Does Living In A Loveless Marriage Necessarily Mean That You Should Get A Divorce

Being in a loveless marriage is a frustrating predicament, but it may not necessarily mean that a divorce is eminent. Solving the quandary of a loveless marriage requires self-reflection to assess the situation, courage to try to create a team effort for the best decision with your spouse, and gumption to face the reality that a divorce may be the best solution for the loveless marriage.

But, before you jump right to the easy way out and decide on divorce, you should got through the process of making sure that you have logically thought through long-term implications of ending the loveless marriage.

Being in a loveless marriage and deciding whether to get a divorce based on this one fact alone is a misuse of an opportunity. Its not like deciding whether to stay married due to an extramarital affair or other marriage problems like abuse or living in a sexless marriage, choosing the right divorce decision when it comes to a loveless marriage is a totally different situation.

The opportunity is great to grow personally that is present when you're deciding about divorce because of being in a loveless marriage. Let's take a look at some of the items that are relevant to this situation regarding a loveless marriage and how you can approach this
time in your life from a mature standpoint and come to the right choice while growing at the same time.

Loveless marriage item 1: Define love as you see it and assess whether or not your spouse agrees somewhat with you, at least in a complementary fashion.

For a loveless marriage to be assessed properly, making sure your idea or definition of love is "clear" is a solid way to make sure that you know what you've lost. And, if your spouses idea of what love is differs from yours so much that you both can't somewhat reap the
benefits of love, you may need counseling to get to the root issue of your loveless marriage.

Loveless marriage item 2: Make sure that you are in fact out of love before you go further with steps to divorce or try to work it out.

Ask yourself, "Am I really out of love or am I giving up?". Keeping love alive can take work and strong communication with yourself and spouse. List the reasons why you think you're out of love and decide if those reasons prohibit a rekindling of love, assuming you were actually in love at some point. Being in a loveless marriage doesn't necessarily mean that it has to stay that way!

Loveless marriage item 3: Decide if you were ever really in love as you define love.

Your loveless marriage could have always been loveless, you may have just been to distracted to notice. You may have received other benefits from being with your spouse in the past that you aren’t getting now and that could be why you're frustrated and living in a loveless marriage.

Of course, if you were in fact in love with your spouse at one time in the past, you both might not have done what needs to be done to keep love alive. Before you do anything about your loveless marriage, make sure you understand how your idea of love may have changed over time, and really contemplate if you were really ever in love.

Loveless marriage item 4: Assessing whether or not you need to be in love to stay married and if so, can your love be re-kindled?

This item regarding a loveless marriage is a crucial point in your decision making process. Some people stay married even when they are in a loveless marriage because the benefits they get from being married psychologically outweigh the need for love. These benefits could many things and could stem from lack of self confidence, money, fear of loneliness, etc.

If you're a person who needs love to stay married, make sure that you really think about how rejuvenate the love in your loveless marriage before you decide on divorce. If you're struggling regarding a decision about your loveless marriage, it means that it is worth fighting for.

If you really do soul searching and talk with your spouse openly about the lack of zest in your marriage in the hopes of making it better, you may find that your spouse feels the same way that you do!

Being a loveless marriage can be a drain on your day to day energy if you need love to stay happily married. If your marriage is worth it to you, be mature about the situation and do all you can to rekindle the love before you do anything else. If you do, you'll grow personally as
will your spouse regardless whether or not you get a divorce.

Karl Augustine

10 Things Women Should Know About Sex After Having a Baby By Laurel Barnet Platinum Quality Author

Your whole life changes after having a baby. You may be starting to wonder about how your marriage and sexual relationship will change once your are parents. Read on to discover ten things that you should know about sex after having a baby.

1. Waiting for Sex

How long do you have to wait to have sex after having a baby? Usually you can resume sex four to six weeks after delivery before having sex. Talk to your health-care provider about when it is safe for you to have sex again.

2. “I Haven’t Got Time for The Pain”

If you had an episiotomy, then you may have some discomfort when you first have sex. There are two things that can help: water-soluble lubricant and position yourself on top and your partner on the bottom. If you are on top it is easier to move into a more comfortable position if your partner touches a sensitive area.

3. Another Pregnancy?

You can get pregnancy fairly soon after delivery, even if you are breastfeeding. I have had patients get pregnant in less than six weeks. If you do not want to get pregnant immediately, then use birth control.

4. Your Post-Baby Body

Your body is no longer the same after having a baby. Some of the changes you can work on through exercise and diet. Other changes are permanent.

You may feel self-conscious about your post-baby body. On the other hand, your husband still thinks you are sexy and enjoys seeing your body.

5. Are You Listening?

You may find it hard to stay focused on sex when you are listening for the baby. This may get easier as the baby gets older and does not wake up as often.

6. The Baby is Wet But You Are Not

Breastfeeding can cause vaginal dryness and pain with sex. Use a water-soluble lubricant or talk to your health-care provider about using vaginal estrogen.

7. You Might Prefer Sleep Over Sex

Fatigue is one of the most common causes of low sex drive in women. New moms are usually sleep deprived and exhausted. It is not uncommon for your sex drive to diminish.

8. Super-Mom and Super-Sex Goddess?

A lot of women have trouble going from being mom to lover within a few minutes. Take some time to unwind before sex to help you change roles.

9. There is a Baby in Your Room

You may feel uncomfortable having sex if your newborn is in a bassinet in your room. A young baby will not be aware of what you are doing. If you are having trouble relaxing try having sex in a different room.

10. The Sex Exercise

The vagina gets stretched out during pregnancy and childbirth. Kegel exercises can help tighten and strengthen the pelvic muscles.

Having a new baby is an exciting time filled with wonder and awe. It is easy to get so caught up with the baby that you neglect your marriage relationship. The most important gift you can give your baby is a stable family and that includes a strong marriage. Sex is just one part of having a strong marriage.

If you are ready for more information about how to keep your marriage strong, the visit our website at [http://www.BuildingYourDreamMarriage.com].

I would like to invite you to discover how you can be "Daytime Parents and Nighttime Lovers" at [http://www.SexTipsForParents.com].

Sex is to marriage what hot is to soup. You can have one without the other, but it is not nearly as palatable. Good luck in building your dream marriage- Laurel Barnet

3 Marriage Relationships Tips To Keep Relationships and Marriage Love-Fille

Marriage relationships can be the most fulfilling life experience you will ever have -- or the worst! You are clearly wise enough to value your relationships and marriage, and to want to make them as special as can be. So what can you do to make your marriage relationships blissful and harmonious, loving, passionate and romantic? Here are 3 tips to keep the sparkle in your relationships and marriage....

1. Relationships as a work of art

What makes a painting valuable? Usually it's the rarity of the painting (there's only one), and the mastery of the artist. Your marriage relationships are just as rare. Nobody can duplicate exactly your marriage or love relationship. It's unique. And that makes it special. If you add to that the attention and care that you choose to give your partnership, you can see how valuable it really is. Start to appreciate your relationships and marriage more. Reframe the way you look at it. Take time to enjoy it. Luxuriate in what is wonderful about it and be sure to express lots of appreciation to your partner for every little thing. And appreciate yourself too -- you created this -- and you will make it even better!

2. Marriage as a pathway to self development

Marriage knocks the sharp edges off you and rounds you out as an individual. In the best marriage relationships, both partners strive hard to keep on improving and growing. That way they remain attractive and interesting to one another. Don't settle into a relationship. Life is an adventure in growth and development. Always strive to improve. Look for ways to be more loving. Exercise your creativity to surprise and delight your partner -- we all want to have fun, especially us gals!

3. Marriage relationships as a focus for love

When you and I eventually leave this mortal coil, it will be the relationships we formed and the love that we gave and received that will be most meaningful for us. Make LOVE your focus in life and your life will be so very rich. Let your marriage relationships be your major life project, your purpose if you will. Learn to give more and to put more love into your relationships and marriage. See just how far you can go and keep pushing back the borders of your love. What a truly wonderful life you will create. As you focus love in on your primary love relationship, and it flourishes under your touch, you will soon find yourself pouring love into all your relationships with family, friends and the world. Such actions make this world a better place.

Thinking About Remarriage (Watch Your S-T-E-P!)

"I don’t see why I should have to change anything! After all, he’s moving into our house." This statement came from the same daughter who had joyfully helped me select the pale pink satin for the wedding dress I’d be wearing in a few weeks. With words and attitude, I felt like she’d thrown down the gauntlet.

