4 Principles Guaranteed to Mess up Any Good Relationship

From over a quarter century of working with couples, four principles have repeatedly surfaced as part of those marriages that fell apart. While you might not like what you hear, especially as it hits close to home, these lines of thought have contributed to countless broken families. Be warned.
1. Indulge your selfishness -There are few guarantees in life. But if you're looking for a guaranteed way to wreck your marriage, never forget the cardinal rule: Marriage is all about your own personal happiness!

We teach our kids that it's better to give than to receive. But if you're paying attention to the messages coming from our society today, you could be excused for thinking that actually it's better to receive…and then receive again! We're supposed to look out for Number One, aren't we? Sometimes, getting our own way means stepping on a few people along the way…even if it's our spouse.

Of course, the other side of selfishness is selflessness. The selfless person says, "Whatever I can do for you is all that matters." But it seems that if you want to guarantee your own happiness, you need to operate on the "me" principle. It's about having life's table sloping towards me; the ebbs and flows of life must favour me. It's about getting my needs met and my desires gratified. It's about getting everything needed to please me.

If marital breakdown is what you want, never let go of your need to be satisfied first. Don't worry about what your spouse needs; they're on their own there. Live by this creed and you will be free from your spouse's expectations and demands. It's so natural to put yourself first. It's what we all do. It's often too big an effort to think about others first, so we don't.
2. Justify unfaithfulness - The next big step towards marital disaster can be summed up in the phrase, "What they don't know won't hurt them."

The thing to remember about unfaithfulness is that it's so easy to slip into. You may hear "unfaithfulness" and automatically jump to "affairs". Now, an affair is a great way to shipwreck a marriage, no doubt about it. But unfaithfulness comes in many more subtle forms. It doesn't start at the bedroom door, but in the windows of your mind. A look here, some lust there, maybe throw in a bit of pornography and a dose of flirtation with others, and you're well on your way before you even leave your spouse.

We live in a world where words like "faithfulness" and "commitment" are no longer in vogue. The idea of tying myself exclusively to another person for the rest of my life is viewed as archaic. Where's the freedom in that? Our sophisticated society regularly reminds us that if a relationship fails to bring me happiness (see point #1), the prudent thing to do is to discard it, or at least work around it. If my spouse isn't meeting my needs, simply find someone who will.

"For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, till death do us part…" Those words used to mean something. But in a culture that is quick to break its vows, perhaps a more honest pledge would be, "Till something better comes along, for as long as I feel like it, as long as we both shall love" - sad, and with tragic consequences.
3. Expect it to be easy -You don't have to go looking for storms in your marriage; they will come to you. There are forces intent on destroying your relationship; so if you want it to go down in flames, you just need to stay out of their way and let them do their work. Allow yourself to be blindsided by life's difficulties.

The trials are inevitable. For some, it will come in the form of financial hardship. Others will face health struggles, meddlesome in-laws, wayward kids, communication problems, sexual problems or just a lack of connection. Troubles like these wreak the most havoc when they take us by surprise and we are completely unprepared for them. Remember: when you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Just assume your married life will uncomplicated and problem-free; then when the crisis hits it will absolutely knock the wind out of your relationship.

Couples intent on surviving the storms of life prepare for them. They expect them to strike in one form or another, and when they do they are ready. Sometimes they even find that the trials draw them closer together! The ordeal becomes glue that binds them, rather than a wedge that drives them apart.

So if you're looking for a sure-fire way to mess up your relationship, assume that your marriage shouldn't have issues and adjustments. This denial will kill any hope of something solid ever developing.
4. Pursue the quick fix -Building a good marriage takes time and effort. But for some reason, many people think they shouldn't have to work on their relationship; it should just come easy.

Wouldn't it be great if life was like a sitcom? No matter what problem the character is facing, it's all wrapped up neat-and-tidy after 22 minutes. Adopt that mentality, and your marriage is doomed for sure. Demand instant change in everyone but yourself, and your marriage will buckle under the strain. If your marriage has a deep wound, don't attempt to heal it - just slap a Band-Aid on it and continue on your merry way. If you ignore the issue, it'll take care of itself. Sorry…wrong.

