One question we often hear from singles is about dating one person versus dating more than one person at a time. It is a good question and gets right to the heart of healthy dating practices.
For many single adults, there has been a history of dating one person, seeing if it will lead to a close significant relationship, and taking the relationship as far as possible. After it ends, the cycle then repeats: find and date just one new person. While there is certainly nothing wrong with trying to create a close relationship with one person, in our view this approach falls short in several respects.
First of all, the purpose of dating is to have fun; explore how emotionally and physically safe it is to be with your dating partner; learn as much as you can about this person; and ultimately discover if you are compatible for a long-term relationship (if that is what you desire). In keeping with the purpose of dating, we advocate a conservative, defensive posture since it is our experience that there are many more people that don't know how to date in a healthy manner than those that do. It is dangerous and risky to place yourself in a vulnerable situation until you really know who you are with.
Secondly, if you are coming out of a lonely period, it is more difficult to be objective about your new dating partner. It is difficult enough to keep your wits about you if you experience some degree of falling in love or infatuation with this person. When that is coupled with not having been with someone for a while, it is an extremely potent combination that can quickly escalate into a full-blown intense relationship, often before you really know who you are dating.
We often talk in our workshops about the importance of de-intensifying the beginning of a relationship, if you want to date in a healthy manner. Going for the maximum adrenaline rush might help you temporarily feel very alive, but is often a set-up to get badly hurt, since you just won't see the red flags that are staring you in the face.
The two best ways to de-intensify a new relationship are not seeing the person (or even having phone or voice mail or email contact) every day, and dating other people. When you date only one person, you have nothing to compare that person with. You will tend to project all of your romantic fantasies (and other unfinished business) onto this person that you barely know. By dating other people at the same time, you give yourself a built-in reality check to insure that you see things a bit more clearly.
"Fine", people say, "but how do you tell someone that you're dating other people?" That's easy: be honest. Remember, you want to learn as much as possible about this person. Their reaction to your telling them you're dating others will reveal some valuable things about their personality and maturity.
There are three rules of thumb for dating more than one person:
*
tell people honestly if you're dating more than one person, and why;
*
if you initiate a physical relationship with someone, let the other people you're dating know about that;
*
if you become very romantically close to one person, decide if it's time to date exclusively.
Dating more than one person is a great way to de-intensify the beginning of a relationship, to learn more about each person you are dating, and to truly assess the health of each dating experience by having a clear basis for comparison. Remember, it's your heart which is ultimately at stake. Choose wisely!
Friday 24 April 2009
Resolving Conflict, Creating Solutions
Many people view conflicts in a relationship as a bad sign, as if couples should not have disagreements. At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, our view is that conflicts are inevitable in intimate relationships, and moreover they can be seen as excellent opportunities for both personal and relational growth. From this perspective, conflict is not something to be avoided or minimized but rather to be embraced as a signal that something needs to change or grow in either or both people.
However, couples often have areas of conflict that cause repetitive arguments that are very difficult to resolve. If you are experiencing such conflict, you might want to try to use the following method to resolve it. If you are unable to successfully resolve the problem using these tools, though, it probably means that the issue is a deeper one which requires professional help such as Couples Therapy to resolve.
To resolve an ongoing conflict:
1. Identify the area of conflict as specifically as possible. You cannot solve a conflict which is vaguely defined.
EXAMPLES OF POORLY DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"You're a slob"
"The house is a mess"
"You always run up the credit cards"
EXAMPLES OF WELL-DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"I feel we're not working as a team on the house cleaning"
"I feel anxious because we haven't yet paid off our debts and started saving for retirement"
2. Using the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise, take turns and each of you state your feelings and thoughts on the issue.
-Take as long as it takes for you to state your position and feel that your partner has really heard you
-Just doing this Communication Exercise sometimes resolves a conflict, though not always
-Do not go on to the next step until BOTH OF YOU feel heard by the other one
3. Brainstorm at least five possible solutions, preferably more.
-Be creative!
-Don't worry about being practical; focus on generating as many solutions as possible
-Write down all the solutions
4. Go through the Solution List together and pick one that you BOTH agree to try.
-There may be one obvious solution that you both agree on
-You both may have to compromise somewhat to agree on one solution to try
-Remember that no solution is carved in stone! This is an experiment for a limited period of time that will be evaluated and changed if it does not meet both partners' needs.
5. State the Experimental Solution as specifically as possible. Write it down if you like.
EXAMPLE OF POORLY DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
"We'll put on music and clean the house when it gets dirty"
EXAMPLE OF WELL-DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
"Every Thursday night at 8:00 pm we'll both clean the house for two hours. I will vacuum the living room and clean the bathroom; you will dump the garbage and clean the kitchen floor. We'll take turns choosing music every other week to help make it more fun."
6. Agree on a specific date and time (usually within 2-4 weeks) to review how the Experimental Solution is going.
-Make sure nothing will interfere with the Solution Review
-Use the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise to review how it's going for each of you
-Decide if you want to continue implementing the Solution
-If you don't like the Solution, modify or enhance it if possible. If that's not possible, start over at the beginning of this exercise.
However, couples often have areas of conflict that cause repetitive arguments that are very difficult to resolve. If you are experiencing such conflict, you might want to try to use the following method to resolve it. If you are unable to successfully resolve the problem using these tools, though, it probably means that the issue is a deeper one which requires professional help such as Couples Therapy to resolve.
To resolve an ongoing conflict:
1. Identify the area of conflict as specifically as possible. You cannot solve a conflict which is vaguely defined.
EXAMPLES OF POORLY DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"You're a slob"
"The house is a mess"
"You always run up the credit cards"
EXAMPLES OF WELL-DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"I feel we're not working as a team on the house cleaning"
"I feel anxious because we haven't yet paid off our debts and started saving for retirement"
2. Using the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise, take turns and each of you state your feelings and thoughts on the issue.
-Take as long as it takes for you to state your position and feel that your partner has really heard you
-Just doing this Communication Exercise sometimes resolves a conflict, though not always
-Do not go on to the next step until BOTH OF YOU feel heard by the other one
3. Brainstorm at least five possible solutions, preferably more.
-Be creative!
-Don't worry about being practical; focus on generating as many solutions as possible
-Write down all the solutions
4. Go through the Solution List together and pick one that you BOTH agree to try.
-There may be one obvious solution that you both agree on
-You both may have to compromise somewhat to agree on one solution to try
-Remember that no solution is carved in stone! This is an experiment for a limited period of time that will be evaluated and changed if it does not meet both partners' needs.
5. State the Experimental Solution as specifically as possible. Write it down if you like.
EXAMPLE OF POORLY DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
"We'll put on music and clean the house when it gets dirty"
EXAMPLE OF WELL-DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
"Every Thursday night at 8:00 pm we'll both clean the house for two hours. I will vacuum the living room and clean the bathroom; you will dump the garbage and clean the kitchen floor. We'll take turns choosing music every other week to help make it more fun."
6. Agree on a specific date and time (usually within 2-4 weeks) to review how the Experimental Solution is going.
-Make sure nothing will interfere with the Solution Review
-Use the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise to review how it's going for each of you
-Decide if you want to continue implementing the Solution
-If you don't like the Solution, modify or enhance it if possible. If that's not possible, start over at the beginning of this exercise.
Seeing Your Partner as Your Teacher
In our work with couples, one of the most universal frustrations we hear about relates to one central theme: why can’t my partner see it MY way? It usually goes something like this: I know MY way of seeing things is right, true, and correct, yet I can’t seem to get him or her to understand this! How can they be so ___________ ! (insert your favorite negative judgement of your partner here).
What is the deepest meaning of this frustration? And how can we use our awareness and wisdom to break through this judgement into deeper levels of intimacy and love?
When we fall in love, our spirits soar, and we are capable of extraordinary vision, unselfishness and sensitivity. Our normal defenses melt away and our hearts open wide. But at some point we enter another stage where our egos manage to assert themselves in the relationship. And when that happens, our concerns shift: what’s in it for me? Am I getting MY needs met? Are you really as wonderful as I thought? Are we really NOT compatible? Are we NOT as alike as I thought we were? Distance replaces the blissful union of infatuation, and instead of a host of harmonious blendings of values and ideas, differences may appear glaring. The consequence of the ego taking over is that our pure loving hearts shut down. The ego typically is afraid to surrender control, for that would mean changing. So the ego fiercely defends its turf: I am right, you are wrong. I see the truth, you are obviously deluded. We don’t do this to create problems. On the contrary, there is a profound disappointment that accompanies the loss of closeness, and at the deepest level we desire to return to that state of oneness. If we can’t spontaneously experirence that union, the next best thing is to try to change our partner and make them more like us.
But once the egos take center stage, a power struggle often begins, with each person defending their point of view instead of listening to the other with empathy and genuine concern. What can a couple do who recognizes they are in this combative energy? How can they regain their openness to love? One very important shift in attitude is to see your partner not as your adversary, but as your teacher. Remember that your partner is really the most accurate, honest mirror you have: you can rationalize to yourself, you can hide your truth from your friends, your colleagues, and even your therapist, but you cannot hide the truth of who you are from the person who lives with you every day. Whether you act heroically or like a two year old, your partner is there to witness it all. They, better than anyone else, knows your demons and angels.
So the next time your ego kicks in, ask yourself these simple questions: what lessons are here for me to learn? How can I shift into learning, receptive mode and see my partner as my beloved teacher? It all boils to this: do you want to be right, or do you want to get along? Do you want distance, or do you want intimacy? Do you want a shared companionship, or a battle for power and control? If you chose love, it can be helpful remember that while your perceptions may be DIFFERENT than your partners, they are rarely better or worse. No one in an intimate relationship has a corner on absolute truth. Everyone filters the universe through their own unique experiences, desires, and tribal backgrounds. Viva la difference! This is what creates our unique dance and enriches our relationships. In reality, you don’t want your partner to be clone of you. You need to understand your partner’s different perception of things, because for the most important issues in relationships, perception IS reality.
So adopt an attitude of curiosity and wonder as you seek to understand before being understood. Put your ego’s concerns aside, and take time to truly listen, without judgement or expectation. What IS it like for this person to be in relationship or live with me? What would it be like to see the world as they do? What does it mean that they are absolutely convinced that the way they view things is so obviously self-evident that nothing else could possible be real? Open your heart again to seeing them freshly, as if for the first time, with a humble demeanor. In doing so, you invite your partner to do the same, and you shift the energy between you from combative to collaborative. As your ego recedes, your heart opens again and you truly be present for each other as the beloved who is sharing a journey of awakening.
We can never truly put ourselves in our partner’s skin and see the world as they do. But what we can do is listen to their truth - the only truth they can possibly have – and in the process learn amazing things about ourselves: what we project, what we distort, what we need to learn to become a more loving partner. It’s not a problem if you disagree or see things differently, as long as you can honor each other’s truth. If you can listen in this way and honor each other’s truth, solutions to problems will often spontaneously emerge out of the common ground of understanding that you have created. And while you may have a special teacher that guides your spiritual life, your partner is often the best, most honest teacher of daily living and intimacy that many of us will ever have.
What is the deepest meaning of this frustration? And how can we use our awareness and wisdom to break through this judgement into deeper levels of intimacy and love?
When we fall in love, our spirits soar, and we are capable of extraordinary vision, unselfishness and sensitivity. Our normal defenses melt away and our hearts open wide. But at some point we enter another stage where our egos manage to assert themselves in the relationship. And when that happens, our concerns shift: what’s in it for me? Am I getting MY needs met? Are you really as wonderful as I thought? Are we really NOT compatible? Are we NOT as alike as I thought we were? Distance replaces the blissful union of infatuation, and instead of a host of harmonious blendings of values and ideas, differences may appear glaring. The consequence of the ego taking over is that our pure loving hearts shut down. The ego typically is afraid to surrender control, for that would mean changing. So the ego fiercely defends its turf: I am right, you are wrong. I see the truth, you are obviously deluded. We don’t do this to create problems. On the contrary, there is a profound disappointment that accompanies the loss of closeness, and at the deepest level we desire to return to that state of oneness. If we can’t spontaneously experirence that union, the next best thing is to try to change our partner and make them more like us.
But once the egos take center stage, a power struggle often begins, with each person defending their point of view instead of listening to the other with empathy and genuine concern. What can a couple do who recognizes they are in this combative energy? How can they regain their openness to love? One very important shift in attitude is to see your partner not as your adversary, but as your teacher. Remember that your partner is really the most accurate, honest mirror you have: you can rationalize to yourself, you can hide your truth from your friends, your colleagues, and even your therapist, but you cannot hide the truth of who you are from the person who lives with you every day. Whether you act heroically or like a two year old, your partner is there to witness it all. They, better than anyone else, knows your demons and angels.
So the next time your ego kicks in, ask yourself these simple questions: what lessons are here for me to learn? How can I shift into learning, receptive mode and see my partner as my beloved teacher? It all boils to this: do you want to be right, or do you want to get along? Do you want distance, or do you want intimacy? Do you want a shared companionship, or a battle for power and control? If you chose love, it can be helpful remember that while your perceptions may be DIFFERENT than your partners, they are rarely better or worse. No one in an intimate relationship has a corner on absolute truth. Everyone filters the universe through their own unique experiences, desires, and tribal backgrounds. Viva la difference! This is what creates our unique dance and enriches our relationships. In reality, you don’t want your partner to be clone of you. You need to understand your partner’s different perception of things, because for the most important issues in relationships, perception IS reality.
So adopt an attitude of curiosity and wonder as you seek to understand before being understood. Put your ego’s concerns aside, and take time to truly listen, without judgement or expectation. What IS it like for this person to be in relationship or live with me? What would it be like to see the world as they do? What does it mean that they are absolutely convinced that the way they view things is so obviously self-evident that nothing else could possible be real? Open your heart again to seeing them freshly, as if for the first time, with a humble demeanor. In doing so, you invite your partner to do the same, and you shift the energy between you from combative to collaborative. As your ego recedes, your heart opens again and you truly be present for each other as the beloved who is sharing a journey of awakening.
We can never truly put ourselves in our partner’s skin and see the world as they do. But what we can do is listen to their truth - the only truth they can possibly have – and in the process learn amazing things about ourselves: what we project, what we distort, what we need to learn to become a more loving partner. It’s not a problem if you disagree or see things differently, as long as you can honor each other’s truth. If you can listen in this way and honor each other’s truth, solutions to problems will often spontaneously emerge out of the common ground of understanding that you have created. And while you may have a special teacher that guides your spiritual life, your partner is often the best, most honest teacher of daily living and intimacy that many of us will ever have.
