Compatibility is not a state in which you begin a marriage, but rather it's a goal to be achieved. Another way to look at matrimony and compatibility is: We fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character. How have you changed since you were first married? Research reveals we become more compatible with our mates through learning to adapt to each other.
You can't change your basic personality, but you can change your behavior. In reviewing our marriage history, we realized we really have changed and adapted to each other over the years. What about you? Why not look back in your memory archives and see how you've changed and progressed toward compatibility.
1. Take two sheets of paper and each list the ways you were similar when you first were married. You might list attitudes, belief system, interest, desires and so on.
2. Write down the areas in which you were different -- the areas you were less compatible.
3. Think about which of your differences have given you the most trouble over the years. Have you made progress in resolving, or positively accepting, these differences?
4. What changes have you made in adapting to each other?
5. What reasonable changes do you still need to make?
Take some time to share your lists with each other. Discuss how you have worked on your differences over the years. Have you grown and changed for the better in the process?
You may find that while your similarities provided a foundation for your life together, real growth has come mainly from working through your differences. The key is to remember that wherever you are now, you can keep adapting and moving closer to your mate. Remember, compatibility is not a state of being, but rather a goal to work for!
~ David and Claudia Arp are the founders and directors of Marriage Alive International. They conduct seminars across the United States and Europe and have written over 15 books dealing with marriage and family enrichment. They have three married adult sons, five grandchildren, and live in Knoxville, Tenn.
-reprinted with permission from the ZONDERVAN PUBLISHING HOUSE E-MAIL ALERT SERVICE newsletter. http://www.zondervan.com
Sunday 12 April 2009
How Much Do You Know About Your Mate
How much do you really know about your mate? Most couples tend to talk about everything except themselves, so you may be surprised to discover how much you don't know about your mate's personal likes and dislikes -- no matter how long you've been married. To discover what your mate is thinking and to find out personal preferences, play the game "Try Me."
Either can start the game. Ask a question about yourself which the other must try to answer, such as, "Tell me how I would spend an evening if I could do anything I wanted."
The game's purpose, of course, is to deepen your knowledge of each other. The subjects may range from heavy ("Tell me my position on assisted suicide") to light ("Tell me my favorite flavor of gum"). Here are some questions to get your started.
1. What subject would I like to study?
2. What comic strips do I read regularly?
3. Which place I would visit first in a strange city -- the museum or the shopping mall?
4. Who's the funniest person I know?
5. What are some of my favorite sayings?
6. What is favorite color? Food? Season of the year?
Once you get started, you may have trouble stopping. At least you'll end the game with some new insights about your mate. Why not try it and find out for yourself?
~ David and Claudia Arp, MSW, founders of Marriage Alive Seminars, are marriage educators, columnists and authors of numerous books and small group video curriculum including The Second Half of Marriage and 10 Great Dates (Zondervan) Website: www.marriagealive.com
For more information on enriching your relationships, visit Family Life
Either can start the game. Ask a question about yourself which the other must try to answer, such as, "Tell me how I would spend an evening if I could do anything I wanted."
The game's purpose, of course, is to deepen your knowledge of each other. The subjects may range from heavy ("Tell me my position on assisted suicide") to light ("Tell me my favorite flavor of gum"). Here are some questions to get your started.
1. What subject would I like to study?
2. What comic strips do I read regularly?
3. Which place I would visit first in a strange city -- the museum or the shopping mall?
4. Who's the funniest person I know?
5. What are some of my favorite sayings?
6. What is favorite color? Food? Season of the year?
Once you get started, you may have trouble stopping. At least you'll end the game with some new insights about your mate. Why not try it and find out for yourself?
~ David and Claudia Arp, MSW, founders of Marriage Alive Seminars, are marriage educators, columnists and authors of numerous books and small group video curriculum including The Second Half of Marriage and 10 Great Dates (Zondervan) Website: www.marriagealive.com
For more information on enriching your relationships, visit Family Life
Sex: What it could be, what it should be
Sex is everywhere. It is almost impossible to pick up a magazine, listen to music or watch a movie without receiving sexual messages. Advertisers use images of women and men in suggestive poses to sell their products. There are sex chat rooms on the Internet and condom machines in public washrooms. Some messages are merely suggestive, while others are explicit portrayals of sexual acts that leave little to the imagination.
Has pushing sexual expression to the limit made sex any better for women? Have the past three decades of increasing sexual freedom given women more of an opportunity to experience the kind of love they really desire? Or has it created a generation of women who are out to get the most out of life, but are settling for the least in the area of sexuality?
Most of the messages I have come across seem to present a one-dimensional picture of sexuality. Sex is primarily portrayed as an activity designed for the exclusive purpose of giving physical pleasure. That notion may fuel our drive for nights of passion, but, unfortunately, it also reduces our expectations of what sex could, and should, be.
Psychologists tell us that women typically hope for a relationship that involves commitment, love and pleasure all at the same time. My friend Sharon says, "Commitment is the glue that gives a heightened pleasure to the activity and a sense of peace that my husband is the only person whos going to see and touch me in this way."
Yet for many women in the 1990s, that remains an elusive dream. Why? Because society has given them the message that such a relationship is unattainable and so, many women have simply stopped looking for it.
Joyce Grunau is a counsellor who says that a womans deepest sexual longings are for physical intimacy in the context of emotional intimacy and commitment. But society often tells us this is not a realistic goal. Sex is just a feeling and at best you can make each other feel good for a few moments. As a result, many women tend to repress their longings for a sexual relationship with a man who deeply values them and is committed to developing emotional intimacy in a lifelong relationship.
For a long time, a friend of mine thought she would never experience the kind of relationship that she wanted. When Pam first had sex with her boyfriend, she expected intercourse to add the element of commitment to their relationship. Instead, she says, "It didn't solidify our relationship. Sure there was pleasure, but that pleasure became a drive, an addiction driven by fear and insecurity - fears that I wouldnt be accepted if I didnt have sex. I now know that it was an act that was related to what I looked like on the outside. He wasn't really interested in who I was."
Is this the best that sex has to offer?
In its truest form, sex is not only connected to a sense of pleasure, but also to love and commitment. The ultimate sexual experience is a deep and satisfying union that is emotional, spiritual and physical.
One way of thinking about the richness that can be experienced through sex is to imagine a pie that is cut into sections. In its entirety, the pie represents the most wonderful and complete sexual experience that we can ever imagine. It is made up of individual pieces that represent commitment, love, union (physical, spiritual and emotional), pleasure and the possibility of
procreation. If you want to experience the best sex, you need to taste each of the pieces. If any of these essential pieces is missing from a sexual experience, then you are settling for second best.
Does our society really encourage us to settle for second best?
Consider the advice given in one of the most popular guides to sex and relationships. The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right provides women with a list of rules intended to lead them to the healthy, committed relationship they really want. The book has some valuable insight, but this is the advice given with regard to sex:
First and foremost, stay emotionally cool no matter how hot the sex gets. Don't use the physical closeness of sex to gain emotional closeness, security and assurances about the future. Don't bring up marriage, kids or your future together...try to relax and think about nothing.
Think about nothing. Dont get emotionally involved. Don't talk about sex in connection with emotional closeness or security. That is the exact opposite of what sex is meant to be! In truth, sex should be a celebration of commitment, marriage and emotional security. Telling women they should try to shut themselves off from these natural and legitimate longings actually encourages them to fragment the sexual experience and to settle for a small piece instead of feasting on the whole pie.
Author and scholar C.S. Lewis says, "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in the slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
Are you making mud pies in the slum because you cant imagine ever having a seaside vacation? Have you been fooled into thinking that you have found fulfillment by having just one piece of the pie? If you are far too easily pleased, maybe its time to re-evaluate your sex life. Consider what you want out of a relationship, and then make a commitment to settle for nothing less. After all, why settle for just one slice when you can have the whole pie!
~ Susan Martinuk is a freelance writer and speaker. She was formerly a medical researcher at an infertility clinic and now uses those experiences to speak and write on sex-related issues.
Bringing Romance Back
Romance dies, that's a fact, right? When you find the love of your life, you'll both settle into a daily routine of financial, household, and child-rearing responsibilities, forgetting you are a couple, right? Romance will only last through the initial crush of the relationship. After that you and your partner will start taking each other for granted, right?
It does not have to be this way. There are many relationships where romance is alive and well. I am in such a relationship, and you can be as well.
In case you think this is a trivial subject, please know romance matters to the health and well being of your relationship. Being romantic is nothing more or less than appreciating and celebrating your partner. This means if romance dies, one or both people in the relationship will begin to feel unappreciated. For many, this can be the beginning of the end of the relationship, or perhaps the beginning of an affair.
Below are four attitudes or actions for you to adapt to make sure romance never dies in your relationship -- or to help you revive it.
1. Learn compassion and acceptance. Realize that your partner is human, no matter how perfect he or she seemed in the beginning. He is going to do things that bug you. She is going to do things to disappoint you. Expect this. In fact, is there any relationship of any type where this is not the case? Try to have as much compassion for and acceptance of your partner as you do for your friends.