You see, becoming a good husband or wife requires change. It requires adjustment. Any change, especially and character change, takes time. A lot of time. For those who don't want a good marriage, the answer is simple: don't take the time, don't make the effort, don't make changes, and yet expect things to improve. It's like a flame: deny it oxygen, and it goes out. Think of time and effort as the oxygen in your relationship. Cut off the supply and watch the marriage shrivel.

Summary: We've approached this from the viewpoint of crisis, failure and breakdown. These principles work. They consistently mess up many marriages. If you see yourself in any of these four principles, take it as a warning and get the help you need. You will never regret making the effort to make your marriage work.

~ Dr. Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford , BC , and are regular speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage Uncensored, a television program airing on CH Victoria, NOW TV (BC) and CH Hamilton ( Ontario ).



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Commitment and Faithfulness: How to act on your intentions to be true to your spouse

Commuting with four carpool buddies offers ample opportunity to chew the fat, so one day I posed the question: What’s the difference between commitment and faithfulness? After a few rounds of debate the jury was in: Commitment is our intent to stay in relationship with our wives; faithfulness is the practice of doing so.

That said, let’s admit that a committed spouse is not necessarily a faithful spouse. Men in particular succumb to the idea that they can have their Kate and Edith too. Kate is the stable spouse with whom they raise kids, attend church, and gray with time. Edith represents the workplace “friendship” or sexual fling. In their mind they are committed to both, but in practice faithful to neither.

So what of commitment? If it is not a guarantee for faithfulness, what’s it worth? Commitment has much worth. Commitment is like training for a race. Training doesn’t guarantee winning, but it brings a host of benefits.

Research tells us that the more deeply people are committed to their spouse and marriage, the more likely they are to:

* sacrifice for the sake of their marriage
* report that they are satisfied with their relationship
* feel less trapped in their marriage
* enjoy longer-lasting marriages

They also tend not to scan the horizon for alternative partners.

Commitment transforms our talk

Commitment also translates powerfully into our marriages through our talk. Dave and Michelle live on the west coast where Dave serves as discipleship coordinator at a Christian college and Michelle recently left a pastor role to take care of Jonas, their first-born. How did they show their commitment to each other today? Dave waxed practical.

“I woke up at 5 a.m. and spent time with Jonas who was crying so Michelle could get an hour of peaceful sleep. I gave her a call from the office half way through the day. She e-mailed me and told me she appreciated my help around the house.”

Dave and Michelle’s manner reflects a tall stack of married couple research. Committed couples tend be more emotionally supportive than uncommitted ones. They know when their spouse is hurt, or crabby, or elated, and they validate those feelings as genuine and legitimate. Unsupportive spouses challenge their mate’s feelings with statements such as “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “Quit feeling sorry for yourself.”

People who are committed also share their thoughts deeply. They go beyond the weather and sports, to describe what we’re thinking, feeling, dreaming, and scheming. Couples who believe that their spouses should be able to mind read (i.e., know what they are thinking without having to tell them) struggle relationally.

Committed couples enjoy “expressive interaction.” Their behavior shows affection, empathy, and the kind of warmth toward each other that translates into feelings of companionship, sexual responsiveness, and support. In other words, committed partners engage. They put down the paper, turn off the TV, offer “two-eye attention” and connect with their spouse.


Committed spouses also pay more attention to “little things” to show their love and concern. Michelle and Dave agreed that that simply saying “I love you” or phoning during the day, or going on dates affirmed their commitment. They also write notes, rub each other’s feet, pray together, and try to listen well. Conveying commitment isn’t showy, but subtle and common. But we still have to do it.

Showing commitment through faithfulness

The evidence above is encouraging. Committed couples interact with each other in distinctly positive ways. But how do we communicate faithfulness? Perhaps we should start with asking what is faithfulness?

