Talking to Your Teens About Sex

As I look into the faces of the real teens that come into my office, I frequently see the troubled eyes of those whose lives have been compromised because of the adverse consequences of risky sexual activity. There are many challenges involved in addressing teen sexuality - sex is a very sensitive topic and it is a topic which stirs up strong opinions.

Choices that are made without knowledge of potential consequences cannot be considered choices at all. In order to choose, one must know and understand the options. Despite attempts to provide extensive education to teens about sexuality, many adolescents are still woefully ignorant about the reality of STDs in the world today. Accordingly, it is important to consider approaches to dealing with the problem of teen sex.

Peer pressure and influence

The lifestyles and attitudes of friends have a profound impact on teens. An article in a psychology journal notes, "One of the strongest predictors of adolescent behavior is the perceived or actual behavior of friends."1 Adolescents who have close friends that are sexually involved are much more likely to become sexually involved as well. Teens frequently believe that they will gain respect from their peers and be more accepted if they are following perceived social norms, in this case if they are sexually experienced.

Teen males may perceive that they will be viewed as "more of a man" if they talk about or



become involved in sexual activity. The fear of being labeled within their peer group if they do, or do not, engage in certain activities can influence decisions and choices. Perceptions about the behavior of older teens also may have a significant impact as younger teenagers often "desire to seem older and begin adopting slightly older adolescents' behavior to seem mature."2

Because of limited life experience, teens are particularly vulnerable to being absorbed by cliques and being heavily influenced by trends and fads. Recognizing this potent force, an article in Postgraduate Medicine makes the blunt recommendation that, as part of a strategy for promoting healthy decision-making in the area of sexual involvement, physicians encourage parents to monitor their children's friends and to discourage close friendships with peers who exhibit problem behaviors.

Media messages

Not surprisingly, it has been found that adolescents who are exposed to a lot of sexual content on television are more likely to believe that intercourse outside of a marriage relationship or with multiple partners without protection against pregnancy or disease, is harmless and perhaps even desirable. These findings plainly throw into question the view that teenagers are able to fully separate the media depictions of prolific no-consequence sexual activity and their own sexual practices.

Teens are relentlessly bombarded with sexual messages and imagery in media, entertainment, advertising, and in some types of music. Parents need to be aware of the focus on sex in popular culture and must prepare their teens to deal with the onslaught of sexual imagery. They must find out what is being communicated to their offspring and must become part of the educational process. A vast amount of sometimes contradictory information is being presented to teens. It is vital that parents help their teens to develop critical thinking skills, which will allow teenagers to analyze the information they hear and will hopefully protect them from health endangering choices.

Parental guidance

While family intervention is not generally specified as a definitive approach for reducing STDs, the apparent influence that parents can have on adolescent sexual behaviors suggests that the most efficient way to decrease risky activities may be to encourage parents to become fully involved in the sexuality education of their offspring. While many may feel like bystanders in their teenagers' lives, parents must take responsibility for playing a role in the promotion of healthy lifestyles. They need to promote ongoing dialogue with their teens about relationships and sexuality. Through both teaching and active monitoring of social and other activities, they need to protect their offspring from counterproductive influences and potential abuse. And, in addition, parents need to give overt guidance regarding appropriate and safe dating relationships.

Adolescents who have a close relationship with their parents tend to be responsive to their parents' attitudes and advice about important issues including sexuality. Despite the many reasons which may cause a parent to feel uncomfortable with this topic, it is absolutely crucial that communication begins in the pre-teen years with general discussions of appropriate relationships and life goals, and that these conversations later progress to all aspects of sexuality, including STDs.

Open communication will also facilitate a parent's ability to monitor the information that their teen is hearing in the media or in educational and social settings. Remember that any discomfort experienced by parents or teens is short term. The knowledge and benefits accrued are long term.

Some factors that protect against early sexual activity:

* discussion of issues related to sexuality between parents and children
* parental monitoring of dating
* balance of committed love and moderately strict discipline in the home
* good relationship between the parents
* both parents actively and emotionally involved with teen
* good performance and motivation at school
* post-secondary educational plans
* regular religious participation
* high self-esteem
* parental monitoring of media
* close friends who avoid high-risk behaviors and who are not sexually involved
* consistent message from educators to postpone sexual activity

By talking openly to teenagers about different aspects of relationships, by discussing the potential long-term implication of early sexual involvement, and by teaching adolescents to think critically about what they see and hear, parents can empower their teens to deal with challenges and adverse influences

The decisions made by teens regarding sexual behavior will have a significant impact on the rest of their lives. Parents need to encourage adolescents to consider questions such as the following:

* Will the choices I am making today allow me to live a healthy life in the future?
* Will these choices allow me to become the person I want to be?
* Will my current lifestyle deter me from reaching my goals and dreams?

