Today, about two-thirds of women with children work outside the home, at least part time. Shifting from the responsibilities of the workplace to the equally responsible job of parenting is a tall order. Every parent knows how chaotic the hours after work and before bedtime can be. To manage the home, young couples are challenged to share the load of parenting.
The gender roles of the 1950s do not fit today's dual bread-winning parents. Parenting demands pulling together, dividing the load, and affirming one another often. Whether you are a working dad or a working mom, here are some after-hours tips for you and your spouse:
* SWITCH GEARS. While you commute homeward, mentally file away the workday and bring your family into focus. Think about your spouse and each child, remembering a special need of each person. By the time you reach for your doorknob, you'll be thinking about the important things happening in the lives of your family.
* Decide to be POSITIVE. Attitude can make or break almost any family situation. Guard against resentment when a business phone call takes your spouse away from a critical task. If you need to, establish weeknight telephone (and TV) limits.
* Agree ahead of time on an EGALITARIAN evening schedule. Select a way that works for you, whether simple division of tasks, rotation, or blocks of "on duty" time. The important thing is clear expectations, being flexible and showing appreciation when your spouse "covers" for you.
* Resist hinting or hoping your spouse will see the things that need to be done. Instead, CLEARLY DESCRIBE what you need and by what time. A wife might ask her husband, "Could you please help Marcel complete three more pages in his Scout manual before he leaves for his den meeting at 7 p.m.?" A husband might suggest to his wife, "If I pick up the dry cleaning tomorrow afternoon, could you drop off the film before work tomorrow morning?" When you nail down the specifics of each task, there's less room for disappointment. Once jobs are agreed on, let each person do the task in their own way -- without checking.
*SHOW APPRECIATION several times an evening for your spouse's help. Genuine gratitude keeps positive energy flowing and that spirit is reflected in the children's attitudes, too.
* Don't forget to INCLUDE THE KIDS as an integral part of your family team. Give them specific directions for daily tasks, asking them to "report in" when they've completed the job. Then, don't miss telling them how much you appreciate their part in creating a family you're proud of.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Helping Elementary School Children Cope with Separation and Divorce
As difficult as separation or divorce may be for a couple, it can be very troubling for children.
Virtually all children whose parents are separating experience painful feelings such as fear, loss, anger, and confusion. However, children can and do recover. In fact, most children of separated parents grow up relatively healthy and well-adjusted. Parents can play a crucial role in helping their children cope with the crisis of their parents' separation. With understanding and guidance, children can learn to deal with the emotional trauma of separation and the healing process can begin.
Feelings of Sadness and Loss
During the elementary school years, children typically experience feelings of sadness and a profound sense of loss in reaction to their parents' separation. Strong feelings of grief and sorrow are common, and children often long for the non-resident parent and the security of their old family. Some children even feel embarrassed or ashamed about their family's situation. Though it is less common in older children, feelings of responsibility and self-blame for the separation may occur. While some children express their anguish outwardly (i.e. crying), others struggle to hold their emotions inside.
What Can Parents do?
* help children express their feelings verbally and non-verbally (i.e. art, music, writing)
* acknowledge children's emotions and help them understand what they are feeling
* reassure children that their feelings are normal and okay
* provide age-appropriate explanations for the separation so children know it isn't their fault
* help children meet other kids whose parents have separated so they know they're not alone
* consider enrolling children in a separation/ divorce support group
Anxiety and Fear
Fear and worry are also common reactions among elementary school children with separating parents. The safety and security of family routines are often disrupted when parents separate, which may leave children feeling scared and insecure. Some children experience an overwhelming sense of helplessness in the face of the many changes in their lives. Younger children may even be afraid that their parents will abandon them or stop loving them. The conflict that children often witness between parents during this transition is also extremely stressful and can result in anxiety. Sometimes children at this age will talk quite openly about their concerns. However, nervous habits such as fidgeting or nail biting and physical symptoms such as stomach aches or headaches are also common. Among older children, withdrawal from friends and social activities is another sign of worry or fear.