The Benefits of Marriage
If we told you we knew about something that would extend your life span by up to eight years, improve your immune system, reduce the incidence of physical, mental and substance abuse disorders, help you recover from illness and surgery more quickly, result in more satisfying and more frequent sexual relations, and increase your financial net worth, would you be interested in finding out how to get this thing for yourself? How much would you pay for it if it was in a pill? How hard would you work to get it? Just what is this amazing thing? A new miracle vitamin or nutritional supplement? A new tape program advertised in hour-long infomercials on late-night TV?
The good news is that we all are very familiar with this magical something that adds all these benefits to our lives. It's called marriage. That's right, marriage. A book, The Case for Marriage, by sociologist Dr. Linda Waite, a top family scholar at the University of Chicago, and Maggie Gallagher, Director of the Marriage Program at the Institute for American Values, discusses the enormous multi-dimensional benefits of being married.
Among the findings from the research that led to this book:
*
married people live up to eight years' longer than divorced or never-married people. In fact, over 90% of married people live to be at least 65 years old, while only 60% of divorced and never married people live to this moderate age;
*
Waite also found that the incidence of all forms of mental and physical illness were reduced in married people as compared with unmarried or divorced people;
*
percentages of people engaging in unhealthy levels of alcohol or drug consumption were also significantly lower among married people;
*
married people even have sex twice as often as single people, and report deeper levels of satisfaction with their sexual relations. Unmarried couples who live together also have active sex lives but, like unmarried people, get less emotional satisfaction from it than married people.
*
married people have more than twice as much total net assets, on average, as unmarried people. Married couples not only save more while enjoying some economies of scale, but married men also earn up to 26 percent more than single men.
*
moderate domestic violence (defined as hitting, shoving or throwing things at a partner) occurred half as often with married couples and cohabiting couples engaged to marry, as compared to cohabiting couples not planning to marry.
At our workshops, we often hear people say that attracting a healthy partner or working on their current relationship is 'too hard' and requires 'too much work'. Yet in light of these powerful findings, it is obvious that a good marriage can enhance and expand the quality of your entire life more than almost anything else. Why not do everything you can to make yours as strong and healthy as possible? You've got nothing to lose by trying. By not trying, you may be choosing to lose your life, your health, your money and some great sex.
The good news is that we all are very familiar with this magical something that adds all these benefits to our lives. It's called marriage. That's right, marriage. A book, The Case for Marriage, by sociologist Dr. Linda Waite, a top family scholar at the University of Chicago, and Maggie Gallagher, Director of the Marriage Program at the Institute for American Values, discusses the enormous multi-dimensional benefits of being married.
Among the findings from the research that led to this book:
*
married people live up to eight years' longer than divorced or never-married people. In fact, over 90% of married people live to be at least 65 years old, while only 60% of divorced and never married people live to this moderate age;
*
Waite also found that the incidence of all forms of mental and physical illness were reduced in married people as compared with unmarried or divorced people;
*
percentages of people engaging in unhealthy levels of alcohol or drug consumption were also significantly lower among married people;
*
married people even have sex twice as often as single people, and report deeper levels of satisfaction with their sexual relations. Unmarried couples who live together also have active sex lives but, like unmarried people, get less emotional satisfaction from it than married people.
*
married people have more than twice as much total net assets, on average, as unmarried people. Married couples not only save more while enjoying some economies of scale, but married men also earn up to 26 percent more than single men.
*
moderate domestic violence (defined as hitting, shoving or throwing things at a partner) occurred half as often with married couples and cohabiting couples engaged to marry, as compared to cohabiting couples not planning to marry.
At our workshops, we often hear people say that attracting a healthy partner or working on their current relationship is 'too hard' and requires 'too much work'. Yet in light of these powerful findings, it is obvious that a good marriage can enhance and expand the quality of your entire life more than almost anything else. Why not do everything you can to make yours as strong and healthy as possible? You've got nothing to lose by trying. By not trying, you may be choosing to lose your life, your health, your money and some great sex.
The Benefits of Marriage
If we told you we knew about something that would extend your life span by up to eight years, improve your immune system, reduce the incidence of physical, mental and substance abuse disorders, help you recover from illness and surgery more quickly, result in more satisfying and more frequent sexual relations, and increase your financial net worth, would you be interested in finding out how to get this thing for yourself? How much would you pay for it if it was in a pill? How hard would you work to get it? Just what is this amazing thing? A new miracle vitamin or nutritional supplement? A new tape program advertised in hour-long infomercials on late-night TV?
The good news is that we all are very familiar with this magical something that adds all these benefits to our lives. It's called marriage. That's right, marriage. A book, The Case for Marriage, by sociologist Dr. Linda Waite, a top family scholar at the University of Chicago, and Maggie Gallagher, Director of the Marriage Program at the Institute for American Values, discusses the enormous multi-dimensional benefits of being married.
Among the findings from the research that led to this book:
*
married people live up to eight years' longer than divorced or never-married people. In fact, over 90% of married people live to be at least 65 years old, while only 60% of divorced and never married people live to this moderate age;
*
Waite also found that the incidence of all forms of mental and physical illness were reduced in married people as compared with unmarried or divorced people;
*
percentages of people engaging in unhealthy levels of alcohol or drug consumption were also significantly lower among married people;
*
married people even have sex twice as often as single people, and report deeper levels of satisfaction with their sexual relations. Unmarried couples who live together also have active sex lives but, like unmarried people, get less emotional satisfaction from it than married people.
*
married people have more than twice as much total net assets, on average, as unmarried people. Married couples not only save more while enjoying some economies of scale, but married men also earn up to 26 percent more than single men.
*
moderate domestic violence (defined as hitting, shoving or throwing things at a partner) occurred half as often with married couples and cohabiting couples engaged to marry, as compared to cohabiting couples not planning to marry.
At our workshops, we often hear people say that attracting a healthy partner or working on their current relationship is 'too hard' and requires 'too much work'. Yet in light of these powerful findings, it is obvious that a good marriage can enhance and expand the quality of your entire life more than almost anything else. Why not do everything you can to make yours as strong and healthy as possible? You've got nothing to lose by trying. By not trying, you may be choosing to lose your life, your health, your money and some great sex.
The good news is that we all are very familiar with this magical something that adds all these benefits to our lives. It's called marriage. That's right, marriage. A book, The Case for Marriage, by sociologist Dr. Linda Waite, a top family scholar at the University of Chicago, and Maggie Gallagher, Director of the Marriage Program at the Institute for American Values, discusses the enormous multi-dimensional benefits of being married.
Among the findings from the research that led to this book:
*
married people live up to eight years' longer than divorced or never-married people. In fact, over 90% of married people live to be at least 65 years old, while only 60% of divorced and never married people live to this moderate age;
*
Waite also found that the incidence of all forms of mental and physical illness were reduced in married people as compared with unmarried or divorced people;
*
percentages of people engaging in unhealthy levels of alcohol or drug consumption were also significantly lower among married people;
*
married people even have sex twice as often as single people, and report deeper levels of satisfaction with their sexual relations. Unmarried couples who live together also have active sex lives but, like unmarried people, get less emotional satisfaction from it than married people.
*
married people have more than twice as much total net assets, on average, as unmarried people. Married couples not only save more while enjoying some economies of scale, but married men also earn up to 26 percent more than single men.
*
moderate domestic violence (defined as hitting, shoving or throwing things at a partner) occurred half as often with married couples and cohabiting couples engaged to marry, as compared to cohabiting couples not planning to marry.
At our workshops, we often hear people say that attracting a healthy partner or working on their current relationship is 'too hard' and requires 'too much work'. Yet in light of these powerful findings, it is obvious that a good marriage can enhance and expand the quality of your entire life more than almost anything else. Why not do everything you can to make yours as strong and healthy as possible? You've got nothing to lose by trying. By not trying, you may be choosing to lose your life, your health, your money and some great sex.
The Gift of Conflict
"No man is an island" said John Donne in 1624, and while he may be guilty of sexism, he appears ahead of his time in other ways as he expresses a basic ecological and spiritual principle, going on to say, "...every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in all of mankind."
The great naturalist John Muir expressed a similar sentiment in this 1906 writing, "When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe." Indeed there is a seamless web to which we are all inextricably intertwined; a cosmic, universal web in which the pure essence of life flows through all creation. The electronic connections of the World Wide Web are just beginning to externalize in material form what has always existed in energetic form.
And yet, if we are all connected in this manner, this means that whether we like it or not, we are inevitably in relationship with all things and all peoples. What is the nature of this relationship? As discussed in Buddhist psychology, all relationships in the mind and in the world ultimately take on one of three forms: we're either neutral; we like; or we dislike the other that we’re in relationship with.
It seems self-evident that we would want to collect as many in the "like" column as possible: we naturally move towards those people, experiences and places which resonate harmoniously within us. But this betrays an important truth: some of our best teachers and most profound lessons come from those experiences and people we dislike, from those who "push our buttons", from those we cannot stand to be around. And why is that? It’s because these experiences and people force us to see life from a different perspective, to get out of our self-created, self-limiting cocoons and filters of reality and consider alternative possibilities. They force us to grow, to learn, and to expand our beliefs about ourselves and the nature of life. Conflict energizes any system and when approached with a positive, constructive attitude, leads to creative solutions and ideas. For conflict prods and encourages us to stretch further, dig deeper and learn to be better people. It’s easy to be compassionate and loving with those that treat us well, but the real growth comes when we can treat everyone we interact with in a loving manner, and in so doing honor that universal essence which flows through us all.
Well, you might say, that sounds good in theory, but how do I deal with my resistance to such people and experiences? Here are some helpful tips:
-seek out those that have a different belief system or world view than you do. Really try to understand how and why they think and believe the way they do. None other than Sigmund Freud once claimed that it was "intellectual suicide" to only talk to people who believe what you do (though he was also famous for surrounding himself with "true believers" and not speaking with others who dared to opposed his ideas!)
-if someone you meet elicits a very strong negative feeling in you, examine that feeling in detail. What is it about their ideas or personality that grates you so much? Do you, as Shakespeare said, "...doth protest too much?" That is, is there something in YOU that is similar to this person that makes you want to run the other way? In his wonderful book "A Path With Heart", Jack Kornfield relates the tale of his returning to New York City after living in an ashram for years and leading the life of a renunciate. He felt completely at peace and that he had mastered the art of feeling serene in any situation. However, while waiting for a family member in the waiting room of a salon, several women looked critically at him and the way he was dressed, and suddenly he was flooded with enormous anger welling up inside of him. He realized that his spiritual training had not touched an entire other dimension of life, the interpersonal, and this experience led to his entering psychotherapy to understand why he reacted so strongly.
-learn to see each person you meet as your teacher. What does the person next to you right now have to teach? Your spouse? Your boss? Your neighbor? Everyone truly does have something to teach you about life if you are open to it. Remember Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha, who, upon meeting up with the beautiful Kamala, remarked, "Such women will always have much to teach." Yes, and so will people you perceive of as materialistic, selfish and greedy business owners; unpleasant and unhelpful service workers; and loud and arrogant personalities, to name just a few.
-look into your past and ask this question: who does this person remind me of? Have I been holding onto a grudge, a hurt or a resentment for many years that this person has come into my life now to remind me of? If so, explore ways of resolving your own issue that’s getting projected onto this person. This person may be a signpost of something in you that may need attention.
So don’t be afraid of conflict. Rather than avoid it, embrace and invite conflict into your life! Conflict is an opportunity to learn, to grow, to stretch and become a healthier, more creative and evolved person. Let each conflict help to transform you into the healthiest, most loving person you can become.
The great naturalist John Muir expressed a similar sentiment in this 1906 writing, "When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe." Indeed there is a seamless web to which we are all inextricably intertwined; a cosmic, universal web in which the pure essence of life flows through all creation. The electronic connections of the World Wide Web are just beginning to externalize in material form what has always existed in energetic form.
And yet, if we are all connected in this manner, this means that whether we like it or not, we are inevitably in relationship with all things and all peoples. What is the nature of this relationship? As discussed in Buddhist psychology, all relationships in the mind and in the world ultimately take on one of three forms: we're either neutral; we like; or we dislike the other that we’re in relationship with.
It seems self-evident that we would want to collect as many in the "like" column as possible: we naturally move towards those people, experiences and places which resonate harmoniously within us. But this betrays an important truth: some of our best teachers and most profound lessons come from those experiences and people we dislike, from those who "push our buttons", from those we cannot stand to be around. And why is that? It’s because these experiences and people force us to see life from a different perspective, to get out of our self-created, self-limiting cocoons and filters of reality and consider alternative possibilities. They force us to grow, to learn, and to expand our beliefs about ourselves and the nature of life. Conflict energizes any system and when approached with a positive, constructive attitude, leads to creative solutions and ideas. For conflict prods and encourages us to stretch further, dig deeper and learn to be better people. It’s easy to be compassionate and loving with those that treat us well, but the real growth comes when we can treat everyone we interact with in a loving manner, and in so doing honor that universal essence which flows through us all.
Well, you might say, that sounds good in theory, but how do I deal with my resistance to such people and experiences? Here are some helpful tips:
-seek out those that have a different belief system or world view than you do. Really try to understand how and why they think and believe the way they do. None other than Sigmund Freud once claimed that it was "intellectual suicide" to only talk to people who believe what you do (though he was also famous for surrounding himself with "true believers" and not speaking with others who dared to opposed his ideas!)
-if someone you meet elicits a very strong negative feeling in you, examine that feeling in detail. What is it about their ideas or personality that grates you so much? Do you, as Shakespeare said, "...doth protest too much?" That is, is there something in YOU that is similar to this person that makes you want to run the other way? In his wonderful book "A Path With Heart", Jack Kornfield relates the tale of his returning to New York City after living in an ashram for years and leading the life of a renunciate. He felt completely at peace and that he had mastered the art of feeling serene in any situation. However, while waiting for a family member in the waiting room of a salon, several women looked critically at him and the way he was dressed, and suddenly he was flooded with enormous anger welling up inside of him. He realized that his spiritual training had not touched an entire other dimension of life, the interpersonal, and this experience led to his entering psychotherapy to understand why he reacted so strongly.
-learn to see each person you meet as your teacher. What does the person next to you right now have to teach? Your spouse? Your boss? Your neighbor? Everyone truly does have something to teach you about life if you are open to it. Remember Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha, who, upon meeting up with the beautiful Kamala, remarked, "Such women will always have much to teach." Yes, and so will people you perceive of as materialistic, selfish and greedy business owners; unpleasant and unhelpful service workers; and loud and arrogant personalities, to name just a few.
