I Wasn't Ready to be a Grandma

Amber & Hayden“Mom, embrace it!”

My initial response to Amber’s words were, “Yeah, right, that’s easy for you to say.” But within seconds I thought, “She’s right. I really don’t have any other choice.” But with that “embrace” has come anguish as we’ve grieved but also much joy as we’ve seen God’s blessing in both the journey and the arrival of our precious little grandson. While this event may have surprised all of us, it didn’t surprise God. He knew every detail, before the foundation of the earth.

The journey begins

For us, our journey began on January 12th, 2004, with a phone call and a voicemail message. From these pieces we learned from our daughter, Amber, that she was pregnant. Amber, who was still living at home with us, had just turned 18 a week earlier and was in her second semester of grade 12. As I left her bedroom with news of her pregnancy, tears engulfed me as I struggled with a multitude of feelings.

I can’t describe the overwhelming sadness that overcame me, followed quickly by guilt, feelings of failure, fear, shame, hurt and “if only.” Hadn’t I prayed since she was a little girl that she would marry a godly man? Hadn’t I told her since she was a preschooler that “first comes love, then comes marriage, then the baby carriage”? What about my church involvement? How could I keep teaching Preschool Sunday School and running Mommy & Me, a weekly drop-in program for moms and their preschoolers? Wasn’t I supposed to be an example to all these young Moms?

When Amber was a little girl, I could kiss it and make it all better. Now, to my despair, I couldn’t make it all better. I couldn’t make it go away. Wishful thoughts filled my head. Perhaps the test was wrong … maybe she’ll miscarry. But when a blood test came back positive and the hours became days and the days became weeks it became evident that we were on a journey with a destination.

Grieving what we had lost

Amber and Hayden the day he was bornThe previous September, Amber had turned her life around. The once delinquent student became serious about graduating. The girl who loved to party and sleep in late worked hard to land herself a job at McDonald’s, and keep it. She had left her old friends behind. She had even began coming to church with our family out of a desire to be there rather than out of obligation to fulfill. Our hope had been renewed! But now this. . . what went wrong? Could we have done something differently? I had so many questions.

A few months into the pregnancy my husband and I attended a ‘respite’ retreat. While there I began to understand that what I was going through was a grieving process. I was grieving not only for the losses that Amber was facing, but also my own.

* I grieved the loss of seeing my daughter fall in love, get married and eagerly wait to have a baby. Aren’t these the special dreams every mother has from the moment her daughter is born?
* I grieved the loss of joy, in responding to the words, “Mom, I’m pregnant.” Instead my heart was filled with intense sadness, guilt, anger, disbelief, hurt and confusion.
* I grieved the loss of the thrill of telling family and friends about becoming a grandparent. Instead I felt like the news always had to be presented with some kind of parenthesis around it.
* I grieved the loss of excitement about planning for a baby’s arrival as Amber flip flopped from wanting to keep her baby to giving him/her up for adoption. While I expected her emotions to go up and down, I hadn’t anticipated my own emotions to follow as I became increasingly attached to this new life.
* I grieved the agony of watching Amber experience her losses. I’ll never forget the day she broke down sobbing in Bryans as we looked at all the beautiful grad dresses she knew she would never be able to wear. Meanwhile her twin sister was picking out ‘glass slippers’ to go with her ‘Cinderella’ dress. I agonized for Amber as her sister made plans to go to college to follow her dreams while Amber had to lay hers aside, at least temporarily, to become a mother

Being able to put words to these losses and having them validated helped me immensely in dealing with my grief.
In the early days of Amber’s pregnancy we had to work hard to see the silver lining in the proverbial cloud but as the months went by we were continually awed at God’s goodness to us. When Amber said that she wanted to go to her high school grad celebrations with her sister Natasha, I inwardly groaned. They don’t make grad dresses for pregnant teenagers. What would she wear? Wouldn’t she feel even more singled out without a fancy dress?

But God took care of us in an amazing way. One of the grandmothers from my Preschool Sunday School class approached me and said “All week, I’ve been feeling that I should offer to sew you something. I’m a professional seamstress.” She sewed a gorgeous dress for Amber. When Amber put it on, she said “I feel like a princess.”

Finding the joy in our situation

Grandma and GrandpaAs I was picking out baby pictures for Amber and Natasha’s grad celebration, tears came to my eyes. I realized that my dream of seeing them graduate together was coming true. When I first heard the news of Amber’s pregnancy, I didn’t see how it could ever happen. But God in his sovereignty chose her to be part of an alternate program where her teacher not only was a believer but had a daughter the same age as Amber. She was amazingly supportive, giving Amber total freedom to complete her assignments at her own pace.

What a blessing to be part of Amber’s journey from day one. Not only was I able to share in every doctor’s appointment, in every ultrasound (what a thrill to watch her little baby kick and wiggle!) but I was also able to support Amber as our grandson, Hayden entered the world. My husband Lorne is elated to finally have another ‘man’ in the house while our three other daughters are thrilled to be aunties.

I’m ready to be a Grandma now

Hayden at one yearIn just a couple of weeks, Hayden will turn one. Those early feelings of overwhelming sadness, guilt and fear feel like a bad dream as we hold our precious grandson or watch his mother tenderly care for him. We can’t imagine our lives without him. Have our lives changed? Dramatically!! All the baby toys I had packed away plus numerous new ones clutter our living room. Every time I try to get into my kitchen storage cupboard I have to move a highchair. Now that Hayden is crawling and pulling himself up on furniture, nothing is safe. And then there are the emotional challenges. How do we parent a ‘child’ who is a parent and how do we grandparent a grandchild who feels like a child? It’s a learning process for all of us. But just as God enabled us to adjust to her pregnancy, He’s enabling us to not only cope but to enjoy this new stage of life.

The journey that began a year ago January is far from over. It’s not an easy road that Amber has chosen for herself and this little one. But we rejoice in God’s continual provisions for her, the wise choices she is making and the awesome job she is doing in parenting Hayden. The future holds lots of challenges but God’s faithfulness encourages us all as we look to the future.

This fall, Amber is continuing to work as a volunteer with special needs students at a local elementary school and taking a 30-hour certificate program in Autism and related conditions this fall. Amber has been accepted for January into the Para Educator Program to train as a Special Education Assistant .

I don't know how we would have made this journey without the knowledge of God's love and faithfulness. I know that God loves me, he loves my daughter and he loves my grandson. Nothing can ever change that. Do you know how much God loves you? He gave up his son so that we could know him. The Bible tells the story of God reaching down to us, loving us before we even knew him, redeeming us from our circumstances, from our own choices and from the things we didn't choose. God does love you very, very much and you can know the peace that comes from him today.

There are some things in life that we feel can never be mended again. If you’ve ever felt this way, there is hope. Jesus can bring healing to anything. God gave us his Son Jesus Christ on the cross to die for our sins so that we can be made new again and have a relationship with him.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.