Some time ago I taught a lesson on marriage. At the end I asked, “Wouldn’t it be interesting if we all went home and did two things:
(1) ask our wives how we could be better husbands, and (2) listen to what they have to say.” [Questions should also be asked in reverse by wife]
After the meeting I returned home and began eating a late breakfast. My wife, Susan, asked about my lesson, and between bites of cereal I indicated that as far as I could tell it went pretty well.
“What did you say?” she asked. I took another spoonful of cereal and replied, “I told them to go home and ask their wives how they could be better husbands, and then listen to their comments.” I chuckled. “I’ll bet some of them are having some pretty interesting discussions right now.” I took another sip of orange juice.
Susan walked over to the kitchen counter and was rather quiet as I continued to enjoy my breakfast. After a few minutes she said, “Do you really want to know?”
“Know what?” I asked.
“How you could be a better husband,” she replied. “You do follow your own advice, don’t you?”
Suddenly I lost my appetite. I put down my toast, and she began.
It was not so much what I was doing that concerned her, she said, but what I could be doing that would greatly improve our marriage. I listened.
Our discussion had lasted about an hour when the phone rang. Susan answered it and talked for a minute or two and hung up.
“Who was it?” I asked.
“It was Brother Larson,” she replied. “He said he would be a little late picking you up to go home teaching.”
Susan walked out of the kitchen and called back, “He said he and his wife were having some sort of discussion. Something to do with what you said in priesthood meeting this morning.”
As husbands and wives, how well do we know each other? Most of us knew enough about our spouse at one time to agree to marriage. But what have we learned about each other since then? People—and consequently marriages—change as the years go by.
Some husbands and wives are surprised to find that there are still things to learn about each other, even after several years of marriage. Some mistakenly believe that because they live together in the same house, they’ll automatically know each other. Others assume that they each share the same perspective of their marriage—that since they are “one,” they think exactly alike, enjoy exactly the same things, and derive exactly the same satisfaction from their relationship. And some even erroneously assume that because they love each other, each will always know what the other is thinking or feeling, so there’s no need to express thoughts and sentiments.
Whatever the reasons, dialogue is infrequent or missing in too many marriages.
Elder Hugh B. Brown has written: “Where there is deep and mature love, which is being nurtured and jealously guarded, the couple will confide in each other and discuss all matters of joint interest—and in marriage everything should be of interest to both—they will stand together in adversity, will lean on, support, and give strength to each other. They will find that their combined strength is more than double the strength of either one of them alone.” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, p. 30.)
To assist in marital communication, try the following exercise together. Allow yourselves sufficient time when there will be no interruptions. You might wish to divide the exercise into several sessions, considering two or three statements at each session.
First, respond individually in writing to the statements. Then exchange papers and talk about what you’ve written. Don’t try to review your responses simultaneously. While one of you is reading or speaking, the other should listen or ask clarifying questions. Then switch roles.
Complete the following statements:
1. In our marriage, I feel loved when you …
2. In our marriage, I feel appreciated when you …
3. In our marriage, I am happiest when …
4. In our marriage, I am saddest when …
5. In our marriage, I am angriest when …
6. In our marriage, I would like more …
7. In our marriage, I would like less …
8. In our marriage, I feel awkward when …
9. In our marriage, I feel uneasy when …
10. In our marriage, I feel excited when …
11. In our marriage, I feel close to you when …
12. In our marriage, I feel distant from you when …
13. In our marriage, I feel most afraid when …
14. My greatest concern/fear about our marriage is …
15. What I like most about myself is …
16. What I dislike most about myself is …
17. The feelings that I have the most difficulty sharing with you are …
18. The feelings that I can share most easily with you are …
19. Our marriage could be greatly improved with just a little effort if we …
20. The one thing in our marriage that needs the most immediate attention is …
21. The best thing about our marriage is …
Sunday, 17 May 2009
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
5 Tips to Fix a Sexless Marriage Or Relationship
If you're in a sexless marriage or relationship and wish to change it to the better, this article is definitely for you, and I urge you to read it through. In order to fix a sexless marriage you need to be able to take a step back from what is happening to you and look at things objectively. I know it's hard as you must be going through an emotional turmoil, but trust me, it's the best sexless marriage advice I can give because it needs to be done. If you let your perspective be clouded by your emotions, it would be difficult for you to fix your sexless marriage.
Here are some tips to fix a sexless marriage or Relationship
1. Don't think it's all about you - Often you tend to blame yourself that your partner is not sleeping with you. Again, it's understandable that you feel rejected, confused, and hurt. But more often than not, this has little to do directly with you and stems from deeper relationship issues.
2. Don't be a victim - Feeling sorry for yourself is the easiest thing to do. You feel that you've been done wrong and you just want someone to offer you compassion. Well, tough luck, feeling sorry for yourself is counterproductive as it will not bring any intimacy back into your marriage or relationship. If you truly wish to fix your sexless marriage, stop playing the victim and realize that this is entirely within your power to change the direction your marriage has taken. It's also entirely up to you to start the process.