Most importantly, remember your partner is not imperfect to hurt you. His or her imperfections are not an indication of lack of love for you.
2. Communicate, communicate, communicate negative emotions. Communicate when you feel hurt. Communicate when you need something to change. Communicate when you are disappointed. Communicate when you feel angry. Communicate when you feel needy. It is the negative emotions, like those above, we tend to not want to communicate in a relationship. We think we are taking care of our partner by sparing him or her our anger or disappointment. In fact, when we hold our negative emotions back, we are quietly releasing poison into the atmosphere of the relationship.
The best thing to do with any negative emotion is to get it out in the open and resolve it. But, communicate these emotions instead of accusing your partner of making you feel this way or that.
3. Appreciate and celebrate your partner every day. I know this one is hard to do, but here is something that will help immediately. Live each day as if this is the last day you have with your partner. I don't mean to be fatalistic, but accidents happen all of the time. For all you know, today could be the last day you and your partner have together. And if it is the last day, you won't know it until it is over.
The thing most people regret when a loved one dies is not having had the opportunity to say "I love you." If a loved one has died in your life, you know exactly what I mean.
Live each day as if it were the last day of your relationship. If this really was the last day with your partner, you would want him or her to know how much he or she is loved and appreciated.
4. Touch each other every day. Physical connection is essential to the health and longevity of the relationship, as well as to the health and longevity of each of you.
If you have been out of practice for a while, you may not feel romantic at first, may not want to by intimate with your partner. Even if it feels artificial, I suggest you try to connect physically and sexually. As you reconnect, you will find it gets easier to continue reconnecting and to bring the romance and even love back into your relationship.
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
Related Readings:
Romance with Children
Write a Love Letter
Live Romantically Everyday
Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find coaching, quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Finally, real help for attracting and building a healthy relationship!
Are You Using Guilt As A Weapon
Using guilt as a weapon may get you what you want in the short term, but it is a dangerous tactic that will undermine your relationship and rob you of intimacy with your partner. Have you ever found yourself turning to your special someone and saying "If you loved me you would" or ending an argument with "don't worry about me" and sighing deeply? If so, you may be using guilt as a weapon.
Using guilt against your partner destroys intimacy by making love conditional. If you manipulate your partner with guilt you are telling them that unless things are done the way you demand you will stop loving them. You set yourself up in a position of power that can only be sustained by keeping the other person down. Guilt attacks both your partner and your relationship.
1. Guilt sets-up tests. Guilt-tripping your partner often takes the form of "if you loved me you would" or "I don't see why you can't just" statements. Both of these set up tasks that your partner must perform to your satisfaction in order to be accepted and worthy of love. Setting up tests like this says to your loved one "I don't believe that you love me. Prove it." It attacks your partner and requires that they start from the beginning and prove their love all over again.
2. Guilt destroys trust. Guilt attacks a person with the intent to harm them. It is a disciplinary behavior designed to cause pain so that the other person will change their point of view or behavior. How can you expect your partner to trust someone who is intentionally wounding them? Without trust, a healthy relationship is impossible because trust creates the environment where intimacy can grow. It is the basis for honesty, openness and vulnerability. You cannot develop emotional intimacy with someone you have to protect yourself from.
3. Guilt refuses to forgive. One of the most painful ways to wound your partner with guilt is to bring up past hurts and wrongs. No matter what your partner has done in the past or how sorry they are for doing it, there is absolutely nothing they can do today to take it back. Bringing up past behavior is a cruel way to punish someone. If you choose, you can torture them with it forever and it will never go away. Loving someone requires forgiving the past and letting it go. If you honestly can't let go of something that has happened then you cannot be in a relationship with that person. It simply does not work.
Why Do We Use Guilt?
Using guilt is never an act of love, it is always an act of violence. It may masquerade as ‘brutal honesty' but the true intention of guilt is always to wound, to hurt and to break down. Whatever it is we're after, guilt aims to make the other person suffer. So why do we do it?
We often resort to using guilt when we feel threatened, unloved or unworthy. Something in the relationship -- or in our past -- makes us feel vulnerable and we resort to guilt to in an attempt to regain control of the situation. Unfortunately, using guilt never gives us what we're really looking for. Instead of building the intimacy we crave, attacking our partner with guilt pulls us apart.
In healthy relationships there is no position of power. Both partners are genuinely interested in the other's well being and so there is no reason to feel threatened, no fear of attack. Both partners can be open and honest in a safe environment where they are valued and card for.
Getting Past Guilt
If you find yourself using guilt as a weapon in your relationship, the answer to why you're doing it is in you, not your partner. Ask yourself why you feel threatened in this relationship. Is there something in the past that you cannot forgive? Is there a good reason for you to be afraid? Do you have trouble trusting people? Do you suffer from low self-esteem? Do you feel that the relationship is moving too quickly? Take some time to get to the root of your fear and ask yourself :
* is this relationship worth it?
* do I really love him/her?
* do I want to be in this relationship?
* what is holding me back?
If your partner is using guilt as a weapon against you, find out why you are allowing yourself to be treated this way. Love isn't suppose to hurt. It's not suppose to make you feel small. If you have made a mistake in the past, that doesn't give your partner the right to punish you for it forever. It may mean that you cannot be together, but better to be alone than to be in an abusive relationship. If you feel that you deserve to be treated this way, I encourage you to seek out a counselor to find out why.
A relationship is only worth being in if both partners are free to be who they are. You cannot love or be loved properly in an environment where guilt is used as a weapon. It cannot last for the long haul. Emotional intimacy doesn't just happen because you are in a relationship with someone. Intimacy, like trust, has to be built. It takes conscious choices and effort from both partners, but the result is definitely worth it.
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.
~ Claire Colvin is the editor of Women Today Magazine. She has a BA in English from Trinity Western University and thinks people should go barefoot more often. Comments or questions? You can reach her by email editor@womentodaymagazine.com
Related Reading:
Do You Trust Him?
Fighting Fair
A Conversation About Love & God
If I asked you to describe yourself, what would you say? Would you tell me your job title? Would you refer to your relationships – husband, wife, son, daughter, friend? Would you want to talk about your successes, your failures, your dreams, your past? These are parts of who you are, but you are more than what you do or where you live. You are a human being who is loved by God: intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
Take a minute to think about that – God loves you, and not because of what you do. He loves you for who you are and will never leave you because of anything you’ve done. Isn’t that just the kind of love you’ve always dreamed about?
You might not think of yourself as exceptional, but you are. You are a hand-crafted original. God made you on purpose, no accidents of fate or chance. The Bible says that when God created man and woman He “saw everything that He had made, indeed it was very good.” (Genesis 1:31) God created you and He is interested in the details of your life. The Bible tells us that Gods knows each of us better than we know ourselves - he even knows how many hairs are on your head! (Matthew 10:30)
It’s pretty incredible to think about, isn’t it? The same God who created the stars and turns the colors of the leaves in Fall, created you. You are His masterpiece and He loves you. God created us to have a relationship with Him.
So why does it feel like God and I aren’t on speaking terms?
You know what it’s like when you have an argument with a friend and there’s distance between you? It’s like that with us and God. God could have created us as little robots that just did whatever we were told, but he didn’t. He gave us free will, the ability to choose. I think it has something to do with love. Love without choice isn’t love, it’s coercion. You can’t have a real relationship without choice. So as humans we get to choose, and in the very beginning we chose to go our own way. Sin entered the world and with it came a separation from God, a distance in our relationship with him. I know what you’re thinking, “Sin? But I’m a good person” Being a good person isn’t enough.
What is sin?
It’s easy to think of sin as all the bad stuff that other people do – murder, theft, cheating. That's sin, but sin is more than that. Sin is in our attitudes, it's in our thinking. The word sin in the Greek comes from a word that means “missing the mark”. God is perfect and humans are not. Anything less than his perfection is sin. We can try really, really hard to be good people, but to be able to be in relationship with God we’d need to be perfect and we can’t do that on our own. The Bible tells us that the punishment for sin is death – eternal separation from God. I am a sinner, but that is not where my story ends.
If God loves us, why would we perish?
That’s a good question. God cannot just ignore our sin. God is just – he is concerned with right and wrong. The price of our sin is death – eternal separation from God – someone had to pay that price. God couldn’t take away the punishment. If he did that it would be like saying that sin isn’t really a problem. It would mean pretending that everything is okay between us instead of actually repairing the relationship.
Since God loves us, he does not want us to perish. So He sent His son Jesus to die in our place. Jesus, Himself divine, God in human form, God’s only son, lived a perfect life and was put to death on a cross. He died a death He didn’t deserve so we could live a life we couldn’t earn. God made an unthinkable sacrifice. There was a card years ago that said something like this:
“How much do you love me?” I asked Jesus.
And he stretched out his arms on a cross and said “this much.”
It says in the Bible that “God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom 5:8). God loves us so much that he didn’t wait for us to come to him with our need, he took care of it before we even realized we need him.
