One question we often hear from singles is about dating one person versus dating more than one person at a time. It is a good question and gets right to the heart of healthy dating practices.
For many single adults, there has been a history of dating one person, seeing if it will lead to a close significant relationship, and taking the relationship as far as possible. After it ends, the cycle then repeats: find and date just one new person. While there is certainly nothing wrong with trying to create a close relationship with one person, in our view this approach falls short in several respects.
First of all, the purpose of dating is to have fun; explore how emotionally and physically safe it is to be with your dating partner; learn as much as you can about this person; and ultimately discover if you are compatible for a long-term relationship (if that is what you desire). In keeping with the purpose of dating, we advocate a conservative, defensive posture since it is our experience that there are many more people that don't know how to date in a healthy manner than those that do. It is dangerous and risky to place yourself in a vulnerable situation until you really know who you are with.
Secondly, if you are coming out of a lonely period, it is more difficult to be objective about your new dating partner. It is difficult enough to keep your wits about you if you experience some degree of falling in love or infatuation with this person. When that is coupled with not having been with someone for a while, it is an extremely potent combination that can quickly escalate into a full-blown intense relationship, often before you really know who you are dating.
We often talk in our workshops about the importance of de-intensifying the beginning of a relationship, if you want to date in a healthy manner. Going for the maximum adrenaline rush might help you temporarily feel very alive, but is often a set-up to get badly hurt, since you just won't see the red flags that are staring you in the face.
The two best ways to de-intensify a new relationship are not seeing the person (or even having phone or voice mail or email contact) every day, and dating other people. When you date only one person, you have nothing to compare that person with. You will tend to project all of your romantic fantasies (and other unfinished business) onto this person that you barely know. By dating other people at the same time, you give yourself a built-in reality check to insure that you see things a bit more clearly.
"Fine", people say, "but how do you tell someone that you're dating other people?" That's easy: be honest. Remember, you want to learn as much as possible about this person. Their reaction to your telling them you're dating others will reveal some valuable things about their personality and maturity.
There are three rules of thumb for dating more than one person:
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tell people honestly if you're dating more than one person, and why;
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if you initiate a physical relationship with someone, let the other people you're dating know about that;
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if you become very romantically close to one person, decide if it's time to date exclusively.
Dating more than one person is a great way to de-intensify the beginning of a relationship, to learn more about each person you are dating, and to truly assess the health of each dating experience by having a clear basis for comparison. Remember, it's your heart which is ultimately at stake. Choose wisely!
Friday, 24 April 2009
Resolving Conflict, Creating Solutions
Many people view conflicts in a relationship as a bad sign, as if couples should not have disagreements. At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, our view is that conflicts are inevitable in intimate relationships, and moreover they can be seen as excellent opportunities for both personal and relational growth. From this perspective, conflict is not something to be avoided or minimized but rather to be embraced as a signal that something needs to change or grow in either or both people.
However, couples often have areas of conflict that cause repetitive arguments that are very difficult to resolve. If you are experiencing such conflict, you might want to try to use the following method to resolve it. If you are unable to successfully resolve the problem using these tools, though, it probably means that the issue is a deeper one which requires professional help such as Couples Therapy to resolve.
To resolve an ongoing conflict:
1. Identify the area of conflict as specifically as possible. You cannot solve a conflict which is vaguely defined.
EXAMPLES OF POORLY DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"You're a slob"
"The house is a mess"
"You always run up the credit cards"
EXAMPLES OF WELL-DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"I feel we're not working as a team on the house cleaning"
"I feel anxious because we haven't yet paid off our debts and started saving for retirement"
2. Using the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise, take turns and each of you state your feelings and thoughts on the issue.
-Take as long as it takes for you to state your position and feel that your partner has really heard you
-Just doing this Communication Exercise sometimes resolves a conflict, though not always
-Do not go on to the next step until BOTH OF YOU feel heard by the other one
3. Brainstorm at least five possible solutions, preferably more.
-Be creative!
-Don't worry about being practical; focus on generating as many solutions as possible
-Write down all the solutions
4. Go through the Solution List together and pick one that you BOTH agree to try.
-There may be one obvious solution that you both agree on
-You both may have to compromise somewhat to agree on one solution to try
-Remember that no solution is carved in stone! This is an experiment for a limited period of time that will be evaluated and changed if it does not meet both partners' needs.
5. State the Experimental Solution as specifically as possible. Write it down if you like.
EXAMPLE OF POORLY DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
"We'll put on music and clean the house when it gets dirty"
EXAMPLE OF WELL-DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
"Every Thursday night at 8:00 pm we'll both clean the house for two hours. I will vacuum the living room and clean the bathroom; you will dump the garbage and clean the kitchen floor. We'll take turns choosing music every other week to help make it more fun."
6. Agree on a specific date and time (usually within 2-4 weeks) to review how the Experimental Solution is going.
-Make sure nothing will interfere with the Solution Review
-Use the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise to review how it's going for each of you
-Decide if you want to continue implementing the Solution
-If you don't like the Solution, modify or enhance it if possible. If that's not possible, start over at the beginning of this exercise.
