Every pregnancy is different and while some women may experience some of the early signs of pregnancy, others may not notice any symptoms at all. Some of the early signs of pregnancy may be noticed from within a few days of conception, but there may be no symptoms at all until you have missed your first menstrual cycle.
Some of the early signs of pregnancy to look for include,
Nausea: This can occur within a few days of conception when the fertilized egg is implanting in the uterine wall. Morning sickness often begins around 8 – 12 weeks, but can occur earlier.
Tender Breasts: This is also an early sign of pregnancy, and may begin even before you have missed you monthly cycle.
Fatigue: As a result of the changing hormones you may become easily fatigue, which is an early sign of pregnancy. In fact, in some women this can be severe enough that at some points you won’t be able to keep your eyes open.
Frequent Urination: This early sign of pregnancy can begin anytime after conception but usually after about 8 – 12 weeks.
These are some of the early signs of pregnancy; if you suspect that you are pregnant you should see your healthcare provider to confirm your suspicions and begin receiving prenatal care.
Sunday 3 May 2009
How to Listen to Your Teenager without Appearing to Have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
In one of the Family Circus cartoon strips, the little girl looks up at her father, who is reading the newspaper, and says, "Daddy, you have to listen with your eyes as well as your ears." That statement says almost all there is to say about listening. Being a good listener means focusing attention on the message and reviewing the important information.
Listening can be considered an art, as well as a skill, and like other skills, it requires that you exhibit some discipline to be effective. However, in today's world where multitasking is considered essential to surviving in the workplace, it is not uncommon to be talking on the phone while we are reading mail or sending e-mail, and simultaneously conducting hand signals with a co-worker who needs your input about something important.
However, when it comes to communicating with your teenagers, you have to separate yourself from this multitasking communications style, and learn how to focus 100 percent of your time on her when she needs to talk to you. If you do not, she will perceive this distracted behavior as a lack of interest in her.
Thus, during your conversations with your teen, you must ignore your own needs, demonstrate patience, and pay attention to her. Hearing becomes listening only when you pay attention to what is being said, and can contribute to the conversation.
So how good are your listening skills?
Answer the following "yes or no" statements honestly:
1. I make assumptions about my teens feelings and thoughts
2. I bring up past issues during current disagreements
3. I interrupt my teenager's conversation
4. I respond to a complaint with a complaint
5. I respond to my teen with phrases like, "That's ridiculous."
If you answered "yes" to any of these statements, then there is some room for improvement in your listening skills.
What to do
Use the following guidelines to help improve your listening skills:
1. Maintain eye contact with your teen during conversations. Good eye contact allows you to keep focused and involved in the conversation.
2. Be interested and attentive. Your teen will sense whether you are interested or not by the way you reply or not reply to her.
3. Focus on "what" your teen is saying and not "how" she is saying it. If she is upset, for example, she may be exhibiting body language that may be distracting.
4. Listen patiently and avoid getting emotionally involved in the conversation. If you do so, you will tend to hear what you want to hear, as opposed to what is really being said. Your goal is to remain objective and open-minded during your discussions.
5. Avoid cutting your teenager off while she is speaking. This will show her that you respect her right to have an opinion, as well as to freely express it.
6. Avoid distractions or trying to multitask during your conversations. This may be okay at work, however your teen may perceive that you have a terminal case of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). :)
Exercise
It may be helpful to have a practice conversation with your teenager rather than wait to try and be a better listener when she comes to you with a "real world" problem. Inform her that she is really important to you, and that you want to be a better listener. Then tell her that you need her help.
Referring to the above guidelines, have her tell you about her day while you demonstrate your listening skills. Then ask her how you did and what you could have done better. Remember not to get defensive and conclude by thanking her for her help. Doing this on a regular basis will not only improve your overall listening skills, but also will make your teenager want to talk to you.
Listening can be considered an art, as well as a skill, and like other skills, it requires that you exhibit some discipline to be effective. However, in today's world where multitasking is considered essential to surviving in the workplace, it is not uncommon to be talking on the phone while we are reading mail or sending e-mail, and simultaneously conducting hand signals with a co-worker who needs your input about something important.
However, when it comes to communicating with your teenagers, you have to separate yourself from this multitasking communications style, and learn how to focus 100 percent of your time on her when she needs to talk to you. If you do not, she will perceive this distracted behavior as a lack of interest in her.
Thus, during your conversations with your teen, you must ignore your own needs, demonstrate patience, and pay attention to her. Hearing becomes listening only when you pay attention to what is being said, and can contribute to the conversation.
So how good are your listening skills?
Answer the following "yes or no" statements honestly:
1. I make assumptions about my teens feelings and thoughts
2. I bring up past issues during current disagreements
3. I interrupt my teenager's conversation
4. I respond to a complaint with a complaint
5. I respond to my teen with phrases like, "That's ridiculous."
If you answered "yes" to any of these statements, then there is some room for improvement in your listening skills.
What to do
Use the following guidelines to help improve your listening skills:
1. Maintain eye contact with your teen during conversations. Good eye contact allows you to keep focused and involved in the conversation.
2. Be interested and attentive. Your teen will sense whether you are interested or not by the way you reply or not reply to her.
3. Focus on "what" your teen is saying and not "how" she is saying it. If she is upset, for example, she may be exhibiting body language that may be distracting.
4. Listen patiently and avoid getting emotionally involved in the conversation. If you do so, you will tend to hear what you want to hear, as opposed to what is really being said. Your goal is to remain objective and open-minded during your discussions.
5. Avoid cutting your teenager off while she is speaking. This will show her that you respect her right to have an opinion, as well as to freely express it.
6. Avoid distractions or trying to multitask during your conversations. This may be okay at work, however your teen may perceive that you have a terminal case of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). :)
Exercise
It may be helpful to have a practice conversation with your teenager rather than wait to try and be a better listener when she comes to you with a "real world" problem. Inform her that she is really important to you, and that you want to be a better listener. Then tell her that you need her help.
Referring to the above guidelines, have her tell you about her day while you demonstrate your listening skills. Then ask her how you did and what you could have done better. Remember not to get defensive and conclude by thanking her for her help. Doing this on a regular basis will not only improve your overall listening skills, but also will make your teenager want to talk to you.
