If we told you we knew about something that would extend your life span by up to eight years, improve your immune system, reduce the incidence of physical, mental and substance abuse disorders, help you recover from illness and surgery more quickly, result in more satisfying and more frequent sexual relations, and increase your financial net worth, would you be interested in finding out how to get this thing for yourself? How much would you pay for it if it was in a pill? How hard would you work to get it? Just what is this amazing thing? A new miracle vitamin or nutritional supplement? A new tape program advertised in hour-long infomercials on late-night TV?
The good news is that we all are very familiar with this magical something that adds all these benefits to our lives. It's called marriage. That's right, marriage. A book, The Case for Marriage, by sociologist Dr. Linda Waite, a top family scholar at the University of Chicago, and Maggie Gallagher, Director of the Marriage Program at the Institute for American Values, discusses the enormous multi-dimensional benefits of being married.
Among the findings from the research that led to this book:
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married people live up to eight years' longer than divorced or never-married people. In fact, over 90% of married people live to be at least 65 years old, while only 60% of divorced and never married people live to this moderate age;
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Waite also found that the incidence of all forms of mental and physical illness were reduced in married people as compared with unmarried or divorced people;
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percentages of people engaging in unhealthy levels of alcohol or drug consumption were also significantly lower among married people;
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married people even have sex twice as often as single people, and report deeper levels of satisfaction with their sexual relations. Unmarried couples who live together also have active sex lives but, like unmarried people, get less emotional satisfaction from it than married people.
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married people have more than twice as much total net assets, on average, as unmarried people. Married couples not only save more while enjoying some economies of scale, but married men also earn up to 26 percent more than single men.
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moderate domestic violence (defined as hitting, shoving or throwing things at a partner) occurred half as often with married couples and cohabiting couples engaged to marry, as compared to cohabiting couples not planning to marry.
At our workshops, we often hear people say that attracting a healthy partner or working on their current relationship is 'too hard' and requires 'too much work'. Yet in light of these powerful findings, it is obvious that a good marriage can enhance and expand the quality of your entire life more than almost anything else. Why not do everything you can to make yours as strong and healthy as possible? You've got nothing to lose by trying. By not trying, you may be choosing to lose your life, your health, your money and some great sex.
Saturday 2 May 2009
Love's Time
We have created a subjective reality in our culture where many of us experience life as a seamless blur of events and people, desperately trying to cram more work in our day, more information in our heads and more ''quality'' in our ever-shrinking time. We live in a world which invites us to participate in ''techno-time,'' where events are measured in millionths or even billionths of a second. On many days, we may have more electronic contacts with people than human ones. It may take us weeks or months to authentically connect with a dear friend or with ourselves. Many people now bring their laptop computers with them on vacation and then check their email every day, ''just so I don't have to go through 300 emails when I get home.'' People salivate at the thought of having wireless internet access on their cell phone, anywhere, anytime. Our amazing technological advances have given us incredible efficiency and instant access to more information than we can ever use. But sadly, technology has also left too many of us disconnected, speeded up, burned out and lifeless. This is what happens when we allow the tyranny of techno-time to rule our lives. How much time do you feel you have when you are immersed in techno-time mode? Unfortunately, time is a great metaphor for life: if you have no time, you have no life.
But there is another subjective experience of time that we can choose to tap into whenever we want. Love's time is not measured in megahertz or nanoseconds. It's not concerned with efficiency or speed. Love's time is neither fast nor slow, for it is out of time, time-less, right here, right now, this second as your eyes read these words. Love's time is measured in meaning, in connection, in authenticity and in love. Love's time asks not how many emails you answered today, but how many hearts did you touch? How many eyes did you actually look into? How often did you connect with and feel your own living experience in your body, the felt sense you carry around all the time, beneath the distractions?