However, couples often have areas of conflict that cause repetitive arguments that are very difficult to resolve. If you are experiencing such conflict, you might want to try to use the following method to resolve it. If you are unable to successfully resolve the problem using these tools, though, it probably means that the issue is a deeper one which requires professional help such as Couples Therapy to resolve.
To resolve an ongoing conflict:
1. Identify the area of conflict as specifically as possible. You cannot solve a conflict which is vaguely defined.
EXAMPLES OF POORLY DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"You're a slob"
"The house is a mess"
"You always run up the credit cards"
EXAMPLES OF WELL-DEFINED CONFLICTS:
"I feel we're not working as a team on the house cleaning"
"I feel anxious because we haven't yet paid off our debts and started saving for retirement"
2. Using the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise, take turns and each of you state your feelings and thoughts on the issue.
-Take as long as it takes for you to state your position and feel that your partner has really heard you
-Just doing this Communication Exercise sometimes resolves a conflict, though not always
-Do not go on to the next step until BOTH OF YOU feel heard by the other one
3. Brainstorm at least five possible solutions, preferably more.
-Be creative!
-Don't worry about being practical; focus on generating as many solutions as possible
-Write down all the solutions
4. Go through the Solution List together and pick one that you BOTH agree to try.
-There may be one obvious solution that you both agree on
-You both may have to compromise somewhat to agree on one solution to try
-Remember that no solution is carved in stone! This is an experiment for a limited period of time that will be evaluated and changed if it does not meet both partners' needs.
5. State the Experimental Solution as specifically as possible. Write it down if you like.
EXAMPLE OF POORLY DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
"We'll put on music and clean the house when it gets dirty"
EXAMPLE OF WELL-DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
"Every Thursday night at 8:00 pm we'll both clean the house for two hours. I will vacuum the living room and clean the bathroom; you will dump the garbage and clean the kitchen floor. We'll take turns choosing music every other week to help make it more fun."
6. Agree on a specific date and time (usually within 2-4 weeks) to review how the Experimental Solution is going.
-Make sure nothing will interfere with the Solution Review
-Use the Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise to review how it's going for each of you
-Decide if you want to continue implementing the Solution
-If you don't like the Solution, modify or enhance it if possible. If that's not possible, start over at the beginning of this exercise.
Seeing Your Partner as Your Teacher
In our work with couples, one of the most universal frustrations we hear about relates to one central theme: why can’t my partner see it MY way? It usually goes something like this: I know MY way of seeing things is right, true, and correct, yet I can’t seem to get him or her to understand this! How can they be so ___________ ! (insert your favorite negative judgement of your partner here).
What is the deepest meaning of this frustration? And how can we use our awareness and wisdom to break through this judgement into deeper levels of intimacy and love?
When we fall in love, our spirits soar, and we are capable of extraordinary vision, unselfishness and sensitivity. Our normal defenses melt away and our hearts open wide. But at some point we enter another stage where our egos manage to assert themselves in the relationship. And when that happens, our concerns shift: what’s in it for me? Am I getting MY needs met? Are you really as wonderful as I thought? Are we really NOT compatible? Are we NOT as alike as I thought we were? Distance replaces the blissful union of infatuation, and instead of a host of harmonious blendings of values and ideas, differences may appear glaring. The consequence of the ego taking over is that our pure loving hearts shut down. The ego typically is afraid to surrender control, for that would mean changing. So the ego fiercely defends its turf: I am right, you are wrong. I see the truth, you are obviously deluded. We don’t do this to create problems. On the contrary, there is a profound disappointment that accompanies the loss of closeness, and at the deepest level we desire to return to that state of oneness. If we can’t spontaneously experirence that union, the next best thing is to try to change our partner and make them more like us.
But once the egos take center stage, a power struggle often begins, with each person defending their point of view instead of listening to the other with empathy and genuine concern. What can a couple do who recognizes they are in this combative energy? How can they regain their openness to love? One very important shift in attitude is to see your partner not as your adversary, but as your teacher. Remember that your partner is really the most accurate, honest mirror you have: you can rationalize to yourself, you can hide your truth from your friends, your colleagues, and even your therapist, but you cannot hide the truth of who you are from the person who lives with you every day. Whether you act heroically or like a two year old, your partner is there to witness it all. They, better than anyone else, knows your demons and angels.
So the next time your ego kicks in, ask yourself these simple questions: what lessons are here for me to learn? How can I shift into learning, receptive mode and see my partner as my beloved teacher? It all boils to this: do you want to be right, or do you want to get along? Do you want distance, or do you want intimacy? Do you want a shared companionship, or a battle for power and control? If you chose love, it can be helpful remember that while your perceptions may be DIFFERENT than your partners, they are rarely better or worse. No one in an intimate relationship has a corner on absolute truth. Everyone filters the universe through their own unique experiences, desires, and tribal backgrounds. Viva la difference! This is what creates our unique dance and enriches our relationships. In reality, you don’t want your partner to be clone of you. You need to understand your partner’s different perception of things, because for the most important issues in relationships, perception IS reality.