When I mentioned her comments to my soon-to-be husband who had never had children of his own, he said, "That’s okay. I’ve been working with youth groups for the last 29 years. I’ve handled small groups, large groups, and one-to-one counseling sessions and studies. Surely one teenager shouldn’t be that big of a problem." Was he in for a surprise!

Although my daughter willingly participated in the wedding and other festivities, that afternoon was the beginning of a difficult transition. I had followed the wisdom that said that once your children were out of the house you are safe to remarry with few complications. Although my daughter still lived with me, she was beginning her senior year of high school. I thought it was close enough.

Her brother, who was two and a half years older, had been away at college and didn’t seem to care one way or the other. Little did I expect that within two months of my wedding, he too would be back home. My husband and I simply underestimated the enormous challenges that would face us for the next several years.

My husband and I often joked about what we had become: a "blended family." But we had been married only a short time when I felt as if we had been thrown, not into a nice little milk shake blender, but into one of those grinder-slicer-dicer-chopper things.

As a school teacher and mental health counselor, I thought I understood how children of single-parent families felt about their lives and the issues that surrounded divorce and remarriage. I knew it would be hard as we tried to adjust to a new family identity. I wish it had been only as simple as knowing it would be hard.

We have now come through most of the trials, but it has been a seven year struggle for my children, my husband, me—and our marriage.

Many single parents assume that the difficulties they face in parenting and their personal lives would be easier if they remarried. This fallacy is accepted by many churches, and the pressure on single parents to remarry increases.

The problem with this philosophy is that it fails to consider the needs of children of divorce. With very few exceptions, the children hold on to the fantasy that Mom and Dad will reunite, and the fantasy doesn’t vanish with the remarriage of either or both parents. The children’s goal remains to get their parents back together and that makes blending tough.

Does that mean that single parents can never remarry happily? It is possible with preparation, patience and prayer. I will use the letters S-T-E-P to help you understand how you might proceed.

SLOOWWW down. Do not rush your children into to trying to like someone. A person you’re dating should not even be introduced to your children unless you are sure he or she is a "keeper." Your children won’t understand the concept of "we’re just friends," so they will see every date as a potential replacement for Mom or Dad.

TALK to someone. Talk to a professional Christian counselor, your clergyman or a wise Christian friend. Although Solomon was not writing about stepfamilies in Proverbs 19:20, his advice is still applicable: "Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise."

EXPECT difficulties. Understand that your children have the fantasy of reuniting their original family. They have to grieve their losses. Surprisingly, older children need even more time to grieve than younger children. Remember that they must grieve the loss of a dream—which is often harder than grieving loss by death.

Just as it takes time to heal, it also takes time to build and rebuild relationships. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, "He [God] has made everything beautiful in its time." Although you’d expect that most readjustments would need to be made by the stepparent, the biological parent has adjustments of his or her own, including issues of authority within the new household as well as communication challenges with the other parent.

PROCEED with caution. Although it is not impossible to have a happy and satisfying stepfamily, know that, should you make that decision, there will be some arduous days ahead. Proceed with caution and prayer. Keep in mind Paul’s admonition in Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God."

Is Remarriage A Step in the Right Direction

"We're in love and we're ready to get married," they said. "Terrific," I responded. "Are your children ready for you to get married?" It was the first session of pre-remarital counseling and already Angie and Mike were caught off guard. "What do you mean?" Angie asked. "I'm sure our kids will have some adjustments to make, but that shouldn't take long. Besides, my kids are really enjoying Mike at this point-what's to be concerned about?" I could tell already that this couple was like most, they grossly underestimated the transition that remarriage has on the single-parent home. We had a lot of work to do.

Shelly's opening question was much different from Angie and Mike's. It had been five years since her divorce and she had made a concerted effort to work toward healing and create a stable home for her kids. As a result her home and children were functioning pretty well, despite some financial pressures. She met John about six months prior to our meeting and according to her it started out well. "I finally met a friend I could trust and confide in, not to mention someone who made me feel cared for. I had been craving that for some time. But now things are starting to progress and I'm afraid to remarry-not because I'm afraid to commit again-but because I know stepfamily life is very difficult and I don't want my children to suffer any more. What should I do?" Shelly was keenly aware that most stepfamilies end in divorce and she didn't want to become another statistic or put her children through more heartache. She needed some answers.

As I conduct stepfamily seminars around the country, the two most consistent questions I hear from single-parents are: 1) "Should I remarry?" and 2) "When we get married, how do we help our kids and family to succeed?" I never tell couples whether they should remarry, but I do admonish them to step away from their remarriage fantasies and consider the realities of stepfamily life. In order to make a step in the right direction for you and your children, you first must understand the challenges of stepfamily living and then make an informed choice about remarriage.

Stepfamily Challenges
Stepfamilies, sometimes called blended families, are unique in many ways. Unfortunately, the "Brady Bunch" disguised most of those differences and gave America an artificial security about stepfamily life. If you watched that show you probably assume stepfamilies are just like biological families. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here are just a few factors for single-parents to consider before stepping into a stepfamily.

1. Don't begin the journey unless you've done your homework, counted the cost, and are willing to persevere until you reach the 'Promised Land'. When the Israelites realized they were trapped between Pharaoh's army and the Red Sea, they cried out in fear and anger to Moses wishing they had stayed in Egypt. Nearly every stepfamily, shortly after remarriage, experiences a painful pinch between the losses and hurts of their past and the sea of opposition that stands in their future. Children are often heard crying, "Mom, why did you marry this guy? We were so much better off when it was just us." Truly, the journey to the Promised Land for most is not an easy one. But if you trust God and persevere, He will lead you through to better days.

2. Make sure you're not still haunted by the ghost of marriage past. Emotional and spiritual healing from divorce or the death of a spouse takes time; in fact, the average person requires three to five years before they can be discerning about a new relationship. Don't let the rebound-bug bite you where it hurts. After his wife died of cancer Gary found himself lonely and feeling inadequate to care for his daughter. "I guess I needed a partner and I wanted a mother for my child," he said. This emptiness lead him to rush into a new marriage that ended after just one year. Remember, time is your best friend so slow down the dating process.

3. Realize that a parent's relationship with their children will be an intimacy barrier to the new marriage. As I'm writing this article a stepmother came to see me hoping I could help diminish the jealousy she feels toward her stepson. Five years into the marriage and she still plays second fiddle. Yet the solution is not as simple as telling the biological parent "just put your spouse first." Biological parents can't just switch their loyalties; it feels like they're betraying their children. "After all," said one mother, "my kids have suffered enough and I don't want them to lose me, too." Despite this struggle, the couple must learn to nurture their relationship and not get lost in the stepfamily shuffle.

4. Understand that cooking a stepfamily takes time. Every stepfamily has an assumed blending style (whether they know it or not) that drives how they treat one another. For example, a food processor mentality results in parents demanding that stepchildren call their stepparent "dad" or "mom" right away. In effect, the noncustodial biological parent gets chopped up in the process. A pressure cooker mentality is used when new family members are forced into spending time together. Usually the lid blows off the pot. And finally, the blender mentality assumes that everyone will love everyone else to the same degree. Not only does this set people up for conflict it usually results in someone being creamed.

Instead, develop a crock-pot mentality that allows for time (the average stepfamily requires seven years to combine) and low heat to bring the various members of the family into relationship. For example, instead of forcing the family together, Brad and Julie spent Saturday afternoons each with their own children. Only after nearly two years did they begin to combine leisure activities. This low heat approach didn't threaten the children's relationship with their parents and made space for new relationships to develop.

5. Accept the fact that remarriage is a gain for the adults and a loss for the kids. What they really want is for mom and dad to reunite, so for them the remarriage is a loss. When you add that to the list of hundreds of other losses they've already experienced you can see why children have mixed feelings about the new family. Furthermore, loss always brings the fear of more loss. When persons start protecting themselves from more loss, walls are built. "I'm afraid my kids and new husband will turn against each other. It would be just another failure," said one mom. Her teenage son echoed her fear, "I'm afraid of getting close to anyone. With all I've had to live through I keep waiting for it to happen all over again."

6. Dating is important but true stepfamily relationships start with the wedding. Children are sometimes tolerant, even encouraging of their parent's new romance, but they frequently change their tune when real stepfamily life begins. Mike called me the day after he and Carrie married. After dating for two years, they spent three months in pre-remarital counseling with me trying to work through issues from the past and anticipating the needs of her children. Even though much had been accomplished, on the day of the wedding, Carrie's 16 and 19-year-old daughters began badgering their mother. They had appeared supportive of her decision, but now that Mike was really moving in, they berated Carrie over her decision to divorce their father and remarry. Carrie spent her wedding night in tears.

