When Both of You Work: Insight for Dual-Worker Couples

They can be two of the most fulfilling aspects of life: work and family. And many women--especially in the last three decades--have chosen to pursue both.

Dual-worker couples are becoming the prominent lifestyle.1 Women are assuming significant roles in the workplace and, in many cases, are entering domains previously dominated by men. This has created a new set of challenges that husbands and wives must face together.

Experts use the term dual-worker to describe relationships in which both husband and wife are engaged in paid work which they view as important and to which they feel a strong sense of commitment. It is not restricted to individuals in professional positions, but includes couples who consider their work to be important to their sense of well-being regardless of their occupational status.

The Facts: What We Already Know

The movement of women back into the labour market has been called the most significant social phenomenon of the 20th century.2 Up until the 1960's, most women did not expect their careers to play a primary role in their lives.3 Employment was generally viewed as a secondary life role. After that time, however, women began to explore the possibility of combining family and career roles. History shows that the ‘70's marked a significant turning point in terms of the number of women interested in pursuing careers in the marketplace.

Women currently represent half the work force and 39 percent of the professional labour force.4 From 1975 to 1990, the number of self-employed women in Canada grew by 172 percent.5 The United States Public Census Bureau found that the number of women in executive, administrative and managerial occupations increased by 95 percent from 1980 to 1990.6 More women today are pursuing master's level training than men and it is predicted that by the year 2001, more women than men will be pursuing doctoral degrees.7 It would appear that women are looking for opportunities to express themselves in the workplace and want to use their education and experience to explore roles beyond the traditional scope of wife and mother.

How many dual-worker couples are there? Researchers tell us that they represent the largest segment of workers at all major corporations. Estimates show that these couples represent 60 to 70 percent of current employees and it is expected that this percentage will rise to 80 percent within the next decade.8

The dual-worker couple is here to stay. But there's a great deal we have to learn about what it means for couples who choose this lifestyle.

The Issues: What We Need To Understand

In a recent book entitled He Works She Works: Successful Strategies for Working Couples,9 Jaine and James Carter report the results of a survey which asked dual-worker couples to identify the advantages and disadvantages of their chosen lifestyle:

Advantages

Sharing a goal.
Couples having more in common.
Both professionally challenged.
Men having more choices.
Both men and women enjoying higher self-esteem.
Opportunity for women to be all they can be.
Children involved with real role models.
Children more self-reliant.
Greater opportunities (from a financial standpoint) for children.
Potential for more disposable income.
Opportunity to upgrade lifestyle.
Potential for retirement funds, children's education, and security.
More opportunity for cultural enrichment (through travel or other work experiences).
Greater depth and breadth of life experience.

Disadvantages

Risk of getting caught up in financial wants versus needs.
Too much to do.
Always rushed.
Constant child care worries.
Always feeling guilty.
Dealing with fatigue.
Coping with stress.
Running out of "cope" and being short with loved ones.
Never having time to sit down and read a book or relax or be alone.
Risk of getting caught up in careers at expense of partnership.
No time for just us.
Partnership losing spontaneity.
Less sex.
Society doesn't understand.
Working mothers still treated as if they are the "bad guys."
Children feeling they are an inconvenience.
Children obliged to do more to help the family.
Women feeling resentful because of unequal distribution of personal responsibilities.
More financial stress.
Fear of everything: losing job, not being available for children, divorce, bankruptcy.
The majority of concerns expressed by couples fall into one of three broad areas: work issues, family issues and personal issues.

Work-Related Challenges

It is rarely the case that careers develop in tandem. More often than not, one partner's career is taking off while the other's is in a temporary holding pattern. Just as quickly, market conditions can reverse the pattern. These imbalances can create tension since one partner is being required to put in extra time and energy to take advantage of significant career opportunities while the other is left to pick up the slack at home. Questions regarding whose needs are more important are raised and if not properly addressed, the perceived inequities can quickly turn into feelings of resentment. Couples who do not actively plan how they will work through the stresses of unparallel career paths are likely to experience significant relationship problems.

Family-Related Challenges

The division of household duties is major issue for most dual-worker couples. In approximately 80 percent of couples, women perform 70 to 80 percent of household chores.10 However, attempts to protect a traditional division of duties eventually creates an overload situation for women. At the same time, men who have been raised in traditional homes may struggle with a more equal distribution of household duties which could be seen as evidence of a lack of leadership in the home.

