we have been brought together for a profound reason: this is the best partner for us to learn what we have to learn, as we are for them. Too often in intimate relationships we wait passively for our partner to act lovingly towards us, to give us a reason to act in a loving manner; or we wait for the presence of romantic feelings to give us a reason or permission to act in a loving manner. We remember in the beginning how we acted so lovingly when we felt such strong, intense feelings, and we wait for them to return. And if they don't, we assume we're incompatible, or that this is just not the right person for us. The truth, however, is that when the infatuation ends, the real relationship beings. And in the real relationship, true loving feelings are created by effortful loving acts, not the other way around. And when both people experience true loving feelings on a consistent basis, by consistently acting in a loving manner, there is no end to the spiral of love that can be created. So choose now to give your relationship a gift that truly keeps on giving every day of the year.
If you or your partner need help in learning how to give your relationship these type of loving gifts, we can help. Call (248) 546-0407 and ask how we can help you create a loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
Saturday 25 April 2009
How to Communicate in a Healthy, Constructive Manner
Research has shown that there is a structured communication format that can be very helpful for couples to communicate in a more healthy and constructive than they often do. This format is called by a variety of names, such as Active Listening or Mirroring. The basic elements of this communication format are shown below.
If you find that you are unable or unwilling to practice this format with your partner, you may need help from a professional who can help you understand what is causing the problems in your communication. Couples Therapy is very helpful in this case.
There are typically four major blocks to healthy communication which couples experience in their interactions:
1. Arguing or Withdrawing
2. Blaming and Accusing
3. Not Listening
4. Changing the Subject
By using these blocks to good communication, a couple virtually insures that they will not be able to resolve conflicts. Over time, these styles of communication will create resentment, distance and an unhappy relationship.
Fortunately, there are skills which can be learned by most couples, to substitute for each of these communication blocks. In this format, only one person speaks at a time, and the other person's job is purely to listen. Only when the first person is completely done talking does the other one begin expressing what they have to say.
Instead of arguing or withdrawing, couples can learn to:
1. SET THE STAGE FOR HEALTHY COMMUNICATION
For good communication to occur, it must be the right time and place. If either of you is too upset or distracted, the interaction will most likely end up with one of the above four communication blocks predominating the discussion. So if you know you or your partner is too upset to have a constructive conversation, do the following:
-Stop and cool down; leave the situation if necessary for a while
-Set a specific time and place to talk again
-Don't interrupt your partner; let them express
-Acknowledge your partner's concerns
Instead of Blaming and Accusing, couples can learn to:
2. USE "I" MESSAGES
When couples do a lot of blaming and accusing, they start many sentences to each other with words such as "you always..." or "you never...". Their partner is immediately put on the defensive when they hear a sentence beginning with the word "you".
A better method is to take responsibility for what you are feeling and communicate that to your partner. Begin your sentences with phrases like "I feel..." or "I think..."
-Discuss your feelings in a responsible way
-If you discuss your partner's behavior, again do so in terms of your feelings
-Let your partner know your feelings when they engage in the behavior
-Tell your partner the consequences of their behavior to you
As an example of this, if you are upset your partner doesn't call when they're coming home late, you could use blaming and accusing and say, "You're irresponsible" or "You don't care about me" or "You're selfish". Using "I" messages, the same statement might come out like this: "When you stay out late past when you told me you'd be home, I feel hurt, frustrated and angry. When you finally do come home, I really don't want to be close with you. In fact, it usually takes me all day long the next day before I feel like being close with you again."
Instead of not listening, couples can learn to:
3. USE ACTIVE LISTENING
With Active Listening, the listener's job is purely to listen, without interruption, without adding anything to what the speaker has said. The key elements of Active Listening are to:
-Listen to understand: even if you don't agree with what you're partner is saying, pay attention and listen to it.
-Summarize: after you've heard them, paraphrase and repeat back what you heard. "So what I heard you say was..."
-Verify: when you are done summarizing what you heard your partner say, ask them, "Did I hear you correctly?" Let them give you feedback. Maybe you missed an important element of what they said. This is not a test and not about being right or wrong; it's about listening and your partner being heard.
-Be open and receptive for more input: when your partner has agreed that you have heard them on that one comment, ask them, "Is there anything else you want to say?" Let them know that they have the floor until they are finished getting everything out that they need to.
Instead of changing the subject, couples can learn to:
4. STAY ON ONE SUBJECT AT A TIME
By agreeing ahead of time to talk only about one topic and nothing else, couples can make significant progress on an issue. It may take several sessions to hear what each other has to say about a topic, just as it took some time for the feelings about it to develop. Be patient and keep talking.
By using this structured communication format, couples are forced to listen without interruption, and to take responsibility for what they are experiencing. While getting skillful at this format takes some practice, it is more than worth the effort when couples see that they have the power to transform repetitive hostile arguments into healing, solutions-focused discussions. And when this communication exercise is used in tandem with the method for resolving conflicts, couples have some very powerful and effective tools at their disposal.
If you find that you are unable or unwilling to practice this format with your partner, you may need help from a professional who can help you understand what is causing the problems in your communication. Couples Therapy is very helpful in this case.
There are typically four major blocks to healthy communication which couples experience in their interactions:
1. Arguing or Withdrawing
2. Blaming and Accusing
3. Not Listening
4. Changing the Subject
By using these blocks to good communication, a couple virtually insures that they will not be able to resolve conflicts. Over time, these styles of communication will create resentment, distance and an unhappy relationship.
Fortunately, there are skills which can be learned by most couples, to substitute for each of these communication blocks. In this format, only one person speaks at a time, and the other person's job is purely to listen. Only when the first person is completely done talking does the other one begin expressing what they have to say.
Instead of arguing or withdrawing, couples can learn to:
1. SET THE STAGE FOR HEALTHY COMMUNICATION
For good communication to occur, it must be the right time and place. If either of you is too upset or distracted, the interaction will most likely end up with one of the above four communication blocks predominating the discussion. So if you know you or your partner is too upset to have a constructive conversation, do the following:
-Stop and cool down; leave the situation if necessary for a while
-Set a specific time and place to talk again
-Don't interrupt your partner; let them express
-Acknowledge your partner's concerns
Instead of Blaming and Accusing, couples can learn to:
2. USE "I" MESSAGES
When couples do a lot of blaming and accusing, they start many sentences to each other with words such as "you always..." or "you never...". Their partner is immediately put on the defensive when they hear a sentence beginning with the word "you".
A better method is to take responsibility for what you are feeling and communicate that to your partner. Begin your sentences with phrases like "I feel..." or "I think..."
-Discuss your feelings in a responsible way
-If you discuss your partner's behavior, again do so in terms of your feelings
-Let your partner know your feelings when they engage in the behavior
-Tell your partner the consequences of their behavior to you
As an example of this, if you are upset your partner doesn't call when they're coming home late, you could use blaming and accusing and say, "You're irresponsible" or "You don't care about me" or "You're selfish". Using "I" messages, the same statement might come out like this: "When you stay out late past when you told me you'd be home, I feel hurt, frustrated and angry. When you finally do come home, I really don't want to be close with you. In fact, it usually takes me all day long the next day before I feel like being close with you again."
Instead of not listening, couples can learn to:
3. USE ACTIVE LISTENING
With Active Listening, the listener's job is purely to listen, without interruption, without adding anything to what the speaker has said. The key elements of Active Listening are to:
-Listen to understand: even if you don't agree with what you're partner is saying, pay attention and listen to it.
-Summarize: after you've heard them, paraphrase and repeat back what you heard. "So what I heard you say was..."
-Verify: when you are done summarizing what you heard your partner say, ask them, "Did I hear you correctly?" Let them give you feedback. Maybe you missed an important element of what they said. This is not a test and not about being right or wrong; it's about listening and your partner being heard.
-Be open and receptive for more input: when your partner has agreed that you have heard them on that one comment, ask them, "Is there anything else you want to say?" Let them know that they have the floor until they are finished getting everything out that they need to.
Instead of changing the subject, couples can learn to:
4. STAY ON ONE SUBJECT AT A TIME
By agreeing ahead of time to talk only about one topic and nothing else, couples can make significant progress on an issue. It may take several sessions to hear what each other has to say about a topic, just as it took some time for the feelings about it to develop. Be patient and keep talking.
By using this structured communication format, couples are forced to listen without interruption, and to take responsibility for what they are experiencing. While getting skillful at this format takes some practice, it is more than worth the effort when couples see that they have the power to transform repetitive hostile arguments into healing, solutions-focused discussions. And when this communication exercise is used in tandem with the method for resolving conflicts, couples have some very powerful and effective tools at their disposal.
Good Signs in a Dating Partner
There are plenty of single people who are conscious and healthy and have some insight into themselves. The following is a list of the traits and behaviors that an ideal healthy dating partner will exhibit. While no one may fit all of these, use this as a general guide to assess the health of your partner.
Healthy dating partners:
* are comfortable in discussing their feelings about their past and present life
* have good relationships with their family members but are also living a physically and psychologically independent life
* respect your physical and emotional boundaries and reveal vulnerable information about themselves gradually over time
* use intoxicants occasionally or not at all, and when they do use them, they do so without losing control or significantly changing their personality
* are comfortable and secure enough within themselves to be satisfied with attention from you; do not need to constantly seek out attention and admiration from others
* are psychologically finished with previous significant relationships
* have had enough time to get over the breakup of their last significant relationship (at least three to six months from a breakup with a dating partner and at least one year from the legal date of a divorce or breakup from a cohabiting or marriage relationship)
* are financially stable and seem to be able to handle financial issues without losing control
* can balance the need for control with the ability to be flexible when appropriate
* are able to express fears or vulnerability in emotionally safe situations
* are reliable; follow through on pre-arranged plans; show up on time for most meetings
* have an appropriate emphasis on physical or sexual themes as an integrated part of an overall blossoming romantic relationship; do not always need external "props" to become aroused or perform sexually
* have one or more personal friendships that they have sustained for at least several years
* show an interest in you and your feelings and activities as well as in their own
* have a lifestyle which is conducive and allows for the addition of an intimate relationship; are able to balance work and personal life and create enough time for both
* have a positive, optimistic outlook on life
* have a good sense of humor
* take responsibility for their life, their feelings and the consequences of their decisions without blaming others
* take care of self physically and emotionally; dresses in a clean, attractive manner and eats right and exercises regularly
* are able to receive constructive feedback from others without getting defensive
* if they use computers, they use a computer as a tool, not as a constant companion
* have more friends and acquaintances in their real life than in cyberspace
* know how to resolve conflict in a constructive manner, or is willing to learn how to do so
* allow themselves to feel their anger and resentment and expresses anger in an appropriate manner
Remember, this list is only a guide. If you are dating someone you really like and find them don't have all of these qualities, don't be overly concerned. In that case this list may be a guide for how to improve your relationship even more. On the other hand, if you find that your current dating partner has less than half of the qualities on this list, you may want to re-evaluate whether or not the relationship is truly healthy for you.
Healthy dating partners:
* are comfortable in discussing their feelings about their past and present life
* have good relationships with their family members but are also living a physically and psychologically independent life
* respect your physical and emotional boundaries and reveal vulnerable information about themselves gradually over time
* use intoxicants occasionally or not at all, and when they do use them, they do so without losing control or significantly changing their personality
* are comfortable and secure enough within themselves to be satisfied with attention from you; do not need to constantly seek out attention and admiration from others
* are psychologically finished with previous significant relationships
* have had enough time to get over the breakup of their last significant relationship (at least three to six months from a breakup with a dating partner and at least one year from the legal date of a divorce or breakup from a cohabiting or marriage relationship)
* are financially stable and seem to be able to handle financial issues without losing control
* can balance the need for control with the ability to be flexible when appropriate
* are able to express fears or vulnerability in emotionally safe situations
* are reliable; follow through on pre-arranged plans; show up on time for most meetings
* have an appropriate emphasis on physical or sexual themes as an integrated part of an overall blossoming romantic relationship; do not always need external "props" to become aroused or perform sexually
* have one or more personal friendships that they have sustained for at least several years
* show an interest in you and your feelings and activities as well as in their own
* have a lifestyle which is conducive and allows for the addition of an intimate relationship; are able to balance work and personal life and create enough time for both
* have a positive, optimistic outlook on life
* have a good sense of humor
* take responsibility for their life, their feelings and the consequences of their decisions without blaming others
* take care of self physically and emotionally; dresses in a clean, attractive manner and eats right and exercises regularly
* are able to receive constructive feedback from others without getting defensive
* if they use computers, they use a computer as a tool, not as a constant companion
* have more friends and acquaintances in their real life than in cyberspace
* know how to resolve conflict in a constructive manner, or is willing to learn how to do so
* allow themselves to feel their anger and resentment and expresses anger in an appropriate manner
Remember, this list is only a guide. If you are dating someone you really like and find them don't have all of these qualities, don't be overly concerned. In that case this list may be a guide for how to improve your relationship even more. On the other hand, if you find that your current dating partner has less than half of the qualities on this list, you may want to re-evaluate whether or not the relationship is truly healthy for you.
Getting Support as a Single Person
It may be of interest to you that according to recent demographic data, there are more single people alive today than ever before in history. There is clearly no shortage of available single people.
Being single can be a wonderfully fun and option-filled lifestyle. It can also be extremely difficult in that our culture tends to be so couples and family oriented. What can singles do to get support with and from other singles, and also put themselves in situations where they are most likely to meet a potential partner?
The social world of the single person should be like the financial world of any adult: diversify your assets and resources. While isolation is the worst coping strategy, jumping into a new intense relationship out of need or loneliness is a close second. Committing to spending time with a variety of single people and singles' organizations is your best bet to feel good about yourself and maximize your chances for companionship and love in the long run.
The good news is that today's singles scene is more organized and rich than ever before. There are a wide variety of singles activities to fit anyone's interests or needs. At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, we maintain a file of Michigan singles organizations that we distribute freely to anyone who would like one. If you know of a good organization that you'd like others to know about, or if you'd like a copy of our Singles Resource List, call (248) 546-0407 or email us at info@relationship-institute.com and we'll get one right out to you.
Many people enter singles organizations after the breakup of the serious relationship. While the temptation may be great to jump right in and get seriously involved with a new person, that is the single riskiest thing a recently single person can do. Recovering and healing from a divorce or breakup of a serious committed relationship takes time (at least a year or two) and the support of others. Research backs up the risk of "rebound relationships". People who marry again within one year of the legal date of their divorce have a 79% subsequent divorce rate. While this number seems high, from the perspective of a conscious approach to relationships that we take, it is not surprising. You cannot possibly know who you are marrying in only one year, under any circumstances, but especially while experiencing the hurt, confusion and trauma of a breakup or divorce.
Do yourself a favor. Get involved in several singles' groups. Attend functions on a regular basis. Take time to heal. Develop a good support system around you that will be with you when you are ready to begin dating again. At the worst, you will develop some great friends and companions. At the best, you're laying the foundation for a balanced, healthy social network out of which a serious relationship can grow. And when that seemingly special person does come along, you have a great resource in your support system of singles to help you see if they really are compatible with you for the long haul.
Creating a diversified social life is one great way to insure that you will not only survive but thrive in today's single world. And it's also a great way to refine your interpersonal skills while getting ready for your next foray into the world of dating.
Being single can be a wonderfully fun and option-filled lifestyle. It can also be extremely difficult in that our culture tends to be so couples and family oriented. What can singles do to get support with and from other singles, and also put themselves in situations where they are most likely to meet a potential partner?
