The Key to Successful Relationships

Relationships can be the most difficult and joyful part of your life. You cannot avoid them unless you never get out of bed in the morning and sometimes not even then. You will find yourself interfacing with others almost immediately each day. Due to the complex multiple roles you have in your life, this can be plentiful. On an average day, you could be talking to your husband or wife, co-workers, children, siblings, friends, parents, your children's teachers, your significant other, your boss, the grocery clerk and at the end of the day, it could be a telecommunications caller.

One of the most important skills you need in any and all of these relationships is the ability to listen. Better listening skills will allow you to create a more harmonious relationship where respect and cooperation are more likely to occur.

So ask yourself now: How well do I really listen to others? How well do I listen to myself? Can I be still and quiet enough to really listen? Or do I feel restless when there is silence? Do I start talking right away as a result?

Here are some tips to help you develop better listening skills.

1. Listen with concern and a desire to understand. Do not pretend to be listening or give only part of your attention if you are distracted. If you need to and it is possible to do so, ask the person to wait until you can be more attentive.
2. Let the other person talk without interrupting. Avoid quickly giving advice, interrupting, or making assumptions as to what you think the speaker is going to say. Pause and breathe, staying present and silent until he/she is finished.
3. Do not prepare your answer while the person is talking. Try to stay only in the listening mode. Once you have all the information, you will be more prepared to respond.
4. Do not engage in selective listening. Listen to the words, facts, and overall content of the person's story. Do not just pay attention to what you find interesting.
5. While you are listening, observe the person's facial expressions, gestures, eye movement, and body posture. This will give you information as to what he/she might be feeling about the conversation — more information to help you understand.

The second part of the skill is learning to reflect back what you heard the person say. Paraphrasing and repeating what you heard allows the person to know you have been listening. It keeps clarity in conversation and allows for overall better communication. This is also a skill that requires some practice. Here are a few tips.

• Try to briefly summarize what you heard the person say and repeat it back to him/her.
• Ask whether this is what he/she was trying to tell you. If not, try again to summarize or ask him/her to repeat part of what you did not understand.
• Do not immediately respond with your belief or opinion or try to advise before you have clarified his/her position. Only give advice if he/she is asking for it.
• Use empathy in your response instead of being judgmental. Be neutral and clarify what you understood his/her feelings, thoughts or opinions to be. Do not yell, argue or criticize. Ask more questions. Try asking why, when, where, or who questions. This gives you more information.
• Determine what the person needs from you. Would he/she like you just to listen and say nothing, give feedback, provide advice, help him/her resolve a situation or problem. Of course, if you are talking to young children, you may have to interrupt this yourself and offer what your intuition feels they need.

Whether you are in contact with your children, boss, husband or wife, or significant other, these tools are valuable. For the next week or so, try to exercise these new skills. Observe what happens when you listen and respond in an empathic manner instead of with advice, opinions, or judgments. Make a note of the new interaction and compare it with your old way of listening or not listening. Observe people's manner. Are they calmer and more appreciative? What do you notice?

I submit that if you practice, you will benefit in many ways. All your relationships will dramatically improve. You will find that you will gain a greater ability to listen to yourself, and you may find that others give you time and attention more readily. What we need from others, we must be willing to give. Be patient, praise yourself for your efforts (don't wait for others to praise you), and watch your skill grow.