7. Discuss and develop a plan for your parenting roles. For the first couple years after remarriage it's generally best for the biological parent to remain the main source of nurturance, affection, and discipline. The stepparents role may evolve from a "babysitter" role (where they borrow power from the biological parent and enforce "their" rules), to an "uncle or aunt" (where the children consider the stepparent extended family, but not a parent), to a "parental role model" with a considerable measure of authority. This gradual progression gives the stepparent and stepchildren time and space to develop a relationship before power battles come into play.

8. Develop a working relationship with your ex-spouse. Susie thought her negative relationship with her ex-husband could never change. She learned, however, that seeking to forgive him and avoiding pushing his hot buttons helped to diminish their negative interaction. Gradually their co-parenting relationship improved and their children became more cooperative in each household. This in turn opened the door for Susie's new husband to interact with her kids and gradually build a relationship.

9. Loyalties, left unattended, will divide and conquer a stepfamily. Allow children to love both biological parents and don't force a relationship with the stepparent(s). Let children set the pace for their new steprelationships and don't worry if they aren't "warming up" as quickly as you'd like. Dave worked very hard to win the heart of his 12 year old stepdaughter. But after only four months he gave up because she didn't seem to be returning any of the effort. With a crock-pot mentality Dave would have understood that relationship building takes years, not months.

10. Consider the potential for sexual pressures within the home. The incidence of stepfamily incest is eight times greater than in biological families. Stepsiblings in particular are often confronted with sexual thoughts that lead to shame or inappropriate behavior. Darrell and his wife of 10 years approached me at a recent seminar after her thirteen-year-old son admitted to sneaking into his fourteen-year-old stepsister's room to fondle her. They had been living in the same house for ten years, yet the lack of blood relations left the door open for abuse. Sexual indiscretions in stepfamilies are real and must be guarded against.


Making the Decision to Step Forward
Because stepfamily life presents these and other challenges, it's important to invest in pre-remarital counseling. Be sure to find a Christian therapist or minister who understands stepfamily peculiarities. Unfortunately, this can be very difficult as clergy are just now beginning to wake-up to the needs of stepfamilies, and most counselors don't have much stepfamily training either. If a qualified counselor is not available in your area, purchase a book or attend a seminar for stepfamilies. Make sure you look in every direction before you leap, otherwise you might spend a lot of time wandering around the wilderness.

Stepfamily life is not impossible. Indeed there is a 'Promised Land' of marital fulfillment, family stability, and shared spirituality. But for most stepfamilies finding these rewards requires intentional effort and a keen understanding of how stepfamilies work best. Making the decision to begin the long journey from Egypt to Canaan needs to be an informed one.

After a lot of exploration, Angie and Mike decided that remarriage was workable for their two families. And they were willing to accept the risks. Four years into the marriage the couple reports managing their initial adjustments fairly well. Recently, however, Mike's 15 year old son unexpectedly decided to come live with them. New challenges are now confronting them, but they are seeking help from a local support group.

Shelly has decided to focus her energies on her children. She explained to her boyfriend that she'd like to continue seeing him on a casual basis and hopes that some day they can take the relationship further. But for now, not complicating her single-parent family with a remarriage seems best. His willingness to wait remains to be seen.

Polygamy and Other African Tribal Customs

Polygamy is a main feature of African tribal customs…

Christianity and Western values are influencing the African society for monogamous relationships. However, Islamic permission for polygamy has strengthened the African tribal customs in this regard. The statistics show that 36% women in rural areas and 24% women in urban areas have to accept polygamous marriages.

Most of the women prefer monogamous marriages to acquire importance with their husbands and to avoid pressures and jealousies of the previous wives. However, it is wrong to say that Islam has caused polygamy in Africa. The ancient African tribal customs prove that polygamy had been prevailing in the African countries for centuries.



Some claim that polygamy in Africa is result of marriage in teenage. Some point out that polygamy is result of age-gaps between husband and first wife. Some others even claim that African women accept polygamous marriages to get protection of the wealthy and influential married people.

In eight out of our eleven countries, the proneness to marriage in early ages is in varying degree. Incidentally the uneducated women not only prefer to marry early but also involve in polygamous relations. On the other hand the girls in schools prefer to delay their marriage for a significant time. The educated women also reject polygamous marriages and prefer to be single wives of their husbands. They don’t like to become junior wives to the less educated or previous wives.

Analysis show that the African women getting education have to face a short marriage market for a compatible husband. Some allege that such situations the women prefer prohibited relationships with older husbands of worth, hoping that their roles as "outside wives" will help them advance into superior social echelons.

Other African Tribal Customs
A traditional African wedding is a complex pack of divergent customs, rituals and events. The influence of Islam, Christianity and Western values is imminent. However, African public prefers to follow their centuries old African tribal customs with a lot of honor and pride.
A marriage in Africa is not union of two persons but of two families. And majority of African marriages are arranged. The role of families of the marriage partners is very important. The general public considers arranged marriages as a symbol of honor and prestige. That’s why every notable family and their children prefer arranged marriages even when their children develop some kind of affair before marriage. The children of a married couple are considered belonging to the families and their parents in equal terms.

On the other hand the poor families allow love marriages. The young people have to decide their life partners independently. Though they may have consent of their parents but still they are not forced to enter an arranged marriage against their wills.

In African tribal customs, the girls are supposed to avoid sexual interaction before marriages. They protect their virginity as a symbol of their honor and respect. Most of the women in African believe that they should follow a specific order of love, marriage and child birth.

In today’s Lamu communities the brides are mandated to be virgin before wedlock. They recognize it as a chapter of honor and respect. They want their women adjusted to safeguard their families and support a good esteem.

Under Western vehemence some people may accept pre-marital sexual relations as a part of marriage process. Some may argue that it is a way to determine sexual compatibility between the partners and to examine their fertility. However, there are certain scientific and psychological methods to determine the both sides without having sexual relation.

In African tribal customs the age of the marriage partners has never been an issue. However, under the influence of Islam and Western values, the modern states of African have preferred to fix a minimum age level for marriage. The marriage age level is low in uneducated girls while it is increasing fast in the educated girls. In Muslim and Protestant families the women prefer to marry from 19 years to 29 years of their ages.



In African tribal customs, the bride is shows to the whole tribe. It is a symbolic consent of the bride to enter in the world of women. She is going to be no more a girl but a woman who can share her private talks to other married women.

A special ceremony is organized. The public welcomes the bride with clapping and cheerful sounds. She is admitted as a star of night. The brides are expected to wear traditional marriage dresses. However, if families allow the bride may go for western styled marriage dresses.

Ten Tips for having a Smart Marriage

1. Marriage matters. Married people & their kids do better on all measures of health, wealth, happiness, & success. And, married folks report having more & better sex than single or divorced people.

2. It's not the differences but how we handle them that separate successful marriages from the failures. Disagreeing doesn’t predict divorce. Stonewalling, avoidance, contempt, criticism, and the silent treatment predict divorce. Learn how to disagree in ways that help you fall more in love.

3. All happily married couples have approximately ten irreconcilable differences - ten issues they will never resolve. If we switch partners, we just get ten new issues that are likely to be even more annoying and complicated. Sadly, if there are children from an earlier marriage or relationship, disagreements about them go to the top of the list. What's important is to discuss our own set of issues just as we would discuss how to manage living with a chronic bad back or trick knee. We wish they weren't there, but what’s important is to keep talking about how to manage them and still do the marriage “dance”.

4. Love is not an absolute (a yes or no situation) and it’s not limited substance. It's a feeling and feelings ebb and flow depending on how we treat each other. We can learn new ways to interact and the feelings “of being in love” can come flowing back, often stronger than before.

5. Marital satisfaction often dips with the birth of a baby. That's normal. Marital satisfaction is at its lowest when there are kids in the house between 11 and 16. That's normal. We need to know what to expect, appreciate our parenting partner – and hang in. It makes good sense to stay married for the sake of the kids - and for our own sake. Even with the challenges, it’s a lot easier to be a parenting team than to be a single, divorced, or remarried parent. Plus there is a silver lining: satisfaction goes back up with the empty nest. The final stage of marriage – with a job well done – is the real honeymoon period.