The social world of the single person should be like the financial world of any adult: diversify your assets and resources. While isolation is the worst coping strategy, jumping into a new intense relationship out of need or loneliness is a close second. Committing to spending time with a variety of single people and singles' organizations is your best bet to feel good about yourself and maximize your chances for companionship and love in the long run.
The good news is that today's singles scene is more organized and rich than ever before. There are a wide variety of singles activities to fit anyone's interests or needs. At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, we maintain a file of Michigan singles organizations that we distribute freely to anyone who would like one. If you know of a good organization that you'd like others to know about, or if you'd like a copy of our Singles Resource List, call (248) 546-0407 or email us at info@relationship-institute.com and we'll get one right out to you.
Many people enter singles organizations after the breakup of the serious relationship. While the temptation may be great to jump right in and get seriously involved with a new person, that is the single riskiest thing a recently single person can do. Recovering and healing from a divorce or breakup of a serious committed relationship takes time (at least a year or two) and the support of others. Research backs up the risk of "rebound relationships". People who marry again within one year of the legal date of their divorce have a 79% subsequent divorce rate. While this number seems high, from the perspective of a conscious approach to relationships that we take, it is not surprising. You cannot possibly know who you are marrying in only one year, under any circumstances, but especially while experiencing the hurt, confusion and trauma of a breakup or divorce.
Do yourself a favor. Get involved in several singles' groups. Attend functions on a regular basis. Take time to heal. Develop a good support system around you that will be with you when you are ready to begin dating again. At the worst, you will develop some great friends and companions. At the best, you're laying the foundation for a balanced, healthy social network out of which a serious relationship can grow. And when that seemingly special person does come along, you have a great resource in your support system of singles to help you see if they really are compatible with you for the long haul.
Creating a diversified social life is one great way to insure that you will not only survive but thrive in today's single world. And it's also a great way to refine your interpersonal skills while getting ready for your next foray into the world of dating.
Flying Solo in a Couples' World
Being single in today’s world can be very challenging in a number of ways. On a material level, it’s difficult to be solely responsible for your existence, and to find the time to keep up with everything in your life. But it can be even more challenging socially and emotionally given the frenetic pace and impersonal tone of our technology-dominated culture. In any given day, we may have more electronic contacts than human ones. And while email, voice mail and telephones are wonderful tools, they don’t address the heart’s deeper yearning for authentic human connection. In our workshops with singles, we frequently hear people express frustrations about their single lifestyle. We hear that there are no ‘quality singles’ out there, that ‘all the good ones are taken’ and that everything in our culture is geared for couples. We fervently believe that all of these are false, and if you are single, we would like to offer some positive tips and resources to help you enjoy your single lifestyle to the max, whether or not you are focusing attention on creating an intimate relationship.
To begin with, it’s important to realize that there are more adult singles than ever before! There are over 35 million adult singles over the age of 25 in the U.S., and over ½ million right here in southeastern Michigan. So there are plenty of potential kindred souls to connect with. As for the ‘quality’ issue, we all attract and resonate with whatever energy we create. So if you want more quality people in your life, take responsibility in becoming a more quality person yourself, whatever that means to you, and you will find similar people attracted to your energy.
The good news is that in addition to there being an abundance of singles in the world today, there are also more easy and efficient ways to meet them than ever before, whether you’re interested in friendship or romance. There are numerous excellent social and recreational singles’ groups in our area, with almost every possible interest and lifestyle choice represented. New single friends are literally just a phone call or click away (we have a list of singles’ groups and resources in southeastern Michigan on our web site, as well as nationwide Online Singles' Resource Links).
There are also free or inexpensive Internet-based personal ads and chat rooms to help singles connect. Our bias is that real live human connections are deeper and more meaningful than electronic ones, so we recommend using the Internet to meet friends or dating partners locally, and then as soon as possible try to meet in person. Also, we urge caution in contacting dating partners through the Internet, since the possibility of misrepresenting oneself is higher than in any other medium. To keep things safe, we recommend that women not give out their home phone number or address to someone they have never met in person, and everyone should have an initial face-to-face meeting in a public place during daytime hours.
What about this idea that ‘all the good ones are taken’? This implies that all the good partners end up in committed relationships while they’re young and are never again available. But the reality is that many people experience the most profound growth only after a painful relationship ends, whatever their age. By dealing with the breakup consciously they become far wiser and healthy than they ever were before. ‘Good ones’ aren’t all taken, in fact new ‘good ones’ are being created every day! There are an abundant number of people who have personally and spiritually grown from their life lessons and right now are emotionally and physically available to create the best relationship of their life.
Lastly, regarding the ‘couples culture’ we live in, while it’s true that many activities are geared for couples and families, it’s also true that today there are more activities than ever before exclusively created for singles. However, as a single person you may have to exert more effort to find them than a couple does. But this underscores the larger issue that if you’re single, you need to adopt a positive, proactive, responsible attitude toward your single life. No one will come knocking on your door and ask you to dinner or to play volleyball or go canoeing. But with the proper attitude and effort, a huge range of people and activities are available for you. In this sense, being single affords you a fabulous opportunity to learn a most precious life lesson: without anyone else there to blame for your woes or to pick you up when you’re down, you can literally see how day-by-day you are creating your reality and lifestyle though every choice, every decision, and every fear and self-imposed limitation that you choose to not resolve. And if you prefer a different life experience, you have the power to choose to create that as well.
It’s also essential to develop a positive support system of single friends, who will help you deal with the inevitable ups and downs of life, and be there for you when you need physical, emotional or even financial help. Far too many singles isolate themselves and then have no emotional safety net to fall back on. Or they start dating someone, but have no help in assessing how healthy their new relationship really is, and may not see some obvious areas of incompatibility that a loving friend could easily point out.
Being in a relationship and being single are really just two different sides of the same life coin: both have challenges, both have freedoms, both have lessons, and both are wonderful opportunities to learn to become the best person you can be and fully express the gifts you came to this life with.
To begin with, it’s important to realize that there are more adult singles than ever before! There are over 35 million adult singles over the age of 25 in the U.S., and over ½ million right here in southeastern Michigan. So there are plenty of potential kindred souls to connect with. As for the ‘quality’ issue, we all attract and resonate with whatever energy we create. So if you want more quality people in your life, take responsibility in becoming a more quality person yourself, whatever that means to you, and you will find similar people attracted to your energy.
The good news is that in addition to there being an abundance of singles in the world today, there are also more easy and efficient ways to meet them than ever before, whether you’re interested in friendship or romance. There are numerous excellent social and recreational singles’ groups in our area, with almost every possible interest and lifestyle choice represented. New single friends are literally just a phone call or click away (we have a list of singles’ groups and resources in southeastern Michigan on our web site, as well as nationwide Online Singles' Resource Links).
There are also free or inexpensive Internet-based personal ads and chat rooms to help singles connect. Our bias is that real live human connections are deeper and more meaningful than electronic ones, so we recommend using the Internet to meet friends or dating partners locally, and then as soon as possible try to meet in person. Also, we urge caution in contacting dating partners through the Internet, since the possibility of misrepresenting oneself is higher than in any other medium. To keep things safe, we recommend that women not give out their home phone number or address to someone they have never met in person, and everyone should have an initial face-to-face meeting in a public place during daytime hours.
What about this idea that ‘all the good ones are taken’? This implies that all the good partners end up in committed relationships while they’re young and are never again available. But the reality is that many people experience the most profound growth only after a painful relationship ends, whatever their age. By dealing with the breakup consciously they become far wiser and healthy than they ever were before. ‘Good ones’ aren’t all taken, in fact new ‘good ones’ are being created every day! There are an abundant number of people who have personally and spiritually grown from their life lessons and right now are emotionally and physically available to create the best relationship of their life.
Lastly, regarding the ‘couples culture’ we live in, while it’s true that many activities are geared for couples and families, it’s also true that today there are more activities than ever before exclusively created for singles. However, as a single person you may have to exert more effort to find them than a couple does. But this underscores the larger issue that if you’re single, you need to adopt a positive, proactive, responsible attitude toward your single life. No one will come knocking on your door and ask you to dinner or to play volleyball or go canoeing. But with the proper attitude and effort, a huge range of people and activities are available for you. In this sense, being single affords you a fabulous opportunity to learn a most precious life lesson: without anyone else there to blame for your woes or to pick you up when you’re down, you can literally see how day-by-day you are creating your reality and lifestyle though every choice, every decision, and every fear and self-imposed limitation that you choose to not resolve. And if you prefer a different life experience, you have the power to choose to create that as well.
It’s also essential to develop a positive support system of single friends, who will help you deal with the inevitable ups and downs of life, and be there for you when you need physical, emotional or even financial help. Far too many singles isolate themselves and then have no emotional safety net to fall back on. Or they start dating someone, but have no help in assessing how healthy their new relationship really is, and may not see some obvious areas of incompatibility that a loving friend could easily point out.
Being in a relationship and being single are really just two different sides of the same life coin: both have challenges, both have freedoms, both have lessons, and both are wonderful opportunities to learn to become the best person you can be and fully express the gifts you came to this life with.
Fears and Relationships
In our work with singles and couples, we often hear people express great excitement at the prospect of creating a healthy, alive, loving intimate relationship. With tremendous enthusiasm and sincerity they proclaim, ''I am willing to do ANYTHING it takes to have a great relationship!'' They speak fondly of their visions of close, happy, loving moments with that one special partner, sharing all aspects of themselves and their lives with their true soul mate. And then they embark on that most intimate of journeys, the journey of love, which always starts within ourselves.
When we seek genuine intimate connection with another, sooner or later we come face-to-face with who we really are. We can hide from ourselves, our friends, our families and even our therapists and spiritual teachers, but ultimately we cannot hide from the One that we share intimate space with. This is a great blessing (which often feels like a curse!) because it helps us to grow in ways we would never choose to do on our own. All of us have parts that would rather stay in their cocoons and hide. So when the magic of love penetrates the soft underbelly beneath our defenses, we may feel incredibly alive, but also vulnerable and exposed in ways we have not let ourselves feel for a very long time. This can feel exhilarating, yet also terrifying.
These experiences of feeling scared or even terrified are not what our egos had in mind when we set out to experience a great loving relationship. These are the moments when we remember that phrase we read in some book or heard at that workshop: all of life comes down to a choice between fear and love. Yet we may feel lost and confused. When I'm scared like this, what IS the choice for love? Self-protection can seem like a pretty loving choice at these times.
If we have not learned how to create a safe, sacred space to express and work through these feelings, fear wins out, and we automatically don our masks of fear. Instead of dealing directly with our fears, we act them out indirectly. We shut down like a turtle pulling in its head. We put on several layers of new armor. If we're single, suddenly we are too busy to date; if we're in a relationship, we're too busy for our partner. After months of flexible schedules, we now have to work overtime four days a week. Or we find ourselves getting angry, annoyed, frustrated with the slightest inconvenience. Or we erupt in a rage, surprised at the strength of our feelings. Or we find ourselves turning to old ways of numbing, be it food, chemicals, a new lover, computers, work or any other way which keeps us out of touch with what is really going on in our hearts and guts. The masks of fear become so transparent that we can also quickly slip into blame. I did say I would do ANYTHING to make this work but that certainly didn't mean hanging out in fear, insecurity, sadness, anger or despair. That wasn't part of the deal at all. My life is about bliss, love, expansive consciousness and pure light pouring out of my heart. YOU must be bringing this energy into my life!
And when our masks of fear appear when we are in relationship, our partner is often angry or confused. Don't you love me anymore? What about our dreams? What about last week? Why can't I reach you anymore? And then out of self-protection, THEIR masks of fear will emerge, creating a distant relationship where true connection is impossible.
These are the moments that make or break a relationship. If we are unable or unwilling to take off our masks and tell ourselves and our partners what is really going on, our relationship will stagnate or end. We can blame it all on our partners' shortcoming and perhaps even feel sorry for them and all of their problems. We can smugly walk away and remind ourselves that there really aren't many people as together as we are, and perhaps loneliness is the price we must pay for being so exceptional.
If, however, we choose love instead of fear, responsibility over victimhood, and humility and truth over ego and distortion, a wonderful opportunity for healing ourselves as well as our relationship can occur. When we truly feel safe enough to allow our most vulnerable feelings to be shared, miracles can happen. Walls can come tumbling down and years of pain can be released.
What masks of fear are you wearing today, that are keeping you more distant and less connected to those in your life? Are you choosing fear or love with yourself and with your partner? By creating and attracting into your life enough resources to help you feel safe, you can start to take those masks off. Learn to ask for what you need, and how you need it. Trust your own intuition and connection to your Higher Power to decide if a person or situation or group is capable of providing the safety you need.
In consciously choosing love over our personal masks of fear, we truly honor the deepest meaning of our intimate connections and fulfill their highest potential. By willingly traversing the murky, shadowy aspects of our personal unfinished business, we invite our partner to do the same and ultimately allow a greater vision of love, intimacy and harmony to manifest in our lives and in the world.
When we seek genuine intimate connection with another, sooner or later we come face-to-face with who we really are. We can hide from ourselves, our friends, our families and even our therapists and spiritual teachers, but ultimately we cannot hide from the One that we share intimate space with. This is a great blessing (which often feels like a curse!) because it helps us to grow in ways we would never choose to do on our own. All of us have parts that would rather stay in their cocoons and hide. So when the magic of love penetrates the soft underbelly beneath our defenses, we may feel incredibly alive, but also vulnerable and exposed in ways we have not let ourselves feel for a very long time. This can feel exhilarating, yet also terrifying.
These experiences of feeling scared or even terrified are not what our egos had in mind when we set out to experience a great loving relationship. These are the moments when we remember that phrase we read in some book or heard at that workshop: all of life comes down to a choice between fear and love. Yet we may feel lost and confused. When I'm scared like this, what IS the choice for love? Self-protection can seem like a pretty loving choice at these times.
If we have not learned how to create a safe, sacred space to express and work through these feelings, fear wins out, and we automatically don our masks of fear. Instead of dealing directly with our fears, we act them out indirectly. We shut down like a turtle pulling in its head. We put on several layers of new armor. If we're single, suddenly we are too busy to date; if we're in a relationship, we're too busy for our partner. After months of flexible schedules, we now have to work overtime four days a week. Or we find ourselves getting angry, annoyed, frustrated with the slightest inconvenience. Or we erupt in a rage, surprised at the strength of our feelings. Or we find ourselves turning to old ways of numbing, be it food, chemicals, a new lover, computers, work or any other way which keeps us out of touch with what is really going on in our hearts and guts. The masks of fear become so transparent that we can also quickly slip into blame. I did say I would do ANYTHING to make this work but that certainly didn't mean hanging out in fear, insecurity, sadness, anger or despair. That wasn't part of the deal at all. My life is about bliss, love, expansive consciousness and pure light pouring out of my heart. YOU must be bringing this energy into my life!
And when our masks of fear appear when we are in relationship, our partner is often angry or confused. Don't you love me anymore? What about our dreams? What about last week? Why can't I reach you anymore? And then out of self-protection, THEIR masks of fear will emerge, creating a distant relationship where true connection is impossible.
These are the moments that make or break a relationship. If we are unable or unwilling to take off our masks and tell ourselves and our partners what is really going on, our relationship will stagnate or end. We can blame it all on our partners' shortcoming and perhaps even feel sorry for them and all of their problems. We can smugly walk away and remind ourselves that there really aren't many people as together as we are, and perhaps loneliness is the price we must pay for being so exceptional.