The Foundation for a Happy Family
"All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way" Leo Tolstoy: Anna Karenina
How do happy families resemble one another? What are the characteristics they have in common? A number of years ago, a current affairs program covered the 40th anniversary of a special couple. Organizing the celebrations were their sixteen children. The couple re-enacted their bridal waltz, to the tearful applause of their large brood. They had brought up a close-knit, loving family, not without a great deal of sacrifice and hard work. Yet perhaps their greatest achievement of all was remaining close and affectionate to one another. Their children were justifiably proud of their wonderful parents. The number one characteristic of a happy family is a loving relationship between parents. It is consistently proven through research that parental conflict and hostility causes children to experience distress and disturbance. Yet today, when our busy lives often leave us stressed and exhausted, parental relationships are usually the first to suffer.
Research has also shown that marital satisfaction suffers a decline after the birth of children. The adjustment to motherhood is a huge one for women, leaving us tired, emotionally drained, and sometimes resentful. Fathers can feel the pressure of added financial responsibility, and a loss of intimacy with their exhausted wife. Unfortunately many bad habits can creep into a relationship at this time. Let's never forget the fact that parents are the glue that holds the family together. When we become unstuck, so does the family! Never before has it been so important to work at our relationships. As mothers, we are so concerned to give our children the best possible care we can. Yet we forget that the greatest gift we can give our children is to love their father. And the greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother. While our children are growing up, they naturally absorb much of our time and energy. So much so, that the most important relationship in the family gets overlooked. Yet one day our children will grow up and leave the family home, so it is vitally important that we keep a focus on our partner, because one day they are the only ones we will see!
Recently a family comedy show highlighted in hilarious fashion the fact that parents so often treat complete strangers or acquaintances with far more consideration than they do each other. We are so "nice" to other people, then short tempered, critical and rude to one another in similar situations. In other words, we treat the ones, who we love and value the most, with the least consideration. Its time to take an honest look at the way we treat our closest relative on earth. If there is room for improvement, don't waste another day before instigating a change.
Remember that when we really want things to change, the first place to start is with ourselves. Start by asking this question, "how would I like to be married to me?" This will very often shed light on things we can change for the better. Look at your words and the way you say them. Replace criticisms with words of encouragement and appreciation on a daily basis. Use endearing names even if they sound silly. (Studies have shown long-lasting spouses using affectionate nicknames often characterize relationships!) Next, be more outwardly affectionate. Don't part company without a kiss and an "I love you". Remind yourself to say, "I love you" at least once every day. At dinnertime, or when the family is gathered together, tell the children how much you love daddy (and watch their delighted expressions!). Make time for one another, either by going out on regular dates, or having a candle-lit dinner together after the children's bedtime on a regular basis. My husband and I will soon celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary. Never before have I loved and appreciated my husband like I love him now. Yet there have been times when we have argued, fumed, sulked, and just plain not liked each other. That is part and parcel of a normal relationship. But it is our determination to work through the problems, and weather the storms that makes what we have now even more precious. When you work at your relationship, you are laying the foundation for a happy family life, where your children will experience security, contentment, and the priceless gift of parental love. Many people philosophize on what measures true success. For me, an example of true success was the couple dancing together after forty years of marriage and sixteen children, still very much in love.
How do happy families resemble one another? What are the characteristics they have in common? A number of years ago, a current affairs program covered the 40th anniversary of a special couple. Organizing the celebrations were their sixteen children. The couple re-enacted their bridal waltz, to the tearful applause of their large brood. They had brought up a close-knit, loving family, not without a great deal of sacrifice and hard work. Yet perhaps their greatest achievement of all was remaining close and affectionate to one another. Their children were justifiably proud of their wonderful parents. The number one characteristic of a happy family is a loving relationship between parents. It is consistently proven through research that parental conflict and hostility causes children to experience distress and disturbance. Yet today, when our busy lives often leave us stressed and exhausted, parental relationships are usually the first to suffer.
Research has also shown that marital satisfaction suffers a decline after the birth of children. The adjustment to motherhood is a huge one for women, leaving us tired, emotionally drained, and sometimes resentful. Fathers can feel the pressure of added financial responsibility, and a loss of intimacy with their exhausted wife. Unfortunately many bad habits can creep into a relationship at this time. Let's never forget the fact that parents are the glue that holds the family together. When we become unstuck, so does the family! Never before has it been so important to work at our relationships. As mothers, we are so concerned to give our children the best possible care we can. Yet we forget that the greatest gift we can give our children is to love their father. And the greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother. While our children are growing up, they naturally absorb much of our time and energy. So much so, that the most important relationship in the family gets overlooked. Yet one day our children will grow up and leave the family home, so it is vitally important that we keep a focus on our partner, because one day they are the only ones we will see!
Recently a family comedy show highlighted in hilarious fashion the fact that parents so often treat complete strangers or acquaintances with far more consideration than they do each other. We are so "nice" to other people, then short tempered, critical and rude to one another in similar situations. In other words, we treat the ones, who we love and value the most, with the least consideration. Its time to take an honest look at the way we treat our closest relative on earth. If there is room for improvement, don't waste another day before instigating a change.
Remember that when we really want things to change, the first place to start is with ourselves. Start by asking this question, "how would I like to be married to me?" This will very often shed light on things we can change for the better. Look at your words and the way you say them. Replace criticisms with words of encouragement and appreciation on a daily basis. Use endearing names even if they sound silly. (Studies have shown long-lasting spouses using affectionate nicknames often characterize relationships!) Next, be more outwardly affectionate. Don't part company without a kiss and an "I love you". Remind yourself to say, "I love you" at least once every day. At dinnertime, or when the family is gathered together, tell the children how much you love daddy (and watch their delighted expressions!). Make time for one another, either by going out on regular dates, or having a candle-lit dinner together after the children's bedtime on a regular basis. My husband and I will soon celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary. Never before have I loved and appreciated my husband like I love him now. Yet there have been times when we have argued, fumed, sulked, and just plain not liked each other. That is part and parcel of a normal relationship. But it is our determination to work through the problems, and weather the storms that makes what we have now even more precious. When you work at your relationship, you are laying the foundation for a happy family life, where your children will experience security, contentment, and the priceless gift of parental love. Many people philosophize on what measures true success. For me, an example of true success was the couple dancing together after forty years of marriage and sixteen children, still very much in love.
Marriage And Money
Studies show that money issues are the highest cause of marital conflict and cause for divorce. Conflicts over money and money management outweigh conflicts over sex (including affairs) and differences over raising children as the greatest trouble area in a marriage. Partners enter a marriage with an intensely personal history of how they have handled money that has usually been learned from their families of origin. When the two people who are part of a couple have different expectations, thundering fights and lightening clashes can occur.