Given the time and energy devoted to working outside the home, a serious question facing dual-worker couples is whether or not to have children. It is enough of a challenge to spend quality time with each other. If a couple does decide to raise a family, timing may be critical. Starting a family at an early stage in one's career can have a negative impact and if the couple waits for too long, age can be an problem. Dual-worker couples who do not discuss their expectations of each other with regard to family and parenting issues run the risk of putting their relationship in jeopardy.

Personal Challenges

The personal and career challenges facing men and women are distinctly different. Women do not make decisions about work without considering the implications for their families. By contrast, men view work and family roles as independent. What this means is that women feel that choosing in favour of one role means choosing against the other while men do not experience a similar dilemma.11

Working women often struggle with feelings of guilt at having made the choice to work outside the home. They may receive little or no support from their families or from a society which labels them selfish. At the same time, the pressures to demonstrate their competence in a competitive workplace can challenge their sense of femininity. As the demands and expectations of' work, home and family pile up, working women may feel they are losing control of their lives.

At the same time, men are adjusting to the fact that they are no longer the sole provider in the family. Their financial contributions to the family as well as their career accomplishments may be equalled or possibly surpassed by their wives. In a society that still defines masculinity in terms of achievement outside the home, husbands may feel a sense of loss in their new role.

Time for leisure and social activities is rare for dual-worker couples. When they are not managing the demands of their working lives, they are struggling to create quality time for children or each other. This leaves little time for relationships outside the immediate family. Setting time aside for friendships and simple recreation may seem impossible. When couples are finally able to arrange time out for themselves or with friends, the occasion is often overshadowed by feelings of guilt.

Benefits

Despite all of these challenges, dual-worker couples enjoy their chosen lifestyle. Couples report not only experiencing financial benefits, but personal benefits. They enjoy the collegiality of having a partner with whom they can share the challenges and frustrations of work. And, unlike what many once believed to be the case, both husbands and wives in dual-worker homes report experiencing higher levels of self-esteem because of their chosen lifestyle. Work outside the home appears to provide both men and women with a sense of accomplishment and competence.

Possible Solutions: What We Know So Far

The dual-worker lifestyle is complicated but not impossible. What we have learned however, is that couples who presume that it involves little more than a redistribution of household chores will be in for a big surprise. It is interesting to note that the majority of college students expect to adopt this lifestyle but typically underestimate the stresses they will face.12 Couples who are seriously considering this kind of relationship need to spend time educating themselves on the critical skills and processes required for dual-worker living.

Clarify Roles and Expectations

Communication is the foundation of any relationship. In the fast-paced lifestyle of dual-worker couples, stresses will develop quickly if partners do not clarify roles and expectations at the outset.

A good starting point for couples who want to enhance their relationships is to spend time sharing their career aspirations with each other. Both partners express what work means to them and what they hope to achieve. This kind of communication highlights potential conflicting goals and can open the door to a continuing process of compromise and negotiation that marks effective dual-worker relationships.

As mentioned earlier, the dual-worker lifestyle is a complex system of work, family and personal roles. It is important that couples explore how these roles are intertwined and the personal meanings attached to each of them. Equally important is understanding each partner's expectation of how the other should function in these roles. Often times, gender-based stereotypes are revealed that couples must work through. A common technique to facilitate this exploration is to have both partners draw a circle, dividing it into sections that represent how much time they would like to devote to each role they play. As partners begin to share what different life roles mean to them, the communication pathway is strengthened.

Set Priorities

The outcome of clarifying roles and expectations is finding common ground with respect to what is most important. Dual-worker couples who have learned to manage the challenges of their lifestyle successfully have learned how to prioritize what means the most to each partner and to the relationship. What brings the greatest joy to the relationship is held sacred and what is considered a luxury rather than a necessity is let go. These couples understand that core values are critical common ground, and that irrelevancies can take up too much time and energy in a relationship where quality must take precedence over quantity.

Develop Process Skills

The challenge of maintaining a strong relationship lies in understanding that life is lived on a day to day basis. It is the daily-ness of life that presents the greatest obstacles. We may confront extraordinary crises in our lives such as bankruptcy or the death of a loved one, but it is our ability to meet life in the ordinary moments that sustains us.

Many couples put more energy and thought into their wedding day than into any other part of their relationship. And yet, the test of their relationship will come in their ability to work through the realities of who takes out the garbage, who makes the lunches, who picks up the kids after soccer practice, and who gets the car. These decisions and divisions are all a matter of process. Couples who value good process tend to experience good outcomes when confronted with the challenges of daily living.