If, however, we choose love instead of fear, responsibility over victimhood, and humility and truth over ego and distortion, a wonderful opportunity for healing ourselves as well as our relationship can occur. When we truly feel safe enough to allow our most vulnerable feelings to be shared, miracles can happen. Walls can come tumbling down and years of pain can be released.
What masks of fear are you wearing today, that are keeping you more distant and less connected to those in your life? Are you choosing fear or love with yourself and with your partner? By creating and attracting into your life enough resources to help you feel safe, you can start to take those masks off. Learn to ask for what you need, and how you need it. Trust your own intuition and connection to your Higher Power to decide if a person or situation or group is capable of providing the safety you need.
In consciously choosing love over our personal masks of fear, we truly honor the deepest meaning of our intimate connections and fulfill their highest potential. By willingly traversing the murky, shadowy aspects of our personal unfinished business, we invite our partner to do the same and ultimately allow a greater vision of love, intimacy and harmony to manifest in our lives and in the world.
Essential Qualities of Healthy Relationships
Let's examine some of the universal qualities that are essential for any of these relationships to flourish and remain healthy and alive. The first essential quality is commitment. When we make a commitment to a relationship, we have some degree of unconditional regard for the relationship. The relationship is reciprocal and we are present in the relationship when it is easy and meets our needs, as well as when it is a difficult struggle and we feel like we are doing all the giving. To make such a commitment, we must be capable of selfless service beyond the needs of our ego and the relationship must have a deeper vision or meaning which transcends those unpleasant times.
The second essential quality is conscious attention. All healthy relationships require consistent, ongoing, conscious attention to survive and thrive. It is a simple fact that whenever we put our attention on something, we are choosing to create more of it. Similarly, whatever we ignore, we are choosing to let go of and allow to fade out of our lives. Where we choose to put our attention and how long we do so is one of the most important decisions we have to make in our lives. We live in a world with more distractions to steal our attention than humanity has ever experienced before. As Thom Hartmann says in his brilliant book, The Last Hour of Ancient Sunlight, television is the most pervasive and powerful drug available today. When it is on, conscious attention to our relationships is all but impossible. Yet couples and families frequently have many meals and conversations while the TV is on. TV encourages passivity and mindless inattention. One aspect of conscious attention is the ability to listen without judgment. A foundational skill to all healthy relationships is the ability to really be present to understand what is going on for the other: listening with our ears, feeling with our hearts, seeing with our eyes and sensing with our intuition. What does this other person really need? What do I need right now to feel in harmony? If you have an active spiritual perspective, you can also ask, What is my concept of a Higher Power saying as it flows through me every day of my life?
The third essential quality is respect. We can consciously attend to other people, but if we do so from an attitude of manipulation and control, the outcome will be a one-sided unhealthy relationship. An attitude of respect, on the other hand, nourishes the heart of both participants and assures that each person's needs are attended to. Related to respect is gratitude. When we commit to a relationship, give it conscious attention, and feel respect for the person or entity we are in relationship with, we naturally are grateful for their presence in our lives. We honor the gifts they bring us and communicate our gratitude on a regular basis, in whatever form feels right.
Another essential quality to a healthy relationship is trust. We must be able to trust when things appear to be going nowhere in our lives. We must have faith that there is something going on that we cannot comprehend or see. Similarly, when we are quiet and mindful and listen to our self, we must trust the impulses from that small, still voice within when it suddenly urges us to go off in a new direction.
The sixth essential quality is bonding. In any alive relationship, there must be a mechanism for an ongoing connection, for a reciprocal exchange of energy, which is bonding. Bonding is a basic human need. We are most bonded with other people when we are touching and also maintaining eye contact. Yet how rarely we communicate with others in this manner! And notice how we can also bond with the Earth in this manner, how it feels different to walk barefoot along a lake or ocean than to hurriedly stride in thick shoes atop concrete and asphalt barriers. And how do you bond with your self? What rituals have you developed in your lifetime? What do you do to feel an alive exchange of energy?
An interesting exercise is to examine your relationships and see how many of these qualities are a regular part of each of those relationships. For example, are you committed to your self, to bringing out the full range of your gifts to the world? To your own happiness and fulfillment? Are you able to commit to an intimate partner? Or do you have a commitment to a genuine spiritual path?
Reflect on how much conscious attention you give to your self and others. See if you are relating to them with respect and gratitude. Notice if you have a basic sense of trust with your self and others. And be aware of how much genuine bonding you do with the important people in your life and with your own self. Consciously reflecting on these questions can open the door to richer, deeper, healthier and more alive relationships on all levels of your life.
If you or your partner are having difficulty manifesting these qualities in your relationship, call us at (248) 546-0407 and find out how we can help you create a healthy, loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
The second essential quality is conscious attention. All healthy relationships require consistent, ongoing, conscious attention to survive and thrive. It is a simple fact that whenever we put our attention on something, we are choosing to create more of it. Similarly, whatever we ignore, we are choosing to let go of and allow to fade out of our lives. Where we choose to put our attention and how long we do so is one of the most important decisions we have to make in our lives. We live in a world with more distractions to steal our attention than humanity has ever experienced before. As Thom Hartmann says in his brilliant book, The Last Hour of Ancient Sunlight, television is the most pervasive and powerful drug available today. When it is on, conscious attention to our relationships is all but impossible. Yet couples and families frequently have many meals and conversations while the TV is on. TV encourages passivity and mindless inattention. One aspect of conscious attention is the ability to listen without judgment. A foundational skill to all healthy relationships is the ability to really be present to understand what is going on for the other: listening with our ears, feeling with our hearts, seeing with our eyes and sensing with our intuition. What does this other person really need? What do I need right now to feel in harmony? If you have an active spiritual perspective, you can also ask, What is my concept of a Higher Power saying as it flows through me every day of my life?
The third essential quality is respect. We can consciously attend to other people, but if we do so from an attitude of manipulation and control, the outcome will be a one-sided unhealthy relationship. An attitude of respect, on the other hand, nourishes the heart of both participants and assures that each person's needs are attended to. Related to respect is gratitude. When we commit to a relationship, give it conscious attention, and feel respect for the person or entity we are in relationship with, we naturally are grateful for their presence in our lives. We honor the gifts they bring us and communicate our gratitude on a regular basis, in whatever form feels right.
Another essential quality to a healthy relationship is trust. We must be able to trust when things appear to be going nowhere in our lives. We must have faith that there is something going on that we cannot comprehend or see. Similarly, when we are quiet and mindful and listen to our self, we must trust the impulses from that small, still voice within when it suddenly urges us to go off in a new direction.
The sixth essential quality is bonding. In any alive relationship, there must be a mechanism for an ongoing connection, for a reciprocal exchange of energy, which is bonding. Bonding is a basic human need. We are most bonded with other people when we are touching and also maintaining eye contact. Yet how rarely we communicate with others in this manner! And notice how we can also bond with the Earth in this manner, how it feels different to walk barefoot along a lake or ocean than to hurriedly stride in thick shoes atop concrete and asphalt barriers. And how do you bond with your self? What rituals have you developed in your lifetime? What do you do to feel an alive exchange of energy?
An interesting exercise is to examine your relationships and see how many of these qualities are a regular part of each of those relationships. For example, are you committed to your self, to bringing out the full range of your gifts to the world? To your own happiness and fulfillment? Are you able to commit to an intimate partner? Or do you have a commitment to a genuine spiritual path?
Reflect on how much conscious attention you give to your self and others. See if you are relating to them with respect and gratitude. Notice if you have a basic sense of trust with your self and others. And be aware of how much genuine bonding you do with the important people in your life and with your own self. Consciously reflecting on these questions can open the door to richer, deeper, healthier and more alive relationships on all levels of your life.
If you or your partner are having difficulty manifesting these qualities in your relationship, call us at (248) 546-0407 and find out how we can help you create a healthy, loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
Emotional Affairs
The topic of infidelity is a frequent topic with couples experiencing problems. When most people hear the terms 'infidelity' or 'affair', they almost always think of a passionate, romantic, physical relationship. Certainly many people engage in physical affairs borne out of immaturity, acting out of hostility and even sexual addiction.
What is less understood however, and at times can be even more threatening to a long-term relationship than a physical affair, is an emotional affair. An emotional affair occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support in life. It often develops slowly, even innocently, as a friendship with a co-worker or friend. There may or may not be a romantic/sexual attraction initially accompanying this budding friendship. But when the primary relationship is experiencing ongoing hostility, conflict and/or distance, and one member of the relationship pulls away from their partner and consistently turns to their 'friend' for companionship, support and sharing of deep personal material, an emotional affair has begun.
Note: The Relationship Institute runs a weekly support group for people anywhere in the US
dealing with an emotional affair. For more information go to Emotional Affair Support Group.
For many people, the emotional affair is a great source of relief and comfort during relationship difficulties. But the danger is that there is a finite amount of intimate emotional energy to go around, and when one begins to regularly invest significant amounts of their emotional energy in someone outside the primary committed relationship, the primary relationship can be seriously compromised.
Frequently, an emotional affair will deepen through consistent contact through in-person discussion and/or numerous email and voice mail messages. There becomes an excitement and ease in hearing from the person. And when this type of relationship does lead to physical intimacy, it's often a little sex and a lot of talking. The sex may be intense and passionate, but it is the feeling of emotional safety and companionship that really fuels the bond at the deepest level.
This companionship can doom the primary relationship. Once the door of emotional intimacy has been opened and the bond deepens, the person having the emotional affair cannot help but compare. "It's so easy to talk to her, and so hard to talk to my spouse" is the common refrain. "My husband always complains and criticizes, but my friend is always there, always in a good mood, and always understands and listens to me." It is much easier to open up and feel safe in a superficial new friendship compared to a long-term committed relationship.
How do you know if you are developing an emotional affair? Ask yourself these questions:
*
do I feel like it's easier to talk to my friend than my partner?
*
does my friend seem to understand me in a deeper way than my partner?
*
have I stopped confiding my deepest feelings and concerns with my partner and now turn to my friend for these needs?
If you find yourself or your partner developing an emotional affair, you need to put your attention on your primary relationship as soon as possible. Get help to understand why you drifted to this other person in the first place. Begin the work of re-investing emotional energy in your primary relationship. Turning to someone else during a time of conflict or distance often is merely escaping and avoiding other issues which won't go away. And don't kid yourself: these same issues will resurface again should you develop a real relationship with your emotional affair partner. You may as well learn to deal with them now, before putting yourself and your partner through a terrible crisis.
ONLINE AFFAIRS - Emotional and Physical
Some emotional affairs occur online, with someone you've never actually met in person. Here are seven signs that your significant other may be having a cyberaffair:
*
Change in sleep patterns
*
Demand for privacy
*
Household chores ignored
*
Evidence of lying
*
Personality changes
*
Loss of interest in sex
*
Declining relationship investment
Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so the cheating partner tends to stay up later and later to be part of the action. Often, the partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours, may leap out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolt to the computer for a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner may explain things.
The computer may be moved from the visible den to a secluded corner of a locked study, the spouse may change the password, or cloak his or her online activities in secrecy. If disturbed or interrupted when online, the cheating spouse may react with anger or defensiveness.
In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. So when a spouse begins to invest more time and energy online and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself -- because another relationship has come between your marriage.
The cheating spouse may hide credit-card bills for online services, telephone bills to calls made to a cyberlover, and lie about the reason for such extensive net use. They also may tell you they will quit.
A once warm and sensitive wife becomes cold and withdrawn. A formerly jovial husband turns quiet and serious. If questioned about these changes in connection with their Internet habit, the spouse engaging in a cyberaffair responds with heated denials, blaming and rationalization. Often times, the blame is shifted to the spouse.
Some cyberaffairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex can include mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. When a spouse suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet.
Those engaged in a cyberaffair no longer want to participate in the marital relationship - even when their busy Internet schedule allows. They shun those familiar rituals like a shared bath, talking over the dishes after dinner or renting a video on Saturday night. They don't get as excited about taking vacations together and they avoid talk about long-range plans in the family or relationship.
The Relationship Institute runs a weekly support group for people anywhere in the US dealing with an emotional affair. For more information go to Emotional Affair Support Group.
For more information or help dealing with an emotional affair, please call our office at (248) 546-0407 or send an email to:
info@relationship-institute.com
What is less understood however, and at times can be even more threatening to a long-term relationship than a physical affair, is an emotional affair. An emotional affair occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support in life. It often develops slowly, even innocently, as a friendship with a co-worker or friend. There may or may not be a romantic/sexual attraction initially accompanying this budding friendship. But when the primary relationship is experiencing ongoing hostility, conflict and/or distance, and one member of the relationship pulls away from their partner and consistently turns to their 'friend' for companionship, support and sharing of deep personal material, an emotional affair has begun.
Note: The Relationship Institute runs a weekly support group for people anywhere in the US
dealing with an emotional affair. For more information go to Emotional Affair Support Group.
For many people, the emotional affair is a great source of relief and comfort during relationship difficulties. But the danger is that there is a finite amount of intimate emotional energy to go around, and when one begins to regularly invest significant amounts of their emotional energy in someone outside the primary committed relationship, the primary relationship can be seriously compromised.
Frequently, an emotional affair will deepen through consistent contact through in-person discussion and/or numerous email and voice mail messages. There becomes an excitement and ease in hearing from the person. And when this type of relationship does lead to physical intimacy, it's often a little sex and a lot of talking. The sex may be intense and passionate, but it is the feeling of emotional safety and companionship that really fuels the bond at the deepest level.
This companionship can doom the primary relationship. Once the door of emotional intimacy has been opened and the bond deepens, the person having the emotional affair cannot help but compare. "It's so easy to talk to her, and so hard to talk to my spouse" is the common refrain. "My husband always complains and criticizes, but my friend is always there, always in a good mood, and always understands and listens to me." It is much easier to open up and feel safe in a superficial new friendship compared to a long-term committed relationship.
How do you know if you are developing an emotional affair? Ask yourself these questions:
*
do I feel like it's easier to talk to my friend than my partner?
*
does my friend seem to understand me in a deeper way than my partner?
*
have I stopped confiding my deepest feelings and concerns with my partner and now turn to my friend for these needs?
If you find yourself or your partner developing an emotional affair, you need to put your attention on your primary relationship as soon as possible. Get help to understand why you drifted to this other person in the first place. Begin the work of re-investing emotional energy in your primary relationship. Turning to someone else during a time of conflict or distance often is merely escaping and avoiding other issues which won't go away. And don't kid yourself: these same issues will resurface again should you develop a real relationship with your emotional affair partner. You may as well learn to deal with them now, before putting yourself and your partner through a terrible crisis.
ONLINE AFFAIRS - Emotional and Physical
Some emotional affairs occur online, with someone you've never actually met in person. Here are seven signs that your significant other may be having a cyberaffair:
*
Change in sleep patterns
*
Demand for privacy
*
Household chores ignored
*
Evidence of lying
*
Personality changes
*
Loss of interest in sex
*
Declining relationship investment
Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so the cheating partner tends to stay up later and later to be part of the action. Often, the partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours, may leap out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolt to the computer for a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner may explain things.
The computer may be moved from the visible den to a secluded corner of a locked study, the spouse may change the password, or cloak his or her online activities in secrecy. If disturbed or interrupted when online, the cheating spouse may react with anger or defensiveness.