I have worked with many couples who seem more relaxed talking about the variety of sexual positions they have or have not experimented with than how much money one or both of them earns. Bill and Nadine are typical of a couple who love each other dearly, but whose marriage almost ended because of their different attitudes towards finances.
Bill grew up as the only child of a hard working father and homemaker mother. At an early age, he began working in his father’s butcher shop. His father had a strong work ethic and taught Bill never to take a day off, even if he was ill. Vacations were infrequent and had were considered a reward for a job well done. And, of course, a penny saved was considered a future dollar earned.
Nadine’s parents had about the same amount of money as Bill’s, but Nadine was taught that money was to be used for giving and spending and that “tomorrow would take care of itself.” She was generous to a fault and considered issues such as credit card debt just one of life’s small hurdles to be handled when the time came. Although not a spendthrift, she was relaxed and casual around money matters. She liked to play and although she too could be a hard worker, she had been taught that the way one rejuvenated her self was to take as many vacations as she could.
They fell in love, married and within three months they were in my office screaming “divorce.” Bill felt as if Nadine was totally irresponsible, behaved like a child and that her spending habits would put them in the poor house. Nadine felt as if “her wings were clipped,” and as if Bill was looking over her shoulder every second. She described her feelings as being unable to breathe and as if she was going to emotionally die.
Bill and Nadine originally had been attracted to each other by the very differences that they now found impossible to live with. In fact, they were like opposite pairs of bookends. If you put them together, the two halves made a whole. I am sure some sensible part of each of them understood that alone they were unbalanced and together they could make a good team. That is, if they didn’t kill each other first.
Therapy helped them to understand their different histories and expectations and over time, each one slowly moved slightly towards the center. Their disastrous fights lessened and they could begin to remember why they fell in love in the first place. It took courage for each of them to learn how to listen to the other and to give up pieces of their own dearly cherished beliefs. By the time they left therapy, money was rarely an issue between them.
But, I wonder what would have happened to this marriage if they hadn’t received help? I doubt that it would have lasted and it would have gone the way of so many marriages where each partner finds the other’s attitude and ways of managing money totally incomprehensible.
Money is both a metaphor and a reality. Talking openly and communicating about money becomes another way for you and your spouse to get to know each other. Attitudes towards money range from the penurial to the extravagant. There is no reason to run to the divorce court just because you and your spouse have different ways of managing your finances.
Attitudes and relationships towards finances are unique to you and reveal a good deal about who you are and how you operate. Dollars and cents are the interface or unit of exchange between you and society and learning where you stand along the continuum, from prudent to expansive, can help you learn more about how you negotiate through life. The more you understand about yourself and your spouse when money matters, the better chance you have of working out a successful marriage. Try it.
Life is too hard to do alone,
I have worked with many couples who seem more relaxed talking about the variety of sexual positions they have or have not experimented with than how much money one or both of them earns. Bill and Nadine are typical of a couple who love each other dearly, but whose marriage almost ended because of their different attitudes towards finances.
Bill grew up as the only child of a hard working father and homemaker mother. At an early age, he began working in his father’s butcher shop. His father had a strong work ethic and taught Bill never to take a day off, even if he was ill. Vacations were infrequent and had were considered a reward for a job well done. And, of course, a penny saved was considered a future dollar earned.
Nadine’s parents had about the same amount of money as Bill’s, but Nadine was taught that money was to be used for giving and spending and that “tomorrow would take care of itself.” She was generous to a fault and considered issues such as credit card debt just one of life’s small hurdles to be handled when the time came. Although not a spendthrift, she was relaxed and casual around money matters. She liked to play and although she too could be a hard worker, she had been taught that the way one rejuvenated her self was to take as many vacations as she could.
They fell in love, married and within three months they were in my office screaming “divorce.” Bill felt as if Nadine was totally irresponsible, behaved like a child and that her spending habits would put them in the poor house. Nadine felt as if “her wings were clipped,” and as if Bill was looking over her shoulder every second. She described her feelings as being unable to breathe and as if she was going to emotionally die.
Bill and Nadine originally had been attracted to each other by the very differences that they now found impossible to live with. In fact, they were like opposite pairs of bookends. If you put them together, the two halves made a whole. I am sure some sensible part of each of them understood that alone they were unbalanced and together they could make a good team. That is, if they didn’t kill each other first.
Therapy helped them to understand their different histories and expectations and over time, each one slowly moved slightly towards the center. Their disastrous fights lessened and they could begin to remember why they fell in love in the first place. It took courage for each of them to learn how to listen to the other and to give up pieces of their own dearly cherished beliefs. By the time they left therapy, money was rarely an issue between them.
But, I wonder what would have happened to this marriage if they hadn’t received help? I doubt that it would have lasted and it would have gone the way of so many marriages where each partner finds the other’s attitude and ways of managing money totally incomprehensible.
Money is both a metaphor and a reality. Talking openly and communicating about money becomes another way for you and your spouse to get to know each other. Attitudes towards money range from the penurial to the extravagant. There is no reason to run to the divorce court just because you and your spouse have different ways of managing your finances.
Attitudes and relationships towards finances are unique to you and reveal a good deal about who you are and how you operate. Dollars and cents are the interface or unit of exchange between you and society and learning where you stand along the continuum, from prudent to expansive, can help you learn more about how you negotiate through life. The more you understand about yourself and your spouse when money matters, the better chance you have of working out a successful marriage. Try it.
Life is too hard to do alone,
Help Your Marriage Survive The Rough Spots
Every marriage has its ups and downs, its rough periods. Even in the best of circumstances, there are going to be difficult times.
People change.
Circumstances change.
Emotions change.
Over time, the natural ebb and flow of everyday life places incredible pressure on a relationship.
Almost unnoticed at first, you begin to think thoughts that had once been unthinkable. "I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Not anymore." "I'm not attracted to her, not like I was in the beginning." "Maybe if we separated for awhile ..."
The skies can darken in a hurry.
But if you survive these darkest of times, you may find you emerge with a stronger, more trusting relationship than you ever imagined possible.
Here are a few tips that might help you toward that goal ...
== Have a clear understanding of your expectations. Couples rarely take the time to discuss how the little things will work. What does romance mean to each of you? How will the finances be handled? How will your children be raised? What role will religion play in your relationship? What makes you feel loved? What hurts you? How will arguments be resolved? How will decisions be made? What do you need from your spouse, what does your spouse need from you?