-look into your past and ask this question: who does this person remind me of? Have I been holding onto a grudge, a hurt or a resentment for many years that this person has come into my life now to remind me of? If so, explore ways of resolving your own issue that’s getting projected onto this person. This person may be a signpost of something in you that may need attention.
So don’t be afraid of conflict. Rather than avoid it, embrace and invite conflict into your life! Conflict is an opportunity to learn, to grow, to stretch and become a healthier, more creative and evolved person. Let each conflict help to transform you into the healthiest, most loving person you can become.
The Real Meaning of Romance
It is very useful to take time and pause for conscious reflection upon the real meaning of romance in intimate relationships. From the time we are young children, we listen wide-eyed to fairy tales of beautiful princesses being swept off their feet by charming princes who take them away to a better life where they live ''happily ever after.'' Their romance is intense, passionate, dramatic, intoxicating and transformative. Their love is able to surmount all sorts of obstacles - financial and ethnic differences, monsters and goblins, evil kings and queens - because they know in their hearts they have found the one true love they will spend the rest of their lives with. As we grow up, we hear this wonderful theme repeated endlessly in cartoons, movies, romance novels and hit songs. We grow very fond of this sweet tale, and can't wait until the day when Cupid's arrow hits its mark squarely in our hearts.
And then it happens! We look into another's eyes and something wonderful and mysterious overtakes us. We feel a great joy and spontaneity that we've never felt before. Innocently and completely, we surrender to this awesome energy. We have found our soul mate, our one true partner who will fulfill all our needs unconditionally, and our hearts and souls will dance and sing for all eternity.
But then it dawns on us, sometimes slowly and imperceptibly, other times instantly and bluntly: there will be no ''happily ever after'' in this relationship. We experience conflict, anger, disappointment and hurt. What was once easy and effortless is now difficult and painful. What happened?
Alas, the story of romantic love as a road map for an entire relationship is a myth that leads almost everyone to despair. The wonderful infatuation we experience in the beginning of a new romantic relationship is in actuality a period of grace bestowed upon us to give us a vision of possibilities of who we can be and how we can love. Our hearts open fully, our fears giving way to remarkable acts of tenderness and unselfish caring. Easily and spontaneously, both people temporarily become the lovers they always knew they could be. Romantic love is real and genuine, but only as an initial visionary stage of intimate connection. In fact, research by Dr. Liberty Kovacs shows that romantic love is by far the shortest stage in long-term relationships. Inevitably, as it is supposed to, something happens and suddenly we are back in reality, in a new stage. The effortless flow of romance is replaced by conscious, deliberate acts of love which require effort, commitment and inconvenience.
When this shift occurs, we have several choices. We can act like a victim, blaming the universe for setting things up this way. It's really not fair that love fades away after tantalizing us with effortless bliss. Or we may blame our partner, ending the relationship after concluding that this was not really our soul mate. If, however, we are committed to an awake, conscious life, we may recognize this passing with some sadness but understand that the real relationship and the real learning has now begun. We may recall the words of Thoreau who said, ''If you have built castles in the air, that is fine. Now put a foundation under them.'' We build the foundation brick by brick, loving act by loving act, with conscious awareness and intention. And in so doing, we truly honor the vision that our romance gave us and create an even deeper and more genuine romantic connection with our partner. As we confront the struggles and limitations in our ability to love fully, we realize the true grace of intimate relationship: we are given the exact situations and opportunities we most need for the next steps on our journey of awakening.
By being conscious and open to the messages and lessons we most need to receive, each stage of each relationship can be a wonderful vehicle for waking up. For example, if you consistently attract a certain type of unhealthy person into your life, open your heart and spirit without judgment and listen deeply. What is still unresolved within you that you need to keep re-experiencing this unhealthy behavior or feeling again and again? What about this energy is still somehow gratifying or reaffirming something within you? Is there an old part of you which still believes you deserve this? What positive shifts can you make to heal that energy within you so you can move on to attract greater love, greater fulfillment and deeper connection?
In a conscious, loving, intimate connection, partners are present with one another without judgment or unrealistic expectations. When you both understand the deeper reasons you have come into each others' lives, you can let go of the need to make your relationship be a certain way and allow it to be what it is. You can allow your fears and wounds to come up and be healed in the soothing, loving presence of your partner. And you can walk away from the relationship if and when your inner knowingness (and not your fears) tells you it is time.
We are all born with an innate capacity to connect and love deeply. Intimate relationships are great teachers, and they bring us magical experiences at every stage of relationship. Beneath the Valentine's Day myths lie powerful opportunities for the most thrilling romance of all: waking up to the fully conscious life we are here to live.
And then it happens! We look into another's eyes and something wonderful and mysterious overtakes us. We feel a great joy and spontaneity that we've never felt before. Innocently and completely, we surrender to this awesome energy. We have found our soul mate, our one true partner who will fulfill all our needs unconditionally, and our hearts and souls will dance and sing for all eternity.
But then it dawns on us, sometimes slowly and imperceptibly, other times instantly and bluntly: there will be no ''happily ever after'' in this relationship. We experience conflict, anger, disappointment and hurt. What was once easy and effortless is now difficult and painful. What happened?
Alas, the story of romantic love as a road map for an entire relationship is a myth that leads almost everyone to despair. The wonderful infatuation we experience in the beginning of a new romantic relationship is in actuality a period of grace bestowed upon us to give us a vision of possibilities of who we can be and how we can love. Our hearts open fully, our fears giving way to remarkable acts of tenderness and unselfish caring. Easily and spontaneously, both people temporarily become the lovers they always knew they could be. Romantic love is real and genuine, but only as an initial visionary stage of intimate connection. In fact, research by Dr. Liberty Kovacs shows that romantic love is by far the shortest stage in long-term relationships. Inevitably, as it is supposed to, something happens and suddenly we are back in reality, in a new stage. The effortless flow of romance is replaced by conscious, deliberate acts of love which require effort, commitment and inconvenience.
When this shift occurs, we have several choices. We can act like a victim, blaming the universe for setting things up this way. It's really not fair that love fades away after tantalizing us with effortless bliss. Or we may blame our partner, ending the relationship after concluding that this was not really our soul mate. If, however, we are committed to an awake, conscious life, we may recognize this passing with some sadness but understand that the real relationship and the real learning has now begun. We may recall the words of Thoreau who said, ''If you have built castles in the air, that is fine. Now put a foundation under them.'' We build the foundation brick by brick, loving act by loving act, with conscious awareness and intention. And in so doing, we truly honor the vision that our romance gave us and create an even deeper and more genuine romantic connection with our partner. As we confront the struggles and limitations in our ability to love fully, we realize the true grace of intimate relationship: we are given the exact situations and opportunities we most need for the next steps on our journey of awakening.
By being conscious and open to the messages and lessons we most need to receive, each stage of each relationship can be a wonderful vehicle for waking up. For example, if you consistently attract a certain type of unhealthy person into your life, open your heart and spirit without judgment and listen deeply. What is still unresolved within you that you need to keep re-experiencing this unhealthy behavior or feeling again and again? What about this energy is still somehow gratifying or reaffirming something within you? Is there an old part of you which still believes you deserve this? What positive shifts can you make to heal that energy within you so you can move on to attract greater love, greater fulfillment and deeper connection?
In a conscious, loving, intimate connection, partners are present with one another without judgment or unrealistic expectations. When you both understand the deeper reasons you have come into each others' lives, you can let go of the need to make your relationship be a certain way and allow it to be what it is. You can allow your fears and wounds to come up and be healed in the soothing, loving presence of your partner. And you can walk away from the relationship if and when your inner knowingness (and not your fears) tells you it is time.
We are all born with an innate capacity to connect and love deeply. Intimate relationships are great teachers, and they bring us magical experiences at every stage of relationship. Beneath the Valentine's Day myths lie powerful opportunities for the most thrilling romance of all: waking up to the fully conscious life we are here to live.
The Stages of Committed Relationships
When attempting to create a loving, healthy intimate relationship, it is important to have an accurate roadmap for the journey. Most of our culture's roadmaps have emphasized fantasy, illusion and denial, and those who follow those maps will tend to have unhappy, conflict-ridden relationships. What follows is a reality-based roadmap which comes from research into couples' actual experiences of being in long-term relationships.
While theorists disagree on the exact name and number of the stages couples progress through, there is a general consensus that couples go through some version of the following stages. Not everyone goes through all the stages and some couples may go through them in a different sequence, but for most couples this is the normative experience in a long-term committed relationship.
1. ROMANTIC LOVE
This is the love that Hollywood loves to promote as the only kind of love. Romantic love is wonderful, easy, and effortless. It is very spontaneous and alive. The feelings and perceptions that go through both people are that we are one; we are the same. You are perfect. I can give and receive love with little or no effort required. There is a tremendous emphasis on maximizing similarities and minimizing differences. There is a belief and expectation that you will provide most or all of my wants, needs, desires. There is generally a high degree of passion and feelings and expressions of romance come easily and often. The partners think about each other constantly, and make much eye contact and are very affectionate when they are together. Many people experience this as living in a state of near-constant bliss and infatuation. There is a belief that these feelings and experiences will go on forever, that 'we will never disagree on anything', and that somehow fate or forces larger than themselves have brought them together.
This stage generally lasts from six months to two years, and is the SHORTEST stage of any of the stages of long-term committed relationships.
2. ADJUSTING TO REALITY
Ah, reality. Inevitably, predictably, eventually, reality rears its (ugly?) head and the bubble bursts on the Romantic stage. Sometimes it is a slow leak, other times a sudden and complete blowout. But either way, something happens which causes a minor or major conflict in the new relationship. Sometimes the trigger is living together and having to share household chores and experiencing personal habits up close. Sometimes it is an act of deception which is discovered. Sometimes it is planning a wedding, buying a house, or sharing finances. Whatever the cause, after the conflict occurs, it becomes impossible to continue the fantasy that this person and this relationship are immune from struggle, from effort, from reality. Differences which were previously obscured suddenly become visible. Conflicts, anxieties, disappointment and hurt replace the effortless flow of the Romantic stage. There is a sense that this person is not living up your hopes and dreams, and there is an accompanying loss of closeness. Gradually each person is forced to relinquish some of their most cherished romantic fantasies, or to cling to them desperately in a state of denial.
In this stage, it is common to feel as if someone or something or even Life itself has cheated you or robbed you of something precious, almost like a stage of grieving the loss of something innocent and wonderful. There is a desire to be close again but confusion as how to create that. It is the first time that fears of intimacy begin to arise. Suddenly the couple must learn how to deal with very real differences, how to deal with conflict, and how to integrate being an independent person as well as someone in an intimate relationship.
In short, Adjusting to Reality is the stage where the Real Relationship begins.
3. THE POWER STRUGGLE
As the disillusionment of the Adjusting to Reality stage deepens, the couple tends to have more disagreements. Minor issues blow up into larger arguments. Yelling appears for the first time, if it ever will. Both partners dig in their heels and defend their positions on issues fiercely. Each person digs in their heels and protects their turf. This once-tender effortless loving relationship has become a battleground and evolved into a daily Power Struggle. This is a typical stage in the development of a long-term committed relationship.
For the first time in the relationship, there are occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. This person who only recently appeared to be the embodiment of pure love and joy in your eyes suddenly seems self-centered and not to be trusted. Doubts arise as to whether the other person really loves you. There are consistent feelings of ambivalence and anger. Blaming and accusing becomes the most common form of interaction. Each partner is afraid of giving in, and wants the other to change. This is where deep resentments begin to form, which if left unchecked, become the cancer that eventually eats away at all the love and tenderness that has come before. Sarcasm and hostility enter into daily conversations.
This does not have to be the end of the relationship. The tasks for the couple here are to develop problem-solving, conflict resolution and negotiating skills. The conflicts will clearly not go away on their own. Each person much learn to listen respectfully to their partner's position, even if they don't agree with it. They must learn to support their partner's own growth, even if they feel it compromises their own. They may see the origins of the patterns of their conflicts (and their dysfunctional ways of resolving them) in their family of origin.
4. RE-EVALUATION
The Power Struggle is physically and emotionally draining, and if the couple can survive, they move into the next stage, of a conscious Re-Evaluation of the relationship. Whereas the original commitment one makes is typically based on projections of fantasy, this Re-Evaluation takes into account the reality and fears and defenses of each person. Do I really want to stay with this person? You know who this person is now, you know their limitations, and you know the range of which they are capable of improving or getting better. Knowing all that, do you still want to stay? That is the question that gets answered during this stage.
Both people tend to turn outward to resolve their issues, instead of toward each other. As a result, fears of abandonment come up strongly here. Can I make by myself? Am I really okay the way I am? Will anyone else find me attractive or appealing?
Both people emotionally (and sometimes physically) disengage and withdraw during this stage, which makes it the stage in which separation, divorce and/or an affair are most likely to occur. Feelings of resentment are less intense in this stage, as the affect in the relationship is likely to be very flat and empty. The sexual relationship sporadic at best and more likely non-existent. Things are ripe for an affair to burst on the scene, and often a person in this stage will begin to confide in someone of the opposite sex. This confidante will take on more and more importance in the person's life, due to their neediness and vulnerability, and they will often get emotionally very involved without consciously realizing it. At this point even the slightest affection is like throwing a match in the forest on a hot summer day, and a passionate, intense affair will begin.
The danger is that when an affair begins at this stage, it is almost impossible for the relationship to recover. The primary relationship has too little going for it in the way of gratification on either side, and the inevitable comparisons between the affair and the relationship seem like night and day.
A separation can be useful here to help each person gain perspective, due that too can lead to the demise of the relationship if outside gratifications seem to dwarf the emptiness of the relationship.
The task for each person here is to stay present and honor their commitment, develop individually and be able to see their partner as a separate person. This is the only way the relationship can survive and move into the next stage.
5. RECONCILIATION
In this stage, after the distance of the Re-evaluation, if the relationship has survived, there is a re-awakening of interest in getting closer and connecting again. Knowing all that they know, coming from reality and not fantasy, there is a decision to have the willingness to try once again. There is an open acceptance of the conflicts and differences in the relationship, but they are approached with a different attitude: they are used as opportunities for learning about oneself and the other person. They are catalysts for growth and change. There is a recognition that the differences are real and won't go away, and that neither person can really change the other. Thus begins a process of struggling to create an honest, genuine intimate relationship. The people connect again and the relationship again begins to produce ongoing satisfaction for both partners.
In this stage there is also a deeper sense of taking responsibility for one's part in conflict and in lack of satisfaction. Each person may recognize the link between what they learned as children in their families of origin and how they approach intimate relationships. They own their distortions and projections onto their partners. They begin to see their partner as they see themselves, as a somewhat flawed yet decent person who is making a sincere effort to love and be close and still take care of their own needs.
