Talking to Your Teens About Sex

As I look into the faces of the real teens that come into my office, I frequently see the troubled eyes of those whose lives have been compromised because of the adverse consequences of risky sexual activity. There are many challenges involved in addressing teen sexuality - sex is a very sensitive topic and it is a topic which stirs up strong opinions.

Choices that are made without knowledge of potential consequences cannot be considered choices at all. In order to choose, one must know and understand the options. Despite attempts to provide extensive education to teens about sexuality, many adolescents are still woefully ignorant about the reality of STDs in the world today. Accordingly, it is important to consider approaches to dealing with the problem of teen sex.

Peer pressure and influence

The lifestyles and attitudes of friends have a profound impact on teens. An article in a psychology journal notes, "One of the strongest predictors of adolescent behavior is the perceived or actual behavior of friends."1 Adolescents who have close friends that are sexually involved are much more likely to become sexually involved as well. Teens frequently believe that they will gain respect from their peers and be more accepted if they are following perceived social norms, in this case if they are sexually experienced.

Teen males may perceive that they will be viewed as "more of a man" if they talk about or



become involved in sexual activity. The fear of being labeled within their peer group if they do, or do not, engage in certain activities can influence decisions and choices. Perceptions about the behavior of older teens also may have a significant impact as younger teenagers often "desire to seem older and begin adopting slightly older adolescents' behavior to seem mature."2

Because of limited life experience, teens are particularly vulnerable to being absorbed by cliques and being heavily influenced by trends and fads. Recognizing this potent force, an article in Postgraduate Medicine makes the blunt recommendation that, as part of a strategy for promoting healthy decision-making in the area of sexual involvement, physicians encourage parents to monitor their children's friends and to discourage close friendships with peers who exhibit problem behaviors.

Media messages

Not surprisingly, it has been found that adolescents who are exposed to a lot of sexual content on television are more likely to believe that intercourse outside of a marriage relationship or with multiple partners without protection against pregnancy or disease, is harmless and perhaps even desirable. These findings plainly throw into question the view that teenagers are able to fully separate the media depictions of prolific no-consequence sexual activity and their own sexual practices.

Teens are relentlessly bombarded with sexual messages and imagery in media, entertainment, advertising, and in some types of music. Parents need to be aware of the focus on sex in popular culture and must prepare their teens to deal with the onslaught of sexual imagery. They must find out what is being communicated to their offspring and must become part of the educational process. A vast amount of sometimes contradictory information is being presented to teens. It is vital that parents help their teens to develop critical thinking skills, which will allow teenagers to analyze the information they hear and will hopefully protect them from health endangering choices.

Parental guidance

While family intervention is not generally specified as a definitive approach for reducing STDs, the apparent influence that parents can have on adolescent sexual behaviors suggests that the most efficient way to decrease risky activities may be to encourage parents to become fully involved in the sexuality education of their offspring. While many may feel like bystanders in their teenagers' lives, parents must take responsibility for playing a role in the promotion of healthy lifestyles. They need to promote ongoing dialogue with their teens about relationships and sexuality. Through both teaching and active monitoring of social and other activities, they need to protect their offspring from counterproductive influences and potential abuse. And, in addition, parents need to give overt guidance regarding appropriate and safe dating relationships.

Adolescents who have a close relationship with their parents tend to be responsive to their parents' attitudes and advice about important issues including sexuality. Despite the many reasons which may cause a parent to feel uncomfortable with this topic, it is absolutely crucial that communication begins in the pre-teen years with general discussions of appropriate relationships and life goals, and that these conversations later progress to all aspects of sexuality, including STDs.

Open communication will also facilitate a parent's ability to monitor the information that their teen is hearing in the media or in educational and social settings. Remember that any discomfort experienced by parents or teens is short term. The knowledge and benefits accrued are long term.

