There is a Real Difference Between Hearing and Listening

Hearing takes place when something disturbs the atmosphere and that disturbance takes the form of pressure waves that strike our ear drums as sound.

It's the way we perceive sound.

Listening is different. It expands on hearing when we pay attention to the meaning of what we hear. For example, a truck just rolled by on the road in front of our house. I (Jim ) heard the noisy rumble, knew what it was, and after that paid no attention whatever.

We do that when we're merely hearing the words someone else is speaking. They're just vibrations in the atmosphere. We nod, smile, perhaps even respond, but are we listening? Hardly. Listening requires that we open to the meaning of the other person's words, that we -- in a very real way -- enter into the experience those words are meant to convey.

It's no longer just about sound but about the thoughts, feelings, point of view, expectations, memories, sensations, beliefs -- the whole of the other person -- or at least as much of the whole as is available in the moment.

Wanting to be understood

One simple way to understand listening is to ask yourself -- what do I want from the other person when I want to be understood? What we want most is to be appreciated. Not just heard, technically, but to feel like the other person gets us.

In his book "Stranger in a Strange Land", Robert Heinlein coined the word "grok." It's pronounced GRAHK, and it means to understand something so well that you fully absorb it into yourself. You know it through and through. You get it.

That's how we feel when we travel. We grok each other. Therefore there's no need for many words because we hear and listen -- body and being.
Listening is not automatic.

It takes practice.

It takes intention.

The most important quality of listening is that you allow yourself to step aside and be mindful of the other's experience. That doesn't mean you have to abandon your own point of view. You merely set it aside for the time you are listening so you can be available to what wants to be communicated.

When you listen, truly listen, the rewards are immediate. Because the better you listen the better you are appreciated. The better you appreciate the other. The better you are connected. The better your relationship.

Relinquish your defenses

One simple and effective way to practice listening is to relinquish your defenses. It goes like this:

When you feel like you need to protect yourself from something your partner is saying or something your partner wants from you that's the time to relax your point of view and listen. We know that sounds counter-intuitive. But it works.

We're not saying you have to abandon what you're feeling or thinking. Not at all. In fact you shouldn't, because that would mean an abdication of self which leads to resentment and usually blaming the other. What you do is relax and just listen to your partner's point of view.

What you will find is that he or she has some truth to what he or she is saying or wanting. Also, because you're feeling defensive, some part of your position is flawed. If it weren't, you wouldn't feel vulnerable and under threat and needing to defend yourself against you partner. After all, if you were in the right, there would be no need for concern.

But defensiveness is always an indication that something about your point of view is not quite on point.

When you open to your partner, you can discover what it is about your position that needs to change -- for your own empowered growth AND the betterment of your relationship. And that's the reward.

You haven't lost -- even if your partner gets what he or she wants -- because the change benefits you and it's for the betterment of your relationship. Listening is about dialogue. And dialogue is about connection. And connection fosters deeper intimacy and a closer bond. And it's ultimately very romantic.

Start practicing today and let us know what happens!



More on relationships:

Can he trust you?

Learning to forgive your spouse



~ Husband-and-wife psychology team Judith Sherven, PhD and James Sniechowski, PhD, are the bestselling authors of The Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams and three other relationship books.

Be sure to get their free teleseminar, "Keeping Romance Alive" just go to www.judithandjim.com

For a free excerpt from The Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams go to www.smartweddingcouples.com

21 Keys to a Happy Life

1. Compliment three people every day.
2. Watch a sunrise.
3. Be the first to say "Hello."
4. Live beneath your means.
5. Treat everyone as you want to be treated.
6. Never give up on anybody; miracles happen.
7. Forget the Jones'.
8. Remember someone's name.
9. Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage.
10. Be tough-minded, but tender hearted.
11. Be kinder than you have to be.
12. Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.
13. Keep your promises.
14. Show cheerfulness even when you don't feel it.
15. Remember that overnight success usually takes 15 years.
16. Leave everything better than you found it.
17. Remember that winners do what losers don't want to do.
18. When you arrive at your job in the morning, let the first thing you say brighten everyone's day.
19. Don't rain on other people's parades.
20. Don't waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
21. Keep some things to yourself and don't promote havoc by hurting people you love.

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We all laugh. We all hurt. We all make mistakes. We all dream. That's life. It's a journey. And God has a message for the journey–a message of His incredible love and His power to change our lives. Please click here to let God make the journey of your life a JOURNEY OF JOY!

Follow the Golden Rules

At a recent wedding reception we met a delightful couple who had just celebrated their 54th wedding anniversary. They were in their eighties, but you could have fooled us! Articulate. Charming. And the way they smiled at each other was more like the bridal pair than an older married couple.

They had just finished reading our book, THE SECOND HALF OF MARRIAGE. We were really impressed -- especially when they said they were still learning about each other and how to please one another! We looked at each other and without saying a word realized we had discovered new marriage mentors.

Actually, for years we have been influenced by the writings and friendship of Drs. David and Vera Mace. The Maces initiated the marriage enrichment movement in Protestant churches, along with Father Calvo, who started Marriage Encounter. From their experience as behavioural scientists, marriage counsellors, and educators, the Maces realized that by the time those with troubled marriages seek help, it is often too late. So on their fortieth wedding anniversary, they started the Association of Couples in Marriage Enrichment, an international organization for the advancement of marriage enrichment.

We'll never forget the first time we met the Maces. We were participating in a training conference in Black Mountain, North Carolina. The first evening we ate dinner with David and Vera. We immediately observed a twinkle in their eyes as they looked at each other. The spark in their relationship was contagious and before the conference was over we both agreed that we had found a living model of what we wanted for our marriage.

Do you know such a couple? If not, our best advice is, look around for one! If you want to have a long, happy marriage look around for other couples who have gone before you and built a successful, long-term relationship. And when a couple who has been married happily for fifty-plus years talks, listen!

Dear Abby helps us do that with a list of Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage from a couple who reached their 50th anniversary and successfully made their marriage a promise for life. See how many of these are rules you live by:

1. Never both be angry at the same time.
2. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.
3. If one of you has to win an argument, let it be your mate.
4. If you must criticize, do it lovingly.
5. Never bring up mistakes of the past.
6. Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
7. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.
8. At least once every day say a kind or complimentary work to your life partner.
9. When you have done something wrong, admit it and ask for forgiveness.
10. Remember it takes two to make a quarrel.

Someone else said the difference between a successful marriage and an unsuccessful one is leaving just a few things unsaid each day. So we close this Marriage Builder with the sage advice from Odgen Nash:

"To keep love brimming in the loving cup, When you're wrong admit it and when you're right shut up!"

~ David and Claudia Arp are the founders and directors of Marriage Alive International http://www.marriagealive.com They conduct seminars across the United States and Europe and have written over 15 books dealing with marriage and family enrichment. They have three married adult sons, five grandchildren, and live in Knoxville, Tenn.

-reprinted with permission from the ZONDERVAN PUBLISHING HOUSE E-MAIL ALERT SERVICE newsletter