It doesn’t end there though. Jesus died, and three days later He rose from the dead. Sounds impossible right? Jesus is the Son of God, not just a good man, a teacher or a prophet. Jesus proved who He was by raising from the dead. Through Him we can know God because Jesus paid for the sin that separated us from God.
Is knowing about Jesus enough?
Knowing about Jesus isn’t enough. Each of us has to accept what Jesus did for us. Imagine you were dying of some horrible disease and the doctor came into your hospital room and told you that he had the cure. Would knowing that the medicine was there cure you? It wouldn’t. You’d have to take the medicine for it to affect your condition. It’s the same thing with God’s love and Jesus’ sacrifice, unless we own it, it cannot save us.
The first step to owning what Jesus did is to agree with God that you are a sinner. It’s not an easy thing to say. But as any recovery program will tell you, you have to own the problem before you can start to fix it. If you were back in that hospital room and told the doctor “I don’t need your medicine, I’m not sick” he wouldn’t be able to do much for you. You need to agree with God that you need Him in your life and that there is nothing you can do in your own strength to make up for your sin. That’s the first step.
How to be forgiven
The second step is accepting that Jesus died for you and that your sins are forgiven. The Bible tells us that if we accept what Jesus did for us, our sins are forgiven. Psalm 103 verse 12 tells us that “as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” “Transgressions” is just another word for “sins”. Think about that, ‘as far as the east is from the west’. That’s pretty far.
Does this mean I’ll never sin again?
No, it doesn’t. Accepting Christ does not transform you into a perfect person. But it does take you from being a condemned person and set you free. You and I will keep sinning, but because our relationship with God has been restored we can go to him and ask for forgiveness and for his strength to make better choices. The fact we are forgiven doesn't make sin okay, and we are obligated to keep our sights set on the perfect example of Jesus, but can be assured that when we do sin and honestly seek forgiveness that we will be forgiven.
You may have heard of a version of the Bible called The Message. The Message tries to put the truth of the Bible into more modern English. The Message explains sin and forgiveness this way:
But now that you've found you don't have to listen to sin tell you what to do, and have discovered the delight of listening to God telling you, what a surprise! A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more of life on the way! Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God's gift is real life, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master.
With the barrier of sin that separates us from God gone, we can have the relationship with Him that He wants for us. Instead of death, and eternal separation from God, we are promised eternal life, being with Him forever after death. All you have to do is accept this gift in faith by and act of the will. The doctor is there with the cure, you just have to take it.
How do I accept Jesus?
The final step is a prayer asking God to come into your life and make you the person He wants you to be. Prayer is just talking to God. There is no right or wrong way to do it. God is not concerned about the words that you choose, He cares about the state of your heart. He hears you, the words aren’t that important. You can pray a prayer something like this:
Jesus, I want to know you personally. I know that I am a sinner and that nothing I could do can make up for that. Thank you for dying in my place and paying the price for my sin. I know that my sin doesn’t separate me from God anymore. Thank you for forgiving me. I know that you love me and that I will spend eternity with you. I want you to be my Savior. Come into my life and take control, make me the person you want me to be.
God invites us into relationship with him. He’s not here to condemn, although our sin makes us guilty. God is inviting us back ready to welcome us home.
How are you feeling today?
I’m ready to pray now. How do I accept Jesus?
I want to know God but I’m not ready to make a decision.
I want to know God but I don’t want to be “religious”.
I want to believe in God but I don’t know how.
Romantic... With Children
When there are kids in the house both time and money can seem to be a barrier to romance. When you were dating and in the early years of your marriage the clock didn't seem to race as quickly and the paycheck seemed to go a lot further. Now that you have children who take up much of your time and money, has the romance suffered?
Growing up with six sisters and dating dozens of women before I married my wonderful wife, I know that most women are not interested with what's in a man's wallet. They want him to share what's in his heart and mind.
Since money is not an excuse for not being romantic, what about the lack of time? Here is a way many couples have successfully kept romance alive in their marriage even with a house full of children. Establish a date night. Preferably this should be in the middle of the week when both of you are in real need of a breather (this is true for people without children too).
If you can't afford a baby-sitter, try to make an arrangement with a neighbor or a family member with offspring where you can trade off watching the children one night a week. Invest in a pager or cellular phone if the children are old enough to stay home alone for a few hours. That way you won't be as nervous about leaving them on their own.
I know you probably think that you can't afford a night off during the week. There is always so much work to be done. Relationships need work and time too and they should be near the top of your priority list!
Now that you have freed up an evening, how do you spend it? I think a good suggestion is to take turns planning your date night. You may want to set a budget for the whole month and either you can take four average costing dates or two cheap dates and two more costly ones each month. You can plan the date in secret or give each other suggestions. Whatever works with your lifestyle is best.
Now that you have made up your mind to initiate date night into your schedule, what will be your first cheap date? Of course, I will give you some suggestions. That's my job.
1. Stay at home and rent a movie, while eating homemade popcorn and snuggling on the sofa.
2. Go to a coffeehouse and read poetry or silly short stories aloud to each other while you sip your java.
3. Take your dinner to the park and then feed bread crusts to the ducks.
4. Go to lovers lane, talk and smooch while listening to your favorite music.
5. Buy one order of Chinese take-out. Make your own fried rice together. Eat by candlelight and with chopsticks
-Brought to you by: World Wide Information Outlet - http://certificate.net/wwio/, your source of FREEWare Content online.
Michael Webb is author of The RoMANtic's Guide: Hundreds of Creative Tips for a Lifetime of Love. You can order at Amazon.com or for more of Michael's FREE tips, visit www.TheRomantic.com.
Living Romantically Every Day
Looking to add some romance to your life? From my new book, Living Romantically Every Day, here are some simple suggestions for you ladies to impress your guy friends and husbands without having to go too far out of your way to do so. Each suggestion is simple, affordable to all and will surely prove memorable to him!
1. Make a list of the special days that you celebrate together, such as the day you met, a monthly or yearly anniversary date, or even the anniversary of a special date from your past. On these days make a point to spend some time quality time together. Cook a special meal. Buy him a card, write a short letter and let him know that you didn't forget.
2. Toast each other when you sit down to dinner. It doesn't need to be over bubbly or wine, but even a glass of water or iced tea. Tell him something you love about him and then drink to it!
3. Let your spontaneous side show through. Taking someone for granted can be the result of getting stuck in a bad routine. Break the routine by meeting him after work if that is something you don't normally do. Allow for more romance in your life.
4. Take pictures every day. Don't save the camera for holidays and special occasions. Create a visual scrapbook of your everyday lives together. Better still, set the timer and pose together. You will both appreciate the warmth of the moment when you see these snapshots in an album down the road.
5. Set something aside for him every day. It might be a magazine article you read during your commute, a link to a website you came across, or even a story you heard at the office water cooler. He will appreciate that you took a moment to think of him during the course of your day.
6. Do something thoughtful for him every day. Maybe its making a cup of hot cocoa in the morning, sticking a surprise note in his brief case, or leaving a chocolate 'kiss' on his night stand before bedtime. Everyone loves a romantic surprise.
7. Be generous with your compliments. It's always easier to practice flattery at the start of a relationship, but also easier to forget to say later on. Remember that everyone loves a sincere compliment and your partner is no different.
8. Let him see you at your best. It's ironic that we dress up to meet total strangers but let ourselves go around our nearest and dearest. Most men love to see their woman in attractive colors, in well fitting clothes and perhaps wearing a hint of their favorite fragrance Keeping a tidy appearance is simple but most important.
9. Be honest if you are feeling stressed or under the weather. Your husband/boyfriend will appreciate your honesty and will know not to take it personally when you come home in a bad mood.
10. Trust your partner's decisions. You may not agree with everything your partner does, but truly having trust in another person requires that you accept the decisions he makes. You may not always agree with the way he handles a crisis situation for example. While it is your responsibility to talk about your concerns, it's also your responsibility to step back and not argue once a decision has been reached. And if the outcome doesn't play out as he anticipated, avoid saying "I told you so."
Additionally, I recommend a number of romantic surprises that can help you to expand your relationship. Here are some ideas:
* Take a wine tasting class together.
* Go to a reading by a writer you both admire. These take place at libraries, book stores and universities all the time.
* Spend an afternoon together in a ceramics workshop.
* Sign up for a cooking lesson with a chef.
* Start your own book club for two. Agree to read the same book and then discuss it.
* Take a dance class together. Ballroom dancing and Latin dance are famously romantic.
* Learn a new sport together. Consider taking tennis or golf lessons together.
* Hop on a roller coaster together. Feel free to cling to one another - and scream!
* Make a list together of all the places you'd like to visit. Then start planning to find the time for these getaways.
* Paint a room in an unusual color. Maybe you are both tired of looking at the same walls and wish to liven them up with something more inviting.
And so while Living Romantically Every Day may very well make for a nice gift for husbands and boyfriends, its content, when followed with affection it will impress him greatly. All women can be romantic and should never be ashamed to display these loving instincts.
