How Compatible Are You

Compatibility is not a state in which you begin a marriage, but rather it's a goal to be achieved. Another way to look at matrimony and compatibility is: We fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character. How have you changed since you were first married? Research reveals we become more compatible with our mates through learning to adapt to each other.

You can't change your basic personality, but you can change your behavior. In reviewing our marriage history, we realized we really have changed and adapted to each other over the years. What about you? Why not look back in your memory archives and see how you've changed and progressed toward compatibility.

1. Take two sheets of paper and each list the ways you were similar when you first were married. You might list attitudes, belief system, interest, desires and so on.
2. Write down the areas in which you were different -- the areas you were less compatible.
3. Think about which of your differences have given you the most trouble over the years. Have you made progress in resolving, or positively accepting, these differences?
4. What changes have you made in adapting to each other?
5. What reasonable changes do you still need to make?

Take some time to share your lists with each other. Discuss how you have worked on your differences over the years. Have you grown and changed for the better in the process?

You may find that while your similarities provided a foundation for your life together, real growth has come mainly from working through your differences. The key is to remember that wherever you are now, you can keep adapting and moving closer to your mate. Remember, compatibility is not a state of being, but rather a goal to work for!

~ David and Claudia Arp are the founders and directors of Marriage Alive International. They conduct seminars across the United States and Europe and have written over 15 books dealing with marriage and family enrichment. They have three married adult sons, five grandchildren, and live in Knoxville, Tenn.

-reprinted with permission from the ZONDERVAN PUBLISHING HOUSE E-MAIL ALERT SERVICE newsletter. http://www.zondervan.com

How Much Do You Know About Your Mate

How much do you really know about your mate? Most couples tend to talk about everything except themselves, so you may be surprised to discover how much you don't know about your mate's personal likes and dislikes -- no matter how long you've been married. To discover what your mate is thinking and to find out personal preferences, play the game "Try Me."

Either can start the game. Ask a question about yourself which the other must try to answer, such as, "Tell me how I would spend an evening if I could do anything I wanted."

The game's purpose, of course, is to deepen your knowledge of each other. The subjects may range from heavy ("Tell me my position on assisted suicide") to light ("Tell me my favorite flavor of gum"). Here are some questions to get your started.

1. What subject would I like to study?
2. What comic strips do I read regularly?
3. Which place I would visit first in a strange city -- the museum or the shopping mall?
4. Who's the funniest person I know?
5. What are some of my favorite sayings?
6. What is favorite color? Food? Season of the year?

Once you get started, you may have trouble stopping. At least you'll end the game with some new insights about your mate. Why not try it and find out for yourself?

~ David and Claudia Arp, MSW, founders of Marriage Alive Seminars, are marriage educators, columnists and authors of numerous books and small group video curriculum including The Second Half of Marriage and 10 Great Dates (Zondervan) Website: www.marriagealive.com

For more information on enriching your relationships, visit Family Life

Sex: What it could be, what it should be

Sex is everywhere. It is almost impossible to pick up a magazine, listen to music or watch a movie without receiving sexual messages. Advertisers use images of women and men in suggestive poses to sell their products. There are sex chat rooms on the Internet and condom machines in public washrooms. Some messages are merely suggestive, while others are explicit portrayals of sexual acts that leave little to the imagination.

Has pushing sexual expression to the limit made sex any better for women? Have the past three decades of increasing sexual freedom given women more of an opportunity to experience the kind of love they really desire? Or has it created a generation of women who are out to get the most out of life, but are settling for the least in the area of sexuality?

Most of the messages I have come across seem to present a one-dimensional picture of sexuality. Sex is primarily portrayed as an activity designed for the exclusive purpose of giving physical pleasure. That notion may fuel our drive for nights of passion, but, unfortunately, it also reduces our expectations of what sex could, and should, be.

Psychologists tell us that women typically hope for a relationship that involves commitment, love and pleasure all at the same time. My friend Sharon says, "Commitment is the glue that gives a heightened pleasure to the activity and a sense of peace that my husband is the only person whos going to see and touch me in this way."

Yet for many women in the 1990s, that remains an elusive dream. Why? Because society has given them the message that such a relationship is unattainable and so, many women have simply stopped looking for it.

Joyce Grunau is a counsellor who says that a womans deepest sexual longings are for physical intimacy in the context of emotional intimacy and commitment. But society often tells us this is not a realistic goal. Sex is just a feeling and at best you can make each other feel good for a few moments. As a result, many women tend to repress their longings for a sexual relationship with a man who deeply values them and is committed to developing emotional intimacy in a lifelong relationship.

For a long time, a friend of mine thought she would never experience the kind of relationship that she wanted. When Pam first had sex with her boyfriend, she expected intercourse to add the element of commitment to their relationship. Instead, she says, "It didn't solidify our relationship. Sure there was pleasure, but that pleasure became a drive, an addiction driven by fear and insecurity - fears that I wouldnt be accepted if I didnt have sex. I now know that it was an act that was related to what I looked like on the outside. He wasn't really interested in who I was."

Is this the best that sex has to offer?

In its truest form, sex is not only connected to a sense of pleasure, but also to love and commitment. The ultimate sexual experience is a deep and satisfying union that is emotional, spiritual and physical.

One way of thinking about the richness that can be experienced through sex is to imagine a pie that is cut into sections. In its entirety, the pie represents the most wonderful and complete sexual experience that we can ever imagine. It is made up of individual pieces that represent commitment, love, union (physical, spiritual and emotional), pleasure and the possibility of
procreation. If you want to experience the best sex, you need to taste each of the pieces. If any of these essential pieces is missing from a sexual experience, then you are settling for second best.

Does our society really encourage us to settle for second best?

Consider the advice given in one of the most popular guides to sex and relationships. The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right provides women with a list of rules intended to lead them to the healthy, committed relationship they really want. The book has some valuable insight, but this is the advice given with regard to sex:

First and foremost, stay emotionally cool no matter how hot the sex gets. Don't use the physical closeness of sex to gain emotional closeness, security and assurances about the future. Don't bring up marriage, kids or your future together...try to relax and think about nothing.

Think about nothing. Dont get emotionally involved. Don't talk about sex in connection with emotional closeness or security. That is the exact opposite of what sex is meant to be! In truth, sex should be a celebration of commitment, marriage and emotional security. Telling women they should try to shut themselves off from these natural and legitimate longings actually encourages them to fragment the sexual experience and to settle for a small piece instead of feasting on the whole pie.

Author and scholar C.S. Lewis says, "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in the slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

Are you making mud pies in the slum because you cant imagine ever having a seaside vacation? Have you been fooled into thinking that you have found fulfillment by having just one piece of the pie? If you are far too easily pleased, maybe its time to re-evaluate your sex life. Consider what you want out of a relationship, and then make a commitment to settle for nothing less. After all, why settle for just one slice when you can have the whole pie!

~ Susan Martinuk is a freelance writer and speaker. She was formerly a medical researcher at an infertility clinic and now uses those experiences to speak and write on sex-related issues.