~ Dr. Stephen Genuis has worked as a full time Obstetician for many years and has had the honor of delivering more than six thousand babies. He has numerous publications in medical literature on various topics but most importantly he is Shelagh's husband and his kids' "Pa." You can order Dr. Genuis' books at Winfield House .

~ Stefanie Coutinho is the managing editor for Christian Women Today, and is proud to be the wedding singer at her best friend's wedding this summer.

1 Dolcini MM, Adler NE. Perceived competencies, peer group affiliation, and risk behavior among early adolescents. Health Psychol 1994; 13:496-506.

2 Kinsman SB, Romer D, et al. Early sexual initiation: the role of peer norms. Pediatrics 1998; 102:1185-1192.

Space in a Relationship

How much emotional space do you occupy in your relationship? Could the amount of emotional space you and your partner each take up have anything to do with whether your relationship makes it or not? Indeed it does.
Just what do I mean by "emotional space?" It's the time, energy, and space your partner spends dealing with or listening to your emotions, words, thoughts, wants, needs, etc. When it comes to the emotional space dynamic, there are three types of couples:

Type 1: One person in the relationship takes up most of the emotional space.

In this type of relationship, one partner seems to be super involved, expressing most of everything in the relationship. This person may seem extreme, emotional, needy, intense, and possessive, while the other person may appear to be uninvolved in the relationship, seeming to have hardly any needs at all.

The partner that seems super involved is typically filling up the most emotional space in the relationship, often out of fear that there will not be a relationship if the emotional space is not occupied.

Unfortunately this is a mistake. The emotional life of the relationship needs to be generated by two people as equally as possible. Otherwise, you end up with a lopsided relationship and with both people unhappy. One will be unhappy because he or she is always working on the relationship and the other one will be unhappy because he or she seemingly can't get a break from the drama.

What's more, the person who is generating the relationship will eventually get burned out and will need to stop. If the lopsided relationship has been going on for too long, it may simply fall apart.

Help for the "Type 1" Relationship

If you are the person taking up most of the emotional space, stop. By taking up most of the space, you prevent your partner from participating in the relationship. Stop taking up the space by shifting your needs outside the relationship (not infidelity). Instead of talking to your partner, talk to your friends or family or to your journal. Instead of asking for many needs to be met, ask for only some to be met, or for none to be met for a period of time.

Create a vacuum so that your partner has something to step into. It will feel strange and uncomfortable, but it is necessary discomfort. If your partner does not participate in the relationship, he or she may look for more connection elsewhere.

Get help in learning how to stop taking up so much emotional space. Hire a good therapist or a relationship coach to work on this. You may also need help as a couple in learning how to share the emotional space and in teaching your partner how to take up more space.

Type 2: Both partners alternate in how much emotional space they occupy, with one person always taking up too much.

This type of relationship is a version of Type 1 above except the couple is more intertwined and involved with each other. This is a positive for the couple.

Yet often when the amount of emotional space partners take up alternates, the amount of drama alternates as well, never subsiding. A couple who frequently deals with drama gets exhausted and burned out and never achieves the closeness and connection they crave.

Help for the "Type 2" Relationship

Stop the drama. The key for both of you is to tone down all of your emotions, needs, wants, upsets, etc. The second key is to make sure your partner stays involved at all times. These steps may sound simple, but in fact are difficult to do. Get help from a coach or a therapist on how to stop the drama and balance your relationship.

Type 3: Neither person in the relationship takes up much or any emotional space.

This is a relationship where people reach a particular level and stay there. They may enjoy each other's company, perhaps see each other on a regular basis, and they may even be intimate.They might have been together for a long time or may even be living together or married. Yet they do not move deeper into each other's emotional lives.

For some people this type of relationship is more than satisfying, more than enough. For others, this kind of relationship is only a satisfactory prelude to the real depth any couple is capable of reaching together. If you are in this type of relationship and it works for you, great. But, if you are in this type of relationship and you want more, here's a solution.

Help for the "Type 3" Relationship

If you are in a relationship where neither one of you takes up too much emotional space, the two of you will eventually simply drift away. If you want to keep the relationship, it's time to both invest more and invite your partner to invest more as well.

