Everyone wants to be remembered for their originality, and especially so, when your trying to do something romantic for the one you love. If you can come up with a unusual romantic gift idea, you will contribute to making that moment memorable. In this article I will list a few unusual romantic gift ideas for you to choose from.
What makes the gift a unusual romantic gift?
Is it the gift? Or is it the thought that counts? Well, both actually, it does take a certain amount of effort in trying to come up with an unusual romantic gift that stands out from all the others. But with a little creativity, and imagination, I am sure you could come up with something awesome.
If your loved one is into a particular thing, such as Teddy Bears, try having a teddy bear holding a fortune cookie that says a love message on it, such as “will you marry me?” or, “Diane, I love you Beary much, will you be my valentine?” An unusual romantic gift is just as much from the heart as it is creative. The more you know your spouse, the easier the gift ideas will come to you.
If you two just found out your expecting, give your spouse the pregnant keychain or daddy’s tool belt full of baby items to have on his hip when the little one arrives. Are you getting the idea here? Think original, think I love you, and think of how you want to show it. Here are a few more unusual romantic gift ideas:
Unusual Romantic Gift Idea: For Valentines, or an Anniversary try getting a romance game, or a wickedly sensual scratch off cards, or “get lucky” dice that have “romantic tasks” on them, each roll has a new combination of ideas or instructions for a great unusual romantic gift idea.
Unusual Romantic Gift Idea: Create a scavenger hunt in your home, that leads to your bedroom, or dinner set up in the backyard by candlelight.
Unusual Romantic Gift Idea: Here is a truly original idea, a Bean plant full of love. Yep, you heard me right, a plant that grown in real soil and when the bean emerges it says “I love you” on it. Now THAT, is different and a truly unusual romantic gift.
Unusual Romantic Gift: Name a star after the one you love. They could never forget that. Every time the glance at the moon and the stars daydreaming of you, they have to think of you and your gesture.
Unusual Romantic Gift: Tell her she is a sex bomb, with a little candle bomb that says “ Your Hot! Or “ You make me explode!”
Unusual Romantic Gift: Jump Me Checkers Game….
For Valentine's Day, or any other day for that matter, play a game of checkers and end up with a night of romance… you will be lucky if you actually find out who the winner is of the game. Suddenly the request to "king me" takes on a whole new dynamic.
Thursday 23 April 2009
Why Do I Keep Having the Same Relationship Problems
Many people are baffled when they find themselves experiencing the same type of relationship problems, over and over again, with different partners or the same partner. They often conclude that it's the partner that is the problem, and feel victimized by the ubiquity of this issue. We, however, have a different stance on this, one that emphasizes personal responsibility. And one that is best exemplified by the the 1993 Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day. While many see this movie as another mindless, goofy Bill Murray movie, there is a deep, profound message here, for relationships in particular and life in general. On the surface, Murray plays a jaded weatherman who is forced to relive the same Groundhog Day over and over and over again until he learns how to truly love. Each morning he awakens to the horror that his life has not changed at all, that he is forced to repeat the same day over yet again, with the same small-town people he despises saying the same things and doing the same things they always do. No matter what he tries to do, even killing himself, every morning he is back in the exact same situation. There is no escape from his daily living nightmare. Without anyone to talk to who understands what he is going through, Murray engages in a very slow process of trial and error. He has all eternity to practice in, so he tries just about everything in an effort to get to another day.
Without realizing it, many people find themselves in Murray's situation, as they find themselves always waking up to the same type of intimate relationship, over and over again, year after year, regardless of who they are with. For some unknown reason, every partner they have ever been with doesn't quite have what it takes to give them the love they truly desire. Every relationship ultimately ends up in the same stale place, missing something essential, or repeating a unhealthy pattern of distance, unavailability, neglect or even abuse.
The lesson of Groundhog Day is that nothing will change in our lives until we change from the inside out. Our lives are a perpetual treadmill of opportunities for learning, constantly coming our way, again and again, until we heed the call and shift our attitudes, perceptions, feelings and/or behavior. As long as Murray used, manipulated and lied to people, to gratify his own ego and for his own selfish, condescending amusement, he kept getting the same results. It was only when he began to cultivate and act with genuine compassion, empathy and love for others that he got a different result. When he stopped blaming and feeling victimized by his situation and took responsibility for the fact that this was partially his own creation, it finally shifted.
So if you feel stuck on an endless treadmill of unfulfilling relationships, or no relationships at all, look inside for the answers. Who and what are you attracting into your life? What gratification do you get from reliving these behaviors and feelings over and over again? What needs to shift inside of you before you start getting a different result? What lesson have you not learned yet? What keeps coming up again and again in every relationship, or every attempt at trying to start a relationship? What is the universe trying so hard to tell you, that you just don't understand?
Like Murray, we have all of eternity to learn our lessons. We can bring our dysfunctional patterns from day to day, from relationship to relationship, or even from life to life, if we need to. But for many of us, there comes a point when the pain, frustration, loneliness or dissatisfaction cracks through our denial and defenses, and we realize that we are the ones who must change.
Many of us cannot see our own blind spots in relationships, and need the guidance of others to help us through the darkness. Fortunately, when we are ready to learn, to listen, and to discover the truth about ourselves and our relationships, we have many more options than Bill Murray's eternal trial and error. We can start right now with humility, remembering the wisdom of Suzuki Roshi, who said, "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities; in the expert's there are few." Admit that you are an "expert" at some dysfunctional relationship pattern that you may not even realize you are creating, so certain are you that it comes from someone else. By invoking your beginner's mind, with a genuine curiosity and wonder about yourself and your relationship patterns, you open up the possibility of new ideas, new learnings, new responsibilities, new attitudes and new behaviors entering into your consciousness, your relationships and your life. And like Bill Murray, there will come a day when you awaken to a different song on the radio and a different song in your heart. Only then can you experience a higher level of fulfillment, and begin to understand the next opportunity for learning which is patiently waiting for you, whenever you are ready to receive the call.
Without realizing it, many people find themselves in Murray's situation, as they find themselves always waking up to the same type of intimate relationship, over and over again, year after year, regardless of who they are with. For some unknown reason, every partner they have ever been with doesn't quite have what it takes to give them the love they truly desire. Every relationship ultimately ends up in the same stale place, missing something essential, or repeating a unhealthy pattern of distance, unavailability, neglect or even abuse.
The lesson of Groundhog Day is that nothing will change in our lives until we change from the inside out. Our lives are a perpetual treadmill of opportunities for learning, constantly coming our way, again and again, until we heed the call and shift our attitudes, perceptions, feelings and/or behavior. As long as Murray used, manipulated and lied to people, to gratify his own ego and for his own selfish, condescending amusement, he kept getting the same results. It was only when he began to cultivate and act with genuine compassion, empathy and love for others that he got a different result. When he stopped blaming and feeling victimized by his situation and took responsibility for the fact that this was partially his own creation, it finally shifted.
So if you feel stuck on an endless treadmill of unfulfilling relationships, or no relationships at all, look inside for the answers. Who and what are you attracting into your life? What gratification do you get from reliving these behaviors and feelings over and over again? What needs to shift inside of you before you start getting a different result? What lesson have you not learned yet? What keeps coming up again and again in every relationship, or every attempt at trying to start a relationship? What is the universe trying so hard to tell you, that you just don't understand?
Like Murray, we have all of eternity to learn our lessons. We can bring our dysfunctional patterns from day to day, from relationship to relationship, or even from life to life, if we need to. But for many of us, there comes a point when the pain, frustration, loneliness or dissatisfaction cracks through our denial and defenses, and we realize that we are the ones who must change.
Many of us cannot see our own blind spots in relationships, and need the guidance of others to help us through the darkness. Fortunately, when we are ready to learn, to listen, and to discover the truth about ourselves and our relationships, we have many more options than Bill Murray's eternal trial and error. We can start right now with humility, remembering the wisdom of Suzuki Roshi, who said, "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities; in the expert's there are few." Admit that you are an "expert" at some dysfunctional relationship pattern that you may not even realize you are creating, so certain are you that it comes from someone else. By invoking your beginner's mind, with a genuine curiosity and wonder about yourself and your relationship patterns, you open up the possibility of new ideas, new learnings, new responsibilities, new attitudes and new behaviors entering into your consciousness, your relationships and your life. And like Bill Murray, there will come a day when you awaken to a different song on the radio and a different song in your heart. Only then can you experience a higher level of fulfillment, and begin to understand the next opportunity for learning which is patiently waiting for you, whenever you are ready to receive the call.
The Most Common Parenting Mistake Of All
Becoming a parent, especially for the first time, is an exciting but scary experience. You'll be entering a whole new world where different rules apply, and no matter how prepared you think you are, there's usually little you've experienced before which you can draw on when making the choices and snap decisions that will become a major part of your life once the little one arrives.
It's for this reason that there's an abundance of parenting advice available which you can use to inform your decisions. There are print magazines packed with useful advice, web sites with tons of articles to peruse, not to mention the well meaning but sometimes irritating advice and opinions of family and friends. Despite all this information being available, most parents are terrified that they're somehow not up to the job and will do it wrong, and herein lies the most common parenting mistake of all: not trusting in your own judgment and instincts.
However intimidating the prospect is of having ultimate responsibility for the nurture of a new and precious life, you should be in no doubt that you have exactly the skills and capabilities you'll need over the coming years.
Think about it. As human beings, we're all parenting specialists. In evolutionary and genetic terms, our whole existence is geared towards producing and nurturing offspring, and over the millions of years that the human species has been developing we've become generally incredibly good at it. You only need to watch a mother and child together to know that however difficult the process may seem, bringing up a child is the most natural thing in the world, and something for which each and every parent to be has the necessary skills to make a success of it if they make it their number one focus.
Of course, this doesn't mean that you should ignore all advice. After all, the experience handed down from generation to generation is absolutely vital and is how civilization developed in the first place. Not one of us has all the answers, we all need input from others in all kinds of situations.
But trust in your own capabilities as a parent above all else, and trust in your own ability to make the best of all the advice and support that's out there. That way you'll definitely be the best parent your child could ever have.
Article Source: http://marriagearticles.net
Andrea writes for Information Warehouse which has more articles on parenting and other family issues.
It's for this reason that there's an abundance of parenting advice available which you can use to inform your decisions. There are print magazines packed with useful advice, web sites with tons of articles to peruse, not to mention the well meaning but sometimes irritating advice and opinions of family and friends. Despite all this information being available, most parents are terrified that they're somehow not up to the job and will do it wrong, and herein lies the most common parenting mistake of all: not trusting in your own judgment and instincts.
However intimidating the prospect is of having ultimate responsibility for the nurture of a new and precious life, you should be in no doubt that you have exactly the skills and capabilities you'll need over the coming years.