== Don't fight unfairly. There will always be disagreements. Deal with the matter at hand. Don't drudge up all your hurts and disappointments from the past. Those are different matters, to be handled separately, at a different time. Keep focused on the issue under discussion and avoid muddying the waters with generalized personal attacks ("You're always nagging." "You never do anything unless I tell you to do it first.")
== Face the issues that are facing you. Hiding from reality never leads to a happy ending. If you're experiencing financial problems, admit it, get it out in the open.
== Be honest with yourself. Take a step back and give yourself a good long look in the mirror. If your behavior is undermining your relationship (whether it's the way you communicate, or how you treat your spouse, or your personal destructive behavior) own up to it.
== Take the initiative. Understand that waiting for your spouse to change first will likely result in no change at all. Actions come first. Thoughts and feelings follow. Change your behaviors and watch your spouse's behaviors change in response.
== Rebuild compatibility. Time has a way of unveiling the differences between couples, especially when your marriage is in trouble. Seek out those interests you have in common with your spouse. Look for opportunities to share activities together. Perhaps it's ballroom dancing, or photography, or camping, or trips to the beach.
== Remember what it was like when you were dating. What was it that first attracted you to your spouse? What made you first fall in love? How can those feelings be rekindled?
== Keep your sense of humor. Life is challenging enough without having to live with a brooding, angry spouse. Laugh out loud the way you did when you were a kid. Happiness is a choice. Exercise it.
Marriage is a sacred vow to love your partner for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till ... well you know the rest. Unfortunately, for many people, the pressures, challenges, and monotony of married life have doused its wonderful positive aspects.
Maybe it's time to rekindle the magic.
People change.
Circumstances change.
Emotions change.
Over time, the natural ebb and flow of everyday life places incredible pressure on a relationship.
Almost unnoticed at first, you begin to think thoughts that had once been unthinkable. "I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Not anymore." "I'm not attracted to her, not like I was in the beginning." "Maybe if we separated for awhile ..."
The skies can darken in a hurry.
But if you survive these darkest of times, you may find you emerge with a stronger, more trusting relationship than you ever imagined possible.
Here are a few tips that might help you toward that goal ...
== Have a clear understanding of your expectations. Couples rarely take the time to discuss how the little things will work. What does romance mean to each of you? How will the finances be handled? How will your children be raised? What role will religion play in your relationship? What makes you feel loved? What hurts you? How will arguments be resolved? How will decisions be made? What do you need from your spouse, what does your spouse need from you?
== Don't fight unfairly. There will always be disagreements. Deal with the matter at hand. Don't drudge up all your hurts and disappointments from the past. Those are different matters, to be handled separately, at a different time. Keep focused on the issue under discussion and avoid muddying the waters with generalized personal attacks ("You're always nagging." "You never do anything unless I tell you to do it first.")
== Face the issues that are facing you. Hiding from reality never leads to a happy ending. If you're experiencing financial problems, admit it, get it out in the open.
== Be honest with yourself. Take a step back and give yourself a good long look in the mirror. If your behavior is undermining your relationship (whether it's the way you communicate, or how you treat your spouse, or your personal destructive behavior) own up to it.
== Take the initiative. Understand that waiting for your spouse to change first will likely result in no change at all. Actions come first. Thoughts and feelings follow. Change your behaviors and watch your spouse's behaviors change in response.
== Rebuild compatibility. Time has a way of unveiling the differences between couples, especially when your marriage is in trouble. Seek out those interests you have in common with your spouse. Look for opportunities to share activities together. Perhaps it's ballroom dancing, or photography, or camping, or trips to the beach.
== Remember what it was like when you were dating. What was it that first attracted you to your spouse? What made you first fall in love? How can those feelings be rekindled?
== Keep your sense of humor. Life is challenging enough without having to live with a brooding, angry spouse. Laugh out loud the way you did when you were a kid. Happiness is a choice. Exercise it.
Marriage is a sacred vow to love your partner for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till ... well you know the rest. Unfortunately, for many people, the pressures, challenges, and monotony of married life have doused its wonderful positive aspects.
Maybe it's time to rekindle the magic.
The Stages of Committed Relationships
When attempting to create a loving, healthy intimate relationship, it is important to have an accurate roadmap for the journey. Most of our culture's roadmaps have emphasized fantasy, illusion and denial, and those who follow those maps will tend to have unhappy, conflict-ridden relationships. What follows is a reality-based roadmap which comes from research into couples' actual experiences of being in long-term relationships.
While theorists disagree on the exact name and number of the stages couples progress through, there is a general consensus that couples go through some version of the following stages. Not everyone goes through all the stages and some couples may go through them in a different sequence, but for most couples this is the normative experience in a long-term committed relationship.
1. ROMANTIC LOVE
This is the love that Hollywood loves to promote as the only kind of love. Romantic love is wonderful, easy, and effortless. It is very spontaneous and alive. The feelings and perceptions that go through both people are that we are one; we are the same. You are perfect. I can give and receive love with little or no effort required. There is a tremendous emphasis on maximizing similarities and minimizing differences. There is a belief and expectation that you will provide most or all of my wants, needs, desires. There is generally a high degree of passion and feelings and expressions of romance come easily and often. The partners think about each other constantly, and make much eye contact and are very affectionate when they are together. Many people experience this as living in a state of near-constant bliss and infatuation. There is a belief that these feelings and experiences will go on forever, that 'we will never disagree on anything', and that somehow fate or forces larger than themselves have brought them together.
This stage generally lasts from six months to two years, and is the SHORTEST stage of any of the stages of long-term committed relationships.
2. ADJUSTING TO REALITY
Ah, reality. Inevitably, predictably, eventually, reality rears its (ugly?) head and the bubble bursts on the Romantic stage. Sometimes it is a slow leak, other times a sudden and complete blowout. But either way, something happens which causes a minor or major conflict in the new relationship. Sometimes the trigger is living together and having to share household chores and experiencing personal habits up close. Sometimes it is an act of deception which is discovered. Sometimes it is planning a wedding, buying a house, or sharing finances. Whatever the cause, after the conflict occurs, it becomes impossible to continue the fantasy that this person and this relationship are immune from struggle, from effort, from reality. Differences which were previously obscured suddenly become visible. Conflicts, anxieties, disappointment and hurt replace the effortless flow of the Romantic stage. There is a sense that this person is not living up your hopes and dreams, and there is an accompanying loss of closeness. Gradually each person is forced to relinquish some of their most cherished romantic fantasies, or to cling to them desperately in a state of denial.