What Can Parents Do?
* avoid conflict in the presence of children
* minimize disruptions in family routines
* tell children what changes to expect in their lives: where they will live, who will care for them and so on
* reassure children that you love them and will continue to take care of them
* allow older children some input into custody/ visitation plans but maintain ultimate responsibility for making decisions
* provide steady and predictable parenting
* set aside special time with each child
* encourage children to express their worries, acknowledge and validate their feelings
* teach children relaxation and coping skills
Anger and Aggression
Angry feelings are also common among elementary school children whose parents are separating. Sometimes children are outraged at parents for separating and may berate or scold parents for their actions. They may express their anger by blaming parents for causing the separation. Older children may try to initially hurt parents through verbal attacks expressing their anger. Children's anger at parents may take more subtle forms too, such as uncooperative behaviour, arguing about rules, or complaining about chores. Sometimes children's anger shows itself in aggressive behaviour and fights with other children or siblings as well.
What Can Parents Do?
* let children know it's okay to be mad
* teach children healthy ways to express anger (e.g. talking, artwork, sports)
* be firm when children's angry behaviour is inappropriate and encourage better ways to cope with their feelings
* remind children how to deal with frustration and conflicts with other children
* let school teachers and other caregivers know about the separation so they can help the child cope.
Virtually all children experience some difficulty adjusting to the changes brought on by parental separation. In most cases, the emotional wounds heal over time and children recover from the crisis. If a child's distress is extreme or persists for an extended period, professional counseling or intervention can help. By being aware of the ways that separation can affect children, parents can take steps to ease the difficulties children often face, and help them cope more successfully.
Virtually all children whose parents are separating experience painful feelings such as fear, loss, anger, and confusion. However, children can and do recover. In fact, most children of separated parents grow up relatively healthy and well-adjusted. Parents can play a crucial role in helping their children cope with the crisis of their parents' separation. With understanding and guidance, children can learn to deal with the emotional trauma of separation and the healing process can begin.
Feelings of Sadness and Loss
During the elementary school years, children typically experience feelings of sadness and a profound sense of loss in reaction to their parents' separation. Strong feelings of grief and sorrow are common, and children often long for the non-resident parent and the security of their old family. Some children even feel embarrassed or ashamed about their family's situation. Though it is less common in older children, feelings of responsibility and self-blame for the separation may occur. While some children express their anguish outwardly (i.e. crying), others struggle to hold their emotions inside.
What Can Parents do?
* help children express their feelings verbally and non-verbally (i.e. art, music, writing)
* acknowledge children's emotions and help them understand what they are feeling
* reassure children that their feelings are normal and okay
* provide age-appropriate explanations for the separation so children know it isn't their fault
* help children meet other kids whose parents have separated so they know they're not alone
* consider enrolling children in a separation/ divorce support group
Anxiety and Fear
Fear and worry are also common reactions among elementary school children with separating parents. The safety and security of family routines are often disrupted when parents separate, which may leave children feeling scared and insecure. Some children experience an overwhelming sense of helplessness in the face of the many changes in their lives. Younger children may even be afraid that their parents will abandon them or stop loving them. The conflict that children often witness between parents during this transition is also extremely stressful and can result in anxiety. Sometimes children at this age will talk quite openly about their concerns. However, nervous habits such as fidgeting or nail biting and physical symptoms such as stomach aches or headaches are also common. Among older children, withdrawal from friends and social activities is another sign of worry or fear.
What Can Parents Do?