Think about it. As human beings, we're all parenting specialists. In evolutionary and genetic terms, our whole existence is geared towards producing and nurturing offspring, and over the millions of years that the human species has been developing we've become generally incredibly good at it. You only need to watch a mother and child together to know that however difficult the process may seem, bringing up a child is the most natural thing in the world, and something for which each and every parent to be has the necessary skills to make a success of it if they make it their number one focus.
Of course, this doesn't mean that you should ignore all advice. After all, the experience handed down from generation to generation is absolutely vital and is how civilization developed in the first place. Not one of us has all the answers, we all need input from others in all kinds of situations.
But trust in your own capabilities as a parent above all else, and trust in your own ability to make the best of all the advice and support that's out there. That way you'll definitely be the best parent your child could ever have.
Article Source: http://marriagearticles.net
Andrea writes for Information Warehouse which has more articles on parenting and other family issues.
Creating Intimacy, Creating Distance
At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, we believe every person in a relationship is responsible for co-creating whatever they experience in the relationship. If you are in a relationship, review the two lists below and see what you are creating more of: intimacy or distance. If you want to create more intimacy, this list is a good guideline for how to do so behaviorally. If you are unable or unwilling to do the things on this list consistently, you may need help in learning how to do so, either through Individual Therapy or Couples Therapy.
FACTORS WHICH PROMOTE INTIMACY AND CLOSENESS BETWEEN PARTNERS:
*
regular, consistent attention for one another and the relationship
*
respect for one another and the relationship
*
regular healthy verbal communication
*
regular physical contact (frequency and type mutually agreed upon)
*
frequent eye contact -passion, excitement and fun together
*
promotion of physical and emotional safety at all times
*
spontaneous surprises on occasion
*
regular expression of caring & tenderness as defined by your partner
*
regular expression of feelings
*
using conflict resolution skills when conflict emerges
*
creating regular time alone together, without distraction
*
anger and resentments expressed and resolved
*
realistic expectations which are regularly communicated
*
asking for what you want
*
saying and/or doing what is truthful and honest for you
*
being honest and straightforward with your partner
*
acceptance of your partner's personality and characteristics
*
promoting your partner's growth as an individual
*
taking responsibility for your relationship/life problems
*
understanding the impact of your family of origin on your relationship
*
taking the time to listen to what your partner thinks and feels
*
living in the present and envisioning a positive future together
*
emphasize solutions and positivity
FACTORS WHICH PROMOTE DISTANCE BETWEEN PARTNERS:
*
lack of attention to one another and the relationship
*
lack of respect for one another and the relationship
*
lack of healthy verbal communication
*
lack of physical contact
*
lack of eye contact
*
lack of passion, excitement and fun together
*
verbal, physical and/or emotional abuse
*
predictable, routine interactions
*
few expressions of caring & tenderness
*
unexpressed feelings
*
avoiding conflict or avoiding resolution of conflict
*
avoiding time alone together
*
presence of unspoken or unresolved anger and resentment
*
unexpressed or unrealistic expectations and assumptions
*
being afraid to ask for what you want
*
saying and/or doing only what you think your partner wants
*
lying, deceiving, game playing, passive aggression
*
trying to change your partner's basic character
*
stifling your partners' growth as an individual
*
blaming your partner for most or all of your relationship/life problems
*
ignoring the impact of your family of origin on your relationship
*
assuming your know what your partner thinks and feels
*
living in the past
*
emphasize problems and negativity
FACTORS WHICH PROMOTE INTIMACY AND CLOSENESS BETWEEN PARTNERS:
*
regular, consistent attention for one another and the relationship
*
respect for one another and the relationship
*
regular healthy verbal communication
*
regular physical contact (frequency and type mutually agreed upon)
*
frequent eye contact -passion, excitement and fun together
*
promotion of physical and emotional safety at all times
*
spontaneous surprises on occasion
*
regular expression of caring & tenderness as defined by your partner
*
regular expression of feelings
*
using conflict resolution skills when conflict emerges
*
creating regular time alone together, without distraction
*
anger and resentments expressed and resolved
*
realistic expectations which are regularly communicated
*
asking for what you want
*
saying and/or doing what is truthful and honest for you
*
being honest and straightforward with your partner
*
acceptance of your partner's personality and characteristics
*
promoting your partner's growth as an individual
*
taking responsibility for your relationship/life problems
*
understanding the impact of your family of origin on your relationship
*
taking the time to listen to what your partner thinks and feels
*
living in the present and envisioning a positive future together
*
emphasize solutions and positivity
FACTORS WHICH PROMOTE DISTANCE BETWEEN PARTNERS:
*
lack of attention to one another and the relationship
*
lack of respect for one another and the relationship
*
lack of healthy verbal communication
*
lack of physical contact
*
lack of eye contact
*
lack of passion, excitement and fun together
*
verbal, physical and/or emotional abuse
*
predictable, routine interactions
*
few expressions of caring & tenderness
*
unexpressed feelings
*
avoiding conflict or avoiding resolution of conflict
*
avoiding time alone together
*
presence of unspoken or unresolved anger and resentment
*
unexpressed or unrealistic expectations and assumptions
*
being afraid to ask for what you want
*
saying and/or doing only what you think your partner wants
*
lying, deceiving, game playing, passive aggression
*
trying to change your partner's basic character
*
stifling your partners' growth as an individual
*
blaming your partner for most or all of your relationship/life problems
*
ignoring the impact of your family of origin on your relationship
*
assuming your know what your partner thinks and feels
*
living in the past
*
emphasize problems and negativity
Creating an Honest, Truthful Relationship
One of the greatest joys and challenges of conscious, intimate relationships is that when we answer the call to love, we are invited to expand upon who we think we are, who we have been and what we feel and think we are capable of. We are invited by forces larger than ourselves to become a more complete, fuller, more loving human being. We are asked to participate in a process that is at once mysterious, exhilarating and terrifying.
When we answer this most compelling call, a part of us dives headlong into the fray, eager for the possibility of a deeper, more intimate connection than we have experienced before. Recent research indicates that during the early stages of being in love, our brains may secrete a powerful amphetamine-like neurotransmitter called phenylethylamine, bathing our central nervous system with an overdose of nature's most potent love cocktail. We are filled with ecstasy and vision and all our circuits are brilliantly lit up. In this heavenly state we are capable of extraordinary acts of unselfish love and caring that occur almost effortlessly.
When we return to earth, however, we are left with our vision of who we can be and the reality of who we think we are. The call to love is always to go deeper and farther than before and if we choose to answer the call, we will inevitably be confronted with a series of choices. One choice is to make a conscious decision of how committed we are to the truth. Have you been committed to truth in your previous relationships? If not, what was the consequence of not committing to truth? And now that you re in a new relationship, are you going to make a conscious commitment for the fullest, deepest, most honest connection you can or are you going to settle for less than that? How far do you want to try to go together? We encourage couples to discuss this openly and consciously, rather than let it play out unconsciously and indirectly as it so often does.
Every time we act and speak from truth, we invite our partner to do the same. Our journey continues to expand and deepen. The equation is simple: Truth = Love = Deeper Connection = Expansion = Greater Opening to Spirit. But if commitment to truth brings such wonderful things to our lives, why is it so rare and so hard? Why are there so many lies, so many affairs, so much hurt and anger being acted out indirectly? Whenever we consider lying to ourselves or our partners, we generally do so to protect some part of ourselves which feels afraid or inadequate. We want to appear better than we are and a little white lie won't hurt anyway, we tell ourselves. It's not really a big deal. What they don't know won't hurt them. We believe it IS a big deal if you compromise and limit the vision of love that the two of you have been called to create. It IS a big deal if you damage the foundation of trust which underlies any successful partnership. It IS a big deal if you re-create patterns of secrets and hiding that you learned in your families of origin. It IS a big deal if you set a precedent of withholding or distorting the honest reality that you experience individually and together. Each time that we distort the truth, we constrict and limit our original call to love and restrict the depth of what we can become. We slip back into the cocoon of our limiting beliefs about ourselves and what we are capable of as human beings.
When we work with couples and encourage them to make a solid commitment to the truth, they often say things like, ''Well I'm afraid to tell her what I really feel... she might leave me'' or ''If he knew that I had done that, he'll hate me forever, so I can't tell him'' or ''If she knew that I wanted to do X, Y and Z sexually, she'd think I was sick.'' At the core, it's always a fear that the truth will not set you free but will unleash a torrent of anger or rejection. But if your relationship cannot handle the truth, then what do you have anyway? If you and your partner are merely colluding with each other to stay in safe territory and avoid difficult issues, then you are settling for much less than what your call to love has invited you to experience.
Commitment to the truth can be uncomfortable and scary at times, but it is also the surest path to ongoing growth and deepening connection available to conscious relationship partners. We encourage everyone to make that commitment and pass it on through words and deeds to your children. If you have struggled with this in the past, be honest about that. And take steps to understand why you might have been less than honest. What healing needs to take place within you so that you no longer need to hide or appear different than who you really are? And remember, the commitment to the truth is not a commitment to always talking about something negative! The truth can be how grateful you feel to be in this relationship or how wonderful it feels to be with someone who shares your vision of an intimate relationship.
We are all capable of greater acts of love and truth than we may believe. We are all capable of being more honest, more clear, more loving, more unselfish. By honoring the original vision that called us to love at this time, we can commit to the truth of what we are experiencing and commit to communicating it to our partners on a regular basis. That is the process that truly will set you and your partner free - to experience the deepest and highest connection possible.
If you or your partner are having difficulty manifesting truth and honesty in your relationship, or there has been a betrayal of trust in the past or present, call us at (248) 546-0407 and let us show you how you can heal the hurts and resentments from the past and create a healthy, loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
When we answer this most compelling call, a part of us dives headlong into the fray, eager for the possibility of a deeper, more intimate connection than we have experienced before. Recent research indicates that during the early stages of being in love, our brains may secrete a powerful amphetamine-like neurotransmitter called phenylethylamine, bathing our central nervous system with an overdose of nature's most potent love cocktail. We are filled with ecstasy and vision and all our circuits are brilliantly lit up. In this heavenly state we are capable of extraordinary acts of unselfish love and caring that occur almost effortlessly.
When we return to earth, however, we are left with our vision of who we can be and the reality of who we think we are. The call to love is always to go deeper and farther than before and if we choose to answer the call, we will inevitably be confronted with a series of choices. One choice is to make a conscious decision of how committed we are to the truth. Have you been committed to truth in your previous relationships? If not, what was the consequence of not committing to truth? And now that you re in a new relationship, are you going to make a conscious commitment for the fullest, deepest, most honest connection you can or are you going to settle for less than that? How far do you want to try to go together? We encourage couples to discuss this openly and consciously, rather than let it play out unconsciously and indirectly as it so often does.