While theorists disagree on the exact name and number of the stages couples progress through, there is a general consensus that couples go through some version of the following stages. Not everyone goes through all the stages and some couples may go through them in a different sequence, but for most couples this is the normative experience in a long-term committed relationship.
1. ROMANTIC LOVE
This is the love that Hollywood loves to promote as the only kind of love. Romantic love is wonderful, easy, and effortless. It is very spontaneous and alive. The feelings and perceptions that go through both people are that we are one; we are the same. You are perfect. I can give and receive love with little or no effort required. There is a tremendous emphasis on maximizing similarities and minimizing differences. There is a belief and expectation that you will provide most or all of my wants, needs, desires. There is generally a high degree of passion and feelings and expressions of romance come easily and often. The partners think about each other constantly, and make much eye contact and are very affectionate when they are together. Many people experience this as living in a state of near-constant bliss and infatuation. There is a belief that these feelings and experiences will go on forever, that 'we will never disagree on anything', and that somehow fate or forces larger than themselves have brought them together.
This stage generally lasts from six months to two years, and is the SHORTEST stage of any of the stages of long-term committed relationships.
2. ADJUSTING TO REALITY
Ah, reality. Inevitably, predictably, eventually, reality rears its (ugly?) head and the bubble bursts on the Romantic stage. Sometimes it is a slow leak, other times a sudden and complete blowout. But either way, something happens which causes a minor or major conflict in the new relationship. Sometimes the trigger is living together and having to share household chores and experiencing personal habits up close. Sometimes it is an act of deception which is discovered. Sometimes it is planning a wedding, buying a house, or sharing finances. Whatever the cause, after the conflict occurs, it becomes impossible to continue the fantasy that this person and this relationship are immune from struggle, from effort, from reality. Differences which were previously obscured suddenly become visible. Conflicts, anxieties, disappointment and hurt replace the effortless flow of the Romantic stage. There is a sense that this person is not living up your hopes and dreams, and there is an accompanying loss of closeness. Gradually each person is forced to relinquish some of their most cherished romantic fantasies, or to cling to them desperately in a state of denial.
In this stage, it is common to feel as if someone or something or even Life itself has cheated you or robbed you of something precious, almost like a stage of grieving the loss of something innocent and wonderful. There is a desire to be close again but confusion as how to create that. It is the first time that fears of intimacy begin to arise. Suddenly the couple must learn how to deal with very real differences, how to deal with conflict, and how to integrate being an independent person as well as someone in an intimate relationship.
In short, Adjusting to Reality is the stage where the Real Relationship begins.
3. THE POWER STRUGGLE
As the disillusionment of the Adjusting to Reality stage deepens, the couple tends to have more disagreements. Minor issues blow up into larger arguments. Yelling appears for the first time, if it ever will. Both partners dig in their heels and defend their positions on issues fiercely. Each person digs in their heels and protects their turf. This once-tender effortless loving relationship has become a battleground and evolved into a daily Power Struggle. This is a typical stage in the development of a long-term committed relationship.
For the first time in the relationship, there are occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. This person who only recently appeared to be the embodiment of pure love and joy in your eyes suddenly seems self-centered and not to be trusted. Doubts arise as to whether the other person really loves you. There are consistent feelings of ambivalence and anger. Blaming and accusing becomes the most common form of interaction. Each partner is afraid of giving in, and wants the other to change. This is where deep resentments begin to form, which if left unchecked, become the cancer that eventually eats away at all the love and tenderness that has come before. Sarcasm and hostility enter into daily conversations.
This does not have to be the end of the relationship. The tasks for the couple here are to develop problem-solving, conflict resolution and negotiating skills. The conflicts will clearly not go away on their own. Each person much learn to listen respectfully to their partner's position, even if they don't agree with it. They must learn to support their partner's own growth, even if they feel it compromises their own. They may see the origins of the patterns of their conflicts (and their dysfunctional ways of resolving them) in their family of origin.
4. RE-EVALUATION
The Power Struggle is physically and emotionally draining, and if the couple can survive, they move into the next stage, of a conscious Re-Evaluation of the relationship. Whereas the original commitment one makes is typically based on projections of fantasy, this Re-Evaluation takes into account the reality and fears and defenses of each person. Do I really want to stay with this person? You know who this person is now, you know their limitations, and you know the range of which they are capable of improving or getting better. Knowing all that, do you still want to stay? That is the question that gets answered during this stage.
Both people tend to turn outward to resolve their issues, instead of toward each other. As a result, fears of abandonment come up strongly here. Can I make by myself? Am I really okay the way I am? Will anyone else find me attractive or appealing?
Both people emotionally (and sometimes physically) disengage and withdraw during this stage, which makes it the stage in which separation, divorce and/or an affair are most likely to occur. Feelings of resentment are less intense in this stage, as the affect in the relationship is likely to be very flat and empty. The sexual relationship sporadic at best and more likely non-existent. Things are ripe for an affair to burst on the scene, and often a person in this stage will begin to confide in someone of the opposite sex. This confidante will take on more and more importance in the person's life, due to their neediness and vulnerability, and they will often get emotionally very involved without consciously realizing it. At this point even the slightest affection is like throwing a match in the forest on a hot summer day, and a passionate, intense affair will begin.
The danger is that when an affair begins at this stage, it is almost impossible for the relationship to recover. The primary relationship has too little going for it in the way of gratification on either side, and the inevitable comparisons between the affair and the relationship seem like night and day.
A separation can be useful here to help each person gain perspective, due that too can lead to the demise of the relationship if outside gratifications seem to dwarf the emptiness of the relationship.
The task for each person here is to stay present and honor their commitment, develop individually and be able to see their partner as a separate person. This is the only way the relationship can survive and move into the next stage.
5. RECONCILIATION
In this stage, after the distance of the Re-evaluation, if the relationship has survived, there is a re-awakening of interest in getting closer and connecting again. Knowing all that they know, coming from reality and not fantasy, there is a decision to have the willingness to try once again. There is an open acceptance of the conflicts and differences in the relationship, but they are approached with a different attitude: they are used as opportunities for learning about oneself and the other person. They are catalysts for growth and change. There is a recognition that the differences are real and won't go away, and that neither person can really change the other. Thus begins a process of struggling to create an honest, genuine intimate relationship. The people connect again and the relationship again begins to produce ongoing satisfaction for both partners.
In this stage there is also a deeper sense of taking responsibility for one's part in conflict and in lack of satisfaction. Each person may recognize the link between what they learned as children in their families of origin and how they approach intimate relationships. They own their distortions and projections onto their partners. They begin to see their partner as they see themselves, as a somewhat flawed yet decent person who is making a sincere effort to love and be close and still take care of their own needs.
The Three Selves of Dating
One of the perplexing parts of dating is that your partner will sometimes reveal markedly different parts of themselves at different times during a relationship. One day you may be delighted by your partner’s charm and thoughtfulness yet the next day be devastated by their stubbornness, rigidity and inappropriate expressions of feelings. How and why does this happen? And what can conscious singles do to keep themselves emotionally safe from hurtful surprises as they traverse the stages of developing relationships?
All of us possess many different sub-personalities. Among the most common of these are three distinct selves or sub-parts of our personalities that explain the often contradictory behavior that occurs as a new relationship develops. We all need each of these parts to survive and thrive in the world, and each of these parts can express themselves in a healthy or unhealthy way. Let’s discuss each of these parts and how they interact.
The first part is the Rational, Practical Persona. This is the part that presents an appropriate mask to the world and is concerned with maintaining a certain image or status. This part thinks logically and analytically about life and relationships. It’s intelligent, thoughtful, linear, methodical, functional, practical and goal-directed. The Rational, Practical Persona never acts impulsively or irrationally.
The second part is the Alive, Loving Self. This is the part of you that feels totally alive, present and spontaneous, that genuinely wants a deep, intimate connection with others. The Alive, Loving Self is willing and able to take risks, is playful, fun-loving and bursting with energy and feelings. This part is never concerned about whether something makes ‘sense’ or is practical, and is very expansive, imaginative and visionary.
The third part is the Wounded, Fearful Self. This is the part of you which has experienced the inevitable emotional wounds, hurts and disappointments of growing up. These wounds may be mild, moderate or severe, and is the repository of inadequacies, frailties, vulnerabilities and shame. This part is limited in its capacity for growth and change without outside help, because it has developed a variety of strategies, shields and compensatory mechanisms to keep itself safe to avoid further wounding. The Wounded, Fearful Self functions as your ‘emotional thermostat’ which strives to keep your emotional life stable, similar, and familiar. In fact, it continually strives to re-create or maintain whatever emotional experiences you may have had in the past, whether they were loving, chaotic, distant or hurtful.
So how do these three parts interact and change as a dating relationship develops? Well initially, the Alive, Loving Selves come out as fully as they ever will when people first meet. They dance and play and exude aliveness and spontaneity and fun and desire closeness. Unfortunately in most relationships, this phase is temporary because the Rational, Practical Persona and the Wounded, Fearful Self quickly team up to put a lid on the Alive, Loving Self’s playtime. As more closeness develops, the alarms of the Wounded, Fearful Self go off and self-protection takes over. Intimacy = vulnerability = risk and the Wounded, Fearful Self cannot tolerate the chance of being hurt again. The Alive, Loving Self is partially or completely shut down, leaving the Rational, Practical Persona to take over and make relationship decisions. Suddenly someone who wanted to see you every day has to work late 3 nights a week, or no longer wants to talk about "the future". Or out of the blue, you encounter anger or resistance when you want to do things to bring the relationship closer.
In most cases you fall in love with someone’s Alive, Loving Self but end up dating, living with and/or married to their Wounded, Fearful Self and Rational, Practical Persona. Thus a crucial task of conscious dating is to understand the nature of your partner’s Wounded, Fearful self. Are they aware of this part of themselves? Have they worked on healing it? How pervasive is it now in their life?
It is important to remember the work of Ken Wilber here (author of The Spectrum of Consciousness, Integral Psychology and the new, hilarious Boomeritis), who says that development in one area does not necessarily imply the same degree of development in another. Thus someone in touch with their Higher Self who has a comittment to spiritual practice can still have their emotional life dictated by their Wounded, Fearful Self. As Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield says in his wonderfully humble book A Path With Heart, his years in the ashram enabled him to perfectly clear his mind, until he resumed the life of a householder and had to deal with intimate relationships.Or as Ram Dass once said, "I’m still as neurotic as ever, I just don’t choose to hang out there anymore!"
So when dating, it’s wise to open your heart gradually, until you get a sense of all parts of your partner. Honor the needs of all parts of yourself as well as your partner. Don't commit until you really feel you have a sense of which each of these parts is for your dating partner. These steps will help avoid any hurtful surprises and enable you to be fully present for the unique, precious journey of awakening that only the conscious dance of love can provide.
All of us possess many different sub-personalities. Among the most common of these are three distinct selves or sub-parts of our personalities that explain the often contradictory behavior that occurs as a new relationship develops. We all need each of these parts to survive and thrive in the world, and each of these parts can express themselves in a healthy or unhealthy way. Let’s discuss each of these parts and how they interact.
The first part is the Rational, Practical Persona. This is the part that presents an appropriate mask to the world and is concerned with maintaining a certain image or status. This part thinks logically and analytically about life and relationships. It’s intelligent, thoughtful, linear, methodical, functional, practical and goal-directed. The Rational, Practical Persona never acts impulsively or irrationally.
The second part is the Alive, Loving Self. This is the part of you that feels totally alive, present and spontaneous, that genuinely wants a deep, intimate connection with others. The Alive, Loving Self is willing and able to take risks, is playful, fun-loving and bursting with energy and feelings. This part is never concerned about whether something makes ‘sense’ or is practical, and is very expansive, imaginative and visionary.
The third part is the Wounded, Fearful Self. This is the part of you which has experienced the inevitable emotional wounds, hurts and disappointments of growing up. These wounds may be mild, moderate or severe, and is the repository of inadequacies, frailties, vulnerabilities and shame. This part is limited in its capacity for growth and change without outside help, because it has developed a variety of strategies, shields and compensatory mechanisms to keep itself safe to avoid further wounding. The Wounded, Fearful Self functions as your ‘emotional thermostat’ which strives to keep your emotional life stable, similar, and familiar. In fact, it continually strives to re-create or maintain whatever emotional experiences you may have had in the past, whether they were loving, chaotic, distant or hurtful.
So how do these three parts interact and change as a dating relationship develops? Well initially, the Alive, Loving Selves come out as fully as they ever will when people first meet. They dance and play and exude aliveness and spontaneity and fun and desire closeness. Unfortunately in most relationships, this phase is temporary because the Rational, Practical Persona and the Wounded, Fearful Self quickly team up to put a lid on the Alive, Loving Self’s playtime. As more closeness develops, the alarms of the Wounded, Fearful Self go off and self-protection takes over. Intimacy = vulnerability = risk and the Wounded, Fearful Self cannot tolerate the chance of being hurt again. The Alive, Loving Self is partially or completely shut down, leaving the Rational, Practical Persona to take over and make relationship decisions. Suddenly someone who wanted to see you every day has to work late 3 nights a week, or no longer wants to talk about "the future". Or out of the blue, you encounter anger or resistance when you want to do things to bring the relationship closer.
In most cases you fall in love with someone’s Alive, Loving Self but end up dating, living with and/or married to their Wounded, Fearful Self and Rational, Practical Persona. Thus a crucial task of conscious dating is to understand the nature of your partner’s Wounded, Fearful self. Are they aware of this part of themselves? Have they worked on healing it? How pervasive is it now in their life?
It is important to remember the work of Ken Wilber here (author of The Spectrum of Consciousness, Integral Psychology and the new, hilarious Boomeritis), who says that development in one area does not necessarily imply the same degree of development in another. Thus someone in touch with their Higher Self who has a comittment to spiritual practice can still have their emotional life dictated by their Wounded, Fearful Self. As Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield says in his wonderfully humble book A Path With Heart, his years in the ashram enabled him to perfectly clear his mind, until he resumed the life of a householder and had to deal with intimate relationships.Or as Ram Dass once said, "I’m still as neurotic as ever, I just don’t choose to hang out there anymore!"
So when dating, it’s wise to open your heart gradually, until you get a sense of all parts of your partner. Honor the needs of all parts of yourself as well as your partner. Don't commit until you really feel you have a sense of which each of these parts is for your dating partner. These steps will help avoid any hurtful surprises and enable you to be fully present for the unique, precious journey of awakening that only the conscious dance of love can provide.
