have recently been working with a lot of parent clients who appear to have a theme going on with their teenagers and that theme is letting go, so I thought I would write a bit about that.
These clients are successful women who absolutely want the best for their children, as long as it fits in with their idea of what is best. When it comes to their child making a decision which is not what they expected, they find it very difficult to let their child be with this decision. In some instances they use very underhand strategies to have their child not make this decision. A lot of the time they e-mail me, telling me what they are about to do, asking if it is the right thing to do. I always say that it depends upon the intention behind it. If the intention is to have them change their minds, then no; if the intention is to just give them information, then yes. Needleless to say, they realise very quickly that their intentions are not of the highest.
You see, parenting or being a leader to your child is all about your view, your intentions, your speech and your actions. When all of these are in line, authentic and for the higher good of yourself and your child, then you have hit gold. However to do this, the biggest thing you have do first is let go of your way being the right way. There are many ways to achieve the same result and just because you did it this way does not mean they have to.
So how do you let go? What do you do if your child will not listen to your advice?
Here are some tips for you out of my book
1. They are not you!
Check in with yourself, makes sure that you are not trying to live the life you did not have through your teenager. Your teenager is not you, they are their own person and that is how you need to treat them. You are not raising a teenager to lead the life you want them to or do the job/profession that you think is acceptable. You are raising a unique individual. Let them be that. Make a list now of all the things you want for your teenager, the job you would want them to have, the life you would want them to lead and then throw it away. Ask yourself a better question. "How do I want my child to feel while they are living their life?" You will realise that really, you just want them to be happy and who knows how to make them happier than themselves!
2. Get over the story!
Get over the story you are telling yourselves because they do not listen to your advice. Yes, you will be telling yourself one. Every tiny mistake your teenager makes, you will be assuming the worst. Confront this story head on, that way it has no power over you and you begin to make decisions based on the truth as it is now, rather than a number of made up situations in your head. When you feel yourself panicking and thinking of the worse possible outcomes, get a pen and paper and write down the story you are telling yourself. Read it again and again until you realise how ridiculous it is, then throw it away.
3. Manage yourself first
Bringing up a child, remember, is all about managing yourself first. Note to self -- all the worrying is all about you really, not your child. Look at your own feelings and worries about your child and ask what you can do to ease them. What support do you need, what systems do you need to put in place? Be honest with yourself; teenagers have a great habit of bringing up their parents "stuff", so look at yourself first and get down and dirty with what is up for you.
4. You are the same, but different.
Just because your teenager may be making what you think is the wrong decision, it does not mean that things will end up how you think they will. Make a list of all the ways that you and your teenager are the same and all the ways that you and your teenager are different. How might your teenager deal with the situation in a different way to you? What skills do they have that will help them in this situation? Have they dealt with similar situations before that have had a positive ending? What comfort can you gain by examining how they have dealt with situations in the past?
5. Open up to possibilities
Get storming. Brainstorm all the possible outcomes of the decisions they are making. We mostly panic when we think that there is only one choice or one way for something to end up. Open your mind to the other possibilities. Get a piece of paper and a pen now and think of at least 20 possible outcomes to the situation, now think of another 10. For extra brownies points, ask your teen how they think this situation will turn out.
6. Support
Now you can see this situation more clearly. Step yourself out of rescue mode -- yes, things may go wrong and that is OK - and into support mode. Start asking your teen what support they need, rather than trying to butt in and influence their decisions. Look at the five areas of support and ask yourself how you fare. Be brave and ask your teen how they think you fare. When your teen is making decisions, think of support questions that you can ask around the 5 areas.
Financial Emotional Physical Intellectual Spiritual
7. Allow your teen to talk
Spend time just listening and I mean really listening to your teenager; their hopes, their fears. Keep your lips shut and just listen. Make every day a learning opportunity where you will learn how great your teen is just by listening to them. Start with 5 minutes a day and keep upping, it heading for an ultimate of 30-60 minutes. And if there is no way they will speak with you for that long, don't worry, just listen intently in the time you have.
8. Let the greatness shine through.
Look at your teen with different eyes and see how great they are, believe that they can and will make the right decisions. Step back, get off their case and stop trying to influence them. Give them A+ in decision-making and know that they will shine if only you allow them. This is, after all, why they listen to their friends so much, because they believe in them.
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