In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. So when a spouse begins to invest more time and energy online and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself -- because another relationship has come between your marriage.
The cheating spouse may hide credit-card bills for online services, telephone bills to calls made to a cyberlover, and lie about the reason for such extensive net use. They also may tell you they will quit.
A once warm and sensitive wife becomes cold and withdrawn. A formerly jovial husband turns quiet and serious. If questioned about these changes in connection with their Internet habit, the spouse engaging in a cyberaffair responds with heated denials, blaming and rationalization. Often times, the blame is shifted to the spouse.
Some cyberaffairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex can include mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. When a spouse suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet.
Those engaged in a cyberaffair no longer want to participate in the marital relationship - even when their busy Internet schedule allows. They shun those familiar rituals like a shared bath, talking over the dishes after dinner or renting a video on Saturday night. They don't get as excited about taking vacations together and they avoid talk about long-range plans in the family or relationship.
The Relationship Institute runs a weekly support group for people anywhere in the US dealing with an emotional affair. For more information go to Emotional Affair Support Group.
For more information or help dealing with an emotional affair, please call our office at (248) 546-0407 or send an email to:
info@relationship-institute.com
Marriage Counseling
You’ve probably landed on this page because your relationship with your husband or wife is in trouble, and you’re considering marriage counseling. If this describes what’s going on in your life right now, stay with me for just a few minutes because I believe I can help you.
You’re probably wondering how a total stranger could possibly help you heal your broken relationship -- right? That’s a good question and, fortunately, one that I can answer. Sometimes it takes a helper who’s removed from the heat of battle – someone who’s standing outside the fray – to stir a little objective thinking.
I’d like to share some of the major benefits of marriage counseling. You can use these benefits to promote healing in your own relationship. Or, maybe you can share them with a friend who’s considering marriage counseling.
What are the benefits of marriage counseling?
Let’s look at the first one: Marriage counseling -- a great opportunity.
Marriage counseling provides an opportunity for a couple to demonstrate their willingness to heal their relationship.
Sometimes it takes making an appointment with a marriage counselor for both parties to understand the seriousness of their situation. Often one person is more strongly motivated to seek assistance than the other. And sometimes, only one individual will actually keep the appointment. Whether marriage counseling starts with one or two, the important thing is to get started. While it’s certainly more effective to have both the husband and wife present for marriage counseling, it’s possible for a helper to accomplish a great deal with only one.
Here’s the second benefit: Marriage counseling -- increased understanding
Marriage counseling helps a couple to understand the nature of their problems, often from more than one perspective.
Often, when people are hurting in a relationship, they are so intensely focused on their own pain that they might forget what another may be going through as well. In marriage counseling, couples are encouraged to look at their problems from each other’s perspective. This often brings a better understanding of and appreciation for the feelings of the other person in the relationship.
Also, depending on which counseling approach is used, much marriage counseling time may be spent talking about each partner’s family of origin and how family members have related to each other. This technique can help counselees see possible connections between past and present behavioral trends.
The third benefit is the most important of all: Marriage counseling -- caring and sharing
Marriage counseling helps a couple exchange ineffective communication strategies for more meaning ways of sharing with each other.
Marriage counseling often helps couples to understand how ineffective communication styles have damaged their relationship. When husbands and wives learn more meaningful ways of sharing with each other, their relationships often show marked improvement. It’s often amazing how relationships can be improved when couples learn a few, easily implemented communication techniques.
Marriage Counseling ~ some final words of hope for hurting relationships …
As a minister and pastoral counselor for more than 20 years, I’d like to share with you one very important discovery I’ve made while counseling with hundreds of couples. It’s so important that I’m going to put it in bold letters too -- so you won’t miss it.
Couples who approach marriage counseling with a strong desire to improve their communication often bring about healing in their relationship.
There is no magical quick-fix. Marriage counseling requires motivation, hard work, and a willingness to allow the miracle of forgiveness to heal broken hearts.
I wish you all the best in your endeavor to bring wholeness to your marriage!
~John
About the Author: Dr. John W. Luton
Before joining the mass communication faculty at Elizabeth City State University in North Carolina, Dr. Luton served as pastor of churches in Maryland and North Carolina for more than 20 years. He is a licensed clinical pastoral counselor with the National Christian Counselors Association and he holds the advanced certification.
Dr. Luton is also the primary author of Mastering Pastoral Counseling Utilizing Temperament, a Phase II course that is offered by the NCCA as part of its national licensure program for pastoral counselors. The course is used in many seminaries and counselor training centers throughout the nation.
Friday 24 April 2009
Dating More than One Person
One question we often hear from singles is about dating one person versus dating more than one person at a time. It is a good question and gets right to the heart of healthy dating practices.
For many single adults, there has been a history of dating one person, seeing if it will lead to a close significant relationship, and taking the relationship as far as possible. After it ends, the cycle then repeats: find and date just one new person. While there is certainly nothing wrong with trying to create a close relationship with one person, in our view this approach falls short in several respects.
First of all, the purpose of dating is to have fun; explore how emotionally and physically safe it is to be with your dating partner; learn as much as you can about this person; and ultimately discover if you are compatible for a long-term relationship (if that is what you desire). In keeping with the purpose of dating, we advocate a conservative, defensive posture since it is our experience that there are many more people that don't know how to date in a healthy manner than those that do. It is dangerous and risky to place yourself in a vulnerable situation until you really know who you are with.
Secondly, if you are coming out of a lonely period, it is more difficult to be objective about your new dating partner. It is difficult enough to keep your wits about you if you experience some degree of falling in love or infatuation with this person. When that is coupled with not having been with someone for a while, it is an extremely potent combination that can quickly escalate into a full-blown intense relationship, often before you really know who you are dating.
We often talk in our workshops about the importance of de-intensifying the beginning of a relationship, if you want to date in a healthy manner. Going for the maximum adrenaline rush might help you temporarily feel very alive, but is often a set-up to get badly hurt, since you just won't see the red flags that are staring you in the face.
The two best ways to de-intensify a new relationship are not seeing the person (or even having phone or voice mail or email contact) every day, and dating other people. When you date only one person, you have nothing to compare that person with. You will tend to project all of your romantic fantasies (and other unfinished business) onto this person that you barely know. By dating other people at the same time, you give yourself a built-in reality check to insure that you see things a bit more clearly.
"Fine", people say, "but how do you tell someone that you're dating other people?" That's easy: be honest. Remember, you want to learn as much as possible about this person. Their reaction to your telling them you're dating others will reveal some valuable things about their personality and maturity.
There are three rules of thumb for dating more than one person:
*
tell people honestly if you're dating more than one person, and why;
*
if you initiate a physical relationship with someone, let the other people you're dating know about that;
*
if you become very romantically close to one person, decide if it's time to date exclusively.
Dating more than one person is a great way to de-intensify the beginning of a relationship, to learn more about each person you are dating, and to truly assess the health of each dating experience by having a clear basis for comparison. Remember, it's your heart which is ultimately at stake. Choose wisely!
For many single adults, there has been a history of dating one person, seeing if it will lead to a close significant relationship, and taking the relationship as far as possible. After it ends, the cycle then repeats: find and date just one new person. While there is certainly nothing wrong with trying to create a close relationship with one person, in our view this approach falls short in several respects.
First of all, the purpose of dating is to have fun; explore how emotionally and physically safe it is to be with your dating partner; learn as much as you can about this person; and ultimately discover if you are compatible for a long-term relationship (if that is what you desire). In keeping with the purpose of dating, we advocate a conservative, defensive posture since it is our experience that there are many more people that don't know how to date in a healthy manner than those that do. It is dangerous and risky to place yourself in a vulnerable situation until you really know who you are with.
Secondly, if you are coming out of a lonely period, it is more difficult to be objective about your new dating partner. It is difficult enough to keep your wits about you if you experience some degree of falling in love or infatuation with this person. When that is coupled with not having been with someone for a while, it is an extremely potent combination that can quickly escalate into a full-blown intense relationship, often before you really know who you are dating.
We often talk in our workshops about the importance of de-intensifying the beginning of a relationship, if you want to date in a healthy manner. Going for the maximum adrenaline rush might help you temporarily feel very alive, but is often a set-up to get badly hurt, since you just won't see the red flags that are staring you in the face.
The two best ways to de-intensify a new relationship are not seeing the person (or even having phone or voice mail or email contact) every day, and dating other people. When you date only one person, you have nothing to compare that person with. You will tend to project all of your romantic fantasies (and other unfinished business) onto this person that you barely know. By dating other people at the same time, you give yourself a built-in reality check to insure that you see things a bit more clearly.
"Fine", people say, "but how do you tell someone that you're dating other people?" That's easy: be honest. Remember, you want to learn as much as possible about this person. Their reaction to your telling them you're dating others will reveal some valuable things about their personality and maturity.
There are three rules of thumb for dating more than one person:
*
tell people honestly if you're dating more than one person, and why;
*
if you initiate a physical relationship with someone, let the other people you're dating know about that;
*
if you become very romantically close to one person, decide if it's time to date exclusively.
Dating more than one person is a great way to de-intensify the beginning of a relationship, to learn more about each person you are dating, and to truly assess the health of each dating experience by having a clear basis for comparison. Remember, it's your heart which is ultimately at stake. Choose wisely!
Resolving Conflict, Creating Solutions
Many people view conflicts in a relationship as a bad sign, as if couples should not have disagreements. At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, our view is that conflicts are inevitable in intimate relationships, and moreover they can be seen as excellent opportunities for both personal and relational growth. From this perspective, conflict is not something to be avoided or minimized but rather to be embraced as a signal that something needs to change or grow in either or both people.
However, couples often have areas of conflict that cause repetitive arguments that are very difficult to resolve. If you are experiencing such conflict, you might want to try to use the following method to resolve it. If you are unable to successfully resolve the problem using these tools, though, it probably means that the issue is a deeper one which requires professional help such as Couples Therapy to resolve.
To resolve an ongoing conflict:
1. Identify the area of conflict as specifically as possible. You cannot solve a conflict which is vaguely defined.
EXAMPLES OF POORLY DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"You're a slob"
"The house is a mess"
"You always run up the credit cards"
EXAMPLES OF WELL-DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"I feel we're not working as a team on the house cleaning"
"I feel anxious because we haven't yet paid off our debts and started saving for retirement"
2. Using the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise, take turns and each of you state your feelings and thoughts on the issue.
-Take as long as it takes for you to state your position and feel that your partner has really heard you
-Just doing this Communication Exercise sometimes resolves a conflict, though not always
-Do not go on to the next step until BOTH OF YOU feel heard by the other one
3. Brainstorm at least five possible solutions, preferably more.
-Be creative!
-Don't worry about being practical; focus on generating as many solutions as possible
-Write down all the solutions
4. Go through the Solution List together and pick one that you BOTH agree to try.
-There may be one obvious solution that you both agree on
-You both may have to compromise somewhat to agree on one solution to try
-Remember that no solution is carved in stone! This is an experiment for a limited period of time that will be evaluated and changed if it does not meet both partners' needs.
5. State the Experimental Solution as specifically as possible. Write it down if you like.
EXAMPLE OF POORLY DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
"We'll put on music and clean the house when it gets dirty"
EXAMPLE OF WELL-DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
"Every Thursday night at 8:00 pm we'll both clean the house for two hours. I will vacuum the living room and clean the bathroom; you will dump the garbage and clean the kitchen floor. We'll take turns choosing music every other week to help make it more fun."
6. Agree on a specific date and time (usually within 2-4 weeks) to review how the Experimental Solution is going.
-Make sure nothing will interfere with the Solution Review
-Use the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise to review how it's going for each of you
-Decide if you want to continue implementing the Solution
-If you don't like the Solution, modify or enhance it if possible. If that's not possible, start over at the beginning of this exercise.
However, couples often have areas of conflict that cause repetitive arguments that are very difficult to resolve. If you are experiencing such conflict, you might want to try to use the following method to resolve it. If you are unable to successfully resolve the problem using these tools, though, it probably means that the issue is a deeper one which requires professional help such as Couples Therapy to resolve.
To resolve an ongoing conflict:
1. Identify the area of conflict as specifically as possible. You cannot solve a conflict which is vaguely defined.
EXAMPLES OF POORLY DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"You're a slob"
"The house is a mess"
"You always run up the credit cards"
EXAMPLES OF WELL-DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"I feel we're not working as a team on the house cleaning"
"I feel anxious because we haven't yet paid off our debts and started saving for retirement"
2. Using the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise, take turns and each of you state your feelings and thoughts on the issue.
-Take as long as it takes for you to state your position and feel that your partner has really heard you
-Just doing this Communication Exercise sometimes resolves a conflict, though not always
-Do not go on to the next step until BOTH OF YOU feel heard by the other one
3. Brainstorm at least five possible solutions, preferably more.
-Be creative!
-Don't worry about being practical; focus on generating as many solutions as possible
-Write down all the solutions
4. Go through the Solution List together and pick one that you BOTH agree to try.
-There may be one obvious solution that you both agree on
-You both may have to compromise somewhat to agree on one solution to try
-Remember that no solution is carved in stone! This is an experiment for a limited period of time that will be evaluated and changed if it does not meet both partners' needs.
5. State the Experimental Solution as specifically as possible. Write it down if you like.
EXAMPLE OF POORLY DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
"We'll put on music and clean the house when it gets dirty"
EXAMPLE OF WELL-DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
"Every Thursday night at 8:00 pm we'll both clean the house for two hours. I will vacuum the living room and clean the bathroom; you will dump the garbage and clean the kitchen floor. We'll take turns choosing music every other week to help make it more fun."
6. Agree on a specific date and time (usually within 2-4 weeks) to review how the Experimental Solution is going.
-Make sure nothing will interfere with the Solution Review
-Use the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise to review how it's going for each of you
-Decide if you want to continue implementing the Solution
-If you don't like the Solution, modify or enhance it if possible. If that's not possible, start over at the beginning of this exercise.
Seeing Your Partner as Your Teacher
In our work with couples, one of the most universal frustrations we hear about relates to one central theme: why can’t my partner see it MY way? It usually goes something like this: I know MY way of seeing things is right, true, and correct, yet I can’t seem to get him or her to understand this! How can they be so ___________ ! (insert your favorite negative judgement of your partner here).
What is the deepest meaning of this frustration? And how can we use our awareness and wisdom to break through this judgement into deeper levels of intimacy and love?
When we fall in love, our spirits soar, and we are capable of extraordinary vision, unselfishness and sensitivity. Our normal defenses melt away and our hearts open wide. But at some point we enter another stage where our egos manage to assert themselves in the relationship. And when that happens, our concerns shift: what’s in it for me? Am I getting MY needs met? Are you really as wonderful as I thought? Are we really NOT compatible? Are we NOT as alike as I thought we were? Distance replaces the blissful union of infatuation, and instead of a host of harmonious blendings of values and ideas, differences may appear glaring. The consequence of the ego taking over is that our pure loving hearts shut down. The ego typically is afraid to surrender control, for that would mean changing. So the ego fiercely defends its turf: I am right, you are wrong. I see the truth, you are obviously deluded. We don’t do this to create problems. On the contrary, there is a profound disappointment that accompanies the loss of closeness, and at the deepest level we desire to return to that state of oneness. If we can’t spontaneously experirence that union, the next best thing is to try to change our partner and make them more like us.