So adopt an attitude of curiosity and wonder as you seek to understand before being understood. Put your ego’s concerns aside, and take time to truly listen, without judgement or expectation. What IS it like for this person to be in relationship or live with me? What would it be like to see the world as they do? What does it mean that they are absolutely convinced that the way they view things is so obviously self-evident that nothing else could possible be real? Open your heart again to seeing them freshly, as if for the first time, with a humble demeanor. In doing so, you invite your partner to do the same, and you shift the energy between you from combative to collaborative. As your ego recedes, your heart opens again and you truly be present for each other as the beloved who is sharing a journey of awakening.
We can never truly put ourselves in our partner’s skin and see the world as they do. But what we can do is listen to their truth - the only truth they can possibly have – and in the process learn amazing things about ourselves: what we project, what we distort, what we need to learn to become a more loving partner. It’s not a problem if you disagree or see things differently, as long as you can honor each other’s truth. If you can listen in this way and honor each other’s truth, solutions to problems will often spontaneously emerge out of the common ground of understanding that you have created. And while you may have a special teacher that guides your spiritual life, your partner is often the best, most honest teacher of daily living and intimacy that many of us will ever have.
What is the deepest meaning of this frustration? And how can we use our awareness and wisdom to break through this judgement into deeper levels of intimacy and love?
When we fall in love, our spirits soar, and we are capable of extraordinary vision, unselfishness and sensitivity. Our normal defenses melt away and our hearts open wide. But at some point we enter another stage where our egos manage to assert themselves in the relationship. And when that happens, our concerns shift: what’s in it for me? Am I getting MY needs met? Are you really as wonderful as I thought? Are we really NOT compatible? Are we NOT as alike as I thought we were? Distance replaces the blissful union of infatuation, and instead of a host of harmonious blendings of values and ideas, differences may appear glaring. The consequence of the ego taking over is that our pure loving hearts shut down. The ego typically is afraid to surrender control, for that would mean changing. So the ego fiercely defends its turf: I am right, you are wrong. I see the truth, you are obviously deluded. We don’t do this to create problems. On the contrary, there is a profound disappointment that accompanies the loss of closeness, and at the deepest level we desire to return to that state of oneness. If we can’t spontaneously experirence that union, the next best thing is to try to change our partner and make them more like us.
But once the egos take center stage, a power struggle often begins, with each person defending their point of view instead of listening to the other with empathy and genuine concern. What can a couple do who recognizes they are in this combative energy? How can they regain their openness to love? One very important shift in attitude is to see your partner not as your adversary, but as your teacher. Remember that your partner is really the most accurate, honest mirror you have: you can rationalize to yourself, you can hide your truth from your friends, your colleagues, and even your therapist, but you cannot hide the truth of who you are from the person who lives with you every day. Whether you act heroically or like a two year old, your partner is there to witness it all. They, better than anyone else, knows your demons and angels.
So the next time your ego kicks in, ask yourself these simple questions: what lessons are here for me to learn? How can I shift into learning, receptive mode and see my partner as my beloved teacher? It all boils to this: do you want to be right, or do you want to get along? Do you want distance, or do you want intimacy? Do you want a shared companionship, or a battle for power and control? If you chose love, it can be helpful remember that while your perceptions may be DIFFERENT than your partners, they are rarely better or worse. No one in an intimate relationship has a corner on absolute truth. Everyone filters the universe through their own unique experiences, desires, and tribal backgrounds. Viva la difference! This is what creates our unique dance and enriches our relationships. In reality, you don’t want your partner to be clone of you. You need to understand your partner’s different perception of things, because for the most important issues in relationships, perception IS reality.
So adopt an attitude of curiosity and wonder as you seek to understand before being understood. Put your ego’s concerns aside, and take time to truly listen, without judgement or expectation. What IS it like for this person to be in relationship or live with me? What would it be like to see the world as they do? What does it mean that they are absolutely convinced that the way they view things is so obviously self-evident that nothing else could possible be real? Open your heart again to seeing them freshly, as if for the first time, with a humble demeanor. In doing so, you invite your partner to do the same, and you shift the energy between you from combative to collaborative. As your ego recedes, your heart opens again and you truly be present for each other as the beloved who is sharing a journey of awakening.
We can never truly put ourselves in our partner’s skin and see the world as they do. But what we can do is listen to their truth - the only truth they can possibly have – and in the process learn amazing things about ourselves: what we project, what we distort, what we need to learn to become a more loving partner. It’s not a problem if you disagree or see things differently, as long as you can honor each other’s truth. If you can listen in this way and honor each other’s truth, solutions to problems will often spontaneously emerge out of the common ground of understanding that you have created. And while you may have a special teacher that guides your spiritual life, your partner is often the best, most honest teacher of daily living and intimacy that many of us will ever have.
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