True Romance
Every Valentine’s Day, people reflect on the amount of romance in their relationship. For some, Cupid’s arrow strikes with a passionate bulls-eye, while for others the arrow misses its mark, leaving them wishing for more romance. One of the most common patterns we see in working with couples is the disappointment and disillusionment which comes when one or both partners feel the romance is gone. There’s little or no passion and excitement, though they fondly remember a time when the mere thought of being together elicited powerful feelings of intense love and tenderness. Yet now the relationship seems dry, stale, and boring. What happened? And is it possible to get those wonderful feelings back?
In a new relationship, we are all granted a free grace period where tremendous passion, aliveness and intensity is bestowed upon us with minimal effort. There is evidence that there is a physiological reason for this period of infatuation, where the brains of new lovers are saturated with higher levels of phenylethylamine (PEA), a naturally-occurring amphetamine-like neurotransmitter, creating a highly aroused state of body of mind. As a result, we are spontaneously loving, giving, thoughtful, affectionate, playful and passionate. The slightest touch can elicit fireworks and we are fully awake and present in each luscious moment. We are given this wonderful gift - a vision of what is possible to create with each other - and then our task is to transform that vision into reality. But what lies ahead after the glow wears off?
In the 1977 movie Annie Hall, Woody Allen and Diane Keaton confront this question by asking an elderly woman on the streets of Manhattan about the true nature of love. She looks at Woody sadly, shaking her head, and says, "Love fades, sonny." Yet just then, a young happy couple comes bounding their way, and a perplexed Woody asks them, "How do YOU do it? How do you stay so happy?" The man cheerfully replies, "Well I’m vain and shallow, and so is she! It works great!" and they run off laughing and kissing.
In reality, it is depth not shallowness that creates lasting love. And love doesn’t fade unless a couple allows it to fade. The Law of Entropy applies here: without a sustained effort toward keeping anything in the physical universe maintained or improved, things tend to deteriorate and go in the direction of disorder, whether it is your car, your home, your body or your love. People take their love for granted, and they slowly begin to drift apart, until suddenly they realize they are little more than roommates.
And how do you keep your love from fading? What specific efforts help keep the feelings alive and passionate? Although not easy to perform, the two-part answer is simple: Reduce or eliminate hurts and resentments, and create a closer bond by understanding and meeting your partner’s emotional needs.
You cannot simultaneously feel resentment and loving toward someone! So the first thing to do is clear up any hurts or resentments standing in the way of your wanting to be close. Listen to your partner’s concerns or resentments, validate their experience, and make whatever corrections or amends you need to help them fully resolve and let go of their issue.
Once you have resolved resentments, then you can get closer by giving your partner what they need to feel cared for. Genuine love is a series of small repeated kindnesses, but don’t assume you know what your partner needs to feel cared about until they tell you directly and specifically. Don’t make the mistake of the man we knew who spent over $900 on flowers for his wife, only to find out she hated flowers. Ask your partner what his or her favorite caring behaviors, and you will have the magic recipe for creating lasting love. By giving them what they need to feel cared for, to feel cherished and important, you build up an overflowing reservoir of positive feelings in your emotional love bank to draw upon in the future. And when both partners do this, there is a powerful synergistic effect which results in even greater feelings of closeness, passion and love.
Some of the most important emotional needs that people have in intimate relationships include needs for affection; admiration/appreciation; honesty and openness; financial contributions; stimulating conversation; sexual gratification; shared recreational interests; home/family contributions; and physical appearance/health. Sit down with your partner and discuss what each of your needs are, and how well your partner is currently meeting them. If you can consistently fulfill many of your partner’s emotional needs, you will find yourself in a passionate, loving, intimate relationship that is based on a deep, loving bond between two committed people. Unfortunately, many people make the mistake of waiting for loving feelings to be present (as they were in the beginning) to justify performing or giving loving actions toward their partner. This is exactly the opposite of how the real relationship which exists after the glow fades, where loving, caring actions elicit loving feelings in each other. If you sit around and wait for your partner to make you feel good before you engage in any caring behaviors, you will create at atmosphere of keeping score in which resentment rules and any genuine love will definitely fade away over time..
For more help in creating a passionate, loving, intimate relationship this Valentine’s Day and beyond, here are some great books with fabulous tools, exercises and insights to help you along: Hot Monogamy by Pat Love; Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard Markman and Scott Stanley; Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Willard Harley; and The Conscious Heart, by Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks.
The spirit of Valentine’s Day can be with you 365 days a year. Do something every day to continually create the best relationship you can, and you will enjoy a lifetime of lasting love with each other.
In a new relationship, we are all granted a free grace period where tremendous passion, aliveness and intensity is bestowed upon us with minimal effort. There is evidence that there is a physiological reason for this period of infatuation, where the brains of new lovers are saturated with higher levels of phenylethylamine (PEA), a naturally-occurring amphetamine-like neurotransmitter, creating a highly aroused state of body of mind. As a result, we are spontaneously loving, giving, thoughtful, affectionate, playful and passionate. The slightest touch can elicit fireworks and we are fully awake and present in each luscious moment. We are given this wonderful gift - a vision of what is possible to create with each other - and then our task is to transform that vision into reality. But what lies ahead after the glow wears off?
In the 1977 movie Annie Hall, Woody Allen and Diane Keaton confront this question by asking an elderly woman on the streets of Manhattan about the true nature of love. She looks at Woody sadly, shaking her head, and says, "Love fades, sonny." Yet just then, a young happy couple comes bounding their way, and a perplexed Woody asks them, "How do YOU do it? How do you stay so happy?" The man cheerfully replies, "Well I’m vain and shallow, and so is she! It works great!" and they run off laughing and kissing.
In reality, it is depth not shallowness that creates lasting love. And love doesn’t fade unless a couple allows it to fade. The Law of Entropy applies here: without a sustained effort toward keeping anything in the physical universe maintained or improved, things tend to deteriorate and go in the direction of disorder, whether it is your car, your home, your body or your love. People take their love for granted, and they slowly begin to drift apart, until suddenly they realize they are little more than roommates.
And how do you keep your love from fading? What specific efforts help keep the feelings alive and passionate? Although not easy to perform, the two-part answer is simple: Reduce or eliminate hurts and resentments, and create a closer bond by understanding and meeting your partner’s emotional needs.
You cannot simultaneously feel resentment and loving toward someone! So the first thing to do is clear up any hurts or resentments standing in the way of your wanting to be close. Listen to your partner’s concerns or resentments, validate their experience, and make whatever corrections or amends you need to help them fully resolve and let go of their issue.
Once you have resolved resentments, then you can get closer by giving your partner what they need to feel cared for. Genuine love is a series of small repeated kindnesses, but don’t assume you know what your partner needs to feel cared about until they tell you directly and specifically. Don’t make the mistake of the man we knew who spent over $900 on flowers for his wife, only to find out she hated flowers. Ask your partner what his or her favorite caring behaviors, and you will have the magic recipe for creating lasting love. By giving them what they need to feel cared for, to feel cherished and important, you build up an overflowing reservoir of positive feelings in your emotional love bank to draw upon in the future. And when both partners do this, there is a powerful synergistic effect which results in even greater feelings of closeness, passion and love.
Some of the most important emotional needs that people have in intimate relationships include needs for affection; admiration/appreciation; honesty and openness; financial contributions; stimulating conversation; sexual gratification; shared recreational interests; home/family contributions; and physical appearance/health. Sit down with your partner and discuss what each of your needs are, and how well your partner is currently meeting them. If you can consistently fulfill many of your partner’s emotional needs, you will find yourself in a passionate, loving, intimate relationship that is based on a deep, loving bond between two committed people. Unfortunately, many people make the mistake of waiting for loving feelings to be present (as they were in the beginning) to justify performing or giving loving actions toward their partner. This is exactly the opposite of how the real relationship which exists after the glow fades, where loving, caring actions elicit loving feelings in each other. If you sit around and wait for your partner to make you feel good before you engage in any caring behaviors, you will create at atmosphere of keeping score in which resentment rules and any genuine love will definitely fade away over time..
For more help in creating a passionate, loving, intimate relationship this Valentine’s Day and beyond, here are some great books with fabulous tools, exercises and insights to help you along: Hot Monogamy by Pat Love; Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard Markman and Scott Stanley; Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Willard Harley; and The Conscious Heart, by Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks.
The spirit of Valentine’s Day can be with you 365 days a year. Do something every day to continually create the best relationship you can, and you will enjoy a lifetime of lasting love with each other.
Warning Signs of Relationship Breakdown
One of the most useful recent research findings is the work which has identified the early warning signs of deterioration of an intimate relationship. Based on these signs, researchers have been able to predict with a very high degree of accuracy (about 90%) which relationships are likely to end within a few years. This information is crucial in accepting when your relationship is in serious need of more attention or help.
Dr. J. Gottman and colleagues at the University of Washington have found that there are four specific signs of deterioration of an intimate relationship. In order of increasing danger, they are listed below:
Criticism - instead of merely complaining, the person attacks and blames their partner's personality and/or character, such as "you are a selfish uncaring person";
Contempt - feedback with the intent to insult and/or psychologically abuse the partner, such as "you are more than stupid: a total idiot ";
Defensiveness - not being willing to listen to anything your partner has to say to you, out of fear of them hurting or attacking you; and
Stonewalling - ignoring, avoiding and distancing from your partner.
References: Gottman, J. M. (1993). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of Family Psychology, 7, 57-75; Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Books.
Dr. H. Markman and Dr. S. Stanley at the University of Colorado have also identified four warning signs of deterioration:
Escalation of negativity during the couples' interaction - an increase in complaining and criticism;
Invalidation of each other - not making attempts to understand each other's points of view;
Negative interpretation of neutral or positive events - when one person does or says something which is clearly meant to be neutral or even positive, but their partner interprets their intentions as being hostile or negative; and
Avoidance and withdrawal from partner.
References: Markman, H.J., Floyd, F.J., Stanley, S.M., & Storaasli, R.D. (1988) Prevention of marital distress: A longitudinal investigation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 56, 210-217; Markman, H., Stanley, S. and Blumberg, S. Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, 1994.
These research findings are very similar, despite completely different couples and research agendas. If you notice that your relationship is experiencing two or more of these signs, your relationship needs some extra help and attention.. An ounce of prevention can save an incredible amount of emotional, financial and physical pain.
Call us at (248) 546-0407 or email us at info@relationship-institute.com and let us show you how to resolve past hurts and resentments, and create a more loving, close, healthy relationship that can last a lifetime.
Dr. J. Gottman and colleagues at the University of Washington have found that there are four specific signs of deterioration of an intimate relationship. In order of increasing danger, they are listed below:
Criticism - instead of merely complaining, the person attacks and blames their partner's personality and/or character, such as "you are a selfish uncaring person";
Contempt - feedback with the intent to insult and/or psychologically abuse the partner, such as "you are more than stupid: a total idiot ";
Defensiveness - not being willing to listen to anything your partner has to say to you, out of fear of them hurting or attacking you; and
Stonewalling - ignoring, avoiding and distancing from your partner.
References: Gottman, J. M. (1993). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of Family Psychology, 7, 57-75; Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Books.
Dr. H. Markman and Dr. S. Stanley at the University of Colorado have also identified four warning signs of deterioration:
Escalation of negativity during the couples' interaction - an increase in complaining and criticism;
Invalidation of each other - not making attempts to understand each other's points of view;
Negative interpretation of neutral or positive events - when one person does or says something which is clearly meant to be neutral or even positive, but their partner interprets their intentions as being hostile or negative; and
Avoidance and withdrawal from partner.
References: Markman, H.J., Floyd, F.J., Stanley, S.M., & Storaasli, R.D. (1988) Prevention of marital distress: A longitudinal investigation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 56, 210-217; Markman, H., Stanley, S. and Blumberg, S. Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, 1994.
These research findings are very similar, despite completely different couples and research agendas. If you notice that your relationship is experiencing two or more of these signs, your relationship needs some extra help and attention.. An ounce of prevention can save an incredible amount of emotional, financial and physical pain.
Call us at (248) 546-0407 or email us at info@relationship-institute.com and let us show you how to resolve past hurts and resentments, and create a more loving, close, healthy relationship that can last a lifetime.
Why Do We Hurt the One We Love
One of the most common (and most frustrating) relationship dynamics that we hear about is couples who feel emotionally wounded by each other on a regular basis. They both love each other, and want to stay together, yet they keep hurting each other through verbal abuse, physical rejection, taking each other for granted, betraying emotional trust, or bringing up the most vulnerable topics from their partner’s past. This is a such a common phenomenon that it became the focus of the famous 1944 song by Allan Roberts and Doris Fisher, "You Always Hurt the One You Love", with this bizarre last line: "So if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all." Huh? That’s clearly not love.
Why do we do this? We hurt the one we love for several reasons:
1) Unconscious re-creation of emotional trauma - we all experience various degrees of emotional hurt and trauma growing up. Unfortunately, we form part of our identities around whatever we experience, be it love, distance, drama, or verbal or physical abuse. As adults, we may feel most alive or most like ourselves when we are feeling the same way we did as children, and so we may do things unconsciously to get our partner to trigger those feelings. For example, a person who grew up with a lot of distance may feel uncomfortable with closeness, and may sabotage it by picking fights or avoiding intimacy. Or a person who grew up in a chaotic, dramatic home may be uncomfortable with harmony and quiet and always seem to trigger chaos or drama in their relationships.
Also, as adults, our fantasy is that we will find a person who will finally give us the love we never got as children. If we can’t get the love from our original parent or caretaker, the next best thing is to get the love from someone who has a very similar personality to the person we originally feel wounded by. We’ll generally feel a lot of attraction, chemistry and intensity in our love with such adult partners, due to the interlocking nature of our emotional baggage.
But what we may not realize though, is that this person that we fall in love has the perfect tools and personality to emotionally re-create our childhood hurts. After the initial infatuation wears off and we are in a deeper, committed relationship, their fears (and ours) often get activated. And when they get afraid, they will strike out in exactly the same way that our parents or caretakers did. The result? We get wounded again. Only now it’s worse, because the very person who we hoped could give us the love we never got, is hurting us. Not because they ‘love us most of all’, but because they are unaware of their own unconscious defenses.
2) We lack the knowledge and skills of how to communicate our feelings constructively - many people may realize how they hurt their partners, and feel like they want to change that behavior, but simply not know how to change, or how to communicate what they are feeling in a constructive manner. Our culture does very little to teach us how to relate to our own feelings, and how to communicate those feelings to others in a safe, healthy way. Men especially may feel uncomfortable dealing with feelings of fear or vulnerability and may feel safer expressing anger or control when they are really scared.