Every time we act and speak from truth, we invite our partner to do the same. Our journey continues to expand and deepen. The equation is simple: Truth = Love = Deeper Connection = Expansion = Greater Opening to Spirit. But if commitment to truth brings such wonderful things to our lives, why is it so rare and so hard? Why are there so many lies, so many affairs, so much hurt and anger being acted out indirectly? Whenever we consider lying to ourselves or our partners, we generally do so to protect some part of ourselves which feels afraid or inadequate. We want to appear better than we are and a little white lie won't hurt anyway, we tell ourselves. It's not really a big deal. What they don't know won't hurt them. We believe it IS a big deal if you compromise and limit the vision of love that the two of you have been called to create. It IS a big deal if you damage the foundation of trust which underlies any successful partnership. It IS a big deal if you re-create patterns of secrets and hiding that you learned in your families of origin. It IS a big deal if you set a precedent of withholding or distorting the honest reality that you experience individually and together. Each time that we distort the truth, we constrict and limit our original call to love and restrict the depth of what we can become. We slip back into the cocoon of our limiting beliefs about ourselves and what we are capable of as human beings.
When we work with couples and encourage them to make a solid commitment to the truth, they often say things like, ''Well I'm afraid to tell her what I really feel... she might leave me'' or ''If he knew that I had done that, he'll hate me forever, so I can't tell him'' or ''If she knew that I wanted to do X, Y and Z sexually, she'd think I was sick.'' At the core, it's always a fear that the truth will not set you free but will unleash a torrent of anger or rejection. But if your relationship cannot handle the truth, then what do you have anyway? If you and your partner are merely colluding with each other to stay in safe territory and avoid difficult issues, then you are settling for much less than what your call to love has invited you to experience.
Commitment to the truth can be uncomfortable and scary at times, but it is also the surest path to ongoing growth and deepening connection available to conscious relationship partners. We encourage everyone to make that commitment and pass it on through words and deeds to your children. If you have struggled with this in the past, be honest about that. And take steps to understand why you might have been less than honest. What healing needs to take place within you so that you no longer need to hide or appear different than who you really are? And remember, the commitment to the truth is not a commitment to always talking about something negative! The truth can be how grateful you feel to be in this relationship or how wonderful it feels to be with someone who shares your vision of an intimate relationship.
We are all capable of greater acts of love and truth than we may believe. We are all capable of being more honest, more clear, more loving, more unselfish. By honoring the original vision that called us to love at this time, we can commit to the truth of what we are experiencing and commit to communicating it to our partners on a regular basis. That is the process that truly will set you and your partner free - to experience the deepest and highest connection possible.
If you or your partner are having difficulty manifesting truth and honesty in your relationship, or there has been a betrayal of trust in the past or present, call us at (248) 546-0407 and let us show you how you can heal the hurts and resentments from the past and create a healthy, loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
Being Single in a Couples’ World
Being single in today’s world can be very challenging in a number of ways. On a material level, it’s difficult to be solely responsible for your existence, and to find the time to keep up with everything in your life. But it can be even more challenging socially and emotionally given the frenetic pace and impersonal tone of our technology-dominated culture. In any given day, we may have more electronic contacts than human ones. And while email, voice mail and telephones are wonderful tools, they don’t address the heart’s deeper yearning for authentic human connection. In our workshops with singles, we frequently hear people express frustrations about their single lifestyle. We hear that there are no ‘quality singles’ out there, that ‘all the good ones are taken’ and that everything in our culture is geared for couples. We fervently believe that all of these are false, and if you are single, we would like to offer some positive tips and resources to help you enjoy your single lifestyle to the max, whether or not you are focusing attention on creating an intimate relationship.
To begin with, it’s important to realize that there are more adult singles than ever before! There are over 35 million adult singles over the age of 25 in the U.S., and over ½ million right here in southeastern Michigan. So there are plenty of potential kindred souls to connect with. As for the ‘quality’ issue, we all attract and resonate with whatever energy we create. So if you want more quality people in your life, take responsibility in becoming a more quality person yourself, whatever that means to you, and you will find similar people attracted to your energy.
The good news is that in addition to there being an abundance of singles in the world today, there are also more easy and efficient ways to meet them than ever before, whether you’re interested in friendship or romance. There are numerous excellent social and recreational singles’ groups in our area, with almost every possible interest and lifestyle choice represented. New single friends are literally just a phone call or click away (we maintain a list of singles’ groups and resources in southeastern Michigan on our web site, and can also mail a free copy to anyone who wants one).
There are also free or inexpensive Internet-based personal ads and chat rooms to help singles connect. Our bias is that real live human connections are deeper and more meaningful than electronic ones, so we recommend using the Internet to meet friends or dating partners locally, and then as soon as possible try to meet in person. Also, we urge caution in contacting dating partners through the Internet, since the possibility of misrepresenting oneself is higher than in any other medium. To keep things safe, we recommend that women not give out their home phone number or address to someone they have never met in person, and everyone should have an initial face-to-face meeting in a public place during daytime hours.
What about this idea that ‘all the good ones are taken’? This implies that all the good partners end up in committed relationships while they’re young and are never again available. But the reality is that many people experience the most profound growth only after a painful relationship ends, whatever their age. By by dealing with the breakup consciously they become far wiser and healthy than they ever were before. ‘Good ones’ aren’t all taken, in fact new ‘good ones’ are being created every day! There are an abundant number of people who have personally and spiritually grown from their life lessons and right now are emotionally and physically available to create the best relationship of their life.
Lastly, regarding the ‘couples culture’ we live in, while it’s true that many activities are geared for couples and families, it’s also true that today there are more activities than ever before exclusively created for singles. However, as a single person you may have to exert more effort to find them than a couple does. But this underscores the larger issue that if you’re single, you need to adopt a positive, proactive, responsible attitude toward your single life. No one will come knocking on your door and ask you to dinner or to play volleyball or go canoeing. But with the proper attitude and effort, a huge range of people and activities are available for you. In this sense, being single affords you a fabulous opportunity to learn a most precious life lesson: without anyone else there to blame for your woes or to pick you up when you’re down, you can literally see how day-by-day you are creating your reality and lifestyle though every choice, every decision, and every fear and self-imposed limitation that you choose to not resolve. And if you prefer a different life experience, you have the power to choose to create that as well.
It’s also essential to develop a positive support system of single friends, who will help you deal with the inevitable ups and downs of life, and be there for you when you need physical, emotional or even financial help. Far too many singles isolate themselves and then have no emotional safety net to fall back on. Or they start dating someone, but have no help in assessing how healthy their new relationship really is, and may not see some obvious areas of incompatibility that a loving friend could easily point out.
Being in a relationship and being single are really just two different sides of the same life coin: both have challenges, both have freedoms, both have lessons, and both are wonderful opportunities to learn to become the best person you can be and fully express the gifts you came to this life with.
To begin with, it’s important to realize that there are more adult singles than ever before! There are over 35 million adult singles over the age of 25 in the U.S., and over ½ million right here in southeastern Michigan. So there are plenty of potential kindred souls to connect with. As for the ‘quality’ issue, we all attract and resonate with whatever energy we create. So if you want more quality people in your life, take responsibility in becoming a more quality person yourself, whatever that means to you, and you will find similar people attracted to your energy.
The good news is that in addition to there being an abundance of singles in the world today, there are also more easy and efficient ways to meet them than ever before, whether you’re interested in friendship or romance. There are numerous excellent social and recreational singles’ groups in our area, with almost every possible interest and lifestyle choice represented. New single friends are literally just a phone call or click away (we maintain a list of singles’ groups and resources in southeastern Michigan on our web site, and can also mail a free copy to anyone who wants one).
There are also free or inexpensive Internet-based personal ads and chat rooms to help singles connect. Our bias is that real live human connections are deeper and more meaningful than electronic ones, so we recommend using the Internet to meet friends or dating partners locally, and then as soon as possible try to meet in person. Also, we urge caution in contacting dating partners through the Internet, since the possibility of misrepresenting oneself is higher than in any other medium. To keep things safe, we recommend that women not give out their home phone number or address to someone they have never met in person, and everyone should have an initial face-to-face meeting in a public place during daytime hours.
What about this idea that ‘all the good ones are taken’? This implies that all the good partners end up in committed relationships while they’re young and are never again available. But the reality is that many people experience the most profound growth only after a painful relationship ends, whatever their age. By by dealing with the breakup consciously they become far wiser and healthy than they ever were before. ‘Good ones’ aren’t all taken, in fact new ‘good ones’ are being created every day! There are an abundant number of people who have personally and spiritually grown from their life lessons and right now are emotionally and physically available to create the best relationship of their life.
Lastly, regarding the ‘couples culture’ we live in, while it’s true that many activities are geared for couples and families, it’s also true that today there are more activities than ever before exclusively created for singles. However, as a single person you may have to exert more effort to find them than a couple does. But this underscores the larger issue that if you’re single, you need to adopt a positive, proactive, responsible attitude toward your single life. No one will come knocking on your door and ask you to dinner or to play volleyball or go canoeing. But with the proper attitude and effort, a huge range of people and activities are available for you. In this sense, being single affords you a fabulous opportunity to learn a most precious life lesson: without anyone else there to blame for your woes or to pick you up when you’re down, you can literally see how day-by-day you are creating your reality and lifestyle though every choice, every decision, and every fear and self-imposed limitation that you choose to not resolve. And if you prefer a different life experience, you have the power to choose to create that as well.
It’s also essential to develop a positive support system of single friends, who will help you deal with the inevitable ups and downs of life, and be there for you when you need physical, emotional or even financial help. Far too many singles isolate themselves and then have no emotional safety net to fall back on. Or they start dating someone, but have no help in assessing how healthy their new relationship really is, and may not see some obvious areas of incompatibility that a loving friend could easily point out.
Being in a relationship and being single are really just two different sides of the same life coin: both have challenges, both have freedoms, both have lessons, and both are wonderful opportunities to learn to become the best person you can be and fully express the gifts you came to this life with.
Are You Really Available
One of the questions which often comes up in our relationship work involves how available people are for a healthy relationship. As someone at a recent workshop cried out, "No one today has time for a relationship!" Singles often have a difficult time plugging into a new dating partner’s busy lifestyle, and may see their dates as being essentially unavailable for creating a deep, intimate relationship. Couples in a committed relationship may complain that their partner is consumed and distracted by everything but their relationship: they may be around physically, but never seem to want to connect in any meaningful way. Indeed, in our crazy, driven, time-starved world, it often seems as if our adult relationships take the lowest priority.