6. Sex ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. That's normal. Plan for & make time for more “flows”.

7. Creating good marital sex is not about putting the sizzle BACK INTO your sex life. Early marital sex is sex between strangers – we don't yet know our partner or ourselves. The most passionate sex is intimate sex based on knowing our partner and letting them know us. One of the most important tasks of marriage is to develop a satisfying marital sex style. It's not about going BACK; it's about going FORWARD, together.

8. Repair attempts are crucial and are highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic, but the willingness to make up after an argument, is central to every happy marriage.

9. Learn to welcome, embrace and integrate change – to discuss and update your wishes, hopes & dreams – on a regular basis. We often “interview” each other before marriage and then think "that's it." The marriage vow is a promise to stay married, not to stay the same. (Thank goodness!) Keep up-to-date with changes in your partner. Don’t fear changes, celebrate them!

10. Try several different marriage education courses. Become informed consumers – rate the courses, discuss what you liked best – which ideas were most helpful. Decide which courses to recommend to your kids, friends and family – which to give as wedding, anniversary and new baby gifts. The courses don't tell you what kind of marriage to have. That's up to you. They give you the tools – the hammers, screwdrivers, and levels – so you can build the kind of marriage that suits you, one which can help you to negotiate, and renegotiate, your own values, meaning, and goals.

Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce

Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying to do all you can to make your marriage work. Depending on how your marriage was prior to thinking that you had a marriage problem, you could be in for a hurtful time if you don't take a step back and look at your marriage problem from a "helicopter" viewpoint. To do that, you're going to need to try to limit your emotional stake in the situation which admittedly is a difficult thing to do.

The first step in getting over a marriage problem is to remember that you aren't alone, lots of couples have marriage problems that stem from all kinds of different types of behavior.

Here's a partial list of marriage problems that you may or may not be experiencing:

Marriage problem #1:

Lack of sexual intimacy - a serious issue that you must work through in my opinion if your going to work it out.

Marriage problem #2:

Exploding during an argument, getting too emotional and letting your temper get the best of you - you need to learn to work together and you can't do that if one of you is getting too heated.

Marriage problem #3:

Being selfish - eventually this will catch up to you. You should always think of your partner when you think of yourself.

Marriage problem #4:

Being dishonest - another serious issue. If you cannot be 100% honest and open with your mate, you're marriage is most likely doomed or at the very least unhappy.

Marriage problem #5:

Teasing too much - generally the husband does this but it could go either way. If there's a little bit of truth to the teasing or there's a greater marriage problem that incites the teasing, you could be in for a long road to recovery together. Chances are that you'll have a lot more work to do to correct this marriage problem.

Marriage problem #6:

Not respecting your spouse - this marriage problem can result in all types of other problems. If you are experiencing this you must get to the root of this and figure out why the disrespect is present. If you aren't getting the every day respect that you deserve, make it a priority to not let this go on another day.

Marriage problem #7:

Not being attentive to your spouse or not listening to your spouse - men are usually guilty of this marriage problem but is isn't exclusive to the weaker gender by any means. Really listening doesn't mean obeying, it means understanding what's important to your spouse and acting accordingly.

Obviously there are many other things that could be labeled a "marriage problem", you have to decide what those are as they pertain to your situation.

So, how do you figure out if a marriage problem or problems are severe enough to warrant a divorce?

You should first examine what your marriage problem actually is and decide if it is exclusively a problem for you or if it is something that you both consider to be a marriage problem. If you are the only one who sees the said action as a marriage problem, you have to decide whether or not that specific marriage problem is being caused by you or whether it is truly a problem brought on by your spouse. If the marriage problem is unique to you, seek some help from a counselor and do yourself the courtesy of trying to correct the problem before you believe that you need to run right out and get a divorce. You'll be a better person for it because you will have fixed something within yourself.

However, if you truly believe that the marriage problem is caused and prolonged by your spouse, sit down with yourself first and examine what you believe to be the root cause of the behavior that creates the marriage problem. Make sure that you are being logical when you identify the behavior that you feel is causing the marriage problem and try to recall if the traits or behavior that you've identified in your spouse are 'fixable' in your mind...assuming of course, that your spouse will agree that you are right.

Next, approach your spouse with the information that you've reflected on and try to talk through the cause of the marriage problem. Hopefully your spouse will be open to constructive discussion regarding the marriage problem so you can work through it together. If you cannot do work on the marriage problem together, seek the help of a mediator or marriage counselor so you can actually talk out the marriage problem logically. If you cannot work it out after counseling, other divorce advice, deep self-reflection and discussions, you should be able to decide whether or not the marriage problem warrants a divorce or not.

Of course, no one can decide this but you.

Karl Augustine

What to do when your teenager will not accept your advice.

have recently been working with a lot of parent clients who appear to have a theme going on with their teenagers and that theme is letting go, so I thought I would write a bit about that.

These clients are successful women who absolutely want the best for their children, as long as it fits in with their idea of what is best. When it comes to their child making a decision which is not what they expected, they find it very difficult to let their child be with this decision. In some instances they use very underhand strategies to have their child not make this decision. A lot of the time they e-mail me, telling me what they are about to do, asking if it is the right thing to do. I always say that it depends upon the intention behind it. If the intention is to have them change their minds, then no; if the intention is to just give them information, then yes. Needleless to say, they realise very quickly that their intentions are not of the highest.

You see, parenting or being a leader to your child is all about your view, your intentions, your speech and your actions. When all of these are in line, authentic and for the higher good of yourself and your child, then you have hit gold. However to do this, the biggest thing you have do first is let go of your way being the right way. There are many ways to achieve the same result and just because you did it this way does not mean they have to.

So how do you let go? What do you do if your child will not listen to your advice?

Here are some tips for you out of my book

1. They are not you!

Check in with yourself, makes sure that you are not trying to live the life you did not have through your teenager. Your teenager is not you, they are their own person and that is how you need to treat them. You are not raising a teenager to lead the life you want them to or do the job/profession that you think is acceptable. You are raising a unique individual. Let them be that. Make a list now of all the things you want for your teenager, the job you would want them to have, the life you would want them to lead and then throw it away. Ask yourself a better question. "How do I want my child to feel while they are living their life?" You will realise that really, you just want them to be happy and who knows how to make them happier than themselves!

2. Get over the story!

Get over the story you are telling yourselves because they do not listen to your advice. Yes, you will be telling yourself one. Every tiny mistake your teenager makes, you will be assuming the worst. Confront this story head on, that way it has no power over you and you begin to make decisions based on the truth as it is now, rather than a number of made up situations in your head. When you feel yourself panicking and thinking of the worse possible outcomes, get a pen and paper and write down the story you are telling yourself. Read it again and again until you realise how ridiculous it is, then throw it away.

3. Manage yourself first

Bringing up a child, remember, is all about managing yourself first. Note to self -- all the worrying is all about you really, not your child. Look at your own feelings and worries about your child and ask what you can do to ease them. What support do you need, what systems do you need to put in place? Be honest with yourself; teenagers have a great habit of bringing up their parents "stuff", so look at yourself first and get down and dirty with what is up for you.

4. You are the same, but different.

Just because your teenager may be making what you think is the wrong decision, it does not mean that things will end up how you think they will. Make a list of all the ways that you and your teenager are the same and all the ways that you and your teenager are different. How might your teenager deal with the situation in a different way to you? What skills do they have that will help them in this situation? Have they dealt with similar situations before that have had a positive ending? What comfort can you gain by examining how they have dealt with situations in the past?

5. Open up to possibilities

Get storming. Brainstorm all the possible outcomes of the decisions they are making. We mostly panic when we think that there is only one choice or one way for something to end up. Open your mind to the other possibilities. Get a piece of paper and a pen now and think of at least 20 possible outcomes to the situation, now think of another 10. For extra brownies points, ask your teen how they think this situation will turn out.

6. Support

Now you can see this situation more clearly. Step yourself out of rescue mode -- yes, things may go wrong and that is OK - and into support mode. Start asking your teen what support they need, rather than trying to butt in and influence their decisions. Look at the five areas of support and ask yourself how you fare. Be brave and ask your teen how they think you fare. When your teen is making decisions, think of support questions that you can ask around the 5 areas.

Financial Emotional Physical Intellectual Spiritual

7. Allow your teen to talk

Spend time just listening and I mean really listening to your teenager; their hopes, their fears. Keep your lips shut and just listen. Make every day a learning opportunity where you will learn how great your teen is just by listening to them. Start with 5 minutes a day and keep upping, it heading for an ultimate of 30-60 minutes. And if there is no way they will speak with you for that long, don't worry, just listen intently in the time you have.