But be careful not to cross over into a Type 1 relationship and take up all of the emotional space. Do go slowly, perhaps begin by sharing some small part of yourself that you have been holding back. Be a bit more open, and bit more authentic in your responses. Take small emotional risks and see if your partner will follow.

Do be aware that your partner may not want to follow you into deeper emotional waters -- some people are highly uncomfortable being close. If this is the case, you will need to choose whether you want to continue the relationship or not. You will need to decide how emotionally close a relationship you ultimately want to have with your life mate.

Type 4: Both people in the relationship take up enough emotional space to feel connected and loved.

Obviously this is what a healthy relationship looks like. One aspect of a healthy relationship is that both people can stay involved emotionally and flow in the amount of space each one takes at any given time. Some periods of time may be predominantly about one person, while most of the time the couple will stay fairly balanced. Neither partner will shut out the other or be too far removed emotionally from the relationship at any given time.

As in all other things, when it comes to relationships, balance seems to be the key. Work on balancing the amount of emotional space you take up in your relationship so that both of you get the room you need to be yourself.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

©Rinatta Paries. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit http://www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

Coping with Change

It’s been said that the only constant in our world today is change. As we look back over our marriage to this point, we would have to agree.

We have faced our fair share of uncertainty, surprises and transitions. In a period of just eight years, we experienced:

* A move into our dream home, which Denise had designed
* The loss of this home, along with a business
* Three forced changes of careers
* A move away from our family and friends in Northern Ontario to Toronto then to Vancouver
* The loss of Denise’s father to leukemia in 6 weeks

The words “imposed change” were part of the fabric of our life, and on the stress scale, we should not have made it as a couple.

Coping with change is never easy. Most of us resist it, because we are comfortable and secure in our world as we know it. And yet, if change is an inevitable reality of life (and it is), then we’d better be prepared to respond when the unexpected comes knocking on our door.

We’d like to share with you some principles for dealing with change, which we developed as we moved through these experiences. Because change comes in countless different forms, every situation is unique. Nevertheless, these lessons will be helpful for you to keep in mind and adapt to whatever circumstances you may face.

1. Recognize That You are in Change

As we have said, most of us have a natural aversion to change. We have a tendency to want to stick our heads in the sand and hope that it will go away by the time we come up for air.

This strategy may provide short-term relief, but it never helps in the long-run. Denial does not make our problems disappear; instead it usually makes things worse by giving us less time to think through a reasoned response. Instead, when unexpected circumstances arise, it is best to face them head on.

2. Honestly Face Your Fears

Not every person has the same tolerance to risk. Some adventurous souls actually relish the adventure of new situations. Others like their life exactly as it is: nice and predictable. For these people, the idea of change produces fear. We recommend developing an accountability relationship with another person. An accountability partner can give you the encouragement you need to press on.

3. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!

John Kotter, Management Consultant and Author, writes that one error leaders make during times of change is that they underestimate the issue of communication by a factor of 10. Certainly the same is true of couples. In order to successfully navigate change as a couple, it is vital that you be on the same page with one another. You need to know how your spouse feels about the impending transition. You also need one another’s wisdom and ideas as you explore all of your options.

If you are approaching a major change in your life, set aside a special date night to talk through the issues with your spouse. Coping with change is difficult enough when we are united; it is much harder when we are pulling in different directions.

4. Take Stock of Your Resources

Anytime unforeseen circumstances arise, a key step is to evaluate the resources you have at your disposal as you deal with the issue. Depending on the specific situation you are facing, your relevant resources could include finances, time, skills, or even other people in your life that can help you through the adjustment.

At times, change might require you to make some tough decisions, like perhaps re-working your budget. For us, it meant the sale of our dream home, to pay off debt. You may need to seek some outside counsel from someone on this.

5. Anticipate Stress

Change is rarely easy; it is often a source of great stress. To make matters worse, you and your spouse may deal with it completely differently. We would suggest that both of you obtain an assessment on your individual styles and how you each handle stress. This will help you to understand one another’s stress reactions and will enable you to work together more effectively.

Times of intense pressure can either pull you together or push you apart. Stress will come, and you need to ensure that it does not divide and conquer.

Related Reading:
Enthusiastically Embrace Change
A Different Road







~Bruce Gordon has been involved in a number of organizations in ownership and senior administrative positions. He is an advisor on the Birkman Method for Leadership Development to the President of Campus Crusade for Christ International and a senior advisor to Dr. Roger Birkman, Birkman International Inc. He is also a senior resource on leadership transition to Power To Change Ministries. Bruce and his wife Denise speak at Family Life Marriage Conferences.