More Relationships:
Be Loved for Who You Really Are
I didn't want to be another divorce statistic
Save Your Marriage
~ Barbara Taylor Bradford has been called the 'First Lady of Fiction' and the 'Grande Dame of popular women's literature'. All 18 of her books have been certified worldwide bestsellers. Her novel A Woman of Substance is one of the ten bestselling fiction novels in publishing history with over 20 million copies sold. Overall she has sold more than 70 million books in over 40 countries. Ten of her books have been produced as network television films or mini-series.
Barbara Taylor Bradford's Living Romantically Every Day can be ordered on Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com. For more information on the books of Barbara Taylor Bradford, please visit www.barbarataylorbradford.com.
1. Make a list of the special days that you celebrate together, such as the day you met, a monthly or yearly anniversary date, or even the anniversary of a special date from your past. On these days make a point to spend some time quality time together. Cook a special meal. Buy him a card, write a short letter and let him know that you didn't forget.
2. Toast each other when you sit down to dinner. It doesn't need to be over bubbly or wine, but even a glass of water or iced tea. Tell him something you love about him and then drink to it!
3. Let your spontaneous side show through. Taking someone for granted can be the result of getting stuck in a bad routine. Break the routine by meeting him after work if that is something you don't normally do. Allow for more romance in your life.
4. Take pictures every day. Don't save the camera for holidays and special occasions. Create a visual scrapbook of your everyday lives together. Better still, set the timer and pose together. You will both appreciate the warmth of the moment when you see these snapshots in an album down the road.
5. Set something aside for him every day. It might be a magazine article you read during your commute, a link to a website you came across, or even a story you heard at the office water cooler. He will appreciate that you took a moment to think of him during the course of your day.
6. Do something thoughtful for him every day. Maybe its making a cup of hot cocoa in the morning, sticking a surprise note in his brief case, or leaving a chocolate 'kiss' on his night stand before bedtime. Everyone loves a romantic surprise.
7. Be generous with your compliments. It's always easier to practice flattery at the start of a relationship, but also easier to forget to say later on. Remember that everyone loves a sincere compliment and your partner is no different.
8. Let him see you at your best. It's ironic that we dress up to meet total strangers but let ourselves go around our nearest and dearest. Most men love to see their woman in attractive colors, in well fitting clothes and perhaps wearing a hint of their favorite fragrance Keeping a tidy appearance is simple but most important.
9. Be honest if you are feeling stressed or under the weather. Your husband/boyfriend will appreciate your honesty and will know not to take it personally when you come home in a bad mood.
10. Trust your partner's decisions. You may not agree with everything your partner does, but truly having trust in another person requires that you accept the decisions he makes. You may not always agree with the way he handles a crisis situation for example. While it is your responsibility to talk about your concerns, it's also your responsibility to step back and not argue once a decision has been reached. And if the outcome doesn't play out as he anticipated, avoid saying "I told you so."
Additionally, I recommend a number of romantic surprises that can help you to expand your relationship. Here are some ideas:
* Take a wine tasting class together.
* Go to a reading by a writer you both admire. These take place at libraries, book stores and universities all the time.
* Spend an afternoon together in a ceramics workshop.
* Sign up for a cooking lesson with a chef.
* Start your own book club for two. Agree to read the same book and then discuss it.
* Take a dance class together. Ballroom dancing and Latin dance are famously romantic.
* Learn a new sport together. Consider taking tennis or golf lessons together.
* Hop on a roller coaster together. Feel free to cling to one another - and scream!
* Make a list together of all the places you'd like to visit. Then start planning to find the time for these getaways.
* Paint a room in an unusual color. Maybe you are both tired of looking at the same walls and wish to liven them up with something more inviting.
And so while Living Romantically Every Day may very well make for a nice gift for husbands and boyfriends, its content, when followed with affection it will impress him greatly. All women can be romantic and should never be ashamed to display these loving instincts.
More Relationships:
Be Loved for Who You Really Are
I didn't want to be another divorce statistic
Save Your Marriage
~ Barbara Taylor Bradford has been called the 'First Lady of Fiction' and the 'Grande Dame of popular women's literature'. All 18 of her books have been certified worldwide bestsellers. Her novel A Woman of Substance is one of the ten bestselling fiction novels in publishing history with over 20 million copies sold. Overall she has sold more than 70 million books in over 40 countries. Ten of her books have been produced as network television films or mini-series.
Barbara Taylor Bradford's Living Romantically Every Day can be ordered on Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com. For more information on the books of Barbara Taylor Bradford, please visit www.barbarataylorbradford.com.
Resolving Conflict in Friendships
Oops. The other day I had a bit of a falling out with my good friend Alissa. I told a guy she liked about a conversation we shared, not knowing she would be so offended by it. After my disagreement with Alissa, I realized that I had some decisions to make as to how I was going to deal with this conflict.
Yes, I had over-stepped my boundaries. No, I didn't want to lose my three-year friendship with Alissa over a comment I made to the guy she liked. So now what? In my mind, the options were to let her go in hopes the problem would go away or to try to talk it out with her. I decided to attempt the confrontation.
Conflict. It's a fact of life. It's a fact in friendships. You develop a friendship with someone, and conflict is sure to occur.
Many superficial friendships end up being shelved after an argument because there isn't enough depth to warrant all the trouble it takes to smooth over the disagreement. Unfortunately, even when the friendship reaches a deeper level, conflict continues to happen and can break apart a relationship.
1. First and foremost, talk the situation over soon after it occurs. And do it soon! From my experience, people begin to talk about what happened even sooner afterwards.
Good, step in the right direction, right? Well, not always… particularly when the talking isn't with the person involved, but with other friends or acquaintances. People begin to pick sides. The gossip circulates and all of a sudden, friends become enemies. Suddenly everyone is mad at everyone else.
So, be sure to talk with the person with whom you are upset without the interference of people who aren't really involved.
2. Resolve it the day it happens. One rule my parents follow in their marriage is that they don't go to bed angry with each other. They always attempt to resolve things the day it happens so that in the morning, it's a fresh start with no past grudges.
I've found I need a short cool down period of a couple of minutes so that I don't act in anger, so I can act with a more rational mind instead. For some, counting to one hundred before saying anything, may be an option.
Whatever you do, don't let things ride for too long.
Even when you don't see eye to eye, agree to disagree. Tell them that while you may not agree with what they're saying, you still value their friendship.
3. Try to see the other person's perspective. Sometimes if you sit down and talk things over, you begin to see where the other person is coming from. Realize that everyone has been created differently with various talents, abilities and personality traits. For example, you might be a leader while your friend is more of a follower. You may be frustrated with him or her for not being very decisive. Yet it is important to understand that no matter what your quirks, each person is still unique and needs to be appreciated.
4. Here's a tough one - initiate resolution. Be the first person in a fight to say sorry for your part. Even when you think the other person is wrong, it's not a bad thing to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if I offended you in that way."
If you're honest, genuine, and gentle in delivering your words, there's a good chance your friend will reciprocate positively. Use feeling words as no one can argue with your feelings. For example, "When you do this, you make me feel silly."
* Focus on the bigger picture. Successfully facing and working through the discomfort of conflict in a friendship has a worthwhile reward: a deeper relationship.
* Don't accuse by using the word, "you."
* Be sensitive. Try to offer solutions when appropriate, but know when to listen. Don't underestimate the importance of a listening ear.
Most important, be loving in what you do. Don't go out to "get" the other person, but try to focus on peacefully resolving the disagreement.
Resolving conflict in any friendship is not the most pleasant task, but it is worth the hassle for the result on the other end is a deeper friendship.
~ Kristin is a student at British Columbia Institute of Technology. Reprinted with permission from Iamnext.com .
My first and third husband
TOM: Suellen likes to introduce me as her first and third husband because it surprises people. I can see why some people think it’s shocking and I guess it is, but I am so grateful to God that I have the privilege of being her husband today. A marriage with God in it is so different from one without. We had to learn this the hard way, after much pain, difficulty and tears.
But let me first tell you how it all started and Suellen can fill in the parts I miss, or tell what it was really like.
In the beginning…
TOM: Suellen and I went to university together and started dating at a very young age. She hates it when I say this, but I think she was probably the best looking girl in Saskatoon. She was even in a Miss Canada pageant! She was a beautiful woman and still is today. Our work careers started out and I stumbled into the healthcare field, through the finance area, and then I quickly became the CEO of a healthcare organization. That organization merged with two other ones into a new organization and I was named one of the 50 best bosses in Canada by MacLean’s magazine. Externally, everything in my life seemed to look good, but that wasn’t enough for me. I was always looking for something else.
Broken relationships
My looking for something else led me to start a relationship with another woman. This brought a five-year saga of pain into my life that drove me to illness. All the things I had worked for started to fall apart. Although Suellen and I both professed to be Christians, I wasn't allowing God to be active in my life and I didn’t actually have a relationship with him at the time.