So what can we do to stop hurting the one we love? We all have to take responsibility for getting clear and resolving our own emotional hurts from the past. We need to learn how to make it safe for our partners to express how they feel. We need to learn how to create a loving presence where we genuinely listen and validate our partners’ experience. We need to learn how to express feelings in ways that bring us closer, not in ways that create more distance and hurt. We may need to do some work together to understand how and why we trigger each other to lash out in hurtful and destructive ways. We need to respect the fact that in an intimate committed relationship, we have access to the most private and vulnerable aspects of each other’s lives. We need to treat that as a sacred privilege that we relate to with the utmost respect, not as an entitlement to trample upon for our own ego gratification.
We are all on a journey of awakening, and intimate relationships provide us with a powerful opportunity to see ourselves and our psychological and spiritual lessons more clearly. We can hide from ourselves, from our therapists, from our bodies, from our spiritual teachers and from our friends, but we cannot hide from the one we love and who loves us. All of our stuff will eventually come to light through this mysterious and wonderful process we call love. And when it does, we can choose to defend, judge, attack and run away. Or we can choose to be present, to look inside with acceptance and love for ourselves, and to feel gratitude that this aspect of ourselves has revealed itself. Then can we clearly see that any part of ourselves that hurts others is simply a part of ourselves that needs more love. From this perspective, we hurt the one we love so that we can learn to love ourselves and others more unconditionally, more deeply, and more completely. And by loving and healing ourselves, we ultimately heal our partners’ wounds as well, because we make it safer for them to fully be who they are, and to experience the deeper Oneness and magic that only love can bring to our lives.
Why do we do this? We hurt the one we love for several reasons:
1) Unconscious re-creation of emotional trauma - we all experience various degrees of emotional hurt and trauma growing up. Unfortunately, we form part of our identities around whatever we experience, be it love, distance, drama, or verbal or physical abuse. As adults, we may feel most alive or most like ourselves when we are feeling the same way we did as children, and so we may do things unconsciously to get our partner to trigger those feelings. For example, a person who grew up with a lot of distance may feel uncomfortable with closeness, and may sabotage it by picking fights or avoiding intimacy. Or a person who grew up in a chaotic, dramatic home may be uncomfortable with harmony and quiet and always seem to trigger chaos or drama in their relationships.
Also, as adults, our fantasy is that we will find a person who will finally give us the love we never got as children. If we can’t get the love from our original parent or caretaker, the next best thing is to get the love from someone who has a very similar personality to the person we originally feel wounded by. We’ll generally feel a lot of attraction, chemistry and intensity in our love with such adult partners, due to the interlocking nature of our emotional baggage.
But what we may not realize though, is that this person that we fall in love has the perfect tools and personality to emotionally re-create our childhood hurts. After the initial infatuation wears off and we are in a deeper, committed relationship, their fears (and ours) often get activated. And when they get afraid, they will strike out in exactly the same way that our parents or caretakers did. The result? We get wounded again. Only now it’s worse, because the very person who we hoped could give us the love we never got, is hurting us. Not because they ‘love us most of all’, but because they are unaware of their own unconscious defenses.
2) We lack the knowledge and skills of how to communicate our feelings constructively - many people may realize how they hurt their partners, and feel like they want to change that behavior, but simply not know how to change, or how to communicate what they are feeling in a constructive manner. Our culture does very little to teach us how to relate to our own feelings, and how to communicate those feelings to others in a safe, healthy way. Men especially may feel uncomfortable dealing with feelings of fear or vulnerability and may feel safer expressing anger or control when they are really scared.
So what can we do to stop hurting the one we love? We all have to take responsibility for getting clear and resolving our own emotional hurts from the past. We need to learn how to make it safe for our partners to express how they feel. We need to learn how to create a loving presence where we genuinely listen and validate our partners’ experience. We need to learn how to express feelings in ways that bring us closer, not in ways that create more distance and hurt. We may need to do some work together to understand how and why we trigger each other to lash out in hurtful and destructive ways. We need to respect the fact that in an intimate committed relationship, we have access to the most private and vulnerable aspects of each other’s lives. We need to treat that as a sacred privilege that we relate to with the utmost respect, not as an entitlement to trample upon for our own ego gratification.
We are all on a journey of awakening, and intimate relationships provide us with a powerful opportunity to see ourselves and our psychological and spiritual lessons more clearly. We can hide from ourselves, from our therapists, from our bodies, from our spiritual teachers and from our friends, but we cannot hide from the one we love and who loves us. All of our stuff will eventually come to light through this mysterious and wonderful process we call love. And when it does, we can choose to defend, judge, attack and run away. Or we can choose to be present, to look inside with acceptance and love for ourselves, and to feel gratitude that this aspect of ourselves has revealed itself. Then can we clearly see that any part of ourselves that hurts others is simply a part of ourselves that needs more love. From this perspective, we hurt the one we love so that we can learn to love ourselves and others more unconditionally, more deeply, and more completely. And by loving and healing ourselves, we ultimately heal our partners’ wounds as well, because we make it safer for them to fully be who they are, and to experience the deeper Oneness and magic that only love can bring to our lives.
Empathic Listening
One of the greatest gifts we can give another human being is our unconditional presence. To do this well, we must be able to be receptive, without judgment or expectation, to put aside our own needs and concerns and be genuinely available in a warm, heartfelt manner. Yet we live in a culture that teaches and rewards us for being exactly the opposite: reactive, proactive, independent, assertive and opinionated. As a result, many people equate listening with passivity and weakness. We also live in a multi-sensory commercialized media world that invites us to be distracted from intimate connection with others. It’s wonderful that communication today can be lightning fast, yet email or instant messaging is a poor substitute for live, unconditional human presence. So how can we learn to be fully present with and for each other?
We can do this by learning to listen in a genuinely empathic way. Empathic listening integrates an attitude of childlike curiosity with the grace of a world-class ballerina, the compassion of Mother Theresa and the peace of Thich Nhat Hanh. When we listen empathically, we are fully available and present for the other. We have no preconceived notions about what’s going on with them. We approach them freshly, with Suzuki Roshi’s "Beginner’s Mind", where possibilities are many. We are not busy rehearsing our rebuttal to what they are saying, just waiting for a moment to break in and interrupt. We do not care if we are right and they are wrong. We have no need to defend ourselves or to prove ourselves brilliant, insightful or witty. We do have a burning desire to understand what the essence of this person is all about in this moment. We are pure awareness, soaking in the words but going far beyond the words and fully resonating with the other energetically.
At a workshop last year a couple had been struggling with communication issues. "I know how to listen," the man started defensively, obviously impatient and angry with his lover. "The problem is she never hears me. She’s always telling me how wrong I am." The woman said nothing, her face blank and expressionless. "What do you think is going on for her, what do you think it’s like to be living with you in this relationship?" we inquired. "I don’t know, I guess she’s...well who knows, she’s always angry at me because of what happened to her as a child. She thinks everything is my fault. She blames me for everything." "Yes but what is it like to be her right now? What does it feel like inside her skin?" "I already told you," he said, annoyed, his anger rising, "she’s always in a bad mood, always mad at me, always blaming me."
We then invited the man to listen in a different way. We had the couple sit together, facing one another, looking each other in the eye, and asked them not to speak but rather to breathe in synchrony with one another. After just a few minutes, the rhythm of their breaths gradually harmonized. Their faces softened. "Now let’s find out what’s really going on for her right now." She looked up tentatively, afraid to speak, afraid of his reaction. "Can you tell him, from the deepest place within yourself, what’s going on for you right now in this relationship?" She nodded silently, letting the words form within. "I...I...well I’m just so sad, sad and hopeless. And I guess scared, too." She stopped, waiting for the anger which was certain to come. But instead of anger, he continued to breathe with her. He nodded and looked at her in a way that let her know that he got it, he understood in a way she had never felt before. Her face brightened, with the frail edges of hope arising at the corners of her eyes. She continued, "I love you so much and yet...and yet we’re so ugly with each other at times that it scares me." This time he put his arms around her, they hugged tenderly, and both began sobbing. No more words were spoken, yet these few sentences uttered with unconditional presence proved to be the beginning of a healthier, more loving relationship. Months later they both pointed to this simple, brief interaction as the pivotal moment that their relationship began to improve.
The practice of empathic listening is also illustrated by the story of the famous professor who visited the Zen monk, supposedly to learn of his teachings. As the professor rattled on discussing his philosophies, the monk asked if he would like some tea. The professor nodded, barely pausing in his dissertation of his latest theory. The monk filled up the professor’s teacup, and kept right on pouring after the cup was full. The tea overflowed the cup and went all over the floor, yet the monk kept right on pouring. "What are doing?" yelled the professor. "Can you not see the cup is full?" "Yes I can," said the monk, smiling. "This cup is like your mind, so full of your own ideas that there is no room in it to really hear anything I or anyone else might have to teach you."
Keep your cup open, especially with those closest to you. As Stephen Covey puts it, seek to understand before being understood. Give those in your life the precious gift of your unconditional presence. By doing so, you create an opportunity to journey to a greater depth of intimacy and connection than was ever possible before.
We can do this by learning to listen in a genuinely empathic way. Empathic listening integrates an attitude of childlike curiosity with the grace of a world-class ballerina, the compassion of Mother Theresa and the peace of Thich Nhat Hanh. When we listen empathically, we are fully available and present for the other. We have no preconceived notions about what’s going on with them. We approach them freshly, with Suzuki Roshi’s "Beginner’s Mind", where possibilities are many. We are not busy rehearsing our rebuttal to what they are saying, just waiting for a moment to break in and interrupt. We do not care if we are right and they are wrong. We have no need to defend ourselves or to prove ourselves brilliant, insightful or witty. We do have a burning desire to understand what the essence of this person is all about in this moment. We are pure awareness, soaking in the words but going far beyond the words and fully resonating with the other energetically.
At a workshop last year a couple had been struggling with communication issues. "I know how to listen," the man started defensively, obviously impatient and angry with his lover. "The problem is she never hears me. She’s always telling me how wrong I am." The woman said nothing, her face blank and expressionless. "What do you think is going on for her, what do you think it’s like to be living with you in this relationship?" we inquired. "I don’t know, I guess she’s...well who knows, she’s always angry at me because of what happened to her as a child. She thinks everything is my fault. She blames me for everything." "Yes but what is it like to be her right now? What does it feel like inside her skin?" "I already told you," he said, annoyed, his anger rising, "she’s always in a bad mood, always mad at me, always blaming me."
We then invited the man to listen in a different way. We had the couple sit together, facing one another, looking each other in the eye, and asked them not to speak but rather to breathe in synchrony with one another. After just a few minutes, the rhythm of their breaths gradually harmonized. Their faces softened. "Now let’s find out what’s really going on for her right now." She looked up tentatively, afraid to speak, afraid of his reaction. "Can you tell him, from the deepest place within yourself, what’s going on for you right now in this relationship?" She nodded silently, letting the words form within. "I...I...well I’m just so sad, sad and hopeless. And I guess scared, too." She stopped, waiting for the anger which was certain to come. But instead of anger, he continued to breathe with her. He nodded and looked at her in a way that let her know that he got it, he understood in a way she had never felt before. Her face brightened, with the frail edges of hope arising at the corners of her eyes. She continued, "I love you so much and yet...and yet we’re so ugly with each other at times that it scares me." This time he put his arms around her, they hugged tenderly, and both began sobbing. No more words were spoken, yet these few sentences uttered with unconditional presence proved to be the beginning of a healthier, more loving relationship. Months later they both pointed to this simple, brief interaction as the pivotal moment that their relationship began to improve.
The practice of empathic listening is also illustrated by the story of the famous professor who visited the Zen monk, supposedly to learn of his teachings. As the professor rattled on discussing his philosophies, the monk asked if he would like some tea. The professor nodded, barely pausing in his dissertation of his latest theory. The monk filled up the professor’s teacup, and kept right on pouring after the cup was full. The tea overflowed the cup and went all over the floor, yet the monk kept right on pouring. "What are doing?" yelled the professor. "Can you not see the cup is full?" "Yes I can," said the monk, smiling. "This cup is like your mind, so full of your own ideas that there is no room in it to really hear anything I or anyone else might have to teach you."
Keep your cup open, especially with those closest to you. As Stephen Covey puts it, seek to understand before being understood. Give those in your life the precious gift of your unconditional presence. By doing so, you create an opportunity to journey to a greater depth of intimacy and connection than was ever possible before.
Dealing with Anger
Everywhere you look in today’s world, we are hearing about people expressing anger, often in a destructive, inappropriate way. "Rage" used to be a term reserved for strange, out-of-control people, but now we have road rage, workplace rage and even airplane rage. Violent outbursts are commonplace on TV talk shows. Gun rampages in public places have become a typical news event. What’s going on?
American culture has a bizarre relationship with the energy of anger and its inappropriate expression as violence. In our consumer lifestyle, we know that violence sells. The promotion of violence is a multi-billion dollar business, affecting virtually every aspect of our lives. Think for a moment about the expressions of violence on TV, movies, video games, professional sports, and many forms of recreation. We dare not show a single naked breast or penis on TV, but we can show hundreds of horrible, bloody murders every day of the week. A startling statistic is that by the time they finish elementary school, the average American child (who watches just 3.5 hours of TV a week) will have witnessed 12,000 murders and more than 150,000 other acts of violence on TV.
We teach our children to not hit their siblings and then roar in delight at the vicious fight at the hockey game or the bone-crushing tackle at the football game. The top stories on our local news are often nothing more than a review of the most sensationally violent acts in our community in the past day. By virtually any measure you use, American society is the most violent society in the history of recorded civilization.
This is some evidence that we are modeling what we learn through the media, where violence is often presented with few realistic consequences. The National Television Violence Study in 1995 found that 47% of the violent acts shown resulted in no observable harm to the victim; only 16% of violent shows contained a message about the long term negative repercussions of violence; and in a whopping 73% of all violent scenes, the perpetrator went unpunished. The study found 44% of the shows on network stations contained at least some violence, compared with 59% on basic cable and 85% on premium channels. It’s interesting to note that the more money people pay for a television service, the more violence it contains! Studies by George Gerbner, Ph.D. at the University of Pennsylvania have shown that children who watch a lot of television are more likely to think that the world is a mean and dangerous place; they become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others; and they are more likely to behave in aggressive or harmful ways toward others.
With adults, people who cannot deal appropriately with their anger teach their children that violence is an acceptable way to deal with conflict. Men who have witnessed their parents' domestic violence are three times more likely to abuse their own wives than children of non violent parents, with the sons of the most violent parents being 1000 times more likely to become perpetrators of violent acts toward women. During each year women were the victims of more than 4.5 million violent crimes, including approximately 500,000 rapes or other sexual assaults. In 29 percent of the violent crimes against women by lone offenders the perpetrators were husbands, former husbands, boyfriends or former boyfriends.