But once the egos take center stage, a power struggle often begins, with each person defending their point of view instead of listening to the other with empathy and genuine concern. What can a couple do who recognizes they are in this combative energy? How can they regain their openness to love? One very important shift in attitude is to see your partner not as your adversary, but as your teacher. Remember that your partner is really the most accurate, honest mirror you have: you can rationalize to yourself, you can hide your truth from your friends, your colleagues, and even your therapist, but you cannot hide the truth of who you are from the person who lives with you every day. Whether you act heroically or like a two year old, your partner is there to witness it all. They, better than anyone else, knows your demons and angels.
So the next time your ego kicks in, ask yourself these simple questions: what lessons are here for me to learn? How can I shift into learning, receptive mode and see my partner as my beloved teacher? It all boils to this: do you want to be right, or do you want to get along? Do you want distance, or do you want intimacy? Do you want a shared companionship, or a battle for power and control? If you chose love, it can be helpful remember that while your perceptions may be DIFFERENT than your partners, they are rarely better or worse. No one in an intimate relationship has a corner on absolute truth. Everyone filters the universe through their own unique experiences, desires, and tribal backgrounds. Viva la difference! This is what creates our unique dance and enriches our relationships. In reality, you don’t want your partner to be clone of you. You need to understand your partner’s different perception of things, because for the most important issues in relationships, perception IS reality.
So adopt an attitude of curiosity and wonder as you seek to understand before being understood. Put your ego’s concerns aside, and take time to truly listen, without judgement or expectation. What IS it like for this person to be in relationship or live with me? What would it be like to see the world as they do? What does it mean that they are absolutely convinced that the way they view things is so obviously self-evident that nothing else could possible be real? Open your heart again to seeing them freshly, as if for the first time, with a humble demeanor. In doing so, you invite your partner to do the same, and you shift the energy between you from combative to collaborative. As your ego recedes, your heart opens again and you truly be present for each other as the beloved who is sharing a journey of awakening.
We can never truly put ourselves in our partner’s skin and see the world as they do. But what we can do is listen to their truth - the only truth they can possibly have – and in the process learn amazing things about ourselves: what we project, what we distort, what we need to learn to become a more loving partner. It’s not a problem if you disagree or see things differently, as long as you can honor each other’s truth. If you can listen in this way and honor each other’s truth, solutions to problems will often spontaneously emerge out of the common ground of understanding that you have created. And while you may have a special teacher that guides your spiritual life, your partner is often the best, most honest teacher of daily living and intimacy that many of us will ever have.
What is the deepest meaning of this frustration? And how can we use our awareness and wisdom to break through this judgement into deeper levels of intimacy and love?
When we fall in love, our spirits soar, and we are capable of extraordinary vision, unselfishness and sensitivity. Our normal defenses melt away and our hearts open wide. But at some point we enter another stage where our egos manage to assert themselves in the relationship. And when that happens, our concerns shift: what’s in it for me? Am I getting MY needs met? Are you really as wonderful as I thought? Are we really NOT compatible? Are we NOT as alike as I thought we were? Distance replaces the blissful union of infatuation, and instead of a host of harmonious blendings of values and ideas, differences may appear glaring. The consequence of the ego taking over is that our pure loving hearts shut down. The ego typically is afraid to surrender control, for that would mean changing. So the ego fiercely defends its turf: I am right, you are wrong. I see the truth, you are obviously deluded. We don’t do this to create problems. On the contrary, there is a profound disappointment that accompanies the loss of closeness, and at the deepest level we desire to return to that state of oneness. If we can’t spontaneously experirence that union, the next best thing is to try to change our partner and make them more like us.
But once the egos take center stage, a power struggle often begins, with each person defending their point of view instead of listening to the other with empathy and genuine concern. What can a couple do who recognizes they are in this combative energy? How can they regain their openness to love? One very important shift in attitude is to see your partner not as your adversary, but as your teacher. Remember that your partner is really the most accurate, honest mirror you have: you can rationalize to yourself, you can hide your truth from your friends, your colleagues, and even your therapist, but you cannot hide the truth of who you are from the person who lives with you every day. Whether you act heroically or like a two year old, your partner is there to witness it all. They, better than anyone else, knows your demons and angels.
So the next time your ego kicks in, ask yourself these simple questions: what lessons are here for me to learn? How can I shift into learning, receptive mode and see my partner as my beloved teacher? It all boils to this: do you want to be right, or do you want to get along? Do you want distance, or do you want intimacy? Do you want a shared companionship, or a battle for power and control? If you chose love, it can be helpful remember that while your perceptions may be DIFFERENT than your partners, they are rarely better or worse. No one in an intimate relationship has a corner on absolute truth. Everyone filters the universe through their own unique experiences, desires, and tribal backgrounds. Viva la difference! This is what creates our unique dance and enriches our relationships. In reality, you don’t want your partner to be clone of you. You need to understand your partner’s different perception of things, because for the most important issues in relationships, perception IS reality.
So adopt an attitude of curiosity and wonder as you seek to understand before being understood. Put your ego’s concerns aside, and take time to truly listen, without judgement or expectation. What IS it like for this person to be in relationship or live with me? What would it be like to see the world as they do? What does it mean that they are absolutely convinced that the way they view things is so obviously self-evident that nothing else could possible be real? Open your heart again to seeing them freshly, as if for the first time, with a humble demeanor. In doing so, you invite your partner to do the same, and you shift the energy between you from combative to collaborative. As your ego recedes, your heart opens again and you truly be present for each other as the beloved who is sharing a journey of awakening.
We can never truly put ourselves in our partner’s skin and see the world as they do. But what we can do is listen to their truth - the only truth they can possibly have – and in the process learn amazing things about ourselves: what we project, what we distort, what we need to learn to become a more loving partner. It’s not a problem if you disagree or see things differently, as long as you can honor each other’s truth. If you can listen in this way and honor each other’s truth, solutions to problems will often spontaneously emerge out of the common ground of understanding that you have created. And while you may have a special teacher that guides your spiritual life, your partner is often the best, most honest teacher of daily living and intimacy that many of us will ever have.
The Benefits of Marriage
If we told you we knew about something that would extend your life span by up to eight years, improve your immune system, reduce the incidence of physical, mental and substance abuse disorders, help you recover from illness and surgery more quickly, result in more satisfying and more frequent sexual relations, and increase your financial net worth, would you be interested in finding out how to get this thing for yourself? How much would you pay for it if it was in a pill? How hard would you work to get it? Just what is this amazing thing? A new miracle vitamin or nutritional supplement? A new tape program advertised in hour-long infomercials on late-night TV?
The good news is that we all are very familiar with this magical something that adds all these benefits to our lives. It's called marriage. That's right, marriage. A book, The Case for Marriage, by sociologist Dr. Linda Waite, a top family scholar at the University of Chicago, and Maggie Gallagher, Director of the Marriage Program at the Institute for American Values, discusses the enormous multi-dimensional benefits of being married.
Among the findings from the research that led to this book:
*
married people live up to eight years' longer than divorced or never-married people. In fact, over 90% of married people live to be at least 65 years old, while only 60% of divorced and never married people live to this moderate age;
*
Waite also found that the incidence of all forms of mental and physical illness were reduced in married people as compared with unmarried or divorced people;
*
percentages of people engaging in unhealthy levels of alcohol or drug consumption were also significantly lower among married people;
*
married people even have sex twice as often as single people, and report deeper levels of satisfaction with their sexual relations. Unmarried couples who live together also have active sex lives but, like unmarried people, get less emotional satisfaction from it than married people.
*
married people have more than twice as much total net assets, on average, as unmarried people. Married couples not only save more while enjoying some economies of scale, but married men also earn up to 26 percent more than single men.
*
moderate domestic violence (defined as hitting, shoving or throwing things at a partner) occurred half as often with married couples and cohabiting couples engaged to marry, as compared to cohabiting couples not planning to marry.
At our workshops, we often hear people say that attracting a healthy partner or working on their current relationship is 'too hard' and requires 'too much work'. Yet in light of these powerful findings, it is obvious that a good marriage can enhance and expand the quality of your entire life more than almost anything else. Why not do everything you can to make yours as strong and healthy as possible? You've got nothing to lose by trying. By not trying, you may be choosing to lose your life, your health, your money and some great sex.
The good news is that we all are very familiar with this magical something that adds all these benefits to our lives. It's called marriage. That's right, marriage. A book, The Case for Marriage, by sociologist Dr. Linda Waite, a top family scholar at the University of Chicago, and Maggie Gallagher, Director of the Marriage Program at the Institute for American Values, discusses the enormous multi-dimensional benefits of being married.
Among the findings from the research that led to this book:
*
married people live up to eight years' longer than divorced or never-married people. In fact, over 90% of married people live to be at least 65 years old, while only 60% of divorced and never married people live to this moderate age;
*
Waite also found that the incidence of all forms of mental and physical illness were reduced in married people as compared with unmarried or divorced people;
*
percentages of people engaging in unhealthy levels of alcohol or drug consumption were also significantly lower among married people;
*
married people even have sex twice as often as single people, and report deeper levels of satisfaction with their sexual relations. Unmarried couples who live together also have active sex lives but, like unmarried people, get less emotional satisfaction from it than married people.
*
married people have more than twice as much total net assets, on average, as unmarried people. Married couples not only save more while enjoying some economies of scale, but married men also earn up to 26 percent more than single men.
*
moderate domestic violence (defined as hitting, shoving or throwing things at a partner) occurred half as often with married couples and cohabiting couples engaged to marry, as compared to cohabiting couples not planning to marry.
At our workshops, we often hear people say that attracting a healthy partner or working on their current relationship is 'too hard' and requires 'too much work'. Yet in light of these powerful findings, it is obvious that a good marriage can enhance and expand the quality of your entire life more than almost anything else. Why not do everything you can to make yours as strong and healthy as possible? You've got nothing to lose by trying. By not trying, you may be choosing to lose your life, your health, your money and some great sex.
The Benefits of Marriage
If we told you we knew about something that would extend your life span by up to eight years, improve your immune system, reduce the incidence of physical, mental and substance abuse disorders, help you recover from illness and surgery more quickly, result in more satisfying and more frequent sexual relations, and increase your financial net worth, would you be interested in finding out how to get this thing for yourself? How much would you pay for it if it was in a pill? How hard would you work to get it? Just what is this amazing thing? A new miracle vitamin or nutritional supplement? A new tape program advertised in hour-long infomercials on late-night TV?
The good news is that we all are very familiar with this magical something that adds all these benefits to our lives. It's called marriage. That's right, marriage. A book, The Case for Marriage, by sociologist Dr. Linda Waite, a top family scholar at the University of Chicago, and Maggie Gallagher, Director of the Marriage Program at the Institute for American Values, discusses the enormous multi-dimensional benefits of being married.
Among the findings from the research that led to this book:
*
married people live up to eight years' longer than divorced or never-married people. In fact, over 90% of married people live to be at least 65 years old, while only 60% of divorced and never married people live to this moderate age;
*
Waite also found that the incidence of all forms of mental and physical illness were reduced in married people as compared with unmarried or divorced people;
*
percentages of people engaging in unhealthy levels of alcohol or drug consumption were also significantly lower among married people;
*
married people even have sex twice as often as single people, and report deeper levels of satisfaction with their sexual relations. Unmarried couples who live together also have active sex lives but, like unmarried people, get less emotional satisfaction from it than married people.
*
married people have more than twice as much total net assets, on average, as unmarried people. Married couples not only save more while enjoying some economies of scale, but married men also earn up to 26 percent more than single men.
*
moderate domestic violence (defined as hitting, shoving or throwing things at a partner) occurred half as often with married couples and cohabiting couples engaged to marry, as compared to cohabiting couples not planning to marry.
At our workshops, we often hear people say that attracting a healthy partner or working on their current relationship is 'too hard' and requires 'too much work'. Yet in light of these powerful findings, it is obvious that a good marriage can enhance and expand the quality of your entire life more than almost anything else. Why not do everything you can to make yours as strong and healthy as possible? You've got nothing to lose by trying. By not trying, you may be choosing to lose your life, your health, your money and some great sex.
The good news is that we all are very familiar with this magical something that adds all these benefits to our lives. It's called marriage. That's right, marriage. A book, The Case for Marriage, by sociologist Dr. Linda Waite, a top family scholar at the University of Chicago, and Maggie Gallagher, Director of the Marriage Program at the Institute for American Values, discusses the enormous multi-dimensional benefits of being married.
Among the findings from the research that led to this book:
*
married people live up to eight years' longer than divorced or never-married people. In fact, over 90% of married people live to be at least 65 years old, while only 60% of divorced and never married people live to this moderate age;
*
Waite also found that the incidence of all forms of mental and physical illness were reduced in married people as compared with unmarried or divorced people;
*
percentages of people engaging in unhealthy levels of alcohol or drug consumption were also significantly lower among married people;
*
married people even have sex twice as often as single people, and report deeper levels of satisfaction with their sexual relations. Unmarried couples who live together also have active sex lives but, like unmarried people, get less emotional satisfaction from it than married people.
*
married people have more than twice as much total net assets, on average, as unmarried people. Married couples not only save more while enjoying some economies of scale, but married men also earn up to 26 percent more than single men.
*
moderate domestic violence (defined as hitting, shoving or throwing things at a partner) occurred half as often with married couples and cohabiting couples engaged to marry, as compared to cohabiting couples not planning to marry.
At our workshops, we often hear people say that attracting a healthy partner or working on their current relationship is 'too hard' and requires 'too much work'. Yet in light of these powerful findings, it is obvious that a good marriage can enhance and expand the quality of your entire life more than almost anything else. Why not do everything you can to make yours as strong and healthy as possible? You've got nothing to lose by trying. By not trying, you may be choosing to lose your life, your health, your money and some great sex.
The Gift of Conflict
"No man is an island" said John Donne in 1624, and while he may be guilty of sexism, he appears ahead of his time in other ways as he expresses a basic ecological and spiritual principle, going on to say, "...every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in all of mankind."
The great naturalist John Muir expressed a similar sentiment in this 1906 writing, "When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe." Indeed there is a seamless web to which we are all inextricably intertwined; a cosmic, universal web in which the pure essence of life flows through all creation. The electronic connections of the World Wide Web are just beginning to externalize in material form what has always existed in energetic form.
And yet, if we are all connected in this manner, this means that whether we like it or not, we are inevitably in relationship with all things and all peoples. What is the nature of this relationship? As discussed in Buddhist psychology, all relationships in the mind and in the world ultimately take on one of three forms: we're either neutral; we like; or we dislike the other that we’re in relationship with.
It seems self-evident that we would want to collect as many in the "like" column as possible: we naturally move towards those people, experiences and places which resonate harmoniously within us. But this betrays an important truth: some of our best teachers and most profound lessons come from those experiences and people we dislike, from those who "push our buttons", from those we cannot stand to be around. And why is that? It’s because these experiences and people force us to see life from a different perspective, to get out of our self-created, self-limiting cocoons and filters of reality and consider alternative possibilities. They force us to grow, to learn, and to expand our beliefs about ourselves and the nature of life. Conflict energizes any system and when approached with a positive, constructive attitude, leads to creative solutions and ideas. For conflict prods and encourages us to stretch further, dig deeper and learn to be better people. It’s easy to be compassionate and loving with those that treat us well, but the real growth comes when we can treat everyone we interact with in a loving manner, and in so doing honor that universal essence which flows through us all.