There are various levels of availability for intimate connection. While physical availability is the most obvious one, being physically present is no guarantee of intimacy, as many married people will tell you. Being in the same house or room or even bed with someone else can still feel very lonely if the two people are not in sync and do not connect. Nonetheless, consistent physical availability is a necessary prerequisite for deeper levels of intimacy to occur.
After physical presence, the next level of availability is sporadic emotional availability. On this level, both partners are capable of being emotionally present with their own feelings, as well as with the feelings of their partner. The capacity to communicate to your partner what you are feeling is also present at this level. However, while the capacity for being emotionally available is present, the willingness to choose to do so on a consistent basis is limited. At this level, each person engages in some forms of withholding of parts of themselves which results in inconsistent availability. This withholding can manifest in any number of ways, such as inconsistent time schedules; shutting down or withdrawing emotionally; avoiding difficult topics; or numbing feelings through food, drugs, work or sex.
The deepest level of availability is what we call conscious emotional availability, where the capacity to be fully present and mindful of your own emotional process, as well as your partner's, is present most of the time. In this level, the capacity for being emotionally available is present, and there is a strong willingness to use that capacity. Authentic feelings are acknowledged and communicated on a consistent basis, whether they are positive or negative. Joy and bliss can comfortably co-exist with sadness and despair, for there is a commitment to sharing the truth of one’s experiences with one’s partner.
Why are so many of us unavailable for this deepest level of human connection? Isn’t the need for bonding a fundamental human desire? Why do we create these complex, overextended busy lives, which Shakespeare aptly described as being "...full of sound and fury, signifying nothing", while our heart’s deepest desires go unmet? This answer is clear: we are unavailable when we are afraid. We want true love but are terrified of how it may hurt us, how it may recreate some painful experience, how we may be abandoned or smothered or lose our familiar identity. So we make sure that there is no room in our lives for genuine love to blossom. We stay in control, and keep the unpredictability and vulnerability of genuine intimacy at a safe distance.
Many people think they are available when they really are not. We have seen this demonstrated countless times in intensive work with singles and couples. When presented with all the tools, knowledge, support and guidance possible to create more intimacy in their lives, the fears take over and they sabotage, distance, avoid or deny.
How available are you? This is really the only question about availability you need to ask! If you are attracting unavailable partners, there is something unavailable in you. How available are you to yourself on a deep level? Our relationship with others is but a reflection of our relationship with our inner self. Reflect on what you may be running away from within yourself with your endless external activities.
How can you make yourself more available to present or future partners? Be gentle and compassionate with yourself and begin by becoming fully available to all aspects of who you are. Discover what your fears and barriers to intimacy are, and take steps to remove them. If you find yourself running away or afraid of certain aspects of intimacy, get some help from someone who has been down that path themselves. Strip away the barriers to availability and notice what comes up for me, mindfully, consciously, and lovingly. For when you are fully available for conscious emotional connection with yourself, you will attract the same energy into your life from others.Creating and maintaining a healthy relationship is quite similar to creating and maintaining a beautiful garden. If the gardener is unavailable to tend the garden, the consequences are quickly revealed. Similarly, relationships need time and open communication to weed the inevitable hurts and resentments that occur. Consistent time to bond on a physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual level is necessary to water the roots of your love. Like a plant, your love is a living, breathing, organic process that will get stagnant or eventually wither away and even die if both of you are not consistently available to keep it healthy.
Authentic, genuine love is safe. Not loving is far riskier to human life and health than opening yourself to love. So cancel some of those appointments in your Day-Timer. Delete those lines on your To-Do List in your Palm Pilot. Take a deep breath and make room in your life and in your heart for more love to come in: what better use of your time and your life could there possibly be other than giving and receiving deeper, more authentic love?
There are various levels of availability for intimate connection. While physical availability is the most obvious one, being physically present is no guarantee of intimacy, as many married people will tell you. Being in the same house or room or even bed with someone else can still feel very lonely if the two people are not in sync and do not connect. Nonetheless, consistent physical availability is a necessary prerequisite for deeper levels of intimacy to occur.
After physical presence, the next level of availability is sporadic emotional availability. On this level, both partners are capable of being emotionally present with their own feelings, as well as with the feelings of their partner. The capacity to communicate to your partner what you are feeling is also present at this level. However, while the capacity for being emotionally available is present, the willingness to choose to do so on a consistent basis is limited. At this level, each person engages in some forms of withholding of parts of themselves which results in inconsistent availability. This withholding can manifest in any number of ways, such as inconsistent time schedules; shutting down or withdrawing emotionally; avoiding difficult topics; or numbing feelings through food, drugs, work or sex.
The deepest level of availability is what we call conscious emotional availability, where the capacity to be fully present and mindful of your own emotional process, as well as your partner's, is present most of the time. In this level, the capacity for being emotionally available is present, and there is a strong willingness to use that capacity. Authentic feelings are acknowledged and communicated on a consistent basis, whether they are positive or negative. Joy and bliss can comfortably co-exist with sadness and despair, for there is a commitment to sharing the truth of one’s experiences with one’s partner.
Why are so many of us unavailable for this deepest level of human connection? Isn’t the need for bonding a fundamental human desire? Why do we create these complex, overextended busy lives, which Shakespeare aptly described as being "...full of sound and fury, signifying nothing", while our heart’s deepest desires go unmet? This answer is clear: we are unavailable when we are afraid. We want true love but are terrified of how it may hurt us, how it may recreate some painful experience, how we may be abandoned or smothered or lose our familiar identity. So we make sure that there is no room in our lives for genuine love to blossom. We stay in control, and keep the unpredictability and vulnerability of genuine intimacy at a safe distance.
Many people think they are available when they really are not. We have seen this demonstrated countless times in intensive work with singles and couples. When presented with all the tools, knowledge, support and guidance possible to create more intimacy in their lives, the fears take over and they sabotage, distance, avoid or deny.
How available are you? This is really the only question about availability you need to ask! If you are attracting unavailable partners, there is something unavailable in you. How available are you to yourself on a deep level? Our relationship with others is but a reflection of our relationship with our inner self. Reflect on what you may be running away from within yourself with your endless external activities.
How can you make yourself more available to present or future partners? Be gentle and compassionate with yourself and begin by becoming fully available to all aspects of who you are. Discover what your fears and barriers to intimacy are, and take steps to remove them. If you find yourself running away or afraid of certain aspects of intimacy, get some help from someone who has been down that path themselves. Strip away the barriers to availability and notice what comes up for me, mindfully, consciously, and lovingly. For when you are fully available for conscious emotional connection with yourself, you will attract the same energy into your life from others.Creating and maintaining a healthy relationship is quite similar to creating and maintaining a beautiful garden. If the gardener is unavailable to tend the garden, the consequences are quickly revealed. Similarly, relationships need time and open communication to weed the inevitable hurts and resentments that occur. Consistent time to bond on a physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual level is necessary to water the roots of your love. Like a plant, your love is a living, breathing, organic process that will get stagnant or eventually wither away and even die if both of you are not consistently available to keep it healthy.
Authentic, genuine love is safe. Not loving is far riskier to human life and health than opening yourself to love. So cancel some of those appointments in your Day-Timer. Delete those lines on your To-Do List in your Palm Pilot. Take a deep breath and make room in your life and in your heart for more love to come in: what better use of your time and your life could there possibly be other than giving and receiving deeper, more authentic love?
Are You or Your Partner Addicted to Drama
We are all familiar with chemical addictions to intoxicating substances such as alcohol or cocaine. Sex, work and internet use are also frequently mentioned as aspects of life that can be used addictively. The least recognized addiction in our society, however, may be the addiction to drama which manifests in so many relationships. While drama is a legitimate category of cinema and theater, as an addictive process in relationships it refers to an ongoing dysfunctional need to continually recreate unsafe and unhealthy emotional intensity in one's relationships.
What is the attraction to drama? The drama addict is hooked on the adrenaline rush of relationships and people that appear wildly exciting in their intensity. But don't confuse these ''exciting'' qualities with love: lots of intense conflict, punctuated with yelling, screaming, throwing things, as well as verbal and physical abuse; frequent dramatic breakups and passionate makeups; ongoing lying and cheating; withholding of truth; betrayal of trust; emotional and/or physical affairs; spying on each other; poor or non-existent boundaries; and racing from the height of ecstasy to the pit of despair in an out-of-control emotional roller coaster.
Drama addiction is so supported and even honored in our media that it has become transparent for many people. Portrayals of relationships in the movies and soap operas often involve a degree of lying, deception, affairs and general dysfunction in far greater proportion than exists in real lives. And nowhere is this expressed more blatantly than on talk shows, often seen as the lowest common denominator of sensationalistic programming.
We had a fascinating glimpse into the inner world of television talk shows last year when we were invited to be expert guests on a national talk show that was to discuss healthy ways for couples to handle infidelity. We made it clear that we would not participate in a sensationalistic show and we were reassured repeatedly that this would be a quality show where issues about infidelity would be discussed in a healthy manner. We were briefed ahead of time about the guests scheduled to appear on the show and felt comfortable with the setup. Once we were in the studio, however, the host and producer of the show kept changing the format and even changing the guests. And just two minutes before we were to go on, we were informed of a ''slight change'' whereby the entire show was totally changed, resulting in the exact kind of sensationalistic show we said we wouldn't be part of. We ended up walking off the show, much to the consternation of the producer, who tried in vain to manipulate us through guilt, intimidation and even verbal abuse into staying and doing the show.
In the meantime, we felt betrayed and lied to. Not even one part of what we were told ahead of time was part of the actual show that aired. Out on the street, we came upon an angry group of ''guests'' who never appeared on the actual show, though they were all told they would be. We and all the other guests had willingly participated in an unhealthy dramatic relationship, lured by the promise of our 15 minutes of fame. And when it was over, everyone felt cheap and used, angry and empty.
This is precisely what happens in relationships characterized by drama addiction. People in these relationships have very little capacity for empathic sharing and selfless companionship, both of which are essential qualities in genuine love. Dramatic love relationships are essentially self-serving and when the person can no longer supply the necessary ''high,'' they are abandoned. In the end, the people involved feel isolated, alone, their emotional needs unmet. But they quickly move on, to find the next trigger for their addiction and to distract and numb themselves from the pain and emptiness inside.
When someone feels a need to continually create drama in their lives and relationships, this is often a compensation for an underlying emptiness or depression in their lives. Often such people have not yet connected with their true life purpose or inner aliveness. In fact, they may only feel alive when they get that familiar adrenaline rush that lets them know they have created another messy situation. Other people who create dramatic relationships may have successfully dealt with other addictions and have transferred their need for excitement and intensity to relationships.
If you recognize yourself as a drama addict, examine the types of relationships you have created in the present and past. Did you mistake intensity or need or lust or drama for love? What did you do to promote the drama? How did you handle conflict in yourself and your partner? What information did you withhold? What provoking remarks or behavior did you engage in?
