Ten Tips for having a Smart Marriage

1. Marriage matters. Married people & their kids do better on all measures of health, wealth, happiness, & success. And, married folks report having more & better sex than single or divorced people.

2. It's not the differences but how we handle them that separate successful marriages from the failures. Disagreeing doesn’t predict divorce. Stonewalling, avoidance, contempt, criticism, and the silent treatment predict divorce. Learn how to disagree in ways that help you fall more in love.

3. All happily married couples have approximately ten irreconcilable differences - ten issues they will never resolve. If we switch partners, we just get ten new issues that are likely to be even more annoying and complicated. Sadly, if there are children from an earlier marriage or relationship, disagreements about them go to the top of the list. What's important is to discuss our own set of issues just as we would discuss how to manage living with a chronic bad back or trick knee. We wish they weren't there, but what’s important is to keep talking about how to manage them and still do the marriage “dance”.

4. Love is not an absolute (a yes or no situation) and it’s not limited substance. It's a feeling and feelings ebb and flow depending on how we treat each other. We can learn new ways to interact and the feelings “of being in love” can come flowing back, often stronger than before.

5. Marital satisfaction often dips with the birth of a baby. That's normal. Marital satisfaction is at its lowest when there are kids in the house between 11 and 16. That's normal. We need to know what to expect, appreciate our parenting partner – and hang in. It makes good sense to stay married for the sake of the kids - and for our own sake. Even with the challenges, it’s a lot easier to be a parenting team than to be a single, divorced, or remarried parent. Plus there is a silver lining: satisfaction goes back up with the empty nest. The final stage of marriage – with a job well done – is the real honeymoon period.

6. Sex ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. That's normal. Plan for & make time for more “flows”.

7. Creating good marital sex is not about putting the sizzle BACK INTO your sex life. Early marital sex is sex between strangers – we don't yet know our partner or ourselves. The most passionate sex is intimate sex based on knowing our partner and letting them know us. One of the most important tasks of marriage is to develop a satisfying marital sex style. It's not about going BACK; it's about going FORWARD, together.

8. Repair attempts are crucial and are highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic, but the willingness to make up after an argument, is central to every happy marriage.

9. Learn to welcome, embrace and integrate change – to discuss and update your wishes, hopes & dreams – on a regular basis. We often “interview” each other before marriage and then think "that's it." The marriage vow is a promise to stay married, not to stay the same. (Thank goodness!) Keep up-to-date with changes in your partner. Don’t fear changes, celebrate them!

10. Try several different marriage education courses. Become informed consumers – rate the courses, discuss what you liked best – which ideas were most helpful. Decide which courses to recommend to your kids, friends and family – which to give as wedding, anniversary and new baby gifts. The courses don't tell you what kind of marriage to have. That's up to you. They give you the tools – the hammers, screwdrivers, and levels – so you can build the kind of marriage that suits you, one which can help you to negotiate, and renegotiate, your own values, meaning, and goals.

Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce

Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying to do all you can to make your marriage work. Depending on how your marriage was prior to thinking that you had a marriage problem, you could be in for a hurtful time if you don't take a step back and look at your marriage problem from a "helicopter" viewpoint. To do that, you're going to need to try to limit your emotional stake in the situation which admittedly is a difficult thing to do.

The first step in getting over a marriage problem is to remember that you aren't alone, lots of couples have marriage problems that stem from all kinds of different types of behavior.

Here's a partial list of marriage problems that you may or may not be experiencing:

Marriage problem #1:

Lack of sexual intimacy - a serious issue that you must work through in my opinion if your going to work it out.

Marriage problem #2:

Exploding during an argument, getting too emotional and letting your temper get the best of you - you need to learn to work together and you can't do that if one of you is getting too heated.

Marriage problem #3:

Being selfish - eventually this will catch up to you. You should always think of your partner when you think of yourself.

Marriage problem #4:

Being dishonest - another serious issue. If you cannot be 100% honest and open with your mate, you're marriage is most likely doomed or at the very least unhappy.

Marriage problem #5:

Teasing too much - generally the husband does this but it could go either way. If there's a little bit of truth to the teasing or there's a greater marriage problem that incites the teasing, you could be in for a long road to recovery together. Chances are that you'll have a lot more work to do to correct this marriage problem.

Marriage problem #6:

Not respecting your spouse - this marriage problem can result in all types of other problems. If you are experiencing this you must get to the root of this and figure out why the disrespect is present. If you aren't getting the every day respect that you deserve, make it a priority to not let this go on another day.

Marriage problem #7:

Not being attentive to your spouse or not listening to your spouse - men are usually guilty of this marriage problem but is isn't exclusive to the weaker gender by any means. Really listening doesn't mean obeying, it means understanding what's important to your spouse and acting accordingly.

Obviously there are many other things that could be labeled a "marriage problem", you have to decide what those are as they pertain to your situation.

So, how do you figure out if a marriage problem or problems are severe enough to warrant a divorce?

You should first examine what your marriage problem actually is and decide if it is exclusively a problem for you or if it is something that you both consider to be a marriage problem. If you are the only one who sees the said action as a marriage problem, you have to decide whether or not that specific marriage problem is being caused by you or whether it is truly a problem brought on by your spouse. If the marriage problem is unique to you, seek some help from a counselor and do yourself the courtesy of trying to correct the problem before you believe that you need to run right out and get a divorce. You'll be a better person for it because you will have fixed something within yourself.