Well, you might say, that sounds good in theory, but how do I deal with my resistance to such people and experiences? Here are some helpful tips:
-seek out those that have a different belief system or world view than you do. Really try to understand how and why they think and believe the way they do. None other than Sigmund Freud once claimed that it was "intellectual suicide" to only talk to people who believe what you do (though he was also famous for surrounding himself with "true believers" and not speaking with others who dared to opposed his ideas!)
-if someone you meet elicits a very strong negative feeling in you, examine that feeling in detail. What is it about their ideas or personality that grates you so much? Do you, as Shakespeare said, "...doth protest too much?" That is, is there something in YOU that is similar to this person that makes you want to run the other way? In his wonderful book "A Path With Heart", Jack Kornfield relates the tale of his returning to New York City after living in an ashram for years and leading the life of a renunciate. He felt completely at peace and that he had mastered the art of feeling serene in any situation. However, while waiting for a family member in the waiting room of a salon, several women looked critically at him and the way he was dressed, and suddenly he was flooded with enormous anger welling up inside of him. He realized that his spiritual training had not touched an entire other dimension of life, the interpersonal, and this experience led to his entering psychotherapy to understand why he reacted so strongly.
-learn to see each person you meet as your teacher. What does the person next to you right now have to teach? Your spouse? Your boss? Your neighbor? Everyone truly does have something to teach you about life if you are open to it. Remember Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha, who, upon meeting up with the beautiful Kamala, remarked, "Such women will always have much to teach." Yes, and so will people you perceive of as materialistic, selfish and greedy business owners; unpleasant and unhelpful service workers; and loud and arrogant personalities, to name just a few.
-look into your past and ask this question: who does this person remind me of? Have I been holding onto a grudge, a hurt or a resentment for many years that this person has come into my life now to remind me of? If so, explore ways of resolving your own issue that’s getting projected onto this person. This person may be a signpost of something in you that may need attention.
So don’t be afraid of conflict. Rather than avoid it, embrace and invite conflict into your life! Conflict is an opportunity to learn, to grow, to stretch and become a healthier, more creative and evolved person. Let each conflict help to transform you into the healthiest, most loving person you can become.
The great naturalist John Muir expressed a similar sentiment in this 1906 writing, "When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe." Indeed there is a seamless web to which we are all inextricably intertwined; a cosmic, universal web in which the pure essence of life flows through all creation. The electronic connections of the World Wide Web are just beginning to externalize in material form what has always existed in energetic form.
And yet, if we are all connected in this manner, this means that whether we like it or not, we are inevitably in relationship with all things and all peoples. What is the nature of this relationship? As discussed in Buddhist psychology, all relationships in the mind and in the world ultimately take on one of three forms: we're either neutral; we like; or we dislike the other that we’re in relationship with.
It seems self-evident that we would want to collect as many in the "like" column as possible: we naturally move towards those people, experiences and places which resonate harmoniously within us. But this betrays an important truth: some of our best teachers and most profound lessons come from those experiences and people we dislike, from those who "push our buttons", from those we cannot stand to be around. And why is that? It’s because these experiences and people force us to see life from a different perspective, to get out of our self-created, self-limiting cocoons and filters of reality and consider alternative possibilities. They force us to grow, to learn, and to expand our beliefs about ourselves and the nature of life. Conflict energizes any system and when approached with a positive, constructive attitude, leads to creative solutions and ideas. For conflict prods and encourages us to stretch further, dig deeper and learn to be better people. It’s easy to be compassionate and loving with those that treat us well, but the real growth comes when we can treat everyone we interact with in a loving manner, and in so doing honor that universal essence which flows through us all.
Well, you might say, that sounds good in theory, but how do I deal with my resistance to such people and experiences? Here are some helpful tips:
-seek out those that have a different belief system or world view than you do. Really try to understand how and why they think and believe the way they do. None other than Sigmund Freud once claimed that it was "intellectual suicide" to only talk to people who believe what you do (though he was also famous for surrounding himself with "true believers" and not speaking with others who dared to opposed his ideas!)
-if someone you meet elicits a very strong negative feeling in you, examine that feeling in detail. What is it about their ideas or personality that grates you so much? Do you, as Shakespeare said, "...doth protest too much?" That is, is there something in YOU that is similar to this person that makes you want to run the other way? In his wonderful book "A Path With Heart", Jack Kornfield relates the tale of his returning to New York City after living in an ashram for years and leading the life of a renunciate. He felt completely at peace and that he had mastered the art of feeling serene in any situation. However, while waiting for a family member in the waiting room of a salon, several women looked critically at him and the way he was dressed, and suddenly he was flooded with enormous anger welling up inside of him. He realized that his spiritual training had not touched an entire other dimension of life, the interpersonal, and this experience led to his entering psychotherapy to understand why he reacted so strongly.
-learn to see each person you meet as your teacher. What does the person next to you right now have to teach? Your spouse? Your boss? Your neighbor? Everyone truly does have something to teach you about life if you are open to it. Remember Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha, who, upon meeting up with the beautiful Kamala, remarked, "Such women will always have much to teach." Yes, and so will people you perceive of as materialistic, selfish and greedy business owners; unpleasant and unhelpful service workers; and loud and arrogant personalities, to name just a few.
-look into your past and ask this question: who does this person remind me of? Have I been holding onto a grudge, a hurt or a resentment for many years that this person has come into my life now to remind me of? If so, explore ways of resolving your own issue that’s getting projected onto this person. This person may be a signpost of something in you that may need attention.
So don’t be afraid of conflict. Rather than avoid it, embrace and invite conflict into your life! Conflict is an opportunity to learn, to grow, to stretch and become a healthier, more creative and evolved person. Let each conflict help to transform you into the healthiest, most loving person you can become.
The Real Meaning of Romance
It is very useful to take time and pause for conscious reflection upon the real meaning of romance in intimate relationships. From the time we are young children, we listen wide-eyed to fairy tales of beautiful princesses being swept off their feet by charming princes who take them away to a better life where they live ''happily ever after.'' Their romance is intense, passionate, dramatic, intoxicating and transformative. Their love is able to surmount all sorts of obstacles - financial and ethnic differences, monsters and goblins, evil kings and queens - because they know in their hearts they have found the one true love they will spend the rest of their lives with. As we grow up, we hear this wonderful theme repeated endlessly in cartoons, movies, romance novels and hit songs. We grow very fond of this sweet tale, and can't wait until the day when Cupid's arrow hits its mark squarely in our hearts.
And then it happens! We look into another's eyes and something wonderful and mysterious overtakes us. We feel a great joy and spontaneity that we've never felt before. Innocently and completely, we surrender to this awesome energy. We have found our soul mate, our one true partner who will fulfill all our needs unconditionally, and our hearts and souls will dance and sing for all eternity.
But then it dawns on us, sometimes slowly and imperceptibly, other times instantly and bluntly: there will be no ''happily ever after'' in this relationship. We experience conflict, anger, disappointment and hurt. What was once easy and effortless is now difficult and painful. What happened?
Alas, the story of romantic love as a road map for an entire relationship is a myth that leads almost everyone to despair. The wonderful infatuation we experience in the beginning of a new romantic relationship is in actuality a period of grace bestowed upon us to give us a vision of possibilities of who we can be and how we can love. Our hearts open fully, our fears giving way to remarkable acts of tenderness and unselfish caring. Easily and spontaneously, both people temporarily become the lovers they always knew they could be. Romantic love is real and genuine, but only as an initial visionary stage of intimate connection. In fact, research by Dr. Liberty Kovacs shows that romantic love is by far the shortest stage in long-term relationships. Inevitably, as it is supposed to, something happens and suddenly we are back in reality, in a new stage. The effortless flow of romance is replaced by conscious, deliberate acts of love which require effort, commitment and inconvenience.
When this shift occurs, we have several choices. We can act like a victim, blaming the universe for setting things up this way. It's really not fair that love fades away after tantalizing us with effortless bliss. Or we may blame our partner, ending the relationship after concluding that this was not really our soul mate. If, however, we are committed to an awake, conscious life, we may recognize this passing with some sadness but understand that the real relationship and the real learning has now begun. We may recall the words of Thoreau who said, ''If you have built castles in the air, that is fine. Now put a foundation under them.'' We build the foundation brick by brick, loving act by loving act, with conscious awareness and intention. And in so doing, we truly honor the vision that our romance gave us and create an even deeper and more genuine romantic connection with our partner. As we confront the struggles and limitations in our ability to love fully, we realize the true grace of intimate relationship: we are given the exact situations and opportunities we most need for the next steps on our journey of awakening.
By being conscious and open to the messages and lessons we most need to receive, each stage of each relationship can be a wonderful vehicle for waking up. For example, if you consistently attract a certain type of unhealthy person into your life, open your heart and spirit without judgment and listen deeply. What is still unresolved within you that you need to keep re-experiencing this unhealthy behavior or feeling again and again? What about this energy is still somehow gratifying or reaffirming something within you? Is there an old part of you which still believes you deserve this? What positive shifts can you make to heal that energy within you so you can move on to attract greater love, greater fulfillment and deeper connection?
In a conscious, loving, intimate connection, partners are present with one another without judgment or unrealistic expectations. When you both understand the deeper reasons you have come into each others' lives, you can let go of the need to make your relationship be a certain way and allow it to be what it is. You can allow your fears and wounds to come up and be healed in the soothing, loving presence of your partner. And you can walk away from the relationship if and when your inner knowingness (and not your fears) tells you it is time.
We are all born with an innate capacity to connect and love deeply. Intimate relationships are great teachers, and they bring us magical experiences at every stage of relationship. Beneath the Valentine's Day myths lie powerful opportunities for the most thrilling romance of all: waking up to the fully conscious life we are here to live.
And then it happens! We look into another's eyes and something wonderful and mysterious overtakes us. We feel a great joy and spontaneity that we've never felt before. Innocently and completely, we surrender to this awesome energy. We have found our soul mate, our one true partner who will fulfill all our needs unconditionally, and our hearts and souls will dance and sing for all eternity.
But then it dawns on us, sometimes slowly and imperceptibly, other times instantly and bluntly: there will be no ''happily ever after'' in this relationship. We experience conflict, anger, disappointment and hurt. What was once easy and effortless is now difficult and painful. What happened?
Alas, the story of romantic love as a road map for an entire relationship is a myth that leads almost everyone to despair. The wonderful infatuation we experience in the beginning of a new romantic relationship is in actuality a period of grace bestowed upon us to give us a vision of possibilities of who we can be and how we can love. Our hearts open fully, our fears giving way to remarkable acts of tenderness and unselfish caring. Easily and spontaneously, both people temporarily become the lovers they always knew they could be. Romantic love is real and genuine, but only as an initial visionary stage of intimate connection. In fact, research by Dr. Liberty Kovacs shows that romantic love is by far the shortest stage in long-term relationships. Inevitably, as it is supposed to, something happens and suddenly we are back in reality, in a new stage. The effortless flow of romance is replaced by conscious, deliberate acts of love which require effort, commitment and inconvenience.
When this shift occurs, we have several choices. We can act like a victim, blaming the universe for setting things up this way. It's really not fair that love fades away after tantalizing us with effortless bliss. Or we may blame our partner, ending the relationship after concluding that this was not really our soul mate. If, however, we are committed to an awake, conscious life, we may recognize this passing with some sadness but understand that the real relationship and the real learning has now begun. We may recall the words of Thoreau who said, ''If you have built castles in the air, that is fine. Now put a foundation under them.'' We build the foundation brick by brick, loving act by loving act, with conscious awareness and intention. And in so doing, we truly honor the vision that our romance gave us and create an even deeper and more genuine romantic connection with our partner. As we confront the struggles and limitations in our ability to love fully, we realize the true grace of intimate relationship: we are given the exact situations and opportunities we most need for the next steps on our journey of awakening.
By being conscious and open to the messages and lessons we most need to receive, each stage of each relationship can be a wonderful vehicle for waking up. For example, if you consistently attract a certain type of unhealthy person into your life, open your heart and spirit without judgment and listen deeply. What is still unresolved within you that you need to keep re-experiencing this unhealthy behavior or feeling again and again? What about this energy is still somehow gratifying or reaffirming something within you? Is there an old part of you which still believes you deserve this? What positive shifts can you make to heal that energy within you so you can move on to attract greater love, greater fulfillment and deeper connection?
In a conscious, loving, intimate connection, partners are present with one another without judgment or unrealistic expectations. When you both understand the deeper reasons you have come into each others' lives, you can let go of the need to make your relationship be a certain way and allow it to be what it is. You can allow your fears and wounds to come up and be healed in the soothing, loving presence of your partner. And you can walk away from the relationship if and when your inner knowingness (and not your fears) tells you it is time.
We are all born with an innate capacity to connect and love deeply. Intimate relationships are great teachers, and they bring us magical experiences at every stage of relationship. Beneath the Valentine's Day myths lie powerful opportunities for the most thrilling romance of all: waking up to the fully conscious life we are here to live.
The Stages of Committed Relationships
When attempting to create a loving, healthy intimate relationship, it is important to have an accurate roadmap for the journey. Most of our culture's roadmaps have emphasized fantasy, illusion and denial, and those who follow those maps will tend to have unhappy, conflict-ridden relationships. What follows is a reality-based roadmap which comes from research into couples' actual experiences of being in long-term relationships.
While theorists disagree on the exact name and number of the stages couples progress through, there is a general consensus that couples go through some version of the following stages. Not everyone goes through all the stages and some couples may go through them in a different sequence, but for most couples this is the normative experience in a long-term committed relationship.
1. ROMANTIC LOVE
This is the love that Hollywood loves to promote as the only kind of love. Romantic love is wonderful, easy, and effortless. It is very spontaneous and alive. The feelings and perceptions that go through both people are that we are one; we are the same. You are perfect. I can give and receive love with little or no effort required. There is a tremendous emphasis on maximizing similarities and minimizing differences. There is a belief and expectation that you will provide most or all of my wants, needs, desires. There is generally a high degree of passion and feelings and expressions of romance come easily and often. The partners think about each other constantly, and make much eye contact and are very affectionate when they are together. Many people experience this as living in a state of near-constant bliss and infatuation. There is a belief that these feelings and experiences will go on forever, that 'we will never disagree on anything', and that somehow fate or forces larger than themselves have brought them together.
This stage generally lasts from six months to two years, and is the SHORTEST stage of any of the stages of long-term committed relationships.
2. ADJUSTING TO REALITY
Ah, reality. Inevitably, predictably, eventually, reality rears its (ugly?) head and the bubble bursts on the Romantic stage. Sometimes it is a slow leak, other times a sudden and complete blowout. But either way, something happens which causes a minor or major conflict in the new relationship. Sometimes the trigger is living together and having to share household chores and experiencing personal habits up close. Sometimes it is an act of deception which is discovered. Sometimes it is planning a wedding, buying a house, or sharing finances. Whatever the cause, after the conflict occurs, it becomes impossible to continue the fantasy that this person and this relationship are immune from struggle, from effort, from reality. Differences which were previously obscured suddenly become visible. Conflicts, anxieties, disappointment and hurt replace the effortless flow of the Romantic stage. There is a sense that this person is not living up your hopes and dreams, and there is an accompanying loss of closeness. Gradually each person is forced to relinquish some of their most cherished romantic fantasies, or to cling to them desperately in a state of denial.
In this stage, it is common to feel as if someone or something or even Life itself has cheated you or robbed you of something precious, almost like a stage of grieving the loss of something innocent and wonderful. There is a desire to be close again but confusion as how to create that. It is the first time that fears of intimacy begin to arise. Suddenly the couple must learn how to deal with very real differences, how to deal with conflict, and how to integrate being an independent person as well as someone in an intimate relationship.