SUELLEN: I was completely devastated when I found out Tom was having an affair. As the youngest of four daughters, I was an over-achiever. I learned to please. I was a competent and independent individual, which is what I think attracted Tom to me in the first place. I knew Tom was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I tried in so many different ways to be the woman that Tom wanted me to be. Tom was never really satisfied with anything, so I always felt like I had to be better.
My whole world fell apart when I found out Tom was unfaithful to me but I didn’t turn to God for help. I felt like I did something wrong and didn’t do enough to be the woman Tom wanted. I had made a commitment to Christ long ago, but I didn’t actually have a relationship with God at the time. I was so consumed with Tom’s affair it took me a long time to realize that I needed God’s help to get through this. During this horrible time, Tom tried to come home about five times, but he left me every time, over and over and over again. It felt as if he came back each time to say, “You’re not good enough.”
Tom got married again and I foolishly remarried also. We regret hurting two other people. As we allowed God to be at the center of our lives He began our healing journey.
Fixing mistakes
TOM: During the five-year period our marriage was broken, I felt that I had to turn to God because I wasn’t getting anything done myself. I was a complete mess. I think God was telling both of us that our own plans weren’t working.
SUELLEN: Right after my second wedding, I knew very quickly that I had made a mistake. Tom wanted to come home again and he said, “You know what? I’ve got God sitting at the center of my life. He’s in control now.” And I watched him change. Over a period of time, I realized again that this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. People thought I was crazy! My three older sisters told me not to trust Tom because he was going to hurt me all over again. I felt my credibility as a reasonable and sane person was at stake.
A happy and different ending
I didn’t trust Tom, I trusted God. We both made God the central part of our lives and sought a relationship with him, individually and together. We got married again. That was 10 years ago and it’s been a miracle that God could take the mess that we created and kept making worse and worse, and turn it into the beautiful relationship we now have. When you put Jesus right at the center of the marriage, it works differently and works well. We have to get up each and every day and say, “Jesus, I want you on the throne of my life,” because that’s the only way it can work.
TOM: Our marriage has changed and improved dramatically. But the real story is that none of this would have been possible without God. I believe God’s love is continuing to be shown through our lives and that is why we’re happy to share our story with others. We want everyone to know that when you give up your life to God and allow him to be the center of your marriage; he can heal every wound and make any marriage work.
SUELLEN: We’re here together as husband and wife to serve God together in any way we can. Every day we thank God for how things have turned out for us. We are also thankful for our son Brett.
Healing
There are some things in life that we feel can never be mended again. If you’ve ever felt this way, there is hope. Jesus can bring healing to anything. God gave us his Son Jesus Christ on the cross to die for our sins so that we can be made new again and have a relationship with him.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be. Amen.
If you have a question first, click here.
Talk back to us./contact/feedback.html~ Laurie Wang graduated from the University of Alberta with a B.A. in English and is an aspiring journalist. She's a big fan of hockey, shoes and rare steak. Laurie is the Editor for Men Today Online, yet admittedly, she doesn't know another word for "thesaurus."
~ Tom and Suellen currently live in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan and have a son. Suellen is the Chief Executive Officer of a long-term care facility. Tom currently works in healthcare and organizational change consulting and real estate development. In their spare time, they love going skiing or taking trips to their cottage at Lac La Ronge. If you want to strengthen your marriage, come to a Family Life Conference -- one week-end can be the start that changes everything.
Can He Trust You with his Feelings
Men often get a bad rep for being closed-off when it comes to discussing feelings. Women, as we know, are able to talk for hours about hopes and dreams and feelings. If men seem less inclined to do so, it may be that they have good reason. I was surprised to read recently that one author claimed that revealing feelings is as uncomfortable for men as revealing our bodies is for women. It only happens in a place of trust, of intimacy. Anywhere less feels like a violation.
In an article for O, The Oprah Magazine, author W. Bruce Cameron wrote that “as boys we [men] learn that any sign of vulnerability will mercilessly punished by our peers.” Women expect to be comforted in times of weakness, men often expect an attack. If you want the man in your life to open up to you more, he has to be able to trust you.
Revealing our true selves
Trust takes time and effort, is easily broken and hard to restore but if you’re willing to work at it the reward is the relationship you’ve always dreamed of. Trust allows both of you to reveal who you really are. In spite of all the tricks we use to try and impress someone in the early stages of dating, intimacy is founded on knowing and being known.
If you want the man in your life to be more open with you, prove that you are a safe place by being more open with him. Be honest with him and make sure he can trust your responses. Men are not mind-readers (and neither are women). If he asks you if you are happy and you say “yes” don’t assume that he will know you didn’t mean it. Let your “yes” mean yes.
There is a myth out there that if your man truly loves you he will instinctively know everything about you. It’s simply not true. If you are looking for intimacy, stop playing games. Let him know who you are and invite him to do the same. Give him the opportunity to make you happy. Most people in relationships – both men and women – would love to give their partners what they want if only they knew what it was.
Let him talk
He needs to know that you will hear him out. Understand that opening up about feelings does not come easily for many men. If he takes the chance to open up to you, hear him out. Resist the urge to comment on what he is saying until he’s done. Think of the times when you are telling him something and he wants to solve your problem right in the middle of your story. Remember how much you appreciate it when he lets you finish? Men appreciate that too.
Men and women both have a need to know that they are being listened to and genuinely heard. Simply taking the time to actively listen without speaking shows your partner that you value what he is saying. Knowing that you value this kind of conversation may help him open up more in the future. If it’s really hard for him, but he knows it’s really important to you he may be more willing to make the effort.
Be a safe place
Ask yourself this: are you a safe place for your partner’s weakness? If he tells you that he’s concerned about his job or doesn’t know how to fix the car or is worried about his parents how do you respond? If he takes the time to open up to you about his fears he needs to hear that you still respect him. Reassure him that you don’t doubt his abilities and that you aren’t going anywhere. If he’s telling you that a decision he made has gone wrong, this is not the time to say “I told you so.” Tell him that you appreciate the strength it took to be honest with you. Men always like to hear about their strength and when they’re feeling vulnerable, it’s a particularly good time to mention it.
Whatever you say let him know that you are on his side and that you will guard his confidences. He needs to know that what he says to you stays with you. Lasting relationships are built on trust and trust has to stand the test of time. If there’s a chance that his revelations will be the topic of conversation at the next girl’s night out, you can’t blame him for clamming-up.
Building trust
Trust doesn’t just naturally happen between two people, even if they love each other. It takes work and if you’ve been hurt in the past it can be especially difficult. Building trust takes time. You need to show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you trust him in return. If he knows that you will listen to him without judgement and will keep his secrets he’s much more likely to be willing to talk about those awkward feelings we women seem to like so much.
You are not in this alone. If you are looking for someone you can place your trust in, a foundation to build upon, you can find that safe place whether you’re in a relationship right now or not. Place your trust in God and his promises. Anchor your life to the hope that he brings.
He is the well deep enough to draw from when you need peace, hope and wisdom, insight and love, endurance and faith. He gave His Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for all our sins. Everyone feels unworthy sometimes, but God thinks you’re worth it—even worth the death of His Son.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desires of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus will come into your life, and forgive you of your sins forever, just as he promised.
If you have a question first, click here.
Claire Colvin~ Claire Colvin is the Senior Editor for Women Today Magazine. She has a BA in English from Trinity Western University and still thinks people should go barefoot more often. Claire wrote previously for Women Today about the power of words and the dangers of guilt.
More help for your love life:
4 Mistakes to avoid
Write the perfect love letter
How compatible are you?
Help, the passion is gone
Question: Sometimes it feels like my husband and I are more like roommates than lovers. We still get along fine, but the sizzle has disappeared from our relationship. How do we get out of this rut?
Donalyn: Well first of all, we've been there a number of times. The worst of these periods of disconnection was dissimilar to what you have described, because we weren't even getting along anymore. At our lowest point, we weren't even friends anymore. So, Dave and I have a number of vantage points to draw from when it comes to “just sharing space” together.
Dave: Not fun memories to be sure. The heart of the issue has to do with the lack of priority that has been given to the relationship. You wouldn't ever admit this at first, nor do you intentionally take the relationship casually. But you get busy, work demands steal hours, kids come along and make you busier still, other good but time-consuming activities take precedence and bingo, there's no real time left to connect with your mate. You can't romance in a vacuum.
Donalyn: Actual time together, with each other and for each other is what gets lost.
Dave: That's right. As well, there are many other variables in our lives that make it too easy to slide into this rut. You get a lot of ego strokes for doing well at work. Success is so easy to justify because you are really doing it “for the family”. Meanwhile, there is less time at home. An unbalanced preoccupation with the children's agenda at the expense of couple time is also very common. It is important to spend time with kids and to support them in their sports, their music, and their other pursuits. But, as noble as it sounds to be super-committed to your children, the best long-term gift you can give them is a strong and vibrant marriage. They blossom in the security and stability provided by a mom and dad who are close and connected. All kinds of activities vie for your time with your mate, and they often win out.