If you come from drama in your family, your brain is preset to resonate with feelings of chemistry and infatuation with someone from a similar background. Once you understand that what you thought was love is really drama addiction, your journey of healing and path to genuine love can begin. Slow down and de-intensify your next relationship. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Recognize that true love is not a consistently intense feeling but rather a series of actions, hundreds and thousands of small repeated kindnesses, many of which may not be as dramatic or intoxicating as running out of your home and slamming the door at 3 am during a fight. But the cumulative effect of these repeated kindnesses is a powerful, deep, reciprocal loving connection, where you can truly get - and give - the love your heart most deeply yearns for. And that is ultimately the most exciting love of all.
Coping with Loss
Of all of life's multifaceted teachings, the experience of loss is among our most powerful vehicles for awakening. As much as we resist its sting, loss is omnipresent in the universe. The poet Yeats reminded us that no matter how solid anything appears, ultimately ''...things fall apart.'' In a similar vein, modern physics' Law of Entropy proves that over time, everything loses coherence and tends toward disorder. In all forms of relationship, at some point in the future we will have to say good-bye to the physical form of everyone we now know.
With intimate relationships, we see loss everywhere around us in every possible form: passionate, seemingly transcendent romances suddenly crashing to the ground; old, distant, lifeless relationships finally acknowledging what has been obvious for a long time; unfulfilled lovers paralyzed by fear, unable to break through to deeper levels of intimacy; fragile new budding relationships that don't survive even the first disagreement; and friendships ending when one person never returns the call. And when a relationship ends, there are losses on many levels. We lose contact with the person, of course and all the gratification, real or imagined, that they brought to our lives. But even more painfully, we lose the vision of what this relationship has meant to us in the past and present and the hope of what it might mean for us in the future. We lose the story and the myth that embodied the relationship and for many of us this is the most difficult loss of all.
How do we react in the face of impending loss? We have several choices. If we are attached to a particular form of this relationship, by virtue of a belief we have about what should or must be rather than what is, we can hold on tightly, hoping to control a process that we intuitively know is out of our control. Holding on tightly usually only hastens our journey to aloneness by scaring off our partner with our rigid, suffocating energy.
We can also choose to prematurely let go, to check out, to disengage emotionally, preparing for the loss before it even happens, protecting our soft underbelly from the pain that lies ahead, numbing or distracting ourselves from the uncomfortable sensations surging through our hearts and minds through work, addictions or a new warm body. We can also retreat to victimhood, reassuring ourselves that this other person wasn't so great to begin with, that ''we can do better'' and that we have been treated poorly or unfairly, through no fault of our own.
But there is another path, the path of consciously being with and embracing our loss, responsibly, without judgment toward ourselves or our partner, being fully present with our feelings of sadness, despair, loneliness, grief, anger or whatever else comes up. There may be profound sadness that something beautiful or hopeful has died or was never even given a chance to live. There may be anger that we didn't try harder or that they didn't either. There may be fear that we will always be alone or despair that it seems too hard to connect with others. Regardless of what comes up, we can choose to be present with all of our feelings, lying in the rubble of our shattered dreams, perhaps confused and not sure what to do next. There is nothing we have to ''do'' other than allow our feelings to move within and through us at their own pace and time.
We can honor the process by not needing to change or distract or distort or numb what is happening within us. And if we can stay with this process mindfully, eventually we will get to a place of acceptance and even understanding, where we can look back with gratitude at what was once a beautiful thing. We can honor the connection that allowed our spirit to soar and our loving presence to expand. We can review what we have learned from this journey and make notes about how we will do it differently the next time around.
Pathologist Beck Weathers was left for dead after lying completely exposed atop Mt. Everest for fifteen hours. Then, miraculously, his eyes opened and he awoke from his hypothermic coma and walked to camp. He lost both hands to frostbite and suffered many other physical deficits. He was brought back home from this terrible ordeal, only to discover that his wife was fed up with his mountain climbing and avoidance of intimacy and was leaving him for one year to let him figure out his priorities. Stunned, without hands, without a job and without a family, he began to look inside for the truth, which resulted in him completely transforming his life. He now considers his multiple losses to be the greatest blessing of his life. He realized how depressed and cut off he had been emotionally and he began to re-connect with his family and friends in a profound manner that would have been impossible before.
Like Weathers, we may initially be horrified at our losses. But losses aren't going to go away, ever. Nor would we want them to. As Judith Viorst discusses in her book Necessary Losses, regular losses are essential throughout our life spans for all growth to occur. Every loss creates a space for something new to be born: a new hope, a new beginning, a new vision, a new opening to loving ourselves and others more deeply. It is only when we fully embrace death that we can truly live. Likewise, it is only when we fully embrace loss that we can truly gain.
With intimate relationships, we see loss everywhere around us in every possible form: passionate, seemingly transcendent romances suddenly crashing to the ground; old, distant, lifeless relationships finally acknowledging what has been obvious for a long time; unfulfilled lovers paralyzed by fear, unable to break through to deeper levels of intimacy; fragile new budding relationships that don't survive even the first disagreement; and friendships ending when one person never returns the call. And when a relationship ends, there are losses on many levels. We lose contact with the person, of course and all the gratification, real or imagined, that they brought to our lives. But even more painfully, we lose the vision of what this relationship has meant to us in the past and present and the hope of what it might mean for us in the future. We lose the story and the myth that embodied the relationship and for many of us this is the most difficult loss of all.
How do we react in the face of impending loss? We have several choices. If we are attached to a particular form of this relationship, by virtue of a belief we have about what should or must be rather than what is, we can hold on tightly, hoping to control a process that we intuitively know is out of our control. Holding on tightly usually only hastens our journey to aloneness by scaring off our partner with our rigid, suffocating energy.
We can also choose to prematurely let go, to check out, to disengage emotionally, preparing for the loss before it even happens, protecting our soft underbelly from the pain that lies ahead, numbing or distracting ourselves from the uncomfortable sensations surging through our hearts and minds through work, addictions or a new warm body. We can also retreat to victimhood, reassuring ourselves that this other person wasn't so great to begin with, that ''we can do better'' and that we have been treated poorly or unfairly, through no fault of our own.
But there is another path, the path of consciously being with and embracing our loss, responsibly, without judgment toward ourselves or our partner, being fully present with our feelings of sadness, despair, loneliness, grief, anger or whatever else comes up. There may be profound sadness that something beautiful or hopeful has died or was never even given a chance to live. There may be anger that we didn't try harder or that they didn't either. There may be fear that we will always be alone or despair that it seems too hard to connect with others. Regardless of what comes up, we can choose to be present with all of our feelings, lying in the rubble of our shattered dreams, perhaps confused and not sure what to do next. There is nothing we have to ''do'' other than allow our feelings to move within and through us at their own pace and time.
We can honor the process by not needing to change or distract or distort or numb what is happening within us. And if we can stay with this process mindfully, eventually we will get to a place of acceptance and even understanding, where we can look back with gratitude at what was once a beautiful thing. We can honor the connection that allowed our spirit to soar and our loving presence to expand. We can review what we have learned from this journey and make notes about how we will do it differently the next time around.
Pathologist Beck Weathers was left for dead after lying completely exposed atop Mt. Everest for fifteen hours. Then, miraculously, his eyes opened and he awoke from his hypothermic coma and walked to camp. He lost both hands to frostbite and suffered many other physical deficits. He was brought back home from this terrible ordeal, only to discover that his wife was fed up with his mountain climbing and avoidance of intimacy and was leaving him for one year to let him figure out his priorities. Stunned, without hands, without a job and without a family, he began to look inside for the truth, which resulted in him completely transforming his life. He now considers his multiple losses to be the greatest blessing of his life. He realized how depressed and cut off he had been emotionally and he began to re-connect with his family and friends in a profound manner that would have been impossible before.
Like Weathers, we may initially be horrified at our losses. But losses aren't going to go away, ever. Nor would we want them to. As Judith Viorst discusses in her book Necessary Losses, regular losses are essential throughout our life spans for all growth to occur. Every loss creates a space for something new to be born: a new hope, a new beginning, a new vision, a new opening to loving ourselves and others more deeply. It is only when we fully embrace death that we can truly live. Likewise, it is only when we fully embrace loss that we can truly gain.
Addictive Love Relationships
There are two fascinating qualities that can enter into our lives or the lives of those we care for at any moment: love and addiction. At first these two may appear to be strange bedfellows: love evokes pleasurable images of couples passionately embracing or tenderly gazing into each others' eyes, while addiction brings up a darker, grim, even desperate image of a person struggling against a part of themselves that is out of control. Yet at their core, they both have in common a profound spiritual yearning: the desire to transcend the self, to experience powerful states of bliss and ecstasy and to merge with and feel a part of something greater than oneself.
In a rational, left-brain dominated culture such as ours, where opportunities for transformative, visionary experiences are limited (and are even consciously suppressed by some individuals and institutions), love and addiction have become two of the most common vehicles of modern life for experiencing powerful, ecstatic, altered states of consciousness, temporarily removing us from the mundane routines of everyday life and seemingly opening up powerful new dimensions of reality and possibility. With addictions, of course, these new dimensions turn out to be wisps of smoke, mirrors and illusion, as the reality of the addiction eventually crashes down upon the user's life. And even with love, which has its own set of illusions and tricks, we can start out by honoring a strong, compelling inner pull yet end up in pain and isolation.
Together, however, love and addiction are an even more dangerous combination, feeding multiple illusions and fantasies about who we are and what we are capable of. The dynamic duo of denial and discounting of negative consequences can help us rationalize any unhealthy situation. We may reframe a desire to constantly be with our partner as finally having met our true soul mate. We may rationalize our isolation and avoidance of others as a need to deepen our connection. While our egos may tell us that we are genuinely in love, in reality we may be in need, in lust or in addiction.
In such relationships people will often say, ''When it's good, it's soooo good! And when it's bad, it's horrible.'' This is because addictive love relationships tend to be melodramatic, roller-coaster characterized by excessive intensity and a lack of personal boundaries. Individual needs, personal friendships or work responsibilities may suffer due to a strong need to merge with the beloved. There is often a need to maintain a constant, close connection with the other person, borne out of an insecurity that if the person is away for too long, they will find someone else more interesting or attractive. Addictive relationships are typically compulsive in nature, using sex and/or togetherness as a way to avoid dealing with each other's genuine feelings. Each person may feel incomplete in and of themselves and constantly look to the other for affirmation and feelings of self-worth. Underlying this addictive process is generally a fear of true closeness or intimacy and an emptiness of self that we seek to fill up with the other person.