For many the answer is “sexual fidelity” -- we are faithful if we have not touched, kissed, or made love with someone who isn’t our spouse. However, before physical infidelity becomes an issue there are two precursors: mental and emotional unfaithfulness. In all three cases, infidelity violates a trust and breaks a bond.

Mental infidelity is the practice of fantasizing about other partners. Whenever men think “I wonder what life would be like with her,” we’ve crossed the line. Whenever women think “I love the way he listens to me,” they invest their thoughts untruly. Anytime our thoughts or beliefs begin to entertain ideas of relating to, spending time with, enjoying sex with, or daydreaming about someone else besides our mate, we’ve committed mental infidelity.

If we think a little fantasizing is harmless, recall that Jesus said doing so is adulterous.

Emotional infidelity takes things up a notch. Emotional infidelity is the habit of investing emotional and relational energy into someone besides our spouse in order to meet our personal needs. Well-known infidelity researcher Shirley Glass says emotional infidelity is sharing of the inner self with another person that should be reserved for our spouse.

Emotional infidelity often begins in the workplace where we meet interesting people with similar values and interests. People who are emotionally unfaithful hide their indiscretions with vague references such as “I had a little lunch with John today,” or “Meg and I have been working hard on the Thompson project.” Curiously missing are the details from those encounters.

When relational infidelity goes unchecked, sexual infidelity may follow. Sexual infidelity registers as soon as there’s physical touch accompanied by sexual chemistry -- even if you don’t admit there are sparks. Casual brushes (politely pardoned) can lead to full embraces and eventual intercourse unless someone chooses to stop.

While studies vary, experts estimate that between 44% of husbands and 25% of wives have had extramarital intercourse -- and this in a culture where 80% of Americans disapprove of having an affair. Sadly, the four main reasons people cite to justify affairs include:

1. new-found sexual excitement
2. new-found love or romance
3. emotional intimacy from companionship and understanding
4. reasons such as career advancement or revenge.

Men tend to justify infidelity for reason #1 new sex, and women tend to justify it for reason #2 new love.

Ironically, these findings parallel the long list of benefits which committed couples enjoy, such as sexual responsiveness, emotional sharing, and companionship. Somewhere our commitment has to convert into will power if we want to be faithful. How do we exercise faithfulness? Here are some tips.

Mental purity: My thoughts are with you always

Since men tend to be visually stimulated much more than women, we need to guard our eyes. Today’s media elite do not make it easy for us. They know sex sells, so they try to hook us with sex at every turn.

Are you surfing websites you know are off limits? Are you watching late-night TV or renting movies you would not watch with your son? If you answer “yes” you’ve got some tough choices.

When you walk down a sidewalk, where do your eyes go? When you walk with your wife in the mall, what grabs your attention? If we commit our gaze to God and our wife, we may fall prey less to other women’s hair, legs, and cleavage. Can we say to our wife, I only have eyes for you?

Women tend to be relationally charged, and unlike men, need to guard how they think about other relationships. While good men may be hard to find, a really great guy can get you thinking unfaithfully.

What thoughts cross your mind when your male doctor listens empathetically to your woes? What fantasies do you indulge regarding that guy at work? Do you engage in dreamy relationships with your favorite soap star or cinema lead?

When we begin to entertain unfaithful thoughts or beliefs, it’s good to do a check and say aloud to ourselves, “I’m in control of my thoughts,” or “How might I make [spouse’s name] better today?” Focusing afresh on our spouse redeems our thinking.

Relational guards: Sorry, but this person is taken

Neal and Yolanda live in Vancouver where Neal teaches high school and Yolanda volunteers at their kids’ schools. Both are energetic, engaging middle-aged people who appear attractive to others.

When asked how they show emotional faithfulness, their collective wisdom was “show dibs.” Yolanda serves on school committees with male administrators, and early in the year lets them know she’s taken. “At a school event I make sure to introduce Neal so they all know I have a husband. We just keep this all above board.” Similarly, Neal said he invites Yolanda to staff parties so everyone can see he’s committed to her. In fact, Neal chooses not to attend staff parties unless Yolanda can go too.