So why as a culture do we teach, promote, and model destructive, inappropriate, unrealistic expressions of anger? We are fascinated with anger and violence because we are terrified of and uncomfortable with our own power. As a culture, we try to make nice, to make believe that we are not angry people, and harshly judge others that are. Our anger is the shadow side of the positive, upbeat, prosperous American psyche. Violence sells because it is tapping into a deeply repressed aspect of the American psyche. We tuck our anger away in the darkest, most shameful recesses of our minds and hearts, and then are horrified and surprised when it comes blasting out. Yet it is a fundamental principle of psychology that whatever we disown, cut off or otherwise repress in our psyche becomes stronger than it actually is, and eventually will force us to recognize its existence by coming to the surface in a distorted, exaggerated or impulsive manner.
So if there is an answer to this issue of anger and violence, it is that we all must recognize, befriend and own our own power, our own potential for anger and even violence, and come to terms with that energy. Anger is an energy that can be harnessed and channeled in any number of ways, some of them very constructive. But that can only happen if we’re willing to look our own anger straight in the eye without fear, denial or minimization. Anger is the elephant in our collective living rooms that no one wants to talk about other than in harsh, judgmental terms about other people.
Anger Management
Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival. On the other hand, we obviously can't lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us. So expressing your angry feelings in an assertive, not aggressive manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
The goal of any type of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physical arousal that anger causes. While you can’t always change the situations or people that upset you, you can learn to control your reactions. Here are some great tools to try:
1. Relaxation - simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. Books such as The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson and Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabatt-Zinn are excellent sources for instruction in meditation and relaxation. Once you learn the techniques, you can use them in anywhere to quickly calm down.
For additional help with relaxation, practice breathing deeply from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest doesn’t tend to elicit nearly as deep a sensation of relaxation. Picture your breath coming up from your diaphragm while you slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply and putting attention on your breath. Use imagery: visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination, with as many senses involved in the visualization as possible. Hatha yoga is also a great method for relaxing your muscles and making you feel much calmer.
2. Change Your Thoughts - Angry people tend to think negative, critical thoughts about themselves or others. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated, overly dramatic and irrational. Try replacing these thoughts with more positive and rational ones. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Also, when angry, people often feel victimized. So it’s helpful to reflect on what’s happening and take responsibility for whatever you are doing to partially create the situation that frustrates you.
3. Communicate Directly After you Calm Down - when angry, people make assumptions that may not be true about others’ intentions. So slow down, calm down, and speak clearly about whatever it is that is frustrating you to the person(s) involved. Talk about your feelings and perceptions rather than blaming others. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
4. Take Time for Yourself - make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day or days of the week that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the woman who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to me unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids and husband without yelling at them.
There are some excellent self-help books available on the topic of dealing with anger. Two of our favorites address specific gender issues that men and women face: The Dance of Anger: A Women’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, by Harriet Lerner and Beyond Anger, A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Get More Out of Life, by Thomas Harbin.
Anger is an expression of our life force. When manifest in an appropriate manner, it can be an intelligent expression and reaction to the circumstances of our lives. When we befriend our anger, we tame its impulsive expression and give ourselves a valuable tool to create constructive change for ourselves and the world. We encourage you to start wherever you are, with compassion and love for all parts of yourself, and begin to explore your own relationship with this powerful and necessary life energy. And be honest with yourself in the process: if you cannot understand this energy, if it feels like a wild beast or a scary monster, seek out help from those who can guide your journey of healing and discovery in a safe and constructive manner.
The Relationship Institute has several programs to help people learn to manage their anger constructively. Please call (248) 546-0407 for more information if you or someone you care about has had problems in this area.
American culture has a bizarre relationship with the energy of anger and its inappropriate expression as violence. In our consumer lifestyle, we know that violence sells. The promotion of violence is a multi-billion dollar business, affecting virtually every aspect of our lives. Think for a moment about the expressions of violence on TV, movies, video games, professional sports, and many forms of recreation. We dare not show a single naked breast or penis on TV, but we can show hundreds of horrible, bloody murders every day of the week. A startling statistic is that by the time they finish elementary school, the average American child (who watches just 3.5 hours of TV a week) will have witnessed 12,000 murders and more than 150,000 other acts of violence on TV.
We teach our children to not hit their siblings and then roar in delight at the vicious fight at the hockey game or the bone-crushing tackle at the football game. The top stories on our local news are often nothing more than a review of the most sensationally violent acts in our community in the past day. By virtually any measure you use, American society is the most violent society in the history of recorded civilization.
This is some evidence that we are modeling what we learn through the media, where violence is often presented with few realistic consequences. The National Television Violence Study in 1995 found that 47% of the violent acts shown resulted in no observable harm to the victim; only 16% of violent shows contained a message about the long term negative repercussions of violence; and in a whopping 73% of all violent scenes, the perpetrator went unpunished. The study found 44% of the shows on network stations contained at least some violence, compared with 59% on basic cable and 85% on premium channels. It’s interesting to note that the more money people pay for a television service, the more violence it contains! Studies by George Gerbner, Ph.D. at the University of Pennsylvania have shown that children who watch a lot of television are more likely to think that the world is a mean and dangerous place; they become less sensitive to the pain and suffering of others; and they are more likely to behave in aggressive or harmful ways toward others.
With adults, people who cannot deal appropriately with their anger teach their children that violence is an acceptable way to deal with conflict. Men who have witnessed their parents' domestic violence are three times more likely to abuse their own wives than children of non violent parents, with the sons of the most violent parents being 1000 times more likely to become perpetrators of violent acts toward women. During each year women were the victims of more than 4.5 million violent crimes, including approximately 500,000 rapes or other sexual assaults. In 29 percent of the violent crimes against women by lone offenders the perpetrators were husbands, former husbands, boyfriends or former boyfriends.
So why as a culture do we teach, promote, and model destructive, inappropriate, unrealistic expressions of anger? We are fascinated with anger and violence because we are terrified of and uncomfortable with our own power. As a culture, we try to make nice, to make believe that we are not angry people, and harshly judge others that are. Our anger is the shadow side of the positive, upbeat, prosperous American psyche. Violence sells because it is tapping into a deeply repressed aspect of the American psyche. We tuck our anger away in the darkest, most shameful recesses of our minds and hearts, and then are horrified and surprised when it comes blasting out. Yet it is a fundamental principle of psychology that whatever we disown, cut off or otherwise repress in our psyche becomes stronger than it actually is, and eventually will force us to recognize its existence by coming to the surface in a distorted, exaggerated or impulsive manner.
So if there is an answer to this issue of anger and violence, it is that we all must recognize, befriend and own our own power, our own potential for anger and even violence, and come to terms with that energy. Anger is an energy that can be harnessed and channeled in any number of ways, some of them very constructive. But that can only happen if we’re willing to look our own anger straight in the eye without fear, denial or minimization. Anger is the elephant in our collective living rooms that no one wants to talk about other than in harsh, judgmental terms about other people.
Anger Management
Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival. On the other hand, we obviously can't lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us. So expressing your angry feelings in an assertive, not aggressive manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
The goal of any type of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physical arousal that anger causes. While you can’t always change the situations or people that upset you, you can learn to control your reactions. Here are some great tools to try:
1. Relaxation - simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. Books such as The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson and Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabatt-Zinn are excellent sources for instruction in meditation and relaxation. Once you learn the techniques, you can use them in anywhere to quickly calm down.
For additional help with relaxation, practice breathing deeply from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest doesn’t tend to elicit nearly as deep a sensation of relaxation. Picture your breath coming up from your diaphragm while you slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply and putting attention on your breath. Use imagery: visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination, with as many senses involved in the visualization as possible. Hatha yoga is also a great method for relaxing your muscles and making you feel much calmer.
2. Change Your Thoughts - Angry people tend to think negative, critical thoughts about themselves or others. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated, overly dramatic and irrational. Try replacing these thoughts with more positive and rational ones. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Also, when angry, people often feel victimized. So it’s helpful to reflect on what’s happening and take responsibility for whatever you are doing to partially create the situation that frustrates you.
3. Communicate Directly After you Calm Down - when angry, people make assumptions that may not be true about others’ intentions. So slow down, calm down, and speak clearly about whatever it is that is frustrating you to the person(s) involved. Talk about your feelings and perceptions rather than blaming others. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
4. Take Time for Yourself - make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day or days of the week that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the woman who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to me unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids and husband without yelling at them.
There are some excellent self-help books available on the topic of dealing with anger. Two of our favorites address specific gender issues that men and women face: The Dance of Anger: A Women’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, by Harriet Lerner and Beyond Anger, A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Get More Out of Life, by Thomas Harbin.
Anger is an expression of our life force. When manifest in an appropriate manner, it can be an intelligent expression and reaction to the circumstances of our lives. When we befriend our anger, we tame its impulsive expression and give ourselves a valuable tool to create constructive change for ourselves and the world. We encourage you to start wherever you are, with compassion and love for all parts of yourself, and begin to explore your own relationship with this powerful and necessary life energy. And be honest with yourself in the process: if you cannot understand this energy, if it feels like a wild beast or a scary monster, seek out help from those who can guide your journey of healing and discovery in a safe and constructive manner.
The Relationship Institute has several programs to help people learn to manage their anger constructively. Please call (248) 546-0407 for more information if you or someone you care about has had problems in this area.
Differences Between Men and Women
People in relationships often have strong expectations that their partner will be just like they are: exhibit the same attitudes, values, perceptions and behaviors. However, we know that you will not change your partner's attitudes and behaviors unless they themselves are motivated to do so. You are even less likely to change their basic gender characteristics. So it is very important to educate yourself as to the basic gender differences which exist between men and women, and accept the fact that the differences are there, they are real, and they are not going away. In this way you can learn to use the differences as a way to enrich your relationship rather than to damage it.
Are Men and Women really different? Let's look at the evidence in a variety of areas of life. Note that these findings are generalizations and summaries that apply to most men or women, but not to all men or all women.
1. PHYSIOLOGICAL DIFFERENCES
* Girls develop right side of brain faster than boys: leads to talking, vocabulary, pronunciation, reading earlier, better memory.
* Boys develop left side faster than girls: visual-spatial-logical skills, perceptual skills, better at math, problem solving, building and figuring out puzzles.
* Girls more interested in toys with faces than boys are; play with stuffed animals and dolls more; boys drawn to blocks or anything that can be manipulated.
* Women use both hemispheres of brain; corpus callosum thicker in women.
2. SOCIAL INFLUENCES
Studies of infants:
* Both men and women speak louder to boys than girl infants; they are softer and express more "cooing" with girls. Boys are rarely told they are sweet, pretty, little doll; boys are told they are a pumpkin head or "Hey big guy".
* Boys handled more physically and robustly than girls, bounced around more .
* Girls are caressed and stroked more than boys.
* Up to age 2, mothers tend to talk to and look at their daughters significantly more than than they do with their sons, and make more eye contact with the daughters as well.
* Mothers show a wider range of emotional response to girls than boys. When girls showed anger, mothers faces showed greater facial disapproval than when boys showed anger. May influence why girls grow up smiling more, more social, and better able to interpret emotions than boys.
* Fathers use "Command terms" with boys more than girls; and more than mothers gave.
Developmental Differences Between Boys and Girls:
* Nursery rhymes, books and cartoons perpetuate stereotypes,which often promote damsel in distress, frumpy housewife, helpless senior citizen, sexy heroine and swooning cheerleader.
* Girls use more terms of endearment than boys.
* Boys get away with more aggressive antisocial behavior in school and home than girls.
* Girls who act as tomboys are accepted; boys who act like girls are severely reprimanded ("don't cry" "Don't be a sissy").
* Girls tend to talk about other people; secrets in order to bond friendships; and school, wishes and needs.
* Boys talk about things and activities. What they are doing and who is best at the activity.
* Teenage girls talk about boys, clothes and weight.
* Teenage boys talk about sports, mechanics, and function of things.
* age 12-18: biggest event for girls: have a boyfriend
* are 12-18: boys are equally interested in the following: sex, cars and sports.
* This carries into adulthood when women talk about relationships, people, diet, clothing, physical appearance. Men talk about sports, work, money, cars, news, politics, and the mechanics of things.
3. VALUES AND SELF ESTEEM AS ADULTS
MEN
* A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results, through success and accomplishment. Achieve goals and prove his competence and feel good about himself.
* To feel good about himself, men must achieve goals by themselves.
* For men, doing things by themselves is a symbol of efficiency, power and competence.
* In general, men are more interested in objects and things rather than people and feelings.
* Men rarely talk about their problems unless they are seeking "expert" advice; asking for help when you can do something yourself is a sign of weakness.
* Men are more aggressive than women; more combative and territorial.
* Men's self esteem is more career-related.
* Men feel devastated by failure and financial setbacks; they tend to obsess about money much more than women
* Men hate to ask for information because it shows they are a failure.
WOMEN:
* Women value love, communication, beauty and relationships.
* A woman's sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They spend much time supporting, nurturing and helping each other. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.
* Personal expression, in clothes and feelings, is very important. Communication is important. Talking, sharing and relating is how a woman feels good about herself.
* For women, offering help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength; it is a sign of caring to give support.
* Women are very concerned about issues relating to physical attractiveness; changes in this area can be as difficult for women as changes in a man's financial status.
* When men are preoccupied with work or money, women interpret it as rejection.
4. OTHER DIFFERENCES
* Men are more logical, analytical, rational.
* Women are more intuitive, holistic, creative, integrative.
* Men have a much more difficult time relating to their own feelings, and may feel very threatened by the expression of feelings in their presence. This may cause them to react by withdrawing or attempting to control the situation through a display of control and/or power.
* Men are actually more vulnerable and dependent on relationships than women are and are more devastated by the ending, since they have fewer friends and sources of emotional support.
* Men are more at ease with their own angry feelings than women are.
* Women are in touch with a much wider range of feelings than men, and the intensity of those feelings is usually much greater for women than men. As a result of this, many man perceive that women's feelings appear to change quickly; men may find this irrational and difficult to understand.
* Men tend to be more functional in approaching problem-solving; women are aesthetically-oriented in addition to being functional.
* Women tend to be much more sensitive to sounds and smells than men are; and women as such tend to place a greater emphasis on "atmosphere".
5. CONFLICTS WHICH ARISE DUE TO BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
* The most frequent complain men have about women: Women are always trying to change them.
* The most frequent complaint women have about men: Men don't listen.
* Women want empathy, yet men usually offer solutions.