In this stage, it is common to feel as if someone or something or even Life itself has cheated you or robbed you of something precious, almost like a stage of grieving the loss of something innocent and wonderful. There is a desire to be close again but confusion as how to create that. It is the first time that fears of intimacy begin to arise. Suddenly the couple must learn how to deal with very real differences, how to deal with conflict, and how to integrate being an independent person as well as someone in an intimate relationship.
In short, Adjusting to Reality is the stage where the Real Relationship begins.
3. THE POWER STRUGGLE
As the disillusionment of the Adjusting to Reality stage deepens, the couple tends to have more disagreements. Minor issues blow up into larger arguments. Yelling appears for the first time, if it ever will. Both partners dig in their heels and defend their positions on issues fiercely. Each person digs in their heels and protects their turf. This once-tender effortless loving relationship has become a battleground and evolved into a daily Power Struggle. This is a typical stage in the development of a long-term committed relationship.
For the first time in the relationship, there are occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. This person who only recently appeared to be the embodiment of pure love and joy in your eyes suddenly seems self-centered and not to be trusted. Doubts arise as to whether the other person really loves you. There are consistent feelings of ambivalence and anger. Blaming and accusing becomes the most common form of interaction. Each partner is afraid of giving in, and wants the other to change. This is where deep resentments begin to form, which if left unchecked, become the cancer that eventually eats away at all the love and tenderness that has come before. Sarcasm and hostility enter into daily conversations.
This does not have to be the end of the relationship. The tasks for the couple here are to develop problem-solving, conflict resolution and negotiating skills. The conflicts will clearly not go away on their own. Each person much learn to listen respectfully to their partner's position, even if they don't agree with it. They must learn to support their partner's own growth, even if they feel it compromises their own. They may see the origins of the patterns of their conflicts (and their dysfunctional ways of resolving them) in their family of origin.
4. RE-EVALUATION
The Power Struggle is physically and emotionally draining, and if the couple can survive, they move into the next stage, of a conscious Re-Evaluation of the relationship. Whereas the original commitment one makes is typically based on projections of fantasy, this Re-Evaluation takes into account the reality and fears and defenses of each person. Do I really want to stay with this person? You know who this person is now, you know their limitations, and you know the range of which they are capable of improving or getting better. Knowing all that, do you still want to stay? That is the question that gets answered during this stage.
Both people tend to turn outward to resolve their issues, instead of toward each other. As a result, fears of abandonment come up strongly here. Can I make by myself? Am I really okay the way I am? Will anyone else find me attractive or appealing?
Both people emotionally (and sometimes physically) disengage and withdraw during this stage, which makes it the stage in which separation, divorce and/or an affair are most likely to occur. Feelings of resentment are less intense in this stage, as the affect in the relationship is likely to be very flat and empty. The sexual relationship sporadic at best and more likely non-existent. Things are ripe for an affair to burst on the scene, and often a person in this stage will begin to confide in someone of the opposite sex. This confidante will take on more and more importance in the person's life, due to their neediness and vulnerability, and they will often get emotionally very involved without consciously realizing it. At this point even the slightest affection is like throwing a match in the forest on a hot summer day, and a passionate, intense affair will begin.
The danger is that when an affair begins at this stage, it is almost impossible for the relationship to recover. The primary relationship has too little going for it in the way of gratification on either side, and the inevitable comparisons between the affair and the relationship seem like night and day.
A separation can be useful here to help each person gain perspective, due that too can lead to the demise of the relationship if outside gratifications seem to dwarf the emptiness of the relationship.
The task for each person here is to stay present and honor their commitment, develop individually and be able to see their partner as a separate person. This is the only way the relationship can survive and move into the next stage.
5. RECONCILIATION
In this stage, after the distance of the Re-evaluation, if the relationship has survived, there is a re-awakening of interest in getting closer and connecting again. Knowing all that they know, coming from reality and not fantasy, there is a decision to have the willingness to try once again. There is an open acceptance of the conflicts and differences in the relationship, but they are approached with a different attitude: they are used as opportunities for learning about oneself and the other person. They are catalysts for growth and change. There is a recognition that the differences are real and won't go away, and that neither person can really change the other. Thus begins a process of struggling to create an honest, genuine intimate relationship. The people connect again and the relationship again begins to produce ongoing satisfaction for both partners.
In this stage there is also a deeper sense of taking responsibility for one's part in conflict and in lack of satisfaction. Each person may recognize the link between what they learned as children in their families of origin and how they approach intimate relationships. They own their distortions and projections onto their partners. They begin to see their partner as they see themselves, as a somewhat flawed yet decent person who is making a sincere effort to love and be close and still take care of their own needs.
There is a deeper acceptance in this stage that any relationship cannot and will not save you in any sense. You still have your own individual needs and issues and they does not go away just because you are in a relationship. But the part of your life that can be nurtured and shared in a loving, accepting relationship is also real and in this stage each person looks to the other for that connection. The war is over, the conflicts are accepted, and there is a sincere desire to learn how to work through the issues to a satisfying resolution.
6. ACCEPTANCE
The final stage in a committed relationship, which researchers estimate less than 5% of couples ever reach, is one of complete Acceptance. There is an integration of the need of the self and the needs of the relationship. Each person takes responsibility for their own needs, for their own individual lives, and also for providing support for their partner. A high level of warmth is present. The couple is able to maintain a balance between autonomy and union. Conflicts still arise on occasion, but as a result of the struggles of the previous stage, the couple has figured out how to resolve most conflicts relatively quickly. Resentments are few. There are few surprises: these are people who know one another and know what to expect. They accept what they are getting, with no denial or fantasy involved. They work together as a team to stay connected and also maintain their own identities.
These are the six stages that most couples go through during a long-term committed relationship. While not every couple goes through every stage or in that exact sequence, nonetheless this roadmap, based on the research on actual couples' experiences of intimate relationship, still provides the best roadmap we have available for charting the most likely path of an long-term committed relationship. And if we have a roadmap, we can chart the healthiest and least disruptive path to the goal of a fulfilling, intimate relationship.