In short, Adjusting to Reality is the stage where the Real Relationship begins.
3. THE POWER STRUGGLE
As the disillusionment of the Adjusting to Reality stage deepens, the couple tends to have more disagreements. Minor issues blow up into larger arguments. Yelling appears for the first time, if it ever will. Both partners dig in their heels and defend their positions on issues fiercely. Each person digs in their heels and protects their turf. This once-tender effortless loving relationship has become a battleground and evolved into a daily Power Struggle. This is a typical stage in the development of a long-term committed relationship.
For the first time in the relationship, there are occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. This person who only recently appeared to be the embodiment of pure love and joy in your eyes suddenly seems self-centered and not to be trusted. Doubts arise as to whether the other person really loves you. There are consistent feelings of ambivalence and anger. Blaming and accusing becomes the most common form of interaction. Each partner is afraid of giving in, and wants the other to change. This is where deep resentments begin to form, which if left unchecked, become the cancer that eventually eats away at all the love and tenderness that has come before. Sarcasm and hostility enter into daily conversations.
This does not have to be the end of the relationship. The tasks for the couple here are to develop problem-solving, conflict resolution and negotiating skills. The conflicts will clearly not go away on their own. Each person much learn to listen respectfully to their partner's position, even if they don't agree with it. They must learn to support their partner's own growth, even if they feel it compromises their own. They may see the origins of the patterns of their conflicts (and their dysfunctional ways of resolving them) in their family of origin.
4. RE-EVALUATION
The Power Struggle is physically and emotionally draining, and if the couple can survive, they move into the next stage, of a conscious Re-Evaluation of the relationship. Whereas the original commitment one makes is typically based on projections of fantasy, this Re-Evaluation takes into account the reality and fears and defenses of each person. Do I really want to stay with this person? You know who this person is now, you know their limitations, and you know the range of which they are capable of improving or getting better. Knowing all that, do you still want to stay? That is the question that gets answered during this stage.
Both people tend to turn outward to resolve their issues, instead of toward each other. As a result, fears of abandonment come up strongly here. Can I make by myself? Am I really okay the way I am? Will anyone else find me attractive or appealing?
Both people emotionally (and sometimes physically) disengage and withdraw during this stage, which makes it the stage in which separation, divorce and/or an affair are most likely to occur. Feelings of resentment are less intense in this stage, as the affect in the relationship is likely to be very flat and empty. The sexual relationship sporadic at best and more likely non-existent. Things are ripe for an affair to burst on the scene, and often a person in this stage will begin to confide in someone of the opposite sex. This confidante will take on more and more importance in the person's life, due to their neediness and vulnerability, and they will often get emotionally very involved without consciously realizing it. At this point even the slightest affection is like throwing a match in the forest on a hot summer day, and a passionate, intense affair will begin.
The danger is that when an affair begins at this stage, it is almost impossible for the relationship to recover. The primary relationship has too little going for it in the way of gratification on either side, and the inevitable comparisons between the affair and the relationship seem like night and day.
A separation can be useful here to help each person gain perspective, due that too can lead to the demise of the relationship if outside gratifications seem to dwarf the emptiness of the relationship.
The task for each person here is to stay present and honor their commitment, develop individually and be able to see their partner as a separate person. This is the only way the relationship can survive and move into the next stage.
5. RECONCILIATION
In this stage, after the distance of the Re-evaluation, if the relationship has survived, there is a re-awakening of interest in getting closer and connecting again. Knowing all that they know, coming from reality and not fantasy, there is a decision to have the willingness to try once again. There is an open acceptance of the conflicts and differences in the relationship, but they are approached with a different attitude: they are used as opportunities for learning about oneself and the other person. They are catalysts for growth and change. There is a recognition that the differences are real and won't go away, and that neither person can really change the other. Thus begins a process of struggling to create an honest, genuine intimate relationship. The people connect again and the relationship again begins to produce ongoing satisfaction for both partners.
In this stage there is also a deeper sense of taking responsibility for one's part in conflict and in lack of satisfaction. Each person may recognize the link between what they learned as children in their families of origin and how they approach intimate relationships. They own their distortions and projections onto their partners. They begin to see their partner as they see themselves, as a somewhat flawed yet decent person who is making a sincere effort to love and be close and still take care of their own needs.
While theorists disagree on the exact name and number of the stages couples progress through, there is a general consensus that couples go through some version of the following stages. Not everyone goes through all the stages and some couples may go through them in a different sequence, but for most couples this is the normative experience in a long-term committed relationship.
1. ROMANTIC LOVE
This is the love that Hollywood loves to promote as the only kind of love. Romantic love is wonderful, easy, and effortless. It is very spontaneous and alive. The feelings and perceptions that go through both people are that we are one; we are the same. You are perfect. I can give and receive love with little or no effort required. There is a tremendous emphasis on maximizing similarities and minimizing differences. There is a belief and expectation that you will provide most or all of my wants, needs, desires. There is generally a high degree of passion and feelings and expressions of romance come easily and often. The partners think about each other constantly, and make much eye contact and are very affectionate when they are together. Many people experience this as living in a state of near-constant bliss and infatuation. There is a belief that these feelings and experiences will go on forever, that 'we will never disagree on anything', and that somehow fate or forces larger than themselves have brought them together.
This stage generally lasts from six months to two years, and is the SHORTEST stage of any of the stages of long-term committed relationships.
2. ADJUSTING TO REALITY
Ah, reality. Inevitably, predictably, eventually, reality rears its (ugly?) head and the bubble bursts on the Romantic stage. Sometimes it is a slow leak, other times a sudden and complete blowout. But either way, something happens which causes a minor or major conflict in the new relationship. Sometimes the trigger is living together and having to share household chores and experiencing personal habits up close. Sometimes it is an act of deception which is discovered. Sometimes it is planning a wedding, buying a house, or sharing finances. Whatever the cause, after the conflict occurs, it becomes impossible to continue the fantasy that this person and this relationship are immune from struggle, from effort, from reality. Differences which were previously obscured suddenly become visible. Conflicts, anxieties, disappointment and hurt replace the effortless flow of the Romantic stage. There is a sense that this person is not living up your hopes and dreams, and there is an accompanying loss of closeness. Gradually each person is forced to relinquish some of their most cherished romantic fantasies, or to cling to them desperately in a state of denial.
In this stage, it is common to feel as if someone or something or even Life itself has cheated you or robbed you of something precious, almost like a stage of grieving the loss of something innocent and wonderful. There is a desire to be close again but confusion as how to create that. It is the first time that fears of intimacy begin to arise. Suddenly the couple must learn how to deal with very real differences, how to deal with conflict, and how to integrate being an independent person as well as someone in an intimate relationship.
In short, Adjusting to Reality is the stage where the Real Relationship begins.
3. THE POWER STRUGGLE
As the disillusionment of the Adjusting to Reality stage deepens, the couple tends to have more disagreements. Minor issues blow up into larger arguments. Yelling appears for the first time, if it ever will. Both partners dig in their heels and defend their positions on issues fiercely. Each person digs in their heels and protects their turf. This once-tender effortless loving relationship has become a battleground and evolved into a daily Power Struggle. This is a typical stage in the development of a long-term committed relationship.
For the first time in the relationship, there are occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. This person who only recently appeared to be the embodiment of pure love and joy in your eyes suddenly seems self-centered and not to be trusted. Doubts arise as to whether the other person really loves you. There are consistent feelings of ambivalence and anger. Blaming and accusing becomes the most common form of interaction. Each partner is afraid of giving in, and wants the other to change. This is where deep resentments begin to form, which if left unchecked, become the cancer that eventually eats away at all the love and tenderness that has come before. Sarcasm and hostility enter into daily conversations.
This does not have to be the end of the relationship. The tasks for the couple here are to develop problem-solving, conflict resolution and negotiating skills. The conflicts will clearly not go away on their own. Each person much learn to listen respectfully to their partner's position, even if they don't agree with it. They must learn to support their partner's own growth, even if they feel it compromises their own. They may see the origins of the patterns of their conflicts (and their dysfunctional ways of resolving them) in their family of origin.
4. RE-EVALUATION
The Power Struggle is physically and emotionally draining, and if the couple can survive, they move into the next stage, of a conscious Re-Evaluation of the relationship. Whereas the original commitment one makes is typically based on projections of fantasy, this Re-Evaluation takes into account the reality and fears and defenses of each person. Do I really want to stay with this person? You know who this person is now, you know their limitations, and you know the range of which they are capable of improving or getting better. Knowing all that, do you still want to stay? That is the question that gets answered during this stage.
Both people tend to turn outward to resolve their issues, instead of toward each other. As a result, fears of abandonment come up strongly here. Can I make by myself? Am I really okay the way I am? Will anyone else find me attractive or appealing?
Both people emotionally (and sometimes physically) disengage and withdraw during this stage, which makes it the stage in which separation, divorce and/or an affair are most likely to occur. Feelings of resentment are less intense in this stage, as the affect in the relationship is likely to be very flat and empty. The sexual relationship sporadic at best and more likely non-existent. Things are ripe for an affair to burst on the scene, and often a person in this stage will begin to confide in someone of the opposite sex. This confidante will take on more and more importance in the person's life, due to their neediness and vulnerability, and they will often get emotionally very involved without consciously realizing it. At this point even the slightest affection is like throwing a match in the forest on a hot summer day, and a passionate, intense affair will begin.
The danger is that when an affair begins at this stage, it is almost impossible for the relationship to recover. The primary relationship has too little going for it in the way of gratification on either side, and the inevitable comparisons between the affair and the relationship seem like night and day.
A separation can be useful here to help each person gain perspective, due that too can lead to the demise of the relationship if outside gratifications seem to dwarf the emptiness of the relationship.
The task for each person here is to stay present and honor their commitment, develop individually and be able to see their partner as a separate person. This is the only way the relationship can survive and move into the next stage.
5. RECONCILIATION
In this stage, after the distance of the Re-evaluation, if the relationship has survived, there is a re-awakening of interest in getting closer and connecting again. Knowing all that they know, coming from reality and not fantasy, there is a decision to have the willingness to try once again. There is an open acceptance of the conflicts and differences in the relationship, but they are approached with a different attitude: they are used as opportunities for learning about oneself and the other person. They are catalysts for growth and change. There is a recognition that the differences are real and won't go away, and that neither person can really change the other. Thus begins a process of struggling to create an honest, genuine intimate relationship. The people connect again and the relationship again begins to produce ongoing satisfaction for both partners.
In this stage there is also a deeper sense of taking responsibility for one's part in conflict and in lack of satisfaction. Each person may recognize the link between what they learned as children in their families of origin and how they approach intimate relationships. They own their distortions and projections onto their partners. They begin to see their partner as they see themselves, as a somewhat flawed yet decent person who is making a sincere effort to love and be close and still take care of their own needs.
The Three Selves of Dating
One of the perplexing parts of dating is that your partner will sometimes reveal markedly different parts of themselves at different times during a relationship. One day you may be delighted by your partner’s charm and thoughtfulness yet the next day be devastated by their stubbornness, rigidity and inappropriate expressions of feelings. How and why does this happen? And what can conscious singles do to keep themselves emotionally safe from hurtful surprises as they traverse the stages of developing relationships?
All of us possess many different sub-personalities. Among the most common of these are three distinct selves or sub-parts of our personalities that explain the often contradictory behavior that occurs as a new relationship develops. We all need each of these parts to survive and thrive in the world, and each of these parts can express themselves in a healthy or unhealthy way. Let’s discuss each of these parts and how they interact.
The first part is the Rational, Practical Persona. This is the part that presents an appropriate mask to the world and is concerned with maintaining a certain image or status. This part thinks logically and analytically about life and relationships. It’s intelligent, thoughtful, linear, methodical, functional, practical and goal-directed. The Rational, Practical Persona never acts impulsively or irrationally.
The second part is the Alive, Loving Self. This is the part of you that feels totally alive, present and spontaneous, that genuinely wants a deep, intimate connection with others. The Alive, Loving Self is willing and able to take risks, is playful, fun-loving and bursting with energy and feelings. This part is never concerned about whether something makes ‘sense’ or is practical, and is very expansive, imaginative and visionary.
The third part is the Wounded, Fearful Self. This is the part of you which has experienced the inevitable emotional wounds, hurts and disappointments of growing up. These wounds may be mild, moderate or severe, and is the repository of inadequacies, frailties, vulnerabilities and shame. This part is limited in its capacity for growth and change without outside help, because it has developed a variety of strategies, shields and compensatory mechanisms to keep itself safe to avoid further wounding. The Wounded, Fearful Self functions as your ‘emotional thermostat’ which strives to keep your emotional life stable, similar, and familiar. In fact, it continually strives to re-create or maintain whatever emotional experiences you may have had in the past, whether they were loving, chaotic, distant or hurtful.
So how do these three parts interact and change as a dating relationship develops? Well initially, the Alive, Loving Selves come out as fully as they ever will when people first meet. They dance and play and exude aliveness and spontaneity and fun and desire closeness. Unfortunately in most relationships, this phase is temporary because the Rational, Practical Persona and the Wounded, Fearful Self quickly team up to put a lid on the Alive, Loving Self’s playtime. As more closeness develops, the alarms of the Wounded, Fearful Self go off and self-protection takes over. Intimacy = vulnerability = risk and the Wounded, Fearful Self cannot tolerate the chance of being hurt again. The Alive, Loving Self is partially or completely shut down, leaving the Rational, Practical Persona to take over and make relationship decisions. Suddenly someone who wanted to see you every day has to work late 3 nights a week, or no longer wants to talk about "the future". Or out of the blue, you encounter anger or resistance when you want to do things to bring the relationship closer.
In most cases you fall in love with someone’s Alive, Loving Self but end up dating, living with and/or married to their Wounded, Fearful Self and Rational, Practical Persona. Thus a crucial task of conscious dating is to understand the nature of your partner’s Wounded, Fearful self. Are they aware of this part of themselves? Have they worked on healing it? How pervasive is it now in their life?
It is important to remember the work of Ken Wilber here (author of The Spectrum of Consciousness, Integral Psychology and the new, hilarious Boomeritis), who says that development in one area does not necessarily imply the same degree of development in another. Thus someone in touch with their Higher Self who has a comittment to spiritual practice can still have their emotional life dictated by their Wounded, Fearful Self. As Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield says in his wonderfully humble book A Path With Heart, his years in the ashram enabled him to perfectly clear his mind, until he resumed the life of a householder and had to deal with intimate relationships.Or as Ram Dass once said, "I’m still as neurotic as ever, I just don’t choose to hang out there anymore!"
So when dating, it’s wise to open your heart gradually, until you get a sense of all parts of your partner. Honor the needs of all parts of yourself as well as your partner. Don't commit until you really feel you have a sense of which each of these parts is for your dating partner. These steps will help avoid any hurtful surprises and enable you to be fully present for the unique, precious journey of awakening that only the conscious dance of love can provide.
All of us possess many different sub-personalities. Among the most common of these are three distinct selves or sub-parts of our personalities that explain the often contradictory behavior that occurs as a new relationship develops. We all need each of these parts to survive and thrive in the world, and each of these parts can express themselves in a healthy or unhealthy way. Let’s discuss each of these parts and how they interact.