Neal and Yolanda also share openly with each other about potential “threats.” “Openness with Yolanda keeps me accountable to her. One of my teaching partners, ‘Jennie’ is a beautiful mid-thirties woman. I will tell Yolanda when I’m having a meeting with Jennie after school. I don’t want hidden agendas with my wife.”

Neal also practices wise environmental ethics. When he meets with female co-workers, he pays attention to the details. “I do little things like making sure the meeting is not in an enclosed room. Stuff like that keeps me above reproach, keeps me accountable.”

Setting relational safeguards work like waist-high fences. Both draw a line to show what, and who, belongs where, yet neither are cool or distant. We tap these fences into place every time we make little choices in word and deed that help us avoid compromising relationships, or even the optics of one.

Sexual de-tempting: That would be inappropriate

In the old days men worked outside the home and took sexual infidelity as a privilege of position and power with out-of-town strangers. Today men and women work as equals and the new morality allows for sex among consenting adults. But even non-religious people still value old-school fidelity, and think that once you have committed to a spouse, you should be true to him or her sexually. This double standard of romping promiscuously in one’s single years but hoping for loyalty in married life creates a tension in the workplace. It’s the tension between appropriate workplace interaction and relational come-on.

Many people think its okay for a married person to receive emotional support from an opposite-sex work colleague over lunch. But doing so blurs the lines of appropriateness. Sharing our marriage struggles with an empathetic colleague seems innocent enough, but is exactly the kind of emotional infidelity that leads to more complex involvement. While we may think everything’s above board, emotional and sexual attraction can spark quickly, igniting more than collegiality.

So, what to do? Given the gray line between emotional and sexual attraction, it’s wise to be on guard at your workplace. Are you in appropriate professional relationship with your colleagues? Are you fooling yourself that you are “just friends”? Similarly, guard your broader social network. Old flames and your spouses’ friends often become potential threats to fidelity. Can you stake a fence? Finally, guard your personal computer. Some people think making a friend on the internet is an innocent activity, but long-term relating -- even through email and the occasional photo -- can misdirect your allegiances.

Yolanda put it well when she said, “Faithfulness isn’t all sexual. It’s multi-layered. I believe our emotions and mind can engage unfaithfully without a person actually being physically unfaithful, and that creates a wedge.”

More on marriage:
Stuggling? Find the strength in your differences
Video: Affair-proof your marriage
Finding each other again: Renewed lives

Commitment and Faithfulness: How to act on your intentions to be true to your spouse

Commuting with four carpool buddies offers ample opportunity to chew the fat, so one day I posed the question: What’s the difference between commitment and faithfulness? After a few rounds of debate the jury was in: Commitment is our intent to stay in relationship with our wives; faithfulness is the practice of doing so.

That said, let’s admit that a committed spouse is not necessarily a faithful spouse. Men in particular succumb to the idea that they can have their Kate and Edith too. Kate is the stable spouse with whom they raise kids, attend church, and gray with time. Edith represents the workplace “friendship” or sexual fling. In their mind they are committed to both, but in practice faithful to neither.

So what of commitment? If it is not a guarantee for faithfulness, what’s it worth? Commitment has much worth. Commitment is like training for a race. Training doesn’t guarantee winning, but it brings a host of benefits.

Research tells us that the more deeply people are committed to their spouse and marriage, the more likely they are to:

* sacrifice for the sake of their marriage
* report that they are satisfied with their relationship
* feel less trapped in their marriage
* enjoy longer-lasting marriages

They also tend not to scan the horizon for alternative partners.

Commitment transforms our talk

Commitment also translates powerfully into our marriages through our talk. Dave and Michelle live on the west coast where Dave serves as discipleship coordinator at a Christian college and Michelle recently left a pastor role to take care of Jonas, their first-born. How did they show their commitment to each other today? Dave waxed practical.