Some factors that protect against early sexual activity:

* discussion of issues related to sexuality between parents and children
* parental monitoring of dating
* balance of committed love and moderately strict discipline in the home
* good relationship between the parents
* both parents actively and emotionally involved with teen
* good performance and motivation at school
* post-secondary educational plans
* regular religious participation
* high self-esteem
* parental monitoring of media
* close friends who avoid high-risk behaviors and who are not sexually involved
* consistent message from educators to postpone sexual activity

By talking openly to teenagers about different aspects of relationships, by discussing the potential long-term implication of early sexual involvement, and by teaching adolescents to think critically about what they see and hear, parents can empower their teens to deal with challenges and adverse influences

The decisions made by teens regarding sexual behavior will have a significant impact on the rest of their lives. Parents need to encourage adolescents to consider questions such as the following:

* Will the choices I am making today allow me to live a healthy life in the future?
* Will these choices allow me to become the person I want to be?
* Will my current lifestyle deter me from reaching my goals and dreams?

~ Dr. Stephen Genuis has worked as a full time Obstetician for many years and has had the honor of delivering more than six thousand babies. He has numerous publications in medical literature on various topics but most importantly he is Shelagh's husband and his kids' "Pa." You can order Dr. Genuis' books at Winfield House .

~ Stefanie Coutinho is the managing editor for Christian Women Today, and is proud to be the wedding singer at her best friend's wedding this summer.

1 Dolcini MM, Adler NE. Perceived competencies, peer group affiliation, and risk behavior among early adolescents. Health Psychol 1994; 13:496-506.

2 Kinsman SB, Romer D, et al. Early sexual initiation: the role of peer norms. Pediatrics 1998; 102:1185-1192.

Spicy Sex

At 16, I had been kissed, but never reciprocated. When I finally encountered a guy I actually wanted to kiss, I called on my best friend for advice. "Close your eyes, open your mouth and it's a done deal," she said.

When the opportunity for my first real kiss showed up, I leaned in. He closed his eyes; I closed mine. He opened his mouth; I froze. Nothing happened. In fact, the only thing I could do was grab my shoes and run out the front door towards a bus stop. The ride home was a blur. That night, I learned kissing doesn't come naturally. Today, I know that neither does sex.

Love that lastsThe older I get, the more I realize good things take time. If I plan to stay married, have fun and build a strong family, I have to put effort into my relationship. And if I want us to be a strong couple, sex must be a priority. We need to keep it fresh and exciting. How do we do that?

Let's talk about sex, baby.

Many couples only talk about sex right before, during, or just after they have it. Why is that? If sex is a major part of marriage, why don't we talk about it more often?

The foundation for great sex is an intimate relationship with your partner. That it turn comes from open, honest communication. Turn off the TV, close your book, and talk. Talk about your expectations; talk about what you like and what you don't; talk about what you want. If we wait until we're having sex to vent our frustrations, desires, inadequacies or insecurities, it takes away from the experience.

I'm too sexy for my man.

We often go to great lengths to impress others – colleagues, friends, even acquaintances – but we forget to take the same care for the person who matters most. Ask your husband what he finds attractive. Does he like it when you dress up? Does lipstick turn him on? And perfume? Or does he prefer you au naturel? If you're comfortable with his suggestions, go ahead, tempt him. He'll appreciate it and you'll both reap the benefits.

My girl wants to party all the time.

Most men think about sex about 39 times a day. Most women don't. No wonder when your husband asks you if you want to "go upstairs" you might reply "What for?" Preparing for sex builds excitment. Giving it some thought ahead of time can help make the experience more enjoyable. Think of it as getting ready for a party.

When throwing a party, we women go to great lengths. We remember the tiniest details. Not only do we sweep, scrub and decorate the house, we make sure we look and feel fabulous ourselves. Do we take the same care preparing for the party in our bedroom?

Since sex is one of life's keenest pleasures, a little extra care in planning will heighten our anticipation and enhance our experience. Some couples add ambiance with candles and sparking nectars. Others have fun with scavenger hunts leading up to the bedroom. Experiment with ways to spice things up. Be daring, while ensuring both of you still enjoy yourselves.