But an interesting process occurs in addictive relationships: they inevitably elicit uncomfortable feelings. Someone begins to feel smothered or sexually objectified. Intense arguments grow out of trivial acts. The lover's touch is suddenly cold, without passion. Or the bad times begin to far outnumber the good ones. While one could conclude at this point that you were merely incompatible, there is a more profound opportunity present. Sometimes it is the pain or confusion that breaks open our hearts, that asks us to look inside, honestly and openly, that opens up the genuine possibility of growth and change. When viewed with non-judgmental awareness and open-hearted receptivity and an understanding of the deeper yearnings that addictive love expresses, love and addiction together can create a powerful opening and path of awakening.
The first step in creating a healthy, loving intimate connection with another human being is to admit that we may not know much about how to do it. As Buddhist psychologist John Welwood says in his book Journey of the Heart, ''... opening more deeply to our questions is the essential ground of relationship as a path. Honoring the 'I don't know' instead of fighting it can help us discover new possibilities and resources, right in the midst of whatever problem we are facing. This gives us a way of starting fresh again and again... we may feel much safer when we think we have all the answers. But intimate relationships unmask and expose us and bring us face to face with life in all its power and mystery. Unless we are willing to explore the unknown in ourselves and in our relations, we will never advance very far along the path of love.''
It is only when we surrender to the mystery and power of the unknown in loving connections that we may begin to understand its true nature. When our ego can finally admit that blindly following its attractions leads not to eternal bliss and fulfillment but to isolation, chaos and pain, one can take the first steps toward genuine connection. When we realize that we may be unfairly placing our own individual emotional and spiritual needs onto our partner, we can choose to re-prioritize our activities. Perhaps we need to put attention on becoming a whole person so we don't completely lose ourselves in another. Perhaps we need to meditate, pray or commit to another spiritual practice or spiritual community, to fully honor our need to transcend and connect to something much larger than ourselves, before we can truly love another.
It was William Shakespeare who said, ''Lovers and madmen have such seething brains, such shaping fantasies, that apprehend more than cool reason ever comprehends.'' Let us be thankful for our seething brains and shaping fantasies, which get us out of our cool rational minds, but let us also constructively use the powerful openings they grace us with, to gain a deeper understanding of the true nature of love and spirituality in our lives.
Christian Dating Service: Find the one that's right for you
At first, I was very skeptical about Christian dating services. If you are looking for something general in a Christian dating service, there are almost too many out there. But if you are like most people who are searching for something specific, there are some things you should consider before looking. If you do, you just may find the perfect one.
What most Christians look for in a Christian dating service
The first concern I noted in people looking for a place to meet others of the same beliefs, is safety. Most Christians just want a safe environment in which they feel they can open up and share their faith with, and hopefully in doing so, meet someone in the process.Safety can mean different things to different people, especially when it comes to online dating. Some want to be safe from fraudulent people while others may want to protect their privacy.Many online Christian dating services are part of a bigger dating service website. "So?" you say. "What's the big deal? I'm looking in the Christian dating services they offer."Well, with some dating websites, it may not be a big deal. But if you are one of those looking for something specific, those websites may not be for you.
Christian dating services: general vs. specific
A general online Christian dating service may be interdenominational (Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, etc.), or even be multi-religion (Christian, Catholic, pagan, Jewish, etc.) This is good in that it brings people of different background and belief together and promotes tolerance. If you are looking for a penpal or a friendship with someone of a different belief, then these sites are perfect.
A specific online Christian dating service may also be interdenominational, but they will not be multi-religion. Many of these sites give you the option of looking for penpals, friendships, dating, or even marriage. Some Christian dating services are even geared only towards those looking for "the one." Overall, these are the websites you want to consider if you are looking for a relationship with someone who shares your beliefs.
Features of online Christian dating services
Love knows no boundaries, which is why the internet is such an appropriate place to find and meet people from all over the world! Most online Christian dating services offer these features:
* Chat rooms where you can meet new people and interact liveInstant messanger so you can talk privately with another memberMessage boards where you can share thoughts, feelings, ask and answer questions, and post upcoming eventsSearch using keywords to find someone with a specific trait
* Administration help
Whatever it is you are looking for, with a little bit of careful consideration, you can find the perfect Christian dating service for you.Recommended online Christian dating service: BigChurch - Bringing people together in love and faith! This site even gives you the option to start a prayer group or Bible study
Other great dating serve web sites to check out:
* ChristianCafe.com101 Christian Dating ServiceChristian DateSeekingChristian.com
* Equallymatched.com
And if you want to try an offline Christian dating service, try Equally Yoked Christian Singles.
Creating an Honest, Truthful Relationship
One of the greatest joys and challenges of conscious, intimate relationships is that when we answer the call to love, we are invited to expand upon who we think we are, who we have been and what we feel and think we are capable of. We are invited by forces larger than ourselves to become a more complete, fuller, more loving human being. We are asked to participate in a process that is at once mysterious, exhilarating and terrifying.
When we answer this most compelling call, a part of us dives headlong into the fray, eager for the possibility of a deeper, more intimate connection than we have experienced before. Recent research indicates that during the early stages of being in love, our brains may secrete a powerful amphetamine-like neurotransmitter called phenylethylamine, bathing our central nervous system with an overdose of nature's most potent love cocktail. We are filled with ecstasy and vision and all our circuits are brilliantly lit up. In this heavenly state we are capable of extraordinary acts of unselfish love and caring that occur almost effortlessly.
When we return to earth, however, we are left with our vision of who we can be and the reality of who we think we are. The call to love is always to go deeper and farther than before and if we choose to answer the call, we will inevitably be confronted with a series of choices. One choice is to make a conscious decision of how committed we are to the truth. Have you been committed to truth in your previous relationships? If not, what was the consequence of not committing to truth? And now that you re in a new relationship, are you going to make a conscious commitment for the fullest, deepest, most honest connection you can or are you going to settle for less than that? How far do you want to try to go together? We encourage couples to discuss this openly and consciously, rather than let it play out unconsciously and indirectly as it so often does.
Every time we act and speak from truth, we invite our partner to do the same. Our journey continues to expand and deepen. The equation is simple: Truth = Love = Deeper Connection = Expansion = Greater Opening to Spirit. But if commitment to truth brings such wonderful things to our lives, why is it so rare and so hard? Why are there so many lies, so many affairs, so much hurt and anger being acted out indirectly? Whenever we consider lying to ourselves or our partners, we generally do so to protect some part of ourselves which feels afraid or inadequate. We want to appear better than we are and a little white lie won't hurt anyway, we tell ourselves. It's not really a big deal. What they don't know won't hurt them. We believe it IS a big deal if you compromise and limit the vision of love that the two of you have been called to create. It IS a big deal if you damage the foundation of trust which underlies any successful partnership. It IS a big deal if you re-create patterns of secrets and hiding that you learned in your families of origin. It IS a big deal if you set a precedent of withholding or distorting the honest reality that you experience individually and together. Each time that we distort the truth, we constrict and limit our original call to love and restrict the depth of what we can become. We slip back into the cocoon of our limiting beliefs about ourselves and what we are capable of as human beings.
When we work with couples and encourage them to make a solid commitment to the truth, they often say things like, ''Well I'm afraid to tell her what I really feel... she might leave me'' or ''If he knew that I had done that, he'll hate me forever, so I can't tell him'' or ''If she knew that I wanted to do X, Y and Z sexually, she'd think I was sick.'' At the core, it's always a fear that the truth will not set you free but will unleash a torrent of anger or rejection. But if your relationship cannot handle the truth, then what do you have anyway? If you and your partner are merely colluding with each other to stay in safe territory and avoid difficult issues, then you are settling for much less than what your call to love has invited you to experience.
Commitment to the truth can be uncomfortable and scary at times, but it is also the surest path to ongoing growth and deepening connection available to conscious relationship partners. We encourage everyone to make that commitment and pass it on through words and deeds to your children. If you have struggled with this in the past, be honest about that. And take steps to understand why you might have been less than honest. What healing needs to take place within you so that you no longer need to hide or appear different than who you really are? And remember, the commitment to the truth is not a commitment to always talking about something negative! The truth can be how grateful you feel to be in this relationship or how wonderful it feels to be with someone who shares your vision of an intimate relationship.
We are all capable of greater acts of love and truth than we may believe. We are all capable of being more honest, more clear, more loving, more unselfish. By honoring the original vision that called us to love at this time, we can commit to the truth of what we are experiencing and commit to communicating it to our partners on a regular basis. That is the process that truly will set you and your partner free - to experience the deepest and highest connection possible.
If you or your partner are having difficulty manifesting truth and honesty in your relationship, or there has been a betrayal of trust in the past or present, call us at (248) 546-0407 and let us show you how you can heal the hurts and resentments from the past and create a healthy, loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
When we answer this most compelling call, a part of us dives headlong into the fray, eager for the possibility of a deeper, more intimate connection than we have experienced before. Recent research indicates that during the early stages of being in love, our brains may secrete a powerful amphetamine-like neurotransmitter called phenylethylamine, bathing our central nervous system with an overdose of nature's most potent love cocktail. We are filled with ecstasy and vision and all our circuits are brilliantly lit up. In this heavenly state we are capable of extraordinary acts of unselfish love and caring that occur almost effortlessly.
When we return to earth, however, we are left with our vision of who we can be and the reality of who we think we are. The call to love is always to go deeper and farther than before and if we choose to answer the call, we will inevitably be confronted with a series of choices. One choice is to make a conscious decision of how committed we are to the truth. Have you been committed to truth in your previous relationships? If not, what was the consequence of not committing to truth? And now that you re in a new relationship, are you going to make a conscious commitment for the fullest, deepest, most honest connection you can or are you going to settle for less than that? How far do you want to try to go together? We encourage couples to discuss this openly and consciously, rather than let it play out unconsciously and indirectly as it so often does.
Every time we act and speak from truth, we invite our partner to do the same. Our journey continues to expand and deepen. The equation is simple: Truth = Love = Deeper Connection = Expansion = Greater Opening to Spirit. But if commitment to truth brings such wonderful things to our lives, why is it so rare and so hard? Why are there so many lies, so many affairs, so much hurt and anger being acted out indirectly? Whenever we consider lying to ourselves or our partners, we generally do so to protect some part of ourselves which feels afraid or inadequate. We want to appear better than we are and a little white lie won't hurt anyway, we tell ourselves. It's not really a big deal. What they don't know won't hurt them. We believe it IS a big deal if you compromise and limit the vision of love that the two of you have been called to create. It IS a big deal if you damage the foundation of trust which underlies any successful partnership. It IS a big deal if you re-create patterns of secrets and hiding that you learned in your families of origin. It IS a big deal if you set a precedent of withholding or distorting the honest reality that you experience individually and together. Each time that we distort the truth, we constrict and limit our original call to love and restrict the depth of what we can become. We slip back into the cocoon of our limiting beliefs about ourselves and what we are capable of as human beings.