8. Let the greatness shine through.

Look at your teen with different eyes and see how great they are, believe that they can and will make the right decisions. Step back, get off their case and stop trying to influence them. Give them A+ in decision-making and know that they will shine if only you allow them. This is, after all, why they listen to their friends so much, because they believe in them.

Eternity Commitment: The 21st Century Alternative to Marriage: Never be Divorced!

The time is here for a new paradigm in lifelong relationships. During the 20th Century, it was clear that what has been the model and structure for lifetime monogamous relationships was NOT WORKING! I am referring to the dysfunctional relationship called “Marriage” as defined and shaped by state lawmakers. Relationships are not the problem; it is the financial structure of the institution of marriage as designed by lawmakers which is diminishing the desire for people to marry.

There has been an 1150% increase in cohabitation in the last 40 years. At the same time the divorce rate in America continues to climb and is one of the highest per capita in the world. Since the advent of marriage laws in the early 1900's, divorces have increased 500% on a per capita basis. All relationships have their challenges. Usually we view these challenges as personality and lifestyle differences. During marriage there is a continual need to work through personality and lifestyle differences while maintaining a healthy loving relationship. There is also a second challenge which most of us do not consider when entertaining the prospect of marriage. State and federal family law legislation has added another variable to the marriage dynamic -- that of joint money, joint liability for debts and joint ownership of assets. Why did lawmakers include joint ownership of accumulated assets, liability, debt and judgments into the institution of marriage? Does this enhance the relationship or increase the potential longevity? Does this criterion change the motivations for marriage? What about the effect on the motivations for divorce? Is current family law what our faith-based forefathers intended?

More than 15 million people in America are cohabiting and this number is increasing exponentially. For the first time in history, there are more unmarried households than married households. America is in the midst of a major societal revolution as it pertains to traditional relationships and lifelong intimate commitments. The blame rests in part with State family laws (marriage/divorce laws), State/Federal marriage tax penalties and Social Security entitlement penalties for the married. Other reasons for the high divorce rates are directly attributed to a major social shift in the commitment of marriage coupled with societal acceptance of multiple intimate relationships in a person’s lifetime.

Psychologists have claimed money and finances are the number one reason for dysfunctional marriages. What if money issues were not part of your loving lifelong relationship? The Eternity Commitment or “EC” is an alternative to marriage where you have a committed lifelong relationship; however do not have the issues of joint money and possessions.

Thousands of years ago, marriage was created and defined by the different religions as the lifelong bonding of loving heterosexual couples, thus creating a family unit recognized by God. Marriage was blessed by the clergy and vows shared and expressed publicly under the eyes of God at the appropriate ceremony. Marriage was a spiritual commitment where the man and woman became one “spiritually”, not financially. There was no government intervention or marriage law mandating that marriage was a financial partnership. It would have been superfluous because religion strongly discouraged divorce.

The traditional structure of marriage created thousands of years ago is more functional and self-sustaining than marriage as it is structured today. Modern society has imposed a myriad of challenges to any formal relationship including marriage itself. The inclusion of the state-mandated financial partnership with the institution of marriage has resulted in dysfunctional motives for all aspects and phases of the marriage relationship.

Most couples believe marriage is a single lifelong commitment. However, there are actually three commitments within the realm of marriage. The first is the personal commitment of love and companionship for life. This is the most important commitment for without this commitment no other commitment will survive. The second commitment is the spiritual or faith-based commitment. This is optional based on a person's faith. The third commitment is the marital law commitment. This is the commitment of a financial structure for your marital relationship. The structure of the marital law financial structure is synonymous with forming a 50/50 business partnership. Yes, you could just as easily duplicate the financial structure of marriage with the formation of a 50/50 business. With marriage, incomes are considered to be joint income, debt acquired by either person is joint or community debt, the couple forms one legal entity and the couple is one "taxed" entity according to the IRS. Just like a business partnership. I know of no couples who marry for the purpose of forming a business partnership. This is the basis of the dysfunctional relationship of present-day marriage.

Many 21st century couples do not want the state-mandated financial design of marriage nor do they want to ever experience the emotional trauma or financial repercussions of divorce. Therefore, they choose NOT to marry. Imagine having the freedom to design your own financial structure for your lifelong relationship rather than being forced into state-imposed rules. The Eternity Commitment gives you that option. You decide what is best for you during your relationship. AND… with an EC you never get divorced.

Most people don’t realize that when a marriage license is obtained you are opting for and agreeing to the state mandated financial structure of your lifelong relationship. A marriage license has nothing to do with your spiritual or personal commitment. In all 50 States, a marriage license is optional for your committed loving relationship. There are many benefits and reasons to opt for an Eternity commitment.

The Eternity Commitment is a relationship of love and companionship for life. It represents the traditional structure for the family which has endured for thousands of years. In the early 1900’s lawmakers enacted thousands of laws which re-characterized marriage to be a relationship of money, debt and possessions. When you analyze marriage laws, they are not about love, honor and cherish until death do you part. They are about joint ownership of property, debt, liabilities, businesses, retirement moneys, etc which in reality resembles a 50/50 business structure. People don’t marry to become business/financial partners; they do so to make a commitment to share love and companionship for life. So why complicate the intimate relationship with spending/saving habits of a partner when there is an alternative to keep the finances separate.

The Eternity Commitment is a lifelong commitment of an intimate relationship not involving marriage. The financial structure of the Eternity Commitment is self-defined between the consenting adults, thus bypassing and avoiding a state mandated financial structure for marriage. The financial structure of an Eternity Commitment is similar to that of a “joint venture” where individuals keep their financial and legal identities when sharing an intimate relationship of love and companionship. With an EC a checking account is established for the depository of funds to pay joint living expenses. In contrast, the financial structure of marriage is where the two parties become one financial, legal and taxed entity. Everything is joint ownership. The structure of marriage has within it inherent strife and conflict associated with spending and savings philosophies and ideologies. The meshing of money and possessions with the marriage is dysfunctional to the intimate relationship. In essence, the financial structure of marriage is contributory to the high divorce statistics.

In recent years, Common Law Marriage has been abolished in all 50 States (with a few caveats), so cohabiting with an intimate relationship will not automatically presume you are legally married. Today, you have a choice to marry or not to marry... or have an Eternity Commitment.

State marriage laws do not enforce the primary commitment of marriage, "until death do us part". Therefore, the institution of marriage in no way protects a marriage from failure. If one person desires a divorce, the courts will grant it. The process of divorce is in reality, the process of splitting the co-mingled assets and debts. In many cases, the person breaking the commitment of marriage will profit financially because they will receive enrichment from their ex-spouse for the investment they made in the marriage. Thus, state lawmakers have created immoral incentives for divorce.

With an Eternity Commitment all property, money, retirement, investments, assets, debts, etc. remain sole and separate unless the two involved agree to include them in the “joint venture” portion of their relationship. Therefore, if there is a separation of people, there is no need to separate money and possessions because these are already separate. This is in contrast to marriage where all assets, debts and liabilities are co-mingled or made apart of the “community” as mandated by marriage law. Therefore, the requirement to split assets is the premise for the divorce.

Because of the high probability and risk of divorce, people are increasingly becoming disenchanted with marriage. Rightfully so -- because if the love in a marriage ceases, all that remains is money and possessions. This is the origin of emotionally charged and expensive divorces. The person who has financially invested the most in the marriage has the most to lose in a divorce.

The pitfalls that lead people to forgo marriage are the beliefs that people:

1. Marry for money,

2. Stay married because of money issues,

3. Manipulate their spouses while married over money and possessions,

4. And last but not least, divorce for money (financial enrichment).

As mentioned earlier, there are numerous marriage tax penalties and Social Security Entitlement reductions for the married.

The Eternity Commitment returns the lifelong loving relationship to that of tradition -- to the structure created for marriage by various religions thousands of years ago, and before the introduction of marriage laws of the early 1900s. With an Eternity Commitment the spiritual and ceremonial aspects of marriage are preserved where the celebration of your commitment may be blessed by a spiritual leader and vows expressed in a ceremony similar to a wedding. There is also an Eternity ring to visually and personally express your commitment.

Many people have questioned the institution of marriage, and rightly so. What you get today with marriage is not what religions historically created for lifelong relationships. However, today most people marry based on the traditional structure and beliefs about marriage. They soon learn tradition is not present-day reality. Marriage laws have superseded the faith-based structure and commitment of marriage.