Donalyn: You really just take each other for granted, assuming that the relationship can handle the neglect. After all, you are married and committed to each other. Well, the relationship erodes slowly at first, but soon the distance between you increases, and you wake up one morning with the sense that there's not much happening between you. You are in a rut that you don't like, and you feel more like roommates than a married couple. When you get to this point, you've actually taken a big step toward recovery if you can just admit it to yourself and make a decision to turn it around.
Dave: The place to start is to agree to have a discussion with your spouse about your relationship. At that time, you should openly acknowledge the emotional void you are feeling and your desire to try to improve things. Be sure to hear them out to find out where they are. Agree that both of you are responsible to take steps to re-ignite the flame.
Donalyn: Romance is a decision. You must take the initiative to begin to make changes. As the wife, when you decide to become more romantic and take the time to plan fun, friendship-building times together, you will find that your own desire to reconnect as both friends and lovers actually returns. I'll bet you'll find he will have a growing interest here too, if you know what I mean.
Dave: Yes, I do know what you mean. There are things that the husband needs to be adjusting too. Start appreciating your wife. Express your gratitude for what she does for you. Encourage her with your words. If needed, and it often is, apologize for things said and done that were insensitive. Men, admit if you haven't been making the relationship a priority and ask her to give you a chance to change things. Take time to talk but spend more time listening.
Donalyn: Let him know that you are NOT roommates and don't want to be. Start daily with little things: encouraging words, lots of hugs, tender touching, gentle backrubs, and some slow, long kissing – all away from the bedroom. Look into his eyes when he's talking to you. Tease him, laugh with him, compliment him, and have fun with him. Decide to be delightful and endearing rather than a negative, critical pain to be avoided. Do everything you can to let him know that you care for him and want to be together.
Dave: Much of what Donalyn said goes both ways. Ask yourself, men, how have you expressed to her that she is a priority? When was the last time you had a night out? Agree to set at least a biweekly date night. Make no excuse not to keep it. Most men are not the romantic type. If you are, count your blessing. For the majority who are as sensitive as crash-test dummies, here are a few more suggestions.
Donalyn: Let me start. Plan your date times, arrange special dinners at home, and leave notes in places that he'll see them. Say “I love you” frequently, send flowers with a note of appreciation to his work, and send a suggestive e-mail to his private e-mail address. Try being naked under the covers when he gets into bed!
Dave: Okay, so I know we're not roommates…and I like it. For the woman's needs, husbands, don't stop at being anything less than her best friend. If she can feel safe with you and know that you cherish her, she will be drawn to you in every way. Frankly, sex is good when the relationship is great.
Donalyn: Oh, I forgot to say one more thing…get something new and sexy to wear to bed.
Dave: We wouldn't want to forget that now, would we men? Remember, for the woman, marital intimacy – real emotional connectedness – comes through being valued, through time spent together, through talking and sharing, and through special acts of thoughtfulness. Write the notes. Buy the flowers. Tell her often that you love her. Do things that let her know that you were thinking about her when you weren't with her. Plan some intrigue into an evening that takes some work to set up. She will appreciate the effort immensely.
Donalyn: Use your imagination. Surprise each other. Do special things for the other that you know they'll notice and enjoy. Make the time to be alone together. Talk about the things you love about each other. The point is, once you get yourself into the planning and scheming mode of romance and truly want to be much more than roommates, you start doing whatever you can to please your mate. When you do this, the desire for a growing romantic intimacy with one another will really grow.
Dave: If you haven't caught our drift yet, it's about unselfishly putting your mate and your relationship first. That is God's plan. That's why you'll find that it works!
More on relationships:
I didn't want to be a divorce statistic
How to write a love letter
Do you have a question for Dave and Donalyn? Please keep your question as general as possible, so that it can be answered in a future Q&A article.
~ Dave and Donalyn Currie have 2 married children and 2 teens at home in British Columbia. Dave is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. With over 25 years of college and pastoral ministry, the Curries bring a wealth of experience in conference speaking, premarital preparation and Marriage and Family Counseling.
Whether your marriage is a sappy romance, a tear-jerking drama or a horror show, the FamilyLife Marriage Conference can give you the tools you need to turn it into an Oscar contender! This could be the year that changes everything. Join us at a Family Life conference!
Donalyn: Well first of all, we've been there a number of times. The worst of these periods of disconnection was dissimilar to what you have described, because we weren't even getting along anymore. At our lowest point, we weren't even friends anymore. So, Dave and I have a number of vantage points to draw from when it comes to “just sharing space” together.
Dave: Not fun memories to be sure. The heart of the issue has to do with the lack of priority that has been given to the relationship. You wouldn't ever admit this at first, nor do you intentionally take the relationship casually. But you get busy, work demands steal hours, kids come along and make you busier still, other good but time-consuming activities take precedence and bingo, there's no real time left to connect with your mate. You can't romance in a vacuum.
Donalyn: Actual time together, with each other and for each other is what gets lost.
Dave: That's right. As well, there are many other variables in our lives that make it too easy to slide into this rut. You get a lot of ego strokes for doing well at work. Success is so easy to justify because you are really doing it “for the family”. Meanwhile, there is less time at home. An unbalanced preoccupation with the children's agenda at the expense of couple time is also very common. It is important to spend time with kids and to support them in their sports, their music, and their other pursuits. But, as noble as it sounds to be super-committed to your children, the best long-term gift you can give them is a strong and vibrant marriage. They blossom in the security and stability provided by a mom and dad who are close and connected. All kinds of activities vie for your time with your mate, and they often win out.
Donalyn: You really just take each other for granted, assuming that the relationship can handle the neglect. After all, you are married and committed to each other. Well, the relationship erodes slowly at first, but soon the distance between you increases, and you wake up one morning with the sense that there's not much happening between you. You are in a rut that you don't like, and you feel more like roommates than a married couple. When you get to this point, you've actually taken a big step toward recovery if you can just admit it to yourself and make a decision to turn it around.
Dave: The place to start is to agree to have a discussion with your spouse about your relationship. At that time, you should openly acknowledge the emotional void you are feeling and your desire to try to improve things. Be sure to hear them out to find out where they are. Agree that both of you are responsible to take steps to re-ignite the flame.
Donalyn: Romance is a decision. You must take the initiative to begin to make changes. As the wife, when you decide to become more romantic and take the time to plan fun, friendship-building times together, you will find that your own desire to reconnect as both friends and lovers actually returns. I'll bet you'll find he will have a growing interest here too, if you know what I mean.
Dave: Yes, I do know what you mean. There are things that the husband needs to be adjusting too. Start appreciating your wife. Express your gratitude for what she does for you. Encourage her with your words. If needed, and it often is, apologize for things said and done that were insensitive. Men, admit if you haven't been making the relationship a priority and ask her to give you a chance to change things. Take time to talk but spend more time listening.
Donalyn: Let him know that you are NOT roommates and don't want to be. Start daily with little things: encouraging words, lots of hugs, tender touching, gentle backrubs, and some slow, long kissing – all away from the bedroom. Look into his eyes when he's talking to you. Tease him, laugh with him, compliment him, and have fun with him. Decide to be delightful and endearing rather than a negative, critical pain to be avoided. Do everything you can to let him know that you care for him and want to be together.
Dave: Much of what Donalyn said goes both ways. Ask yourself, men, how have you expressed to her that she is a priority? When was the last time you had a night out? Agree to set at least a biweekly date night. Make no excuse not to keep it. Most men are not the romantic type. If you are, count your blessing. For the majority who are as sensitive as crash-test dummies, here are a few more suggestions.
Donalyn: Let me start. Plan your date times, arrange special dinners at home, and leave notes in places that he'll see them. Say “I love you” frequently, send flowers with a note of appreciation to his work, and send a suggestive e-mail to his private e-mail address. Try being naked under the covers when he gets into bed!
Dave: Okay, so I know we're not roommates…and I like it. For the woman's needs, husbands, don't stop at being anything less than her best friend. If she can feel safe with you and know that you cherish her, she will be drawn to you in every way. Frankly, sex is good when the relationship is great.
Donalyn: Oh, I forgot to say one more thing…get something new and sexy to wear to bed.
Dave: We wouldn't want to forget that now, would we men? Remember, for the woman, marital intimacy – real emotional connectedness – comes through being valued, through time spent together, through talking and sharing, and through special acts of thoughtfulness. Write the notes. Buy the flowers. Tell her often that you love her. Do things that let her know that you were thinking about her when you weren't with her. Plan some intrigue into an evening that takes some work to set up. She will appreciate the effort immensely.
Donalyn: Use your imagination. Surprise each other. Do special things for the other that you know they'll notice and enjoy. Make the time to be alone together. Talk about the things you love about each other. The point is, once you get yourself into the planning and scheming mode of romance and truly want to be much more than roommates, you start doing whatever you can to please your mate. When you do this, the desire for a growing romantic intimacy with one another will really grow.
Dave: If you haven't caught our drift yet, it's about unselfishly putting your mate and your relationship first. That is God's plan. That's why you'll find that it works!