“I woke up at 5 a.m. and spent time with Jonas who was crying so Michelle could get an hour of peaceful sleep. I gave her a call from the office half way through the day. She e-mailed me and told me she appreciated my help around the house.”

Dave and Michelle’s manner reflects a tall stack of married couple research. Committed couples tend be more emotionally supportive than uncommitted ones. They know when their spouse is hurt, or crabby, or elated, and they validate those feelings as genuine and legitimate. Unsupportive spouses challenge their mate’s feelings with statements such as “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “Quit feeling sorry for yourself.”

People who are committed also share their thoughts deeply. They go beyond the weather and sports, to describe what we’re thinking, feeling, dreaming, and scheming. Couples who believe that their spouses should be able to mind read (i.e., know what they are thinking without having to tell them) struggle relationally.

Committed couples enjoy “expressive interaction.” Their behavior shows affection, empathy, and the kind of warmth toward each other that translates into feelings of companionship, sexual responsiveness, and support. In other words, committed partners engage. They put down the paper, turn off the TV, offer “two-eye attention” and connect with their spouse.


Committed spouses also pay more attention to “little things” to show their love and concern. Michelle and Dave agreed that that simply saying “I love you” or phoning during the day, or going on dates affirmed their commitment. They also write notes, rub each other’s feet, pray together, and try to listen well. Conveying commitment isn’t showy, but subtle and common. But we still have to do it.

Showing commitment through faithfulness

The evidence above is encouraging. Committed couples interact with each other in distinctly positive ways. But how do we communicate faithfulness? Perhaps we should start with asking what is faithfulness?

For many the answer is “sexual fidelity” -- we are faithful if we have not touched, kissed, or made love with someone who isn’t our spouse. However, before physical infidelity becomes an issue there are two precursors: mental and emotional unfaithfulness. In all three cases, infidelity violates a trust and breaks a bond.

Mental infidelity is the practice of fantasizing about other partners. Whenever men think “I wonder what life would be like with her,” we’ve crossed the line. Whenever women think “I love the way he listens to me,” they invest their thoughts untruly. Anytime our thoughts or beliefs begin to entertain ideas of relating to, spending time with, enjoying sex with, or daydreaming about someone else besides our mate, we’ve committed mental infidelity.

If we think a little fantasizing is harmless, recall that Jesus said doing so is adulterous.

Emotional infidelity takes things up a notch. Emotional infidelity is the habit of investing emotional and relational energy into someone besides our spouse in order to meet our personal needs. Well-known infidelity researcher Shirley Glass says emotional infidelity is sharing of the inner self with another person that should be reserved for our spouse.

Emotional infidelity often begins in the workplace where we meet interesting people with similar values and interests. People who are emotionally unfaithful hide their indiscretions with vague references such as “I had a little lunch with John today,” or “Meg and I have been working hard on the Thompson project.” Curiously missing are the details from those encounters.

When relational infidelity goes unchecked, sexual infidelity may follow. Sexual infidelity registers as soon as there’s physical touch accompanied by sexual chemistry -- even if you don’t admit there are sparks. Casual brushes (politely pardoned) can lead to full embraces and eventual intercourse unless someone chooses to stop.

While studies vary, experts estimate that between 44% of husbands and 25% of wives have had extramarital intercourse -- and this in a culture where 80% of Americans disapprove of having an affair. Sadly, the four main reasons people cite to justify affairs include:

1. new-found sexual excitement
2. new-found love or romance
3. emotional intimacy from companionship and understanding
4. reasons such as career advancement or revenge.

Men tend to justify infidelity for reason #1 new sex, and women tend to justify it for reason #2 new love.

Ironically, these findings parallel the long list of benefits which committed couples enjoy, such as sexual responsiveness, emotional sharing, and companionship. Somewhere our commitment has to convert into will power if we want to be faithful. How do we exercise faithfulness? Here are some tips.

Mental purity: My thoughts are with you always

Since men tend to be visually stimulated much more than women, we need to guard our eyes. Today’s media elite do not make it easy for us. They know sex sells, so they try to hook us with sex at every turn.