Financial losses from divorce can be enormous and devastating, especially for the wealthy. Paul McCartney is facing the prospect of paying $400 million dollars to Heather Mills for a failed short term marriage. This is outrageous! Similar divorces occur in America. With most areas of asset protection there are loss insurance and corporate structures to protect individuals. No insurance companies protect individuals from divorce losses. The Eternity Commitment has a financial structure to provide this protection.

The alternative form of a lifelong commitment termed the “Eternity Commitment” defines the structure to eliminate the financial implications and dysfunctional behaviors of marriage/divorce. It focuses on the original premise of a lifetime relationship to be one of love and commitment.

The desire for people to marry will continue to decline and marriage will continue to be in crisis in America as long as state family laws have incentives for divorce and self-serving and immoral spousal behavior. Divorce must stop penalizing the spouse who has invested the most in the marriage. In addition, the marriage penalty tax still remains in many aspects of federal and state tax law and must be eliminated for people to desire marriage. Social Security entitlements should not be reduced for retirees who marry.

In America we enjoy many freedoms. The freedom to design our own financial structure for our lifelong loving relationship is one such freedom. The book Eternity Commitment shows you how to do this and how to avoid the pitfalls inherent with the state-mandated financial structure of marriage. The Eternity Commitment is the relationship structure where you never get divorced! The book contains a FREE Eternity Commitment Companionship Agreement which is a $500 value if you hired an attorney to write this for you. This document outlines the understanding and provides a self-defined financial structure for your lifelong relationship.

True Marriage Healing by Angie Lewis

The source of "true marriage healing" lies within the spiritual aspects of who we are. How do I know this? Because I've been to marriage counseling, and I have read all the self-help marriage books, and because, I did all the things "they say" that are supposed to help you love who you married. But the reality of it is folks, there is no magic pill or potion you can take, and there is no person, besides you, that is going to heal your marriage as it is meant to be healed.

He said, she said scenarios don't work, and neither will finger pointing and blaming one another. We can brow beat our spouse until we are blue in the face, and we can continue to have affairs just because our marriage is on rocky times, and we can listen to strangers tell us how to save our marriage, but I'll tell you what, it will not make us better people inside, so what good is all that for our marriage?

What we want and need for marriage is to be the person God intended for us to be so we can have a better marriage. A man and a woman marriage relationship is the four legs that support the marriage, and what you believe for your marriage is the root of how good or bad the marriage actually will be.

If you want to be a healthier person spiritually, and even mentally, you need to enhance the spiritual side of who you are so you can grow into the loving individual God wants you to become, which is the whole and complete person you truly can be! We all have certain issues in our lives that hold us back from attaining the spiritualism that I am talking about. What is holding you back? That is the question?

In my book, Journey on the Roads Less Traveled, I reveal what held me back. It is my personal testimony of dealing with alcohol addiction and how it stunted my mental and spiritual growth process, and kept me from loving others and myself properly. I was up there on cloud nine most of the early years of my marriage. I eventually came down off that cloud and grew up.

It is MY firm belief that to heal marriage according to how marriage is to be divinely inspired and healed, we need to fix ourselves FIRST! I don't care what some of the self-help books say, I just know this to be true because I've been there! If our marriage isn't good, we need to seek out the resources from the source that is going to actually do something constructive for the marriage, right?

Man himself can set forth a standard for you to follow based on beliefs of society and they may all seem so good and right but if they do not come from God what use are they, really? Most man-made principles come from God but have been twisted to fit into the standards of society, which can sound good and right. This takes great discernment on your part. What is right and wrong? How can you tell? Don't let the world fool you; don't let people fool you into believing what your ears want to hear. Look for the fruit. If there isn't any, then what good is that?

"He who tends a fig tree will eat its fruit" Proverbs 27:18. And in the same concept, "He who tends "himself" will eat its fruits in marriage, and whatever else he embarks on in his life.

If you originate from God, why are you looking to a mere stranger to heal your marriage troubles? God has told us what he wants for us to do for our marriage, but no one is following these precepts, not even those who call themselves Christian's. If you are sinning against the marriage in any way, how can you really expect the standards of society to save you from yourself? Society isn't going to tell you that being unfaithful is wrong, just as it won't tell you what is good and right for your marriage.

Society created the things that are tempting to us and wrong for our marriage. Immoral behavior and imagery is shoved into our face every single day and everywhere! God desperately wants us to put on His shield of armor and He will protect us from the evils of the outside world. This is precisely why we need to fix our self FIRST before we can fix anything with marriage! We do this by letting God lead us not into temptation of society, but instead deliver us from all the evils of society!

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full body armor (figuratively speaking) of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." [Ephesians 6:10-13]

We ought not to stand proud in our sin, but rather put our head down low, and stand humbly before God ready to give our sin(s) to Him. Now, I certainly don't know everything there is to know about the mysteries of God, and, like many of you, I am learning something new about the world around me every single day. Not a day goes by that God doesn't somehow and in some way reveal to me something new to share with others.

I have dealt with personally many of the issues most marriages go through in a lifetime, and sometimes my marriage was a living nightmare. But I grew out and away from what was holding me back, and I managed to heal my marriage with the help of biblical principles. I didn't learn how to be happy and content with myself by going to a therapist or a marriage counselor. And I knew that I couldn't fix my marriage until I fixed myself first. I had to stop drinking, and start to be aware of who I was as a person and where I was in relation to being that person.

What is my purpose? Who am I? Well, I am a child of God. Well then, if I am a child of God, then my source for comfort, happiness and marriage healing lies then in the seed God planted in my heart, which needs only to sprout and grow. Will the seed planted in my heart grow if I go outside of God's boundaries for the answers to my failings, and marriage troubles? No! I need to water the seed by staying within the boundaries of who I am.

One day I decided I wanted to understand what having spirituality in my life was all about, and eventually, I accepted Jesus Christ into my life. His Spirit, the Holy Spirit is a part of my life now. This is not something anyone can just hand over to you. Spirituality is something that you go after and attain on your own and it takes time and spiritual effort. Your relationship with God (Jesus Christ) is unique and special and unlike anyone else's relationship with Him.

True Marriage Healing is not made in a week, or months, but is a gradual growth process that husband and wife make within himself or herself. No marriage will ever be restored until "each" spouse looks at what he can do to change himself. Once this is attained, then and only then, can the marriage begin to be transformed? The big change comes through when we know who we are and what our purpose is in life. When we feel like our life has purpose and meaning, then we can start applying that purpose into our lives.

Many couples when they feel like there is no value or importance attached to their life, that is when they may go outside the boundaries of Gods precepts and search for substance through the establishments of society. The main objective here is for couples to change the way they value themselves and marriage and to help the marriage to grow in positive ways.