* When a woman tries to change or improve or correct or give advice to a man, men hear that they are being told that they aren't competent or don't know how to do something or that they can't do something on their own.
* Men often feel responsible or to blame for women's problems.
* Men always assume women want advice and solutions to problems, that that is the best way to be helpful and to show love; women often just want someone to sincerely listen to them.
* Housework: men avoid it, try to get others to do it at all costs, feel demeaned by doing it. For women, cleanliness of house is a manifestation of warm, homey nest. Men and women have different thresholds for cleanliness and dirt.
* Men often try to change a woman's mood when she is upset by offering solutions to her problems, which she interprets as discounting and invalidating her feelings.
* Women try to change men's behavior by offering unsolicited advice and criticism and becoming a home-improvement committee.
6. HOW TO WORK WITH THESE DIFFERENCES
* When women are upset, it is not the time to offer solutions, though that may be appropriate at a future time when she is calmed down.
* A man appreciates advice and criticism when it is requested. Men want to make improvements when they feel they are being approached as a solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
* Men have great needs for status and independence (emphasis on separate and different); women have needs for intimacy and connection (emphasis on close and same).
* Women need to receive caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
* Women are motivated when they feel special or cherished.
* Men need to receive trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, encouragement.
* Men are motivated when they feel needed. A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or not competent enough, though he may never express this.
7. SUMMARY
* There are major, significant differences between men and women.
* The differences are different, NOT better or worse. Do not judge the differences. Do not try to change the differences. Do not try to make them go away.
* These are generalizations! Individual differences exist; we all have some of these qualities.
* To get along, you MUST accept, expect and respect these differences.
* Be sure to remember these differences when communicationg about anything important, when expressing care and concern, and when solving conflicts.
Are Men and Women really different? Let's look at the evidence in a variety of areas of life. Note that these findings are generalizations and summaries that apply to most men or women, but not to all men or all women.
1. PHYSIOLOGICAL DIFFERENCES
* Girls develop right side of brain faster than boys: leads to talking, vocabulary, pronunciation, reading earlier, better memory.
* Boys develop left side faster than girls: visual-spatial-logical skills, perceptual skills, better at math, problem solving, building and figuring out puzzles.
* Girls more interested in toys with faces than boys are; play with stuffed animals and dolls more; boys drawn to blocks or anything that can be manipulated.
* Women use both hemispheres of brain; corpus callosum thicker in women.
2. SOCIAL INFLUENCES
Studies of infants:
* Both men and women speak louder to boys than girl infants; they are softer and express more "cooing" with girls. Boys are rarely told they are sweet, pretty, little doll; boys are told they are a pumpkin head or "Hey big guy".
* Boys handled more physically and robustly than girls, bounced around more .
* Girls are caressed and stroked more than boys.
* Up to age 2, mothers tend to talk to and look at their daughters significantly more than than they do with their sons, and make more eye contact with the daughters as well.
* Mothers show a wider range of emotional response to girls than boys. When girls showed anger, mothers faces showed greater facial disapproval than when boys showed anger. May influence why girls grow up smiling more, more social, and better able to interpret emotions than boys.
* Fathers use "Command terms" with boys more than girls; and more than mothers gave.
Developmental Differences Between Boys and Girls:
* Nursery rhymes, books and cartoons perpetuate stereotypes,which often promote damsel in distress, frumpy housewife, helpless senior citizen, sexy heroine and swooning cheerleader.
* Girls use more terms of endearment than boys.
* Boys get away with more aggressive antisocial behavior in school and home than girls.
* Girls who act as tomboys are accepted; boys who act like girls are severely reprimanded ("don't cry" "Don't be a sissy").
* Girls tend to talk about other people; secrets in order to bond friendships; and school, wishes and needs.
* Boys talk about things and activities. What they are doing and who is best at the activity.
* Teenage girls talk about boys, clothes and weight.
* Teenage boys talk about sports, mechanics, and function of things.
* age 12-18: biggest event for girls: have a boyfriend
* are 12-18: boys are equally interested in the following: sex, cars and sports.
* This carries into adulthood when women talk about relationships, people, diet, clothing, physical appearance. Men talk about sports, work, money, cars, news, politics, and the mechanics of things.
3. VALUES AND SELF ESTEEM AS ADULTS
MEN
* A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results, through success and accomplishment. Achieve goals and prove his competence and feel good about himself.
* To feel good about himself, men must achieve goals by themselves.
* For men, doing things by themselves is a symbol of efficiency, power and competence.
* In general, men are more interested in objects and things rather than people and feelings.
* Men rarely talk about their problems unless they are seeking "expert" advice; asking for help when you can do something yourself is a sign of weakness.
* Men are more aggressive than women; more combative and territorial.
* Men's self esteem is more career-related.
* Men feel devastated by failure and financial setbacks; they tend to obsess about money much more than women
* Men hate to ask for information because it shows they are a failure.
WOMEN:
* Women value love, communication, beauty and relationships.
* A woman's sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They spend much time supporting, nurturing and helping each other. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.
* Personal expression, in clothes and feelings, is very important. Communication is important. Talking, sharing and relating is how a woman feels good about herself.
* For women, offering help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength; it is a sign of caring to give support.
* Women are very concerned about issues relating to physical attractiveness; changes in this area can be as difficult for women as changes in a man's financial status.
* When men are preoccupied with work or money, women interpret it as rejection.
4. OTHER DIFFERENCES
* Men are more logical, analytical, rational.
* Women are more intuitive, holistic, creative, integrative.
* Men have a much more difficult time relating to their own feelings, and may feel very threatened by the expression of feelings in their presence. This may cause them to react by withdrawing or attempting to control the situation through a display of control and/or power.
* Men are actually more vulnerable and dependent on relationships than women are and are more devastated by the ending, since they have fewer friends and sources of emotional support.
* Men are more at ease with their own angry feelings than women are.
* Women are in touch with a much wider range of feelings than men, and the intensity of those feelings is usually much greater for women than men. As a result of this, many man perceive that women's feelings appear to change quickly; men may find this irrational and difficult to understand.
* Men tend to be more functional in approaching problem-solving; women are aesthetically-oriented in addition to being functional.
* Women tend to be much more sensitive to sounds and smells than men are; and women as such tend to place a greater emphasis on "atmosphere".
5. CONFLICTS WHICH ARISE DUE TO BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
* The most frequent complain men have about women: Women are always trying to change them.
* The most frequent complaint women have about men: Men don't listen.
* Women want empathy, yet men usually offer solutions.
* When a woman tries to change or improve or correct or give advice to a man, men hear that they are being told that they aren't competent or don't know how to do something or that they can't do something on their own.
* Men often feel responsible or to blame for women's problems.
* Men always assume women want advice and solutions to problems, that that is the best way to be helpful and to show love; women often just want someone to sincerely listen to them.
* Housework: men avoid it, try to get others to do it at all costs, feel demeaned by doing it. For women, cleanliness of house is a manifestation of warm, homey nest. Men and women have different thresholds for cleanliness and dirt.
* Men often try to change a woman's mood when she is upset by offering solutions to her problems, which she interprets as discounting and invalidating her feelings.
* Women try to change men's behavior by offering unsolicited advice and criticism and becoming a home-improvement committee.
6. HOW TO WORK WITH THESE DIFFERENCES
* When women are upset, it is not the time to offer solutions, though that may be appropriate at a future time when she is calmed down.
* A man appreciates advice and criticism when it is requested. Men want to make improvements when they feel they are being approached as a solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
* Men have great needs for status and independence (emphasis on separate and different); women have needs for intimacy and connection (emphasis on close and same).
* Women need to receive caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
* Women are motivated when they feel special or cherished.
* Men need to receive trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, encouragement.
* Men are motivated when they feel needed. A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or not competent enough, though he may never express this.
7. SUMMARY
* There are major, significant differences between men and women.
* The differences are different, NOT better or worse. Do not judge the differences. Do not try to change the differences. Do not try to make them go away.
* These are generalizations! Individual differences exist; we all have some of these qualities.
* To get along, you MUST accept, expect and respect these differences.
* Be sure to remember these differences when communicationg about anything important, when expressing care and concern, and when solving conflicts.
Cultivating Gratitude
"To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven." -Johannes A. Gaertner
Most spiritual and psychological traditions speak of the importance of cultivating a sense of gratitude in life, if one is to evolve into higher realms of human existence and consistently experience joy, aliveness and meaning in one’s life. This is especially true here in the Western world, where we are bombarded with the lure and illusory promise of material things from the moment we are born. Our entire consumer-oriented culture is based on convincing people that the real solution to their unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life is that they need to buy something they do not yet have (and often really do not need), and then making them feel even worse if they can’t or won’t buy it. All of our major indices of prosperity and success are based on the idea that consumption is good, and more consumption is better. Consequently, even if we do buy the latest thing, our satisfaction is short-lived and fades as soon as the next new gizmo comes out. As a result, people feel badly if their house "only" has 2000 square feet and their car has not grown to tank-size proportions like the ones they see in their neighbor’s driveway and their boat is only twenty feet long.
But what inner qualities does this entire industry of induced consumption breed in us? Unfortunately, it has created a nation of greedy, envious, self-serving, worried, competitive people who tend to put more attention on what they don’t have then what they have, creating more craving, more desire, more emptiness, and more longing. Compare this attitude with that of the philosopher Epictetus, who said, "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has."
And this attitude of dissatisfaction exists in a country which has more material prosperity than any country in history. Just how fortunate are we in the United States? According to recent estimates by the United Nations, worldwide, about 24,000 people die every day from hunger or hunger-related causes; some 800 million people in the world suffer from hunger and malnutrition; and 1.6 billion people still live in absolute poverty. If one includes those living in "relative poverty", the poor population across the globe amounts to 3.3 billion, more than half of the entire world. In other words, over 50% of the population on Earth would be thrilled beyond belief to live at the standard of most Americans. And yet for so many of us, it’s still not enough.
Which is where gratitude comes in. We need a major attitude shift if we are to create healthier relationships, more inner serenity, fulfillment and meaningful lives. Cicero once wrote, "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others." Gratitude paves the way for a host of other very positive qualities to emerge.
How we can cultivate more of this wonderful quality within ourselves and others? We can begin by starting a Gratitude Journal, writing down all things, both great and small, that we are grateful for in our life. Nothing is too small or insignificant to be included, because the scale of gratitude knows no bounds. You can be as grateful for the flower that bloomed today as for the home you live in, the health of your family, and the look in your dog’s eye when you come home. Review your list daily.
In terms of our relationships, we tend to take our spouses, lovers, significant others and friends for granted. There is no greater gift than to tell a loved one how much you appreciate their presence in your life. Countless times while working with couples we have seen resentment and anger melt away in the presence of sincere gratitude and appreciation. Call a friend or relative, or write a letter to let someone know what they mean to you, even if they are healthy and not in crisis. It’s also a wonderful practice to have an entire family express gratitude together on a regular basis; the earlier children start the greater their capacity for gratitude becomes.
The consistent practice of expressing gratitude also reminds us that we do not live alone; we survive only because we are constantly receiving goods from people, from nature, and from spirit. Gratitude helps us to be more aware of the many things that we receive from other people, and realize that our lives depend on the perpetual giving of others, and we feel a deeper responsibility to give more of ourselves. Albert Einstein said, "A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depends on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the measure as I have received and am still receiving".
In closing, here's a wonderful quote by Melody Beattie:
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.
Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today,
and creates a vision for tomorrow."
Most spiritual and psychological traditions speak of the importance of cultivating a sense of gratitude in life, if one is to evolve into higher realms of human existence and consistently experience joy, aliveness and meaning in one’s life. This is especially true here in the Western world, where we are bombarded with the lure and illusory promise of material things from the moment we are born. Our entire consumer-oriented culture is based on convincing people that the real solution to their unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life is that they need to buy something they do not yet have (and often really do not need), and then making them feel even worse if they can’t or won’t buy it. All of our major indices of prosperity and success are based on the idea that consumption is good, and more consumption is better. Consequently, even if we do buy the latest thing, our satisfaction is short-lived and fades as soon as the next new gizmo comes out. As a result, people feel badly if their house "only" has 2000 square feet and their car has not grown to tank-size proportions like the ones they see in their neighbor’s driveway and their boat is only twenty feet long.
But what inner qualities does this entire industry of induced consumption breed in us? Unfortunately, it has created a nation of greedy, envious, self-serving, worried, competitive people who tend to put more attention on what they don’t have then what they have, creating more craving, more desire, more emptiness, and more longing. Compare this attitude with that of the philosopher Epictetus, who said, "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has."
And this attitude of dissatisfaction exists in a country which has more material prosperity than any country in history. Just how fortunate are we in the United States? According to recent estimates by the United Nations, worldwide, about 24,000 people die every day from hunger or hunger-related causes; some 800 million people in the world suffer from hunger and malnutrition; and 1.6 billion people still live in absolute poverty. If one includes those living in "relative poverty", the poor population across the globe amounts to 3.3 billion, more than half of the entire world. In other words, over 50% of the population on Earth would be thrilled beyond belief to live at the standard of most Americans. And yet for so many of us, it’s still not enough.
Which is where gratitude comes in. We need a major attitude shift if we are to create healthier relationships, more inner serenity, fulfillment and meaningful lives. Cicero once wrote, "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others." Gratitude paves the way for a host of other very positive qualities to emerge.
How we can cultivate more of this wonderful quality within ourselves and others? We can begin by starting a Gratitude Journal, writing down all things, both great and small, that we are grateful for in our life. Nothing is too small or insignificant to be included, because the scale of gratitude knows no bounds. You can be as grateful for the flower that bloomed today as for the home you live in, the health of your family, and the look in your dog’s eye when you come home. Review your list daily.
In terms of our relationships, we tend to take our spouses, lovers, significant others and friends for granted. There is no greater gift than to tell a loved one how much you appreciate their presence in your life. Countless times while working with couples we have seen resentment and anger melt away in the presence of sincere gratitude and appreciation. Call a friend or relative, or write a letter to let someone know what they mean to you, even if they are healthy and not in crisis. It’s also a wonderful practice to have an entire family express gratitude together on a regular basis; the earlier children start the greater their capacity for gratitude becomes.
The consistent practice of expressing gratitude also reminds us that we do not live alone; we survive only because we are constantly receiving goods from people, from nature, and from spirit. Gratitude helps us to be more aware of the many things that we receive from other people, and realize that our lives depend on the perpetual giving of others, and we feel a deeper responsibility to give more of ourselves. Albert Einstein said, "A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depends on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the measure as I have received and am still receiving".
In closing, here's a wonderful quote by Melody Beattie:
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.
Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today,
and creates a vision for tomorrow."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