Are we having fun yet?

Finally, laughter is truly the best medicine. Learn to laugh at yourself, even in the bedroom. Enjoy each other. Don't be too serious. Let your conversation be playful and your heart light. Sex was created for pleasure; it's a gift the two of you share. Enjoy it as one of the benefits of a fulfilling marriage.

~ Married for eight years, Erin Ursel says combining Smarties and sex is a surefire way to spice up your sex life. She and her husband Cliff have two children, and are assistant pastors at World Harvest Church in Richmond, Canada. Erin is also a songwriter.

To add spice to your marriage, attend a FamilyLife seminar or Marriage Encounter weekend in your area.

Related Reading:

Looking for love in all the wrong places

The Best Sex Ever

Advice on sex from Dr. Ginger

Emotional Abuse Seemed Better Than Being Lonely

Love – the answer to loneliness. That's what I was looking for. All I wanted was someone to love me, that I could love in return.

Born into a happy family, my early life was relatively simple and pain-free. My siblings and I did not lack for anything we needed, though we were never wealthy. As a teenager, I realized how good I had it compared to my friends, many of whom didn't come from loving home situations.

Then I entered university, and I discovered loneliness. I was looking for someone who would love me more than they loved anyone else; I figured the thing I needed was a husband.

Toward the end of my undergraduate years, I began dating a man who was the brother of one of my best friends during my teen years. We became reacquainted and married shortly thereafter. It was not a healthy relationship before or after the wedding. He was a violent, angry man who came from an abusive home. I ignored the warning bells going off in my head during our courtship and married him largely because I was afraid of him--and because I was so very lonely.

I thought I could change him; that things would be different once we were married. The marriage lasted four and a half years. The decision to divorce my husband was a very difficult one to make.

The emotional and psychological abuse I suffered from my husband left me very empty. There was almost nothing of me left. What was the point of living if I had to live with a man that was killing me from the inside out? Though lacking the courage, I thought often about taking my own life. I considered divorce the lesser evil to letting myself be subjected further to my husband's abuse.

So life got better after that, right? In many ways, yes, it did.

You see, as a child I had made a decision that had an impact on every situation in my life. My family and my home were happy and full of love because Jesus was there. As a child, I had asked Him to come into my life and change me. All I did was ask Him.

After my divorce, I grew closer to God in ways that I could not have had I not gone through that experience. My self-esteem grew again, and my creativity returned. Yet I still kept searching for someone to love me, someone who I could love in return.

I made many, many new friends (men and women) during and after this very rough time of my life, all of them wonderful Christian people. But still, very deep inside of me, I was lonely. I couldn't figure out why He wasn't answering my prayers for me (at least, that's how it seemed to me), but would abundantly answer my prayers for others. Finally, after meeting yet another great guy and being disappointed again, I came to a startling realization.

I have always known that Jesus loves me more than anyone else ever could. But I think it was more of an intellectual knowing than a whole mind/body/spirit knowing. During a Bible study one night, I listened to the story of a girl in our group. Despite being diagnosed with a brain tumour, she was so excited and so radiant with love for God. I was a bit jealous because I knew I didn't love Him like that . . . but I wanted to.

In the Bible, in Psalm 42:1, it says, "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul longs for you, O God." I didn't long for God. I thought, "Why would I need to since I already have Him in my life?"

I thought I needed a human partner. But then, in a very quiet, patient voice, He said to me, "Your desire is not for me first of all. Delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart." I realized that the love I was seeking had been there all along.

Now I know with my whole being that God loves me more than anyone else ever could-- that He will never take His love away from me or disappoint me, that He will never die on me or go away. Jesus already died for me so that we could be reunited. He rose from the dead, He's alive and His love for me is greater than anything I can imagine! I didn't know I could love anyone so much!

Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.