Techno-time ruins relationships by relegating human needs to merely another item on a digitized to-do list that can be deleted with one click. Love's time nourishes the essence of relationships, knowing that our needs for love, intimacy and authentic connection can never be deleted from the human psyche. Techno-time prides itself on efficiency and on the number of things it can get done. Love's time knows that one moment of genuine connection is worth more than a thousand completed tasks. Techno-time tries to squeeze children and lovers into pre-programmed categories and gets angry when things do not go as neatly as planned. Love's time knows that the human heart has its own pace, its own reasons for unfolding and opening and that the process cannot be predicted, rushed, controlled or squeezed. Techno-time believes that faster is always better. Love's time knows that in matters of the heart, speed is irrelevant. Techno-time gets frustrated when having to wait more than a few seconds for a click to execute. Love's time is patient and treats humans as purposeful, living beings whose behavior does not fit into pre-conceived notions.
Look at your relationships, with yourself and others in your life. How many of them are running on love's time? Have you chosen to allow techno-time to impair the quality of your relationships? If so, here are some guidelines to get more love time into your lifetime. As an added bonus, by doing these things, you will invite those that you love to also increase the amount of love time in their lives as well.
Meditate: nothing is better for helping you get out of techno-time than meditation. Mindfulness meditation is particularly helpful for slowing down your mind and getting into synchronicity with your breath and body. If you need help in learning to meditate, some great books to get you started are A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield, Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn and A Gradual Awakening by Stephen Levine.
Prioritize Unstructured Relationship Time: give yourself at least one block of a time a week that is completely unstructured. Do the same when you plan to spend time with your children, your friends, and your lover. The compulsive need to plan and organize every moment is what stifles love's time, every time.
Plan Spontaneity: if you must plan activities, plan things that force you to get out of your head, connect with your body and be very mindful and aware of yourself and others in the present moment. For example, take an improvisational comedy class. Learn to kayak or sail or dance or sing or play a musical instrument. Participate, don't spectate. By responsibly choosing to bring more of love's time into your life and the life of those you love, you will avoid feeling victimized by the techno-time conspiracy all around you. You really do have the power to choose the subjective reality of time that you want to live in. Choose wisely.
But there is another subjective experience of time that we can choose to tap into whenever we want. Love's time is not measured in megahertz or nanoseconds. It's not concerned with efficiency or speed. Love's time is neither fast nor slow, for it is out of time, time-less, right here, right now, this second as your eyes read these words. Love's time is measured in meaning, in connection, in authenticity and in love. Love's time asks not how many emails you answered today, but how many hearts did you touch? How many eyes did you actually look into? How often did you connect with and feel your own living experience in your body, the felt sense you carry around all the time, beneath the distractions?
Techno-time ruins relationships by relegating human needs to merely another item on a digitized to-do list that can be deleted with one click. Love's time nourishes the essence of relationships, knowing that our needs for love, intimacy and authentic connection can never be deleted from the human psyche. Techno-time prides itself on efficiency and on the number of things it can get done. Love's time knows that one moment of genuine connection is worth more than a thousand completed tasks. Techno-time tries to squeeze children and lovers into pre-programmed categories and gets angry when things do not go as neatly as planned. Love's time knows that the human heart has its own pace, its own reasons for unfolding and opening and that the process cannot be predicted, rushed, controlled or squeezed. Techno-time believes that faster is always better. Love's time knows that in matters of the heart, speed is irrelevant. Techno-time gets frustrated when having to wait more than a few seconds for a click to execute. Love's time is patient and treats humans as purposeful, living beings whose behavior does not fit into pre-conceived notions.
Look at your relationships, with yourself and others in your life. How many of them are running on love's time? Have you chosen to allow techno-time to impair the quality of your relationships? If so, here are some guidelines to get more love time into your lifetime. As an added bonus, by doing these things, you will invite those that you love to also increase the amount of love time in their lives as well.
Meditate: nothing is better for helping you get out of techno-time than meditation. Mindfulness meditation is particularly helpful for slowing down your mind and getting into synchronicity with your breath and body. If you need help in learning to meditate, some great books to get you started are A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield, Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn and A Gradual Awakening by Stephen Levine.
Prioritize Unstructured Relationship Time: give yourself at least one block of a time a week that is completely unstructured. Do the same when you plan to spend time with your children, your friends, and your lover. The compulsive need to plan and organize every moment is what stifles love's time, every time.