Who are you? What is your purpose in life? The answers are where you begin your search for the true source of marriage healing.

~~~

Angie Lewis is the author of Journey on the Roads Less Traveled, a book about love, life and marriage. Angie has written a new book, Love The Man Your Married. In her book Angie shares and answers comments and questions from married couples about marriage related issues that affect couples today.

The book involves all areas in marriage that couples need to know and understand and apply for a successful marriage. This book is a most reliable resource for married couples, from infidelity issues to complete forgiveness. It is my hope that all couples find and begin to utilize the biblical truths for their marriage by reading and studying this book.

Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce

Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying to do all you can to make your marriage work. Depending on how your marriage was prior to thinking that you had a marriage problem, you could be in for a hurtful time if you don't take a step back and look at your marriage problem from a "helicopter" viewpoint. To do that, you're going to need to try to limit your emotional stake in the situation which admittedly is a difficult thing to do.

The first step in getting over a marriage problem is to remember that you aren't alone, lots of couples have marriage problems that stem from all kinds of different types of behavior.

Here's a partial list of marriage problems that you may or may not be experiencing:

Marriage problem #1:

Lack of sexual intimacy - a serious issue that you must work through in my opinion if your going to work it out.

Marriage problem #2:

Exploding during an argument, getting too emotional and letting your temper get the best of you - you need to learn to work together and you can't do that if one of you is getting too heated.

Marriage problem #3:

Being selfish - eventually this will catch up to you. You should always think of your partner when you think of yourself.

Marriage problem #4:

Being dishonest - another serious issue. If you cannot be 100% honest and open with your mate, you're marriage is most likely doomed or at the very least unhappy.

Marriage problem #5:

Teasing too much - generally the husband does this but it could go either way. If there's a little bit of truth to the teasing or there's a greater marriage problem that incites the teasing, you could be in for a long road to recovery together. Chances are that you'll have a lot more work to do to correct this marriage problem.

Marriage problem #6:

Not respecting your spouse - this marriage problem can result in all types of other problems. If you are experiencing this you must get to the root of this and figure out why the disrespect is present. If you aren't getting the every day respect that you deserve, make it a priority to not let this go on another day.

Marriage problem #7:

Not being attentive to your spouse or not listening to your spouse - men are usually guilty of this marriage problem but is isn't exclusive to the weaker gender by any means. Really listening doesn't mean obeying, it means understanding what's important to your spouse and acting accordingly.

Obviously there are many other things that could be labeled a "marriage problem", you have to decide what those are as they pertain to your situation.

So, how do you figure out if a marriage problem or problems are severe enough to warrant a divorce?

You should first examine what your marriage problem actually is and decide if it is exclusively a problem for you or if it is something that you both consider to be a marriage problem. If you are the only one who sees the said action as a marriage problem, you have to decide whether or not that specific marriage problem is being caused by you or whether it is truly a problem brought on by your spouse. If the marriage problem is unique to you, seek some help from a counselor and do yourself the courtesy of trying to correct the problem before you believe that you need to run right out and get a divorce. You'll be a better person for it because you will have fixed something within yourself.

However, if you truly believe that the marriage problem is caused and prolonged by your spouse, sit down with yourself first and examine what you believe to be the root cause of the behavior that creates the marriage problem. Make sure that you are being logical when you identify the behavior that you feel is causing the marriage problem and try to recall if the traits or behavior that you've identified in your spouse are 'fixable' in your mind...assuming of course, that your spouse will agree that you are right.

Next, approach your spouse with the information that you've reflected on and try to talk through the cause of the marriage problem. Hopefully your spouse will be open to constructive discussion regarding the marriage problem so you can work through it together. If you cannot do work on the marriage problem together, seek the help of a mediator or marriage counselor so you can actually talk out the marriage problem logically. If you cannot work it out after counseling, other divorce advice, deep self-reflection and discussions, you should be able to decide whether or not the marriage problem warrants a divorce or not.

Of course, no one can decide this but you.

Karl Augustine

"A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce"

An eBook recommended by marriage counselors and relationship coaches to their clients.

Karl Augustine

Save My Marriage Alone - Tips That Will Help You Save Your Marriage

How can I save my marriage alone? This is, unfortunately, a question asked by far too many people today. The first years of marriage are usually happy, and both partners are content. Then problems start, and conflicts begin. Usually, neither person truly wants to end their marriage. They just don't know how to save it.

You know that there are problems in your marriage. You have to really look at them, and find out why they happened. When only one person is trying to save a marriage, it is doing to be difficult. But it CAN be done!

You should try to bring back to 'spark' in your marriage. When couples start to have marital problems, usually the first thing that leaves the marriage is the spark. The romance. The togetherness. You should try to set time aside to spend quality time together, even if it's a small amount of time at first. Think about how wonderful your marriage was before, and this will give you the strength you need to continue to save your marriage.

Show your spouse that you really do still love them. Show them that you appreciate them, and how truly special they are to you.

In a healthy relationship, communication is a key factor. Try to initiate communication with your spouse. At first, it will probably not be easy, but it will get easier with time. When you finally get your spouse to talk, be sure to listen. Listen to their thoughts and feelings, and do your very best to understand.

Keeping a troubled marriage alive is difficult, to say the least. Time changes people, for better or worse. That's just a simple fact of life. But you must learn how to deal with these changes. When you do that, and are willing to put the effort into it, you will succeed in saving your marriage, even when you are doing it alone.

When you find yourself asking 'How can I possibly save my marriage alone?', please know that you CAN do it. Here's a little known secret that has helped thousands of people like yourself learn how to successfully save their marriage. Sabrina Werles

Is Your Marriage in Trouble Due to Husband's Depression? 3 Pieces of Advice For Wives

I think that anybody who's marriage is in trouble would like to see things worked out. There are so many problems, both financial and emotional, that come with divorce that surely isn't a good first choice.

Unfortunately, lots of strength, emotional and physical, is needed to fix things up. This is especially true if your husband suffers from depression. The emotional and physical stress is so great that a lot of women just give up and look to get out of it.

In this article I offer three pieces of advice for women who's marriage is in trouble because of the husband's depression. Read it and implement the ideas so you'll be able to lead a much happier life.

1. Do what you have done before. The best advice that I, or ANYONE else, can give someone who's marriage is in trouble is to remember what you have done in the past. Your husband's depression probably isn't something new. The severity might be new but probably he had bouts of "sadness" even before you concluded that your marriage is in trouble. And if you are still married then the depression did weaken.

Don't waste your time and energy to "reinvent the wheel". Firstly it is not worth the effort. Secondly, if it worked once, it will probably work again. Even if the situation has changed since the last time, you can use what you used in the past as a base and "tweak" it to make it appropriate for the present situation.

2. Take care of yourself. When your husband is depressed it surely takes a heavy toll on you. He might not help with the kids, can't hold a job down (so you have to support the family), offer you NO support, and constantly blame you for his situation and put you down.

You need all the strength that you can muster in order not to fall apart. Go to the gym. Go out to eat or go out to the movies with friends. Lock yourself in a room and read a book.

THIS IS NOT BEING SELFISH. I repeat, "THIS IS NOT BEING SELFISH." If your marriage is in trouble, it will take strength to save it. If you fall apart, then your children will suffer and well as your husband. Therefore take care of yourself.

3. Convince him to get help. This DOES NOT mean to just "drop the bomb" and bluntly tell him, "Dear, I think that you need help." This surely won't help! (as I'm sure you know.)

A simple, and very effective, formula to use is (1) only mention facts (no labels) (2) make clear what you are not hinting to, and (3) then to say what you want to say (as gently as you can say it, but enough to get your point across).

Meaning: You don't call him lazy, inconsiderate, or self centered. You only say what you saw. For instance, "I see that you haven't gotten up before 12:30 for the past month."

After that you say something to the effect of, "I'm not saying that you are lazy or that you don't care about the family."

Only after that can you say, "Therefore what do think can help you here?" If he says, "Nothing, it will work itself out. Just give it time and don't rush me", then you can suggest that you don't agree and that and suggest that he sees someone (or to do something else to overcome his depression).

Dealing with a depressed husband isn't easy. However, it also doesn't mean that you have to run to divorce that might be "jumping from the frying pan into the fire".

Begin with these 3 ideas and stay strong until you once again begin to have a happy marriage.

Shevach Pepper

Marriage Communication

As I fly around the country, the person sitting next to me on an airplane will often ask me what I do. When I tell the person that I direct the Marriage Enrichment Programs at Family Dynamics, he or she often asks me questions about marriage.

Eventually, the conversation turns to the role of communication in marriage. When it does, I’m often asked what I think are the vital aspects of good communication, and by implication, what makes for bad communication. When asked, I include five components of good communication.

Good communication in marriage is respectful.

In our Dynamic Marriage course, we discuss what Dr. Willard Harley calls “disrespectful judgments.” Sarcasm, ridicule, judgmental statements and accusations, and put downs fit into this category. Good communication avoids all such disrespect. This is another way of saying that good communication is qualitative. Just listen to couples talking to each other. Do you hear condescension or sarcastic responses to honest statements and questions? Do you hear one partner make fun of the other’s mispronunciations or poor grammar? Do you hear a spouse berating or criticizing the other’s choices or decisions? Do you hear one spouse trying to intimidate the other into submission? Do you observe eye-rolling in responses to honest thoughts from the other? Now, analyze the way you talk to your spouse? Is your communication respectful, or does it show grave disrespect?

Good communication in marriage is quantitative.

Most couples engage in meaningful conversation less than 15 minutes per week. Two-income families trying to enable the children to participate in every available recreational activity only makes a viable solution more difficult to discover. The problem is not insurmountable, however, as long as we take advantage of multi-tasking.