What are process skills and what does good process mean? Process skills include the ability to plan realistically, the ability to manage time efficiently, the ability to communicate honestly, the ability to resolve conflicts positively, the ability to manage stress effectively, and the ability to negotiate equitably. Process skills are basic life skills which most of us learned by observing our parents practice them, for better or worse. Couples who value good process choose to exercise process skills during the ordinary moments of their relationship rather than being forced to exercise crisis intervention skills later.

Be Creative

Solutions to the challenges of dual-worker living are as unique as the individuals who choose this lifestyle. There is no master blueprint to overcoming the obstacles that face these couples. What works for one couple may not necessarily work for another, although other people's experiences may offer some insightful suggestions. Those couples who have managed this lifestyle successfully recognize the importance of keeping an open mind when it comes to generating needed solutions.

Flexibility is the hallmark of a creative couple. The willingness to look at situations from different perspectives and to experiment with new ways of doing things is an essential quality among partners who want to balance work and family roles equitably. They are not afraid of change and adopt an attitude of continuous learning.

Create A Personal Care Plan

Managing the complex challenges of a demanding lifestyle also requires that both partners have a clear understanding of how to address their personal needs. Neglecting these basic physical, spiritual and emotional areas can leave individuals more vulnerable to the stresses of 21st century living. Designing and managing a personal care plan reflects the understanding that building a healthy relationship requires two healthy people.

Exercise Forgiveness Freely

Dual-worker couples recognize that mistakes happen. They also understand that forgiveness needs to be exercised frequently if their relationship is to survive. It is not enough to tolerate differences; couples who are able to manage this lifestyle learn to forgive and forget.

Concluding Comments

Dual-worker couples will be the preferred lifestyle of the next century. What we are likely to see is husbands and wives whose careers are developing at different rates than those of traditional couples. Women will take time out to have families and men will adjust their career priorities to make time for sharing the parenting responsibilities. The workplace will continue, however, to challenge traditional stereotypes of masculinity and femininity and couples will have to work hard to redefine their roles both in the home and in the workplace.

Security and identity will be recurring themes among these couples as the pressures to meet societal expectations and address economic realities wilt continue. Dual-worker living will challenge husbands and wives to constantly review their priorities and protect themselves from becoming slaves to a lifestyle.

In many ways, the dual-worker couple is walking through uncharted territory. Those who are successful in these relationships will have committed themselves to developing critical process skills. They will also have come to understand the importance of thinking creatively, implementing personal care plans, and exercising forgiveness continuously.

~ Lory Block spent 11 years studying clinical psychology at the University of British Columbia. Genuinely fascinated by people, she began to reflect on where they spend a great deal of time -- at work. Her curiosity eventually led to a change in her own career plans. In 1996, Lory founded Careers by Design, a company specializing in career development and planning services.

Notes

1. Masnick, G., & Bane, M.J. (1980). The nation‘s families: 1960-1980. Cambridge, MA: Joint Center for Urban Studies of MIT and Harvard University.

2. Weitzman, L.M., & Fitzgerald, L.F. (1993). Employed mothers: Labor force profiles and diverse lifestyles. In J. Frankel (Ed.), Employed mothers and the family context. New York: Springer.

3. Regan, M.C. & Roland, H.E.(1982). University Students: A change in expectations and aspirations over the decade. Sociology of Education, 55, 223-228.

4. Gilbert, L., Dancer, L.S., Rossman, K.M., & Thorn, B.L. (1991). Assessing perceptions of occupational-family integration. Sex Roles, 24, 107-119.

5. Federal Business Development Bank.

6. Career Opportunities News, September, 1993, p.ll.

7. Padula, M. (1994). Reentry women: A literature review with recommendations for counseling and research. Journal of Counseling & Development,73, p.10-16.

8. Johnson, A.A. (1990). Relocating two-earner couples: What companies are doing. The Conference Board, Research Bulletin Number 247.

9. Carter, J. & Carter, J.D. (1995). He Works She Works: Successful Strategies for Working Couples. New York: American Management Association.

10. Hoschschild, A. with Machung, A. (1989). The second shift: Working parents and the revolution at home. New York: Viking.

11. Spiker-Miller, S. & Kees, N. (1995). Making career development a reality for dual-career couples, Journal of Employment Counseling, March, 32, 32-45.

12. Gunnings, S.R. (1989). An examination of dual-career marriage, family, and career stress expectations of undergraduate students at Michigan State University. (Doctoral Dissertation, Michigan State University, 1989). Dissertation Abstracts International, 51, 1508A.