The first part is the Rational, Practical Persona. This is the part that presents an appropriate mask to the world and is concerned with maintaining a certain image or status. This part thinks logically and analytically about life and relationships. It’s intelligent, thoughtful, linear, methodical, functional, practical and goal-directed. The Rational, Practical Persona never acts impulsively or irrationally.
The second part is the Alive, Loving Self. This is the part of you that feels totally alive, present and spontaneous, that genuinely wants a deep, intimate connection with others. The Alive, Loving Self is willing and able to take risks, is playful, fun-loving and bursting with energy and feelings. This part is never concerned about whether something makes ‘sense’ or is practical, and is very expansive, imaginative and visionary.
The third part is the Wounded, Fearful Self. This is the part of you which has experienced the inevitable emotional wounds, hurts and disappointments of growing up. These wounds may be mild, moderate or severe, and is the repository of inadequacies, frailties, vulnerabilities and shame. This part is limited in its capacity for growth and change without outside help, because it has developed a variety of strategies, shields and compensatory mechanisms to keep itself safe to avoid further wounding. The Wounded, Fearful Self functions as your ‘emotional thermostat’ which strives to keep your emotional life stable, similar, and familiar. In fact, it continually strives to re-create or maintain whatever emotional experiences you may have had in the past, whether they were loving, chaotic, distant or hurtful.
So how do these three parts interact and change as a dating relationship develops? Well initially, the Alive, Loving Selves come out as fully as they ever will when people first meet. They dance and play and exude aliveness and spontaneity and fun and desire closeness. Unfortunately in most relationships, this phase is temporary because the Rational, Practical Persona and the Wounded, Fearful Self quickly team up to put a lid on the Alive, Loving Self’s playtime. As more closeness develops, the alarms of the Wounded, Fearful Self go off and self-protection takes over. Intimacy = vulnerability = risk and the Wounded, Fearful Self cannot tolerate the chance of being hurt again. The Alive, Loving Self is partially or completely shut down, leaving the Rational, Practical Persona to take over and make relationship decisions. Suddenly someone who wanted to see you every day has to work late 3 nights a week, or no longer wants to talk about "the future". Or out of the blue, you encounter anger or resistance when you want to do things to bring the relationship closer.
In most cases you fall in love with someone’s Alive, Loving Self but end up dating, living with and/or married to their Wounded, Fearful Self and Rational, Practical Persona. Thus a crucial task of conscious dating is to understand the nature of your partner’s Wounded, Fearful self. Are they aware of this part of themselves? Have they worked on healing it? How pervasive is it now in their life?
It is important to remember the work of Ken Wilber here (author of The Spectrum of Consciousness, Integral Psychology and the new, hilarious Boomeritis), who says that development in one area does not necessarily imply the same degree of development in another. Thus someone in touch with their Higher Self who has a comittment to spiritual practice can still have their emotional life dictated by their Wounded, Fearful Self. As Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield says in his wonderfully humble book A Path With Heart, his years in the ashram enabled him to perfectly clear his mind, until he resumed the life of a householder and had to deal with intimate relationships.Or as Ram Dass once said, "I’m still as neurotic as ever, I just don’t choose to hang out there anymore!"
So when dating, it’s wise to open your heart gradually, until you get a sense of all parts of your partner. Honor the needs of all parts of yourself as well as your partner. Don't commit until you really feel you have a sense of which each of these parts is for your dating partner. These steps will help avoid any hurtful surprises and enable you to be fully present for the unique, precious journey of awakening that only the conscious dance of love can provide.
True Romance
Every Valentine’s Day, people reflect on the amount of romance in their relationship. For some, Cupid’s arrow strikes with a passionate bulls-eye, while for others the arrow misses its mark, leaving them wishing for more romance. One of the most common patterns we see in working with couples is the disappointment and disillusionment which comes when one or both partners feel the romance is gone. There’s little or no passion and excitement, though they fondly remember a time when the mere thought of being together elicited powerful feelings of intense love and tenderness. Yet now the relationship seems dry, stale, and boring. What happened? And is it possible to get those wonderful feelings back?
In a new relationship, we are all granted a free grace period where tremendous passion, aliveness and intensity is bestowed upon us with minimal effort. There is evidence that there is a physiological reason for this period of infatuation, where the brains of new lovers are saturated with higher levels of phenylethylamine (PEA), a naturally-occurring amphetamine-like neurotransmitter, creating a highly aroused state of body of mind. As a result, we are spontaneously loving, giving, thoughtful, affectionate, playful and passionate. The slightest touch can elicit fireworks and we are fully awake and present in each luscious moment. We are given this wonderful gift - a vision of what is possible to create with each other - and then our task is to transform that vision into reality. But what lies ahead after the glow wears off?
In the 1977 movie Annie Hall, Woody Allen and Diane Keaton confront this question by asking an elderly woman on the streets of Manhattan about the true nature of love. She looks at Woody sadly, shaking her head, and says, "Love fades, sonny." Yet just then, a young happy couple comes bounding their way, and a perplexed Woody asks them, "How do YOU do it? How do you stay so happy?" The man cheerfully replies, "Well I’m vain and shallow, and so is she! It works great!" and they run off laughing and kissing.
In reality, it is depth not shallowness that creates lasting love. And love doesn’t fade unless a couple allows it to fade. The Law of Entropy applies here: without a sustained effort toward keeping anything in the physical universe maintained or improved, things tend to deteriorate and go in the direction of disorder, whether it is your car, your home, your body or your love. People take their love for granted, and they slowly begin to drift apart, until suddenly they realize they are little more than roommates.
And how do you keep your love from fading? What specific efforts help keep the feelings alive and passionate? Although not easy to perform, the two-part answer is simple: Reduce or eliminate hurts and resentments, and create a closer bond by understanding and meeting your partner’s emotional needs.
You cannot simultaneously feel resentment and loving toward someone! So the first thing to do is clear up any hurts or resentments standing in the way of your wanting to be close. Listen to your partner’s concerns or resentments, validate their experience, and make whatever corrections or amends you need to help them fully resolve and let go of their issue.
Once you have resolved resentments, then you can get closer by giving your partner what they need to feel cared for. Genuine love is a series of small repeated kindnesses, but don’t assume you know what your partner needs to feel cared about until they tell you directly and specifically. Don’t make the mistake of the man we knew who spent over $900 on flowers for his wife, only to find out she hated flowers. Ask your partner what his or her favorite caring behaviors, and you will have the magic recipe for creating lasting love. By giving them what they need to feel cared for, to feel cherished and important, you build up an overflowing reservoir of positive feelings in your emotional love bank to draw upon in the future. And when both partners do this, there is a powerful synergistic effect which results in even greater feelings of closeness, passion and love.
Some of the most important emotional needs that people have in intimate relationships include needs for affection; admiration/appreciation; honesty and openness; financial contributions; stimulating conversation; sexual gratification; shared recreational interests; home/family contributions; and physical appearance/health. Sit down with your partner and discuss what each of your needs are, and how well your partner is currently meeting them. If you can consistently fulfill many of your partner’s emotional needs, you will find yourself in a passionate, loving, intimate relationship that is based on a deep, loving bond between two committed people. Unfortunately, many people make the mistake of waiting for loving feelings to be present (as they were in the beginning) to justify performing or giving loving actions toward their partner. This is exactly the opposite of how the real relationship which exists after the glow fades, where loving, caring actions elicit loving feelings in each other. If you sit around and wait for your partner to make you feel good before you engage in any caring behaviors, you will create at atmosphere of keeping score in which resentment rules and any genuine love will definitely fade away over time..
For more help in creating a passionate, loving, intimate relationship this Valentine’s Day and beyond, here are some great books with fabulous tools, exercises and insights to help you along: Hot Monogamy by Pat Love; Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard Markman and Scott Stanley; Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Willard Harley; and The Conscious Heart, by Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks.
The spirit of Valentine’s Day can be with you 365 days a year. Do something every day to continually create the best relationship you can, and you will enjoy a lifetime of lasting love with each other.
In a new relationship, we are all granted a free grace period where tremendous passion, aliveness and intensity is bestowed upon us with minimal effort. There is evidence that there is a physiological reason for this period of infatuation, where the brains of new lovers are saturated with higher levels of phenylethylamine (PEA), a naturally-occurring amphetamine-like neurotransmitter, creating a highly aroused state of body of mind. As a result, we are spontaneously loving, giving, thoughtful, affectionate, playful and passionate. The slightest touch can elicit fireworks and we are fully awake and present in each luscious moment. We are given this wonderful gift - a vision of what is possible to create with each other - and then our task is to transform that vision into reality. But what lies ahead after the glow wears off?
In the 1977 movie Annie Hall, Woody Allen and Diane Keaton confront this question by asking an elderly woman on the streets of Manhattan about the true nature of love. She looks at Woody sadly, shaking her head, and says, "Love fades, sonny." Yet just then, a young happy couple comes bounding their way, and a perplexed Woody asks them, "How do YOU do it? How do you stay so happy?" The man cheerfully replies, "Well I’m vain and shallow, and so is she! It works great!" and they run off laughing and kissing.
In reality, it is depth not shallowness that creates lasting love. And love doesn’t fade unless a couple allows it to fade. The Law of Entropy applies here: without a sustained effort toward keeping anything in the physical universe maintained or improved, things tend to deteriorate and go in the direction of disorder, whether it is your car, your home, your body or your love. People take their love for granted, and they slowly begin to drift apart, until suddenly they realize they are little more than roommates.
And how do you keep your love from fading? What specific efforts help keep the feelings alive and passionate? Although not easy to perform, the two-part answer is simple: Reduce or eliminate hurts and resentments, and create a closer bond by understanding and meeting your partner’s emotional needs.
You cannot simultaneously feel resentment and loving toward someone! So the first thing to do is clear up any hurts or resentments standing in the way of your wanting to be close. Listen to your partner’s concerns or resentments, validate their experience, and make whatever corrections or amends you need to help them fully resolve and let go of their issue.
Once you have resolved resentments, then you can get closer by giving your partner what they need to feel cared for. Genuine love is a series of small repeated kindnesses, but don’t assume you know what your partner needs to feel cared about until they tell you directly and specifically. Don’t make the mistake of the man we knew who spent over $900 on flowers for his wife, only to find out she hated flowers. Ask your partner what his or her favorite caring behaviors, and you will have the magic recipe for creating lasting love. By giving them what they need to feel cared for, to feel cherished and important, you build up an overflowing reservoir of positive feelings in your emotional love bank to draw upon in the future. And when both partners do this, there is a powerful synergistic effect which results in even greater feelings of closeness, passion and love.
Some of the most important emotional needs that people have in intimate relationships include needs for affection; admiration/appreciation; honesty and openness; financial contributions; stimulating conversation; sexual gratification; shared recreational interests; home/family contributions; and physical appearance/health. Sit down with your partner and discuss what each of your needs are, and how well your partner is currently meeting them. If you can consistently fulfill many of your partner’s emotional needs, you will find yourself in a passionate, loving, intimate relationship that is based on a deep, loving bond between two committed people. Unfortunately, many people make the mistake of waiting for loving feelings to be present (as they were in the beginning) to justify performing or giving loving actions toward their partner. This is exactly the opposite of how the real relationship which exists after the glow fades, where loving, caring actions elicit loving feelings in each other. If you sit around and wait for your partner to make you feel good before you engage in any caring behaviors, you will create at atmosphere of keeping score in which resentment rules and any genuine love will definitely fade away over time..
For more help in creating a passionate, loving, intimate relationship this Valentine’s Day and beyond, here are some great books with fabulous tools, exercises and insights to help you along: Hot Monogamy by Pat Love; Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard Markman and Scott Stanley; Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Willard Harley; and The Conscious Heart, by Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks.
The spirit of Valentine’s Day can be with you 365 days a year. Do something every day to continually create the best relationship you can, and you will enjoy a lifetime of lasting love with each other.
Warning Signs of Relationship Breakdown
One of the most useful recent research findings is the work which has identified the early warning signs of deterioration of an intimate relationship. Based on these signs, researchers have been able to predict with a very high degree of accuracy (about 90%) which relationships are likely to end within a few years. This information is crucial in accepting when your relationship is in serious need of more attention or help.
Dr. J. Gottman and colleagues at the University of Washington have found that there are four specific signs of deterioration of an intimate relationship. In order of increasing danger, they are listed below:
Criticism - instead of merely complaining, the person attacks and blames their partner's personality and/or character, such as "you are a selfish uncaring person";
Contempt - feedback with the intent to insult and/or psychologically abuse the partner, such as "you are more than stupid: a total idiot ";
Defensiveness - not being willing to listen to anything your partner has to say to you, out of fear of them hurting or attacking you; and
Stonewalling - ignoring, avoiding and distancing from your partner.
References: Gottman, J. M. (1993). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of Family Psychology, 7, 57-75; Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Books.
Dr. H. Markman and Dr. S. Stanley at the University of Colorado have also identified four warning signs of deterioration:
Escalation of negativity during the couples' interaction - an increase in complaining and criticism;
Invalidation of each other - not making attempts to understand each other's points of view;
Negative interpretation of neutral or positive events - when one person does or says something which is clearly meant to be neutral or even positive, but their partner interprets their intentions as being hostile or negative; and
Avoidance and withdrawal from partner.
References: Markman, H.J., Floyd, F.J., Stanley, S.M., & Storaasli, R.D. (1988) Prevention of marital distress: A longitudinal investigation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 56, 210-217; Markman, H., Stanley, S. and Blumberg, S. Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, 1994.
These research findings are very similar, despite completely different couples and research agendas. If you notice that your relationship is experiencing two or more of these signs, your relationship needs some extra help and attention.. An ounce of prevention can save an incredible amount of emotional, financial and physical pain.
Call us at (248) 546-0407 or email us at info@relationship-institute.com and let us show you how to resolve past hurts and resentments, and create a more loving, close, healthy relationship that can last a lifetime.
Dr. J. Gottman and colleagues at the University of Washington have found that there are four specific signs of deterioration of an intimate relationship. In order of increasing danger, they are listed below:
Criticism - instead of merely complaining, the person attacks and blames their partner's personality and/or character, such as "you are a selfish uncaring person";
Contempt - feedback with the intent to insult and/or psychologically abuse the partner, such as "you are more than stupid: a total idiot ";
Defensiveness - not being willing to listen to anything your partner has to say to you, out of fear of them hurting or attacking you; and
Stonewalling - ignoring, avoiding and distancing from your partner.
References: Gottman, J. M. (1993). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of Family Psychology, 7, 57-75; Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Books.
Dr. H. Markman and Dr. S. Stanley at the University of Colorado have also identified four warning signs of deterioration:
Escalation of negativity during the couples' interaction - an increase in complaining and criticism;
Invalidation of each other - not making attempts to understand each other's points of view;
Negative interpretation of neutral or positive events - when one person does or says something which is clearly meant to be neutral or even positive, but their partner interprets their intentions as being hostile or negative; and
Avoidance and withdrawal from partner.
References: Markman, H.J., Floyd, F.J., Stanley, S.M., & Storaasli, R.D. (1988) Prevention of marital distress: A longitudinal investigation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 56, 210-217; Markman, H., Stanley, S. and Blumberg, S. Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, 1994.
These research findings are very similar, despite completely different couples and research agendas. If you notice that your relationship is experiencing two or more of these signs, your relationship needs some extra help and attention.. An ounce of prevention can save an incredible amount of emotional, financial and physical pain.
Call us at (248) 546-0407 or email us at info@relationship-institute.com and let us show you how to resolve past hurts and resentments, and create a more loving, close, healthy relationship that can last a lifetime.
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