More on relationships:
I didn't want to be a divorce statistic
How to write a love letter
Do you have a question for Dave and Donalyn? Please keep your question as general as possible, so that it can be answered in a future Q&A article.
~ Dave and Donalyn Currie have 2 married children and 2 teens at home in British Columbia. Dave is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. With over 25 years of college and pastoral ministry, the Curries bring a wealth of experience in conference speaking, premarital preparation and Marriage and Family Counseling.
Whether your marriage is a sappy romance, a tear-jerking drama or a horror show, the FamilyLife Marriage Conference can give you the tools you need to turn it into an Oscar contender! This could be the year that changes everything. Join us at a Family Life conference!
Absolute Forgiveness
Oh no, not again. Sue screamed in her mind as David stumbled in drunk. I can’t take this anymore. Sue’s heart beat faster as the anger inside her bubbled up reaching the point of explosion. Grabbing his white button down shirt, Sue ripped it open and began beating on his chest with both fists screaming at him, “Who do you think you are treating me like this! You’re not the man I married.”
Sue and David were high school sweethearts. They married young and had four children. During this time David completed dental school, worked hard and now had an extremely successful dental practice. But this success came at a high price. Through the years David had developed the habit of drinking too much. Now, he spent more time with his buddies nursing a beer than being with his family. Alcohol controlled him.
David, so intoxicated, couldn’t even react to her outrage. He mumbled something about being sorry.
“Sorry isn’t enough.” Sue railed. The smell of alcohol emanating from his pores nauseated her.
David fell onto their bed, without even changing his clothes and lapsed into a deep drunken sleep. Sue cried herself to sleep again.
After years of dealing with David and his drinking problem, Sue finally decided she must leave him. The final straw happened on their daughter’s 8th birthday. Sue had invited two families to go ice-skating and then come to their home for cake. “David, where are you going?” Sue asked, suspiciously as he grabbed his jacket and headed out the front door. “It’s Sunday and it’s only ten in the morning.” A sense of dread filled her, her mouth felt dry, and she tried to close the door and direct him into the kitchen.
“I’m just walking over to Stan’s house for a few minutes,” David said as he re-opened the door, and slipped his arms into the jacket sleeves.
“Today’s Ann’s birthday party. We’re going ice-skating at one and then coming back here for cake, the Johnsons and the Robertsons are celebrating with us.”
“I’ll be back for ice-skating, don’t worry hon. I wouldn’t forget my own daughter’s birthday,” David gave Sue a quick peck on the cheek, smiled his confident smile, and walked out the door.
David missed the ice-skating. Sue called him and pleaded with him to come home for cake. He didn’t show up. When David finally came home he found Sue in their bedroom packing her bags to leave.
“Sue, wait...” David bolted from the bedroom and out the front door. She heard him gagging and spitting as he vomited in the front bushes. She covered her mouth and shut her eyes trying to shut out the image of who and what David had become.
David returned to the bedroom, wiping the spit on his chin with his sleeve, “I know I’m an alcoholic. I know I need help. Will you give me one more chance?” He pleaded.
Sue sat down on the bed and began to cry. Oh God, I want to help David, but I can’t take this anymore. Help me to know what to do. David lay down on the bed, the familiar smell of alcohol once again filled the room. As Sue looked at David and prayed, a vision of Christ suffering on the cross entered her mind.
“David, you know how I’ve started going to that women’s Bible study. Well, I’ve been learning about Jesus Christ’s sacrifice and what he did so that our sins would be forgiven. I guess if Jesus could die a painful death for me, and forgive me of my sins, then I can try and forgive you. I love you, but you’ve got to get help.”
David didn’t change overnight. It took him one and a half years to quit drinking alcohol totally. Sue immersed herself in the Bible and talked to God constantly and kept asking God to help her see David as the man God saw, not a man encumbered by his addiction.
After each relapse, David would get back up and recommit himself to try again. His sincere efforts kept Sue’s hope alive.
Finally, after an annual fly-fishing trip with his buddies, David returned home with the usual puffy, red eyes and pale skin of the man who drank too much.
“Sue, I can’t do this on my own.”
He slowly climbed the stairs to their bedroom, but instead of collapsing into a deep slumber, he knelt at the foot of the bed, lay his head down on his folded hands and wept. “Jesus,” he cried out. “I can’t change. I need Your help. I need You in my life, please help me beat my alcoholism.” Unexplainably a sense of peace and calm swept over David and he felt another presence in the room. He looked around and didn’t see anything yet he felt a power surge through him, giving him the strength to change. To never take another drink. Filled with hope, he went downstairs to tell Sue about his supernatural experience.
“Sue, I committed my life to Christ just now and asked him to help me never drink another drop of alcohol. I can’t explain it but I felt like He was in the room with me. I know I can change, I can beat my alcoholism.”
Sue cried as she clung to David.
Together, they started over. They made new friends and fell in love with each other all over again. David never drank another drop of alcohol.
But there was still one more thing Sue didn’t know – one more iniquity requiring her absolute forgiveness. Driving to the mountains for a romantic weekend alone, David knew he had to tell Sue about a one-time affair he had during a drunken binge.
When they arrived at the cabin, David, with trembling hands, turned off the car’s ignition. He couldn’t look at Sue for a long moment; then, finally, he faced her and, with his eyes filled with tears, softly said, “Sue, I have a confession to make. I’ve asked God for forgiveness, but I never thought I should ask you. One time when I was drunk I slept with another woman. I am sorry. I was so drunk and it only happened one time. Can you forgive me for this?”
Stunned, Sue was speechless. Lord, what do I do now? How do I handle this? “David, I don’t know what to say…. I need to be alone.” Tears streaming down her cheeks, she grabbed her Bible, hiked up the mountainside and sat on a secluded rock. “God, I feel so hurt and defiled. How could he do this to me? How many times do I have to forgive this man?” All alone, she cried out to God for hours.
Again she felt God tell her that she should forgive David just as Christ had forgiven her. Sue climbed down off that rock and went to find David in the cabin.
“David, I’m hurt beyond words. I didn’t think I could forgive you of this, but with God’s help I will try,” she said. The hurt took time to heal. Although Sue had said she forgave David the pain and emotions would crop up and threaten to discourage her. During these times she determined to not allow her mind to dwell on the pain. Whenever thoughts about David and his sin against her entered her mind she would imagine Jesus standing at a chalkboard with junk scribbled all over it. Then Jesus would take an eraser and erase all the junk, making the chalkboard completely clean. Sue focused on the clean slate and kept reminding herself that the eraser had done its work.
Gradually, her hurt feelings faded, and were replaced with feelings of love and commitment. Thirty years later, David still hasn’t tasted a drop of alcohol. Sue and David have a vibrant marriage. They work together in his dental practice and counsel married couples in their church. On a scale of 1 to 10, Sue says their marriage is a 15.
“If your spouse asks you for forgiveness, you need to give it like Christ forgave – absolutely. Your marriage will be better than you could ever imagine,” says Sue who knows from experience.
Is there anything you’ve done that you feel is unforgivable? Or is there someone you need to forgive? Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice for all our sins. The Bible says that Jesus died for our sins once and for all, He died for the righteous and the unrighteous, to bring us to God. If you ask Jesus to forgive your sins he promises he will. And he will help you forgive others who have hurt you. How would your life be different if you knew all your sins were forgiven forever?
You can receive Jesus right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desires of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus will come into your life, and forgive you of your sins forever, just as he promised.
If you have a question first, click here.
From Where Women Walked, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. Copyright © 2004, by Jean Blackmer and Laura Ross Greiner.
There is a Real Difference Between Hearing and Listening
Hearing takes place when something disturbs the atmosphere and that disturbance takes the form of pressure waves that strike our ear drums as sound.
It's the way we perceive sound.
Listening is different. It expands on hearing when we pay attention to the meaning of what we hear. For example, a truck just rolled by on the road in front of our house. I (Jim ) heard the noisy rumble, knew what it was, and after that paid no attention whatever.
We do that when we're merely hearing the words someone else is speaking. They're just vibrations in the atmosphere. We nod, smile, perhaps even respond, but are we listening? Hardly. Listening requires that we open to the meaning of the other person's words, that we -- in a very real way -- enter into the experience those words are meant to convey.
It's no longer just about sound but about the thoughts, feelings, point of view, expectations, memories, sensations, beliefs -- the whole of the other person -- or at least as much of the whole as is available in the moment.
Wanting to be understood
One simple way to understand listening is to ask yourself -- what do I want from the other person when I want to be understood? What we want most is to be appreciated. Not just heard, technically, but to feel like the other person gets us.
In his book "Stranger in a Strange Land", Robert Heinlein coined the word "grok." It's pronounced GRAHK, and it means to understand something so well that you fully absorb it into yourself. You know it through and through. You get it.
That's how we feel when we travel. We grok each other. Therefore there's no need for many words because we hear and listen -- body and being.
Listening is not automatic.
It takes practice.