While theorists disagree on the exact name and number of the stages couples progress through, there is a general consensus that couples go through some version of the following stages. Not everyone goes through all the stages and some couples may go through them in a different sequence, but for most couples this is the normative experience in a long-term committed relationship.
1. ROMANTIC LOVE
This is the love that Hollywood loves to promote as the only kind of love. Romantic love is wonderful, easy, and effortless. It is very spontaneous and alive. The feelings and perceptions that go through both people are that we are one; we are the same. You are perfect. I can give and receive love with little or no effort required. There is a tremendous emphasis on maximizing similarities and minimizing differences. There is a belief and expectation that you will provide most or all of my wants, needs, desires. There is generally a high degree of passion and feelings and expressions of romance come easily and often. The partners think about each other constantly, and make much eye contact and are very affectionate when they are together. Many people experience this as living in a state of near-constant bliss and infatuation. There is a belief that these feelings and experiences will go on forever, that 'we will never disagree on anything', and that somehow fate or forces larger than themselves have brought them together.
This stage generally lasts from six months to two years, and is the SHORTEST stage of any of the stages of long-term committed relationships.
2. ADJUSTING TO REALITY
Ah, reality. Inevitably, predictably, eventually, reality rears its (ugly?) head and the bubble bursts on the Romantic stage. Sometimes it is a slow leak, other times a sudden and complete blowout. But either way, something happens which causes a minor or major conflict in the new relationship. Sometimes the trigger is living together and having to share household chores and experiencing personal habits up close. Sometimes it is an act of deception which is discovered. Sometimes it is planning a wedding, buying a house, or sharing finances. Whatever the cause, after the conflict occurs, it becomes impossible to continue the fantasy that this person and this relationship are immune from struggle, from effort, from reality. Differences which were previously obscured suddenly become visible. Conflicts, anxieties, disappointment and hurt replace the effortless flow of the Romantic stage. There is a sense that this person is not living up your hopes and dreams, and there is an accompanying loss of closeness. Gradually each person is forced to relinquish some of their most cherished romantic fantasies, or to cling to them desperately in a state of denial.
In this stage, it is common to feel as if someone or something or even Life itself has cheated you or robbed you of something precious, almost like a stage of grieving the loss of something innocent and wonderful. There is a desire to be close again but confusion as how to create that. It is the first time that fears of intimacy begin to arise. Suddenly the couple must learn how to deal with very real differences, how to deal with conflict, and how to integrate being an independent person as well as someone in an intimate relationship.
In short, Adjusting to Reality is the stage where the Real Relationship begins.
3. THE POWER STRUGGLE
As the disillusionment of the Adjusting to Reality stage deepens, the couple tends to have more disagreements. Minor issues blow up into larger arguments. Yelling appears for the first time, if it ever will. Both partners dig in their heels and defend their positions on issues fiercely. Each person digs in their heels and protects their turf. This once-tender effortless loving relationship has become a battleground and evolved into a daily Power Struggle. This is a typical stage in the development of a long-term committed relationship.
For the first time in the relationship, there are occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. This person who only recently appeared to be the embodiment of pure love and joy in your eyes suddenly seems self-centered and not to be trusted. Doubts arise as to whether the other person really loves you. There are consistent feelings of ambivalence and anger. Blaming and accusing becomes the most common form of interaction. Each partner is afraid of giving in, and wants the other to change. This is where deep resentments begin to form, which if left unchecked, become the cancer that eventually eats away at all the love and tenderness that has come before. Sarcasm and hostility enter into daily conversations.
This does not have to be the end of the relationship. The tasks for the couple here are to develop problem-solving, conflict resolution and negotiating skills. The conflicts will clearly not go away on their own. Each person much learn to listen respectfully to their partner's position, even if they don't agree with it. They must learn to support their partner's own growth, even if they feel it compromises their own. They may see the origins of the patterns of their conflicts (and their dysfunctional ways of resolving them) in their family of origin.
4. RE-EVALUATION
The Power Struggle is physically and emotionally draining, and if the couple can survive, they move into the next stage, of a conscious Re-Evaluation of the relationship. Whereas the original commitment one makes is typically based on projections of fantasy, this Re-Evaluation takes into account the reality and fears and defenses of each person. Do I really want to stay with this person? You know who this person is now, you know their limitations, and you know the range of which they are capable of improving or getting better. Knowing all that, do you still want to stay? That is the question that gets answered during this stage.
Both people tend to turn outward to resolve their issues, instead of toward each other. As a result, fears of abandonment come up strongly here. Can I make by myself? Am I really okay the way I am? Will anyone else find me attractive or appealing?
Both people emotionally (and sometimes physically) disengage and withdraw during this stage, which makes it the stage in which separation, divorce and/or an affair are most likely to occur. Feelings of resentment are less intense in this stage, as the affect in the relationship is likely to be very flat and empty. The sexual relationship sporadic at best and more likely non-existent. Things are ripe for an affair to burst on the scene, and often a person in this stage will begin to confide in someone of the opposite sex. This confidante will take on more and more importance in the person's life, due to their neediness and vulnerability, and they will often get emotionally very involved without consciously realizing it. At this point even the slightest affection is like throwing a match in the forest on a hot summer day, and a passionate, intense affair will begin.
The danger is that when an affair begins at this stage, it is almost impossible for the relationship to recover. The primary relationship has too little going for it in the way of gratification on either side, and the inevitable comparisons between the affair and the relationship seem like night and day.
A separation can be useful here to help each person gain perspective, due that too can lead to the demise of the relationship if outside gratifications seem to dwarf the emptiness of the relationship.
The task for each person here is to stay present and honor their commitment, develop individually and be able to see their partner as a separate person. This is the only way the relationship can survive and move into the next stage.
5. RECONCILIATION
In this stage, after the distance of the Re-evaluation, if the relationship has survived, there is a re-awakening of interest in getting closer and connecting again. Knowing all that they know, coming from reality and not fantasy, there is a decision to have the willingness to try once again. There is an open acceptance of the conflicts and differences in the relationship, but they are approached with a different attitude: they are used as opportunities for learning about oneself and the other person. They are catalysts for growth and change. There is a recognition that the differences are real and won't go away, and that neither person can really change the other. Thus begins a process of struggling to create an honest, genuine intimate relationship. The people connect again and the relationship again begins to produce ongoing satisfaction for both partners.