* avoid conflict in the presence of children
* minimize disruptions in family routines
* tell children what changes to expect in their lives: where they will live, who will care for them and so on
* reassure children that you love them and will continue to take care of them
* allow older children some input into custody/ visitation plans but maintain ultimate responsibility for making decisions
* provide steady and predictable parenting
* set aside special time with each child
* encourage children to express their worries, acknowledge and validate their feelings
* teach children relaxation and coping skills
Anger and Aggression
Angry feelings are also common among elementary school children whose parents are separating. Sometimes children are outraged at parents for separating and may berate or scold parents for their actions. They may express their anger by blaming parents for causing the separation. Older children may try to initially hurt parents through verbal attacks expressing their anger. Children's anger at parents may take more subtle forms too, such as uncooperative behaviour, arguing about rules, or complaining about chores. Sometimes children's anger shows itself in aggressive behaviour and fights with other children or siblings as well.
What Can Parents Do?
* let children know it's okay to be mad
* teach children healthy ways to express anger (e.g. talking, artwork, sports)
* be firm when children's angry behaviour is inappropriate and encourage better ways to cope with their feelings
* remind children how to deal with frustration and conflicts with other children
* let school teachers and other caregivers know about the separation so they can help the child cope.
Virtually all children experience some difficulty adjusting to the changes brought on by parental separation. In most cases, the emotional wounds heal over time and children recover from the crisis. If a child's distress is extreme or persists for an extended period, professional counseling or intervention can help. By being aware of the ways that separation can affect children, parents can take steps to ease the difficulties children often face, and help them cope more successfully.
The Mailbox
As a child I spent hours in a small playhouse in the back yard. I decked it out with curtains strung on twine, a window box planted with marigolds, and a mailbox made from a coffee can.
The can was nailed to the outside wall of the playhouse, next to the window. It was painted with green housepaint and fitted with a small board inside to create a flat horizontal surface.
One languid summer day I ran into the house and found my mother mopping the kitchen floor. "Mama," I asked, "could you bring me some mail?"
She straightened up and held the mop in one hand, massaging the small of her back with the other. She looked down at me and smiled. Her bright blue eyes softened as she looked at me, her suntanned, pigtailed daughter.
"Well, yes, I think I can, after I finished the floor," she said. "You go back to the playhouse and wait awhile. I'll be there."
So I ran outside, letting the screen door slam behind me. I skipped down the narrow brick path to the clothesline and under it to the playhouse beside the dwarf apple tree. I busied myself with little-girl housekeeping: washing my doll dishes, tidying the bed, sweeping the floor with the toy corn straw broom.
Then I heard steps on the brick path. "Mail time," Mama called in a high voice. Then I heard the thunk of envelopes firmly striking the inside of the coffee can.
I waited to give her time to walk back to the house, then rushed out of the playhouse and reached into the can to grab my treasure. Shuffling through it, I found three envelopes, a catalog, and a small package. What a haul!
I sat on the grass that sloped down to the garden to open it.
Naturally, I went for the package first. Tearing away the brown grocery sack paper, I lifted the lid from a tiny box. Wow! Two sticks of Juicy Fruit gum; a square of waxed paper wrapped around a handful of chocolate chips, raisins, and miniature marshmallows; and a new Pink Pear eraser. I munched on the snack mixture while I explored the rest of my mail.
Thumbing through the seed catalog, I enjoyed the brightly-colored flower pictures. Then I spread the envelopes out in my hand. Each was addressed to "Patty, Playhouse, Back Yard, Oregon" and posted with an S & H Green Stamp. I slipped my finger under the flap of one and ripped it open. It held a flyer from a car insurance company. In the next I found an advertisement for magazine subscriptions with a hundred tiny stamps to stick onto the order form. From the last envelope I pulled a page of note paper.
"How are you doing?" I read in my mother's perfect printing. "It's been beautiful weather here, though a little hot for me. I've been canning beans. We have a lovely, large garden, as usual. Do come visit us. You know you are always welcome. Love, Mama."
She signed it in "writing" with swirls at the beginning of the "M" and at the end of the "a."
That was 40 years ago.
I thought Mama and I had become close friends only recently. But remembering the mailbox, I realized I was wrong. The mother who took the time from her mopping and canning to gather up some junk mail and trinkets to put into a package, write a personal note, and deliver it all in true play-acting style was my special companion even back then.
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