It takes intention.
The most important quality of listening is that you allow yourself to step aside and be mindful of the other's experience. That doesn't mean you have to abandon your own point of view. You merely set it aside for the time you are listening so you can be available to what wants to be communicated.
When you listen, truly listen, the rewards are immediate. Because the better you listen the better you are appreciated. The better you appreciate the other. The better you are connected. The better your relationship.
Relinquish your defenses
One simple and effective way to practice listening is to relinquish your defenses. It goes like this:
When you feel like you need to protect yourself from something your partner is saying or something your partner wants from you that's the time to relax your point of view and listen. We know that sounds counter-intuitive. But it works.
We're not saying you have to abandon what you're feeling or thinking. Not at all. In fact you shouldn't, because that would mean an abdication of self which leads to resentment and usually blaming the other. What you do is relax and just listen to your partner's point of view.
What you will find is that he or she has some truth to what he or she is saying or wanting. Also, because you're feeling defensive, some part of your position is flawed. If it weren't, you wouldn't feel vulnerable and under threat and needing to defend yourself against you partner. After all, if you were in the right, there would be no need for concern.
But defensiveness is always an indication that something about your point of view is not quite on point.
When you open to your partner, you can discover what it is about your position that needs to change -- for your own empowered growth AND the betterment of your relationship. And that's the reward.
You haven't lost -- even if your partner gets what he or she wants -- because the change benefits you and it's for the betterment of your relationship. Listening is about dialogue. And dialogue is about connection. And connection fosters deeper intimacy and a closer bond. And it's ultimately very romantic.
Start practicing today and let us know what happens!
More on relationships:
Can he trust you?
Learning to forgive your spouse
~ Husband-and-wife psychology team Judith Sherven, PhD and James Sniechowski, PhD, are the bestselling authors of The Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams and three other relationship books.
Be sure to get their free teleseminar, "Keeping Romance Alive" just go to www.judithandjim.com
For a free excerpt from The Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams go to www.smartweddingcouples.com
21 Keys to a Happy Life
1. Compliment three people every day.
2. Watch a sunrise.
3. Be the first to say "Hello."
4. Live beneath your means.
5. Treat everyone as you want to be treated.
6. Never give up on anybody; miracles happen.
7. Forget the Jones'.
8. Remember someone's name.
9. Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage.
10. Be tough-minded, but tender hearted.
11. Be kinder than you have to be.
12. Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.
13. Keep your promises.
14. Show cheerfulness even when you don't feel it.
15. Remember that overnight success usually takes 15 years.
16. Leave everything better than you found it.
17. Remember that winners do what losers don't want to do.
18. When you arrive at your job in the morning, let the first thing you say brighten everyone's day.
19. Don't rain on other people's parades.
20. Don't waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
21. Keep some things to yourself and don't promote havoc by hurting people you love.
source unknown
We all laugh. We all hurt. We all make mistakes. We all dream. That's life. It's a journey. And God has a message for the journey–a message of His incredible love and His power to change our lives. Please click here to let God make the journey of your life a JOURNEY OF JOY!
2. Watch a sunrise.
3. Be the first to say "Hello."
4. Live beneath your means.
5. Treat everyone as you want to be treated.
6. Never give up on anybody; miracles happen.
7. Forget the Jones'.
8. Remember someone's name.
9. Pray not for things, but for wisdom and courage.
10. Be tough-minded, but tender hearted.
11. Be kinder than you have to be.
12. Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.
13. Keep your promises.
14. Show cheerfulness even when you don't feel it.
15. Remember that overnight success usually takes 15 years.
16. Leave everything better than you found it.
17. Remember that winners do what losers don't want to do.
18. When you arrive at your job in the morning, let the first thing you say brighten everyone's day.
19. Don't rain on other people's parades.
20. Don't waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
21. Keep some things to yourself and don't promote havoc by hurting people you love.
source unknown
We all laugh. We all hurt. We all make mistakes. We all dream. That's life. It's a journey. And God has a message for the journey–a message of His incredible love and His power to change our lives. Please click here to let God make the journey of your life a JOURNEY OF JOY!
Follow the Golden Rules
At a recent wedding reception we met a delightful couple who had just celebrated their 54th wedding anniversary. They were in their eighties, but you could have fooled us! Articulate. Charming. And the way they smiled at each other was more like the bridal pair than an older married couple.
They had just finished reading our book, THE SECOND HALF OF MARRIAGE. We were really impressed -- especially when they said they were still learning about each other and how to please one another! We looked at each other and without saying a word realized we had discovered new marriage mentors.
Actually, for years we have been influenced by the writings and friendship of Drs. David and Vera Mace. The Maces initiated the marriage enrichment movement in Protestant churches, along with Father Calvo, who started Marriage Encounter. From their experience as behavioural scientists, marriage counsellors, and educators, the Maces realized that by the time those with troubled marriages seek help, it is often too late. So on their fortieth wedding anniversary, they started the Association of Couples in Marriage Enrichment, an international organization for the advancement of marriage enrichment.
We'll never forget the first time we met the Maces. We were participating in a training conference in Black Mountain, North Carolina. The first evening we ate dinner with David and Vera. We immediately observed a twinkle in their eyes as they looked at each other. The spark in their relationship was contagious and before the conference was over we both agreed that we had found a living model of what we wanted for our marriage.
Do you know such a couple? If not, our best advice is, look around for one! If you want to have a long, happy marriage look around for other couples who have gone before you and built a successful, long-term relationship. And when a couple who has been married happily for fifty-plus years talks, listen!
Dear Abby helps us do that with a list of Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage from a couple who reached their 50th anniversary and successfully made their marriage a promise for life. See how many of these are rules you live by:
1. Never both be angry at the same time.
2. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.
3. If one of you has to win an argument, let it be your mate.
4. If you must criticize, do it lovingly.
5. Never bring up mistakes of the past.
6. Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
7. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.
8. At least once every day say a kind or complimentary work to your life partner.
9. When you have done something wrong, admit it and ask for forgiveness.
10. Remember it takes two to make a quarrel.
Someone else said the difference between a successful marriage and an unsuccessful one is leaving just a few things unsaid each day. So we close this Marriage Builder with the sage advice from Odgen Nash:
"To keep love brimming in the loving cup, When you're wrong admit it and when you're right shut up!"
~ David and Claudia Arp are the founders and directors of Marriage Alive International http://www.marriagealive.com They conduct seminars across the United States and Europe and have written over 15 books dealing with marriage and family enrichment. They have three married adult sons, five grandchildren, and live in Knoxville, Tenn.
-reprinted with permission from the ZONDERVAN PUBLISHING HOUSE E-MAIL ALERT SERVICE newsletter
They had just finished reading our book, THE SECOND HALF OF MARRIAGE. We were really impressed -- especially when they said they were still learning about each other and how to please one another! We looked at each other and without saying a word realized we had discovered new marriage mentors.
Actually, for years we have been influenced by the writings and friendship of Drs. David and Vera Mace. The Maces initiated the marriage enrichment movement in Protestant churches, along with Father Calvo, who started Marriage Encounter. From their experience as behavioural scientists, marriage counsellors, and educators, the Maces realized that by the time those with troubled marriages seek help, it is often too late. So on their fortieth wedding anniversary, they started the Association of Couples in Marriage Enrichment, an international organization for the advancement of marriage enrichment.
We'll never forget the first time we met the Maces. We were participating in a training conference in Black Mountain, North Carolina. The first evening we ate dinner with David and Vera. We immediately observed a twinkle in their eyes as they looked at each other. The spark in their relationship was contagious and before the conference was over we both agreed that we had found a living model of what we wanted for our marriage.
Do you know such a couple? If not, our best advice is, look around for one! If you want to have a long, happy marriage look around for other couples who have gone before you and built a successful, long-term relationship. And when a couple who has been married happily for fifty-plus years talks, listen!
Dear Abby helps us do that with a list of Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage from a couple who reached their 50th anniversary and successfully made their marriage a promise for life. See how many of these are rules you live by:
1. Never both be angry at the same time.
2. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.
3. If one of you has to win an argument, let it be your mate.
4. If you must criticize, do it lovingly.
5. Never bring up mistakes of the past.
6. Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
7. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.
8. At least once every day say a kind or complimentary work to your life partner.
9. When you have done something wrong, admit it and ask for forgiveness.
10. Remember it takes two to make a quarrel.
Someone else said the difference between a successful marriage and an unsuccessful one is leaving just a few things unsaid each day. So we close this Marriage Builder with the sage advice from Odgen Nash:
"To keep love brimming in the loving cup, When you're wrong admit it and when you're right shut up!"
~ David and Claudia Arp are the founders and directors of Marriage Alive International http://www.marriagealive.com They conduct seminars across the United States and Europe and have written over 15 books dealing with marriage and family enrichment. They have three married adult sons, five grandchildren, and live in Knoxville, Tenn.
-reprinted with permission from the ZONDERVAN PUBLISHING HOUSE E-MAIL ALERT SERVICE newsletter
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