3. Don't play the blame game - It's easy to start throwing blame around either at yourself or at your partner. Both of these courses are the wrong path to take. Playing the blame game will not lead anywhere, it will only deepen the rift between you and your partner. Realize that the blame is probably not with either of you solely. You both share the responsibility for everything that happens in your relationship.
4. Look to the past - Sexless marriages don't just spring up out of thin air. They are just symptoms of other, deeper relationship issues between you and your partner. One of the ways to figure out what went wrong and how to correct it is to think back to a time before your relationship difficulties began. What was different then that isn't that way now? More often than not, you will find that something about your relationship or your life together has changed. At other times outside factors like a change in employment conditions may have happened and contributed to the relationship problems you now have. Before you can solve the problem, you need to recognize the causes. Look to the past and the answer will probably stare at you right in the face.
5. Look to the future - Of course, not everything that went well in the past can be duplicated in the present or future; you may kids now, or work different hours, or anything else which may constitute a big part of your life. However, that doesn't mean that you can't change your relationship for the better. And that's really one of the keys to solving most sexless relationships, the idea of change and applying that idea. Once you realize that something or things in your past triggered this condition, you can take action to fix your sexless marriage or relationship by taking steps to reduce the effect of that 'thing'. For instance, if your relationship started to turn sexless after you had children, you should strive to make time for you and your partner away from you kids. Taking a weekend off is a great idea which can really get the fire roaring again between you. You know what happened in the past and so you can get creative in the future.
Take these 5 steps and you will be much closer to fixing your sexless marriage or relationship.
Here are some tips to fix a sexless marriage or Relationship
1. Don't think it's all about you - Often you tend to blame yourself that your partner is not sleeping with you. Again, it's understandable that you feel rejected, confused, and hurt. But more often than not, this has little to do directly with you and stems from deeper relationship issues.
2. Don't be a victim - Feeling sorry for yourself is the easiest thing to do. You feel that you've been done wrong and you just want someone to offer you compassion. Well, tough luck, feeling sorry for yourself is counterproductive as it will not bring any intimacy back into your marriage or relationship. If you truly wish to fix your sexless marriage, stop playing the victim and realize that this is entirely within your power to change the direction your marriage has taken. It's also entirely up to you to start the process.
3. Don't play the blame game - It's easy to start throwing blame around either at yourself or at your partner. Both of these courses are the wrong path to take. Playing the blame game will not lead anywhere, it will only deepen the rift between you and your partner. Realize that the blame is probably not with either of you solely. You both share the responsibility for everything that happens in your relationship.
4. Look to the past - Sexless marriages don't just spring up out of thin air. They are just symptoms of other, deeper relationship issues between you and your partner. One of the ways to figure out what went wrong and how to correct it is to think back to a time before your relationship difficulties began. What was different then that isn't that way now? More often than not, you will find that something about your relationship or your life together has changed. At other times outside factors like a change in employment conditions may have happened and contributed to the relationship problems you now have. Before you can solve the problem, you need to recognize the causes. Look to the past and the answer will probably stare at you right in the face.
5. Look to the future - Of course, not everything that went well in the past can be duplicated in the present or future; you may kids now, or work different hours, or anything else which may constitute a big part of your life. However, that doesn't mean that you can't change your relationship for the better. And that's really one of the keys to solving most sexless relationships, the idea of change and applying that idea. Once you realize that something or things in your past triggered this condition, you can take action to fix your sexless marriage or relationship by taking steps to reduce the effect of that 'thing'. For instance, if your relationship started to turn sexless after you had children, you should strive to make time for you and your partner away from you kids. Taking a weekend off is a great idea which can really get the fire roaring again between you. You know what happened in the past and so you can get creative in the future.
Take these 5 steps and you will be much closer to fixing your sexless marriage or relationship.
Is This a Requirement For the Success of a Marriage Or Relationship
Trust in relationships could be considered one of the essential requirements for the success of a good marriage or relationship. It is essential for a healthy relationship. Trust is absolutely pivotal in order for a relationship to work. Where there is no trust, it effects the relationship in so many ways, and there are relationship questions, like cheating relationship questions.
When there is a lack of trust there is continuous suspicion and doubt about many things, raising a lot of relationship questions to ask. One is left questioning everything, and wondering if certain behavior or activities are other examples of a breach of trust in the relationship. So much so that it can get to the point where a person is so effected they are never able to be at ease, even thinking that cheating in relationships, is part of what happens in relationships.
When the couple are not together, whether this be during the day when each is at work, or if one party is out somewhere else at other times. This lack of trust in the relationship, can be effecting the person so much who feels there has been a violation of trust, that asking relationship questions becomes a constant focus. They can be thinking, "what is he/she up to now," "can I be sure they are where they said they would be, or are going."