Plan Spontaneity: if you must plan activities, plan things that force you to get out of your head, connect with your body and be very mindful and aware of yourself and others in the present moment. For example, take an improvisational comedy class. Learn to kayak or sail or dance or sing or play a musical instrument. Participate, don't spectate. By responsibly choosing to bring more of love's time into your life and the life of those you love, you will avoid feeling victimized by the techno-time conspiracy all around you. You really do have the power to choose the subjective reality of time that you want to live in. Choose wisely.
Keeping Your Romance Alive
In our work as a couples therapists, one of the most frequent questions we hear from couples is: How can we bring the romance back into our relationship? For many couples, their relationship has turned stale and empty, and feelings of tenderness and passion are replaced with resentment and/or boredom.
There are a number of factors which are responsible for this phenomenon in committed relationships. First of all, it is crucial to recognize any unresolved resentments that are present in the relationship. Resentment is the cancer that will eventually eat away at the tender and loving feelings in a relationship. It is impossible to feel resentful and loving at the same time. Secondly, couples often take each other for granted as time goes on, and make the relationship a low priority in their lives relative to jobs, children, hobbies and other activities. Thirdly, pleasurable and passionate activities which the couple used to engage in often drop out of the couple's repertoire over time.
These issues can be resolved, though putting changes into practice requires some effort and commitment:
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Resolve any past or present resentments! If you don't know how to do so, learn how now! There is no greater gift for yourself or your partner than learning how to resolve conflict and resentments. These are skills which any motivated couple can learn, if they are willing to put in the time and effort.
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Create special alone time for the relationship on a regular basis. This means time without children, without TV, without computers, without distractions of any kind. Many couples find having a "date night" once a week to be a fabulous addition to their relationship.
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Review the things you used to do when you first met. How many of them are you still doing? Bring those activities back into your relationship on a regular basis.
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Be willing to try new pleasurable activities, especially those that are physical in nature. Learn a new sport together. Buy a sex manual and try out some ideas you've always fantasized about (and some you've never thought of before). Take a dance class. Play on a league together with a sport you already both enjoy. Learn how to associate each other with arousal and excitement and you will find yourself looking forward to being together.
There is no reason why your relationship can't be exciting, romantic and passionate. Put these ideas into practice. Be open and receptive to trying new things. But if you find that you just can't do it by yourselves, get some help! Couples Therapy can help you break out of unfulfilling patterns you may be stuck in. In relationships as in health, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
There are a number of factors which are responsible for this phenomenon in committed relationships. First of all, it is crucial to recognize any unresolved resentments that are present in the relationship. Resentment is the cancer that will eventually eat away at the tender and loving feelings in a relationship. It is impossible to feel resentful and loving at the same time. Secondly, couples often take each other for granted as time goes on, and make the relationship a low priority in their lives relative to jobs, children, hobbies and other activities. Thirdly, pleasurable and passionate activities which the couple used to engage in often drop out of the couple's repertoire over time.
These issues can be resolved, though putting changes into practice requires some effort and commitment:
*
Resolve any past or present resentments! If you don't know how to do so, learn how now! There is no greater gift for yourself or your partner than learning how to resolve conflict and resentments. These are skills which any motivated couple can learn, if they are willing to put in the time and effort.
*
Create special alone time for the relationship on a regular basis. This means time without children, without TV, without computers, without distractions of any kind. Many couples find having a "date night" once a week to be a fabulous addition to their relationship.
*
Review the things you used to do when you first met. How many of them are you still doing? Bring those activities back into your relationship on a regular basis.
*
Be willing to try new pleasurable activities, especially those that are physical in nature. Learn a new sport together. Buy a sex manual and try out some ideas you've always fantasized about (and some you've never thought of before). Take a dance class. Play on a league together with a sport you already both enjoy. Learn how to associate each other with arousal and excitement and you will find yourself looking forward to being together.
There is no reason why your relationship can't be exciting, romantic and passionate. Put these ideas into practice. Be open and receptive to trying new things. But if you find that you just can't do it by yourselves, get some help! Couples Therapy can help you break out of unfulfilling patterns you may be stuck in. In relationships as in health, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
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