Good conversation can occur while participating in other activities. Talk while taking a walk, when working around the house together, while enduring a television commercial, when conducting family meetings, and while driving together to church, the grocery store, or a movie. Couples intent on quantitative as well as qualitative communication seize every possible moment to talk respectfully with one another.

Good communication in marriage is a two-way street.

While effective, respectful talking is essential in good communication, respectful listening is also vital. Bad communication begins with one spouse dominating the conversation, but the listener can also ensure bad communication. A lack of eye contact, negative facial gestures, or disengaged body language also stymies good communication.

Watch a couple at the airport or in the food court at a shopping mall talk to one another. Does one spouse dominate the conversation? Does he interrupt his spouse when she tries to get in a few words of self-defense or alternate viewpoint? Does the dominant voice refuse to really listen? If so, this conversation is not a two-way street and is doomed to be at best, poor communication.

Good communication in marriage probes for more insight.

No matter how well conceived and how well stated, most listeners fail to grasp the full meaning of the speaker, especially the subtle nuances. The only way to overcome the unnecessary miscues in conversation is to ask questions. To maintain good communication, however, the questions must be asked respectfully and courteously.

Responses like, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard; don’t you mean to say . . . ?” probe but are incredibly disrespectful. On the other hand, an introductory statement to a question like “Please forgive my inability to keep up with you, but I need to ask a question about what you just said” is both probing and respectful.

Good communication in marriage is honest.

Any spouse who learns that his spouse lied about something wonders from then on if the truth is on the table when any issue arises. Tragically, lying brings long-term consequences that most spouses fail to consider before twisting the truth. Honesty, however, is not merely avoiding falsehood. Honesty also means that we refuse to avoid sharing information that our spouse has the right to know and would want to know. Why would we avoid sharing such information? Usually, we either fear judgment from our spouse if we admit our failings, or we fear hurting our spouse’s feelings.

Good communication in marriage does not hide, distort, or evade the truth from the other. But honest communication doesn’t necessitate cruelty just for the sake of honesty. Respectful honesty is the key phrase.

By Terry Northcutt

Instant Marriage Councillor

My life had become an open book for most of my friends and I’m not ashamed of entrusting it to them. For me sharing life experiences would mean a lot to me, because it’s my expression of showing to a friend how much I trusted them. Thanks God, they are all very much willing to listen and proven to be fellows that can truly be trusted.

It’s not only me who spontaneously express life battles to a certain friend. Often times, my friends open up their miserable life experiences to me not only about family matters even matters of the heart.

Two years ago, I encountered quiet challenging and complicated situation because I became a mediator of such conflicting state between two of my close friends happen to be a couple. Although I wasn’t able to successfully reconcile them yet fulfilling because God knows I tried my best to reconcile them. Actually it is supposed to be a work done by a marriage councillor but during that time I acted as one, hearing every detail of their stories why they need to end up their marriage life. Sounds funny, because I’m not supposed to council them, I am not entitled to act such but I did for the sake of friendship aiming and hoping that they will soon be reconciled.

I was in Manila when my Seaman friend gives me a ring. He informed me of his immediate arrival and warned me not to tell his wife, for what reason, he did not tell me but instead invite me to meet him at the fast food chain situated along Boni MRT Station. After office hours, I rushed to the place he’d mentioned and meet him there.

He told me everything about what had happen between him and his wife. Third party was the main reason and he wanted to catch them and know the truth, the reason why he never allows me to inform his wife of his immediate arrival.

They are married with two kids both at young age. I become close to both of them because of our active involvement in our church and they are the first person I approached that I wanted to actively join the church choir during my college years.

On that same year, I was given the chance to go back home to our province. It was all souls day during that time when I decided to have a week long vacation. That was the time I heard his wife’s side of the story and in front of me she bravely admitted, for what reason, she never disclosed it to me but instead express her feelings towards his husband and the feelings she felt on his new found love. I’m just sitting in front of her, listening and never misjudge her vague decision. On the other hand, his husband seems to be so violent of what had happened. I felt the agony and revengeful feeling he had gone through. He even told me, if not for his two sons, he neither wanted to kill that someone who invaded their marriage nor ended his life to escape from the reality he was facing.

Despite the fact that both of them had a serious conflict with their relationship, I still manage to let both of them come on a dinner I initiated during my week long vacation. Together with the rest of my church friends we just simply ignore the issue and enjoy the fun.

I went back home to Manila bearing with me their stories and still hoping that sooner or later they will learn to forgive what they have done and patch up everything for the sake of their children. Their stories did not only teach me to realize how cruel life sometimes, it showed me hints of possibilities that such will happen if we or our better half will let it happen. But once done its over and the victim must need to accept and continue life’s unexpected struggle but not for the one who committed the crime, such will reap the consequences of what he had done.

Christian Living Love Marriage Relationship Through Sensuality

What many Christian couples don't understand is the potential they have for a Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality! It irks me to no end when I see a Christian couple simply going through the motions of life! I see them at church, I see them pick their children up from school, and I will see them at various Church gatherings and events. When i ask, "how is everything going?", I will sometimes get a response such as, "oh pretty good, you know me and Chuck are pretty busy and It's hard to create extra time for ourselves, but we do manage to make it to Church, so that's good." Ugh! I generally will find a window of opportunity to pull such couples aside and right off the bat say to them, "You know Chuck and Betty, it really sounds to me like you're missing out on a Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality!" This is enough of a shocker to get their attention, and I then will explain further to them some aspects to a Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality.

First I explain to them that there is no need to "create time" but rather to live the time which is available to them as if these are in fact the magic moments (which indeed they are). And when you take on that mentality you end up opening up windows for the so called "spare time", but in any event when you act sensual about everyday life as a Christian in a loving marriage relationship, then you create so much more meaning, direction and purpose. A Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality is also the ultimate display of appreciation to God. Living day to day and just "managing to make it to Church" certainly doesn't cut the mustard to the true Christianity practice of a fulfilling, sensuous, life, celebrating God, religion, and how one another fit into the wonderful mix.

Secondly I will stress the importance of intimacy towards one another and that in order to truly practice Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality they must be passionate, alive, and intimate towards one another more than the average person. They have a duty, I explain, to live up to the high pillars of Christian living and to do that requires nothing less than celebrating the bond between one another with Christianity serving as their base.

Thirdly, and to make sure they can take home and practice what I've been preaching, I recommend that they read specific Christian based manuals which they can use to ensure they begin their path towards a Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality both easily and effectively. These little techniques and tips can be applied every week so as to ensure the flow of sensual living is indeed a constant stream of a Christian living love marriage relationship through sensuality!

3 Foundation Stones To Building A Lasting Love Marriage Relationship

Building a strong love marriage relationship is an art. But there are 3 simple-to-remember relationship tips that can ease you both along the pathway to a lifetime of married love, passion and romance.

1. The commitment to love

In getting married, you agree to love one another through thick and thin. But most of us have been fooled into thinking that love is something that we experience and feel rather than something we do. Start to reframe your understanding of what love is. Love in marriage is a verb. You have to work at it. Your commitment is your promise to work at it, throughout your married life. The couples who both work at creating love throughout their married life, get to experience the rewards of an ongoing, blissful love marriage relationship.

2. Marriage is a self-improvement project

Marriage is the start line not the finish line. You thought you could give up and veg out once you've landed that big fish husband of yours? You think you can slob around now you've got a ring on that gorgeous girl's finger? Perish the thought! Carry with you the intention to do better today than you did yesterday. Improve upon the way you interact with your life partner. Keep things fresh. If you mess up, admit it, apologise and loosen up enough to try something new. Take advice from your partner. Be flexible enough to change, to grow and to become something bigger and better than you were before. Keep yourselves healthy and smart. Self-improvement is incredibly attractive and a sure way to keep the fires of passion blazing in your love marriage relationship.

3. The honest mind

Don't be one of those nitwits who think that valuing 'honesty' in a marriage gives them a license to be blunt and cruel. In love marriage relationships, honesty is a willingness to look at yourself and your actions and see where you might be being pig-headed. It means looking at your relationship with a clear head. Examining your soul to see how you can create a better life experience for both of you. It also means communicating clearly with one another. So many marriages founder because of simple misunderstandings. Develop the ability to look honestly at yourself, develop the responsibility to create positive changes, and be willing to reveal and communicate what you find with your partner. Such acts of intimacy forge powerful lasting bonds.

Follow in the footsteps of the joyful

Your love marriage relationship is unique. But you will experience similar challenges to every other married couple. Why not shortcut your learning curve and learn from those who are already living successful married lives? Michael Webb took the trouble to interview married couples who fell into the top 1% of those with happy, successful marriages and got them to reveal their strategies for long-lasting married love, romance and passion in The 50 Secrets to Blissful Relationships.

It's always so much easier to learn from experienced mentors who've already charted a course through the choppy waters of life. And if you want to guarantee your love marriage relationship grows from strength to strength, be sure to check out that resource. Meanwhile, use the relationship tips above to steer your marriage towards joy, passion and intimacy which will last a lifetime. I wish you great happiness and love in all your moments together.

Copyright Anne Amore