In this stage there is also a deeper sense of taking responsibility for one's part in conflict and in lack of satisfaction. Each person may recognize the link between what they learned as children in their families of origin and how they approach intimate relationships. They own their distortions and projections onto their partners. They begin to see their partner as they see themselves, as a somewhat flawed yet decent person who is making a sincere effort to love and be close and still take care of their own needs.
There is a deeper acceptance in this stage that any relationship cannot and will not save you in any sense. You still have your own individual needs and issues and they does not go away just because you are in a relationship. But the part of your life that can be nurtured and shared in a loving, accepting relationship is also real and in this stage each person looks to the other for that connection. The war is over, the conflicts are accepted, and there is a sincere desire to learn how to work through the issues to a satisfying resolution.
6. ACCEPTANCE
The final stage in a committed relationship, which researchers estimate less than 5% of couples ever reach, is one of complete Acceptance. There is an integration of the need of the self and the needs of the relationship. Each person takes responsibility for their own needs, for their own individual lives, and also for providing support for their partner. A high level of warmth is present. The couple is able to maintain a balance between autonomy and union. Conflicts still arise on occasion, but as a result of the struggles of the previous stage, the couple has figured out how to resolve most conflicts relatively quickly. Resentments are few. There are few surprises: these are people who know one another and know what to expect. They accept what they are getting, with no denial or fantasy involved. They work together as a team to stay connected and also maintain their own identities.
These are the six stages that most couples go through during a long-term committed relationship. While not every couple goes through every stage or in that exact sequence, nonetheless this roadmap, based on the research on actual couples' experiences of intimate relationship, still provides the best roadmap we have available for charting the most likely path of an long-term committed relationship. And if we have a roadmap, we can chart the healthiest and least disruptive path to the goal of a fulfilling, intimate relationship.
The Gift of Conflict
"No man is an island" said John Donne in 1624, and while he may be guilty of sexism, he appears ahead of his time in other ways as he expresses a basic ecological and spiritual principle, going on to say, "...every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in all of mankind."
The great naturalist John Muir expressed a similar sentiment in this 1906 writing, "When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe." Indeed there is a seamless web to which we are all inextricably intertwined; a cosmic, universal web in which the pure essence of life flows through all creation. The electronic connections of the World Wide Web are just beginning to externalize in material form what has always existed in energetic form.
And yet, if we are all connected in this manner, this means that whether we like it or not, we are inevitably in relationship with all things and all peoples. What is the nature of this relationship? As discussed in Buddhist psychology, all relationships in the mind and in the world ultimately take on one of three forms: we're either neutral; we like; or we dislike the other that we’re in relationship with.
It seems self-evident that we would want to collect as many in the "like" column as possible: we naturally move towards those people, experiences and places which resonate harmoniously within us. But this betrays an important truth: some of our best teachers and most profound lessons come from those experiences and people we dislike, from those who "push our buttons", from those we cannot stand to be around. And why is that? It’s because these experiences and people force us to see life from a different perspective, to get out of our self-created, self-limiting cocoons and filters of reality and consider alternative possibilities. They force us to grow, to learn, and to expand our beliefs about ourselves and the nature of life. Conflict energizes any system and when approached with a positive, constructive attitude, leads to creative solutions and ideas. For conflict prods and encourages us to stretch further, dig deeper and learn to be better people. It’s easy to be compassionate and loving with those that treat us well, but the real growth comes when we can treat everyone we interact with in a loving manner, and in so doing honor that universal essence which flows through us all.
Well, you might say, that sounds good in theory, but how do I deal with my resistance to such people and experiences? Here are some helpful tips:
-seek out those that have a different belief system or world view than you do. Really try to understand how and why they think and believe the way they do. None other than Sigmund Freud once claimed that it was "intellectual suicide" to only talk to people who believe what you do (though he was also famous for surrounding himself with "true believers" and not speaking with others who dared to opposed his ideas!)
-if someone you meet elicits a very strong negative feeling in you, examine that feeling in detail. What is it about their ideas or personality that grates you so much? Do you, as Shakespeare said, "...doth protest too much?" That is, is there something in YOU that is similar to this person that makes you want to run the other way? In his wonderful book "A Path With Heart", Jack Kornfield relates the tale of his returning to New York City after living in an ashram for years and leading the life of a renunciate. He felt completely at peace and that he had mastered the art of feeling serene in any situation. However, while waiting for a family member in the waiting room of a salon, several women looked critically at him and the way he was dressed, and suddenly he was flooded with enormous anger welling up inside of him. He realized that his spiritual training had not touched an entire other dimension of life, the interpersonal, and this experience led to his entering psychotherapy to understand why he reacted so strongly.
-learn to see each person you meet as your teacher. What does the person next to you right now have to teach? Your spouse? Your boss? Your neighbor? Everyone truly does have something to teach you about life if you are open to it. Remember Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha, who, upon meeting up with the beautiful Kamala, remarked, "Such women will always have much to teach." Yes, and so will people you perceive of as materialistic, selfish and greedy business owners; unpleasant and unhelpful service workers; and loud and arrogant personalities, to name just a few.
-look into your past and ask this question: who does this person remind me of? Have I been holding onto a grudge, a hurt or a resentment for many years that this person has come into my life now to remind me of? If so, explore ways of resolving your own issue that’s getting projected onto this person. This person may be a signpost of something in you that may need attention.
So don’t be afraid of conflict. Rather than avoid it, embrace and invite conflict into your life! Conflict is an opportunity to learn, to grow, to stretch and become a healthier, more creative and evolved person. Let each conflict help to transform you into the healthiest, most loving person you can become.
The great naturalist John Muir expressed a similar sentiment in this 1906 writing, "When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe." Indeed there is a seamless web to which we are all inextricably intertwined; a cosmic, universal web in which the pure essence of life flows through all creation. The electronic connections of the World Wide Web are just beginning to externalize in material form what has always existed in energetic form.
And yet, if we are all connected in this manner, this means that whether we like it or not, we are inevitably in relationship with all things and all peoples. What is the nature of this relationship? As discussed in Buddhist psychology, all relationships in the mind and in the world ultimately take on one of three forms: we're either neutral; we like; or we dislike the other that we’re in relationship with.
