How Compatible Are You

Compatibility is not a state in which you begin a marriage, but rather it's a goal to be achieved. Another way to look at matrimony and compatibility is: We fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character. How have you changed since you were first married? Research reveals we become more compatible with our mates through learning to adapt to each other.

You can't change your basic personality, but you can change your behavior. In reviewing our marriage history, we realized we really have changed and adapted to each other over the years. What about you? Why not look back in your memory archives and see how you've changed and progressed toward compatibility.

1. Take two sheets of paper and each list the ways you were similar when you first were married. You might list attitudes, belief system, interest, desires and so on.
2. Write down the areas in which you were different -- the areas you were less compatible.
3. Think about which of your differences have given you the most trouble over the years. Have you made progress in resolving, or positively accepting, these differences?
4. What changes have you made in adapting to each other?
5. What reasonable changes do you still need to make?

Take some time to share your lists with each other. Discuss how you have worked on your differences over the years. Have you grown and changed for the better in the process?

You may find that while your similarities provided a foundation for your life together, real growth has come mainly from working through your differences. The key is to remember that wherever you are now, you can keep adapting and moving closer to your mate. Remember, compatibility is not a state of being, but rather a goal to work for!

~ David and Claudia Arp are the founders and directors of Marriage Alive International. They conduct seminars across the United States and Europe and have written over 15 books dealing with marriage and family enrichment. They have three married adult sons, five grandchildren, and live in Knoxville, Tenn.

-reprinted with permission from the ZONDERVAN PUBLISHING HOUSE E-MAIL ALERT SERVICE newsletter. http://www.zondervan.com