Are you surfing websites you know are off limits? Are you watching late-night TV or renting movies you would not watch with your son? If you answer “yes” you’ve got some tough choices.

When you walk down a sidewalk, where do your eyes go? When you walk with your wife in the mall, what grabs your attention? If we commit our gaze to God and our wife, we may fall prey less to other women’s hair, legs, and cleavage. Can we say to our wife, I only have eyes for you?

Women tend to be relationally charged, and unlike men, need to guard how they think about other relationships. While good men may be hard to find, a really great guy can get you thinking unfaithfully.

What thoughts cross your mind when your male doctor listens empathetically to your woes? What fantasies do you indulge regarding that guy at work? Do you engage in dreamy relationships with your favorite soap star or cinema lead?

When we begin to entertain unfaithful thoughts or beliefs, it’s good to do a check and say aloud to ourselves, “I’m in control of my thoughts,” or “How might I make [spouse’s name] better today?” Focusing afresh on our spouse redeems our thinking.

Relational guards: Sorry, but this person is taken

Neal and Yolanda live in Vancouver where Neal teaches high school and Yolanda volunteers at their kids’ schools. Both are energetic, engaging middle-aged people who appear attractive to others.

When asked how they show emotional faithfulness, their collective wisdom was “show dibs.” Yolanda serves on school committees with male administrators, and early in the year lets them know she’s taken. “At a school event I make sure to introduce Neal so they all know I have a husband. We just keep this all above board.” Similarly, Neal said he invites Yolanda to staff parties so everyone can see he’s committed to her. In fact, Neal chooses not to attend staff parties unless Yolanda can go too.

Neal and Yolanda also share openly with each other about potential “threats.” “Openness with Yolanda keeps me accountable to her. One of my teaching partners, ‘Jennie’ is a beautiful mid-thirties woman. I will tell Yolanda when I’m having a meeting with Jennie after school. I don’t want hidden agendas with my wife.”

Neal also practices wise environmental ethics. When he meets with female co-workers, he pays attention to the details. “I do little things like making sure the meeting is not in an enclosed room. Stuff like that keeps me above reproach, keeps me accountable.”

Setting relational safeguards work like waist-high fences. Both draw a line to show what, and who, belongs where, yet neither are cool or distant. We tap these fences into place every time we make little choices in word and deed that help us avoid compromising relationships, or even the optics of one.

Sexual de-tempting: That would be inappropriate

In the old days men worked outside the home and took sexual infidelity as a privilege of position and power with out-of-town strangers. Today men and women work as equals and the new morality allows for sex among consenting adults. But even non-religious people still value old-school fidelity, and think that once you have committed to a spouse, you should be true to him or her sexually. This double standard of romping promiscuously in one’s single years but hoping for loyalty in married life creates a tension in the workplace. It’s the tension between appropriate workplace interaction and relational come-on.

Many people think its okay for a married person to receive emotional support from an opposite-sex work colleague over lunch. But doing so blurs the lines of appropriateness. Sharing our marriage struggles with an empathetic colleague seems innocent enough, but is exactly the kind of emotional infidelity that leads to more complex involvement. While we may think everything’s above board, emotional and sexual attraction can spark quickly, igniting more than collegiality.

So, what to do? Given the gray line between emotional and sexual attraction, it’s wise to be on guard at your workplace. Are you in appropriate professional relationship with your colleagues? Are you fooling yourself that you are “just friends”? Similarly, guard your broader social network. Old flames and your spouses’ friends often become potential threats to fidelity. Can you stake a fence? Finally, guard your personal computer. Some people think making a friend on the internet is an innocent activity, but long-term relating -- even through email and the occasional photo -- can misdirect your allegiances.

Yolanda put it well when she said, “Faithfulness isn’t all sexual. It’s multi-layered. I believe our emotions and mind can engage unfaithfully without a person actually being physically unfaithful, and that creates a wedge.”

More on marriage:
Stuggling? Find the strength in your differences
Video: Affair-proof your marriage
Finding each other again: Renewed lives