The effects can be devastating, and have a major impact on the ongoing level of confidence in the marriage. Trust in relationships can become an issue with some couples if one of the partners has a friendship with a person of the opposite sex. There tends to be a belief with a lot of people, that it is not possible to have platonic relationships with anyone not of the same sex.
This can be a relationship issue threatening trust in relationships no matter how long people have been together or what age they are, and can become a serious relationship problem. This is rather a shame, as it is surely possible to have platonic relationships without suspecting there has to be sexual activity involved, leading to having grounds for a lack of trust in relationships.
Unfortunately, this is very common, as there is such a strong view generally, that men and women can't have platonic relationships. This can be the case, particularly with people who have cynical attitudes who tend to be skeptical and distrustful in their approach to life. Another threat to trust in relationships can be if either partner has experienced a breakdown in trust in a previous relationship.
Sometimes people have not come to terms with this issue from a former relationship, and it can be useful to seek professional help if that is the case. Associated with this, is that there can be self esteem issues that need to be addressed. In simple terms, it can be a matter of,"I wasn't good enough before, how can I be now". There can be ongoing lack of trust in relationships. In a lot of marriages and relationships there is clear evidence for the distrust.
When this happens, it is unlikely the relationship can survive to the satisfaction of both partners, in which case it is going to be preferable for the couple not to stay together and to consider ways to end relationships. It is simply a matter of good relationships are built on trust, and without it, there is no foundation for the survival of the relationship. I have tended to focus on the issues associated with when there is a lack, or breakdown of trust, in relationships.
It is important to emphasize that when there is trust in relationships, it is a wonderful experience for you. It means you can be at ease with each other and have a totally different experience. You have a connection and level of intimacy that is intense and deep-seated, allowing you to enjoy life to the fullest. You have such a level of trust in your relationship that is beyond the wildest dreams of most people, and you feel very special.
Leo has been a counselor for twenty years dealing with a range of issues with clients. During that time he has dealt with relationships primarily. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on relationships to a broad cross section of people in the community, including other counselors, doctors, nurses, police,politicians, church groups, to name a few. He has also been interviewed by all sectors of the media about aspects of his work.
When there is a lack of trust there is continuous suspicion and doubt about many things, raising a lot of relationship questions to ask. One is left questioning everything, and wondering if certain behavior or activities are other examples of a breach of trust in the relationship. So much so that it can get to the point where a person is so effected they are never able to be at ease, even thinking that cheating in relationships, is part of what happens in relationships.
When the couple are not together, whether this be during the day when each is at work, or if one party is out somewhere else at other times. This lack of trust in the relationship, can be effecting the person so much who feels there has been a violation of trust, that asking relationship questions becomes a constant focus. They can be thinking, "what is he/she up to now," "can I be sure they are where they said they would be, or are going."
The effects can be devastating, and have a major impact on the ongoing level of confidence in the marriage. Trust in relationships can become an issue with some couples if one of the partners has a friendship with a person of the opposite sex. There tends to be a belief with a lot of people, that it is not possible to have platonic relationships with anyone not of the same sex.
This can be a relationship issue threatening trust in relationships no matter how long people have been together or what age they are, and can become a serious relationship problem. This is rather a shame, as it is surely possible to have platonic relationships without suspecting there has to be sexual activity involved, leading to having grounds for a lack of trust in relationships.
Unfortunately, this is very common, as there is such a strong view generally, that men and women can't have platonic relationships. This can be the case, particularly with people who have cynical attitudes who tend to be skeptical and distrustful in their approach to life. Another threat to trust in relationships can be if either partner has experienced a breakdown in trust in a previous relationship.
Sometimes people have not come to terms with this issue from a former relationship, and it can be useful to seek professional help if that is the case. Associated with this, is that there can be self esteem issues that need to be addressed. In simple terms, it can be a matter of,"I wasn't good enough before, how can I be now". There can be ongoing lack of trust in relationships. In a lot of marriages and relationships there is clear evidence for the distrust.
When this happens, it is unlikely the relationship can survive to the satisfaction of both partners, in which case it is going to be preferable for the couple not to stay together and to consider ways to end relationships. It is simply a matter of good relationships are built on trust, and without it, there is no foundation for the survival of the relationship. I have tended to focus on the issues associated with when there is a lack, or breakdown of trust, in relationships.
It is important to emphasize that when there is trust in relationships, it is a wonderful experience for you. It means you can be at ease with each other and have a totally different experience. You have a connection and level of intimacy that is intense and deep-seated, allowing you to enjoy life to the fullest. You have such a level of trust in your relationship that is beyond the wildest dreams of most people, and you feel very special.
Leo has been a counselor for twenty years dealing with a range of issues with clients. During that time he has dealt with relationships primarily. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on relationships to a broad cross section of people in the community, including other counselors, doctors, nurses, police,politicians, church groups, to name a few. He has also been interviewed by all sectors of the media about aspects of his work.
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