It seems self-evident that we would want to collect as many in the "like" column as possible: we naturally move towards those people, experiences and places which resonate harmoniously within us. But this betrays an important truth: some of our best teachers and most profound lessons come from those experiences and people we dislike, from those who "push our buttons", from those we cannot stand to be around. And why is that? It’s because these experiences and people force us to see life from a different perspective, to get out of our self-created, self-limiting cocoons and filters of reality and consider alternative possibilities. They force us to grow, to learn, and to expand our beliefs about ourselves and the nature of life. Conflict energizes any system and when approached with a positive, constructive attitude, leads to creative solutions and ideas. For conflict prods and encourages us to stretch further, dig deeper and learn to be better people. It’s easy to be compassionate and loving with those that treat us well, but the real growth comes when we can treat everyone we interact with in a loving manner, and in so doing honor that universal essence which flows through us all.
Well, you might say, that sounds good in theory, but how do I deal with my resistance to such people and experiences? Here are some helpful tips:
-seek out those that have a different belief system or world view than you do. Really try to understand how and why they think and believe the way they do. None other than Sigmund Freud once claimed that it was "intellectual suicide" to only talk to people who believe what you do (though he was also famous for surrounding himself with "true believers" and not speaking with others who dared to opposed his ideas!)
-if someone you meet elicits a very strong negative feeling in you, examine that feeling in detail. What is it about their ideas or personality that grates you so much? Do you, as Shakespeare said, "...doth protest too much?" That is, is there something in YOU that is similar to this person that makes you want to run the other way? In his wonderful book "A Path With Heart", Jack Kornfield relates the tale of his returning to New York City after living in an ashram for years and leading the life of a renunciate. He felt completely at peace and that he had mastered the art of feeling serene in any situation. However, while waiting for a family member in the waiting room of a salon, several women looked critically at him and the way he was dressed, and suddenly he was flooded with enormous anger welling up inside of him. He realized that his spiritual training had not touched an entire other dimension of life, the interpersonal, and this experience led to his entering psychotherapy to understand why he reacted so strongly.
-learn to see each person you meet as your teacher. What does the person next to you right now have to teach? Your spouse? Your boss? Your neighbor? Everyone truly does have something to teach you about life if you are open to it. Remember Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha, who, upon meeting up with the beautiful Kamala, remarked, "Such women will always have much to teach." Yes, and so will people you perceive of as materialistic, selfish and greedy business owners; unpleasant and unhelpful service workers; and loud and arrogant personalities, to name just a few.
-look into your past and ask this question: who does this person remind me of? Have I been holding onto a grudge, a hurt or a resentment for many years that this person has come into my life now to remind me of? If so, explore ways of resolving your own issue that’s getting projected onto this person. This person may be a signpost of something in you that may need attention.
So don’t be afraid of conflict. Rather than avoid it, embrace and invite conflict into your life! Conflict is an opportunity to learn, to grow, to stretch and become a healthier, more creative and evolved person. Let each conflict help to transform you into the healthiest, most loving person you can become.
The Importance of Dating Defensively
In the beginning of dating, when the love, infatuation and romance is out in full force, there is a strong desire to move closer and deeper as quickly as possible. The danger in this is that you really barely know the true person you are dating. "Dating defensivel" is a good idea, especially in the first few months. It is essential that you determine how emotionally and physically safe you are with this person that you barely know.
The following is a list of the most common issues to be mindful of in your new dating partner. While none of these issues means you should immediately stop seeing someone, realize that the greater the number of issues your new dating partner has that are on this list, the greater your potential to be hurt. And remember that in the beginning of dating, this is as good as it gets! So if you're seeing red flags during a time in which everything is set up to be easy and fun, it is not a good sign and you should proceed very cautiously.
The purpose of dating is to learn as much about the person as possible, and have fun at the same time. The following list will help you get a good sense about how safe this person is for you. Read this list over after you start dating someone. Refer to it frequently, so you don't let denial set you up to get hurt.
Red flags should go up when the person you are dating...
* avoids discussing their past or present life, or does so only vaguely
* appears overly dependent on family members
* seems to have few or no personal boundaries
* exhibits excessive alcohol or drug use/abuse
* exhibits frequent flirting or staring at others; seems to need constant attention
* is not emotionally finished with ex-spouses/ex-lovers
* is recently divorced or broken up from relationship
* has credit problems, debts, shaky finances, undergoing a "temporary bad time"
* seems to need to be in control at all times
* never shows any fear or vulnerability
* is unreliable; doesn't follow through on prearranged plans; is constantly late
* expresses an overfocus on sexual themes
* has few or no long-term friendships or previous relationships
* interrupts without listening; talks only about self and never asks you about you
* is unavailable through overwork or excessive interests, family, children
* has a negative, pessimistic outlook on life; constantly critical of others; sarcastic sense of humor
* does not take care of self in diet, exercise, appearance
* cannot tolerate feedback from others without getting defensive
* exhibits excessive computer use
* has inappropriate ways of handling conflicts, or avoids conflict entirely whenever possible
* exhibits an inappropriate expression of anger
The following is a list of the most common issues to be mindful of in your new dating partner. While none of these issues means you should immediately stop seeing someone, realize that the greater the number of issues your new dating partner has that are on this list, the greater your potential to be hurt. And remember that in the beginning of dating, this is as good as it gets! So if you're seeing red flags during a time in which everything is set up to be easy and fun, it is not a good sign and you should proceed very cautiously.
The purpose of dating is to learn as much about the person as possible, and have fun at the same time. The following list will help you get a good sense about how safe this person is for you. Read this list over after you start dating someone. Refer to it frequently, so you don't let denial set you up to get hurt.
Red flags should go up when the person you are dating...
* avoids discussing their past or present life, or does so only vaguely
* appears overly dependent on family members
* seems to have few or no personal boundaries
* exhibits excessive alcohol or drug use/abuse
* exhibits frequent flirting or staring at others; seems to need constant attention
* is not emotionally finished with ex-spouses/ex-lovers
* is recently divorced or broken up from relationship
* has credit problems, debts, shaky finances, undergoing a "temporary bad time"
* seems to need to be in control at all times
* never shows any fear or vulnerability
* is unreliable; doesn't follow through on prearranged plans; is constantly late
* expresses an overfocus on sexual themes
* has few or no long-term friendships or previous relationships
* interrupts without listening; talks only about self and never asks you about you
* is unavailable through overwork or excessive interests, family, children
* has a negative, pessimistic outlook on life; constantly critical of others; sarcastic sense of humor
* does not take care of self in diet, exercise, appearance
* cannot tolerate feedback from others without getting defensive
* exhibits excessive computer use
* has inappropriate ways of handling conflicts, or avoids conflict entirely whenever possible
* exhibits an inappropriate expression of anger
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