However, if you truly believe that the marriage problem is caused and prolonged by your spouse, sit down with yourself first and examine what you believe to be the root cause of the behavior that creates the marriage problem. Make sure that you are being logical when you identify the behavior that you feel is causing the marriage problem and try to recall if the traits or behavior that you've identified in your spouse are 'fixable' in your mind...assuming of course, that your spouse will agree that you are right.

Next, approach your spouse with the information that you've reflected on and try to talk through the cause of the marriage problem. Hopefully your spouse will be open to constructive discussion regarding the marriage problem so you can work through it together. If you cannot do work on the marriage problem together, seek the help of a mediator or marriage counselor so you can actually talk out the marriage problem logically. If you cannot work it out after counseling, other divorce advice, deep self-reflection and discussions, you should be able to decide whether or not the marriage problem warrants a divorce or not.

Of course, no one can decide this but you.

Karl Augustine

What to do when your teenager will not accept your advice.

have recently been working with a lot of parent clients who appear to have a theme going on with their teenagers and that theme is letting go, so I thought I would write a bit about that.

These clients are successful women who absolutely want the best for their children, as long as it fits in with their idea of what is best. When it comes to their child making a decision which is not what they expected, they find it very difficult to let their child be with this decision. In some instances they use very underhand strategies to have their child not make this decision. A lot of the time they e-mail me, telling me what they are about to do, asking if it is the right thing to do. I always say that it depends upon the intention behind it. If the intention is to have them change their minds, then no; if the intention is to just give them information, then yes. Needleless to say, they realise very quickly that their intentions are not of the highest.

You see, parenting or being a leader to your child is all about your view, your intentions, your speech and your actions. When all of these are in line, authentic and for the higher good of yourself and your child, then you have hit gold. However to do this, the biggest thing you have do first is let go of your way being the right way. There are many ways to achieve the same result and just because you did it this way does not mean they have to.

So how do you let go? What do you do if your child will not listen to your advice?

Here are some tips for you out of my book

1. They are not you!

Check in with yourself, makes sure that you are not trying to live the life you did not have through your teenager. Your teenager is not you, they are their own person and that is how you need to treat them. You are not raising a teenager to lead the life you want them to or do the job/profession that you think is acceptable. You are raising a unique individual. Let them be that. Make a list now of all the things you want for your teenager, the job you would want them to have, the life you would want them to lead and then throw it away. Ask yourself a better question. "How do I want my child to feel while they are living their life?" You will realise that really, you just want them to be happy and who knows how to make them happier than themselves!

2. Get over the story!

Get over the story you are telling yourselves because they do not listen to your advice. Yes, you will be telling yourself one. Every tiny mistake your teenager makes, you will be assuming the worst. Confront this story head on, that way it has no power over you and you begin to make decisions based on the truth as it is now, rather than a number of made up situations in your head. When you feel yourself panicking and thinking of the worse possible outcomes, get a pen and paper and write down the story you are telling yourself. Read it again and again until you realise how ridiculous it is, then throw it away.

3. Manage yourself first

Bringing up a child, remember, is all about managing yourself first. Note to self -- all the worrying is all about you really, not your child. Look at your own feelings and worries about your child and ask what you can do to ease them. What support do you need, what systems do you need to put in place? Be honest with yourself; teenagers have a great habit of bringing up their parents "stuff", so look at yourself first and get down and dirty with what is up for you.

4. You are the same, but different.

Just because your teenager may be making what you think is the wrong decision, it does not mean that things will end up how you think they will. Make a list of all the ways that you and your teenager are the same and all the ways that you and your teenager are different. How might your teenager deal with the situation in a different way to you? What skills do they have that will help them in this situation? Have they dealt with similar situations before that have had a positive ending? What comfort can you gain by examining how they have dealt with situations in the past?

5. Open up to possibilities

Get storming. Brainstorm all the possible outcomes of the decisions they are making. We mostly panic when we think that there is only one choice or one way for something to end up. Open your mind to the other possibilities. Get a piece of paper and a pen now and think of at least 20 possible outcomes to the situation, now think of another 10. For extra brownies points, ask your teen how they think this situation will turn out.

6. Support

Now you can see this situation more clearly. Step yourself out of rescue mode -- yes, things may go wrong and that is OK - and into support mode. Start asking your teen what support they need, rather than trying to butt in and influence their decisions. Look at the five areas of support and ask yourself how you fare. Be brave and ask your teen how they think you fare. When your teen is making decisions, think of support questions that you can ask around the 5 areas.

Financial Emotional Physical Intellectual Spiritual

7. Allow your teen to talk

Spend time just listening and I mean really listening to your teenager; their hopes, their fears. Keep your lips shut and just listen. Make every day a learning opportunity where you will learn how great your teen is just by listening to them. Start with 5 minutes a day and keep upping, it heading for an ultimate of 30-60 minutes. And if there is no way they will speak with you for that long, don't worry, just listen intently in the time you have.

8. Let the greatness shine through.

Look at your teen with different eyes and see how great they are, believe that they can and will make the right decisions. Step back, get off their case and stop trying to influence them. Give them A+ in decision-making and know that they will shine if only you allow them. This is, after all, why they listen to their friends so much, because they believe in them.