When we work with couples and encourage them to make a solid commitment to the truth, they often say things like, ''Well I'm afraid to tell her what I really feel... she might leave me'' or ''If he knew that I had done that, he'll hate me forever, so I can't tell him'' or ''If she knew that I wanted to do X, Y and Z sexually, she'd think I was sick.'' At the core, it's always a fear that the truth will not set you free but will unleash a torrent of anger or rejection. But if your relationship cannot handle the truth, then what do you have anyway? If you and your partner are merely colluding with each other to stay in safe territory and avoid difficult issues, then you are settling for much less than what your call to love has invited you to experience.
Commitment to the truth can be uncomfortable and scary at times, but it is also the surest path to ongoing growth and deepening connection available to conscious relationship partners. We encourage everyone to make that commitment and pass it on through words and deeds to your children. If you have struggled with this in the past, be honest about that. And take steps to understand why you might have been less than honest. What healing needs to take place within you so that you no longer need to hide or appear different than who you really are? And remember, the commitment to the truth is not a commitment to always talking about something negative! The truth can be how grateful you feel to be in this relationship or how wonderful it feels to be with someone who shares your vision of an intimate relationship.
We are all capable of greater acts of love and truth than we may believe. We are all capable of being more honest, more clear, more loving, more unselfish. By honoring the original vision that called us to love at this time, we can commit to the truth of what we are experiencing and commit to communicating it to our partners on a regular basis. That is the process that truly will set you and your partner free - to experience the deepest and highest connection possible.
If you or your partner are having difficulty manifesting truth and honesty in your relationship, or there has been a betrayal of trust in the past or present, call us at (248) 546-0407 and let us show you how you can heal the hurts and resentments from the past and create a healthy, loving relationship that will last a lifetime.
A Good Dinka Girl
I knew that was what the Sudanese Embassy would say. I had been the coordinator of the Sudanese Women Voice for Peace, and we had just presented papers to the 1994 International Conference on Population and Development in Cairo. The Sudanese delegation was not too happy with us and there was a confrontation. We ran away, but the Embassy knew I was there.
It was not the first time I had caused them trouble. I went to Egypt because of the civil war in my country. It was difficult for me to get the money to go to university, because I am from Southern Sudan and the government is in the north. If you went to the Sudanese Embassy, they would say "Oh, you are from the north, you are okay. But you are from the south? We don't know how you came to Egypt."
Eventually, I was able to get some money, but I had trouble at the university when the dean of the faculty would not let me sit for the exams. I went to the Sudanese Embassy but they would not help me. They did not want to have bad relations with the Egyptians.
So I went to court
I sued the Egyptian government and I won. I was allowed to transfer to Cairo University to finish my studies. The Sudanese ambassador called me to his office and he was very angry. I went on to be a secretary for Sudanese students, to help them with these kinds of problems. The Sudanese embassy did not forget me. They had tried to jeopardize my future, but my God had worked it out for my good.
You see, I had always believed in God and called myself a Christian. I went to church regularly, but the truth was, I was just like everybody else. I tried to enjoy myself and fill my time with all kinds of things. Then my friend, Jane, invited me to a Bible study. I learned that what I thought it meant to be a Christian was wrong. Then I knew that there was something missing - and it was serious! But I didn't know what it was exactly.
I thought: "What do I do?" Maybe if I read my Bible and went to the Bible study, maybe if I did a lot of good things and became a "good girl," I would be okay. Being from Southern Sudan - where there are many Christians - and from the Dinka tribe, I had a clear idea of what a "good girl" should be. In my tribe, a girl was raised a virgin. I thought that since I did not go around with men that I was good.
But the Bible told me, "Not yet, Gigi. You are not good yet." So I tried to be nice to people. In my mind, I did it so that people would say, "That Gigi is a nice girl." I did my best to be a good person. But it wasn't enough. When I lied, I felt so bad that I would say, "God does not like me today."
Being a good girl
One night in 1989, Jane invited me to stay at her house. There on her table was a little booklet called The Four Spiritual Laws. I thought, "I didn't know that there were only four spiritual laws." It was in English, but it was small and it was interesting. Before I went to sleep, I started to read it.
Believe me, it was the first time I'd heard that God loves me. Not just on the days when I am a "good girl." I had a problem with that. How could God love me?
The second law said that we are separated from God by our sin. But what was the meaning of sin? That struck me.
I learned that sin is not just what you do, it's an attitude. But what could I do with that sinfulness? Wasn't there some way to be good? That is what the rest of the laws told me - that if I accepted Jesus Christ in my life, then I would experience His forgiveness and He would change me.
At the end of the booklet was a prayer. The booklet asked if this was the desire of my heart and I knew it was. I read the prayer again and again because it was in English. I wanted to be sure that I understood the words and that I absorbed them. The message in this booklet had made me very excited, but I wanted to pray this prayer from my heart.
It was God Himself that had been missing from my life. When I asked Jesus into my heart, I began a new life. No more lies. No more running around. God gave me new goals and new desires.
Having Jesus in my life did not eliminate my problems - I have had many struggles, but He is always there to help me. The papers the women and I presented to the conference in Cairo were about the consequences of the Sudanese civil war for the people in Southern Sudan. I was living in Egypt without proper documents and my embassy would not renew my passport. They called me in again and again and I knew it was not safe. After this, the United Nations granted me refugee status. Through my work with other refugees, my husband and I had contact with the Canadian consulate and we were able to come to Canada. Now my husband and I are trusting God for our new life in a new country.
Living with Jesus in my life is like being in the Mediterranean Sea off the coast of Egypt. If you lie still and relax in the water, you will float on the surface. If you struggle, you will sink. I struggled on my own to be a "good girl," but I couldn't do it. Now I rest in God's hands, and He lifts me up.
Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.
Facing AIDS with Hope
The first boy we visited, Jarmain, was 16 years old and the skinniest person I have ever seen. He was huddled underneath the covers in his bed, peering at us with his yellowed and somber eyes. His condition was unknown. He looked like a famine victim. He was skin and bones.
We prayed for him, but in my heart I wondered to what good this would do. We were told before coming, "Don't cry when you're in their presence. That discourages them and they lose hope." But really, I had to wonder, was there any hope?
Statistics indicate that 50% of youth under the age of 15 in South Africa will die within the next 10 years. Every day 7 000 new HIV infections occur in people aged 10-24. I decided that I couldn't just sit and do nothing.
While studying at Westmont College I had the opportunity to spend a semester in Nairobi, Kenya and the experience changed my life. I returned to America with a greater sense of the world and a more compassionate heart.
Getting to South Africa
Back at Westmont I met up with a fellow student who had spent a semester doing intense research on AIDS. We decided to team up to educate ourselves on the AIDS pandemic in Africa. This research lead to taking a group of students on a short term trip to South Africa where I was approached by a local social action group to join in the work they were doing.
The first day I arrived in Capetown with my team of students we were whisked away to the township of Philippi to travel along with the health care workers of the community. We visited homes of the sick and dying and prayed for them. By "homes" I mean everything from very small brick or stucco houses to a few random pieces of tin and cardboard stuck together who-knows-how.
A little love goes a long way
I was assigned to work alongside Elizabeth, a local health-care worker working with Bridges of Hope (BOH). BOH is an international sustainable development organization working to combat AIDS, unemployment, discouragement and hopelessness. It is a daunting task to be sure, but they are taking practical steps towards it.
I joined Elizabeth making home visits to the sick, putting together aid packages and helping to plant a community vegetable garden for HIV/AIDS sufferers. With no medical training I was unsure about stepping into this role, but Elizabeth told me that my presence alone gave her and the other healthcare workers a boost of encouragement to continue on in their volunteer work.
The joy of knitting
In addition to working with Elizabeth, I am help to teach knitting workshops to HIV+ women. Many of these women are trapped at home by sickness and the stigma of it. The workshops give them a place of community as well as a source of income. Getting to know them has been a real highlight for me.
These women are funny, and very open. They love it when we model the knitted goods that they have made. They hoot and holler. Sometimes they will start singing while they are kitting, and it is an incredibly beautiful thing to hear. They are all sick, but they still have joy. There is also a great rejoicing when they get paid. It is such a wonderful thing to be able to pay them for what they are doing. We are enabling them to build a better life for their families. We are giving them hope.
A woman like Mother Theresa
Of the many people I have met in South Africa, a woman named Agnus has a special place in my heart. Throughout the community Agnus is known for taking in AIDS orphans. With five children already at home she recently took in a 19 year old woman in the final stages of AIDS. While Agnus could not save her she provided a place for her to belong. The young woman spent the end of her life in peace, in a place where she knew she was loved. In a country with over 5.3 million AIDS sufferers, that is an incredibly rare thing.
Mother Theresa is quoted as saying "the greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, having no one. I have come more and more to realize that it is being unwanted that is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience." This is so true in South Africa. People like Agnus and the BOH team are taking a stand against this disease, and it is a real privilege to be able to stand with them.
Finding my own hope
Maybe it seems strange to some that I, a 22 year old recent graduate, would set all my plans aside and come to South Africa to work amongst such intense suffering. My life in the United States was nice -- great friends, great family, great job and a new college degree. My options were endless -- Grad School? Art School? Law School? Seminary? I didn't know what my future held, but I knew that I had to go back to Africa.
There is a verse in the Bible that says, "From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask more." What had I been given? I was given semesters studying abroad in Kenya and Spain. I was given an upbringing in a loving and stable home and an education in the United States that put me in the top few percent of the wealthiest and most educated people in the world. Basically, I have been given a lot.
The greatest gift I ever received was when I prayed to receive Christ as my personal Saviour. God loves me so much that he sent his only son to die in my place. The Bible says that he came to give me "hope and a future". Now He is my hope for the future. Apart from Him, the world is, well, hopeless. My struggling would be in vain if I didn't know there was a greater end to it all, and a better way to live here on earth. I have seen a lot of death in South Africa and I will see more of it before I go back to the States. But I know that when a person places their faith in Christ, death does not have the final say. There is still hope.
If you are living in a world without hope, it doesn't have to be that way. You matter to God. He loves you so much that He gave His only Son for you. You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.
If you have a question first, click here.
~ Rachel (Carlson) Colvin is a graduate of Westmont College. After completely her work with Bridges of Hope International doing AIDS relief work in South Africa Rachel returned to the States . She now lives in England with her husband, Mark, and continues to be involved in community development.
~ Garrett Hubbard got his BA in Economics/Accounting at University California Santa Barbara and now attends Brooks Institute of Photography. He hopes that by selling prints he can further his Visual Journalism education to more effectively tell these untold stories. You can see more of his work at http://public.fotki.com/spokenword/where prints are also available for purchase.
Take a Parenting Check-up
One scary thing about parenting is it's a temporary job. Our active parenting days are numbered and we need to count them. How many parenting days do you still have?
If your youngest child is five years old, you can assume he will be leaving the nest at around age eighteen, so that gives you thirteen years or 156 months or 4,745 days! Since we all know how fast the days zip by, before you know it your job as a resident parent will be over. That knowledge should motivate all to take a parenting check-up.
So how are you doing as a parent?
Often we concentrate on our children's behavior and not on our own. Why not look at your behavior from your child's perspective? In a survey of 100,000
children, children were asked what they wanted most in their parents. Check out the top ten answers and evaluate how you are doing in each area:
1. Children want parents who don't argue in front of them. Children tend to do what parents do, not necessarily what they say. How do you handle differences? Can you disagree and share your negative feelings without attacking the other person or defending yourself? Then your children will also learn how to process anger and resolve conflict in positive ways.
2. Children want parents who treat each family member the same. Treating your children the same does not mean treating them equal. Each child is unique and but each needs the same love and understanding. Evaluate your relationship with each child.
3. Parents who are honest. The parent who says, "Tell the tele-marketer (who is on the phone) I'm not here," may not realize what he is modeling to his child. Do you say what you mean and mean what you say?
4. Parents who are tolerant of others. When parents are tolerant of others, children learn to be patient with those who are different from them. In what ways have you modeled tolerance to your children?
5. Parents who welcome their friends to the home. If the gang is ganging up at your house, then you will know where your own children are! Cultivate an open-home policy and get to know their friends.
6. Parents who build a team spirit with their children. As children move into the adolescent years, parents who cultivate a team spirit will have a greater influence on their children. How can you foster teamship in your family?
7. Parents who answer their questions. Have you been guilty of saying, "I'm busy right now. Let's talk about this later." Then later never happens. Take time today to answer your children's questions and when you don't know the answer, admit it and offer to help find the answer.
8. Parents who discipline them when needed, but not in front of others, especially their friends. Amazingly, children really do want limits, but don't count on them volunteering that information!
9. Parents who concentrate on good points instead of weak ones. Look at your child as an incomplete jigsaw puzzle and concentrate on the beautiful developing picture instead of the missing pieces. Make a list of your child's strengths and look for appropriate times to point them out.
10. Parents who are consistent. We were not always consistent but we consistently strove to be. Be encouraged. The occasional inconsistency will not ruin your children. But your children need to know that your love and limits are consistent. With boundaries comes security. Is there an area in which you need to work on being more consistent?
How do you rate? We hope you picked up some tips that will keep you from being a behavior problem to your children. And that from time to time you will take a parenting check up and wisely number
your days.
Related topics:
Tips for working parents
Be A Parent Coach
10 Great Dates
~ David and Claudia Arp, MSW, founders of Marriage Alive Seminars, are marriage educators, columnists and authors of numerous books and small
group video curriculum including The Second Half of Marriage and 10 Great Dates (Zondervan) Website: www.marriagealive.com
The Art of Living with PASSION
What are you passionate about - what do you care deeply about? Women Today asked this question to 40 women representing more than 20 countries on five continents. They answered in a chorus of animated voices, each unique and yet altogether harmonious.
Women, it seems, share a universal longing to live with passion. They want to invest their time and energy in pursuits that are supremely important to them. Capturing the brightly-coloured and transparent stories of these women into a mosaic, this article reflects their thoughts on where passion comes from and what it looks like in real life. Often linked with sex, suffering and strong emotion, passion seems to universally mean one thing: intensity.
Lynne Hill, a 39-year-old from Oxfordshire, England, describes passion as "Hot-blooded, emotional, exciting - feeling strongly about something." However, there is, she says, "a difference between passion about a subject and a bit of passion with your husband." Lynne is intensely passionate about her husband, as well as her two sons, but also loves horses and dancing. She is a British Horse Society instructor and has a diploma in dance.
Someone as vivacious and talented as Lynne is might seem to be naturally passionate. But she'd be the first to tell you that knowing and living your passions is an ongoing process. Though passion comes from the heart, living it is also an act of the will. Every woman can live with passion. Perhaps you're wondering how. The women we talked to told us what helps them nurture their passion: they look inside, they listen to others and they turn pain into passion.
Look Inside
Your passion is as personal as your fingerprint. No one can thrust passion on you. Nor can it be conjured up. It's there, inside, just like your heartbeat. It's the thing or things that really matter to you, that you pound the table over.
Ginger Chiang from Taiwan calls this inner knowing of passion "conscious living." She says, "I discovered my passions when I asked myself what makes me feel most happy." Ginger works for a prestigious business and politics magazine. But after thinking about what she really enjoyed in her work - planning, proposals and projects - Ginger decided to give up her high-powered job to direct a non-profit organization for cyber-education.
Today, she doesn't regret her 14 years as a journalist. Instead, she says, "The years I spent on that job gave me the ability to live the life I'm living now. Many people don't think about how they live," says Ginger. "Their lives are routine and they're not conscious of why they're doing the things they're doing. You need to make effort to discover your passions. If you love something very much, you feel pleasure when you're doing it, and you're committed to do it."
Listen to Others
Receiving compliments and encouragement - believing and embracing them - can give us that extra push to pursue our passions. The seeds of praise planted in Priya Sukumar's childhood grew into her life's calling. "As a child, I'd do little kind deeds and get positive feedback, and this would motivate to keep doing good," the 27-year-old Indian immigrant says. She grew up believing "service to man is service to God."
Today Priya, who has a degree in social work, co-ordinates a program in Auckland, New Zealand, to support crime victims and people affected by crisis. "I get very upset when people are abused, oppressed or treated unfairly," she says. "It is this passion that motivated me to train and to work in this field. I put in some long hours because I believe in being available at any time for emergencies. It's not the money that motivates me."
Turn Pain Into Passion
Positive reinforcement isn't the only thing that fosters passion. In fact, many women said it is born out of pain. It can be the pain of a life that seems to be going the wrong way, as it was for South African artist Marisa Iuculano. Although passionate by personality, Marisa let her passions lie dormant for six years while she was involved in a difficult relationship. "I didn't lift a paintbrush," she says. "I didn't dance, I never saw friends. I didn't even feel passion in my relationship." Praying for guidance and listening to her instincts redirected Marisa's life. For a few months now, she has been married to a man with whom she recently took Latin American dance lessons. She's also painting.
A tragic incident turned Taiwanese legislator Tina Pan into an activist. "When I was a councillor 17 or 18 years ago, a woman was raped by five foreigners," she explains. "Though she reported it to the police, no one was willing to handle the case. The hospital refused to give her any document as evidence of what she suffered." Frustrated, Tina helped establish the Modern Women Foundation, which cooperates with the police, medical staff and legal authorities to respond to victims of sexual assault. As a member of the Nationalist Party she continues to champion laws that protect women's equality, safety and dignity.
"I never thought I'd be a politician," says Tina, a 43-year-old wife and mother. But driven by her concern for women's rights, she has adopted Dr. Sun Yatsen's motto: "Politics deals with the things that touch everyone. Since we cannot control the length of our lives." says Tina, "finding the meaning of life, and making it glorious, becomes important."
Willing to Pay the Price
When you care deeply about something, that caring invokes commitment and risk. Silvana G. Bertaconi Reis of Brazil is a dancer. The fluid grace of seemingly effortless movements is only achieved by spending half her day working out. "At 32, I've had to sacrifice. There is pain and physical indisposition, but I want to continue. Dancing gives me internal life." Silvana also dances to "impart life" to other people.
Unlike most dancers who grow up with the sport, Silvana didn't begin training in earnest until she was 19. She didn't attend a dance academy either but was encouraged by friends who spied her talent.
She finds inspiration in being a model for the new generation of dancers. "They see motivation in us because we're older." Her advice: "You have to live fully what you love. There are troubles to get what you really love. Overrun barriers, difficulties. Survive in the rain, in the sun, in the storms."
Be Flexible, Be Creative, Be Whole
Passion sounds messy. If you discover you're passionate about something you're not currently working at, do you have to disrupt your life to pursue your "new" passions? What about the constraints of time and money? Even the best things in life - relationships with family, children and spouse - can have a way of sidelining passion. The women we talked to told us that passion has to flex with the ebb and flow of life.
For Russian Marina Veduta, 44, music was everything. She recalls when, as a student, she heard the êtudes of Russian composer Skyrabin. "I don't have the words to express my delight! But what I remember clearly is that when it was over, I thought I had nothing else to live for now, that I would never experience greater emotions." Today, Marina finds delight in taking care of her two daughters and giving music lessons. "I'm busy doing the things I love," she says.
"Often I had to sacrifice my musical career for the sake of my family, but I never regretted it afterwards. And though I haven't become a famous pianist, everything is great at home," she says. When we talked with her, Marina was looking forward to taking her oldest daughter to Verdi's Macbeth, one of the ways she continues to nurture her passions. "Don't hesitate to spend time with your passions, to give your whole self to something or someone," Marina says. "Feel brightly. Life can be too grey otherwise."
In the ebb and flow of life, one passion may fade, only for another to take its place.
That's how it has been for Lynne. Hooked on horseback riding since age six, she didn't even have a boyfriend till she was 18. "I thought horses were it," she says, looking back. "The feeling of the wind cantering in your hair - you can't get it anywhere else." Over time however, marriage, pregnancy and financial constraints have kept Lynne from pursuing an equestrian lifestyle with unbridled abandon. Still, she finds an outlet for her passion - at least for now - in volunteering to judge horse shows. She also enjoys encouraging her son Alex, who, at eight, evidences an affinity for horses. "If horses bring me and my son together," she says, "it means quality time and good parenting."
During this season of life, family is Lynne's main passion. Her own painful past heightened her desire to invest her best in relationships. "I come from a broken home, so I try to make it balanced for my children. I spend quality time with them. I go to school functions. I take the children to historic places, teach them things they wouldn't learn on television.
"Someday, I'll get back to my other passions," says Lynne. In the meantime, this medical secretary dances with her children in the kitchen and expresses her creative side by expanding her cooking repertoire. She dreams of one day owning her own stable, maybe even a ranch. And she keeps her heart set on living passionately. "A lot of people have a stiff upper lip, especially women. It is important for your quality of life to have passions. You should let them out."
Related Reading:
Craving Cleaver's Cookies
Doing What You Love Best
Nine Principals of Effective Leadership
- By Stacy Wiebe with Heather Harris (Canada), Meena Narayan (New Zealand), Isabel Roland (Brazil), Olga Taranova (Russia), Joanne Thomas (England), and Joy Wan (Taiwan). Stacy Weibe is the editor of Christian Women Today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
